GNOMIES 2012

Belatedly, but without further ado, my brother's Gnomies for 2012:

Since I’ve been doing this we’ve endured sh*tful seasons. Just let me know when you’ve had enough of it. However this season really does take the cake.

The Sir Robert Flower Best & Fairest Award – Nathan Jones. Will win by the length of the tattoos on his arm. Superb season. Pace and precise disposal is not something we were discussing about him during the Bailey era. Well done Nathan. Although awarding the Bluey Truscott to a particular player of late has been likened to having a wolf bite you during the next pre-season and cursing you into the Demons Bermuda Triangle dustbin. Davey, Green, Moloney all dreadful post BT. Before them Travis, Junior, Bruce didn’t last long in the colours either. As Will said – “maybe we should only award it every 3rd year” in order to factor in a bit of breathing space for the expected performance letdown.

The Allen Jakovich Best First Year Player Award – James Magner. Aligning Magner to A Jakovich is laughable to say the least but head scratching or not, his was a good story to eke out 17 games with limited abilities. Only him, Couch and Tynan debuted this year. Still to view Cook, Taggert and Davis from our senior list. Sheahan from the rookie list looks a prospect.

The Guy Rigoni Biggest Surprise Packet Award – Tom McDonald. Took on some really tough opponents (notably N Riewoldt), performing creditably and has nailed down a key position post in the backline. Deceptively quick but needs to work on his disposal. A beacon amongst a lot of rocks.

The Andrew Leoncelli Most Improved Award – Sam Blease. We were certainly expecting him to improve and he really needs to up his work rate, 8 possessions a game is Bennellesque, but it was refreshing to see a Demons player take opponents on or break a line. If he can build a decent engine then it will be great seeing him speeding down the open MCG wings ala Steven Stretch.

The Brent Grgic Most Disappointing Award – Ricky Petterd. Watching him after his brilliant start to 2010 before injury intervened, I thought this guy was going into Demon stratosphere. The new GC team was chasing him hard and I remember our relief when he re-signed, with a picture of him down by the Yarra, with an also re-signed Col Garland, proudly tugging at his jumper. The New Demons Generation Are Committed And Comin’ At Ya!! Balls. The guy can’t kick, mark, handball or tackle anymore. While Col (our supposed next Matthew Scarlett) now looks like, as Sitchy says, a “shell shocked” Gallipoli fighter who’s best mate was blown up next to him, with the mate’s severed head landing right in his lap. In fact they should set up a Demons wing in that community service place Pete used to go to. Seddon-Morton, Possessions-Bennell and a few other shell shocked Demons victims can regularly check themselves in for treatment.

The Paul Hopgood Effort Award – Jack Grimes. Tough initiation to captaincy by any measure but he didn’t shirk an issue, got battered a few times but kept getting up. Improved as the season went on and we have a real good one here in Captain Jack.

The Stephen Tingay Young Player Potential Award – Jeremy Howe. Only 22 years old but seems so much more mature than half the startled rabbits around him. Has real potential because he can run and carry as well as being a prime time marking target.  

The Glenn Lovett Established Player But Could Be A Superstar Award – Mitch Clark. He established himself elsewhere but has made an immediate impact in the Red and Navy Blue. How many times during the first half of the season did we say - “imagine what we’d be like if we hadn’t picked up Mitch Clark?!” (We also said it in the 2^nd half too, even though he was moonbooted). If he can build on 2012 form, he’s in with the AA crowd. Amazing how you view a player at another club (eg. tatts, big head, overrated) but as soon as he puts on the great colours he takes on a far different aura. He was on that Eddie McGuire show last week and exuded Demon class, emotional when talking about Stynes and generally seeming to love wearing the jumper and absorbing the Demon ethos.

The Jeff Farmer Demons Goal Of The Year Award -  Sam Blease. Kicked a couple of really good ones. The left footer from the boundary from just inside 50 against the Tiges sticks in the memory (because it was our first of the game after about 7 Tigers ones), as does one at the Had right in front of us against Freo.

The Shaun Smith Demons Mark Of The Year Award – James Magner? It felt like the Demon midfield were anticipating a high mark from him every game. No, it had to be only one man - J Howe. SCG. Pity it was over the other side of the ground, I was getting a beer, not watching the game anyway and we were already 12 goals down in the 3^rd Qtr. His Darwin mark was right up there too. Just one right in front of the MCG steps next thanks Jeremy.  

The Jeremy Nichols Blink And You’ll Miss Him Award – Michael Evans. Almost 40 possessions in his first game. Didn’t add to his 4 games this year. Still could find a spot but needs a bit of luck.

The Nick Smith X-Factor Award – Liam Jurrah. X-Factor like that X he carved across his cousin’s chest. A truly Demonesque story. At least he quit and we didn’t ditch him. Imagine the curse him and his brothers would have dreamt up, worse than The Last Wave. They probably still have....

The Anthony Ingerson Older Player But Keep On List Until He Claps Out Award – Jared Rivers. A really decent Demon soldier. Surprising move forward and even that wasn’t a red faced exercise. Surprising also he is yet to be re-signed.

The Darren Cuthbertson Frustration Award – Jordan Gysberts. Well I can’t keep giving it to Seddon-Morton or Possessions-Bennell. Frustrating more with injury than unrealised talent after bulk games (ie Morton) or lack of workrate (ie Bennell) but 1 game back this season and then immediately dropped for more Casey games, plus trade bait rumours doesn’t bode well. His first 2 games were magnificent. Typically. Tapscott, although you love his attack on the Sherrin, another who started his career brilliantly but has had a frustrating season. But then again who hasn’t...Trengrove had a poor season but still a major hope he is gold plated, Garland another typical Demons leadership group inductee then patented fall off, Moloney needs no comment apart from talking on his trade worth, ditto Davey.

The Darren Kowal Designated Kicker Out From Goal Award – James Frawley. From a point he has a wonderful knack of kicking the ball to himself and dashing off, sizing up the options down field, seeing nothing on offer, backtracks, looks for several handball options, backtracks again, then under pressure backtracks yet again and scrubs a kick or loose handball to a contest. We are categorically the worst team in the history of VFL/AFL at the refined art of kicking in. Even the expansion teams are already doing it better. There is sepia coloured footage of Danny Hughes kicking out in an MCG final, the ball lands near the centre, bounces once or twice, Viney jumps up in front of his opponent and taps it over his head to a fast running Stretch, who takes a bounce, runs to 50 and slots a goal. Auction that at Sotheby’s and you’d get a fortune.

 

What a season.

The most insipid first 8 rounds in any season. Possibly by any team. Top that with the death of a club legend at a ridiculous 45 years of age, a race row involving Davey who didn’t fired a shot after that and it wrongly implicated the coach, a sponsor who turned out to be a complete nutter, machete-attack-reprisal-indigineous-law-court-case-say-no-more, re-igniting the pointless tanking debate by ex axe to grind fvckwit players  and resulting in the fact that whenever it is raised it will forever be linked to the Demons. After the tragic Stynes passing, the most downcast part of the season is surely  the 4 wins in total, with 3 coming against the expansion, start up, easy beat clowns. If you’d have said 4 wins to me at the start of the season with Watts, Trengove, Morton, Gysberts, Tapscott, Jurrah, Petterd, Grimes all starting to really mature, plus recruiting big gun Mitch, I’d have said you were completely nuts. Tragi/comedy for certain.

Neeld? Well we can’t criticise him for making some hard calls. Unloaded on the team after Rd 1; dropped big names Davey, Green, Moloney; tapped Green on the shoulder re retirement; deferring contracts signs ups. Can he coach? No fvckin’ idea. The newer, tougher game plan he promised needs a Pacific Ocean sized more pre-season refinement if we’re to be competitive. 2013 will go a long way to testing his mettle. The honeymoon will be over.

He’s pointing in the right direction with the list. Major overhaul is required, no half measures from here. We’ll get more prime draft picks, but as Rick said – “giving the Demons good draft picks is like me giving Max (his 8 yr old son) money”. We seem to fritter them away on ice-cream, redskins and milkshakes. Viney seems the prototype we need and should be prepared for immediate action. A real bonus if we get him Rd 2 of the draft. Another big trade fish, like Mitch, would be primo but is always a risk. At least Cloke is not part of it.

I’m making absolutely no predictions anymore but my only wish for next season is just having a consistent blast of daylight, not simply poking it’s head out like a frightened turtle, to give us faithful idiots some hope that we are pointing in the right direction, because the expansion AFL endorsed and stamped teams are only going to getting slowly stronger and ladder table positions far more competitive. If it all goes pear shaped again our only solace being the annual pleasure in beating the Bombers again and denting their evilly ambitious plans. Son of friend – “Dad has always said we’d be really good in 2013.”

Comments

[Tony Tea]

Tren. Gove.

[Professor Rosseforp]

AFL is of zero interest to me, and league only marginally more.
But at the finals stages I noticed both leaguie and Afllie commentators were united on one thing: they all began to use the term "illumination finals", and various teams were illuminated in each game.

[Tony Tea]

Blimey! I'm stumped. Never heard of "illumination finals".

[Cameron]

Crap sport...dewd.

[Cameron]

What is it this week? Say yes to faggots day?

[Cameron]

Shit sport, glorified force 'em backs.

[Tony Tea]

League's okay. No one would notice if Rugby Union disappeared today.

[M. Patard]

Was that a normal sort of penalty count? 22 - 9 in the end.

Swans got flogged by the umps. They would have slaughtered the Hawks if the game was umped fairly. As Croc Ryan says "It's not so much the penalties against you, it's the one's you don't get that hurt."

[M. Patard]

Canterbury Eels get up tomorrow and it's a Sydney double. Doing the Harbour Bridge on the Vics is always enjoyable.

[Cameron]

Fuck off M. Patard, go the Storm.

[Cameron]

NRL FR post!

I demand it!

[Tony Tea]

National karma dictates that Storm win to keep the country on its axis.

[Cameron]

Can't wait for Mr. Patards anti-News Ltd reply.

[The Mongrel]

I don't impress very easily, but by gum that was a good GF today.

The Swans were 2 goals down late in the last quarter, with injuries and looking dead on their feet against the Hawks on the MCG (where the Swans never win).

What did they do? Why, kick the last 4 goals of the game of course.

My uncle even called me to say how impressed he was with the Swans, and that everyone at the Union Hotel in West Brunswick was going for them too! Verily, the world is off its axis today.

[M. Patard]

Funny how the ads say that Storm will be seeking "redemption". I seem to recall the Doggies did their own salary cap rort, or is that too long ago to remember? At least the Storm didn't also go on a rape and pillage campaign on the central coast.

Still, I'm looking forward to seeing Billy Dog-act Slater getting some knees to his heart and soul today, in retribution for his knees in the try scorers kidneys, throughout his not maligned enough career.

BulldogEels to win by a short forward pass from Keating to a rampaging Pritchard at least 2 metres offside, who passes the ball to a flying Inu shepherded, sorry, decoyed, by Kasiano who flattens CooperSmithCronk taking out the entire defensive wall, Inu then floats a Joe Montana 30 yard special downfield to Wright for a "touchdown!".

Video Ref says "Benefit of the doubt" and the Doggies fans start stabbing each other, as they win the GF.

Bellamy is sobbing, as Tod Lowrie declares it's time to go back to fairness and decency, and promptly departs back to the home of it all, the mighty Blue and Gold. Bryan Norrie goes back to the knackery.

Cameron sharts his News Ltd B tracksuit pants simultaneously projectile beer vomiting all over his parent's walls, floor, TV and his mum's new doilies.

Go the Canterbury Eeels!

[Professor Rosseforp]

"short forward pass from Keating to a rampaging Pritchard at least 2 metres offside, who passes the ball to a flying Inu shepherded, sorry, decoyed, by Kasiano who flattens CooperSmithCronk taking out the entire defensive wall" -- M. Patard has been reading the coach's notes again.
I'm sure the refs have been told, "don't slow up the game with rules. The last thing we want is a couple of tries denied just because the passes are a mile forward."

[M. Patard]

Just basking in the sun in the heart of Bankusstown, at the olds, after driving up Hijab Boulevarde.

It's wall to wall blue and white, tooting horns, rocket propelled grenade launchers being prepared for celebrations, as the "Doggies, Doggies, Doggies" call to prayer goes out.

Just thinking that if I really want to get a reaction I should mount a Storm flag, with Israel flag atop.

I wonder if Jews are Storm fans?

Would make for great fan reactions.

[M. Patard]

There's an ominous silence at half time. Burka Street is pensive.

Tony Archer's 3 penalties to one may result in a fatwa (deserved), and it's only Cameron Smith's off target radar keeping a resolute, though tiring Doggged Dog Defence in this one.

The First Law of NRL Thermodynamics states: for every lopsided penalty count, there must always be an even up.

Watch for the double up, and, depending on the result, there is the game.

[M. Patard]

In a malevolent pent up thunderbolt of acid air reminiscent of things better left unsaid, here, on the ground, we stare bereft of excitement but stunned, by an offside defence fest.

The 3-1 count by tony archer was never returned. For some reason, no one ever held down a play the ball again after his bell had told.

One of the most boring gfs ever played dwindeld to its sullen conclusion, as footy fans watched on, hoping somone would do something remotely resembling league.

In the end, MMA won the day, Tony Archer luminary, the streets where I sleep tonight saved from rocket attacks, tomorrow the low level violence returns.

[Tony Tea]

Petard, I'm sure you will agree that a Storm win is a win for Rugby League's true believers. Join me in raising our your hat to Melbourne, Rugby League's heartland.

[M. Patard]

Dear Sir Tony, as much as I feel sickened to ever have barracked for the blue and white shitbags, tonight I feel like a victim of Double Stockholm Syndrome.

To which offender do I face, and beg?

The emptyness I feel now shall only be recovered later tonight as I defend my Mitsubishu wagon from repeat attacks of disgruntled Doggies fans.

Allah Akbah as we have learned to say.

[M. Patard]

Dear Sir Tony,

We here on the outpost can only feel a double jolt of excitment, sadness, and loss.

The last, not part of the double jolt (obviously), is the only empty feeling we have as the long, slow heat of the remainedr of our nation swelters on.

To Tony Archer and his 3-1 penalty count.

To an offside defence.

To the most pathetic lack of analysis, let alone commentary team, which we are stranded with for another 5 years at least: League, I salute your marketing!

Tomorrow is a holiday, so, for tonight at least, we pretend to regard this game as something that means anything other than, may the best connected team win.

[Cameron]

'To an offside defence.'

You got out-coached plain and simple. The Raiders used the same 'up and in' defensive tactic to stomp the Dogs, you'd think St. Des would have come up with a plan b in the preceding month.

[M. Patard]

Camsa, I do believe, that your News Ltd B team would have to go down as "the failures of the decade" (tm).

Seven (7) SoO players yet they bowed out to a couple of Cowgirls.

Suck my hugely engorged cock ( 5 viagras swallowed).

[Cameron]

Least 'my A team' won.

Your B team got the spoon and your A team second last.

I do believe your season has to go down as the 'greatest disappointment since Stalingrad' (tm).

[M. Patard]

"Your", "my" you're stretching terms there.

Much like your ring as you spread it for Nacho Vidal and his invasion of all that is good right and news ltd.

Whatever floats your slander boat. Just settling back now to watch an old dvd, Triumph of the Will.

[Cameron]

Good for you Von Paulus, you might learn something.

[M. Patard]

Paulus was a better man than you'll ever be.

[Cameron]

A Prussian Field Marshall a better man than some blowhard blog commenter, ya think?

[Tony Tea]

James Graham must have been at Stalingrad, but I guess corn washed out of shit was not to his taste.

[M. Patard]

Your'e fucking kidding. You've deleted the blog, not but once again.

[M. Patard]

Graham knows a halal meal when he sees one.

[Tony Tea]

Who deleted what blog?

[M. Patard]

News Ltd B deleted the combined occupied forces.

For the umpteempth time.

Tis a sad day, several times foretold.

[Professor Rosseforp]

I thought it was just me, since the commentators kept telling us how fantastic the match was. I watched the RL final and found it tedious. I tipped Melbourne would win just before the kickoff, when the dressing rooms showed Melbourne guys trying to lift their opponents who were carrying portable mattresses. By contrast, the Bulldogs were gently flicking balls around.
A couple of good individual jumps and tackles, Ben Barba was put back in his box by Melbourne, questionable refereeing (no surprise) and a minor punchup. Not very interesting, and the Bulldogs had nothing to offer at any stage that hinted at a possible victory for them.