AGB Footy

SAUSAGE SIZZLER

Hot rumour, anyone?

A couple of weeks ago, after a few beers at a team barbecue, a player not unacquainted with trouble put the hard word on a teammate's partner. The skipper, possibly the most popular player in the league, then invited the Casanova out into the back yard for a good, old-fashioned spanking. Far from being a one-sided affair, apparently the two players stoushed long and hard.

The club in question will no doubt shrug off the fight as piss and bad manners, but with the Carey precedent you never know. And whether there is much to the rumour, or not, given the profile of the two players in question the media would love to unholster the whisk and beat up the rumpus into a massive scandal.

SAUSAGE FIZZLER

My skepticism was warranted, apparently:

No truth to rumours

CHASING down rumours about Brendan Fevola is just about a full-time job, but one sent the football world into overdrive yesterday afternoon.

A well-travelled email suggests that a rumble in the sub-tropics has taken place between Fev and his Brisbane Lions teammate Jonathan Brown.

Sporting Life can confirm that Brown did, indeed, host a barbecue for Fev for his 200th, but players in attendance are adamant the rest of the email is "complete crap".

Where there's smoke, there's ire. It is reasonable to assume there was no "toe-to-toe" punch-on; it is less reasonable to assume the story is "complete crap" and that there was no disagreement at all.

WORKING BLUE

My advice to former Blue, Glenn Manton, who was performing at a primary school, would have been to put the night in context by pointing out that "gymnasium" comes from the Greek for "naked".

Glenn Manton comedy show too Blue for children

A COMEDY performance by former Carlton premiership player Glenn Manton at the opening of a primary school gymnasium left audience members stunned by its adult content.

Dr [Lucy] Burns claims Manton at one stage shouted "I f------ hate kids" and asked a promising golfer in her late teens if she would be wearing lingerie while competing. And during a ballet performance Manton commented that a male dancer in his early teens had positioned himself perfectly by standing closely behind a female dancer.

SILLY IS AS STUPID SAYS

"In the words of Captain Mainwaring from Dad's Army: 'You silly boy'."

~~ Dermott Brereton, SEN, Crunch Time

WORKING BLACK

Dip shit:

Robert DiPierdomenico dropped as Auskick ambassador after racist gaffe

The AFL has confirmed Robert DiPierdomenico has been dropped as an Auskick ambassador after saying a fellow Brownlow medallist was "not too bad for an abo" at a footy function.

One offended witness claims to have approached DiPierdomenico after the speech only to be told: "You'll get over it."

I've been to quite a few sports functions over the years at which speakers have made off-colour remarks. But not for the best part of 20 years. I figured speakers at "sporties", as they are known, must have grown up. I figured wrong.

FOOT IN MOUTH

ZERO INTOLERANCE

"That is the $64 question."

~~ Frugal Leigh Matthews, 3AW, Melbourne v Collingwood

BLARE NECESSITIES

This post is not about the pros and cons of the draw - even though the draw is a perfectly satisfactory result and there's no need to change it; not even on a whim; not even because there is extra time in the Diamond Creek Under 11s or the NBA or because in the major league baseball "matches even go to 19 innings". No, this post is about what passes for music according to the MCG:

Melbourne-Collingwood draw a great advert for extra-time

WITH a draw rendering the theme songs obselete, the DJ at the MCG quickly swung to Plan B on the siren.

And clearly, the music man at the home of football has a sense of humour.

As the players of both teams trudged off the field feeling numb and confused, Jimmy Barnes' Ain't No Second Prize blared out of the speakers.

Funnily enough, there ain't no first prize either when the scores are level on the blower.

A minute or two after the players had vanished down the race, the DJ hit the button on Cher's If I Could Turn Back Time.

Not one person left at the ground wasn't humming along thinking the same thing.

This person was not humming along thinking the same thing, and I categorically resent the insulting generalisation. This person was talking to his mate Hugh and wondering out loud: "What's wrong with silence?" Why do the AFL, and sporting organisations in general, feel the need to ear bash us with crap pop tunes.

Once upon a time the only noise you heard was "Would Joe Bloggs please come to the ground manager's office in Bay 6." And it was better. Go back to it now and it would still be better.

Does the current public address assault add a scintilla of enjoyment to the day's proceedings. Was there one person at the ground who would have had a worse day had there not been a constant cacophonous accompaniment? So what if there were no team songs played because it was a draw. Why must they fill their - not my - dead air with rubbish songs and bogan anthems? Why have a voice-over just before the first bounce that pathetically, childishly, screams "Lets play some football!"? Why have one highlight on the big screen after each quarter accompanied by the same voice which announces in stilted fashion "And here is... Cale Morton... kicking a great goal"? Chances are at least a slim majority of spectators saw it when it happened. Why have a boring, uninformative interview at half time? Obviously, I know why the have the ads; doesn't mean I like them. Why the constant racket? I wonder if Slater & Gordon would consider taking on a case in which I, the plaintif, takes suit against them, the AFL to protect me from the noise pollution deleterious to my hearing.

THOSE WHO ARE ABOUT TO LAUGH SALUTE YOU

Kevin Sheedy is to be congratulated for his efforts to get Sydney on the GWS bandwagon, but surely there are less risible nicknames than the official options:

Fighting talk

From the ground up is how they’re building this club. The search for a name reaches into the community through a website poll. Tongue-in-cheek digs at the west threw up the Swannabees, the Commodores, the Bogans and the Mortgage Defaulters. Serious contenders tilt at regional patriotism: the Giants, the Pride, the Rangers, the Stallions. Sheedy prefers the Gladiators.

The Giants: too American. The Rangers: too American. The Pride: too gay. The Stallions: see The Pride. May as well call them The Tactix.

What is wrong with my selection?

And GWS is every bit as wanky as the dumb nicknames. "Team GWS" is even wankier. GWS and GC17 are confusingly similar, too. Hands up anyone who doesn't think "Now, which team is that?" whenever someone mentions either acronym.