AGB Footy

MOCKBUSTER

Virutally, a full house; actually, a stupid idea:

Fake fans in footy's deadest game

CHANNEL Nine has revealed a bold plan to repackage its Monday night programming with live AFL matches complete with virtual crowds.

Nine's executive director Jeff Browne said Monday night football was likely to underpin its push for a slice of the next AFL broadcast rights deal from 2012, but he regarded it as primarily a television game in which he would compensate for half-full stadiums with virtual crowds.

What's wrong with painting the seats like the Gabba, or giving free tickets to school kiddies like they used to do at the SCG?

Would they show it virutally live? Like they do now.

SUCK A MAN WHEN HE'S DOWN

Fair shake, Robbo, when you boot the dust you better hope no one puts the teeth in:

Stop the blame game

IT'S BEEN almost 12 months since Terry Wallace departed Richmond and bloodsuckers are still kicking him to death.

COMING OUT

FOR FUCHS' SAKE

Friday night, Melbourne v. Bulldogs, first quarter, Channel Seven:

Dennis Cometti: You gotta say, the umpires are dressed a little like Melbourne tonight. That is close to Melbourne, isn't it?

Leigh Matthews: It's the theme for the night, of course, the pink. But it is a similar pink and blue to Melbourne.

Bruce McAvaney: The Dees, of course, in their pink tonight, the Field of Women, the Breast Cancer Network.

Tom Harley: Getting back to their days, Bruce, of the 1920s when they used to be called the Fuchsias, I reckon, the Demons, back then.

Bruce: Chee, you are bringing your research.

Leigh: You have done your research.

Bruce: Tom!

Leigh: The Fuschias?!?

Bruce: Would have been interesting playing the Pussycats back then.

Tom: They were the Pivotonians back then.

Bruce: I tell you what! Tom's brought some stuff tonight, hasn't he?

Dennis: I knew he would.

Tom: Snuck in a little bit of research on the boundary.

Bruce: Doesn't waste a minute, does he?

Dennis: What is a Pivotonian?

Tom: Well, ahhh, it's halfway between Melbourne and Geelong, the Pivot.

Chee, it's a grim turn of events when a footy commentator who was once the captain of the second oldest footy team in the land and The Pivotonians, is congratulated for his sterling research when he reveals the common knowledge (to me) that the oldest footy team in the land was once called the Fuchsias and that the team he captained was called The Pivotonians. At least no one congratulated him for rolling out the old "Brad Green trialled with Manchester United." Pretty sure that even caused Dennis to stifle a snigger.

That was where the "stuff" he brought ended; well, the good "stuff", anyway. Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and put your foot in.

Geelong was not called The Pivot because of a pivot halfway between Geelong and Melbourne; that makes no sense at all. The City of Geelong was called the Pivot because it was "the pivot" around which Port Phillip Bay's rail and port commerce revolved.

Moving ever so smoothly from botany, history and geography we come to chromatics.

The pink and blue kit. Surely the umpires were wearing pink and black. Not that you can easily tell the difference between navy blue and black, which is, I suppose, the whole point of non-clash strips.

And linguistics.

Doubtless you've been keeping an ear out for taxsyn:

• "It's the theme for the night, of course, the pink."
• "It's halfway between Melbourne and Geelong, the Pivot."

Backward sentences, they both are. At the start was the object, at the end was the subject.

PS: Fuchsias are flowers, Leigh.

RED & BLOOPER

"It's going to be an ugly game, but we may as well fuckin' get it inside our forward fifty."

~~ Dean Bailey to Leigh Matthews, Channel Seven, half time, Dees v. Dogs

BREAD SHTICK

"Bone, someone needs to tap them on the head with a crusty."

~~ The Rowie & Bone Show, 5AA, Adelaide v. Richmond

ASHES TO SLASHES

"Freo are about to put a knife in the coffin."

~~ Matty Granland nails the hammer, SEN, Dockers v. Loins

PREMATURE EXASPERATION

Tipped St Kilda to beat Footscray, but at three quarter time last night I went to bed pissed off that although the Bulldogs had squandered numerous chances to ice the game, they still appeared to have the Saints, and my tip, covered. Fair to say I was pleasantly surprised to subsequently discover that the Saints had pinched the game with the last four goals, while the Dogs pulled off a textbook "didn't know how to win it" collapse.

Nor was I the only person to conclude the Dogs were home. A disgusted Charles Happell at Back Page Lead also gave up on the Saints, and the style of game, but went too hard, too early:

Deadline pressure cannot fool the ever-vigilant Google Reader.

Three hours between first and second edition says to me that Charles received a late night phone call which possibly contained a corrective "The Saints won, you knucklehead."