AGB Footy

GO DIRECTLY TO FRAIL

Will Dick Pratt do a Bondy? "I am sick, your Honour, and I don't remember doing what I did... not even once... back then... at the All Nations... on May 21, 2001."

Billionaire Dick Pratt faces jail

BILLIONAIRE Dick Pratt faces up to four years' jail after being charged yesterday with lying about his knowledge of a price-fixing scandal.

The laying of criminal charges could force Mr Pratt to step down as president of Carlton Football Club.

The Australian Competition and Consumer Commission alleges the chief of cardboard manufacturer Visy gave false and misleading evidence before a commission hearing in 2005.

The way I see it, Dick will plead guilty, get his charge reduced by 25%, and be free to president next weekend.

Unfortunately for Dick, Adam Goodes has the Get Out Of Jail Free card:

Carlton Monopoly Now On Sale

The Carlton Football Club 2008 Charity Edition of Monopoly was officially launched on June 12 at the MCG.

The game celebrates Carlton’s remarkable history as well as today’s players. The Carlton version of the world famous board game features 22 current players and four icons of the Club. Rather than wheel and deal with Mayfair and Park Lane, players have the chance to build a footy-opoly empire through buying, renting and mortgaging their favourite Carlton stars. Stars and legends featuring the ‘top end’ of the Board Walk include Chris Judd, Brendan Fevola, Nick Stevens and Marc Murphy.

DONNIE HOWSER

Melbourne great, Doctor Don Cordner, was delivering babies at nine years old.

Demon has heart

MELBOURNE draftee Jack Grimes comes from tough stock. And here's proof. His grandfather Don, 77, was playing golf last Saturday when at the eighth tee he experienced chest pains, which later turned out to be a mild heart attack. But not only did he play the remainder of the 18 holes but won the tournament before being carted off in an ambulance to a hospital cardiac ward. And he was still there yesterday, doing well thankfully. Truth is, it's Don's fault that Jack and all his family barrack for Melbourne. When Don's mother was pregnant with him, her doctor was Don Cordner, one of the handful of Cordners who made such a big mark at Demonland. No doubt the Dees will be hoping Jack is as tough as his grandfather … and as talented as his great-grandmother's doctor!

Don is 77, which means he was born in 1931. Don Cordner is 86, which means he was born in 1922. You do the maths: 1931 - 1922 = 9 years old.

Is Don, is wrong.

Still, it's not a complete balls-up for the Age. Both Don's father Ted and his uncle Harry were doctors. Since Harry was born in 1885 and Don 1905, either could have been on hand to slap Don's arse.

I expect - nay, demand! - Media Watch expose this wicked, flagrant and wanton distortion next Monday.

WHOOSH!

Still here. Just popped in from the slopes where I've drawn a line in the snow with my Range Rover.

Mick Malthouse? The extension of today's stupid comment that Collingwood play too many blockbusters is "We want easy games." Wanker.

Adam Goodes? Rort! People have been muttering he got off his THIRD charge because he is aboriginal. I don't buy that. It's because he plays for Sydney and not Melbourne. You see, the Affle want Goodes to overtake Jim Stynes' consecutive games record so that a Melbourne achievement is expunged from the record books, thus further clearing the way for the Affle to shaft the Demons.

BUM RAP

Playing footy for Brigades at Northampton in 1987 I was once sent off for abusing the umpire. I said "awwww" [sic]. OK, so it was only for the rest of the quarter in a pre-season lightning carnival, but the umpire was a real estate agent.

An email arrives from Bruce:

A story from my Grandfather playing in the Millewa league before the war. A pretty harsh tribunal for a man to miss a grand final for use of the word 'arse'.  Makes a punch in the guts 50m off the ball look like assault.

You know what they say: The more things change, the more things change. Barry Hall would have got life at that tribunal.

At a guess I'd say Bruce had just read the wonderful Football Stories From Country Victoria.

Thanks for the email, Bruce, and thanks for the link, Brownie.

FINGER ON THE PULSE

From today's Pulse in the Herald Sun:

Richmond needs to kick six more goals to bring up the 25,000th goal in the club's 100 year history.
The Tigers have amassed the goals in 1028 games.
Wouldn't it be fitting if Matthew Richardson kicked the milestone goal?

By my maths, right off the top of me noggin, without the help of a calculator, 24994 goals divided by 1028 games works out to roughly 24.313 goals per game. That seemed a little high to me, if not quite unlikely. But only quite.

Following extensive research:

Richmond have indeed scored 24994 goals, but they have done so in 1937 home-and-away matches and 78 finals matches for a total match count of 2015 matches, which works out to an average of about 12.404 goals per game.

And they say I'm not on top of the big issues.

PLAYING THE PERCENTAGES

The latest Aussie Rules research from Roy Morgan. Yawn. The AGB has done its own research.

Adelaide Crows supporters are:

• 490% more likely to think KG & Cornsey are adults

Brisbane Lions supporters are:

• 276% more likely to think Kevin Murray is a river

Carlton Blues supporters are:

• 221% more likely to have participated in white collar crime

Collingwood Magpies supporters are:

• 332% more likely to eat through a straw

Essedon Bombers supporters are:

• 167% more likely to have inherited a speech impediment

Fremantle Dockers supporters are:

• 304% more likely to celebrate too hard, too early

Geelong Cats supporters are:

• 245% more likely to be retrenched by Ford in the next 4 years

Hawthorn Hawks supporters are:

• 145% more likely to have been kicked out of a nightclub

Melbourne Demons supporters are:

• The best

North Melbourne Kangaroos supporters are:

• 148% more likely to have sold their holiday shack on the Gold Coast

Port Adelaide Power supporters are:

• 396% more likely to have received stolen goods

Richmond Tigers supporters are:

• 162% more likely to have children named after soap stars

St Kilda Saints supporters are:

• 397% more likely to over-rate their chances

Sydney Swans supporters are:

• 498% more likely to have danced and sung along to Kylie Minogue

West Coast Eagles supporters are:

• 286% more likely to think this statistic will be about drugs

Western Bulldogs supporters are:

• I couldn't find any