AGB Footy

REX "RHYMES WITH" HUNT

A nickname is not a nickname if you have to explain it. Here's a grab from Rhymes With's Friday footy preview:

I still have a query on the Eagles forward line because they aren't going to get nine goals out of Chickadee and the Lynch Party every weekend.

Against that is a side of consumate professionals, a side that finds a way to get the job done.

When Ashley Judd is down, up jumps the Shaver (Braun), the Stadium (Embley) and Kissin' Cousins.

They will win because the game is at Subiaco, but I don't underestimate their opposition. James McDonald is one of the most underrated players in the competition, while Johnny Rivers is back playing the way we know he can.

Hunt is famous for his nicknames - fuck knows why. Most of them are leaden, ham-fisted or just plain obvious. Making it worse is the way 3AW and its sub-cretin callers beat up his "genius" at concocting them. It's nauseating. "Porplyzia? Just wait 'til big Rexy gets hold of that." Clunt Grabarse is the worst, of course, but Madame Gerard is not far behind. (You should have heard the rank slurping the weekend after his philandering with beauticians was outed.) No, ninety percent of the nicknames are rubbish, most of the rest childish. What's more, in the above passage, the sole player without one is the sole player with a legitimate one - James "Junior Burger" McDonald.

In further nickname news. What is wrong with this list from The Sunday Age?

 

1. Eldrick "Tiger" Woods
2. Jack "The Golden Bear" Nicklaus
3. Wayne "The Duck" Carey
4. Glenn "Pigeon" McGrath
5. Peter "Spider" Everitt
6. John "The Rat" Platten
7. Jesse "The Ebony Antelope" Owens
8. Lou "The Iron Horse" Gehrig
9. Bernard "The Badger" Hinault
10. Max "The Beast" Mirnyi

I don't mean Max Mirnyi, who looks to have been added to either pad numbers, or for a little variety. Or maybe even so the journo can show off. Surely there are more suitable picks than "The Beast". No, I mean something else.

FOOTY SHORTS

UP YER DATE!
Were you asked for your three favourite sporting moments, chances are you'd remember when and where those moments occurred. You know, like when Cliffy Young won the Sydney to Hobart in a pair of thongs at the Hammersmith Odeon. Not so Cameron Ling on SEN who recently pick his three, one of which was: "Well, obviously there's Kieren Perkins' swim at the 2000 Sydney Olympics." Obviously, that's news to Perkins. The only thing Kieren was swimming in at Sydney 2000 was autograph hunters. [Update! And the wake of Grant Hackett.] Whenever you see these polls it's hard not to conclude that the person doing the picking is just picking the usual suspects, naming names they're expected to name.

BULLY SHIT!
Then there's Gerard Neesham who was talking wacky tactics (Who better?) on White Line Fever: "Australia lost the hockey at the 1976 Olympics when the Indians lay down in the penalty area to render any shot at goal 'lifted'. India then snuck away for one goal at the other end and won the gold." A result that might surprise our Kiwi frien ... acquaintances who won the hockey gold at Montreal. By the way, Kiwis I bump into always seem to want to remind me of this monumental affair. My standard reply: "Like, bro - hockey?"

GAIN EVENT
The good: Nine's Tony Jones tees up his mates to toss in $10 each so they can have a barby at Jones' house and watch the Green/Mundine stoush on Main Event.
The bad: Nine's Tony Jones invites his mates around to his house for a barby so as to watch the Green/Mundine stoush on Main Event. Tone then bails them up at the door, hitting them for $10 each.
You decide.

BLACK AND NIGHTMARE
This subby in The Australian knows either nothing about football in Melbourne, or Unca Rupy has ordered a Sinney beat-up. AFL puppets, The Pinks, could win the next three flags, as far as I'm concerned, as long as it prevents Collingwood from winning just one. I mean, really, name me just one non-Collingwood supporter here in Poohtown, 3000 who wants The Poys to win the premiership.

CONTROL THE DICE
"Rolling the dice" has got out of hand. (Ho. Ho.) Initially, it was the pet phrase of Jason Junktime Bennett, and to a lesser extent Steve Quartermaine, but lately it's slithered into everything football. The AFL makes a decision on the rules, they are rolling the dice. Aint Kilda sack Grant Thomas, they are rolling the dice. Mark Williams moves Chad Cornes to full-forward, he's rolling the dice. Terry Wallace goes all-out flood, he's rolling the dice. Neil Craig finally mans up, he's rolling the dice. David Nietz rolls a dice, he's rolling the dice. For fuck sake, stop it!

I'M REX HUNT AND I'M NOT

Rex Hunt* has been leading a double life. The 3AW blowhard and boastful family-man has been caught porking beauticians - for money! (Facials extra.) Millionaire Rexy says they weren't hookers, though, just poor people. Perhaps he's having a sly chuckle - one was named Robyn Hood.

* Sex Hunt? No, this blog is above such vulgar wordplay.

WE GOT FIVE YEARS, MY BRAIN HURTS A LOT

Channel Seven are finalising their commentary team for the next five years. Judging by the names chucked around today it will be pretty much as you'd expect - same shit, different bucket.

Cometti in mix

CHANNEL 7 will decide within the next two weeks whether it will try to poach Dennis Cometti from Channel 9. Perth-based Cometti, widely regarded as football's top match-day caller, is out of contract with Nine in December.

While some rival network's callers will be considered, Seven boss Ian Johnson said yesterday the station would reward loyal staff such as Tim Watson.

Johnson said planning meetings over the next two weeks would identify its football personnel for the next five seasons.

There's no point bitching about Bruce, we're just gonna have to grin and bear him. Grim and bear him, more like. I've decided I like Tim Watson on the radio, but I can't remember what he's like on the telly. He's got a goofy smirk, doesn't he, but he should be OK. Seven would be bonkers not to go after Cometti. Gary Lyon isn't too bad, bit of a suck, but he'll probably stay at Nine. Hopefully Brian Taylor will get a go. Hopefully Clunt Grabarse won't. Wayne Carey, I can handle. Dermot, I can't. Wayne Shwash, as Kevin Bartlett calls him, is good value. Craig Hutchison is an OK host, but he's a terrible commentator. Fuck me if I didn't see Basil Zempilas with David Schwarz on Sunday morning. Basil's a dick, and Schwarz a loud-mouthed oaf. Dwayne Russell can take his "paint" and fuck off. No idea what Chris Mainwaring is like - is he still doing the Kino, or Lotto, or whatever? Sandy Roberts? A pompous dickhead. Seven have Paul Salmon tucked away somewhere - he's just fucking awful. Dipper, anyone? Matthew White's a hipster fuckwit. Jo Whatserface, Gary Sweet's ex, as a boundary rider?

So you see, some good, most bad, roughly the same. In general, an appalling lack of depth.

But let's not beat about the undergrowth. Seven will have to hang their hat on Friday night. Every footy-fan in the land is waiting to see if they fuck things up. Hopefully they won't. They could start by axing Nine's stings. You know, the trailer-trash rock that takes us to and from the ads. Mind you, if on that very first telecast next year Bruce blurts out something like "Footy's back home!" there'll be trouble.

By the way, anyone think Nine won't have the footy in 2012? You fools.

PS: Check out Noreen's amusing blue take on TV footy. She's right, too, which I suppose makes me "thick, ill-educated and innumerate". Unlike the pundits, though, at least I know I am. (I thought they called it footer over there. They did in those stupid comics I read as a kid - "Wotcha, Nulty, footer t'morrah, yeah?")

WANCHOR WORDS

So now that Freo have the points, which phrase will you get sick of first?

1. Pandora's Box
2. Can o' worms
3. Sacrosanct*

YO, ADRIAN!

Super cover on today's Age Sport. That's Adrian Anderson looking a right prune as he announces Wednesday's commission hearing. Speaking of which, anyone care to take a stab at what the Commission might do? Will they ...

a) Rule a draw?
b) Give Freo the win?
c) Make Baker take another shot?
d) Drink tea?

WHAT'S YOUR DERISION?