AGB Footy

WRONG!

Patrick Smith makes his living from being controversial, so he'll be able to afford a few extra sugary treats this week. Why? Because he's penned an article totally at odds with every footy pundit in the land.

He's taken the position that Alistair Nicholson got his right whack for pushing Matthew Lloyd on Saturday afternoon....

The bloke in the yellow shirt and running around with a whistle is called an umpire. Best if you do as he says.

And that the commentators were numbskulls for missing the point of the free kick....

Former Collingwood champ Peter Daicos was commentating and may well have had a seizure. Sitting next to him was Michael Christian, who also appeared to become most unwell. Both men wailed and wept about the match being ruined by Baldwin's decision. All of it nonsense, of course.

And the Melbourne coach is cute....

It drew the great philosopher and Melbourne coach Neale Daniher to note: "It's like pinching a packet of chewing gum from the corner store and going to the gallows." Cute observation but it misses the point.

The article is based on Patrick's assertion that the umpire gave the players due warning that if they started any trouble there would be a penalty.

But who's being cute Patrick? Because let's face it. You're wrong. There is no way umpire Baldwin gave either Nicholson or Lloyd a warning BEFORE they entered into their little fracas.

Therefore if you accept the umpire was late with his warning then he must have paid the free because he thought the contact was illegal. And if that's the case then there has to be many, many more free kicks paid in every game. And that's the point of all the other pundits. The kick was soft. In fact, very soft. Or as one of the five text messages I got within five minutes of it happening read; "WORST free kick ever!"

There's also the question - would the umpire have paid the kick if Lloyd hadn't fallen over? Well, his acting was accused of being outside the spirit of the game, but there are many bigger con jobs throughout a season. And anyway, acting for frees is a part of the game and until it's outlawed it's up to the umpires to recognise it for what it is. Baldwin didn't and subsequently paid an appalling free kick.

And we ought not ignore the fact that even if the umpire DID warn the players in time, it was STILL a pissant decision wherein a reasonable umpire would have agreed there was absolutely nothing in what happened!

So what did happen? My summation is as follows. Rioli kicks the goal. Lloyd mouths off to Nicholson. Nicholson grabs Lloyd's jumper. Ruffles it once. Ruffles it again. The second time near the neck. Lloyd does Louganis. As Nicholson's doing the second shove Baldwin pipes up with a warning. In a cross-pollination of too high (debatable), a warning (late) and seeing Lloyd falling down (getting conned) he over-reacts and  pays the free.

I don't for a minute accept the excuse from the umpiring department that a warning was given. And if you take the warning out of the equation then it's an shocker on all levels.

Unfortunately Patrick also entered into a bout of sleazy semantics....

Once the commentator regained his composure he said the decision was poor when you consider "the context of the game". Whatever does that mean?

C'mon Paddy boy. Now you're starting to pad the article. You know very well the commentator means the free was soft compared to the many other soft frees let go. Except coincidentally, the one paid to Lloyd about five minutes earlier. So don't play word games to mount your case. The term "context of the game" is as readily recognisable a clich� as is "stepping up" or "taking it one week at a time".

As a concession to Smith, I am prepared to accept that Nicholson shouldn't have given the umpire a chance to blow for a free. But given the nature of the contact we'd soon be playing netball if all of those were paid.

Complicating matters is the suggestion that it settled the game. I disagree. I think that given the conditions, Rioli's goal sealed the game and that the free to Lloyd and subsequent goal was superfluous to the result. Not so his earlier soft free which put Essington back in front. But that's another story.

However, it does mean Umpire Baldwin needs to take a good hard look at himself. And consider buying a map to the country grounds. Because even though he's getting backed by The Geish, and obviously can't be demoted without admitting fault, he's bound to be on notice that another howler like that one and he'll have to learn to spell, and then find, Manangaplah Kookardiniyah United. I know I can't.

And finally, I hope Lloyd doesn't expect to receive too many frees over the next few weeks.

PS: The fact Patrick Smith barracks for Essington has nothing at all to do with this post. Nothing. He's a thoroughly professional contrarian. But I just felt I'd mention Smith and Essendon. For no reason.

PUT ON YOUR SPECS MAGEE!

Talking Footy recently aired some footage from Subiaco's House of Crazy. It showed Leigh Matthews arcing up in the Brisbane coaches box while at the Brizroy/Freo Yobbos game. He was pretty animated as he rocked on the edge of his seat, pumped the air with his fists, ordered a large capricciosa shouted instructions into the phone and pulled out great big tufts of baldness.

This morning on the Sunday Footy Show the same footage was shown as they came back from an ad break. The first words uttered by Lyon were something along the lines of "There's Leigh Matthews getting animated at last night's classic struggle at the Gabba." This was followed by Benny Gale making some remark like "Leigh must have really felt the pressure last night."

Now, the fact the footage was included doesn't overly concern me. After all, filmclips that throw back to shows are often just stock footage intended as wallpaper. So, I don't have a problem with production staff slotting it into the show. Some may construe it as lazy. Should the politics suit, there's doubt David Marr would have been all over it like Steadman ink blobs on a Bill Leak canvas. But as far as I'm concerned, it�s not a big deal. Never the less, I'll be keeping an eye out for further transgressions.

The panellist's remarks are another story. These guys are supposed to be experts. If that's the case, then collectively they should be across all media details and at least one member should have spotted the footage for what it was. That is, file footage from the Freo/Boobs game a couple weeks ago.

Most serious though, is the question of their powers of observation. These guys are paid to report what happened during a game. This would indicate to me at least, that they are able to watch a game, discern the events, remember the details, formulate a perspective and accurately portray that perspective in the subsequent newspaper articles and TV and radio shows. In short, tell us what's going on. A pipe dream I know.

What I don't expect is for the pundits to comprehensively undermine their own credibility by missing the most obvious of details. That's why I'm disappointed in both Gary Lyon and Benny Gale. And, in fact, the other so called "experts" on the show for not piping up. You see, last night's footage from the Gabba was of a tough and highly skilled game played in crisp, but hardly wintry conditions. Whereas the Matthews' footage used by Channel Nine was filmed through a hazy curtain of heavy rain. Should he have been on duty, Umpire Parker may even have thrown the ball up.

WAIT! THERE'S MORE!

Looks like Chris Judd is set to re-sign with the Coolers, that's sign again Tim Webster, just as predicted here yesterday.

If you go by the figures being bandied around in today's papers my figure may seem a tad high but if you take off $150,000 as a relocation incentive and another $150,000 as a disincentive to one of the poorer clubs to pursue him I reckon I'm right in the ballpark. And let's elbow that Cousins salary sacrifice idea right now. Nonsense.

Also, arranging a trade for Judd may have been problematic but the fact is he put $850,000 on his bonce (this was revealed to me at a meeting of irresponsible gossip merchants footy insiders) and four clubs at least were prepared to entertain the proposal.

Really though, I never thought he'd leave after I was told in March by a hot source (not Worcestershire) who was adamant there was no way Judd was going to leave Perth this year. That person's estimation, and the prevailing one here in Footy Central, is that he'll do what Kane Johnston did and try to play in a premiership at the Toasters then come back to Victoria having achieved something in Westralian footy.

DON'T FORGET THE STEAK-KNIVES!

What's the go with Gorgeous George Grljusich's favourite player, Jason Ball? Spoken to his mum lately George? I hear the Swan utility, who managed to sink the Demons in Round 5, not that that has any bearing on this post, not even at all, not once, not ever, has asked for a substantial pay rise. More than double, in fact. The Swannies are baulking though, so Ball is canvassing the market. Apparently the salient option is shy a quality ruckman and wears a jumper that turns grey if washed in hot water. That jumper also refuses to entertain the idea of an "Away Laundry".

OR THE COMBINATION BROCCOLI-SLICER NOSE-PICKER!

Speaking of Famous Western Australian Sporting Icons. One of my wide network of spies was at the WA Turf Club members' enclosure. That's at the Gee Gee's, nudge nudge. The secret agent, subtly codenamed Double O Spotto and cunningly disguised as a punter with a beer, observed the FWASI screaming at the top of his voice to a jockey that the little hoop had been paid to lose and was a f****n' cheat and a c**t like his father before him (also a jockey in previous years).

IN OTHER NEWS...

That's not even slightly related even remotely a bit to football at all. Even. Except for....

Back again at The West because all that time spent on John McGrath, David Wirrpunda, Barra, Woosha, Benno, Kempy, Bitey, Gazzo and the gang left me with some unfinished business.

Those in contract re-negotiation include exciting recruit Chris Judd and brilliant goal kicker Phil Matera.

West Coast will re-sign Phil Matera because other clubs don't want him. They consider he gets too many goals from skiving out the back of packs and that if the pressure holds in the midfield and the Eagles fail to develop a loose man through the half-forward line then he's a liability. Hang on a moment! Did I say "Other Clubs"? My mistake. I meant me. He cheats.

Chris Judd's another story. There's been plenty of talk he'll come back to Victoria so he can finally achieve his long cherished dream of playing for the Melbourne Football Club because Footy Central�s where he wants to be. Sort of like Nathan Buckley.

Never the less, the Eagles will do all they can to hold onto the young champ. It's even been reported in today's West Australian, with John McGrath again saving Age journo's some work, that Ben Cousins will offer to take a pay cut to make some salary cap room to accommodate Judd.

WEST Coast captain Ben Cousins has taken a pay cut in his new contract in an effort to keep talented youngsters such as Chris Judd at the club. Cousins, the Eagles' highest-paid player, with a contract estimated to be worth about $1.5 million over three years, has committed to the club until the end of 2006.

Assuming his present contract is, in fact, $1.5 mil over three years I always have queries over such pronouncements. Are we supposed to believe Cousins is not going to receive his $1.5 mil? Are we supposed to believe he's going to receive less over the duration of a subsequent signing?

West Coast would have factored in potential increase in Cousins' next contract. Therefore, is it merely a case of him staying on the same salary? This would free up space in their projections. But it�s not a reduction. And how is anyone supposed to know it�s true and not just ra-ra rhetoric? No one's ever going to know whether he does or doesn�t take a cut because no one, apart from the Eags number crunchers, knows the truth.

That being said, I don't expect Judd to leave the Weags because I can�t believe they'd let such a gun go. Never the less, my spies informants whistleblowers rumour mongers booze soaked bar flies well placed and reliable contacts inform me he�s placed a price of $850,000 per year for three years on his head. And that Carlton, the Kangaroos, St Kilda and Sydney have expressed interest. Carlton may be well placed with Kouta about to go onto the Veteran's List and Brett Rattan retiring but they have no one to trade, they're out of the draft and they're not allowed to trade their priority pick should they fail to win five and a half games. The Saints are up near 100% of the cap and, along with the Kangas, are ill placed on the ladder. Neither have a like-valued player they would consider trading and what�s the point of trading one match winner for another?

That leaves Sydney. He wants to come back to Victoria, but Tony Lockett wanted to go to Richmond and Collingwood before he ended up at the Swans. Can you smell what the Tone is cookin'?

But. I think he'll stay.

This just in. Stop. Demons chase Croad. Stop. Rumour hot. Stop. Both parties keen. Stop. For second round pick. Stop. Dockers need cap room. Stop. Croad wants out. Stop. Demons want backman. Stop. I love trade period. Stop. It. Can't. Stop.

FOOTY SPEAK

There's been much recent speculation about the future of West Coast Cooler backman, David Wirrpunda. None of it, of course, from the After Grog Blog's thoroughly professional team of reporters. As the editor, let me quote from our Mission Statement � "Speculation and gossip are not part of our journalistic canon." We prefer the term "hearsay".

And yet, despite our undoubted assiduity, we continue to suffer the occasional (and, sob, hurtful) allegation of scandalatious reportage. And sanity lapses. But they don't la la la noo noo Syd Barrett gumble goodle concern us.

In our defence it should be pointed out that ever since the AGB first revealed Wirrpunda's potential transfer to Melbourne in 2002, there have been articles in The Age and The Footy Record opining on his wish to return to Melbourne. And now an article in The West Australian (repeated in The Age) denying he wants to leave.

That's a football denial. As in full and frank admission. Know what I mean? No? Well, consider this press conference exchange between that intrepid young cub reporter, Gareth Parker, and a football identity who�s not Adrian "Barra" Barich, Guy "Bluey" McKenna, Chris "Mainy" Mainwaring, Dean "Kempy" Kemp, John "Woosha" Worsfold, Ben "Benno" Allan or even local ABC boys, Phil "Pet" Lamb and Rod "Spinner" Willett but long-time Coolers C.E.O, Trevor "Nizzy" Nisbett....

Nizzy � "We are totally behind our coach. He has the complete support of the board."

Gareth � "Total? Complete?"

Nizzy � "I'm sorry? You are....?"

Gareth � "Gareth Parker. Western Rural Advertiser Budget. Sports and veterinary desk."

Nizzy � "Righto then. Nice to meet you Gareth. However, this is footy western style. To progress in this business you need a nickname. Something snappy. Preferably one word."

Gareth � "I like Bunky."

Nizzy � "I prefer Gazzo. May I call you Gazzo?"

Gazzo [Nee Gareth] � "Err, no. Anyway, you were saying the coach has the total and complete support of the board."

Nizzy � "Yes. That�s right Gazzo. And we'll be appointing a new one on Monday morning."

So, in light of that denial-non-denial footy-speak, let�s look at John McGrath�s article  shall we....

DAVID WIRRPUNDA has told West Coast he wants to stay.

The big letters look mighty impressive but they don't conceal the fact that Wirrpunda has only SAID he wants to stay. They don't go on to say "If the price is right." or "Offer me lots more loverley lolly and I'll think about it!". And don't think the footy public�s convinced when....

Nisbett said Wirrpunda had been taken out of context in a Melbourne newspaper report last week that said he was looking to go home.

TOOC? I don't think so. Allow me to take you IN context Nizzy....

"He said he'd like to go home at some stage because he is a Victorian......they thought he meant yesterday or tomorrow," Nisbett said.

No they didn't. Don't play the slippery eel with us Nizzy. Of course they didn't mean yesterday or tomorrow. They meant at the end of last year, or the end of this one.

Tsagalis admitted feelers from Victorian clubs had increased since the report.

Since before.

"A lot has been made of  David's family but he has a big family here at the Eagles. He's been here since he was 16."

Isn�t that nice. But what about Bitey?

He is enjoying one of his best years as an AFL player.

Coincidentally, one of the few years he's managed to stay on the park.

West Coast has 11 players coming out of contract, which Nisbett says is the fewest for seven or eight years.

So what?

"We've generally got 50 per-cent of our list," he said.

Say What?!? Sorry. I mean, "half-what".

Footy speak. Talk lots. Say nothing.

After I read the article in Friday's Age I called around to find out if there was anymore oil on Wirrpunda leaving West Coast this year. I was told he's still up on offer and there was even a club mentioned.

Wirrpunda may yet stay at West Coast but it won�t be because of any particular love for the famous old blue and gold jumper. Or even the tie-dyed surfer-bum affair from a couple of years ago. It will be because West Coast couldn�t arrange a suitable swap.

ON A CROAD TO SOMEWHERE

It will come as no surprise to anyone if Trent Croad leaves Freo and is traded back to a Victorian club. He was offered to Geelong during the last draft period but no suitable trade could be arranged. And he'll certainly be offered around this year with Freo likely to put less of a price on his head than last year.

In pure footballing terms I don't consider him the most talented player who's ever gone around, but as an athletic big man there are plenty of clubs that would have him if the price was right. I'd have him at Melbourne.

So, given the right circs there's a chance he could end up at one of many Victorian clubs. Never the less, you'd think the one club that would rule him out would be Hawthorn. You'd think. But there's a whisper out there that the Hawks are more than interested in enticing him back to Glenferrie.

Just remember: You heard it hear first!

DRIVY SUNDAY AFTERNOON

A good win by the Demons yesterday. Pity I didn't get to see it....

Meanwhile, Carlton has blamed people turning up late for massive delays to fans in entering the stadium yesterday. Hundreds were still queueing outside more than halfway through the first term, with general admission tickets sold out. Optus Oval ground manager Martin Shannon said all ticket booths and gates were open and the delays occurred because fans had left it to the last minute. He said the gates had been virtually empty at 1.30 but 15 minutes later, people began turning up in droves. Yesterday's attendance of 24,209 was well below the ground's 32,000 capacity.

Listen up Moosh! You've got no right to tell folks they're turning up late when there's nothing to do before the main game. People would certainly get there earlier if there was a curtain raiser. And anyway, I've been to Optus Oval to watch every Melbourne/Carlton game since 1989, including the minus 99 degree game when some Carlton simpleton was wearing thongs and shorts, and I always arrive about five minutes before game time and I've never had any trouble getting in quick stix. I live in Richmond and the game was in Carlton and it generally takes me about 30 minutes to get from home, find a park, get into the ground and finally to find a place from where to watch the game. Yesterday it was a little different. The game was scheduled to start at 2:10.... 1:35 � Left home. 1:50 � Started driving around Carlton looking for a park. 2:05 � Found park. (Newry Street. A long way away.) 2:20 � Arrived at end of line. 2:35 � Announcement � "General Admin tickets have sold out. General standing room tickets are about to sell out. The only available tickets are for reserved seats ($33:50)" 2:45 � Went home 4:00 � Watched game on telly. Ate chicken chips. Telstra Dome has always had these problems and they�ve made �You should get there earlier� a speciality. However, I�ve never experienced them at Optus. Is it a coincidence that Ian Collins is now in charge at Carlton? It would take an awful lot of work to convince me that Collo doesn't intentionally make entry difficult so as to shepherd patrons into the more expensive seats to pay off his stadium debts. What he said!