AGB Cricket

WORLD CUPDATE XXXII

Part 1: Not Quite Right Part 1

You'd think Honssee Cronyeah's 99 bank accounts would've peaked the ICC's interest. You'd think:

news emerged on the day that Malcolm Gray, the International Cricket Council president, admitted that his body had all but given up hope of catching the game's cheats.

I wouldn't sweep it under the covers just yet, Malcolm. It ain't gonna go away:

DPP to continue its investigations into Cronje's complicated finances suggests that the full extent of match-fixing in cricket may yet emerge.

Getting a whiff of scandal here. Does anyone else reckon the ICC know's who's involved?

Part 2: Not Quite Right Part 2

Why can't I find anything about this in the papers? It's noteworthy.

Harby bowls. Hits Gilchrist on thigh. Ball pops to slip. Bounces in front of Ganguly. Ganguly gathers. Ganguly appeals. Not out.

Now. Gilchrist clearly didn't hit it. Ganguly clearly didn't catch it. If Morgan Freeman had thought Gilly hit it he would have referred it to the Third Umpire. Rudi.K would certainly have given it not out.

However, what if there was no third umpire? What if we were back in the days before Michael Vaughan and the crease limpets? The days when batsmen asked the fieldsman if they'd caught it.

• Would Ganguly have said he caught it? I'm thinking, yes.


• If Ganguly's appeal was in earnest, he's a massive cheat. He knew Gilly didn't hit it. He knew it bounced.


• Did Ganguly assume the Third Umpire would dismiss it if it was referred? In other words, was it a clever sledge? If it was, it worked. Gilly responded with a crack about the replay then proceded to go the tonk and get out soon after. (After scooping a chance the ball before. Silly batting.)


• Does this little episode vindicate the Third Umpire's judging of low catches? Benefit of the doubt and all that. Surely instances like that prove the worth of assessment via the replay. So, let's have no more talk of the "Good Ole Days".

Part 3: Not Quite Right Part 3

Realisitically, once Sach'n Bash was out the Indians should have had no hope. This wasn't the case though:

• If the game was washed out before 25 overs then there would have been a complete rematch the next day. Australia's 359 would have amounted to nothing. This is completely unacceptable! Can you imagine the rumpus that would ensue if the game was abandoned after 24 overs and the next day Australia lost after being rolled for 250. In the future, play on reserve days MUST continue from where the game left off at the rain delay.


• If the Indians had gotten to 25 overs, all they needed was to be 1 for 130. That's marginally more than five an over and seems manifestly inadequate considering Australia mounted a massive total at more than seven an over. I'm generally in favour of the Duckyloo system, but in light of last night, some tweaking of the formula is necessary.

WORLD CUPDATE XXXI

Part 1: Cricketer Chews Gum and Walks!

It's official, Adam Gilchrist's an all round good guy and the pundits are chuffed to their Moo Moos:

Alex Brown in The Age - "...display of honesty rarely seen on international cricket fields..."

Mark Waugh's Best Mate in The Australian - "...refreshing gesture from a quality player..."

Crash Craddock in The Current Bun - "...an act of goodwill in the modern game..."

Let's get Real Kids!

Surely Ricky Ponting's closer to the truth; "I think Gilly didn't see Rudi's (umpire Rudi Koertzen's) not out. He knew he got some bat on it and set off."

Gilchrist got an obvious touch and not thinking Koertzen would make such a giant blunder, walked off without looking. As my flat mate said; "Not out would have been a shocking decision!" After he'd taken a few steps he couldn't then turn round and come back. I bet he was kicking himself in the dressing room. It's connected to the shower bone. Painful that.

What the pundits would have us believe is that Gilchrist has gone through some kind of catharsis that has him embarking on a crusade to reform the image of world cricket. Or that Gilchrist has made a conscious decision to walk every time he thinks he's out. That scenario simply defies belief. Nope! It was just one of those things.

Never the less, it'd be nice if Gilchrist ushered in a new era in proffessional sportsmanship. I'm not holding my breath. Expect crease-limpets like Nasser Hussain and Steve Waugh to keep their feet super-glued to the pitch.

Footnote: Crash also wrote:

Umpire Morgan Freeman tries to encourage batsmen to walk by leaving his decision as late as possible but barely anyone accepts his offer.

Balls. What fiction's that?!? Whenever I've heard him interviewed he's said he's trying to find a reason not to give the batsman out. I've never heard him say anything about encouraging the walk.

WORLD CUPDATE XXX

Part 1: Could be a long night.

3 for 51. Two wickets to stoppers. One to a bizarre crisis of conscience from Gilchrist.

What was that I said? THE PITCH IS CRAP!

First silliness; Gilchrist hits it straight to Murali who bowls it at the stumps. Misses. Not out. Tony Greig - "WHAT A BRILLIANT piece of fielding!! Wonderful fielding!!"

WRONG!! Straight at him. Clear shot at the stumps. Time to aim. 15 metres away. Miss. POOR fielding. Shut up Tony. Where's my radio?

Part 2: Beep. Beep. Incoming text: delicately poised.

Half time at the cricket. Target 214. That's one more than Sarth Efrica were chasing in the 1999 Semi Final. We're home! Cough.

A couple of observations before I tuck little baby Aptiva in for the night:

• Sanath Jayasuriya used Chamina Vaas really well.


• The Shrees must have worked on their throwing. From memory they hit the stumps with four boundary returns.


• This tournament could be the making of Andrew Symons.


• Their batting's been fragile, but unlike England and New Zealand, this is the kind of pitch the Shrees like to bat on. Took a while for the commentators to wake up to that.


• If the Aussies don't bowl their at best, they're gone.


• I'm hoping for a Daffy Donald Duck , but I fear it'll be Sri Lanka by 4 wickets.

Part 2: I've a confession. I love Collo! I might even buy a Bald T-Shirt!

WORLD CUPDATE XXIX

Part 1: Gorn Pollock!

No surprise round Clogbloggia that Shorn Pollock got the sack.

From Ex-Pat O'Jennings, "His captaincy in this tournament was so dreadful that it had to be done." From Scott Crow, "Shawn Pollock has paid the price for failure." As he should. If you're both dreadful and a dismal failure it's time to hit the bricks.

There's no point tip-toeing round the issue. The guy was a dud skipper.

"CULLINAAAAAAAN!!!".

Turns out he's also a rat. First he Knocked Back The Dagger and did the Cowardly Thing.

THEN he Blamed A Dead Guy for his shortcomings. "Since the Hansie issue there has been an effort to ensure the captain isn't given too much power." Low.

Now the replacement for Pollock is Graeme Smith. He's real tough. "The Aussies called me nasty words." Sob, sob, kick dog.

Clearly in Yarp Efrica it's not a game it's a shame!

Then there's the issue of Honssie's Missing Moolah. Tony Greig knows Where The Loot's Buried. Come to think of it, Tony ALWAYS knows how to make a buck. What a bargain! Pitch-Chunks. $50.00 Unframed.

Apparently there was a bit of a cover up. It seems the Indian cops found out what was going on but the Sarth Efrican officials decided it would be too embarrassing in the lead up to the World Cup Of Benaud. "....three sources, who said the investigation was called off a month before Cronje's death." Where's ace scandophile Bob Woodward when you need him?

And poor old Honssie. 99 bank accounts. Still couldn't crack the ton.

Speaking of shorn. Seems the Kiwi's are looking for some Scapesheep of their own. I'd suggest their tactic of revealing their tactics over twelve months ago was a tactical mistake.

WORLD CUPDATE XXVIII

Part 1: Toss You For It!

Punter: Where'd the coin go?

Tony: It lawnded in thet raveeen. The one over there awn a gud length.

Guess I'll have to touch wood while I cross my four fingered clovers because there was some bad news over-night. Just when it looked like we might have secured a semi-final against a minnow, the minnow swallowed a macrow and where back where we were. Looking at a game against the crap track bullies, New Z'land, or the bent arm bullies, Shree Lunka.

Judging by the papers, I'm not the only one concerned.:

Beefy Botham immediately recognised the threat; "You don't want such big games games played on uneven wickets. Australia will take a lot of beating, but under those conditions, anything could happen." True! "TAIL 'EM UP Punter!!"

Ali Baba's Concerned. "We are determined to produce a pitch for the cricket World Cup semi-final at St George's Park that is conducive to great one-day cricket." So in true Bracksian spirit, he's called for An Inquiry. Why aren't I convinced? Never the less, he's fully aware of how embarrassing it would be to Sarth Efrican cricket if the World Cup was forever remembered for it's dodgy tracks. However, it may count for nothing if the Tide's still in on the Port Elizabeth pitch next week.

Doom and gloom aside, I have to agree with The Spanker when he writes; "The Australians appear to be relishing the challenge and appreciating the opportunity." There's no doubt the Aussies are better scrappers than most of the other teams and that's seen them in good stead so far. But, I also agree with Roebuck whan he writes; "Australia has been playing with fire." You can only tempt fate for so long. Eventually the chickens come home to pay the piper.

Why is it that while the other teams keep losing, they also keep getting lucky breaks to remain in contention? The Australians, on the other hand keep winning and therefore increasing the pressure. They must lose sooner or later. One unlucky break could mean they're out on their collective ears. Of course, it just so happens that we'll play one of the two sides best suited to beat Australia on a Pot Luck Pitch.

If Australia win this tournament they'll have well and truly earned it.

Part 2: Whazza matta? Hooza pretty boy then?

What's the go with Chrissie Cairns? He sledges Ponting throughout the Aussie skipper's innings, then when he cops a return serve scampers off to Morgan Freeman for a whinge. Soft!

Of course the Guardians at Fairfax are into Ponting.

We're all sooooo unworthy!

WORLD CUPDATE XXVII

Part 1: Pass the port, Elizabeth.

Turns out the predictions of a tight game were only partially true. A Comfortable Win disguised what was, for the most part, a tough contest on a dodgy pitch.

Oddly enough the condition of the core real estate was a side issue. It may have played on the player�s minds, but they either got themselves out or were beaten by good balls. No wicket came about due to tennis-ball tricks. Never the less, runs weren't easy to get on an ill prepared pitch that should not enjoy the kudos of a semi final. That game should not be turned into a game of One Up. Although, the Aussies probably wouldn't mind now they've had a chance to get used to it.

Of the batsman who got out to dud shots, Ponting's was probably the worst, but Cairns and Vincent also fell on their bats. Mind you, Cairns's six was one of the better ones I've seen in world cricket. Martin lamely hung his out for slips practice and Harvey didn�t know what to do with his. Flummo got out to a loose one, but this came about after Travis and Blee had tempted him with a succession of slowish wide ones and his eyes became bigger than his bat. It's true what they say; "S**t gets wickets!"

The Flummo tactic was reminiscent of McGrath bowling to Lara. Neither batsman gets fully across to wide ones as they slash away through the off side. In concert with round the wicket bowling, it cramps their swing and would appear a sound tactic.

Some of the batsmen, however, got rip-snorters. None more so than Hogg, but Gilchrist (A bit unlucky) and Adams also got skittled by screamers. Scott Styris was trapped by a superb McPigeon Off-cutter. Ian Botham; "That's not only plumb ... That's just OUT" and Jacob Oram was clinically cleaned up by a ball so good that the stump cam had to have a little lie down to contemplate the cloud formation. This was duly acknowledged by Oram when he saw it on the Giant Telly; "Awwww, Faarrrrrk!" .

Adams had a shocker! A rank beamer and a twin hopper which Travis clubbed for six.  It was about then you got the impression the Aussies might mount a defendable score. It's amazing how often a scrambled score after a poor start returns the pressure onto the chasing side. Not to mention the two sixes from Lee at the end.

Lee and Bond bowled brilliantly. Full and fast. Just the ticket on an awkward pitch. Bond gets plenty of wickets against the Aussies, but doesn't seem particularly prolific against other teams. Of course, Adam from Thomastown will be happy with Lee's figures.

Part 2: More? The boy wants more?

Yes I do dammit! And none of that gruel thanks, Fatso!

I'm sick of Blogger! For some reason I can only ever post about 480 words. Less with blockquotes. That's only about a page of 12 font in Word. It means I can't ever do a substantial post. When I'm on a frantic Clog run, that spells S-w-e-a-r-a-l-o-t.

Anyhoo, this arvo, before I went to the place where I get paid, I was blogging about last night's game against the Achy Shakey Islanders and had plenty more to say. All of it juicy. None of it sensible.

Firstly, I was struck by how lowly Thommo rates Damien Martin. He went on for ages about how Martin never makes any runs when it counts. Sure, he's been a bit achy flakey lately, but for about 18 months he was close to the best Aussie batsmen. He's got a big head though, I wonder if a couple of good years went to it. He needs to start moving his feet. I wonder if the Kiwi's tactics last year unsettled him.

I watched the TV with the volume up AND the radio on. I'm starting to warm to Ian Botham, but he's offset by Tony Greig and Ian Smuth. Mike Haysman's an apprentice Greig. Bout time he started auctioning pictures of Table Mountain. Or even a table. $500 Rand unframed. One wonders how these tools get a gig. Simon O'Donnell instead of Richie? Don't Nine ever learn? How about getting someone with a pleasant sounding voice? James Mason's not long dead. "Go ahead Greig. Do your stuff!"

I'm also sick of replays over-lapping real action. They only play them because the commentators have nothing worthwhile to add. Just let us enjoy the rhythm of the game. Don't over-cook it. And the Runout Ruler?!? Close is close. Six inches of six cubits? They're still either IN or OUT. No Inbetweens here. The actual distance doesn't matter. "Shorts don't matter! It's what's inside that......ummm......right."

Also, we know a Melon is a Noggin. In the UK a Loaf is a Turnip and in France a Merde is a Tete. Did you know that in Enzed a Nadger is a Swede? According to Smuthy anyway. Although, he may have been talking about his sandwich filling.

Of course the best line of the day went to the Richie. When he saw three sun-basted shirtless Kiwi zeppelins quaffing beer as they waved to the camera he noted; "Jusssst trying to signal their dieticians." Love your work Doyen. Not dieting. Waving.

WORLD CUPDATE XXVI

Part 1: Which is it then?

I like Peter Roebuck. Honest. Never the less, he frequently ends up padlocked in the AGB Stocks with me gnashing bad teeth, brandishing an over-ripe eggplant and screaming "Gaggrr. Gurrrrr. Oim f'rrst!". Today's no exception:

"Considering the pressures on [Heath Streak] and the abuse thrown at him by dismal English journalists living in pretty little places like Surbiton."

Seem's Dismal Roebuck thinks England's a "pretty little place" to live. And, by implication, a safe place from which to criticise Zimbabwe. Or not. If Spanky's March 6 article is anything to go by:

"The possibility of war with Iraq has turned the island into a target for terrorists. As far as visitors are concerned, Harare is safer than Bondi or Heathrow."

However, the last time I Scored in Surbiton, I didn't notice the:

"Police were everywhere, standing still and solemn in a crowd trying to be cheerful."

as they were in Bulawayo in Spanky's article from Feb 25.

C'mon Peter, no-one really thinks Britain's like THIS; slick uniforms though, or THIS; "Pass the cider Ma".

However, it surely offers better prospects than those available to the people of Zimbabwe.

Part 2: Rotation.

New Z'land always give Australia a tough game, and tonight's game will be no exception. They're the team I fear most and, like Richard Hadlee, I consider them a fine team. So there'll be no "Upset Talk" round here, should the Kiwis get up.

One thing puzzles me though. The Kiwis have been dwelling on the success of their strategies in last year's Green Can Cup. Therefore, are they going to use the same tactics? It strikes me that they'd have been much better served if they'd held back on the surprises until it really mattered. Namely now. Or have they got something else up their sleeves? Dipak Patel to open the bowling perhaps? Mark Greatbatch the batting?

Damien Martin's been doing plenty of work on the Kiwi's gully/point trap and Adam Gilchrist's been working on ways to counter round the wicket bowling. What's New from the Black Caps?

Also last summer the Kiwis Went The Tonk. There's no Shane Warne this time so does This Headline mean Hogg's in for a tough match? The Kiwi's wouldn't have seen much of him. Maybe he could prove the difference. He's got an excellent toppy/wrong'un. Warne used his sparingly last January.

So, have the Kiwis played their cards too early? The Aussies have surely thought up some way to counter the Kiwi slog fest. Hard and fast at the ribs is always hard to counter and we've seen plenty of that so far.

However, the Aussies displayed a degree of over confidence last time. This time it would appear they've Recognised the Threat posed by New Z'lund and are hoping to eliminate them from the semi finals. Australia seem far more focused on their matches this time than they did last year when Player Rotation was all we heard about. I've a hunch that should Australia win tonight, the Kiwis will beat India and make it through to the semis anyway.

Never the less, Mike Coward's sub editor is right when he declares that a Great Rivalry Deserves World Stage. This will be a tight game. Australia should win. They won't be as blase as they were last time, but the Kiwi's are playing better too. They keep squeaking past obstacles and we all know that a little luck goes a long way in a tight cricket tournament.

WORLD CUPDATE XXV

Part 1: Bully For You!

~~ "Morning Bully"

~~ "Shut up you snivelling Headmaster"

Who'll ever forget the West Indies thumping world cricket with an endless production line of fast bowlers. From Wes Hall, all the way through to Curtley Ambrose the Windies were feted for their uncompromising and ruthless cricket. The batsmen who countered them just as much so. Why do you think Alan Border is so highly regarded?

Back in the '70's there was also Lillee and Thompson. This brace of Speed Merchants is often rated the deadliest of all time. Yet while they were terrorising batsmen, cricket fans won't forget Roy Fredericks smacking them round the WACA in 1975.

If you disregard the obvious hypocrisy of them decrying fast bowling, you've never heard these cricketers wailing about how the Aussies have become a bunch of bullies. They all know that if you've got a weapon, you use it.

That's why it really spikes me when I read headlines like We're Not Sorry. The implication being that Brett Lee's doing something wrong. Sorry for what?!?

Fortunately Captain Punter know's test cricket's a tough gig and isn't backward in coming forward when he says; "We are not going to go out there and bowl full wide ones where he (Jayasuriya) is going to smack us over cover every time or point every time. That's a weakness in his game and we've picked up on that of late and we've been able to execute pretty well."

In other words; "Tough s**t!". Nice use of execute by the way. Good man that Punter.

Thommo knows it's a tough game too. However, he shouldn't have to defend stupid accusations about Bodyline Bullies. Especially from slack paced trundlers like Angus Frazer who should know better than to say; "They tend to bully the Asian sides with short-pitched bowling". Racialistical angles not withstanding.

Nope! Pipe smoking, beige clad dilettantes may pine meekly for the good old days of village green, tea-cakes and "jolly-fine-shot-that" but top class Elysian Field cricket disappeared with green rubber spiked batting gloves, Phillip Adam's whistful memories of Dickies towels and the Titfield Thunderbolt.

Let's ask Big Curtley to get nice. What was that Big Fella? "If you don't like the heat, get back in the kitchen!" Love your work Amby!

WORLD CUPDATE XXIV

Part 1: Rout Of Africa.

All through a difficult southern summer Nasser Hussain performed his duties with dignity and humour. Turns out he wasn't playing out of character either, because now he's gone and done The Honourable Thing.

Chances are that Sean Pollock may also be Offered the Dagger in the hope that a mourning nation may yet Save Face. Did I say mourning? Yep. Seem's it's What They're Best At.

Patrick Smith writing in today's Australian Said as Much when he noted; "Even Tony Greig in the commentary box told us Boucher needed to score a single at least off that last ball...."

Even Tony Grieg: DOOMED!

Yarpies coach Eric Simons certainly agrees! "Simons also expressed the hope that Shaun Pollock will not step down as captain after facing a barrage of criticism." We Joe Shlubs here in fanland all know that's code for; "We shall be appointing a new captain in the morning."

I'm tipping the last conversation between Hussain & Pollock went something like this....

Sean: "After you."

Nasser: "No. Nooo. After you."

Sean: "Ooooooooh. Never. Do lead."

Nasser: "You're too too TOO kind. But no, I simply couldn't."

Sean: "Together?"

Nasser: "Ooooh yes. Let's!"

Sean: "Well, it IS raining. Let's share."

Nasser: "What a good idea!"

Sean: "Thaanngg gyoo."

WORLD CUPDATE XXIII

Part 1: Water off a duck's back!

Whaddaya mean one more?

Daffy Duckworth Lewis knows The Score.

So does this Little Black Duck!

Not so, this Duckhead!

WORLD CUPDATE XXII

Part 1: We like it rough.

Great win by the Aussies. Bad sleep by the teacher. Those winning streaks though. Startin' to worry.

Bevan's a freak and the freak wasn't even playing. Work that one out. Travis Bichel was fabulous too.

Based on the closeness of games played on those diplomatically termed "difficult pitches" it must be tempting for cricket authorities to throw up dodgy tracks all the time. If January's pot-holed bat-off is anything to go by, they already have in New Z'lund.

Not much to say on the game that hasn't already been said, but I've a few observations:

• Andy Caddick's fine when the going's good. As it was early when the Aussie top order were getting themselves out. When the heat's on though, he turns into one great big grey-haired pressure bunny. Those last two over's of his were soft as big soft pink chewy confectionary.


• The choke was contageous too. Michael Vaughan's last over Mid-on mishap reeked of classic Shark.G.W.


• It would be brilliant if one of the Pommy fielders had sledged Travis Bichel before he hit that six. Imagine the comeback; "SCOREBOARD!" Don't forget to point Trav.


• On the very next ball Andy Caddick lamely fell into line behind a nicely stroked, but hardly scorched on-drive. How do you take your coffee Andy? "With Marshmallow thanks" Do surprise.


• I've never considered myself an overt patriot but there's something warm and reassuring about a bunch of yellow clad bozos bouncing up and down with their blow up kangaroos. Nice work folks.


• Ex Pat O'Jennings must be loving work at the moment. One - The Ashes. Two - The Green Can Cup. Three - The Upton Park Murder Massacree (In Eleven Part Harmony) . Four - Nil.

Part 2: Who's this?

"Oh Yes! THAT'S OUT!"

"Now. That looked plumb. Lets have a look at the replay. Pitches outside leg. Missing off. Not Out. What saved him was he was across so far"

What saved him was the ball wasn't going to hit the stumps. At all.

The batsman's Lehmann. The commentator's holding... his willy.

WORLD CUPDATE XXI

Part 1: I'm sorry. I'll say that again.

At about one o'clock I wrote:

Australia have lost. Good! When I think we may go into the final on the back of a 16 match winning streak I shudder.

It only needs a lost toss and all of a sudden we're chasing a difficult target on a dodgy pitch against a side that has the scent of upset in their nostrils. In those circs everything always seems to go right for the under-dogs.

Tonight, Andy Bish-elle excepted, it has.

We've got that self same dodgy pitch. And everything's gone right for England as well. Dropped catches re-taken, Vaughan. Bad LBW's, Martin. Poor caught behinds, bonus fumble included, Hogg. Miss-hits all going straight to the fieldsmen.

The upside is we've managed to release some of the implied pressure that a winning run entails.

Well, whaddaya know? I'm wrong. Don't count your Bevans until they hatch. That was one of the best get-out-of-jail efforts since Ronnie Biggs chased 550 for Wormwood Scrubs against the Dartmoor Gentlemen's XI.

PS: Can anyone remember a better Man Of the Match performance than tonight's tour de force from Travis Andy Bickel? What happens when Jason Gill'pie regains fitness?

WORLD CUPDATE XX

Part 1: "Ooh Ooh Ahhh! Just look at that follow through."

From this purist's perspective, there's nothing quite as enjoyable as watching Sachin Tendulkar bat. Last night, in the Clashmir of Traditional Rivals, India and Pakistan, he played another masterful innings to see India home. The only pity is he didn't make his century.

Tendulkar makes me drool in my TV snacks. However, it's not as if you're in awe of his power as he doesn't flail away like Viv Richards or Adam Gilchrist. He never looks like he's going to get out as he cruises along like Mark Waugh. You just don't expect him to be dismissed for a "Gracefully made 44". He's also got less than classical footwork, but he is beautifully balanced at the crease. And, refreshingly, he's no show pony as there are no histrionics when he goes about his batting, bowling or fielding. Although he did stun me one day in the 1998 series in India when he casually threw a Left Handed return back from the boundary and right over the stumps. I think most of us know how hard it is to throw with the other arm.

I guess he doesn't need to carry on when he can amaze you simply by batting. The on-drives past the bowler before the bowler has a chance to move. The wristy flicks through the leg side. The sweeps that start outside off-stump and end up with the ball hitting the ropes at very fine fine-leg. And most of all, the back-foot caress either through covers or once again back past the bowler. The last one is the true masterpiece. Shoaib Aktar, Waqar Younis and Wazim Akram could all reasonably expect their straight balls, just short of a length, to be dropped at Tendulkar's feet. However, the merest push of his bat sees the ball speeding back past their feet. Over to you Richie? "Wonderful shot that."

At least Shoaib Aktar got his pre-match wish. He made the statement that he'd like to get Tendulkar out. He did. In his second spell after Tendulkar had spanked him out of the attack early on. Seven balls for twenty runs.

The upshot is though, that Pakistan are out and India, after their debacle against Australia, are looking dangerous. Especially if Tendulkar can get going.

Part 2: While receiving the Man Of The Match award Tendulkar showed admirable modesty and poise, without the hint of coaching all too apparent in an Aussie speech. However, Robin Jackman ought to be given the flick for telling the crowd to shut up for booing Waqar Younis. "I'm waiting. Waiting. Still waiting." So are we, Robin. Get on with it.

WORLD CUPDATE XVIII

Part 1: Absence Note

Apologies for the recent dearth of World Cup reports. I know you're all devastated. Doesn't matter though, I've been reading plenty of good stuff from super-cloggers, Ex Pat O'Jennings and Ubersporty Spice Scott therefore all your Clogging needs have been sumptuously catered for.

"Yeah, but do you have an excuse Teacher Boy?"

Not excuses, reasons. They're twofold and frighteningly mundane. First, I had to work. Whoah there Sad Old Bastard! (I'm sadder, older & bastardier). Before you say anything......Too Late!....

Anyhoo, I teach on Wednesday and Thursday nights. Unfortunately this corresponds with my Big Biggish Some Hits days. The trade off's not too shabby though. I don't have to work on Monday or Friday. Sweet deal! A four day long weekend every weekend. Don't anyone ever question why I became a teacher. However, I sometimes feel I'm blogging to myself. There's an upside here too. I'm massively self-indulgent.

Also, this particular Tuesday delivered low Cloggage because of events Previously Documented. I intend to review that Musical Extravaganza at later date, but as I say, this most recent of AGB midweeks has been somewhat clogged (Hee Hee).

Where the hell am I? Oh yeah. Cricket.

Caught the second half of the Aussie innings last night. Pretty damn uneventful. It was always a casual progression, slip-ups not withstanding. The Aussies were going to score something over two-fifty. Even the last over slogathon was interesting only for how many would be scored. Let's face it. Half the bloggers on my links list would have knocked up at least 16 runs in that over. Girly blogettes included. Nubie Blogger Mike (More about that swamp burner later) tried to read a bit extra into it. Not sure I agree with him. The game was echoing to a chorus of snores. There's no story in Lehmann smacking around a second rate park cricketer. I'd have been much more impressed if he'd tonked Curtley Amby for 28.

Our bowling was even more of a doze as it was blindingly obvious the Nambies didn't have a clue. There's no excitement to be extracted from Glen McPigeon dismissing my blogroll.

That's all I've got to say about this week's cricket. Normal service shall be resumed this (Four Day) weekend.

WORLD CUPDATE XVII

Part 1: Call the Stewards.

Not only did Sri Lanka lose to Kenya, they got flogged (Not footy blogged). Reminds me of Bangladesh v Pakistan last time and The Windies v Kenya the time before that. Bizarre. This is bigger though. Now Kenya are a great chance to advance to the Super 6 stage. And because they've thrashed Sri Lanka and beaten New Z'land on a four-feet, if they make the last stage they'll be seeded Number 1. It also means the Yarpies have a harder run to make the last stage. (Ho. Ho.)

Australia didn't exactly canter in against Zimbabwe In Bulawayo, but neither should they have. The home team aren't a bunch of Zimbociles and would have expected to put up a good show. They batted well at the top and bottom of the innings but Hogg bogged them down mid way. In fact Hogg seems to go from strength to strength. An excellent mid stage bowler, terrific fielder and a more than handy batsman. At this point the Aussies certainly aren't missing Shame Warne.

Brett Lee's catch was a stunner. I think he redefined the term "reflex catch". To quote that famous commentator, Bill Shakespeare; "Is this a ball I see before me?!?"

There may have been a bit of implied pressure, but during the chase the Aussies always looked in control. It was a terrific pitch so the tepid Zimbo attack was never going to trouble them. May have been a touch different if Hondo hadn't done a Tuffers and dropped Gilchrist early on, but the Aussies were going to have to get themselves out. Just like Matty Hayden did. He'd be kicking himself. Caught round the corner to what would have been an innocuous wide. My criticism's nothing whatsoever, at all, even slightly, to do with his selection in my Fantasy Beeb Team. Martin & Lehmann also got some much needed batting practice.

Ian Healy, fast becoming the best special comments man around was asked on ACA, pointedly I might say, by Hairdo Martin whether he thought Channel 9 employee Warnie was hard done by regarding the drugs finding. Said Heals; "Nope. Everyone knows the drug code. It's stressed to them all the time. Warnie knows he shouldn't have taken the pill. End of issue." Well said.

By the way, I wasn't too happy with the crystal set reception from ABC radio.

PS: "Dead Rubber" Dean Jones is just as irritating in the commentary box as he was on the field. "Take your sweat bands off Curtley." I wish he'd stop patronising the minnows. The dear little things don't deserve it. They do try so very hard.

WORLD CUPDATE XVI

Part 1: Hot day. Draw blinds. Drink beer. Watch cricket.

Yesterday's two games weren't biggies. There were, however, some Minty moments. The sort that make the minnow games fun to watch.

India v Namibia was played on an oval with a tree. Reminded me of playing in the Tooronga thirds at Fawkner Park. There you could tap a six. Good for your average. Especially when you're as average as me.

It's always a treat to watch Sachin Tendulakar bat well. No one makes batting look as easy as the Indian batsmeister. It's a pity the whole world has him in their BBC Fantasy World Cup. I'm currently well placed at 21,157.

With a cruisy century Sourav Gangles proved again he's excellent against crap attacks. I couldn't believe it when I saw he has the Second Most Centuries in ODI history. He must have played plenty of minnows. Did I say trouble free? It was until he mistimed a pull to mid-chin. The same thing happened to me a few years ago. It didn't hurt much, but the scar "Chicks dig scars" means shaving can be a bugger.

Nayan Mongia nearly dropped a sitter in the outfield. He must have been concerned about running into tree trunks. However, he recovered beautifully to avoid sliding over the boundary.

In keeping with Monty Python's "Hit the ball back at me like a bullet. Never a chance to move. Couldn't protect myself." Sachin Tendulkar nearly killed the Pakistani umpire, Aleem Dar. Kashmir's got nothing on their cricket rivalry.

I watched the West Indies v Canada. Or as Tony Hancock would say, Car-Nar-Dar, "I don't know about YOU, but I watch Grar-Nar-Dar!"

Nearly fell off my lounge chair, spilling beer all over the cheezeewhatsits when I tuned in to see Comedia were 1 for 120 off 17 overs. Melbourne boy John Davidson had smacked the Windies around for the Fastest Ever 100. Pity the commentators called him alternately Joe, Josh, Joseph, Davies, Harris. Da-vid-son, rhymes with Har-ris. In Eskimo maybe!

Augustine Eldine Learie Collingbush Lancelot Link Vasbert Drakes, took a screamer. Better than John Dyson. Out near the boundary, reaching backwards, stretching full length and plucking a pearler. Tony Cozier; "That's over his head. Completely misjudged it."

WORLD CUPDATE XV

Part 1: Too much sauce?

Nightclubs and cricketers never seem to mix. Chris Cairns needs to have word with Kangaroos footballer David King about the dangers associated with hot-dog stands.

And what's this? "The owner of the club, who gave his surname as van der Post." Gave his surname? Is there some doubt?

Maybe the reporter misheard. Maybe he actually said Wilbur Post.

WORLD CUPDATE XIV

Part 1: The devil made me do it.

Not you two again. Leave me alone.

Devil: Go on, Tone. Do it.

Angel: No, Tony, you can't. It's cruel.

Devil: Go on. Don't listen to her. Do it! Do it! Do it!

Angel: Be a mensch, Tony. Think if it happened to you.

Devil: What? She's a girl. What does she know? Are you a girl, Toni? You've got a girl's name.

Sook? Me?

WORLD CUPDATE XIII

Part 1: Kick 'em when they're down. Then kick 'em again.

Gibbs, Donald and Rhodes may be white anting Pollock, but there's no way Ricky Ponting was going to pass up this solid gold chance to continue Steve Waugh's policy of Mental Disintegration.

Straight Onto the Front Foot was Rick:

They're very set in their ways and their plans.... very regimented way and style of playing....not working for them that well at the moment....I didn't totally understand how much pressure they were under.

Tactically lacking. Playing badly. Pressure Bunnies.

It's always been the AFL way to not say anything inflammatory lest you give the opposition a leg up. "They're a great team. We just played better on the day." That sort of nonsense.

The Aussie cricketers are an entirely different kettle of bolted horses. They don't care what the public, the media or the opposition think. They're happy doing or saying anything as long as the other teams know the Aussies have got them in their sights.

The Aussie opinion? If you can't handle it you shouldn't be out there. The Windies did the same back in the eighties. Both with their fast bowlers and their swaggering confidence. The Windies operated the same way as the Aussies do now. (But never seemed to attract the same sort of criticism the Aussies attract)

Well, I for one love it! Test cricket's a tough gig and I remember the bad old days. More power to 'em, I say!

As Confederate General, Nathan Bedford Forrest once said; "Keep up the scare!".

WORLD CUPDATE XII

Part 1: A Usual Suspect.

Of course the post below makes the title to Spanky Roebuck's article, Grown-up Gibbs is now key to his team's success look, in part, ridiculous at best.

I know it was probably a sub-editor who plonked that heading on top of the article. And yeeesss, before you all jump me, I know the article was about Gibbs as an opener, but it still included this line; "nowadays Gibbs carries himself well among his peers". I'm pretty well convinced that doesn't mean "whining about the good ole days when you could get a bet on through the captain." That's what Gibbs seems to spend a lot of time doing.

Anyhoo, as regular readers may have noticed, I'm somewhat dubious about Spanky's intentions. I've always suspected that one of the reasons he gets a gig is to provide a counter-point to predominant Aussie opinion. Nothing particularly evil in that. In fact I agree with him often, but I disagree with him more. However, going against the grain for the sake of it smacks of under-grad horse-play, not sound analysis. On second thoughts, he is in the pay of the Fairfaxis of Evil.

Wonder what his response would be if Adam Gilchrist had criticised Ricky Ponting's leadership. Spanky would have been all over it like Flies On Sherbet.

WORLD CUPDATE XI

Part 1: When you're on a good thing.

Pat Symcox wasn't much of a bowler. His right-arm offies only ever turned off the bat. Never thought of him as much of a batsman either, but occasionally he'd connect. However, he didn't chuck and he was a tough competitor.

Now he's a straight-talking commentator, weird exchanges with Navjot Sidhu not withstanding:

PS: "Nav, last time I was in India, I was thinking of becoming a vegetarian."

NS: "That's a very strange thing to say, Pat."

PS: "I've heard you're allowed to eat meat on the weekends?"

NS: "Only if you're Sunny Gavaskar."

Now, it would appear he's a straightforward selector as well. Especially if today's Herald Sun is anything to go by:

If Gibbs doesn't want to play under the current management, then he should get out and find another team to play for. For a man who's been involved in match-fixing, smoking dagga and late-night shenanigans, to criticise his captain in that way is unbelievable. He's the last person who should open his mouth, whatever his private thoughts.

Symcox added he was sick and tired of hearing Gibbs, Jonty Rhodes and Allan Donald dedicate the World Cup to Cronje:

It's time the guys stopped living in the past and concentrated on making a contribution now.

Give 'em hell, Pat!

However, I don't know where Gary Kirsten is when he's not batting, but it ain't at the game:

Personally, I think Shaun Pollock's done a very good job for this team. He came into the job under very trying circumstances when the whole match-fixing scandal broke out and, for the next year-and-a-half, we played probably the best cricket we've ever played.

It's right that he should stand up for his captain. I just don't agree with what he says. Watching Flummo bat on Monday's replay it seemed every time he hit the ball into the outfield it bounced back off the advertising hoardings. Most times I expected a fielder to stroll around and pick it up. Not so! The balls kept going to the boundary. It would seem that Ricky Ponting's observation that, "they are very set in their ways and plans" extends to their field placings too.

Never the less, I'm not prepared to write South Africa off at this stage. They've only got to beat the Windies and in turn The Windies could easily lose to Sri Lanka. In One Day cricket it's easy for a side to turn it around and get on a roll. Just look at last time in England.

WORLD CUPDATE X

Part 1: Odds and Sods

What's with Sarth Efrica?

First Herschelle Gibbs:

"His leadership skills made him the icon that he was," said Gibbs

Yeah! In the same way Robbie Waterhouse is an Icon.

Then Daffy Donald takes us to his Supreme Leader:

The absence of Hansie Cronje's "supreme leadership" is a prime reason for South Africa's World Cup form slide.

Earth to Yarpies: Get over it. The guy was a cheat. And just quietly: an extremely over-rated captain too.

Bollock isn't a good captain but he deserves better. Where've I seen this lately? The ALP perhaps?

Now, in the same way Iraq's handed Labor a chance at recovery, the weather's done the same for Sarth Efrica. Last Night's Washout means the ball's now back in their court. Before last night they had to rely on the Windies, or Sri Lanka to lose. Now, thanks to the Windies result against the Bangers, the Yarpies can advance if they win enough games.

It remains to be seen if they can take their chance.

Part 2: It looks like Shane Warne may be in more hot water than initially thought:

The star leg spinner's explanation was also called into question by revelations that analysis of the positive drug test indicated Warne must have taken more than one banned diuretic tablet.

If this is the case it makes Warne's previous claim that he inadvertently took one pill look tenuous at best. This also makes my claim of "three to six" look tenuous.

And I'm not sure what Dick Pound thinks he's doing. As the head of the WADA he should refuse to comment on due process until the event is settled. Well, maybe a few platitudes, but not some sneering comedy routine. "Poisoned by his mother" or "I got it from the toilet seat, It jumped right up, and...." but I digress. He should know to keep shtum until all the evidence has been heard. And what's this:

Pound warned that a lenient Australian Cricket Board decision would put at risk Australia's reputation as a tough leader in the fight against doping

Get your hand off it, Dick. It's not your job to publicly lobby Australian officials to make an example of anyone. Warne must be judged on the merits of the case when they come in.

WORLD CUPDATE IX

Part 1: Dontcha hate that.

Sarth Effy have lions, crocodiles, leopards, cheetahs, and all manner of nasty, noxious, bighty, slithering and slavering beasties.

So, in looking for an imposing monicker for their international sports sides, what do they do? Something to terrify the opposition? Maybe they thought of:

The Lethal Lions?

The Horrible Hyenas?

The Mother Mauling Spitting and Sledging Mambas?

The Flesh Tearing, People Eating, Baby Chomping, Mighty Meer Kats?

They went for the jugular. Something really vicious. Something really, really, really horrid. Something so scary it caused fat fans to tackle umpires. They called their rugby side the Springboks and their cricket side the Proteas. What is a Protea anyway? No matter.

Whichever way you look at it, they both sound like blouse wearing, tofu eating, camomile drinking, street marching, panty waist beasts of breakfast. They'd be better off calling themselves The Gnu's or The Pink Arsed Gibbons. Just leave The Zebras alone.

That eventually ties me to a point. Of sorts.

Yesterday as I wrote a post I watched a replay of Sunday night's game. I'd tuned in fairly late and then had to go out just as the game ended. (Psst! Have they changed the end of innings runs rule?) When I got down to the pub temperance meeting I kept a sly eye on the telly in the corner. It was there I saw Mark Boucher put down My Boy Flummo.

My first thought was, "How blog-worthy is that?!?". Oddly enough my second thought was, "How blog-worthy's that?!?". However, I didn't blog it! I really am an excedingly hard working and responsible member of Victoria's educational establishment. As such I went home and to bed as soon as I'd indulged in a reasonable number of Grape Juices.

I wanted to be the first blogger to jump all over the Herscelle Gibbs/Mark Boucher connection. Let's face it. Sarfy have a magnificent ability to blow a chance. Something along the lines of, "You just dropped the world cup Bouch" came to mind.

BUT! I was scooped by another Melbourne Blogger! Stole my thunder, they did!

In keeping with my pledge to transform this into a family friendly blog. Bum!

Part 2: The Yarpie attack is crap!

Part 3: Apparently the Protea is a flower. Surprise! Surprise!

WORLD CUPDATE VIII

Part 1: Who would you barrack for?

Although I rate New Z'land an excellent chance of winning the World Cup, I must admit I was surprised when I heard they had beaten Sarth Efrica in last night's game. Then I heard they'd chased a revised Duckyloo target and my mind immediately went back to the Sydney semi-final in 1992 where they needed 22 of 14, which suddenly became 22 off 1 courtesy of a late rain delay. Didn't they squawk then? Wonder if they'll do the same here.

However, any team that can chase a target and end up 1 for 229 off 36.5 overs, as the K1-W1's did, would be a good chance of chasing down a measly, paltry and pathetic 306 off 50.

Anyhoo, it's left us with a priceless situation whereby the Yarpies may miss out on the Super 6 stage. I think they must now rely on other results. Eeeeexxccellent!!

The down side is that NZ are now a good chance to go through and keep their ambush appointment with Australia. I don't think I could handle that! As this noted cricket fan would say, "Ooh the pain!"

The upside is that in the Fantasy World Cup, my boy Flummo made a fine 134. I'm sure regular commenter, Carrot, would approve of that.

On Saturday night Spanky Roebuck interrupted yet another political riff - "Tanks at Heathrow prove England's more dangerous than Zimbabwe." - to predict that England would beat Holland. They did. Of course the Spanker has fond memories there. He's the only England captain ever to lose to Holland.

Part 2: I've just read over at Michael Jennings' joint that Sean Pollock captained down to his usual standard. Agree. The Ginger Ninja may be a good cricketer, but he's a dodgy skipper at best.

WORLD CUPDATE VII

Part 1: Wine. Cheese. Blowers. Blog.

I'm starting to worry. Too often last night I heard the ominous phrase, "looking invincible". Shut up! If Australia keep winning that easy they�re a certainty to get ambushed in the knockout phase. Probably by New Z'land. Where's Dipak Patel?

At least we now know how Operation Sachin works. Knock over the rest for rock-all. Simple. Effective.

India? Appalling! Gangles & Sewag (Shay-Wag?) better start moving their feet and stop flailing at wide ones. Brett Lee sucked Sewag in with a double wide and Gangles seems so intent on sticking it to the Aussies that he keeps taking rank swipes. Once the top order was gone India were never a chance. Harby's eccentric shot selection not withstanding. I received an SMS three overs in that said Tendulks top score 40. Prescient.

Jason Gill'pie is the best fast bowler in the world at the moment. He has been for about a year. He just bowls too well to get batsmen out. Lee and McGrath bowled well and Hogg trapped Harby with a beauty which was neatly captured by the Zoomer. Efrikaans for slow-mo close-up? Just to rub it in (Kumble�s groin also) Darren Lehmann cleaned up the tail. And umpire Da Silva's been to the Morgan Freeman Steve Bucknor Academy of Dramatic Pauses.

The Aussie chase was a doddle. With "Hayden charging like a barrister with a bad gambling habit" and The Defendant Gilchrist retiring out as he hopped down the pitch and kept going. Until he realised Dravid needed two goes at the stumping. What's he doing behind the stumps? (Shake of head) The Indian pacers were never going to worry the Aussies so their only threat, The Turbanator, should have been on earlier. Somewhere round the second over.

I listened to the radio. It's great to hear Henry Blofeld again. "Ooh. There's a helicopter. How exciting. Rather a bulbous one too." He seems to like working with Aussies. He was fabulous years ago with Ray Jordan, "Splendid shot that, Slug old thing." "Bloody oath Blowers." And now he does a great double act with Thommo. In fact Thommo continues to prove what dolts the ABC were to persevere with Neville Oliver, whose suck-radio was so nauseating the Beeb commentators started taking the piss out of him. They obviously approve of Thommo's straightforward approach. Or maybe he still scares them. One complaint though. Turn the effects mikes down! Jesus. Every Indian single seemed like a last ball match winning six.

PS: Aussie fans are better catchers than Yarpie fans.

PPS: There were cows grazing in the carpark.

WORLD CUPDATE VI

Part 1: Look! Oooh! Woww! Ahhh! Crackers.

Received the following corrective E-mail from Bill:

Tony,

Have you got the right day attached to your Cupdate Updates. For instance today should be Day 6 and not Day 5. I wonder if you're forgetting the Opening Ceremony.

Bill

Your point being Bill?

I don't do opening ceremonies. Why? Two reasons.

One, Crackers! Here in Melbourne the opening of a new double-mirrored, metal-plated wine-bar is an excuse for fireworks. They probably had them at Federation Square on Thursday morning. Let's find out from an Intrepid Reporter who was on the spot. No! Whaddaya mean? No!

Down the road from me is Olympic Park. The Melbourne Storm play there and have crackers every second Sunday arvo. That's arvo. Not night. Fireworks in the daytime? What's the point? They'd have them at a vacant OP on away games if they could. They even have them on their website!

Then across the road, not 200 metres from where I type, is the Melbourne Cricket Ground. I'm convinced the only reason The AFL wants to move the Grand Final to Saturday night is so they can have more penny bungers!  It's the lure of the Whizz-gablet and the Zzzing-popper. TV rights don't enter into it.

And Two. Big Events! The Oscars, The Grammies, The Golden Globes, The Logies. Nope! Boring! Not even slightly interested.

And what do you get when you combine Big Events and Fireworks? Yes. You guessed it. Opening Ceremonies. That's what! They're even less interesting than slightly interesting. Never forget the evil banality unleashed on humanity by Rick Birch at the S'Siddey Olympics? World, I give you Nicky Webster.

I'm in it for the cricket, the football, the soccer, the motor racing, the baseball, the tiddlywinks. Well, maybe not the motor racing. A parade of past players and a few team photos on the morning of the first match would do me.

Meanwhile I'll continue to watch SBS re-runs of classic Spaghetti Westerns.

Part 2: Well, sort of.

A prize to anyone who can successfully marry the words cricket and blogger. Crogger? Blicketter? Appalling!

Anyhoo, I'm adding one to the AGB links: London Ozblogger, or is that Aussie Lonblogger, Michael Jennings.

But what's this atop his Blog? "You appear to be viewing this blog from Frankston, Australia. Welcome."

Frankston? Do I look like I've been fighting? I think your Global Blogging Sattelite needs a tweak.

I was living in London when the Aussies won the World Cup in 1987. Work the next night was very satisfying. Apropos to that, Michael must have had great fun at work on Thursday.

Part 3: Saturday night at the Tee Vee.

What with all the wine, beer, ribs, cheese and bickies, errrr, I mean dried fruit, rice crackers and mineral water I've had tonight it's obvious; Cricket Blogging = Clogging. Sounds healthy. Is healthy.

Well. Well. Dear old things - All out for 125.

Gill'pie is a gun. Is he the best fast bowler in the world??

Now that India have been turfed out much earlier than expected I've got a decision to make. The original and best Cat People on ABC or the brilliant gimmick-free One False Move over at Encore.

Why go to Oprah or Maury Povich when our very own help line, Gabbin' With Grog, provides all the answers you're ever likely to need. Answers to significant questions such as this one from Anonymous at Google.

What did Rashid Latif say to Gilchrist?

Well, Anonymous, I think I can help you there. My well-placed sources inform me it was something along the lines of; "See you in court White C***!"

WORLD CUPDATE V

Part 1: The soccer was fun. Meanwhile, back at the cricket.

Important matters. And there's not much bigger matter in Aussie sports journalism, that Patrick Smith. Horse racing excluded, I always read his articles. Sometimes he vents on matters that matter to me, other times he reminds me of the Matter in a certain Camden Town sink: "Don't go in there Withnail! There's matter!".

Patrick's long been a pundit on matters racial and today, inspired by recent events in Sarth Efrica, penned another article On The Matter.

It's been Patrick's position that calling someone "Black" is not the same as calling someone "White" because....

To call a black person a black c . . . is to validate history. A history that shows the systematic persecution of black people around the world. Apartheid, the Ku Klux Klan, slavery. It is horrific and Australian history shows we are no innocents either. To call a white cricketer a white c . . . is to abuse him, but it hardly vilifies him, for there is no context for it to be vilification. On what grounds does Gilchrist feel racially hurt?

Now, while I agree with him that, on balance, past deeds against blacks outstrip those against whites this is not sufficient ground to ignore a racial slur against whites.

Patrick's assertion is that when blacks are racially villified they have good reason to be upset, but when whites are similarly sledged they ought to turn the other cheek and put up with it because the insult holds nowhere near the clout.

It's here I disagree with Patrick�s arrogant stance. And arrogant it is too:

Talkback radio raged yesterday because Latif was ruled innocent of the charge of racially vilifying Gilchrist.Caller after caller argued that if black people are offended by being called black, then white people have every right to feel vilified if they are called white.

It is an interesting barometer of what an apparently large part of the Australian community perceives racism to be. Cleary, a lot of Australians don't have a clue.

In other words: Shut up idiots. Deal with it!

Who's Patrick to dictate how I should feel. If I was upset at being racially sledged and there was a law against it then I should have the same legal redress as a black person.

An aboriginal friend of mine, once told me; "You know, Tone, we got you Gubbos on the run. We can say whatever we like and get away with it. When we call you white cvnts it's a spiteful way of calling you a racist. Even if you're not. And we know it hurts!"

I'm sure there are plenty of other people out there who would feel upset at being sledged like that and it's not up to Patrick to judge whether it hurts any feelings. If they want to go to court they should be comfortable in doing so. Not discouraged by the likes of Patrick and his Thought Police.

WORLD CUPDATE IV

Part 1: Three to six without parole

I'm sick of reading this kind of Nonsense....

SHANE Warne's shattered mum blames herself for the positive drug test that could end her son's career.

Yeah! Right! And I once took a hat-trick at Lords! Those subbies need to go on a hype diet! (Insert cheap shot here: Got any spare pills, Warney?) [Ed: Not bad. Could try harder. 5/10]

Anyhoo, enough already! You heard it hear first. Shane Warne will be penalised somewhere from three to six months.

"Cool your jets, boys."

~~ Milo Bloom

Part 2: Cupdate Update

GP - no, not Gram Parsons, silly - reckons there should be an Official Book Throwing.

WORLD CUPDATE III

Part 1: What's good for the goose.

I was at a sportsman's night a few years back where the after dinner speaker, Mike Whitney, recalling a Game at the WACA, accused the Pakistani wicket-keeper, Saleem Yousuf, of heckling him while at the crease and finally calling him a "white cvnt". At that point Whitney told him to fvck off, but not before the umpire had noted the exchange for further action.

Whitney joked about how, at the subsequent hearing, Yousuf said, through a translator, "I couldn't have. I can't speak English." The protest was dismissed. Then outside the hearing he laughed at Whitney.

Now, as we all know, Darren Lehmann was suspended for calling the Sri Lankan's a bunch of "black cvnts. Pretty tasteless, but he did do it in his own dressing room and was not addressing any player directly. Then when confronted with his misdeed, owned up and apologised.

So, it will be interesting to see what comes of the following exchange from last night's game that occurred between Rashid Latif and Adam Gilchrist. When Rashid was about twenty you could hear him say something to Gilchrist, but it was hard to make it out exactly what he said, although it was clearly some kind of sledge.

What WAS easy to make out though, was when Gilchrist went over to square leg umpire Asoka Da Silva and said "He just called me a white cvnt."

Following Gilchrist's complaint, umpire Da Silva went over to the other umpire, David Shepherd, and said something to him at which point Shepherd pulled a card out of his pocket and wrote something down.

While this was going on you could hear Gilchrist and Rashid chipping away at each other in the back-ground. Ironically the Match Referee was Clive Lloyd.

I wonder if there was any official report made, and if so whether Rashid pleads the Yousuf Defence. I haven't heard anything yet. I'm waiting.

Part 2: Cupdate Update

Just heard via the wireless. He just got pinged. Rash was rash! Now for the lash!

Part 3: You Read It Here First.

A recent report from that hard hitting forum of modern sporting journalism, the AGB Picayune, noted that:

Nice irony that with Sarth Efrica needing eight an over for the last 20 overs, one lost due to a slow over rate would have such an impact. I guarantee that, total idiocy aside, no other side in this World Cup will make the same mistake.

Well, in contributing a segue of astonishing punctuality, those top-shelf combustapsychos, Pakistan, once again imploded. In doing so they proved they are the total idiocy juggernaut of world cricket. After a promising start it was all downhill:

• Rashid Latif gave White Mischief an altogether darker complexion by calling Adam Gilchrist a naughty word. What's more, in keeping with sledging tradition he coupled it with another naughty word that rhymes with sexpletive.


• After Andrew Symonds had intimately acquainted the crowd with the ball, Wacky Younis twice intimately acquainted Andrew Symonds with the same ball. Subsequently David Shepherd intimately acquainted Wacky with a Yellow Card.


• Just to prove my succinctly made point, Pakistan were penalised for a slow over-rate.

Obviously there's some truth to the rumour that as part of their training regimen, they watch this film.

WORLD CUPDATE II

Part 1: Flowers just don't smell nice

Gutsy Stuff from Andy Flower and Henry Olongo regarding the death of democracy in Zimbabwe. Hope they don't run into any problems after the World Cup. Wonder what Nelson Mandela, who believes morals don't matter ANY MORE, thinks about that?

On the more important issue of the Fantasy World Cup, my boy Sanath vindicated his selection in the AGB Gentlemen's XI. Well played lad!

Part 2: Would you trust a doctor who can't spell Trevor?

Just getting in with a cheap shot before we hear the real spin story facts dammit! FACTS!

Can Warney be replaced in the selected squad?

Is he guilty before the "B Test" comes in?

Considering his shoulder, is his absence going to matter?

He recovered VERY quickly after his shoulder injury. Nudge. Nudge. He HAD lost a lot of weight. Wink. Wink. I once saw him in a chemist.

How long before the Sri Lankans accuse the Aussies of going easy on Warne, then linking it to our stance on Chinese swimmers, Muralitharan or genetically modified chicken McNuggets?

Part 3: Kenya's nice this time of year.

Should New Zealand have sent in a spin-laden Sri Lanka?

Did the dodgy pitches in NZ last month mean they over-rated their own firepower?

Will the Kiwi's, now needing the points in Nairobe, imitate Nelson Mandela's movable morals, and visit Kenya after all? Incoming Spin Alert!

And what's this?

"The Sri Lankan off-spinner throws rather than bowls the ball," he wrote.

"I've heard all about how he's had a deformity since birth and is therefore unable to straighten his right arm."

"If that's the case, then that's bad luck for Murali. He's still breaking the laws of cricket and therefore should not be allowed to bowl."

"The reason I'm a little sceptical of the birth deformity story anyway is that I have seen him bowling leg-spinners (when trying to complete an over after being no-balled) and he's bowled them very well."

"It is virtually impossible to bowl leg-spin with a bent arm."

Sense from Ian Smith?!? Truly a big day in cricket!

DAFFY DONALD

"I'm dedicating this World Cup to Hansie."

"What he did for this team will never be forgotten by the players."