AGB Cricket

WHITE WASHOUT

Why have there been so many references to Australia's "clean sweep" against the West Indies? Surely a washout, and the resultant "no result" means that a clean sweep is out of the question:

Deadest of rubbers puts weary series out of misery

Squibs do not come any damper than this desultory affair between a lethargic West Indies outfit and an Australian side desperately trying to retain motivation long enough to complete a clean sweep.

SLING YOUR HOOK

Will Swanton in The Age:

Australia was let off the hook.

The West Indies made 143 at the MCG and 170 at Road SACA. Now, in Sydney, where batting second is notoriously difficult, and on a skittish pitch, this second rate West Indies batting line-up is going to cruise to 226. It's the Windies who was let off the hook.

BOOM. TISHHHHHHH.

8.40 pm No luck yet folks. While you wait, here is something that some one sent me now: "Two polar bears are perched on a block of floating ice. One says to the other: "Do you know, I keep thinking it's Thursday..." 8.53 pm Glenn sends us a chuckle: "joke time? A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the barman says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!". The grasshopper says, "What, Kevin?" Ha! Loverly! And Tony T ... nice try but I have to keep my job!

End of over 1 (6 runs) West Indies 6/0 (220 runs required from 49 overs, RR: 6.00, RRR: 4.48) CH Gayle    0* (6b)      DE Bollinger    1-0-2-0 TM Dowlin    0* (0b)

CB SERIES: WEST INDIES

"We're going to beat them 4-1."

~~ Chris Gayle

Bold words, I applaud his swagger. But he will look like a complete idiot if the Windies win 5-0.

LET'S GET READY TO NURDLE

Tonight, for three nights only, T20, a Tables, Ladders & Chairs Smackdown: Hangover Black v Michael Clarke.

Feb 05, 2010	Pakistan	MCG		(7:35pm)
Feb 21, 2010	West Indies	Bellerive	(6:35pm)
Feb 23, 2010	West Indies	SCG		(6:35pm)

PAPER CNUT AND THE CNUT CASE

I like Paper Cut, especially the way he calls interviewers by name, not the hideous "mate". But his tauntebration of Gayle on Saturday was ridiculous. He looked like a dick, deserved a smack in the mouth, and was let off lightly.

That's enough stacks on the Aussies. If you want to join in the group slam, find somewhere else to bleat. Here, for instance: FNLB - LOL.

Elsewhere, buried within his customarily sumptuous prose, Mohali Mike uncovers the calypso equivocation... sorry, equivalent of "intemperate Sikh warrior" - edgy:

Given so much is correctly made of the spirit of Frank Worrell Trophy competition, it was regrettable Brad Haddin, Mitchell Johnson and Shane Watson so seriously lowered the tone of the match. Whatever role the edgy Sulieman Benn played in last Thursday's unseemly fracas, Haddin's lording over the West Indian spinner with his bat in such a manner was as culturally insensitive as it was daft and provocative. It beggars belief that within a few hours of the negative publicity inevitably attracted by that contretemps, Shane Watson mocked Gayle after taking his wicket.

Since when is waving a bat culturally insensitive? It's a bit rude, but it's a bit rude everywhere. The worst thing about Haddin's bat-waving was that it gave the usual suspects a chance to blame Australia instead of Tallerboy.

Take the bat-waving out of the Benn/Haddin/Johnson fracas and the two Aussies did basically fvck all. Johnson should not have been fined at all, and Haddin probably got his right whack. What's the bet team management told them to accept their fines. Tallerboy got what he deserved, too: he lost the plot. Chuck in his priors and a two match suspension is about right.

All match there was chipping and bad manners - from both sides. The only two stand-out transgressions were Paper Cut's (and Ponting's) tauntebration and Tallerboy's tantrum.

How Mohali sees it otherwise is beyond me. Doubtless his race-radar pinged loud at "white line fever". Nor is it likely the grand poobah of Aussie cricket journalism would ever write "fvcken idiot". But reducing Benn's dummy-spit to "Whatever role the edgy Sulieman Benn played" is naughty. Quite clearly, Tallerboy's got issues, mon.

Even the umpires think he's a nut:

Sorry Suliemann Benn, the umpires don't like you

SULIEMAN BENN has a problem: umpires have had a gutful of him.

I asked a match official what he thought of the clash between the two Australians and Benn on Thursday.

He lowered his eyes, shook his head and, in a wistful tone, said, "Ahhhh, Benn" and twirled his finger in a circle near his ear as if to say, "There's something not quite right there".

THIRD TEST: THE WACA

Crash is on drugs: "a nation still suffering from PWD (post-Warne depression)." Balls! Name me just one person suffering from PWD, just one.

Did anyone see BJ and The Boys on Monday night?. (Mike Hussey, a big AGB fan, actually called it BJ and the Boys.) Mark Waugh mentioned that the bowlers would "appreciate the lively Perth wicket." Now, admittedly this Test will be played on a first-time track which makes it hard to predict what might happen this week, but seriously, where has he been for the last few years? The WACA track has become the dullest in Australia; its current blandness has one pining for days both good and old, when wickets tumbled and matches finished in three days:

ANOTHER lousy pitch, another three-day finish. The players did their best to prolong the contest by sending down nearly 100 no balls and wides in the match, nine of which came in Curtly Ambrose's final over, likely to be the last he will bowl in Australia.

But lump two teams of loping, accurate fast bowlers together on a strip of fractured concrete and an early finish is inevitable, especially with Australia having already won the series.

Naturally it's down to the usual suspects: cricket authorities and official broadcasters (and young people), who have combined to dictate that pitches must, in the sporting parlance, go the distance. Is there any other parlance than sporting parlance?

PS: Injuries have progressed from blight to plague. How long before national sides have "bull pens" instead of eleven players and twelfth men?

CHARACTER ASSASSINATION

You know my opinion on character? Every time someone says "You should meet Joe Bloggs, he's a real character" one person will say "great!" and ten will say "Fvck no." The same thing probably applies to pitches:

A wicket with character . . . about time

It had become lower and slower in recent seasons, continuing the trend of pitches around the world that are losing, or have lost, their character.

SECOND TEST: ADELAIDE OVAL

So, the pathetic Windies were stomped by a dominant Australia at the Gabba. Are the Windies really that bad? Are Australia really that good?

Unlikely.

Several West Indian batsmen donated their wickets to the Australian bowlers. Had Bravo and Chanderpaul, among other culprits, not been so generous, the Aussie bowlers may have struggled to winkle them out. That continues to be the key issue for Aussie cricket since the retirements of Warne and McGrath. Bollocks to your rebuilding phases. Find another Warne - the greatest match-winner in Test history - and you will kick-start another dynasty. Until then we will scrap with SA, India and England for Test supremacy. Sure, we'll win more than we lose, the scrubbers will see to that as they feed our Test averages, but the glory days are done for now. Richie was right: "You won't miss Warne until he's gone."

Nor did the Australian batsmen set the world on fire; the West Indian bowlers regularly induced mistakes. How long has it been since an Aussie made a 200? Was Dizzy the last? The current line-up is steady without being great. Ponting seems less intent on making runs and more intent on making a point. LBWatson is a fine batsman, but can't continue to open if he keeps getting stranded plumb in front. There are as many questions about Clarke's back as there are questions about his relationship with La Bingle. Katich and Hussey are coming to the end. Could it be the North is our most important batsman?

As for the Windies' prospects, over to you Tony Cozier:

Undeserving abuse for Windies

NO ONE is more painfully aware of the rapid disintegration of West Indies cricket than West Indians themselves.

For all that, the abuse and scorn heaped on the team in the Australian press following its defeat in the first Test in Brisbane last week--by an innings and in three days-was undeserving. Much of it was simply beyond the pale.

(Via TCWJ.)

There are obvious flaws in Tony's case - the comparison between Australian cricket in the mid 1980s with West Indian cricket in the 2000s is invalid - but it's refreshing to read a passionate defence of West Indian cricket. The "whimpering exit from the captaincy" was a tasty barb, too.

Anyhoo, Straya aren't all that great, and the West Indies aren't as completely dreadful as Malcolm Conn, Ben Dorries and Kim Hughes make out; although, I suspect they know that, but why let perspective get in the way of a juicy sledge.

FIRST TEST: THE GABBA

Time to revisit November 2007:

DAY ONE

most speculation has centered on our attack, with the emphasis on our ability to replace Warne and McGrath; especially their ability to pinch a wicket when things were starting to dawdle. We all remember Sydney 2004 when the Indians spanked us for 705, and none of us want a repeat. That! was gruesome.

Just last week I hacked the email server at the University of East Anglia’s Bowling Research Unit and discovered that yes, Australian bowling had indeed performed at odds with projected modelling. Chief scientist Andrew Hilditch admitted to me that his claim the Australians performed statistically better than England in the 2009 Ashes was an attempt to hide the decline; contrary to BRU modelling, Australia had, in fact, lost the Ashes.

Would Australia have lost to South Africa in either Perth or Melbourne had Warne & McGrath been playing? Would they have drawn in Cardiff? Of course not. We would have rolled SA (despite the WACA track being a day five road), and in England taken a 1-0 lead and most likely cruised to a series victory.

Not that Australia's loss was a surprise to me:

WIPEOUT AUSTRALIA

I give us a good chance of winning in South Africa.

Even stranger, on the back of that, I can't see us winning in England.

South Africa prepare pitches to suit our style of fast bowling; a bit like we used to prepare pitches for the Windies. England, on the other hand, was always going to prepare pitches to take the edge off our fast bowling, comfortable in the knowledge that slower pitches are no longer going to favour our less-than dynamic spinners.

Where does that leave us at November 2009? Well, about the same place we were in November 2007: struggling to bowl sides out and lucky to be playing a weak side. Will we need Rudi to bail us out against the Windies like he did when he fired Kumar at No.3 in Bellerive? Don't forget we struggled to roll the Windies over there last year, and even benefited from the odd not-home-town decision.

Speaking of Rudi: referrals. Wonder if the electronic umpiring will provide as much fun as it did in South Africa.

GOOD HAIR DAY

Rug Bollinger is in the Test squad at the expense of Stuey Clark. The Rug bowled well without luck in his only Test against SA last summer, and bowled particularly well in the Indian one-day series (yes, I'm aware of the one-day vs. Test discrepancy), so his inclusion not a surprise. Nor is Clark's omission; his absence from the first three Ashes Tests was an indication he's on the selectors' shit-list. Rug seems to have found the penetration and bite that Sarfraz seems to have lost, Headingley's green conditions excluded. Whether Bollinger can push out one of Hilfenhaus, Johnson or Siddle, overcome the accepted wisdom that you don't pick two lefty quicks, even though it worked in Sydney, and avoid 12th man duty will be settled at a later date. That's assuming Hauritz keeps his spot; personally, I'm back on the Nyce Bryce McGain bandwagon.

Bollinger picked for first Test

NSW fast bowler Doug Bollinger has been named in the Australian team to face the West Indies in the first Test starting in Brisbane next Thursday.

Bollinger's selection has come at the expense of fellow Blues paceman Stuart Clark who played in the final Ashes Test at the Oval in August.

Ricky Ponting, Michael Clarke, Doug Bollinger, Brad Haddin, Nathan Hauritz, Ben Hilfenhaus, Phillip Hughes, Michael Hussey, Mitchell Johnson, Simon Katich, Marcus North, Peter Siddle, Shane Watson.

Hussey, despite weeks of brow-furrowing deliberation by pundits and undits alike, keeps his spot courtesy of a ton in his last Test and a pile of runs in the, ahem, one-dayers. The Indomitable Paper Cut of Steel looks set to stay at the top of the order... is what I would have written had I not just spotted Our Don Hughes name on the list.

Lee's nowhere, despite his ability to talk a good game.