AGB Cricket

A USUAL SUSPECT

Surprised, and not surprised:

Botha reported for suspect action

South African offspinner Johan Botha has been reported for a suspected illegal bowling action by match officials after the fourth ODI against Australia in Port Elizabeth. Botha will undergo a bio-mechanical assessment of his action, but is eligible to play international cricket at the discretion of Cricket South Africa (CSA) while the test results are pending.

When I wrote this:

CB BI SERIES

Tell ya something for nothing. Botha's action is not a whole lot better than it was in 2006. Maybe it's just when he's "bowling" a toppy.

... back on January 16, the belligerent among you might have pointed to sour grapes since Botha had been such a key member of the SA attack which demolished Australia in the CB Series.

But there wouldn't have been too many belligerents, would there? The ensuing weeks would have quashed any doubt. What with the google searches, jeers from the crowds, talk-back radio callers, everyone could see Botha was chucking. The Channel Nine commentators were embarrassed into silence and/or sly barbs. Even Spanky Roebuck referred to Botha's "curious off-break". Pity Spanky is not so observant when it comes to a certain other wicket thief.

Such was Botha's impact as a middle overs stopper with the ball, late order hitter with the bat and more than capable captain, he was mooted as the player of the series.

Putting aside the captaincy and batting, why was he such an effective bowler? He cheated.

And he'll be back:

CHUCKEN MAN

[O]n the rare occasions the bowler is cited, they need only stroll off to the bowling doctors, go through the motions under 15 degrees in the lab, and receive the rubber stamp that will allow them "bowl" again.

And do you think there's a chance in Hades Hot Bread Kitchens Botha will be cited, after he played a significant role in the Vark's win over Straya? Not on your life.

Come on, Mr Official, do your job properly and prove me wrong.

Happy to be proved wrong.

Even happier if the ICC someday grows the balls to wipe out off-spin cheating and all its mentions in the record books.

STRIKE THEM ROUGHLY, CENTURION

Win toss: tick. Bat first... at ten o'clock in the morning against the white ball: cross.

Straya: 6/40.

THIRD TEST: LAMBS TO THE LAUGHTER

So, two Tests down and under-experienced, under-dog Australia have played sensational, old-style, hard-nosed cricket to take an unassailable 2-0 lead. Over-rated, over-dog South Africa have played soft-cock, dumb-head, atrocious cricket and, just like all sides who get flogged via an upset, are shit-storming behind the scenes. (Given that Australia were in front for most of the Perth Test, half of the Melbourne Test and just about all of the Sydney, Joburg and Durban Tests, you could make a fair case that South Africa have been shit-storming for some time. There must be something wrong.) Tonight, just like boarding school, we get to tuck into the dead rubber... which means tradition says we'll lose, which is a pity, because 4-2 sounds a whole lot better than 3-3. Maybe it will come down to the toss, which would appear to be the most important thing in deciding a Test match. Assuming Kallis is still captain tonight, will he pitch a fit should Ponting win the toss again, especially with the Cape Town track reputed to be a late turner.

Let's look at the predictions.

Russ: "Logic says SA are a good chance, statistically speaking." RT: "Grim. Go, the Dees." Monty: "Spanked like red-headed step children." The Mongrel: "Woof." Sid Vicious: "Click my sig." Hangover: "No chance, but this site is better than The Australian." Bruce: "After I wrote the Cats were home last year, I've given up predicting." Prof Ross: "SA pun-nil." Nick: "I hate South Africans." Skeptical Lawyer: "The Master of Brasenose College, the esteemed Professor Roger Cashmore, CMG, MA, DPhil, FRS, told me confidentially: 'Get the fvck on the Varks'." Adsy: "Ross Lyon could do worse than consult Jeremy Snape." Pat: "Schtum." Dave Barry: "Exp [SUM wi log(Ri)\SUM wi] says we'll get pumped." Our Don: "DOOOOMED!" Biggy: "Get a dog up you, Sizzle Chest." TT: Australia will be 2-0 up after the first two Tests. Gag on it, Sorth Efrica. Enjoy the dead rubber."

OUR PHIL HUGHES

So, I asked SMH cricket writer Will Swanton what he thought of his paper's coverage of Phil Hughes: "Okay, this is becomig absurd."

SECOND TEST: LONG IN THE YOOTH

Do you, like me, find it ironic that although Australia have a reasonably old side, we also have a reasonably inexperienced side? At least for Test cricket. As Monty says "30 is the new 20" and even the young guys are old. Except for Hughes - 10 years old is young.

Not unexpectedly, this has lead to blood-doped levels of enhanced speculation regarding our current prospects in Sorth Efrica. "Test of stamina for new Aussie faces" is the current headline at Crooky. For me, though, watching Straya strut their stuff in Joburg without Symonds, Hayden and Watson millstoning expectations was immensely enjoyable. The win didn't hurt, either. Just about the most pleasing aspect from the Joburg Test was watching Straya starting to come to terms with playing hard-grind Test cricket, not millionaire cricket. That was always going to be the big challenge in the post-superstar years. Forget all this talk of "rebuilding", the big issue... ahem, going forward was always going to be learning how to play without Warne and McGrath. Even if we stumble in Durban and Cape Town, it is a relief to know that we seem to be heading in the right direction.

Not that there aren't many questions to be answered in Durban.

The recurring one leading into the Second Test is whether Australia are about run out of fast bowlers. They may be, but a group comprising Siddle, Johnson, McGain, McDonald, Hilfenhaus and McGoffin, while not olde-time Windies-like, is not dreadful, especially if the conditions suit (OK, that goes for most sides).

Can Australia maintain their intensity two Tests on the trot? Probably, but can they also maintain their discipline? Will Ponting win the toss again? Does that matter? It was certainly key to the victories in Sydney and Joburg where batting last is traditionally difficult. Can Hussey get a score? Have the Varks worked out Katich? Will Smith gift Ponting another massive let-off? Can North make another score while regularly slicing in the air through and over gully and point? What's the Durban pitch up to? It's no coincidence Australia have won the last two Tests on lively pitches. India know how to neuter Australia, just as the Windies have neutered England: serve up dull roads. With pitches in mind: do Australia need a spinner? Will the Vark bowling be as bad in Durban as it was in Joburg? How significant was the absence of Fat Jack during the Australian first innings? Was the Australian collapse in the Joburg second innings a portent of things to come? Is Hughes scared of chin music, or just awkward? Same for The Duminator? What's Wilbur Smith's middle name? Will Hot Spot help or hinder the referral system? It should do the former... in theory. I've really enjoyed the controversy surrounding the referral system, but the thing that bites me hardest is the knowledge that when a decision is made, there is a chance that it will be over-turned. Take the AB LB on Monday. He's given out, he looks out, but as soon as he appeals you get hit with nagging doubts about whether he is going to be reprieved. To me that's the biggest problem with the system, apart from the howlers, you must sit through several minutes of uncomfortable speculation, no matter how out or not out the batsman appears.

REFER MADNESS

FIRST TEST: TOP RANK OUTSIDERS

For three of the last four series, this one included, Australia have started as underdog (according to me) despite being the number one ranked Test side. By winning in Sydney, the Baggy Greens defied gravity to keep a fingernail on first place, but if you tip based on form, you would expect South Africa to take over as No. 1 sometime in the next three Test matches.

Certainly, a hand-over has been on the cards since January 2007, but although the South Africans would be loathe to admit it, they must be very disappointed they had to wait for our great players to retire before they were capable of beating us.

I mean, surely their muted response upon winning the Australian leg of the current series is an indication they aren't getting carried with beating what amounts to a patched-up side, riddled with injuries and blooding youngsters.

Had they been No.1 for a while now, they might have been tempted to strut their stuff, secure in the knowledge they could take on and defeat all comers. But in the back of their minds they probably know that if they lose this series... no, they won't be entertaining any of those thoughts. Will they? The ready-to-rock South Africa upset by a severely depleted Australia. All it takes is the odd injury. We saw what happened when Smith missed Sydney; what if Steyn does a hammy in the first session tonight... hell of a time to lose your best player.

I OBJECTIVE!

Tonight's T20 at the SCG suffered from the usual lack of objectivity. Tubbs: "Looks at McCullum's speed." as he chased, with no great speed, a ball to mid-wicket, slid, and fumbled. The Dick: "Great athleticism from Haddin," as he jumped, but got nowhere near a snicked bouncer. Slatts: "Look at Hilfy! Don't ya think he's aware of the pressure," as he tried to get something out of his eye. JB: "Never seen anything like it in me life," as Voges pulled in a clever catch on the boundary. Surely he has seen Travis Bichel's catch. But lack of objectivity and T20 go together like shit and blankets. It's been the general lack of objectivity all summer long that has gotten right up my hooter.

Since the two Tests against NZ in November CricAussie and its media minions have pounded us with a relentless barrage of hyperbole, most of it seemingly intended to reassure us - those of us who haven't overdosed on KFC and Suisse vitamins, that is -  that everything is going according to plan. Cam Noakes neatly captured the spirit of the season in Friday's Age:

You can confidently say we don't really have a plan

REMEMBER Australia A? They were the days, weren't they? Hey … this is just between you and me, OK? Don't tell anyone and don't tell the Kiwis but did you hear — our confidence is back?

Of course, that was written before Friday night's TwentyTwo22 when Australia suffered the indignity of being bailed out by the weather. Muse on that for a moment: we get to hang onto the esteemed and storied Chadlee courtesy of a rain ruined and reduced Fifty50 against New Zealand. Ohh, the humanity. I wonder: how did Geoff Lawson re-position his doom-and-glooming in the light of Friday's result?

Meanwhile, Richard Hinds (very much in form lately) sheds a sensible light on how the media sees the public:

Front-running fans hightail it when chips down

NEAR the start of this long and now fading cricket season, as the first cracks in the Australian team became evident, a usually astute observer of sport wrote that the public had continued to attend matches in record numbers despite their team's dominance making so many recent series predictable and one-sided.

It's not just the astute observers who have made a cock-up of this season's cricket, the numb-skulls have had a field day with absurd commentary and punditure.

Take Mitchell Johnson. Again. Sorry. His five-for spell at the end of day two in Perth was exhilarating, but it skewed the judgment - such as it is - of a heap of experts. Studs has been mediocre since the First Test against SA, the main highlight being a zinger to win the Sydney Test. Since his holiday during the first two one-dayers against SA, he has been rancid. SA sat on him after Perth and once they worked out how not to get out to his SGW, they looked comfortable. Naturally, this didn't stop the commentators from consistently referring to his "brilliant summer" and words to that effect. Johnson could well become a great bowler, but he will need bowlers to pinch wickets at the other end. If it's left to him, he, and we, will struggle.

David Warner.

Were I to over-rate Twenty20, I would probably have payed more that a cursory attention to tonight's match, but instead, I only watched it during the boring bits of I Am Legend. As it turned out, I saw quite a bit of cricket. During one particular boring bit I was stunned to hear that Adam Gilchrist's Big Moment of the summer was Brad Haddin's 100 against the Kiwis in Adelaide, or as Gilly termed it: "the coming of Brad Haddin". If by "coming" he means fives, aerial gloves, drops, byes and charity wickets, he is spot on. Haddin can bat a bit, but.

The big over-rating of the summer was Graeme Smith. It's nothing to do with his previous reputation, I have no residual animosity eating away at me. Smith had a fine summer, batting, catching, captaining and media-ing with aplomb. In fact, I'd even go so far as to say I quite like him. But only quite. No, Smith's big overratement of the summer was his broken handed innings in Sydney. Come on, people! Barring a English-style collapse in the first session, Smith was always coming out. Why, in these circs, do experts always fall over themselves to laud the moment? So, he had a sore hand. Diddums. What was he going to do? Sit in the rooms? "Borley Chorley! My hand's too sore." Get stuffed. If McKosker could come out with a broken jaw and no helmet, Smith was certainly capable of trotting out for half an hour with a sore hand. Especially when the alternative was returning to SA with his courage in question because he allowed Straya to win a Test match by protecting his own hand. Don't kid yourself that even though SA had won the series someone wouldn't have had a pop at Smith if he pulled a sickie.

And if you reckon that's harsh, count yourself lucky I didn't insert a white-trash pop song between each sentence.

A BROKEN BOTTLE IN MY HAND

My friend Slade calls it "piss and bad manners". Whenever blokes get fighty - and let's face it, Clarke has a stupid tattoo, so who wouldn't want to punch him in the face - you know there's booze involved:

Simon Katich grabs Michael Clarke by throat over team song

AUSTRALIAN cricket plunged deeper into crisis with the revelation that vice-captain Michael Clarke and Simon Katich were embroiled in a physical altercation in the SCG dressingrooms after the Sydney Test last month.

Confession: Every time I hear an Aussie cricketer exult in hallowed tones about The Song, I cringe. Just like I do when I read stupid exaggerations like "plunged deeper into crisis."

Once upon a rendition, when David Boon (I think) led "the singing of The Song" after we won the Ashes in 1989, it was a spontaneous celebration. Not any more. Now, like AFL teams singing the club song for the TV cameras, it's a job. Like official autograph signings, press conferences, memorabilia... corporatism. There's even a Custodian Of The Song. Get stuffed.

SQUADLY DODDLY

The Squad, it is in:

Hughes called up for Test tour

• Ricky Ponting (capt)
• Michael Clarke
• Phillip Hughes
• Simon Katich
• Michael Hussey
• Andrew McDonald
• Brad Haddin (wk)
• Mitchell Johnson
• Peter Siddle
• Doug Bollinger
• Bryce McGain
• Ben Hilfenhaus
• Nathan Hauritz
• Marcus North.

CB BI PERTH

It's tempting to write that I don't care about the one-dayers, especially dead rubber one-dayers, but it would be a lie. As a Cricket Pathetic I can't help but think about them.

Admit it: you do, too.

CB BI ADELAIDE

2/82.

None of the Nine team have yet referred to "beautiful Adelaide" but to make up for that ClicheInfo's current headline is Ponting and Hussey drive Australia which is, give or take a name, the 352nd time they have used it this summer. No mean feat in around ten matches.

2/95.

CB BI SCG

Game 3.

Australia should have won Game 1, but were Alby Mangled in the power play.

SA should have won Game 2, but used their 2003 World Cup run-rate calculator. In a less charitable era, on a less charitable blog, you might find accusations of malfeasance vis-a-vis the punt, but not here.

The Duminator is claiming all the pressure is on Straya, the Pontinator is claiming all the pressure is on SA, the Mickey-A-inator is claiming all the pressure is on Dave Warner.

"Pressure does funny things to people." You may have heard that once, or twice.

Victorians White and Hussey Minor will both star because they did not play against Queensland in the Big Slather & Whack preliminary final. Meanwhile, new New South Waler Brendan McCullum looks set for his first Baggy Green.

One-One going in to Game 3 and Straya will be bolstered by having Stud Johnson, who made his name in white ball cricket, replace The Hilf, who hasn't.

One thing is certain: It's the SCG, so whoever bats first will win.

CB BI BELLERIVE

As Pat said: Warner flopped again. Beaten by Clubber Steyn. Straya currently 5/215. Slow pitch. SA to win easily.

6/218.

Bill Lawry: "Come on, Stwaya, get stuck in!"

50 Overs: 9/249.

Is it possible that Healy, Lawry and Brayshaw have no idea whatsoever about variety? About changed lines, angles, lengths and pace? Have they, as capable cricketers, forgotten how hard it used to be to get into rhythm against bowling that wasn't always landing in the same spot, at the same pace like it has against many of Straya's unimaginative, one-dimensional opponents over recent years? Have they forgotten last summer? (Like I had forgotten Bellerive doesn't have day-night matches.) India used excellent variety to win the Last Tri Series finals.

Simply put: they have forgotten cricket is a game of two sides. The caper is not just a bloke with a rocket-fueled bat tonking pies straight out of a bowling machine. If the bowling side tries something different (line, length, angle, pace, dedicated fields), the batsmen are not able to swing through the line at will, scoring at liesure. Have they ever heard the phrase "play each ball on its merits"? They need look no further than Dave Warner, the Matraville Mauler. SA were not about to allow the soon-to-be rechristened Hillsdale Hack to swing from the hip.

More power to the bowlers.

CB BI SERIES

I'm already missing the B&H CUB CB Tri Series: England v. Sri Lanka at Bellerive; Pakistan v. New Zealand at the Gabba; Zimbabwe v. India at the Waca - the good old days.

OVERTURE

CURTAINS?

That's All Folks

There is no sadder site in cricket than a former colossus of the game, struggling for form, no longer able to achieve the incredible standards he's previously set himself.

LIGHTS

Laser use 'just not cricket'

Cricket Australia has apologised to the South African team after a laser light was flashed at a fielder during last night's Twenty20 match at the Gabba.

Belated Update! The post make marginally more sense with the pictures correctly installed.

TWENTY TWENTY TWENTY

Sports voice, Jim Wilson, was on 3AW the other day. "Shane Warne has been a revelation in the Nine commentary box this summer," raved Jimbo, who has never thought a big idea that he can't turn into a bigger statement. Precisely what, exactly, Jim based his assessment on is anyone's guess. What Russ wrote during the Second Test...

Warne comes in and says "he looked really good", yet, if Warne was bowling and a batsman was hitting everything in the air on the off-side, he'd be very confident of getting him out. It's just bizarre.

... is a pretty fair example of the gear tendered by Shane during the summer: the obvious, the wrong, the pat on the back of a mate. Chuck in assorted jokes at the expense of the other commentators, and that's pretty much all she wrote, or in this case, all he said. In short: he fit right in.

Nevertheless.

In today's paper Herald Sun - if you want the full gist of a point, ask which one, and I'll put it in the comments - Shane makes an interesting list of twenty key T20 tactics:

1. Wickets in the first six overs.
2. Bowling to a plan.
3. First and last balls of every over.
4. If bowling is your strength - bowl.
5. Take you key bowlers off if the don't get a wicket in the first over.
6. Don't get slow batsmen out.
7. Bowl bouncers instead of full tosses.
8. Best fielders in the deep.
9. Never bowl the same ball twice in an over.
10. 150 runs is par.
11. Aim for 60 runs in the first six overs.
12. But, don't go too hard, too early.
13. Ignore strike rates, focus on individual balls.
14. Don't premeditate shots.
15. Keep a pinch hitter up your sleeve.
16. Pick the perfect make-up for T20 side. "I don't know what it is yet, but I'll get back to you."
17. Target opposition bowlers.
18. Think on your feet.
19. Every fielder must pay close attention to the captain.
20. Three second chill. Whenever you feel rushed, buy time. "Ask how many balls are left."

Will we see any of that tonight?

THIRD TEST: DUD RUBBER

For the first time in twenty years Straya are on the arse end of festive dead rubber. Not since the Windies in 1989 have we entered the Sydney Test already out of a series. Tradition says we should win, but we are playing so badly - without confidence, seemingly disorganised, selectors all over the place, etc, et al, and the rest - that it's hard to see the Varks letting us in for a face-saving win, or even a draw.

Reading Adsy's comment below, I rather like the Hilf/Bolly option with Siddle out for a rest. The McDonald selection is stupid. Just because we lost a so-called all-rounder doesn't mean we have to pick another so-called all-rounder. Why not go with North? He is good enough to make the side as a batsman, and he is also the best performed spinner in the country. We need six batsmen, too. Chuck in four bowlers and tell Haddin to stop slogging at wide ones; just watch the Varks tempt him with juicy, full, wide sucker balls.

Anyway... given that I'm not massively upset we have lost the series, and am much more upset at the way we've lost (read Russ), it's tempting to hope we get flogged in Sydney so the selectors and Flatty get the flick, and that a new outfit ambushes South Africa in South Africa in March and the already cocky Poms in mid year.

SECOND TEST: HEY HEY WE'RE THE DONKEYS

Panic, crisis, upheaval, losers, Ponting can't captain, Flatty's a hack, Lee's a scrubber, Roy's a pisshead, Warnie's doing the anthem, we're gone.

Or not.

******

DONKEY SEE, DONKEY DO #

Panic, crisis, upheaval, losers, Ponting can't captain, Flatty's a hack, Lee's a scrubber, Roy's a pisshead, Warnie's doing the anthem, we're gone.

Or not.

******

MISTER SITTER #

The director's cut.

FIRST TEST: THE AARDER THEY COME

Can the earth pigs get the monkeys off their back? This afternoon, the wanton speculation ends.

This morning...

Australia are on the slide after years of dominating world cricket; South Africa haven't been beaten in nine series.

We are off speed; they are on song.

We lack Warne, McGrath and Clark; they have Morkel, Ntini, Steyn, Fat Jack Kallis and Ashley Giles.

Had the series been in South Africa, you'd be mad not to get on the hosts.

But.

Australia haven't lost in Australia since 1993.

Since rejoining world cricket, SA have not beaten Australia

(Excluding, of course, that rousing victory in the Commonwealth Games.)

SA have suffered dreadfully under the weight of their own expectations. They have had a mental block against us. Try too hard. Get too wound up. Want to win too bad. Choke.

Away from the mental aspects - and anyway, SA are more relaxed this time, or so they keep chanting - our raw numbers stack up okay. SA might have have done well in recent series, but we have lost only one series since 2005; two since 2001; only three this century.

Nor was our most recent loss as dreadful as a 0-2 scoreline appears on the surface. India are a good side. (Well, better than England.) We almost always struggle in India. Our bowling attack was spectacularly unsuited to Indian conditions. Our batting was only fair to middling. And yet, despite being outplayed for most of the series, we were still in it up until the second last evening. Australia are hard to beat.

Superficial examination of the SA numbers can also be misleading. Steyn's 60 wickets, nine series without a loss and a run glut for the top six says they are on a roll. But they got fat feasting on prime minnow.

That said, we are not as good as we were in 2006; they are better than they were in 2006. Those six matches were misleading, too. We won 5-0, but we weren't 5-0 better, we just won the big moments. SA played some good cricket, but couldn't capitalise when it mattered.

They can now.

Straya's inexperienced attack, now without Clark who sliced SA in 2006, will struggle to get them out. Or am I under-rating Lee, Johnson (possibly the key bowler), Siddle, Krazy and Roy's medium pace? SA's bowling is 100% better. Or am I over-rating Steyn, Ntini, Morkel, Kallis and Giles? Much was made of the effect Lee's poor bowling had on Australia's attack against India, but if either Steyn or Morkel have a shocker, the SA attack will be similarly neutered. (Good point.)

Just a thought. SA put a lot of work into countering Clark.They would have noticed that although he was still accurate, he was slightly slower than when he ambushed them in 2006. With Duncan Fletcher on board, I suspect their "work" was code for "going after" Clark, who was not going to surprise them this time. Could it be that suddenly losing Clark is a bonus for Australia? Maybe. But if Siddle can keep it reasonably tight, or if he can't, can pick off a few wickets, you never know.

Then there's the Perth pitch. Will the much hyped "old WACA" track we keep being promised once again be a monumental let-down?

Think of the 1997 Melbourne Cup: Doriemus coming home fast, desperately trying to reel in Might & Power, but falling a nostril short. If you can't remember that far back, think of this year's Cup. Straya have been out in front, but they are starting to falter as SA come home hard, threatening to swamp us. Can they reel us in, or will they fall short?

SA must see this as their big chance. Win here, while Australia are weakened, or face the prospect of playing a rebulit Australia in three years.

Two things:

• Australia will need luck to win.
• SA will have blown it if they lose.

DOUBT OF AFRICA

A selection of Aussie pundits investigate the idea that Sorth Efrica are about to pinch the No.1 ranking:

Brendan McArdle

Proteas: genuine threat or flattering to deceive?

THE Kiwis have been thoroughly disposed of, some of the memories of India have been erased, and now all thoughts turn to the South Africans. Have the Australians consolidated, or are we being misled by weak opposition?

It was always going to be a slow build-up this summer: the New Zealand Tests were a trial run for the main event, the spark needed to be rekindled for our bowlers, and some batting positions had to be worked out. But the great unknown is the strength of South Africa.

Chloe Saltau

Forget the talk, walk the walk

AUSTRALIAN players will seek to reopen old mental wounds against South Africa, according to coach Tim Nielsen, who has drawn attention to the Proteas' poor record in this country in challenging them to match their bold pre-tour statements with actions this summer.

Jonny Pierik

Australian coach Tim Nielsen cold on cheap talk

AUSTRALIAN coach Tim Nielsen lobbed a verbal hand grenade into the South African camp yesterday.

Peter Lalor

You are not too good for us: Tim Nielsen

Australia coach Tim Nielsen is not impressed by the chatter and suggested his outfit has a "mental hold" over the opposition which, he says, needs to start winning to back up its words.