AGB Cricket

MOZZAD

Didn't see much of the cricket last night. Working hard, don'tcha know - as hard as Chinese algebra. Instead I listened to it on the wahhless, flicking between 774 and SEN, then arriving home just as Brett Lee smote that shocker from Dicky Knee for the winning runs. Yay us. We rock.

But - BUT! Had we lost we could have blamed the Jews:

"This is going to be a horrible loss for South Africa. A massive embarrassment."

~~ Ian Cohen on SEN with Straya needing 7 to win.

Sheer madness, I know. My furious bawling at the radio caused the guy in the next car to give me a wary look. Obviously Cohen is either a fraud who knows nothing about cricket, or a plant working for South Africa.

PS: The papers are full of redemption for Lee and Kaspro. But does this win make up for the Ashes? Does it fuck! That's like suggesting a football match in round one constitutes a Grand Final replay. Edgbaston vs. Joburg is no contest.

GET JUICY FRUITED!

Chewy on ya boot, anyone? Unsavoury scenes at the cricket last night. As the players were coming off the ground at tea, Graeme Smith threw his chewing gum at Ricky Ponting's feet. Then, tit for tat, Shane Warne threw his own gum at Smith's feet. I know, I didn't believe it either, but it happened. Oink! Surely chucking chewy at each other is worse than calling each other names. As Tony Greig said just the previous night "spitting is disgusting and chewing gum's not much better." Here Smith and Warne combined both. Yet despite what seems to me like the rank act of a couple of nasty brats, I haven't heard any more about it. I went to bed straight after it happened and nothing googles up from today's papers.

Brats? I'm sorry, I meant brat, singular. Graeme Smith is a juvenile, dobbing nob. Warne, on the other hand ... well, highly rated sports pundit Daffy Duck puts it best "He's one of OUR boys!"

FIX TRICKS

Fixing a hole where the Shane gets in.

ROUT OF AFRICA

The only cricket score I heard last night was Australia 1 for 15, so this morning when I jumped in my car, I flicked on the radio for an update. Happily there was no ad break like there usually is when I turn on a radio, instead Liam Pickering was talking to Crash Craddock about a match that had Australia five down with the nightwatchman out. Pretty good, I thought, that's really four down, with Shameless, Sideshow and Gilly still in the frame. Then Pickers said something that nearly had me driving off the road. "Clark didn't move it around much last night." Huh? Had both sides been routed? Were they playing on a beach? Had South Africa completely wussed it and decided to turn the match into a lottery, watering the pitch into a soggy mud-puddle? Or had the rules suddenly been changed? Was it tippety run? Six and out? One hand, one bounce? What? The? Fuck? Then, as always seems to be the bastard way with these matters, the interview ended without the score being given and I had to wait until I got home.

There I was relieved to hear the real score - Australia 5 for 230 odd, with Ponting notching yet another ton. Semi-relieved, anyway. 5 for is good, but 5 for 230 is only fair, despite the pitch playing up. With the chance it may flatten out South Efrica could be looking at a tidy lead unless Australia's recently fragile middle order can put a few runs together tonight.

Evenly poised, as they say.

Going all big-picture on yo ass, while ignoring the current state of play, 5 for 230  represents something else in the overall scheme of things - proper Test cricket. Many would say we'd be better off were every test a tight, tense tussle. I would not be one of them. You know why? Well, because too often we manage to lose the tight ones. Squeakers are infinitely more enjoyable when there's an expectation you might win the odd one. But we don't - we lose them, which makes watching them a nightmare. Evenly poised can get fucked!

It remains to be seen what the fuck Liam Pickering was talking about.

STEWLANDS

1) Glenn McWho?

2) Boucher: If there's been a plumber LBW given not out in the history of Tests, I ain't seen it. Excluding Pakistan, that is.

3) Yarpie commentators just don't understand the finer points of mozzing.

4) "SHOT! ... but out." ~~ Robin Jackman's been listening to you know who.

5) All Test cricket should be played on difficult pitches.

6) It's a dilemma, I tell ya! Rolling the Yarps in three days short-circuits the pressure. I get more sleep and don't tool through the day worrying about what might happen that night. But at the same time, I'm deprived of two day's worth of test cricket.

7) If you think six is pathetic, try being a cricket fan. It's an ordeal every bit as painful as fretting over whether Liberal or Labor are fucking up the country. Moreso. At least cricket matters.

SUFFER IN YOUR BOKS

Yep, it sure is a fine thing to flog Sorth Efrica, especially when they take it so poorly. Is Edward Craig South African? At CricInfo he turned himself inside-out grumbling that South Africa's loss had virtually nothing to do with Australia, and everything to do with luck and/or circumstances.

Not grumbling is News' Ben Dorries (Where's Crash?) who seems to have enjoyed the win. Mysteriously, though, you need to read both The Addy and The Hun to appreciate the full array of Dorries' jibes, adjectivally speaking.

The Addy:

South Africa in spin, it seams

AUSTRALIAN captain Ricky Ponting believes foolhardy South Africa has shot itself in the foot by ordering local curators to prepare seaming wickets.

After Australia nailed a crushing first Test win within three days, Ponting claimed South Africa had outfoxed itself before a ball was bowled and was now trapped in a private hell.

The Proteas spent the lead-up to the Test complaining that the Cape Town wicket would favour spin, saying they feared the dual spin threats of Shane Warne and Stuart MacGill.

Privately they were putting pressure on local curator Christo Erasmus to prepare a lively pitch which they hoped would suit their own seamers and negate Australia's legspinners. The plan, which may have included some 11th-hour pitch watering, backfired when Australia discovered the ruse and omitted MacGill in favour of a three-man pace attack. The pitch had the devil in it and rookie Australian seamer Stuart Clark outgunned South Africa's attack by taking match figures of 9/89, the third-best bowling by an Australian on debut.

"Reading between the lines now, some of the things that they had to say leading into the game were real rubbish, about it looking like it was going to be a spinning wicket," Ponting said.

"I think when we got down here on the morning of the game it was pretty apparent it was going to be a seamers wicket, hence the makeup of our side.

"I don't know why they would have requested that anyway. We've got a pretty good seam attack and they probably had an allrounder as their first-change bowler.

"I'm not sure what was going on, but . . . we certainly handled the conditions a lot better than they did."

The Hun:

Not what it seams

Australian captain Ricky Ponting believes South Africa has shot itself in the foot by ordering curators to prepare seaming wickets for the home test series.

After Australia sealed a crushing win withing three days, Ponting claimed that South Africa had out-foxed itself before a ball was bowled and was now trapped in a private hell.

The Proteas spent the lead-up to the Test complaining that the Cape Town wicket would favour spin, saying they feared the threat of Shane Warne and Stuart MacGill.

Privately, they were putting pressure on local curator Christo Erasmus to prepare a lively pitch that they hoped would suit their seamers and negate Australia's leg-spinners.

The plan, which may have included some 11th-hour pitch watering, backfired hopelessly when Australia discovered the ruse and omitted MacGill in favour of a three-man pace attack.

The pitch had the devil in it and rookie Australian seamer Stuart Clark outgunned South Africa's attack with match figures of 9-89, the third-best by an Australian on debut.

"Reading between the lines now, some of the things they had to say leading into the game were real rubbish ... about it looking like it was going to be a spinning wicket," Ponting said.

"I think when we got down here on the morning of the game it was pretty apparent it was going to be a seamers' wicket, hence the makeup of our side."

"I don't know why they would have requested that anyway, I mean we've got a pretty good seam attack and the probably had an all-rounder as their first change bowler."

"I'm not sure what was going on, but all I can say is that we certainly handled the conditions a lot better than they have."

In another article, this time online, Dorries further sticks the boots in.

Australia pass the real Test

WORLD order has been restored. Since Australia arrived at Johannesburg International Airport a month ago, it encouraged the doomsayers with some dicey performances in the one-day circus.

But all the talk of Australia going down the gurgler now counts for absolutely nothing.

In the one game that truly mattered, Ricky Ponting and his men stood up to be counted.

South Africa folded without so much as a whimper.

If anything, the Proteas have gone backwards in the Test format since arriving in Australia last December.

Dorries sure is confident. Not me. You can't read too much into the result. Although we won comfortably it doesn't look as if our middle order problems have been solved and it remains to be seen whether Stuart Clark can take a bag in either of the next two tests.

Also in the Hun is a short piece about Hayden's refusal to walk when "caught" by Andrew Hall. Is Dorries playing fast and loose?

Umpires caught out

Replays confirmed Hall had taken a clean catch in an incident that riled the South Africans.

I never saw this confirming replay. I'm not saying it wasn't shown, mind, I didn't see every minute of the game. But the footage I did see had the catch obscured by Hall's foot. Anyone see the catch cleanly taken?

GRASSY NEL

André Nel drops Ponting a sitter - again! Hand's up anyone who didn't think Sorth Efrica would rue the day. Straya's 1/150 chasing 200 and Ponting get's a gimme life. It was about then you could be forgiven for thinking Straya might notch up 500 and a huge lead.

Closer analysis, though, revealed a different picture - batting was difficult. Ponting had edged, nudged and mistimed his way to 50, never looking comfortable. Hayden had become unsettled, overdoing the tonk on Boje. It was, indeed, surprising Straya were ONLY 1/150. With the pitch skittish and taking turn, they coulda/shoulda conceivably been 3 or 4 down. So when Ponting got out on the stroke of lunch, you just knew there'd be no big score. As things turned out we ended up a mere 100 odd ahead, thanks largely to Sideshow Roy's quick 50.

Which is where every Strayan cricket fan's greatest fear sets in - The Chase. Only a small lead on the first innings and set to bat last. Currently Sorth Efrica are trailing by 40 odd and they've lost three wickets, but Jacques Kallis looks set, he won't be Jacques Careless like on Day 1, and they bat deep. A quick 50 from Boucher could see us out of the game.

We simply must rip through the rest of the Yarpie line-up before they post a tidy lead. Otherwise, in the words of famed cricket expert Private James Frazer, We're doomed!

Sick Note: Tony Grieg sounds terrible - well, more terrible. Why won't the big fuckin' carbuncle take a day off. Living in Straya, surely he understands the concept of a sicky.

SAME TIME, SAME BAT CHANNEL

Different score:

LOOK BACK IN CLANGER

Jumped in my car at lunch (9:45pm here in Poohtown, 3000) to hear England was 120 for one, McGrath was out again and yet another English batsman had been "dismissed" with a no-ball. It's astounding how quickly the wheels can come off. Clown catching, no-balls, impotent bowling, slack batting - what a fiasco.

This time around it's 4/66 at lunch, currently 6/112. We're even catching the ones we drop. Still, we've had trouble going right through sides recently, so touch wood the Sorth Efrican tail doesn't rally.

FIFTY/50

Thank Christ for that! I didn't see even one ball bowled. Nevertheless, some in-depth analysis:

1) Fuck.

Further incisive thought when it comes to mind.

GULP

That's the front page of today's Age sport section. The back page of the Herald Sun reads "Aussies smash one-day record ... and South Africa's hearts". Both were printed after Straya's innings.

I dunno how much I can bang on about these matters, but it is inconceivable the so-called experts would not consult the AGB on matters Mozz. Swine. THEY lost us the game last night, every bit as much as our toothless trundlers.

You know I'm right.

THE POWER OF ONE

You know how I said one-day cricket sucks and the footy season can't come too soon? A lie. Footy is fucked, and I'm back on the ODI bandwagon. (As of last night.)

He's an easy target, is Tony Greig, and not without good reason. He has a singular ability to give ALL Strayans the shits. Yet who'd have thought that since he's been OUR? representative on the commentary team back in Sorth Efrica, he'd manage to give us the shits even more.

1) Every second ball hit in the air is out, until it isn't. Every other ball hit in the air is going to the boundary, until it's not, and several ended up out.

2) "Australians don't like talking about the 1970 tour of SA."  Well, here's a tip, Tone, since that happened 36 years ago and we haven't lost to SA since, why bother.

3) Sean Pollock (Polly to the fans - how gay) hit Brett Lee for four fours: "Ever since I was hit for 5 in a row, I revel in Australians copping stick." Revel? How about living somewhere else then.

4) With Straya 1/80 "This will go down as one of the most exciting ODI Standard Bank Series ever!" Ridiculous understatement! It is obviously THE BEST ODI Standard Bank Series ever. By the way, how many ODI Standard Bank Series have there been?

5) He spent the last half hour of the game saying Sorth Efrica had it won, and then at the end of the 49th over: "Andrew Hall is going to win it for Sorth Efrica in the last over." With mozzing like that the Yarpies will want to lynch him, too.

Chuck in Paddy Symcox. Kemp was given out LBW to which Symcox said "That's going down leg." Sure, it may well have missed, but the replay clearly showed Kemp in front for what was well worth a shout, and you could barely see middle peg. Symcox again - "You can see leg stump - not out." Shit-stirring, blind, stupid or lying? Take your pick.

To be fair the commentary team is ok. Barry Richards, good. Mike Haysman, steady. Darryl Cullinan, surprisingly good. Pat Symcox, generally ok. Tony Grieg.

HODGEPODGE

A little cricket then, shall we, it's been a while.

The test squad was picked for Sorth Efrica yesterday and there was one semi-surprise. Brad Hodge has been dropped and aren't the Victorian crickerati pissed orf. Darren Berry had a fit. Greg Shipperd was "astounded". Anthony Hudson and David Schwarz, a dweeb and a fathead, were ranting and raving on the wireless yesterday, their phoner-innerers calling Trevor Hohns a cretin, a liar or both. Partisan rubbish, of course. (Personally, I'd much rather Australia win than Victoria. It quite fucks me off when people go on about state biases in test selections.) It's not hard to see where the selectors are coming from. If it wasn't for Hodge's 200 in Perth on a feather-bed, he'd have had a very ordinary summer indeed. Something not mentioned on the front of The Age's sport section which highlights Hodge's 409 at 58.4. His debut fifty against a pox Windies at Bellerive was tidy, but the way he got out there, feeling outside off peg, was a portent of things to come. Nor should it be forgotten that he was dropped in the same way when he made that 200. And there was his awful last ball dismissal in S'Syddey. Sure, he will be feeling shithouse (nearly wrote gutted - cunt of a term, term for cunts), but that salient flaw in Hodge's technique is a major worry.

Selecting most of the rest wouldn't have wasted the selector's time.

1. Haydos
2. Gnome B.N
3. Punter
4. Warnie
5. Gilly
6. Magilla
7. Binger
8. Mr Cricket

Pretty much pick themselves, don't they, with maybe only Magilla as questionable considering how many people dislike him. A lack of firepower in the speed department would have worked in his favour, they were always going to leave themselves the dual leggie option.

The almost certainties?

1. Kaspro, as the best performed fasty in the Puras was always a good chance to cover for Pidge. It would have been out of him and Dizz.
2. Pup can play. Very well. He's been making big runs for NSW so he was always a good chance to return.
3. Sideshow Roy can also play, and the selectors will be crossing their fingers he finally delivers.
4. Larry Tait is the dangerous speed demon they are looking for to support Binger, so it was reasonable to expect he'd get the nod.

Then there's the can-consider-themselves-lucky-to-be-picked players.

1. Marto was unlucky to be dropped after England and was picked because the selectors wanted his experience to stabilise the middle order. Hodge, Clarke and Sideshow were obviously seen as one green batsman too many. Two? Well, they can probably stomach that, but three? No thanks. Still, Marto has hardly been in blistering form so he ought to buy a lottery ticket tomorrow, if he hasn't already, and he's lucky there's no one else who fits the middle order Key Selection Criteria.
2. Sclark is probably in there instead of Dizzy because he is younger. But as the back-up fasty it's unlikely he will play. The same would go for all the other bowlers in his grouping who might have been looked at - Lewis, Johnston, Harwood, etc.

No Pidge, though - it's a worry. If Straya lose the series it won't be a surprise, but like the Ashes, everything would have to go wrong. Conversely, should they win the series they will have done very well indeed, or South Africa will have choked. Take your pick.

BORE WAR

This business of Yarpies complaining about Strayans is all getting a bit tedious. But Mark Boucher? Surely not. That tough little fucker must be having a lend of us, right? How else would you explain him taking his bat and ball and goi ... being home. Name names or shut up.

The tour from hell

"Nasty things have been said," Boucher said in an interview with The Wisden Cricketer magazine.

"We did share a few beers after the Test series. But a lot of guys' eyes, maybe on both sides, have been opened. I think the beers that are drunk may be just for the sake of it because that's the right thing to do.

"I'm not going to mention names but I have lost respect for one or two of their players. If they want to say the same thing about us, no problem.

"But we live in South Africa and they live in Australia (so) we don't have to put up with them and they don't have to put up with us. It's do-or-die on the field and hopefully we can keep the rest to a minimum."

Boucher said there would be no sympathy from the Proteas players if South African crowds stirred the Australians.

"I hope our public give them a bit of stick because we've taken a serious amount," Boucher said.

"In the past our crowds haven't been too great with them but trust me, we're not going to sit back and say, shame, poor things."

Since when did the Strayans want any sympathy from the South Africans? What - did the Yarpies need a shoulder to cry on out here? Milquetoasts. And anyway, it's not as if the Strayans don't already know Sorth Efrican fans are animals.

Touch wood.

THERE'S NO ROTATION POLICY HERE

Well, hello there. You can stop wondering whether I've been rested for Australia Day. Despite initially being left out of the Adelaide line-up, Cricket Australia insisted I watch telly and blog. "Nope," came the hard word from head suit, James Sutherland, "stakeholders need your product."

He specifically wanted me to count how many times Mark Nicholas said 'amazing', 'splendid' or 'wonderful'. Gut reaction leans to the latter, and indeed it's currently well in front, but when it comes to lavish adjectives it's quite a task keeping up with The Hampshire Gusher.

Afterwards Sutherland pulled me aside for a quiet word in my shell-like. "While you're at it, Tone" he whispered all guile, "suss out if the mug punters, errr, consumers prefer Ian Chappell's 'Sri Lunker' or Tony Greig's 'Mooraly Doorun'." Apparently CA want to expand the Boony Doll repertoire. "The cricket's on the telly" just wasn't 'cutting through', as we say in advertising.

NTINI MEENY MINEY MO

We all know how that works out, right. Catch a tigger by the toe. "Tigger?" you inquire sceptically. That's right, tigger with a T. Obviously, I never meant anything different. How dare you suggest otherwise!

Get the drift? Not a million miles away, something similar has been bugging me.

John Blackman, alias Dicky Knee, visits the Aussie dressing room giving Shane Warne a bright idea. Makhaya Ntini has a dicky knee, Dicky Knee is John Blackman, ergo Makhaya Ntini is John Blackman. Funny, no?

Well, no.

Why didn't Warne call him Dicky Knee? Ntini doesn't know either Dicky Knee or John Blackman, but it's obvious which is funnier. Ntini and Dicky even have the shaggy black hair under their caps.

Instead Warne calls him John Blackman -- Black man, geddit? -- and has the front to get the hump at suggestions his comment had racist undertones. If YOU were going to call a black man Blackman, would it not cross YOUR mind he was black? Chances are it would. Chances are, too, you think Warne is a complete cretin. But while he probably ain't no Rhode Scholar, he probably ain't no complete cretin, either.

I'm tipping sly dig or a joke fallen flat. You draw your own conclusions. Or speculate wildly - it's up to you.

Speaking of ... umm ... jokes: here's News Limited's Ben Dorries cracking foxy in the Hun:

Ntini poised for speedy comeback

INJURED South Africa fast bowler Makhaya Ntini could make a shock return to terrorise Australia's batsmen in the current VB Series.

TWENTY/20 VISION

The Quicket. So I watched some, and then I blinked. Did I miss anything?

FOOLS BOLD

"Graham Smith made a 'bold' declaration". How many times you hear that today? Or a variation of it - brave, sporting, tempting, take your pick. Plenty, I'd say. To be perfectly frank, I was stunned when Smith waved the Saffa innings closed, I was expecting them to bat for at least another half hour to further lessen the chance of an Aussie win. A target of 287 on pitch kept in good nick by the weather, and without any spinners to speak of meant that Yarp Efrica needed their seamers to get early wickets or they were in big trouble. Turns out Langefelt, Pollock, Jacques and Nel couldn't cut through so that once the shine was off the ball, they were basically fucked. Nor is that your pants-wetting battery of speed demons circa the 1980's Windies. In short, Smith misread the pitch. It was similar to when Australia played New Zealand at the Gabba in 2001. Steve Waugh (seemingly goaded by Mark Taylor in the commentary box) made a 'sporting' declaration on day 5 after much time was lost due to rain. This left NZ with an eminently gettable target of 284. NEVER give a sucker an even break. Australia had dominated the game, yet here was NZ suddenly given a chance to pinch the match on what amounted to a day three pitch, historically the best batting day at the Gabba. In the end, Australia only managed to draw the game after McGrath bowled an over of balls wide down leg side - hardly a dignified save.

Where the circs differed was in the motivations for the declaration. Australia were (over?)confident of bowling out NZ to take a 1/0 lead in the series whereas SA needed to win today to draw the series so Smith was left with a difficult decision to make. He made it wrong. Smith criticised Ponting for not making a 'generous' declaration in Perth, thus backing himself into a corner whereby he needed to make the 'bold' call or he'd look like a dick. If I was the sort of bloke who had a tendency to feel sorry for opposition players, I might almost, nearly, just about be tempted to feel sorry for him. But I'm not. While the weather undoubtedly denied Sorth Efrica the chance to set up a big total, Smith has talked the talked, but dramatically porked the walk. Stiff shit to him.

Incidentally, the last captain to declare twice and lose a test was Honsie Cronje in January 2000 when two declarations meant England won a test by two wickets in what was generally considered an ... err ... 'interesing' result. South Africa's second innings declaration was designated as a forfeit whereas England's first innings declaration was marked with the somewhat less pointed 0/0 dec. Not that I'm, you know, suggesting anything untoward happened today. Not at all. Never. Perish the thought.

Unbogging ourselves from declarations. To chase down any 'challenging' fourth innings target the side batting last needs one particular thing to happen - to keep the scoreboard ticking over. There's no future in plodding to a result, sides that try on that business invariably build the pressure on themselves until a spate of wickets sees them having to stonewall for a draw. In fact, that's almost what I expected to happen today - sans the plodding. Australia would have been expected to have a dash early and maybe get in some bother late in the day thus causing them to put up the shutters. But in Ricky Ponting, Australia have just the batsman to keep the runs flowing. He is currently the best batsman in the world and in ... ahem ... 'career best form'. His innings today was another gem. Ponting = Gun. At no stage was he troubled by the toothless bowling, and then when South Africa threw in the towel around the tea break, easy runs were there for the taking. Why wasn't Nel introduced to shake things up? Rudolph and Botha? Yer kidding, right. Mind you, even as Australia were cruising to victory fingernails were consumed as I recalled previous painful chases. Fanie De Villiers, anyone? As noted cricket stalwart, Dr Zachary Smith was prone to say "Oooh, the pain".

Australia have now won the series 2/0 when at stages, and in particular, if Sarth Efrica had held their catches, the Aussies could have looked at losing 0/3. The Yarps play disciplined, hard cricket and back at home will be hard to beat. But. They need better bowlers.

BO BALL

Johan Botha chucks it, that much is clear. Sadly, what's not clear is by how much - just calling "no ball" doesn't cut it. New rules prevent an umpire from looking at Botha and making a judgement. In matters of chucking, unlike Elbee, an umpire isn't trusted to umpire. Ludicrous, of course, but there you are.

How did it come to this? Well, the ICC, for whatever reason (Sno job?), were looking for an out which had them assessing old footage to determine that nearly ALL bowlers chuck, ergo there needs to be a little flexibility (a wickedly flexible word, in itself) in the rules. Ha! That's a good one. Like a little wobble in, say, Dennis Lillee's action should or could be compared with the structural abortion that is, say, Murali's doosra. Speed merchants will always be able to bowl pretty damn quick without flex, sure, some will occasionally wobble, but on the other side of things, spinners will never be able to bowl the doosra without flex. (Sacky Mushtaq's toppy is my exception, but as toppy implies, I don't consider it a true doosra.) In other words, by comparing a spinner's action against the vastly different action of a fast bowler, spinners are allowed to cheat. Farcical, I know.

The single greatest criticism of the new process is that a bowler can try to work within the allowable tolerance at the UWA bowling doctor, get certifiad A1, but then out on the field, do pretty much what he likes. It's that old comparison thing of getting your driver's license. If you are caught driving like an idiot, you can't then use the excuse "Now, come on, officer - driving recklessly? But I passed my test!" Dave Richardson at the ICC, while comparing Botha to Harby, acknowledges (inadvertently?) that point in today's Australian.

Amount of flex sees Botha in new light

Harbhajan's case highlights the problems with the ICC's handling of suspected chuckers. The body found that he did not throw when being analysed but appeared to when playing.

"There is no doubt that the action analysed in the University of Western Australia showed Harbhajan bowling with an action that is in accordance with the regulations," ICC general manager of cricket David Richardson said.

"The analysis of the action used during the Pakistan match identifies some differences including the position of the feet and the speed of the delivery.

"However, Mr Portus (the biomechanist) was unable to reach a definitive conclusion on the action used against Pakistan because of the quality of the footage and the camera angles used.

First up - good stuff. It's an anomaly too glaring to let pass indefinitely, or until the ICC hope the problem goes away. But should you choose to play a shot - those of you not hard of thinking will spot the other contradiction. Dodgy old footage is good enough to ping Lillee and co for chucking, but the latest in flash footage is not good enough to do the same for Harby and his fellow campers. I mean - Sky and/or Channel 4 - Channel 9.

Once we've ironed out Botha, let's kick the racist stuff and go after the real offender/s.

$500 UNSHAMED

Sydney is a great place, no really, but this business is a lottle hard to take:

"What? You actually want to stay in Melbourne over New Year's and miss out on seeing the greatest firework display in the world from the greatest city in the world?"

Lather. It. On. Hype that brazen can only come from a politician on the sell, right? Morris Yumma? Bob the Banker? The Liberal guy - Whatsisface? Wrong. It was none other than Channel Nine Cricket's saleman-in-residence Tony Greig at the start of yesterday's play.

I was somewhere in mid-curse when the purpose of Tone's shameless hucksterism became apparent. Turns out his real motive wasn't a newfound enthusiasm for his second adopted homeland. 

"Yes, Bull," urged the big shill. "If you come to Sydney for New Year's Eve you will be able to watch the brilliant fireworks live on Channel Nine."

Ignore, if you will, two salient facts. One, no sane person gives the tiniest fuck about the Melbourne/Sydney thing, and two, anyone who get's excited at fireworks is a certifiable cretin. No, instead, concentrate on the ball - Grieg & cricket. Anyone who thinks Kerry Packer's demise will usher in Tone-free cricket coverage is fooling themselves. Nine is a hard-nose commercial outfit, and no one at the cricket is more willing to peddle piss-poor product than Grieg. Couple that with his mythical lifetime contract - it refers to Grieg's life, not Packer's - and it means we're stuck with the big dud for a while yet.

SIDESHOW ROY

Whaddaya reckon? Spooked Ponting declare too early, did he? Pitch still pretty good? South Africa to win? One thing's for sure, dried banana tastes great.

RIKP

Tony Grieg sacked? Odd how these things happen, isn't it - I was just starting to like the big yarpie.

In related funny-about-that news:

"All tests in this part of the world should start at 11:00."

-- Ian Chappell, yesterday

Update! "Like" him? Well ... you knooooww ... that's not strictly true.

Update! Mike Coward - goose!

Proteas outplay, out-sledge Australia

On yesterday's showing, Graeme Smith, South Africa's canny captain and proud agent provocateur, has the Australians pegged. He is convinced they are losing their might and, to the chagrin of counterpart Ricky Ponting and his minions, has been quick to say so publicly.

Inevitably the war of words of recent days was transferred to the middle and from afar it seemed the Australians were out-sledged as well as outplayed.

Bollox! Sure, Warne bit, but he always has. Sledging is just too over-rated by our hacks, especially international sucks like Coward. Andre the Giant Mouth would have been biting his tongue after letting fly at Mike Hussey, only to have Shameless immediately smack him back over his noggin for consecutive sixes. Sledging? Fuck off!

Just between you, me and the internets, Andre, despite a virulent case of White-Line Fever (Can you imagine the flack he'd cop from our hacks were he Strayan?), looks like a good sort of bloke.

Update! Graham Smith might be a canny captain, but where was that can this morning when his field was all over the shop? Or is that slop? He had an absolute shocker.

Update! Peter Roebuck must read the AGB - Hello there, Spanky - he's on to The Mozz.

Sooner or later, someone will study the effects of drinks breaks on cricket matches, whereupon it will emerge that they take more wickets even than a commentator observing that "this bloke looks solid".

Solid as a rock melon.

Gareth 1.51pm WST: "Those yarpies are being a bit persisent, aren't they"

TV 1.52pm WST: "McGrath hits him on the back pad ... OUT!"

Colleague 1.53pm WST: "not anymore"

MOZZ!

De Villiers - Mozzed Parker - 61. Neck AND crop - whatever that means.

STATS MORE LIKE IT

John Pierik? Couldn't give two hoots about him. Crash Craddock? Well, I like Crash - normally. Upon reading this piece by the pair of them in yesterday's Herald Sun, I spat out "You dickheads have got to be kidding!"

TOO LATE SKIPPER

Australian captain Ricky Ponting was dealing with one of the biggest blunders of his career last night after South Africa escaped with a stunning draw in the first Test at the WACA ground.

Dealing with one of the biggest blunders of his career? Balls! No doubt some journalistic sophistry would argue the case - you could argue ANY blunder is the biggest blunder of someone's career. But how often have Australia bowled fourth and not been able to bowl a team out in four sessions? Not often. South Africa batted well, is what happened. Happily today, cooler heads than Pierik and Crash (must have been caught in the WA sun) set the record straight.

Michael Horan chips in with the numbers. Numbers the should have been presented by Pierik and Craddock yesterday.

Arithmetic backs Punter's call

AUSTRALIA captain Ricky Ponting has suffered a media mauling after the drawn Test in Perth. He stands accused of batting too long and putting Brad Hodge's quest for a double century ahead of the team's chances of securing victory against South Africa. Statistics were used to condemn Ponting for not declaring much earlier and giving his bowlers up to another 1½ sessions to dispose of the tourists.

But is that really fair?

Here is another stat to consider. In 33 Tests at the WACA Ground since Australia first hosted England there in 1970-1971, the longest any touring team has survived in the fourth innings is 90.2 overs.

Precisely. And three proper cricket people put the two beat-up merchants in their place.

Plenty of time to win the Test

THREE former Australian captains have gone into bat for Ricky Ponting after critics blasted the Test skipper's decision to bat on in the drawn first Test in Perth.

[...]

Allan Border, who led Australia in a record 93 Tests and fellow captains Bob Simpson and Kim Hughes all agreed Ponting's tactics were reasonable under the conditions.

No idea what made the tools go after Ponting so hard, but it would be funny if refused to talk to them for a couple of tests. Dickheads!

Horan's closer to the money here:

Perhaps, in hindsight, the Perth Test wasn't so much a tactical gaffe on Ponting's part, but a wake-up call that Australia is in for a tough fight, particularly following the pasting given to West Indies earlier this summer.

D'OH BALL!

A lot of noise is made about "wickets taken" with no balls. Vaughan and Trescothick in England, for instance. These incidents are always couched in the same breathless terms as dropped catches. "The England skipper had two lives on 41."

I don't agree.

The flight of a no ball will be different to that of a legitimate ball. Thus a wicket taken by a no ball would probably not have been taken by a legitimate ball in it's stead. Granted the initial high of a no ball wicket, quickly followed by the let-down of seeing the umpy with his arm out can be deflating, but if the ball was legitimate in the first place, the end result would have been different.

Sure, sure, it's a rather fine point, but it's a point needs making.

Split hairs aside, what happened when Billy Doctor reprieved Ricky Ponting, was bizarre. Bowlers taking wickets with no balls has reached epidemic proportions, but yesterday was the first time I've ever seen a bowler no-balled when it wasn't a no ball.

Televisual adjudication of no balls is becoming more and more likely.

While I'm on the topic - Shane Warne. At the WACA back in 2001 Warne was dismissed for 99, caught in the deep by Wanker Richardson off Danny Vettori. As everybody is now aware, courtesy of footage at last year's Border Medal, Vettori had bowled a no ball. So, in the same way as Justin Langer was dismissed by a Flintoff no ball at Lords, Warne should have been not out and, in fact, scored a ton. The thing is though, here I am watching Warne on 99, I saw the dismissal, I saw the replays, and yet I didn't know it was a no ball. Why? I don't think I would have missed that. And if I hadn't, I wouldn't have forgotten it. Yet what was shown at the Border Medal was news to me. What am I getting at? Well, just this - was the Border Medal footage stooged?