AGB Cricket

PEACE IN OUR PRIME-TIME

Sideshow Roy Symonds, who retired from international cricket to find peace, aims to be '"completely at peace" on Indian Big Brother (especially if Harbhajan Singh is unveiled as the latest latest contestant):

Andrew Symonds to go on Indian Big Brother

CONTROVERSIAL Australian all-rounder Andrew Symonds was on Tuesday unveiled as the latest contestant in the Indian television version of the hit reality show "Big Brother" ("Bigg Boss").

"India has been good to me and I have been travelling to India for over 20 years ... I am hoping to have a lot of fun inside the house and learn more about the Indian culture that I find very fascinating."

"I am also looking at this as an opportunity to showcase the Australian culture which involves fun-filled activities like barbecues, throwing people into the pool and being completely at peace."

'DOS AMIGOS

Haydos on Sideshow Roy:

In August 2008, Andrew Symonds was sent home after he missed a team meeting in Darwin before the first one-dayer in a series against Bangladesh because he was fishing.

The day after, my mobile beeped. It was a message and photo from Symo. Sporting the blissful smile of an angler who had filled his creel, he proudly displayed a giant barramundi. The photo was accompanied by a message: "What's all the fuss about?"

Haydos on the Indomitable Paper Cut of Steel:

Symo had his say in Antigua during the 2007 World Cup when Shane Watson, obviously not impressed by the smell of the dressing room, lit a scented candle. "Have a go at this... do I really want to play for Australia any more?" Watto was devastated.

Haydos on, at a guess, players who ruffle each other's hair:

The Gen Y culture covered a lot of different areas of our lives as blokes became - how shall I say it? - less blokey. Spirit based drinks replaced old-fashioned beers. Conversation topics would include shoes, hair and clothes.

But obviously not food.

APE GOAT

Australia and India play out a classic Test match that might, via a handful of nebulous parallels, be seen as retribution for Wild Dogs Sydney. On the same day, Sideshow Roy Symonds revisits that fractious affair, revealing he felt hung out to dry by the authorities. He was also rightly critical of the blatant lies we all know were told:

Harbhajan should have been punished - Symonds

"If truth, honesty and common sense had prevailed, then there would have been a punishment for the player."

"The thing, I think, that was grinding on me the most was the lying. Because the allegation was that this hadn't happened, and it had. Then the lies started, and then it became political.

LEGALLY BLINDING

Sideshow Roy Symonds' contract to keep off the booze appears to have worked in reverse, turning him into a binge guzzler:

Andrew Symonds: Why I hated playing international cricket

In the end it was not the alcohol that got to Andrew Symonds, but the pressure. It was the training regime, the media demands, sponsorship appearances and interview requests. And, more than anything else, it was the special contract he signed with Cricket Australia forbidding him from having a drink.

AT LONG LAST STRAW

Sideshow Dim Sym has been on his last chance for nearly four years: given his spectacular recidivism, that must be some sort of record.

Boozed Andrew Symonds axed

ANDREW Symonds will be banished from international cricket for ever after being sent home from England in disgrace after his latest alcohol-fuelled bender.

Cricket's bad boy, dubbed "Dim Symmo", broke team rules by having late night drinking sessions and failing to inform teammates of his whereabouts during Australia's Twenty20 World Cup preparations.

Cricket Australia chief executive James Sutherland said last night the CA board would have little option but to tear up Symonds' contract.

"We've probably come to the end of the line," Sutherland conceded. "In isolation the breaches that I am talking about are not serious, but in the scheme of things, in the scheme of history, they are enough for it to be the final straw.

"You might have thought the end of the line should have happened sooner."

Dean Jones has been spinning the line that CA were too harsh, that all Roy did was pop out to watch State of Origin and have a couple of beers. In short: "DK and Thommo did it. It's the Aussie thing to do."

Dean Jones slams Cricket Australia

Former Australian cricket great Dean Jones has fired a broadside at Cricket Australia for sending Andrew Symonds home from the Ashes tour in England for not telling team management he was leaving his London hotel room to watch the NRL State Of Origin at a pub.

Jones surprisingly questioned whether Cricket Australia has been too harsh on perennial bad boy Symonds, and even raised a 'conspiracy theory' about the sporting body's decision to send Australia to participate in a recent series in Dubai.

On Symonds' indiscretion, Jones told 3AW's Neil Mitchell: "I think he is probably too Australian. He just had a beer and supported Queensland's big win over NSW – it's a culture in the team that's always been there … players talk about it. He left the hotel without telling anyone."

Maybe, IF (traditional "big if") you go by Stakeholders' remark that Roy's breaches were "not serious", Deano is onto something. What's more, you rarely associate "not serious" with the colourful phrases "alcohol fuelled bender" and "late night drinking sessions".

Roy deserves to be dumped if he got a skinful outside hours. But if, as Deano said, Roy has been sent home because he didn't tell anyone he was going out to watch State of Origin, then his expulsion is down to cumulative naughtiness. A bit like Ben Cousins. No one would have given a toss had, say, Bill Brownless given the finger to a camera. Ben's history, or should I say form, doomed him to his usual rumpus.

Also, what time was it? Here, State of Origin started around 7:30 pm, but in the UK it would have been mid-morning. If Roy was on a bender, he must have started very early, or stayed up very, very late.

FREAKSHOW ROY

Think of all those movies and TV shows in which the health care administrator with the shit-eating grin informs the shocked hero that the bad guy, a psycho who the hero thought was banged up for life, has suddenly been deemed fit to be released from care, only for the hero, who knows the psycho has conned the administrator, to protest "But he's not ready!".

Now think of Sideshow Roy:

Symonds' six minutes of radio madness

ANDREW Symonds will be quizzed by Cricket Australia today over a bizarre radio rant where he labelled big-hitting New Zealander Brendon McCullum a "lump of s---".

Symonds' six minutes of madness happened live on air with Roy and HG on Triple M last night.

"Yep, we love to hate them, but he's the lump of s---, sorry, lump of cow dirt, that people are thinking of."

Asked later about Hayden's cooking, Symonds said he takes a "side glance at Hayden's wife" as "it helps the meal go down amply well".

ROYS & HG

Courtesy of Moses: the podcast.

SIDELINE ROY

There is one thing about Sunday's defeat that has gone completely unmentioned: when Sideshow Roy set off after the winnings runs, he had a massive limp. Now, I suppose, we know why he hardly bowled in the first innings of the Perth Test, and not at all in the second innings: he has a gammy knee.

Ricky Ponting is rocked by Andrew Symonds injury

ANDREW Symonds is struggling with a knee injury that has left him in doubt for the Boxing Day Test at the MCG.

This ties in neatly with something Russ wrote on Sunday: "Here's a tip, Roy = Scapegoat." Now the selectors can, without any contortions, quietly drop Roy and slot Paper Cut into the side.

NOSHOW ROY

Obviously Stakeholders Sutherland owes Sideshow Roy for dudding him over the Monkeygate result:

A naughty Roy, but who cares?

ANDREW Symonds was guilty of another contractual breach in the wake of the "gone fishing" affair - but Cricket Australia boss James Sutherland said the indiscretion was "not my business".

As debate rages over whether Symonds was prematurely returned to the Test fold, it has been learned the allrounder missed a compulsory recovery session with Queensland in his third week back from cricketing exile.

Advised of the misdemeanour - the third breach of his CA contract in three years - by counsellors, Sutherland took no action.

THE ROY POLLOI

How much does Andrew Symonds hate Joe Public? This much:

I'll take a pay cut

ANDREW Symonds is so haunted by the fame that goes with his new fortune, he offered to take a massive pay cut of up to $250,000 this year to avoid all off-field commitments.

X-ROY

X-pect the X-pected:

I don't expect Symonds to be a model citizen: Ponting

"I don't expect him to be the model citizen when he comes back into the side, I expect him to be the Andrew Symonds of old," Ponting was quoted as saying in a radio channel here.

"That's what we all love about him. We all love his personality and the way he is around the team. I love the way he goes about his cricket on the field as well," he added.

Ponting, however, said that there would be media pressure on Symonds for the first couple of days but exuded confidence that Symonds would live up to the expectation and add that X-factor to the team.

"I think he has to know and understand that there's going to be a lot of attention on him in the first couple of games he plays, and I'll make that pretty clear to him this afternoon.

"I know that he's on edge a little bit the last few days, wanting to know if he's back in the side or not, and now that he's been named I'm sure that will be a load of his shoulders and he can slot back into the side and be that performer we all want him to be."

"He does add a lot to your team - he adds that X-factor, he adds that great presence in the field. Having that sort of cricketer in the line-up, so far as balance goes, is excellent," he said.

Carry on:

Symonds 'a victim' says hotel management

Trouble-plagued cricketer Andrew Symonds says he was the victim of an overzealous fan following reports he was involved in a pub fight at a Brisbane hotel at the weekend.

SIDESHOW RULE NAZI

Sideshow Roy, ya big head, build a bridge and get over yourself. The "Test players only" sounds bad enough, but the "rule Nazi" stunt, in particular, is the territory of your more dumb-arse schoolkids.

Bar row put Andrew Symonds on the outer

ANDREW Symonds controversially announced during the Harbhajan Singh appeal hearing last summer that "a Test match is no place to be friendly with an opposition player".

Symonds is discovering that friendships with opposition players, or his own team-mates, are never a given in international cricket. On or off the field.

He is also discovering that no matter how many runs you make or save, no matter how many wickets you take or defend, that your place in the Australian side is never a given.

Symonds will be left out of the touring squad for India, which was picked last night, and is said to have a lot more work to do if he wants to be back in the team for the Australian summer.

For a man known to announce in bars that certain spaces are for "Test players only", being on the wrong side of the divide must come as something of a disappointment, not that Symonds has shown any reaction to his axing from the national team.

...

Symonds' reaction to being fined during the recent West Indies tour grated with team-mates, too.

Stung $3000 for missing the team bus, he became what one person described as "the rule Nazi" and would ensure he was on the team bus five minutes before it was due to leave.

At the exact time of departure, Symonds' watch would beep and he would announce that the doors had to close and the bus had to leave and anybody left behind could walk or be fined because that was the way he was treated.

TESQUAD

Now, come on. NO ONE says Test. Squad:

McGain to tour India, Symonds out

Australia: Punter (capt), Pup (vice-capt), Champagne, Sarfraz, Braddin, Flatty, Shameless, Hungry, Mitchell Johnson, Krab, Krazy, Bing, Bryce McGain, Peter Siddle, Paper Cut

Need nicknames for Johnson, McGain and Siddle.

DEJA ROY

Fingers crossed Sideshow Roy being sent home from Darwin won't set the same sort of tone as in 2005:

Hussey tries to stop history repeating

Another disciplinary lapse by Andrew Symonds has Australia needing to defend well with the ball to ensure they do not suffer another shock defeat to cricketing minnow Bangladesh.

The world champions decided to send the Queensland allrounder home for failing to attend a team meeting on Friday because he was fishing, and their innings in the first one-dayer lacked spark without him.

And I don't mean just that loss to the Bangers; on any one day, anyone can lose any one-dayer if the mood suits. I mean losing to the Bangers at Sophia Gardens, generally struggling in the NWS series as a whole, then losing the Ashes. Be interesting how this series sets us up for India.

SYMONDS HITS THE FAN

WAITING FOR GOODOUGH

Act I.

The time: Half past 2007.

The place: India.

The scene: Sponsor's function.

An Indian heavy hitter sidles up to Sideshow Roy.

HH:  "Excuse me, Mr Roy?"

Roy: "G'day, Heavy Hitter."

HH: "Are you having a good time?"

Roy: "Great. This party is a blast. But did you have to book Bing to sing?"

HH: "Sorry, he is big in India. Tell me: are you, by chance, related to Arundhati Roy?"

Roy: "Not even by marriage. Who is he, anyway?"

HH: "It does not matter. I will come to the point: you like to make big monkey... I mean, many gorillas?"

Roy: "Too right, mate. Just show me where, when and especially how much."

HH: "Twenty20. Here. Next year. April."

Roy: "Shit. Can't do it. We're playing the Pakis."

HH: "Do not worry about those bomb-happy Musslims."

Roy: "CricAussie will want me to tour."

HH: "There is way around them, too."

Roy: "How so?"

HH: "Pakistan is basket case, yes?"

Roy: "It is?"

HH: "Touring there dangerous, yes?"

Roy: "It is?"

HH: "Bomb. Happy. Just talk about how Pakistan is basket case."

Roy: "I'm with you now. Why didn't you say so? 'Pakistan. Basket case.' That kind of thing?"

HH: "That kind of thing."

Roy: "The ICC?"

HH: "The ICC?!? Ho ho ho... that is a good one."

Roy: "What?"

HH: "Never mind. Keep expressing doubts about Pakistan and leave the rest to us."

Roy: "Gotcha."

HH: "Edmund Roy?"

Roy: "..."

HH: "Did not think so."

SIDESHOW ROY

Whaddaya reckon? Spooked Ponting declare too early, did he? Pitch still pretty good? South Africa to win? One thing's for sure, dried banana tastes great.