AGB Cricket

HAPPY TAMPER

Ramiz Raja recommends ball tampering: "a wonderful science", or what Imran Khan politely called "ball keeping".

Presumably Imran, as the "elder statesmen of the team", was the head scratcher. Wonder how Imran will greet Ramiz next time they meet.

The article has merit: where do you draw the line between shining the ball and tampering with the ball? How much advantage, if any, does bat now have over ball?

Since the best short form matches are low scoring affairs, I would love to see the ICC mandate skittish pitches for T20 and T50. Not Tests, since the deterioration of the pitch is essential to the caper.

Those of us who are not professional rhetoricians, when striving to make a point, often overstate our cases. A sportsman, accustomed to exquisite timing on the park, can get it wrong on the page. Could be a word limit thing. The editor barks for 720 words by midnight, but the writer runs out out of steam and has to pad.

Could also be that he's just talking balls. The parallel between Aussie sledging and Pakistani ball wrecking is ambitious. If "ball-tampering is being openly admitted by the players" it would be nice to know which players. And the second last paragraph, somewhere between stretching the point and off-topic rant, is a wild over-reach: "forced to revolt", "unjust system", "justified mutiny".

Offspinners were forced to revolt against the unjust system, and they created the doosra, which has managed to bring a semblance of balance to a skewed relationship and also reinvented a dying art. Some would say bowling the doosra is tantamount to chucking; others view it as a justified mutiny against the lop-sided rules bowlers operate under. The managers of the game need to understand that a six may bring momentary pleasure, but the fall of a wicket is, and will always be, the ultimate high in cricket.

Those of us accustomed to getting their point across with precisely the correct application of language and logic occasionally understate our cases: chucking the doosra is not a parallel with tampering and is tantamount to wanton, dishonest, barefaced cheating, with the game's spineless governors implicit in the rort.

(Thanks, Vindicate.)

LET'S GET READY TO NURDLE

Tonight, for three nights only, T20, a Tables, Ladders & Chairs Smackdown: Hangover Black v Michael Clarke.

Feb 05, 2010	Pakistan	MCG		(7:35pm)
Feb 21, 2010	West Indies	Bellerive	(6:35pm)
Feb 23, 2010	West Indies	SCG		(6:35pm)

RECHEAT OFFENDER

The ICC umpire panel's loss is our gain, with Darrell Hair, the gift who keeps on giving:

Former umpire Darrell Hair labels Shahid Afridi a serial cheat

FORMER Test umpire Darrell Hair has branded disgraced Shahid Afridi a serial cheat likely to re-offend.

"Cheat is the only word for him," Hair said of Afridi, who was banned for two Twenty20 games for biting the ball at the WACA last Sunday.

"He has cheated before, he has cheated in this instance - he pleaded guilty - and I'm sure he will again. He is no angel.

For good measure:

"He has become a highly overrated player as well. His first innings at international level was a great century but he has lived off that and never really lived up to it."

And finally the last paragraph, which is different to the online version:

There has been no sympathy for his actions in his homeland, with former captains such as Inzamam-ul-Haq claiming he got off lightly.

Mark his words. Inzi Potato knows about getting off lightly.

KOOKING WITH GAS

Captain Crunch is right that all teams tamper. Australia is no exception, except we use more sophisticated methods.

"Haydos's tamper treats are as consistent as his runs."

~~ Justin of Perth

DAVE'S HERE, MAN

Tell me that David James Fraser, the pitch invader from Yangebup, is not stoned to the Bejesus. Looking at that picture I'm convinced it's not a tackle, it's a tickle: "Come on, Khalid, where's your bong?"

Yes, he's now Public Enemy No.1, but what's the bet you, like me, giggle every time you see that picture:

Cricket Australia set to be punished over Waca pitch invader

The International Cricket Council has asked Cricket Australia for a report into the breach of security that allowed a spectator to enter the field of play during Australia's fifth one-day international against Pakistan at the Waca in Perth yesterday and tackle the Pakistan opener Khalid Latif to the ground.

Latif was brought down from behind by 37-year-old David James Fraser but was uninjured. The spectator has been charged with assault and given a life ban from the ground. He was also fined A$500 (£280).

Years ago, about 1978, a bloke who worked in my dad's department at Robe River streaked during a WACA Test. Dad couldn't believe what he was seeing, then he saw the huge tattoo on his date: "That's him alright." The judge, obviously well acquainted with malefactors from the Pilbara, gave him the nominal fine and sent him on his way: "The sun must have fried your brain."

EATING'S CHEATING

CB SERIES: PAKISTAN

Since you are bursting to say something profound about this five match Fifty50 series against Pakistan, you better say it here.

A DULL IN PROCEEDINGS

You, like me, probably think that this period between the Pakistan Tests and the Tests in New Zealand is just a tiny bit of a let down. You'd be right. The Chicken Big Bash and Twenty20 internationals and the Which Bank Fifty50s against Pakistan and the West Indies aren't a patch on any Test series. None of the Windies, Pakistan and EnZed are threatening to take world cricket by storm, but a Test series against any of them is still more interesting, from the AGB's point of view, than any short form appetizer.

Speaking of the Pakistan series, it looks like Group Australia have used it to all but settle their line-up for next summer. Drastic changes for NZ are unlikely; expect wholesale sameness. That means the squad that goes into battle against England in November is pretty much picked.

The selectors will have their fingers tightly crossed that this team is good enough to regain the Ashes. I have already expressed my doubts. (Nor is a loss to NZ out of the question.) If it transpires that our attack can't bowl out England enough times to win one more Test than England, or our batting line-up is still prone to enough collapses to keep the Ashes in English hands, it would be the height of selfish conceit for the selectors to refuse to do the right thing and fall on their bats.

Having said that, can I just say this: footy maths calculate Australia will win the Ashes. We beat South Africa 2-1, England drew with SA 1-1, we should beat England.

Not that I want to lime the hoglight.

RT did a tidy summary of the series and because I am a lazy swine, I will use it, and not my own jottings as a framework from which you can say what you like about the summer just gone, or make wild prognostications about next summer:

So ends the cricket summer, as the ODIs are merely bagfill and the NAB Cup is thankfully not that far away. 5 wins and a draw is about expected given the opposition albeit with a couple of close shaves and some incredible exhibits of poor cricket basics by the Pakis. A few ponderings:

Ritz as equal top wicket taker was a genuine surprise. Good on him as I thought he was only good for 1 spin friendly sub continent test, but if he comes out and shoot blanks next summer then this summer's feats are quickly erased and we should duly expect AGB wrath. Rug came out from behind the...rug. Bowls some Studly like unplayables and doesn't pile on the shit half as much as Stud. Two left armer quicks still needs some getting used to but if they're taking wickets, who gives a toss I guess. It will be interesting when Hilf is fit. Yallourn Sid needs to show something extra.

Klutz has saved his bacon with a half decent summer but Lawry saying something like "great work by Haddin, what a year he has had!" is just so silly. At least he can dine out on that SCG catch.

Norf obviously the main batting concern. The selections for NZ will be intriguing. Siddey media already spruiking Smith, which makes little sense other than tour blooding. I'd like to see Bailey, Cosgrove, White or someone like that who has done some Shield hard yards but is still pre-30. Hussey now in full Hayden-prolonged-career-escape-act mode which, like Hayden, now renders him annoying ever time he walks to the wicket, and in effect may have screwed up his bro's test chances. Ponting showing some amazing stupidity and arrogance for someone so stupid and arrogant by pulling or hooking recklessly early in the innings. If he'd got caught for zip in Tassie imagine the uproar. Richie could have re-invented his "how do you spell kamikaze?" quote about Hiccup Hilditch's compulsive hooking all those year ago.

It would've been about the only decent thing Richie had said this summer. "We must use time as a tool, not as a crutch" as JFK once sadly said about the current Channel 9 team. "Big back Fiery Frank and Tangles!" was JFK's next quote. The 9 team, while constantly improving the vision have made the commentary so bland that the next purchase is a digital radio in the vague hope of remedying "The Delay". The ABC radio team need a rocket as well. Their WA team is downright woeful, Kerry plays up to the crowd too much(his commentary at the SCG on the Bingle car incident...you'd swear he was on some Will Anderson play-the-gags-for-the-uni-students show) and when KOK has a stooge like Mitchell, then you have a real stooge. Langer is too "everyone's a legend, so that make me one" and Flem is hardly even interested in test cricket anymore and is about to marry The Big Bash. Roebuck, incredibly, is the only constantly inciteful guy. Geoff Lawson is surprisingly downright stupid in a lot of the things he says (except for bowling first at the SCG).

Ah well, this was always the fill in summer we had to have after all and offered a few decent test cricket morsels. Can't wait for Nov and the away tests in NZ will be worth a look.

THIRD TEST: BELLERIVE

Rubbery deadness, papery cracks, Dad's Army, Mark Nicholas:

"Michael Hussey, can you hear me? Amazing Adelaide was special, how does Sensational Sydney rate?"

Eggy faces? I usually agree with Peter Lalor, but this article is off the mark:

Michael Hussey, Nathan Hauritz are just two players owed an apology

HAVE you heard the grinding of gears? The screech of claws as the ferret is thrown into reverse?

There comes a time in a summer when it's worth reflecting on the zeitgeist past, the bold predictions and the articles of faith that have underpinned expert analysis, bar room consensus and the popularly held beliefs about the Australian cricket team.

The Sydney Test was the high water mark for exponents of the volte-face, the moment when egg and face were in perfect congress. The time the collective conscience was forced to examine itself.

Gnomish drugs? And the brown nosed one is hallucinating:

SCG victory reminds Justin Langer of Hobart miracle

JUSTIN Langer believes Australia's spectacular second Test victory in Sydney last week will give this developing team the same immense self belief he and his teammates felt when they claimed an astonishing win against Pakistan a decade ago.

THE WRITING GROUP

The performance of the Australian playing group will continue to be debated. The collapsible batting group, the sometimes toothless, sometimes erratic bowling group, the these-Aussies-never-drop-those fielding group, but what about the other group, the writing group? I'm not talking your Baums, Roebucks, Haighs, Cowards, Conns, Craddocks, the cricket poobahs who have been around from WG to WAG and who are paid to give opinions; I'm talking about the reporters who the editors have yet to let off the leash and who, well, report. They seem to be the ones through whom the CricAussie spin machine direct their mis-information.

Jamie Pandaram was the Fairfax reporter charged with regurgitating "really comfortably happy" Tim Nielsen's bare-faced justification about Aussie cricket's "profound" progress.

We ain't buying it:

(Thanks, Pat)

An army of reporters - in many cases "staff writers" - was deployed to convince us of the great non sequitur: that Australia's win on Wednesday "vindicated" Ponting's decision to bat on Sunday.

Many, 55% to be precise, ain't buying that, either:

Public - you're still a lucky Punter

RICKY Ponting's decision to bat first on a grassy wicket in the Sydney Test was not foolish after all.

But cricket fans yesterday continued to blast Ponting and felt the SCG victory did not vindicate his contentious coin-toss call. In an online Daily Telegraph poll, 55 per cent of readers (or 1053 of 1922 votes), felt Ponting still made the wrong move.

On the flip side, I disagree that Ponting was being a wanker when he asked "Can everyone put their hands up please" at the press conference, or at the presentation when he replied "It is now" when Tubby asked whether batting first was a good idea. On both occasions Ponting was good natured. The exchange with Tubby was clearly self-deprecating. In neither instance was there any hint of taunt.

And, judging by the following article, News Limited's Christian Nicolussi is the reporter assigned the task of reassuring any doubting stakeholders, consumers and partners that Michael Clarke is still next in line for the skipper's job (the timing says to me that CA have their own doubts about Clarke's up-to-now unquestioned succession):

Michael Clarke helps Nathan Hauritz to thrive in line of fire

MICHAEL Clarke has again proved his captaincy qualities by inspiring Nathan Hauritz to a final-session five-wicket haul in the Sydney Test.

Hauritz revealed he was nervous before tea after giving up three boundaries in one over.

But after a brief chat with captain-in-waiting Clarke in the SCG dressingrooms, Hauritz composed himself and bowled Australia to a remarkable come-from-behind win against a stumbling Pakistan.

Clarke similarly counselled Mitchell Johnson during the Ashes series, inspiring the paceman to rip through England.

Rip through England? I'm still waiting, hoping, for Johnson to rip through England. Judging by England's latest Nine Wicket Escape, and their limpet-like ability to stick around, I expect to still be waiting at the end of next summer.

Cricket has assumed modern business practice, which revolves around shared information and continued improvement through fault evaluation. It would be refreshing to read what Tim Nielsen thought about Ricky Ponting misjudging his hook-shot or trying too hard to take slips catches with his fingers pointing up, Peter Siddle lacking variation, Nathan Hauritz flirting with no balls. Instead we get mod-gibberish.

Then again, maybe Nielsen did give chapter and verse on the Aussie shortcomings, but the reporter took "profound" as the hook and left what his editor called "the boring bits" out.

Coming soon: Tim Nielsen misquoted out of context.

RITZKRIEG

THE EDGBASTON SYNDROME

You read it here first:

2006:

I wonder when will be the next time either an Aussie or English captain wins the toss and bowls. Around 2035, give or take a year, would be my tip.

2007:

Should Straya win? Probably. Am I nervous about our prospects post Warne & Pidge? Definitely. It could all come down to dropped catches and tosses... and the Shrees just won the toss and will bowl. Given Ponting will never again win a toss and bowl, it was probably a good toss to lose.

2009:

Apart from the obvious, that we lost the 2005 Ashes because Ponting bowled, there is also the flow-on effect: Ponting's mistake back then might cloud his judgement in 2009. You'd hope not. After all the Steve Rouse shenanigans in last week it appears that Ponting is set to judge the pitch on its merits. Hypothetically, what if he wins the toss and the conditions dictate that Australia must bowl? Would we?

We would not.

SECOND TEST: SCG

One down in a three Test series is not a good place to be, but of the four Tests Pakistan have won in Australia two were in Sydney, so don't count them out.

Luckily for Australia, Tim Nielsen is really comfortably happy that Australia has shown profound development and is in a good place going forward:

Nielsen profoundly impressed

AUSTRALIA'S improvement as a cricket side in the past year has been "profound", coach Tim Nielsen said as his side looks to claim its first series of 2010 with victory next week.

After losing two matches — and therefore the series — against South Africa this time last year, Australia came back to win the third match at the start of 2009, then defeat the Proteas in South Africa.

The stumbling block was losing the Ashes, but Nielsen believes overall the team has shown marked improvement with an undefeated home summer thus far.

"The signs we're seeing are much more visible," Nielsen said. "I believe we've been developing as a bowling group and batting group over the last 12 months very nicely."

"We saw from this time last year when we just lost two Test matches to South Africa, the development of the team in the last 12 months has been quite profound."

"I'm really comfortably happy with where we're going as a Test match side."

"It's nice when you have individual players getting five-fors, and going into a last day where everybody sees it as a 50-50 day and you knock the opposition over very quickly...

We've been growing and growing over the last 12 months and the players have been getting better every day."

BACK-CHUCK BACK-FLIP

An assumption: the Saeed Ajmal "back-chuck" blithely dismissed by Spanky Roebuck in today's Age is a ball delivered front-on with the forearm and palm facing away from the batsmen; the arm then flicks forward as if the bowler is flicking a yo-yo away from his face.

Lacklustre Pakistan allows Australia to take early honours

Saeed Ajmal bowled tidily enough but relied too much on his doosra. Bowlers depending on their "other one" for wickets are more comfortably countered than those armed with a formidable main delivery. Ajmal's doosra looks legal under any law, ancient or modern. At worst it is a back chuck, and the laws were not aimed at them. The offie bowled long spells, dropped shorter as the day wore on and suffered the consequences. Spinners are not supposed to be put away square of the wickets as often as the Pakistani.

For Spanky to shrug off Saeed Ajmal's doosra as "at worst a back chuck, and the laws were not aimed at them" is nonsense bordering on a bare-faced lie.

Of course the laws are aimed at the back-chuck, and Spanky knows it. The laws are intended to restrict every action to within 15 degrees of elbow flex.

But, is Spanky really so sanguine about his back-chuck? His current cosy acceptance directly contradicts something he wrote about Murali's doosra in 2004:

Murali must chuck out the doosra

This delivery is an extension of a ball that has been in his repertoire for years. In effect, it is a back chuck because the elbow does straighten.

Undoubtedly the delivery is to be declared illegal, and rightly so, because it is ugly and the elbow does straighten.

Spectators can see the straightening with the naked eye. It was more obvious in Colombo because Murali was tired and then a man's action always deteriorates.

2004: undoubtedly illegal.

2009: the laws were not aimed at them.

I've got a hunch, a well researched hunch, backed by statistics, witness statements and a fly on a wall. Off mike, the commentators have been shit-canning Ajmal's doosra, so Spanky has decided to get in first with his contrary opinion.

(Well spotted, Saggs.)

FIRST TEST: MCG

Smokey Dawson has been on SEN spruiking the great tradition of the Boxing Day Test, which "started at the MCG in 1950 as Australia beat England by 28 runs when Lindsay Hassett starred with 52 and Bill Johnson and Jack Iverson starred with six wickets apiece."

Balls! Surely, to call it a Boxing Day Test it must start on Boxing Day. The 1950 Test started on December 22.

Since 1950 there have been a bare 28 Tests start on Boxing Day. That's 28 out of 59 seasons. The first match to start on Boxing Day wasn't until 1968.

(Full list of MCG Tests.)

Three Tests since 1950 have started on December 24. Why isn't the Christmas Eve Test held in such high esteem? South Africa won in 1952, the West Indies in 1988, but Australia finally won a great victory after "44 years of tireless struggle" in 1994 when Warne took a hat-trick as Australia spanked England.

What about another tradition: Australian batting collapses? The tradition of the Boxing Day Test is a media driven, money-making beat-up, while Australian batting collapses are very real and stretch right back to the 1800s. What's more, the current team is doing a bang-up job of living up to the tradition.