AGB Cricket

SCREECH IMPEDIMENT

Not only is Glen Mitchell a prolific Aussie wicket taker, he's also caught a toxic dose of the Jim Maxwells.

Mitchell, like Maxwell, seems to assume every test match is boring and, as a commentator, feels he has to spruik it up an in the process, ruin the ebb and flow of the match:

"Kumble bowls, Martyn comes forward...

THERE'S AN APPEAL!!!!!!!!

... not out.

Glen, old stoat, it's test cricket, on a dodgy pitch. Ring any bells? No? Well, it's exciting BY ITSELF!!!!!!!! Note my moderate tone. Don't screech when bugger all has happened.

PITCH SLAPPED

Dead Rubber + Chase = Loss

You know something, part of me wishes every test pitch was an absolute shocker. Dodgy ODI pitches nearly always deliver great games, and in tests the cricket is invariably absorbing, but of course, it would mean rampant manipulation, just like this test, leading to a spate of two-day tests, just like this test. Personally, I think there should be more test cricket, not less. Especially if the "less" turns out to be two-day ODIs. Test cricket is so much better, afterall. I like fast bowlers too.

However, that was India's best chance, wasn't it? The plan was to catch the Aussies on minefields in EVERY test, not just this one. Sadly, Australia got the jump in Bangalore, the last day was washed out in Chennai, and then it all went wrong in Nagpur when the pitch was a good one. It's no doubt why Sourav Ganguly was so upset; India weren't playing well and he always knew this Mumbai pitch was going to be a disgrace and he would be denied his best chance to pinch the series.

Ha Ha Ha Ha.

So Australia lost again courtesy of the Dead Rubber Syndrome. Big deal. As soon as Michael Clarke - Micknugget to his mates - took 6 wickets, you knew Australia would struggle, the only disappointment is the Aussies have lost yet another close one, that's a big-time piss-off, but ever since Australia became No.1 they've made an artform of losing these matches.

If it means we stay No.1, long may it continue.

MICKNUGGET

All Aussie cricketers need nicknames. It's the law. Michael Clarke is no exception. Well, except in his case, he needs a mickname. Cough.

Now, if I was a test player, which I'm not, not while I'm awake anyway, no doubt I'd go with something tried and true such as Tugga, Tubby, Warnie, Junior, Pidge, Punter, Pistol, Haydos, Kaspro, Marto, Ritz, Gnome.B.N, Gilly or Gill-Pie ... err Dizzy. So Clarko's the go, or Clarkey.

On the other hand, if I was a fully sick cool dude, I'd be picking Clicketty or The Clarkmeister. Phwoah!

However, because I'm both hip AND boring I've got every angle covered. I give you Michael Clarke ... Micknugget.

Update: Guess what? I just remembered Clarkes are Nobbys not Nuggets. That's several delicate layers of shimmering, subtle humour fallen flatter than a shit-carter's hat. I'm a nobhead.

MOZZIE MOZZIE MOZZIE

Spanky's right, the pitch is a shocker, there's no chance of any batsman getting comfortable and cruising to a big score. This pitch is all about grafting runs.

Which means we don't need the Aussie commentators mozzing even more batsmen than usual.

1) Michael Slater:

"Hayden is looking more comfortable the more he stays there ... He's out."

2) Glen Mitchell:

"India are going to regret dropping Clarke ... He's out."

3) Mitchell again:

"Gilchrist is looking dangerous and is set to cut loose ... He's out."

Just tell us the fuck what is happening now and don't even go near what might happen later, you wicket taking freaks.

20/20 POLITE

I get plenty of ribbing here at the AGB, especially about something like football, but I get very little outright abuse from either nasty commenters or via other blogs. And that's the way I like it. Except for this thread, most of which can be discounted because many comments have the same two IP addresses (203.8.18.2 and 203.1.214.100).

Now I suppose it's hardly the road to Big Blog, afterall these two run popular, and more pointedly, provocative blogs and they cop heaps. Maybe they like it that way, I dunno, but both have excellent sites done in their own style and which may thrive on dissent.

Early this year after seeing some of the shit that goes down in the blogosphere, I decided on a personal policy that I'm not going to get into any shit-fights. Believe you me, there are plenty of times I've felt like jumping in, but even if I've thought something was utter nonsense or worse, way out of line, I've held back because swapping insults on the internet is a bogus and cowardly waste of time. Occasionally I'll let something slip, but that's just that, a slip, and more often than not, a slip-shod attempt at humour.

My point is though, if someone really takes issue with something I've written and feels the urge to step disagreement up to nastiness, they need to have the balls to be nasty to my face*, otherwise I'll just ignore them.

Which brings me to one of my most consistent dissenters, SM. SM get's it just about right. He might think I'm writing utter rubbish, but his comments often express his contrary point of view without ever being rude or derisive and always make me reflect on a post and ask myself; "Did I get that right?" That's a good thing. I like that.

He was at it again yesterday. As soon as I saw he'd commented on my Indian tour post I knew it wasn't going to be anything along the lines of "Jolly good write-up, old cock." It wasn't. He accused me of being a "sore winner". He's wrong, of course ...

Spoken like a true world-class sore winner with the incredibly rare gift of 2000/2000 hindsight. Now you can start working on why Greg Chappel's team were really far, far superior to Clive Lloyd's boys.

Fine work by the aussie cricketers.

Now, I wasn't about to compare Greg Chappell's teams with the Big Cat's, but on reflection, let's have a quick look at the facts.

Greg Chappell took over the captaincy prior to World Series Cricket and his first test as captain was against Pakistan in Brisbane in 1976. He then skippered on and off through to the lone test against Sri Lanka in 1983.

Were we comparing apples for apples, the only two times Chappell.G captained Australia against Cat.B were 1979-80, won 2-0 by the Windies and 1981-82, which was drawn 1-1.

Considering the turmoil that framed Australian cricket through '76 to '83, I deem that a pretty damn good effort, and certainly nothing to be readily dismissed.

On to the alleged "sore-winning".

As you can imagine, I don't consider the post to be sore winning at all. My whole premise is that Australia have played poorly against India since 2001, and India have been allowed to play well. That this time round, Australia did the necessary planning and were probably better captained, although Gilly was more than likely following through the team plan. That India had some dud players. That the Aussie selectors picked the right personel (and, in Warne & McGrath, had them available). And that Australia reaped a comfortable victory against a side that played poor cricket.

There's nothing 20/20 hindsight about all that. It's just a broad summation of the facts. And even if it is 20/20 hindsight, it's a 20/20 hindsight shared by big-time experts closer to the action than me.

Since I made those comments yesterday, there has been plenty of newsprint expended on the opinions of those experts.

Adam Gilchrist:

Planning pays off for visitors

Adam Gilchrist believes the seed was planted for Australia's epic win in India on March 22, 2001. That was the day when India won the third Test in Chennai against Steve Waugh's Australians, snatching a 2-1 series win that had seemed impossible when they were put in for the follow-on when trailing 1-0 in the second match in Calcutta.

After stepping in for the injured Ricky Ponting and becoming the first winning Australian captain here since Bill Lawry in 1969, Gilchrist said the disappointments of three years ago had inspired the players and coach John Buchanan.

"I reckon John Buchanan's mind has been ticking from the moment the game got over in Chennai three years ago," said Gilchrist. "It was very difficult for us to take the foot off the gas then and be patient. Maybe it had something to do with winning 16 games on the trot. But the experience from that certainly helped us here."

The Australians showed a capacity for conservative play when the situation required in this series. All out attack with the bat had to be shelved for more grinding innings on the spin-friendly pitches of the first two Tests, while Australia used run-saving fields and tight bowling to wear down the Indian batsmen.

Mark Waugh:

Difference is, this time they won

Australia has dominated this series, not by some new whiz-bang tactics but by smart, skilful players who have executed simple game plans better than on previous tours.

Brendan McArdle:

Victory for Australian system

When India left here last summer, there was a feeling Australia had met its match. India's batting seemed impregnable and there was always the spectre of quality spin bowling. Now, with the Australians having triumphed so emphatically, it is interesting to look at the reasons for the shift in power.

As shown by the Michael Clarke success story, this series has been a victory for the Australian system of cricket. Australia's planning, selections and approach to the game have been too much for a talented but disjointed opponent.

No doubt the biggest single influence upon the swing in fortunes has been the return of Glenn McGrath and Shane Warne.

Kishor Pradhan:

Don't blame me, says curator

As 65-year-old cricket fan Kishor Pradhan watched Australia grind on towards a seemingly inevitable victory here yesterday, he was as disappointed as most other Indians. The difference was he also had to say: "Don't blame me."

[...]

"It's a good, true track," the whiskered curator said. "It's a good track for batting and bowling. India's batsmen haven't been batting well for a while. They're not performing to their reputation."

Ashley Mallett:

Mallett gives Waugh Indian curry

FORMER Test off-spinner Ashley Mallett has claimed Australia's historic series win in India was due to the fact Steve Waugh was no longer captain of the team.

Despite the fact Waugh is the most successful Test captain in history, Mallett claims Adam Gilchrist captained the team better than Waugh did in India.

"The captains they have now (Ricky Ponting and Gilchrist) aren't as negative as Waugh," Mallett said.

"The last time the team was in India they were up against one bowler in Harbhajan Singh and he didn't have any support . . . they should have won that series easily.

"His captaincy revolved around giving the ball to Warne and McGrath and relying on them taking wickets - he just kept bowling them.

Correspondents:

India axe four players

INDIAN selectors today dumped four team regulars from the national squad for the fourth and final Test match after losing the first home series against Australia in 35 years.

Openers Aakash Chopra and Yuvraj Singh, pace bowler Ajit Agarkar and wicketkeeper Parthiv Patel were dropped from the squad for November 3-7 dead rubber in the western city of Mumbai.

Peter Roebuck:

Final frontier breached

Australia has completed its destruction of a woebegone Indian side. Fuelled by ambition, driven by previous defeats, sustained by skill and playing without compromise, the visitors squashed their foe till the last breath left its body.

Every man played his part in the ruthless execution of an opponent weakened by injuries, poor selection and bad management, and unable to recapture the form of yesteryear. If India did not play well, though, it was partly because Australia did not let it.

Sourav Ganguly's side was put under the microscope and did not survive the examination.

* This does not include commenters with names like Neddy Fuck You (H-Division), Bobby Violent, Redfern or Barry Knife Fight, Texas.

CURATOR STRUNG UP BY GANGULYS

The key moment for me in the just won series against India was the instant Sourav Ganguly complained about the "good" pitch in Nagpur. It was then you knew that he knew, all things being equal, India had no chance. Coincidentally, or maaayyybee not, he then "failed" his fitness test.

Due to the results in India in 2001, there's been a broad expectation that Bor-Gav encounters were going to be close run things. Up to now they have, but is that a true indication of where both sides rate? I say no.

Back in 2001 India didn't so much win the series as Australia lost it. Cavallier fifth-day batting in Calcutta meant the Aussies lost a game they should easily have drawn. However, two things went against them Firstly, Australia made India follow-on and history shows that sides doing so almost invariably make a better fist of it second time around. India did. In spades. Well done by them. Secondly, what's often forgotten is that Australia were looking for an extra day off on a tough tour and more significantly, were chasing a 17th consecutive win. Surely something worth pursuing, but it meant Australia were overly attacking in the face of a confident India on a late roll.

However, in losing that test, Australia handed India the momentum which the locals subsequently carried through to win the third test. A test Australia suddenly had to win to win the series. History shows Australia couldn't stem a resurgent India, who then went on to snaffle the series 2-1. Even then, only just.

What happened in the second test confirms my, and, I suspect, Ricky Ponting's ethos, "Never give a sucker and even break."

India were aided in no small part by a startling bowling performance from Turbanator Harby Singh. While I'm on Singh; he (like most offies) undoubtedly chucks his doosra. Surely it's time for an outright ban of this frightful delivery. A ball which is an utter blight on the game and eats at the very fabric of correct bowling technique.

Down off my soapbox, there was also some appalling umpiring in favour of the locals. One dismissal, Gilchrist's in Calcutta, was as bad as it gets. Adjudged El-bee when the ball pitched well outside leg stump and wouldn't have hit the stumps anyway. What's more, he clearly hit the bloody thing. Although it must be said, Australia have had the better of the umpires this time round.

Most importantly, the pitches were typically sub-continental in nature, which meant Australia's fast bowling strength was negated. Steve Waugh didn't help the Aussies cause by setting consistently attacking fields which allowed Laxman, Dravid and co to score freely. A folly starkly exposed by this latest Aussie team who have emphasised line, length and containment. In short, stifling pressure.

Last summer in Australia the home team again played to their own tune and suffered as a result.

India were able to plan accordingly and bowled to Australia's arrogance. The simple fact a bowler of Pura standard (at best) such as Aggy Aggy was able to run through Australia in the second innings in Adelaide and then take more that 15 wickets overall meant Australia weren't playing appropriate attention to detail. They consistently fell into simple Indian traps.

Australia, also without Warne and McGrath, again set attacking fields and without a proper cutting edge on generously tame pitches simply weren't able to contain India's batsmen. Containment is no doubt the main reason Stuart MacGill wasn't selected for the current tour.

The Aussies should have been able to contain India. Dravid is correct but slow, Wee Wee lacks application, but is a confidence player who, if you give up easy runs, will steamroll you. Ganguly is suspect on and about off stump. Chopra merely making up numbers and Verandah Shag, is as I've said before, a rank park tonker. One of the worst high scoring batsmen in test history and surely it's a matter of time before he gets fully found out as a fraud. That leaves Tendulkar as their bona fide gun, but who over the last few years, has lacked his early spark and, what's more, is playing accross his front pad.

And don't get me started on Australia's catching.

Anyway, this time around Australia decided it was time the boot was on the other foot. Sensibly set fields to the likes of Laxman, Dravid, Ganguly and Sehwag meant India being unable to score freely and, as a result, being forced into mistakes. A sweeper and a deep off-side field to Verandah might appear defensive, but it's his main avenue to runs and once cut off, it was only a matter of time before he did something daft. India are a confidence team and if you are able to play on their minds, they will struggle. I wonder if India saw it coming because Ponting did the same thing in Sri Lanka. Incidentally, that was a far more entertaining series.

Australia also allowed Hayden and Langer to have a lash early, but if that didn't pay off, Katich, Clarke and Martyn are all capable and comfortable middle order batsmen capable of soaking up the loss of early wickets, and more importantly were able to play Kumble and Harby with soft hands. Martyn, in particular, curtailed his dubious off-side wafts and instead played late and deftly flicked the ball into the leg-side. A terrific sign of a batsman prepared to learn from his mistakes.

Australia also had the huge advantage of Parti Boy Patel behind the stumps who MUST be a leading candidate for this year's Alan Border Medal. However, Adam Gilchrist, prior to the third test, was poor behind the stumps also.

Nope, for me, once it had become apparent Australia had decided to modify their (Steve Waugh's) attacking, but rigid, game-plan and instead play the pressure game, not giving India any easy breaks, the result hinged upon India successfully using their spinners to run through Australia on accomodating pitches.

I'm tipping that when Sourav saw the Nagpur pitch, he knew the jig was up.

COME ON MOZZIE COME ON

Rain is pounding down like a machine
and the groundsman's making divots in the green

He also has a giant tarpaulin, strangely coloured urns - ewers to the crossword affectionados among you -and, as a god fearing soul in a mysterious land, he'd know you never doubt the colossal power of the mozz.

Picked primarily because I've not seen "universal duality" used in a cricket article, the Varmint does the honours:

The beautiful Test

It is a universal duality: the mind that seeks out perfection, the heart that yearns for beauty. This Chennai Test was not one for the mind – it was marred by dropped catches, missed stumpings, nervous errors, and a rained-out day – but it was one that will be remembered fondly for years. Two opponents who respect each other met in a crucial match, one that the series hung upon, and played with passion and fire. They battled the demons within them and the heat that came from the sun, and refused to bow down. Time and again this Test match turned, like a spinning top swaying from side to side but refusing to fall either way, just rotating relentlessly. In the end, sadly, it stayed suspended, as the rain fell, depriving the Test of a result, which it deserved.

Of course, there was absolutely no doubt the result would have gone Australia's way, and just like the second Test at the MCG in 1985, the Australian's were once again ... ahem ...  cruelly denied by the weather.

CHEWY ON YOUR BAT

Time to pull down some top shelf mozz.

It's amazing how often a game of cricket can turn on one single stroke of pissant tinny luck.

After another day of proving just how far they've fallen in the catching caper, Australia put their collective heads down and had ground out a servicable lead, but right when the game was there to go either way, right when fifty each from Boof Lehmann and Michael Clarke would have tilted the game strongly in Australia's favour, Boofhead managed to give his wicket away to the worst ball Anil Kumble's ever bowled. As classic a case of that old cricket maxim, "shit gets wickets", as ever there was. To top it off, Boof's gently lobbed cue-end snick, instead of making a fieldsman work, went straight to Parti Boy Patel who was able to drag in what was for him, an absolute blinder. In fact, it looked as though he couldn't believe he caught it. Hack. It's not right a team should lose a test to a side with a wicket-keeper as bad as Parti Boy. It's just not right. It's wrong.

Lehmann's dismissal meant the Aussies weren't able to send their innings into the fifth day, and with the pitch playing as well as any subcontinental fifth day pitch has ever played, the Indian dead-track specialists are set for a comfortable victory, because there is no way -- MOZZ! -- the Aussies are going to rip through them. And anyway, if Verandah Slog, the best rabbit batsman in test history, gets going, the Indians will win by lunch.

Fackin' Lehmann, feel free to drop yourself right now.

By the way, Stacky and Glen Mitchell need their passports revoked. No. Let's not go light here, they need to be made to guzzle Indian water and then tied to a chair with a pack of Imodiums placed agonizingly just out of reach. They virtually wished for the two wickets that fell before tea merely to prove Mr Submarine right. Not even Tim Lane, Australia's greatest wicket taker, would tempt that kind of fate. They have no idea.

Pssst. Cricket's the best game in the world.

THE SHRIEK OF TWEAK

Whether batting, bowling or fielding, Turbanator Harbhajan Singh has always looked as though his head's about to explode, it's probably why he wears a turban, to keep his brain(s) roughly in place.

However, if what Glenn McGrath says about Turby is accurate -- you get the impression the Aussies are trying to play it down -- then it's absolutely staggering the umpires or match refs haven't stepped in to discipline the Indian spinner.

It doesn't take too much imagination, well, none really, to guess the reaction if the Australians carried on like this clown.

And you can almost hear the critics overseas gearing up for a healthy lash of "The Aussies can hand it out, but they can't take it", but to be frank, Harby sounds like a complete fuckin' idiot:

'Ignore' sledging Sikh

GLENN McGRATH has urged Australia to adopt fresh tactics against the non-stop "screaming abuse" of sledging Sikh Harbhajan Singh . . . just grin and bear it.

Harbhajan, the combative off-spinner who uses his broken English to abuse Australian batsmen, is loathed by the tourists, who themselves are considered world leaders in the art of verbal combat.

Harbhajan has become so cocky that, while batting, he even applauded Shane Warne reaching his century for runs conceded in the first Test at Bangalore.

Later he told match officials he did not feel he should have to face up at the batting crease while Warne was doing on-field cheerleading with lines like "c'mon Australia".

Damien Martyn complained to match umpires Steve Bucknor and Billy Bowden about Singh's conduct but McGrath believes to lock swords with Harbhajan is to lose the battle.

It is understood the chatter was so non-stop Harbhajan was even sledging the Australians as he was running in to bowl.

"Marto said at one stage he was just screaming abuse," McGrath said.

"You don't mind getting sledged but he seems to be going non-stop all day. Whether that's the way he works at his best, he seems to get himself fired up.

"We have to smile at him a bit more. He feeds off us getting immersed in it. We have to try and take that away from him.

"He doesn't mind having a chat, especially when he has just got a batsman out. A lot of times I think if it was one of us there would be more done about it but he seems to have a pretty good attitude.

"He plays aggressively, even when he bats. He is confident at the moment and confidence breeds that mentality.

DEA ... NOOOOOO

Dean Jones. Awful. Just ... awful.