AGB Cricket

REPORTTS OF HIS DEATTH HAVE BEEN GREATTLY MISSPELLED

There's no "t" in Richie.

Hats off, Doyen.

Whenever you hear a commentator over the next few days saying he was inspired by Richie, keep it in mind that he is talking rubbish since it is extremely unlikely the commentator is erudite, well spoken and economical with his descriptions.

My favourite Richie: "Probably reminding them he's missed a few earlier in the series."

A WOMAN IS ONLY A WOMAN, BUT A GOOD COMMENTATOR IS A BLOKE

That is the kind of comment that will be aired this summer as Meg Lanning joins Nine to call the Matador BBQs Cup (no, I've never heard of them either):

Meg Lanning to break glass ceiling in Channel Nine cricket commentary box

Meg Lanning, the Australian women's captain, will take a big step into a male bastion this summer when she joins the Channel Nine commentary team.

Lanning's commentary will no doubt run into the same static as Kellie Underwood's stint on Ten footy. Some will bag her outright for being a girl - "what would sheeee know" - but many more will try to couch their criticism (envy) in disingenuous terms. "She doesn't read the game," was a common refrain among fellow commentators at assorted media outlets. Really, though, it was a turf war. She had the gig, mates of mates wanted the gig.

Underwood was not my cup of tea, but, how many commentators are? How many read the game? How many commentators tell you something you don't know? There is a dreadful lack of depth in Australian commentary. Underwood was no better or worse than 90% of the other footy commentators. There are maybe half a dozen who stand out, but several dozen more who are mere noise.

Will Lanning be better than Slatts, Heals, Braysh, Tubbs, Sumptuous and the rest of Nine's wacky funsters, suck-ups and shills. All of them showed promise until they were infected by Nine's signature style: oaf. And what of Favelli? He's a fantastic cricket person and talks a lot of sense about the caper, but stick him in the Nine box... wouldn't it be great if Lanning fired up the crusty old grump.

My one caveat would be Lanning's age. She seems young to be talking to the cricket public about cricket. Sexism is a given, 22 invites ageism. But then querulous oldsters are not Nine's target demographic for the Barby Cup.

BLOKENISM

Is Luke Darcy ever called the "token bloke" when he commentates netball? I ask only because Kelli Underwood was certainly called the "token chick" when she commentated footy on Ten. True gender equality will only be reached when there is equal tokenism.

Personally, I have no issue with the gender of the commentator. If s/he is good enough, s/he should commentate.

What upsets me about a commentator is not the gender, but the reasons given by blokes as to why chicks should not commentate. Back when Underwood was on Ten, Mick McGuane (on RSN, which was then 927 Sports where Nadia Horne must feel rather lonely, unless Deane Lester is also a woman) was asked what he thought about Underwood's work. McGuane replied that he did not like her because she could not predict the play. His on-air colleagues failed to follow up with the obvious question: which blokes can predict the play? Out of the 1,295 (yes, I checked the Census) commentators commentating AFL footy in 2013 hardly any predict the play or even convey a sense of where the ball might go. Despite commentators regularly patting their on-air colleagues on the back and telling each other how brilliant they are ("best in the business" gets a hammering), there are staggeringly few good commentators, and even fewer who predict the play. It is hard to believe a bloke criticising a chick is less about style and more about disputed turf. McGuane used to commentate footy on Seven, but got the elbow when Seven realised there was not enough airtime in the universe to accommodate a McGuane sentence. I would have had more time for Mick's opinion if he had said he did not like Underwood's bogan accent, but if he had done that he would have opened up a whole can of Pandoras vis-a-vis blokes and bogan accents.

Angela Pippos, who used to host the breakfast show on 927 until she got the flick, and who does not have a bogan accent, yesterday turned her attention to female commentators and cricket:

Nine’s boys club is stifling cricket

It’s shameful a country that worships sport treats women who love cricket so shabbily. Are you seriously telling me there isn’t one woman in this country capable of occupying a spot on the Channel Nine commentary team?

Questions.

Do women aspire to be like Tubby, Heals, Slatts and Warnie? And if so, why? Or has Pippos deployed a cheeky tongue?

Did Stephanie Brantz cop the cold shoulder from just the players? The way I heard it, she copped the cold everything from most of the Nine commentators too. The Big Bash players on Foxtel seem more than happy being interviewed by women. Not that Brantz appears to have too many objections; publically, anyway.

Did Brad McNamara tell Pippos she should flip burgers. "And if you can't stand the heat, get over to the drive-through window." 

Was Kate Fitzpatrick a tokenistic appointment, or was she there to provide a woman's perspective? No doubt many would suggest a tokenistic appointment and women's perspective tautologous, but with so many women watching cricket surely a tokenistic perspective, I mean, women's perspective would be a welcome adornment, sorry, addition to the commentary. On the other hand, with so many women watching cricket, Nine doubtless thinks it has the right mix of identical commentators.

I'LL BELIEVE IT WHEN I DON'T HEAR IT

These things always seem to work themselves out:

First Test may not be on radio as deal with ABC in doubt

WITH the first Test six days away, Cricket Australia and the ABC have still not signed a contract for the broadcast rights. If the deal is not done, there may be no radio coverage of the Brisbane Test.

Anyone got an opinion on how the AFL stream works? It's never smooth firing up the footy at AFL.com, but once you are on board it is easy enough to switch between games. As long as you are not actually at the footy. Internet coverage is pretty shitful at the MCG and the Dumb. Not that I can imagine myself switching between the AW and ABC streams for the cricket.

MONEY TALKS, PERSONAL REASONS WALK

Is Tim Lane still in the same relationship he was 10 years ago?

Lover's Lane

"I met a wonderful woman two years ago. She has a family so we have had our hands full just seeing enough of each other to make a relationship work.

I only ask because:

Fairfax Radio to field ex-Australian skippers

[Fairfax Cricket] will be led by Tim Lane, a Fairfax Media columnist and the former voice of cricket on the ABC who calls AFL on 3AW, and Melbourne-based commentator and journalist Bruce Eva, with another Fairfax columnist Dean Jones and former fast bowler Damien Fleming.

Ten years ago the Australian Test team was dominant, but now we cannot afford cheap wickets, which, at the drop of a bat, prompt massive collapses. So fingers crossed Tim has lost his magic touch for taking Aussie wickets.

"Clarke looks set for another big score... he's out."

TEST MATCH SPECIAL K

Remember when Slug Jordan and Henry Blofeld commentated the cricket on commercial radio in the late 1980s? "Bloody awful shot, Blowers." "Well, yes, I think you may have a point there, Slug old thing."

Howzat! ABC radio loses exclusive cricket rights

The ABC will lose its exclusive rights to Test cricket in Australia, with  radio stations 2UE and 3AW to cover the game alongside the national broadcaster,  starting with this summer’s Ashes series.

Dennis Cometti was also involved; I can't really remember what he was like, but he was fantastic on the ABC in Perth Tests in the late 1970s. I used to think it was on 3AW, but it may have been 3AK. Obviously it did not work out for station management because it only lasted a couple of years. For me the main problem was the ads, which ran between overs and after wickets, just like on Channel Nine, which meant there was no chance for the commentators to waffle like the ABC, which is the best thing about the radio coverage. Why would you listen to cricket on AW when you can listen ad free on the ABC? I guess the question is: what can commercial radio offer which is an improvement on ABC radio? Mind you, MMM and the Big Bash are a match made in hell - I never listen to either.

IT GETS RIGHT UP MY GLOAT

In 2009 Sky was insufferable. Not much different this time around. But I agree with Larry, I did not mind Ian Botham last night. (Can't believe I wrote that.) His stint with Mikey was good value. Beef is usually dire and Mikey appears to be there because he has an attactive voice. AND! I may even have detected trace elements of humour in Botham's commentary. Don't tell Ian Chappell; he will never talk to me again or, in fact, at all:

Smug, gloating English commentators - what did we do to deserve this?

Tuning in to the British Sky Sports coverage of the Ashes Tour – masquerading here as both the Nine/Gem and Fox Sports coverage – is a humbling experience. For example, on the second day of the first Test, it was imprinted on one’s mind, via Mike Atherton and others, that James Anderson and Graeme Swann were among the greatest proponents of the bowling arts in Earthly history. At least they were in the commentary, which appeared thin on analysis and description but very well-stocked for gloating Englishmen.

Love the picture of Nasser, too, and its caption.

SCAPE ROTE

How many times does one have to bang ones head against a wall to get the point across that informed player rotation is a symptom, not a cause. If Australia had a strong, injury free bowling attack it would not rotate:

Test player rotation ends: James Sutherland

MICKEY Arthur isn't the only one paying the price for Australian cricket's poor reputation with chief executive officer James Sutherland promising fans there would be no more rotation in Test matches.

“Looking ahead to the Ashes series that we will see in England and next summer in Australia you won’t see any of that rotation policy in the fashion that we have in the past. It (rotation) is about providing opportunity for players in a team that’s in transition so that selectors can give players an opportunity at international level to see how they cope with that and to respond.”

On a more sinister note, it is interesting to read Stakeholders Sutherland had indeed negotiated player rotation with the broadcaster(s). Which of these three do you think holds the most sway? Which is the bigger, ahem, stakeholder?

The controversial rotation policy has upset fans, commentators and broadcasters in recent times and its death will not be widely mourned.

You can now see why Stakey was guarded in his comments vis-a-vis Nine and rotations. Yes, he has made a distinction between the one dayers and the Tests, but it is nevertheless a concession CA made concessions to Nine.

And you also already know what I think about "transition".

VALUED BROADCAST SELECTOR

Nine's Jeff Browne escalates last summer's imbroglio over player rotation:

Nine wants say in selection

''people at home want to see the best players playing and we urge Cricket Australia to pick the best players every time … we've got to have the best players on the paddock to rate''

''I think we've got a better understanding on that. Last year that balance was skewed too much in favour of resting some players so from now on there will be a lot more discussion between CA and the broadcaster about that.''

''We don't mind paying if we can get some value for it.''

I maintain what I wrote in January: it would be staggering if CA had allowed Nine to influence team selection, informally or otherwise. Nevertheless, while Stakeholders Sutherland's riposte begins robustly it trails away with its "common goal" equivocation. No mention of the "despicable" he brandished after Cow Corner Warner snotted Dudley Root:

''Cricket has a long-standing and successful relationship with the Nine Network but team selections and scheduling are matters for Cricket Australia.''

''The national selection panel selects the Australian teams. With the volume of international cricket being played, it will continue to be necessary for us to manage player workloads appropriately. We'll continue to consult with our broadcasters on scheduling issues.''

''It's something we have always done. We have a common goal with our broadcast partners to maximise the number of fans watching and enjoying cricket. We'll consider all ideas and then make the appropriate decisions.''

CA has bought into a whole heap of fiasco if it has entered into any kind of agreement with Nine to allow the valued broadcast partner to influence team selection. But even the mere impression CA and Nine may have entered into such an agreement, or that Nine is driving selection is just as damaging. Maybe that's Browne's gambit: ratchet up pressure on CA to ditch rotations. (Of a more general nature: just how much does public posturing influence official decision making?)

Related articles

CA denies Channel Nine will have say in team selection

CA denies Nine's selection influence

Nine wants say in cricket selection

CA rejects TV influence over team pick

Nine wants a say in selection

CA rejects 9 cricket selection influence

SERIOUSLY?!? TEN?!?

It's all happening there:

Channel Ten makes bold play for TV rights

Channel Nine may be closer to losing the television rights to international cricket in Australia than at any time in the past 33 years, after their rival Ten made a bold combined bid for both international and BBL matches as a way to revitalise the recently moribund network.

ALL RIGHTS ALREADY

Gideon Haigh fillets Nine:

Oh, for a Kerry Packer: while cricket marches on, Nine marks time

Televised cricket in Australia is overdue another such refreshment, and little about Nine at present suggests it is culturally equipped to provide it. What the network needs perhaps is more people thinking like Kerry Packer rather than simply trying to sound like him.

It is almost impossible for me to concieve of anyone else having the rights, even though I can remember when the ABC televised the cricket. Nine also have that stupid "last bid" clause in their contract. So, despite Nine's finances being down the toilet, I reckon they will retain the rights with my prediction based tenuously on Gideon's point that Stakeholders & his chummies at CA kepts shtum when McNamara potted Bailey.

It is in the Australian, so you need to be signed up. If you are not signed up, get stuffed.

STILL THE ONE OFF THE WRIST

Well, I for one welcome Channel Nine sledging Australia's cricketers, thereby removing all doubt in the opinions of cricket fans that Nine really is a pack of wankers:

Mac attack: George Bailey would be 'flipping burgers' without Nine's money

"Nowhere has Channel Nine ever talked the one-day game down, nowhere have we ever said this is a 'B team'. It's rubbish and George should stick to playing cricket and leave (television) rights to the people who know what they're talking about.

"I reckon he's got his hands full as it is. He needs to concentrate on staying in the side. And he needs to understand where his money's coming from. "Without the TV rights deal, George is probably working in a coalmine or flipping burgers at McDonald's."

"All this talk about the death of one-day cricket, it's not coming from us. Given we were lacking star quality, we were very happy with those figures."

How long before McNamara gets tuned by Nine management, apologises (sort of), then issues a clarification?

YOU'RE TAKING THE FOOD OUT OF MY NETWORK'S MOUTH

Bailey whacks Nine's 'tactic'

AUSTRALIA'S acting captain, George Bailey, believes Channel Nine is deliberately talking down one-day cricket to secure a favourable broadcast deal.

''I can probably understand it coming from Channel Nine. They are going into negotiations about the TV rights and I think that was a pretty tactical move to try to talk down one-day cricket and what the Australian team is putting out.''

Australia has been rotating the bi- and tri-series teams since we lost the 1996 World Cup and Cricket Australia decided the likes of Tubby Taylor could not dissect the Dijon in the 50 over format. Look back through the archives (general, not here) and you will probably find that every time the rights came up for negotiation Steve Crawley or his predecessors at Nine complained about the make-up of the F50 side.

By the way, while you are knee deep in archives (specifically here at the AGB this time) you will also find those rotations conduced (thanks, Gideon) a commotion. Trouble is the rumpus is always framed as though it is the first time rotations have been an issue. "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to re-write it anew." You'll get a pass this time since the latest brouhaha involved the Test team and although rotations, horses for courses and advanced man management looking forward have been mooted for some time, Mitchell Starc's rotation was the first time the NSP has followed through, and left me scratching my head. No, not Siddle and Hilfenhaus.

Anyway, George Bailey might want to give Stakeholders Sutherland a heads up next time he obliques Cricket Australia's official and valued broadcast partner. Perhaps he did.

STAKEHOLDER BUY-IN

Cricket Australia's El Jefe, Stakeholders Sutherland, joins the fray:

Channel 9 furious over selection of Australia's second string one-day side

Cricket Australia chief executive James Sutherland played down the lack of big names in the squad.

“It’s only the first two games of the series. In the fullness of time we’ll see who plays in the one-day series. It’s only been picked for two games so I don’t see what the big issue is about that. The selectors made it pretty clear that the three guys who are rested (Clarke, Warner and Wade) will be back fresh in the not too distance future.”

Sutherland denied the Australian one-day side had been devalued.

Stakeholders can deny it all he likes, but it is plain as the nose on your bottom line that, for at least 15 years, Australia has been using the tri-series as trial matches for future projects.

Australian fans, the target beneficiaries of CA's innovative pricing strategies, might be dumb, but they are not stupid. Crowds have tailed off since the 1990s - why should punters take the tri-series seriously if CA does not take the tri-series seriously?

THE NINING

The only thing more horrific than Michael Hussey being compared to Jack Nicholson, is the prospect of Channel Nine picking the Australian side "from an entertainment point of view."

It would be staggering if Nine had any influence over team selection, but we've all seen the futuristic tru-life sports documentary Rollerball - if you have to ask "which one?" you are reading the wrong blog - and are aware of the weight the big end of town can wield when it comes to what happens on the pitch, gridiron, field or body and bike strewn roller rink.

Nine fears an ODI ratings blow

CHANNEL Nine has reacted with bemusement to the omission of Michael Hussey and David Warner from Australia's one-day squad, concerned it dilutes the appeal of the series against Sri Lanka.

''From an entertainment point of view, and as a fan, I struggle to understand how those two are not in the side,'' said Steve Crawley, the network's director of sport. ''There is no doubt we've got to bring in new players - I think that's a good thing - but I don't get leaving out Warner and Hussey. When my kids play in the yard, they're David Warner and Michael Hussey. And as far as Michael Hussey goes, he's Jack Nicholson if you're making a movie. I'm into the romance of it all but I think we should be celebrating his final summer all the way.''

SERIOUSLY, NINE?

Yesterday during The Luncheon Adjournment Cricket Show the Australian players were challenged to list the "10 methods of dismissal". Eventually they arrived at Nine's 10:

1. Bowled
2. Caught
3. Stumped
4. Run out
5. LBW
6. Hit wicket
7. Timed out
8. Obstructing the field
9. Mankad
10. Handled ball

There were yuks a-plenty as the players muddled their way to ten. There were no yuks a-plenty at Nine's flimsy grasp of the dismissals.

Firstly, Nine said hitting the ball twice was not a mode of dismissal. Secondly, Nine ticked off a Mankad as a stand-alone method of dismissal when it is a run out. Has Nine heard of the word research?

Nor was there any mention of "retired - out" which is a slightly different kettle of kippers, but an "out" nevertheless.

For the record, the 10 methods of dismissal are:

1. Law 30: Bowled
2. Law 31: Timed out
3. Law 32: Caught
4. Law 33: Handled the ball
5. Law 34: Hit the ball twice
6. Law 35: Hit wicket
7. Law 36: Leg before wicket
8. Law 37: Obstructing the field
9. Law 38: Run out
10. Law 39: Stumped

THE GHOST IS WALKING

Many commentators arrive on the scene, find their feet, develop a style, get parodied, then become a self-parody. Bill Lawry is one of the few - and off the top of my head I cannot think of anyone else - who started as a self-parody:

Bill Lawry to retire from the commentary box at end of summer Test series

HE has been in our loungerooms for the past 35 years but legendary cricket commentator Bill Lawry is about to pull up stumps.

Lawry, 75, has told friends he will retire from Channel 9's commentary team after the upcoming home series against Sri Lanka.

Much loved by every Australian cricket fan, Lawry's retirement will be met with enormous sadness.

Not legendary to me, nor much loved. Much lingered, more like. If I compiled a list of favourite commentators Bill would not be in my top 50 and I would struggle to name 50. What's more, his status as a much loved commentator is a fabrication of the Nine publicity department, and an enabler for the next generation of commentators to go LCD after the oaf demographic.

Not that Bill is totally incapable of the odd pearler.

OLD YELLERS

A couple of good articles in the Age about the shouting, hype and all-round knuckleheadedness of the Nine "commentators":

Ears bashed flat as cricket peaks

As the second Test wended its way to a draw, its concluding overs were somewhat spoilt for some viewers, due to a number of men yelling at them like stall-holders near closing time at a fruit 'n' veg market.

Too much fizz a sad commentary

LAST weekend, the OzTam TV tracker assures us, about 800,000 Australians were confronted with cricket commentator Michael Slater, sporting a giant Vodafone watermelon on his head.

NOW IS THE WINTER OF OUR CONTENT

Apropos to yesterday's post about the convergence of spin, advertising, "content" and news - Rob Steen:

India's board flexes its muscles because it can

So Samuel's failing, it seems reasonable to conclude, lay in not being Indian. Criticism always hurts more when it emanates from without. Hence the growing tendency of English f***ball clubs, padded to the gills with in-house programme- and website editors and PR flunkies, to ban reporters who have the temerity to suggest that not everything in the garden is rosy.

These are dangerous times for sportswriters, for journalists period. In England, home to the planet's most relentlessly competitive newspaper market, and hence many of its less savoury tactics, the phone-hacking activities of several of the profession's leading practitioners have seen calls for statutory regulation gain unprecedented momentum. Further curbs on press freedom are eminently possible. At a time when governments worldwide are seeking with ever greater fervour to quell the vaguest murmur of dissent, reinforced by a mushrooming army of damage controllers bent on keeping the public as clueless as possible; a time when the BBC, a hugely powerful media tentacle paid for by taxpayers, cancels a programme whose makers had the bare-faced audacity to attempt to tell the truth about a national icon, the consequences for democracy could be fearful.

Ohh, and hello to you, too, AFL.

LOVE POTION CHANNEL NINE

A lot of love for "Nine's storied team" in the papers lately:

Some of the things we read in the papers is news. The rest – the majority – just looks like news.

The best definition of real news was coined by Harry Evans, former Sunday Times editor.

‘Something someone somewhere doesn’t want you to hear. The rest is advertising.’

Anyway:

Testing the boundaries

THE absence of Tony Greig was conspicuous as Channel Nine began its 36th year broadcasting Australian cricket last week. Along with Richie Benaud, Ian Chappell and Bill Lawry, Greig is synonymous with Nine's coverage of the nation's summer sporting pastime.

The profile of Richie in the SMH, the profile of Richie on Nine last week, now this puff piece in the Green Guide. Anyone would think the rights were up for grabs.

Notwithstanding anyone actually calling the Green Guide a "news" outlet and not The Un-Official Partner's "content business".

MUTE POINT

From the little play I have watched so far of the First Test I watched 99% on mute. So would you rate the Channel Nine commentary as highly as Spiro Zavos rates the Channel Nine commentary?

Great day for South Africa and Channel Nine coverage

I followed the Test mainly on Channel Nine. And I would assert the coverage was, in a word often used by Richie Benaud, “splendid!”

The only Nine commentary I listened to was the last half hour last night on GEM, when Ian Healy was busy making up stories about running onto the Gabba when Keith Stackpole made 200 in 1970. 42 years ago Heals was 6. I call bullshit.

Spiro then appears to commit publicity when he writes about a "(deserved) tribute to Benaud" and how WSC changed the game forever and for better so that it is now better to watch, and how the extra cameras, snicko, coloured clothing, super slo-mo, and the rest, are the bee's knees. I mean, come on. How often do we need to be told that Nine saved cricket? Even if it's true it's not new; Nine has been bragging about the WSC innovations since, well, WSC.

He also reckons Glenn McGrath delivered "informed commentary" and will fit in well with a team that is "strong on analysis and information." That flies in the face of the majority of comments I have heard and read, which amounted to "tell us something we haven't just seen for ourselves" and a Rocky to Bullwinkle-style "not that old joke".

Coincidentally, the SMH also profiled Richie Benaud last week. Looks like the Nine publicity department has been, ahem, up and about.

FOR FOLK'S SAKE!

Sumptuous makes "memorable exchanges" sound like a good thing:

Greig has played devil's advocate in the Channel 9 commentary box for as long as anyone cares to remember, taunting his great friend Bill Lawry, in particular, to a catalogue of memorable exchanges that have built the folklore of Channel 9's coverage of the game. It is a part he relishes. But Australia is home. He neither forgets this nor is anything but grateful for it. Indeed, he would not swap the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney for the world. There may be an element of love/hate to his on-screen relationship with Australian audiences but, in truth, the suggestion of hate is more vaudeville than fact. Greigy is a much-loved part of the landscape.

DELAYED TESTCAST

Nine's Steve Crawley is right - the Perth Test is great viewing on the east coast because it falls into a more viewer friendly time, which of course means bigger bananas for the Official Broadcaster. Speaking of which, while the push is on from Stakeholders Sutherland to play the Brisbane, Adelaide, Sydney, Melbourne and Hobart Tests in the evening, pending a suitable ball, it will be ironic that the only Test not shifted to day-night will be the Perth Test.

With night Test matches, the times really are a changin’

Test cricket is potentially to undergo one of the most dramatic changes in its 135-year history. After being lobbied, principally by Cricket Australia, the ICC has agreed to the concept of day-night Test cricket.

Not surprisingly, the long-term TV broadcaster of the sport in Australia, the Nine Network, is delighted with the ICC’s latest pronouncement.

Nine has been pressing the issue with CA for many a year with their focus purely on the cash register.

Each summer the network gets effectively one day-night Test for its east coast audience with the staging of the Perth Test.

As Nine’s Head of Sport, Steve Crawley, said yesterday, “We always enjoy the Perth Test because it comes back into the eastern states in prime time, and I have always thought it’s only a matter of time. I can’t see a downside to it from an entertainment point of view”.

(I still struggle to get my head around Nine delaying east coast one-dayers into Perth.

STILL THE OTHER ONE

Nine takes block, defends its pitch

WHILE Channel Nine insists there won't be a shake-up, an injection of fresh faces means life in its commentary box could become a tight squeeze if it secures a new agreement with Cricket Australia.

Nine insiders are confident it will fend off a challenge from Channel Seven to retain the rights to the three forms of the game - Tests, one-dayers and Twenty20.

Hard to imagine cricket on Seven. Everyone pretty much agrees the Ninesters are long in the tooth, but if CricAussie switched to Seven (or Ten) you'd still get reamed by the host broadcaster and all its broadcast partners (Bunnings, Solo, KFC, Ford, etc). Seven could replace Nine's "summer of cricket" jingle with Fanfare for the Common Man. At least the viewers' biggest gripe - the Six O'Clock Swill - has been dumped. Hard to see Seven bringing that back.

Assuming Seven would point the cameras in the right direction - something that cannot be taken for granted on current footy form - who would it put in the box? There just aren't that many good cricket commentators out there. Can't see them importing anyone from Nine, even if Virus Tawny does have a knack for popping up everywhere. Dennis Cometti is a tops cricket commentator and Seven may pinch someone like BJ from Fox, but as with footy, the cupboard is light on for true talent. I'd opt for a stronger mix of professional commentators and journalists and take a scythe to the former players.

DINSDALE PACKER

He split open nostrils, sawed off legs, pulled out livers, screwed pelvises to cake stands and nailed heads to coffee tables, but he was a smashing bloke who used to buy his mother flowers and that. "He was like a brother to me."

"The portrayal of Kerry as a constant bully and user of foul language is far from the truth. He could bully. I saw him on many occasions rise up like an out-of-control bull elephant and reduce a grown man to tears. I heard him swear like a storm trooper when out of control. But I never saw him chuck a plate of food."

Meanwhile, the rest of the article supports the notion that King Spruiker Dennis Lillee would say anything for money, and nothing unless he was paid.

THE MINISERIES THAT SAVED NINE

Brendan McArdle puts perspective to Howzat:

Fine edge lost in Howzat 's history

IT'S ALMOST 35 years since cricket's biggest revolution, and tonight's launch of Channel Nine mini-series Howzat is sure to intrigue and evoke nostalgia in cricket fans. But we might just need to brace ourselves for a solid dose of World Series Cricket propaganda.

According to Lachy Hulme, who plays Kerry Packer, the big fella didn't just change cricket, he ''saved it''. Well, as an avid follower of the game - and at that stage three matches into a brief stint playing Sheffield Shield cricket - some of us might feel well placed to challenge such sweeping statements.

Jesse Hogan does the background:

When cricketers saw the light

AT A TIME where the trickle of players eschewing international cricket for more lucrative Twenty20 competitions is considered the major spectre on the horizon for cricket administrators, the period where the game’s elite defected en masse is about to surge back into prominence.

Jennie Curtain does Greg Chappell, so to speak:

Chappell recalls the cuts, drives and blood

He had the moustache, the bad shirts and the flares: Greg Chappell encapsulated the Australian cricket team circa 1976. As the reigning captain, he was also a key target of World Series Cricket, the rival competition plotted by media mogul Kerry Packer in revenge for being denied exclusive television rights to the game.

With such an insider's perspective, the Herald asked Chappell this week to watch the two-part Howzat series, which starts on Channel Nine tomorrow night. It took him back to difficult times.

David Lord does the inside oil:

HOWZAT!: Kerry Packer vs David Lord and the World Series battle

“As for that agent, that David Lord bastard … I’m going after him too”. The words from Kerry Packer during the superb first episode of “Howzat!” that aired on Channel 9 last night tracing how World Series Cricket was born and why.

The numbers:

Howzat for a hit: Packer dominates the ratings

Victory in the ratings war is still some way off. But few wins are as sweet as Nine's last night, with more than two million viewers tuning into the first part of its blockbuster miniseries Howzat! Kerry Packer's War.

PS: I have not seen it, but to celebrate the Seventies - if you can remember the Seventies, you were there - we had a fondue night.

Update!

Gideon Haigh at The Almanac:

Howzat

On 2 December 1977 Australian cricket lovers turning on their television sets had for the first time a choice in their bill of fare. Live from the Gabba on the Australian Broadcasting Corporation came the soothing sights and sounds of a traditional Test, the first of a series against India. Live from Melbourne’s VFL Park on Channel Nine, meanwhile, came the unfamiliar images of what purported to be a revolutionary new variant on the game: a Supertest, brought to you by World Series Cricket.

THE FAT CAT'S PYJAMAS

Drum! There has never been a man! Drum! Drum! An Australian like him! DRAMA EVENT! Wooo-ooooooo! OF THE YEAR! Never has! And never will be! Howzat?!?!?

Softcock pop does not conjure up images of epic true stories. But what do I know? It will probably rate its socks off. I might even watch it. Even if it is the most massive big suck-up in Australian TV history.

Royalties to the usual address:

WORLD MINI SERIES CRICKET

there's one Aussie sporting episode that has ALL the ingredients to make a top shelf mini series. This guaranteed Big Event Presentation is screaming out for a screen run. It's virtually hanging out the car window and drooling on motorcyclists at the lights: World Series Cricket.

REMORSE CODE

Reading between the lines, Nine's cricket commentators used to babble on remorselessly:

Standing the test of time

One recent change of the Nicholas era was moving from having two commentators on air at a time to three. ''It changed the dynamic,'' Nicholas says. ''It made you slightly more conversational. You think more clearly about what you say, rather than babble on remorselessly.''

EXTRACT THE DIGITAL

Sydney and Melbourne viewers are about to stay with us for the News:

TV cricket breakthrough changes the Test pattern

AFTER years of torment for cricket fans, and ritual bombardment of Nine's switchboard by disgruntled viewers, it will be possible to watch the final overs of Test matches live, even when they are bowled during the six o'clock news.

Nine has successfully applied to the federal government to be allowed to show Test matches on their digital affiliate GEM during news programs. From today, if play goes beyond 6pm, the ominous announcement that ''Sydney and Melbourne viewers are about to leave us for the news'' will be replaced by an invitation to change channels.

The TV industry [and savvy viewers] claimed that, initially, there was a reluctance by networks to split audiences by continuing live sport on digital channels, as they feared it would adversely affect ratings for the fiercely competitive news programs. However, Crawley said Nine had been eager to give viewers the choice.

''If it was up to us [the sports department], we would have sport on all day and all night,'' he said. ''Sport is a big part of what Nine does. But our news brand is also very important and we have to acknowledge that, too.''

But, but, but, what am I going to complain about now? Guess I'll find something.

Mitchell's EXCITABLE STYLE!!! did not please everyone

Richard Hinds on Glenn Mitchell's departure (which was news to me):

■ If selections for the Australian cricket team last summer provided a lot of conjecture, the departure of the ABC's Perth commentator Glenn Mitchell will create a lot of speculation about his possible replacement.

Mitchell had become, with the ABC's cricket commentator Jim Maxwell, a mainstay of the well-regarded coverage.

Mitchell's excitable style did not please everyone but he had a journalistic style and worked well with the eccentric Kerry O'Keeffe.

ABC officials would not comment on the circumstances of Mitchell's departure but have not denied reports he had been involved in a heated altercation with a Perth colleague.

Wasn't there some issue with Glenn doing footy & cricket? Did he also have a fight last year with someone else at the ABC? Or maybe this is an ongoing feud?

Anyway, conjecture & speculation: who will the ABC pick?

Fingers crossed the replacement is not, like Glenn, another Jim Maxwell clone. While Jim has been excellent in recent years, he has a tendency to explode when a batsman plays and misses by a mile or there is an LBW appeal to a ball obviously missing the stumps by a couple of feet. "Anderson to Clarke, THAT'S HIT HIM ON THE PAD!!! HUGE APPEAL!!! IS THAT OUT?!? Nooooo. Big inside edge, as well." Two commentators thus detonating shatters my dozy summer contemplations.

The state ranks don't appear to hold an obvious replacement commentator, as opposed to special comments: that NSW fossil, Clint "he's fucked it up!" Wheeldon, Roger Willzzzzzz and, ummm, whoever Karen Tighe (will she go out in sympathy?) throws to in Tassy, Queensland & Victoria.

Kelly Underwood?

But wait! THERE'S MORE!!!

ABC's Mitchell calls it quits

ONE of the ABC's top sports presenters, Glenn Mitchell, has quit the national broadcaster after being involved in a newsroom shouting match with colleague Clint Wheeldon and sending an offensive, late-night email to Wheeldon and his wife.

I guess if Glenn shouted in the commentary box, there was every chance he shouted everywhere else, too. "Karen, did you GET THE MILK!!! this morning?"

Thanks, HB

THE PYJAMA GAME

2004 and a mini series is proposed:

WORLD MINI SERIES CRICKET

there's one Aussie sporting episode that has ALL the ingredients to make a top shelf mini series. This guaranteed Big Event Presentation is screaming out for a screen run. It's virtually hanging out the car window and drooling on motorcyclists at the lights: World Series Cricket.

(Includes casting.)

2011 and do I get royalties?

Nine picks up rights to Kerry Packer cricket drama

Nine has swooped for the rights to Southern Star’s dramatisation of the Kerry Packer story after the first two outings – focusing on the launch of Cleo magazine – were a success for ABC1 on Sunday and Monday night.

“The mini-series tells how a young Kerry Packer took on the cricket establishment to set up a rebel competition with the world’s best players, who abandoned their loyalty to their national teams to join the breakaway competition. It will recount Packer’s court battles to get World Series Cricket up and running, the secret player signings, and the way he got around the ban on using Australia’s hallowed Test arenas.

“Despite poor crowds and low television ratings at first, a brave new world of sports broadcasting had begun, ushering in the era of one-day cricket played under lights.”

SPLIT DECISION

On the off chance you are not yet convinced why Nine are unwilling to split their audience between the News on their main channel and the cricket on their digital back up stations:

Seven wins week three of ratings

THE Seven network has won its third consecutive week of the official ratings year, and taken out eight of the top ten spots.

The only Nine show to make it into the top ten was the Sunday night news bulletin.

6: SEVEN NEWS - SUN 1,191,000

9: NINE NEWS - SUN 1,134,000

2.3 million people? It has always amazed me how many people tune in for the shallow slop which makes up the Sunday night news on Seven & Nine.

"IT'S ALL HAPPENING HERE ON THE FIRST BALL OF THE THIRD OVER!"

ICC seeks to ban Salman Butt from TV role

International Cricket Council (ICC) chief executive Haroon Lorgat has slammed the appointment of banned former Pakistan captain Salman Butt as a television pundit during the World Cup.

So incensed are the global governing body, they have asked the lawyer who was chairman of the tribunal that banned Butt to determine whether his employment by Pakistan's Urdu language Channel 5 contravenes the terms of the opening batsman's 10-year ban, five of which have been suspended.

NICKNAME DROPPER

The great lexicographers of our age are in furious agreement: Nine cannot go one sentence without a commentator using a nickname for another commentator. So which Nine telecast has J.O. Smoking Joe Joseph O'Neill been watching?!?

The bliss of winning on foreign soil

I watched these Ashes, from New York, on legally dubious links provided by a website called totalsportsmadness.com. Sometimes you got the Sky Sports coverage – Bumble, Beefy, Nasser, Athers: a poem by Ogden Nash – other times you ended up with Australia's Channel Nine coverage and its nicknameless greats – Mark Taylor, Michael Slater, Bill Lawry. Only Warney featured in both broadcasts, spinning both ways, of course.

Not a bad article, but.

SIX O'CLOCK SWILL

This needs to go on the record:

Does anyone suspect that, come Jan 1 2011, Nine will not use their digital channel to broadcast the cricket when the News starts? News is a crucial driver for the networks' promotion, as they routinely trumpet the six o'clock to seven o'clock figures. Why are they going to offer up a rolled gold opportunity for viewers to watch something else? Do the networks want to go from saying "We got 1,000,000 viewers on Sunday at six" to "We got 800,000 on Nine and 200,000 on Go"? As always with TV stations, I am skeptical.

MATCHWELL

AURAL EQUIVALENCE

Most of us view sport through the prism of partisanship. I view cricket coverage through green & gold glasses, just like Kiwis view their coverage through all black glasses. Much like politics, it all depends which side you barrack for.

This morning on SEN Andrew Maher and Tim Watson were set to discuss yesterday's F50 from Napier when, by way of introduction, Andrew said Ian Smith is the most hopelessly biased commentator in the history of sport. They then introduced NZ commentator Brian Waddle who opened with a riposte that Ian Healy is every bit as bad as Smuthy.

Brian: Balls!!

Andrew Maher was understating his case: Smuthy is even more biased than the most hopelessly biased commentator in the history of sport.

When the Kiwis have a good match he cheers for "our boys", "us" and "wee", sorry, "we". When commentating a Kiwi loss he relentlessly moans about the dismal state of play. Pretty sure he once started sobbing. All in that grating voice. Nor am I referring to huz Kiwi ixent.

Healy may well be a biased Aussie commentator, but he is nowhere near as biased as Smuthy.

The only bloke who comes close is the Pom who commentates the international rugby league in the UK. I never seem to be able to find out what his name is, but if you watched last year's World Cup final you will know who I mean. He spent the whole match legendising every Pommy play, while playing down every Aussie play. Guess who won. At the end, upon being invited to congratulate Australia, he groaned words to the effect of "No. I'm bloody sick of it. I'm sick of Australia winning."

SHARK RAVING MAD

Cosmos Forever - Carl Sagan fan? - has it 180 degrees, arse about, reverse angle, back to front:

ABC Radio Sport has jumped the shark

It got me thinking about ABC radio sports coverage this summer and the fact that overall I think it is in grave danger of becoming no better than its competitors. Time and again (despite excellent coverage of all sports on Grandstand at a magazine and results level) live national coverage is only given to male rugby or cricket codes. This seems to have changed little in recent years despite a number of other national code opportunities.

Balls to "all sports". Grandstand should be 100% cricket in summer, 100% Aussie Rules in winter. (Rugby in the outback states.) When there's a break in a Test match or an international one-dayer, the broadcast should then automatically switch over to state cricket. No winter olympics, no netball, no basketball, no Sydney to Hobart, no Melbourne to Launceston, no motor racing, no soccer, no Karen Tighe, no Simone Whatsername. "Over to you, Drew Morphett at the MCG for an update on Vic v. NSW."

Sure, the cricket commentary can be a pain. Cosmos is right about Morphett and Langer. The former is nauseating; the latter even more nauseating. She's a beauty, bottler, nostalgia suck-up Drew or extraordinary, outrageous, magnificent, stupendous suck-up JL.

We now cross to Elwood and the Cock of the Bay.

SNOW JOB

Mark Taylor and Michael Slater are from Wagga Wagga. Simon O'Donnell is from Deniliquin. Ian Healy is from Spring Hill. None of Wagga, Denny or Spring Hill are famous for their grand slalom, ice hockey or pristine white slopes. Tubby, Slatts and Heals are cricket commentators who follow summers seasons around the orb. Simon spends his summers at the cricket and his winters training racehorses.

Naturally, Nine plonked them in a Winter Olympics ad. What's more, The Cricket Show deemed them perfectly qualified to present a ten minute segment about which contestants to watch in Vancouver. Tubby even managed an impromptu demonstration of luge; initially I thought he was demonstrating his foot-catch in Adelaide.

Viewers are used to Sir Doyen live-reading ads for Current Affair, but cricket commentators impersonating winter sports experts is a shill too far.

My sincerest hope is that Nine's Winter Olympics coverage takes an absolute bath in the ratings. Sadly, those viewers who keep the Nine commentary team on air, and who don't seem to be offended by Nine's jingoistic, low brow, suck-up commentary and its rank commercialism, are the same viewers who will tune into the Winter Olympics.

Speaking of the suck-up commentary. Used to be that the commentators would banter with each other via friendly ribbing and restrict their slurping to the players on the ground, visiting commentators or Prime Ministers. This season the likes of Mick's Classic Catches have been introduced to provide a framework from which the commentators can piss in each others pockets. Has Nine's market research revealed that the public are underwhelmed by the credentials of the current commentators, especially the younger blokes, and need to reinforce their bona fides?

And, of course, the sucking-up to CricAussie and all Nine's "broadcast partners" has progressed apace. It can only be a matter of time until the ads are interrupted by cricket breaks.

DOUBLE LAMBY

Do not feign outrage at Geoff Boycott putting the F into foul language

Allan Lamb was doing a brief guest appearance when a wicket fell to a questionable umpiring decision. "Fuck me," said Lamb in his richest Langebaanweg accent. Baxter quickly scribbled a note and placed it in front of him: "You can't say fuck on air." "Shit," said Lamby, "did I say that?" I'm not sure if he ever did another stint.

DOUBLE HEADED BOOBY

Because I am on holidays and have nothing better to add, Neville "Bubble" Oliver:

Nothing Oliver said was done in half measures, and he had a tendency to emphasise every second or third word. Everything was either the greatest or the worst. For instance: "I got a call from this woman from Devonport and she gave me the greatest serve of all time..." If someone had just made a good score he would say" "It was the greatest innings I've ever seen... you wouldn't believe..." If he ever criticised anyone he said: "And I gave him the greatest serve..." After hearing this over and over the other journalists started saying it too. Every little criticism became the greatest serve of all time". For a while it was the tour joke; then we got sick of it and moved onto something else.

~~ Calypso Cricket, the inside story of the 1991 Windies Tour by Roland Fishman

Have they really got sick of it? You barely go a week without a match, catch, shot, innings, goal, mark, you name it, being anointed the greatest ever. Take cricket: us punters are continually expected to believe a catch is the greatest ever despite an identical chance put down being dubbed a sitter missed.

TOLD, SHANE

Warnie's commentary has been great value this Ashes. As John Coomber wrote at The Roar:

Warne is confident, witty, informed, relaxed, and bursting with information. His brain, so scatty in other parts of his life, seems hard-wired to cricket.

Coomber's appeared last Friday:

Warney wows ‘em with the microphone

Typical Warney. Even when he isn’t playing, he seems to command centre stage. Quite the best thing about viewing the Ashes series this winter has been Shane Warne’s commentary for the Sky/SBS team.

Ron Reed's appeared in the Herald Sun the next day:

TV proves a top spin-off

Warne is proving to be a major hit in the TV commentary box, where his strategic instincts, straight-shooting style, laconic humour and vast experience have outshone English veterans such as Ian Botham, David Gower and Michael Atherton and even the ever-popular West Indies champion Michael Holding.

Not that out-shonning Sir Loin and Mikey is all that much of a feat.

Anyway: my point.

The articles, similar in thrust, reinforced for me how much copy out there retreads the same ground.

Not that I'm suggesting any malfeasance on the part of Reed, whose article came out second. It's just that, upon reading Reed's article on Saturday, I got mildly depressed.

HATE NIGHT LIVE

Richard Hinds has a new fiend:

Taking a bat to whining Nasser

HATE is an essential part of sporting pantomime. You might hate the opposition's strutting full-forward, but it is merely the type of hate you once professed for a disproportionately large serve of brussels sprouts (followed by a stern lecture from your mother about mis-use of the word hate).

Missed most of Nasser's work. (Has he really been that bad?) The relentless jingle-torture inflicted by Jake's Got The Gig and the H&R Block Receipt Man have driven me screaming to The Delay. Which is not such a bad thing. The coverage via my electric transistor, and then when I discovered its existence (during a football broadcast), my local internet stream has been excellent. Mind you, the commentary was almost a ball behind the pictures, which made putting the sight & sound together quite the challenge.

Not sure what to make of Haydos: he needs to bone up on the rules; is pompous when he slips into "doing it for the baggy green" mode; keeps talking about food; and often uses phrases like "the process". But he does bait Boycott.

POT, KETTLE, HACK

Who is David Hastie? He's the impressively titled "Herald Sun sports affairs reporter", and the hack responsible for this stupid article:

Television viewers blast Ashes coverage for English bias

FORMER cricket greats are calling for The Ashes commentators to lift their game amid claims of chronic English bias.

With English broadcaster Sky Sports providing the live feed for both SBS and Foxtel, Australian audiences have been forced to endure a commentary box stacked with former English players, including four former captains.

Bill Lawry, Richie Benaud, Ian Chappell, Mark Taylor. Whaddaya know? Nine has four captains, too. Chuck in Slater, Healy, O'Donnell and Warne. The Aussie flavour of our own commentary team is hardly leavened by Grieg, each summer's fly-in foreigner and the sumptuous gaylord, Dick Nicholas, who is Australia's most splendid and marvellous fan.

And just who are these "former cricket greats" and "Australian audiences"? None other than Simon O'Donnell and, well, guess who:

Neil Harvey, who represented Australia between 1948 and 1963, said the commentary was sorely lacking an experienced Aussie voice, saying Richie Benaud would have been the perfect fit.

"You've got all the Poms in there as far as I can see," Harvey said.

"There are Australians, but they're in the studio.

"BACK TO YOU"

MacGill, Martyn, Matthews. Not Triple M, not a 60's folk-rock trio, but the SBS studio commentary team for the Ashes. If they are anywhere near as good as Simon Hill, Matthews and Dean Jones were in 2005, they will be well worth a listen. Chuck in Rodney Hogg, who is the SBS expert over in the UK, and the phrase "forthright opinion" would sell them way short.

Not sure how MacGill will go, but all reports suggest he offers more than the average cricket head. Has anyone ever heard Damian Martyn speak? He seems, on the face of it, a strange choice. Greg Matthews will be all, like, dude, yeah, cat, but at least he knows the caper. Hoggy will be Hoggy. "Chucking? They changed the rules. Everyone chucks now."

(How will the SBS coverage flow now that they have more, ahem, retail opportunities. Last time, they only had ads between programs. Now they have expanded their advertisments into shows, which means they will almost certainly have ads between overs, which will barge into their studio airtime and our consciousness. Put it this way: what was five minutes of comment during a drinks break might now become three minutes of cars, alcohol, insurance, Guthy Renker and girls in hot tubs with telephones, and only two minutes of cricket talk.)

Compare the SBS team with the standard, but capable, Fox outfit of Brendon Julian, Allan Border, Mark Waugh, Greg Blewett and Damien Fleming. Will Fox rue Hoggy moving to SBS? When he was on with BJ and the Boys, he was mighty entertaining. Before they shut him up, that is. Forthright opinion is permitted to be more forthright on an outlet like SBS, which is less beholden to a lord and/or master than an Official Broadcaster like Fox.

Either way, Channel Nine and their oaf demographic, despite the recent improvements sparked largely by the SBS and UK coverage in 2005, will be looking for parts and people to pinch.

Test team behind the mikes

NO ONE can accuse SBS of playing it safe in its choice of commentators for the Ashes.

Stuart MacGill will play the hosting role in the Sydney studio and will be joined by Greg Matthews and Damien Martyn.

The outspoken Rodney Hogg will be the man on the ground with SBS putting together a one-hour highlights program from 5pm (AEST) on the previous day's play.

FoxSports will have the familiar faces of former Australian cricketers Allan Border, Mark Waugh, Brendon Julian, Greg Blewett and Damien Fleming sharing their views.

Meanwhile, on the radio wireless broadcasting systems, the ABC have "again put together a quality commentary team". Not my words. No byline on the article. Sounds like a press release cut & paste.

For those unable to watch it on the box, the ABC has again put together a quality commentary team in cahoots with the BBC.

Recently-retired Test opener Matthew Hayden is a star addition to the line-up that also includes the likes of Jason Gillespie and Phil Tufnell.

Perhaps we the listeners should be the ones who judge the quality.

Tuffers is often worth a chortle, but it remains to be seen whether St Matthew of Hayden or Dizzy Gillespie add to the quality commentary team comprised of quality commentators headed, no doubt, by the Matchell Twins.

MARTYN: "BUCHAN IDIOT!"

Update! If this is Damien Martyn's public audition for the SBS hosting gig, it's a good one:

Martyn lashes out at Buchanan over 2005 Ashes

"All comments by Warne and MacGill are right and you'd find that 99% of the group from that era would agree. They're just the only guys who've got [the courage] to say it. The management team didn't plan right, we had a not-very-good, quick preparation in Brisbane and then we landed and away we went."

"We played a Twenty20 against England, which England still talk about, flogging us down in Hampshire. Buck was saying, 'It's only a muck-around game, don't worry about it' and we trained for four hours on the morning. So we went from the nets next door, busting a gut, into a T20 game where they rolled up playing it like a Test match and flogged us. There were a lot of mistakes made and a lot will never come out."

"We got slack, everything clicked for them, they haven't played that well since then and they won't ever again," Martyn said. "They built themselves up so much for the Ashes when the Ashes for us had dropped off because we'd won it so many times.

"For us it was conquering all things, World Cups, Champions Trophy, the subcontinent. The Ashes was just another series but for England it was their pinnacle and we just went underprepared."

Noice.

FRONTAL DICHOTOMY

Few things in cricket commentary give me a bigger headache than the good vs the bad.

For instance, a batsman can play identical shots: he hits one for six, he gets out off the other. Yet the former is met with acclaim, while the latter is met with disdain. It's worse with catching. A good catch is a screamer, while an identical chance put down is a sitter grassed. You can't have it both ways.

Gideon Haigh, in an article containing no mention of Sally Warhaft, and with his focus heightened by the excesses of the IPL, expands on this in an excellent piece for CricInfo Magazine:

Night of the screamers

When commentators hype a batsman up for consecutive boundaries only to watch him perish to an imbecile smear, or praise a bowler to the skies for four dot-balls, then see him smacked into orbit twice while closing the over out, they subtly erode their own authority - such authority as they had, anyway.

For thirty years, we here in Straya have been subjected to the hype and huckstering of the Channel Nine commentary team. Their constant GBH of the earholes has reduced most of what they say to pointless drivel. Which is a pity. Whenever any of the Nine team talk cricket outside of the box they have plenty worthwhile to say. The same can be said for Dean Jones' commentary from the recent Straya Pakistan series in the Gulf. Deano is a dreadful commentator liable to explode at the merest on field incident - "That's the END OF THE OVER!!" - or make extravagant snap judgements - "1/44 off 11 overs. Pakistan are getting a STRANGLEHOLD ON THIS GAME!" - but has much to say that makes for interesting listening. Who knew about the importance of the different weights of balls before Deano described it during the 2005 Ashes? The less said about the horror that was the commentary for the South African one day series, the better.

As I see it... or rather, listen it, the solution to the problem is simple. However, given cricket's career path from pitch to commentary box, which is flooded by former players wanting a paid gig talking about cricket, it's never going to eventuate. Cricket needs professional commentators to do the ball-by-ball, and cricketers, preferably lucid and expert in the caper, to provide the insights. The likes of Bill and Tony have watered down their credibility with decades of nonsense instead of progressing to the end of their careers perceived as fonts of cricketing wisdom.

Also, with more and more cricket needing more and more commentators, the problem will only get worse. Expect more, not less, of the tortured delivery provided by the likes of Merv Hughes and Courtney Walsh in South Africa.

POINT MAN

Not only have Kiki & Sassy now got "commenters" to LOL and explain the jokes - Hats on to whichever CricOz PR flack came up with that cunning plan - they also have better security than Sydney airport:

Kiki & Sassy: Saffa Debrief

Editor's Note

Whilst we welcome diverse comment and robust discussion, CA will not be allowing negative comments to appear on these pages if they don't have a valid point to make.

This blog was intended to appeal to a different part of the cricket audience, not necessarily the hard core fan. We will continue to add a diverse range of blogs and articles to the website over the coming months.

Please note that comments that are derogatory, defamatory, or discriminatory will not be published. The decision to publish is solely at the discretion of CA.

Not that I'm some sexist porker ranting that teh laydeez - jolie laidies, to coin a waggish bon mot - shouldn't write about cricket. I happen to agree with Richard Hinds:

No gentleman's game

IT HAD been anticipated that the coverage of a major cricket series would highlight, in graphic close-up, the contributions that some very fit women make to the game.

RICH TEXT

Belatedly, I'm around to writing something about Richie Benaud's retirement, but not half as belatedly as Richie's retirement will be when he finally gets around to it next year. Gird your lions because you are about to endure a slurpdango the likes of which has rarely been seen outside of a telethon, especially with super-soppy Channel Nine all set to give it twelve months worth of 100 proof schmaltz. Nine cannot resist the syrup, and we can count ourselves lucky Anne Marie Sparkman and that voice are not still around to curdle our milk, although I'm sure Tim Sheridan is down to the task.

Not that The Doyen doesn't deserve the full treatment. I'm told Twenty to One: Top Richie Quotes is already in the pipes. Can't wait to see what pearls of insight 18 year old poppet Backyard Cheesecake has to offer about Richie's feats in the 1950s.

Gideon Haigh gives Richie a fittingly dignified tribute in today's Australian:

Benaud knocks fans for six

ONE of the truisms of which the great cricket commentator John Arlott was fond was the one about going while they still ask why, not when they say "why not?". In foreshadowing his retirement from commentary a year hence, Richie Benaud shows a thorough understanding of the advice.

Further into the article Gideon mentions a Rodney Hogg comment: "The pithy Rodney Hogg recently compared Benaud with a 1960s LP 'that you can't play any more because it has a scratch on it'." First time I've ever seen Hoggy's gear referred to as pithy - I detect trace elements of tongue in cheek - but Hoggy's onto something. Richie has been showing signs of agi... that time waits for no man for two or three seasons now. Reduced airtime, the odd mistake. Actually, mistake is a little harsh, let's go with mis-step. Either way, Richie is pulling the pin before he shows too much tooth. Unlike Lou Richards on the Sunday Footy Show. Richie won't want to go out propped up in front of a camera, prodded for lines, and on the receiving end of a Dorothy Parkeresque "Dead? How can you tell?"

Haigh, in chronicling Richie's career, also swerves into a topic du jour:

His aura of calm resourcefulness as leader never jeopardised by defeat in a series.

In his book Australia 63, the English cricket writer Alan Ross provided a memorable description of Benaud the captain as Australia lost a Melbourne Test by seven wickets. The fascinating aspect of the spectacle, Ross concluded, was that only at the very last did defeat seem a possibility. Otherwise Benaud exuded such apparent mastery of the situation - a subtle bowling change here, a minor tampering with the field there - that one was hardly aware of the home team's deepening predicament. He traversed the field like a man "with the ace up his sleeve".

What wouldn't I give to have our current captain exhibit the same sang froid. I've never seen Richie play, but the way Ross describes him is the very essence of the style of Aussie captain I crave.

And I was surprised to read this:

Even the ABC has degenerated into an unlistenable farrago of self-amusement and SMS text: The Kerry O'Keeffe Show Also Including Test Cricket. Nonetheless, it is still the case that no commentator would be ill-served by the default option WWRD: What Would Richie Do?

Certainly the ABC have overcooked their coverage. Haigh works for the ABC, though, so it's refreshing to read him taking a shot at his employer. Given the esteem in which GH is held in cricket circles I'm tipping there are already ABC sport heavy hitters bunkered down in Ultimo and South Bank, wondering if Haigh is right that the ABC do over-do the larks at the expense of incisive cricket commentary.

Anyway, this is about Richie... and so are these, my two favourite Richies:

When Australia won the Ashes in 1989, it was due in no small part to the efforts of Terry Alderman who kept getting wickets LBW. Upon yet another LB late in the series, the commentary went something like this:

"Howzat!"

Finger raised.

Batsman out.

Walks.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Not again."

Then when New Zealand toured Straya in 1993 Danny Morrison bowled beautifully, but the Kiwi catching was completely dreadful; you could say the Kiwi dropping was completely fantastic. The main culprit was Mark Greatbatch who had copped a furious hiding from the Nine team. What goes around, runs aground, right. Late in the summer, Greatbatch, at first slip, took a blinder: a high slash that he plucked from well above his head before flolloping to the ground like a Hitchhiker's Guide swamp mattress, he willomied to his feet, pointed at the central commentary position, and yelled "Stick that up your fucking arse!" To which Richie replied, after a suitable pause for effect: "Just reminding us he's dropped a few this summer."

GLITCH DOCTOR

What Donnie wrote about "the delay" prompted me to post an item I'd forgotten about since last year:

Delay-o-tron' to iron out commentary glitches

It's a perennial problem for the Australian sports fan - how can you listen to the radio commentary while you watch the match on TV?

Thanks to a delay in the broadcast of the TV pictures, this has been next to impossible unless people were happy to hear the action a few seconds before they saw it.

Not much fun if they are sweating on a crucial goal in the final seconds or screaming an LBW appeal at the screen only for the radio to give the game away.

But some ingenious engineering students from Melbourne University have come up with what could be a salvation for a nation's sports fans.

The 'Delay-o-tron' is a gadget that matches radio broadcast with the TV pictures.

TIME, GENTLEMEN, PLEASE

The Herald Sun has a segment called At The Bar, in which Rodney Hogg and Jon Anderson "discuss" the topic du jour. Last week they did the Nine Commentators:

Time for new guard in Channel 9 commentary box?

With Richie Benaud nudging 80 and a raft of recent arrivals knocking on Channel 9's commentary booth door, Rodney Hogg says it's time for a change.

Jon Anderson: The times, they are a-changing.

Rodney Hogg: In many ways in the world of cricket, and it should start with the Channel 9 commentary booth. There was a time in this country when you were forced to retire at age 65. At Channel 9 it must be 80.

The topic re-appeared the next day in the editorial, of all places:

Call it stumps for Channel 9 commentators

CHANNEL 9's ageing team of cricket commentators is under the same sort of pressure as Australia's Test side.

Nine was moved to respond with their customary "Get stuffed":

Nine bats for Grieg

Channel 9 has gone into bat for cricket commentator Tony Grieg after critics called on him to pull up stumps.

Callers savaged Grieg's style on talkback radio yesterday after a brutal 5/10 assessment by former cricketing great Rodney Hogg in the Herald Sun.

"Tony Grieg is a valued member of Nine's cricket commentary team," a Nine spokesman said.

Hogg, who also criticised Richie Benaud and Bill Lawry's commentary, gave Grieg marks for surviving 30 years.

Benaud will stay with Nine after signing a two year contract last year that will take him past his 80th birthday.

"You'd be struck by lightning if you ever tried to bone Richie," Nine's CEO David Gyngell has said.

To be perfectly Francis, these days the commentators are far less aggravating. While Grieg and Lawry used to shit me to tears, the introduction of the piss-taking youngsters has markedly improved the overall chemistry of the team. The po-faced seriousness has gone, and although they doubtless still take themselves seriously, there's a genial feel to the coverage.

(Probably because they spend all their serious energy spruiking Betfair and Scamorabilia.)

Plus ca change, though. You still don't get a whole lot in the way of incisive commentary. One of these days Nine, despite their general fondness for an LCD in keeping with their overall station philosophy, will employ an insightful and witty commentator. Maybe someone who's not a suck (Nicholas), a shill (Grieg), a shouter (Bill), a bad joke teller (Chappelli), an oaf (O'Donnell). And it's still very much a case of telling us what we already know, what we just saw, but it's better than it was, say, five years ago.

Mind you, that doesn't mean it's not time for Richie, in particular, and probably Bill to move on. David Gyngell is playing typical word games: no one is suggesting Richie be boned. But more than the odd viewer is suggesting that, at 80, it's time for him to call it quits. And let's face it: he's nowhere near the commentator he once was.