AGB Cricket

GREIGI

FAIL FELLOW WELL MET

Chappelli himself can be a bit of a dickhead, but occasionally:

Just met Ian Chappell for 1st time. 'Hi, Mr Chappell, I'm Piers Morgan,' I said. 'Nah mate, you're a dickhead,' he replied. Meeting over!

— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) January 1, 2014

THE UGLY MUCKLING

And other grudges:

The truth about my beef with Ian Botham: Ian Chappell

IAN Botham and fairytales are synonymous, like Hans Christian Anderson and children's books. If he's not telling them, then someone else is writing them about him.

The most recent one about our altercation in the Channel 9 compound at the Adelaide Oval is written by a guy at the London Daily Mail, who is well versed in fairytales. He regularly writes them for a living in his muck-raking column.

Our verbal altercations over the years have generally taken the same route; I either make reference to his long-distance relationship with the truth or an uncomplimentary remark about his intelligence.

His response only varies, depending on his mood, to the preface he uses to the four-letter word women hate.

The only way to put an end to the fairytales is if we have absolutely no contact, which will suit me perfectly.

THUMPY OLD MEN

Just let them fight:

Cricket legends come to blows at Ashes

England's thumping of Australia in the second Ashes Test nearly sparked a different type of thumping between veteran cricket rivals Ian Botham and Ian Chappell in Adelaide.

Ian Chappell, from Channel Nine, "muttered something highly provocative as he went past", reported the paper, and Ian Botham, from Sky, snapped: "What did you say?"

They dropped their bags and "went for each other" before being separated by their colleagues from Channel Nine and Sky.

MAKE CANNABIS HISTORY

Ian's not here, man.

BAGGING GREEN

Ian Chappell in print is a copy machine, continually churning out quotable headlines via contentious remarks and, if you accept he's got axes to grind, venting vitriol. Ian Chappell on telly is a snore-a-minute bore. WHY? Chappelli, your country's viewers need you.

Today he's into the baggy green:

Baggy green overkill

FORMER Test skipper Ian Chappell has joined the baggy green debate, labelling it a "$5 piece of cloth" overly glorified under Steve Waugh's captaincy.

"There is too much made of the baggy green," Chappell said.

"All touring players used to wear it whether they played a Test or not. It has been overdone."

"I guess there is some credit to Brad Haddin that he didn't want to wear one before he played a Test match, but he could have put a white cricket hat on."

Chappell said reverence for the baggy green, inspired by former captain Waugh, bordered on overkill.

"It is a cap, a nice cap, but has only become more than a cap since Steve Waugh started to jump up and down about it," said Chappell, who retired in 1980.

"Cricket memorabilia has also played its part, going for ridiculous prices. It is a $5 bit of cloth. I haven't got one, haven't had one since the day I finished. I don't need to look at an Australian cap to remind me of what I did."

I gots ta say it: I agree.

Sort of.

Big deal if the players wear VB caps in a trial match. It's not as if they would completely replace the BG caps, which are only worn en masse at the start of a Test and are largely restricted to ceremonial duties. New players get presented with one before a Test, the players wear them out at the start of play, and then as the day progresses, some keep them on, while others put on their Cancer Council approved, Greg Chappell autographed, stiff-brimmed, slip-slop-slap hats.

Having said that, why did the players opt for uniformity in a trial match? If they'd all worn their usual hats/caps, including Haddin wearing whatever he wears, no one would have batted an eyelid. Well, actually, why is rhetorical given the correct answer is fistful of moolah: "CUB, the brewer that passes off VB as the quintessential Aussie beer, have been good to Cricket Australia and so why not do them a favour in return?" The Aussie hierarchy should have realised that wearing the caps, while not of itself a bad thing in the circs, would not play well image-wise back in Straya.

Still, it's not surprising BG caps get up Chappelli's bugle. The implication of Steve Waugh's "jumping up and down about it" is that Waugh was big on tradition and the honour of playing for Australia, while Chappelli wasn't.

Chappelli is right about the memorabilia, too. He's from Channel Nine, after all, so he should be an expert. (Who wouldn't love to hear him bag memorabilia on air. "Tony, that replica bat is just a $5 piece of wood.") The bigger the song and dance the players make over their BG caps, the greater the value they will attract when it comes time to cash them in.

CHAPPELLA

So Ian Chappell's daughter Amanda would have done a better job coaching Straya than John Buchanan.

Ian Chappell launches attack on John Buchanan

TEST great Ian Chappell yesterday launched an extraordinary attack on John Buchanan, claiming his own daughter, Amanda, could have done a better job than the former Australian coach.

In response to radio talkback that Warne could not have worked with Buchanan had he been Australian captain, Chappell replied: "It's a simple decision. The captain is 95 per cent important, the coach is 5 per cent important. Guess who I am going to worry about first?"

"Shane Warne would have been a magnificent captain for Australia."

"A lot of people refer to John Buchanan's record as coach. How many wickets and how many catches and how many runs did he make?"

"He didn't make any. His contribution to those victories in my opinion is absolutely nil."

"Is someone going to tell me that if my daughter had coached Australia, would the results have been any different?"

"I am here to tell you the results wouldn't have been any different at all. In fact, they might have been better without him there."

What's biting Chappell? Again he's taking pot-shots at Buchanan in particular, and coaching in general. Surely it's past time he accepted cricket's moved on since "Les Favell told me." It's not hard to see why Warne shoots his mouth off, that's what he does; what's more, Buchanan regularly tuned him. But Chappell? Build a bridge and get over yourself, pal.

No wonder I just discovered this: "ian chappell" wanker.

QWHAT? OF THE DAY

What a wordsmith! Ian Chappell brings his A-game to CricInfo:

Where's Verandah Slog?

The batsman's role is to score quickly in order to give the bowlers as long as possible to take the required 20 wickets to win a Test. Sehwag's batting leaves you with more time than a flight that arrives early.

How about we throw - pitch, even - to Mike Royko:

Priceless Baseball Interviews

A mighty debate has been raging throughout the Free World and also in baseball parks. It has not yet been fully resolved.

As everybody knows, it involves a $30,000-a-year baseball player. He is mad at the people who pay him. They are mad at him. He has been sitting on the bench. They have been letting him sit.

At last report, the manager and the player have talked things over and the player is going to start playing again.

But the big question, the heart of the matter, has not yet been answered.

The whole thing started because the player, who obviously values his opinions, said he wanted $50 every time somebody from radio or television interviewed him.

Having viewed and heard many such interviews, I am of the opinion that the people who watch or listen to them should be given $50.

As subjects for interesting interviews, baseball players rank only above prize-winning Angus cattle in the whole sports world.

For years, out of compassion for their fellow man, sports writers have been translating their grunts and nods into sentences.

Baseball players have shown their gratitude by occasionally punching the baseball writers, proving, if nothing else, that they have friends who read the papers.

(Up Against It, 1967.)

Admittedly we've moved on - from grunts to clichés - but you get the picture.

A KNIGHT'S TALE

Picking up where we left off:

A knight to remember as Chappelli and Beefy shape up

IAN Chappell and Ian Botham are two of the more stubborn men in cricket. Both have strong opinions, and neither is easily compromised.

It's more than 30 years since their infamous spat at the MCG Hotel, yet still we see the fallout from it as recently as this week. Indisputably, the Chappell version of events is a lot closer to the truth than is the Botham one, although there was a bit more to it than that.

SIR LYIN' OF BEEF

Further to this - this:

Chappelli's retort reopens great feud

IAN CHAPPELL has questioned the merits of Ian Botham's recent knighthood in re-igniting a war of words with the English cricket great.

Chappell, who says he hasn't spoken to Botham since 1980, unleashes a withering attack on the former allrounder in today's edition of The Bulletin magazine.

It follows claims from Botham in his new autobiography that he “flattened” the former Australian captain in a Melbourne bar 30 years ago.

Chappell again dismisses Botham's recounting of the events of their much-told 1977 spat, before cautioning the Englishman, who was knighted by the Queen this month for his services to cricket and charity, about “peddling his lies”.

“There are many skeletons dangling in Botham's cupboard, ranging from stories of drug-taking to general thuggery, and if he keeps peddling his lies, there's every chance more of these stories will emerge,” Chappell wrote.

“As I said when asked about his recent trip to Buckingham Palace: Someone is going to regret awarding him a knighthood.”

Botham's new book is titled “head On”, but Chappell claims it should instead be called “More Cricket Fairytales”.

PRIORS

What is it with Ian Chappell and Les Favell? I'm sure Favell was a smart cricketer, but given the number of times Chappell refers to him, he must be the ONLY smart cricketer Chappelli's ever come across.

Ian Chappell slams Prior's glovework

Ian Chappell, the former Australian captain, has delivered a withering verdict on the standard of English wicketkeeping, and believes that England will never regain the Ashes so long as men of the standard of Matt Prior and Geraint Jones are selected in the Test side.

Prior endured a desperate match in the series decider at The Oval, dropping both Sachin Tendulkar and VVS Laxman in the course of India's first innings of 664, and speaking to Cricinfo at the end of the match, Chappell was scathing about his abilities.

"I cannot see how England are going to win against decent sides with a wicketkeeper who is woeful," said Chappell. "An old skipper of mine, Les Favell, said that once a wicketkeeper starts costing you games, he's got to go, Matthew Prior is in that category for me."

Mind you, comparing Prior to Geraint Jones is harsh. "What we've seen lately with Jones and Prior just isn't going to work. [England] got very lucky in the Ashes in 2005, and got away with that, but they've got to revisit the way they select wicketkeepers."

But we've put that dodgy England victory well behind us, haven't we. Right behind us. Yes we have. Almost...