AGB Cricket

DON'T COUNT YOUR CHICKENS BEFORE YOU SWEEP THE WHITEWASH UNDER THE CARPET

It was thought that England had shredded all evidence of the 2006/07 Ashes, but Derek Pringle has uncovered skerricks of residual memories to piece together a far-fetched comparison:

England faces whitewash if it does not win Second Test

The next Test in Adelaide is likely to decide whether England's current tour of Australia could unravel like the "Ashes horribilis" of 2006-07 when they suffered a 5-0 whitewash.

DUD STUD?

Last Night, during the early overs of the Champions Trophy final, Harsh Bhogle said something along the lines of "Some people think Mitchell Johnson, the ICC cricketer of the year, lost the Ashes for Australia. I fail to see how one person out of a team of eleven can single-handedly lose the Ashes."

Over to you, Brendan McArdle:

Harsh truth is, Johnson was an Ashes failure

REGARDLESS of what happened overnight in Australia's Champions Trophy semi-final, the embarrassment of losing the Ashes to an unremarkable England team six weeks ago still lingers for Australian cricket. Nor does it help that one of the culprits of our demise has shown some improved form of late and just been named ICC cricketer of the year.

For, along with the batting collapses in the two Tests that we lost, and the non-selection of a specialist spinner at the Oval, the biggest reason Australia lost the Ashes was the poor form of Mitchell Johnson.

EXTRACT! EXTRACT! READ ALL ABOUT IT!

Carrot's right; this Fletcher book might be worth a squizz. Can't wait 'til it reaches the remainder bins and op shops.

The Fred Kennedys

Too drunk to throw

Andrew Flintoff turned up to a practice session on the last Ashes tour 'still under the influence of alcohol' and 'in such a state that he could not throw properly' according to his coach, Duncan Fletcher, in his forthcoming autobiography, Behind the Shades.

Under The Influence

Fletcher blasts Botham's influence

Ian Botham had an unhealthy influence on Andrew Flintoff and has long caused difficulties in the England set-up, according to England's former coach Duncan Fletcher in the latest extract of his autobiography, Behind the Shades.

Tamper Tantrum

Hair walked out of ball-tampering meeting

Darrell Hair lost his temper and walked out of a meeting conducted by match referee Mike Procter on the evening of the fourth day of the infamous Oval Test, according to Duncan Fletcher, the former England coach.

In the latest extract from his autobiography, Behind the Shades, Fletcher also says he believed Hair was unfairly punished for his role in the incident.

Fletcher felt Hair's suspension by the ICC had set a wrong precedent. "[Billy] Doctrove backed him to the hilt but it was Hair who copped all the flak. That was unfair and doubtless it will mean that, from now on, umpires will not want to make the big decisions. That is not good for the game."

IT'S HIT 'IM RIGHT IN THE DRUMSTICK!

Boynton got stuck into me before. "It's a beautiful day and you're going to watch television and blog," she chastised. "You're such a loser." Au contraire. This little black duck is no couch parsnip. I've been watching the cricket live at the MCG People's Ground Stadium. A man of action, in action. With, I might add, the photos to prove it.

Bit glary. Should have taken my sunnies.

IT'S NOT ALL HAPPENING HERE

VB, anyone?

SLOG BLOG

20 down, Twenty to go and I want to like the concept, really I do, but you know...

DADS ARMY 5 - DUDS ARMY 0

The wash, it is white.

CATCH 42

Many consider The Gilo grassing Punter in Adelaide to be the moment that turned the series; a "dropped the Ashes" moment. Had the big scapegoat caught it Australia would have been in a heap of trouble, but he spilled it and Ponting went on to post a century and set up an unlikely win.

Were you to read too much into that particular balls up (or down) you might suggest England were the catching klutzes in this series; they do have had Geraint, afterall. A look at the stats tell another story.

Up until last night Australia had taken 42 catches out of 50 for a percentage of 84, while England had taken 35 out of 41 for a percentage of 85. The big difference is that England's drops have been bloody costly, whereas when the Aussies drop one, they invariably dismiss the "lucky" batsmen soon after for little or no damage.

Why do I highlight this now? Well, because I'm sick of commentators telling me how good Australia are at catching. Yes, we take a lot of catches, but we also drop far too many. Certainly too many for the commentators to be perpetually in raptures with the likes of "Bloggs won't drop this" or "Bloggs never drops these" or "Straya rarely drop catches."

Do the commentators, pundits and assorted spruikers think we are fools?

This morning on SEN Mark Allen and Liam Pickering were raving about Shane Warne's work in slips. "He never drops anything," blathered Allen, admittedly a golfer. To which Pickers was at least moved to add "Apart from Warne dropping the Ashes of Pietersen." No mention of Warne dropping a doddle off what would have been a Damien Fleming hatrick in Adelaide. No mention of how Warne should have caught The Pies in Perth except that he was too busy thinking up sledges. They aren't the only chances Warne's spilled in recent years. There seems to be this ludicrous misconception he is irreplaceable at first slip.

Elsewhere, look at the 2005 Ashes. How costly were our misses then? Don't forget Gilchrist dropped Pietersen at The Oval before Warne did. Martin Love put down a sitter off Omari Banks when the Windies chased their record at Antigua in 2003. India here in 2003/04, without Warne and McGrath creating more chances, was not a pretty story.

Even when Sideshow Roy, one of the best fieldsmen in the world, caught Pietersen in Perth, my primary reaction was relief that Sidey hadn't put it down. I shouldn't have been even slightly flustered; it was a sitter. Surely, that's a sign things aren't exactly as they should be with our catching.

PUNCHES NOT PULLED

While it's raining at the SCG - typical Sydney - let's see what Rodney Hogg thinks of the other bloke:

Jon Anderson: Can Brett Lee and Stuart Clark fill the void left by McGrath?

Hoggy: Clark can, but I'm not sure about the other bloke.

Ando: Hang on, he got his length right in Melbourne and started to move it at good pace.

Hoggy: I'm talking about when he got Collingwood caught at short cover by Justin Langer. He stood in the middle of the pitch with his arms raised in the air like he'd just bowled the best ball ever. What a wanker.

Lee's recent reverse swing has been welcome, but until he can find some surprise bounce, like Clark, people will continue to question his worth. That skidding trajectory allows batsman to roll onto the front foot and play him with relative ease and when he wants to unsettle batsmen with a lifter, he has to pitch it too short. There's probably a right length for him to bowl, but he's yet to find it consistently. Then again, maybe they like Lee to mix it up.

Hoggy does stirling work on SEN and some of the looks he gets from AB on Inside Cricket are priceless. Sadly, there's rock all chance of him being allowed anywhere near the commentary team of an "official broadcaster".

QUICK SINGLES

Looks like Symonds and Hayden are safe for the time being. Not so Justin Langer. Gnome B. N. better start getting his affairs in order because he's not long for international cricket. His batting since Brisbane has been dodgy at best, slap happy in the main. He seems to be trying to hit his way into touch. That was a wasteful out the other evening. He only needs to look at Flatty to see a bloke who has his head down and his game together. Hussey better watch it, too. I mean, seven? What a scrubber. His average is in freefall.

The way Sideshow Roy got out is a tidy pointer as to why he'll continue to sit on the edge selection-wise. Still, the selectors and the rest of the team love him and he's got oodles of talent, so his century will have earned him some serious collateral.

No sooner does KP move to No. 4 than the big yarpie gets bundled for bugger all. Good ball, but. KP is a bit like Roy - a dominant bottom hand which in any other era would see them as dodgy selections, but with better pitches, both these talented hitters can swing through the line to great effect.

It is good to see cricket on a proper sized ground, not a postage stamp. During last year's Ashes Flinty and KP only had to close their eyes and take a swipe for their rank mis-hit tonks to go for six.

Most of the commentators have been binning Flinty's crap fields. Rightly so. What are England on? Tony Greig even went as far to say "Flintoff is off the field. Good. Now we'll see some proper positions." That's as critical as I can remember any Channel Nine commentator ever being. Seriously critical, anyway, as opposed to stagey-critical. It's been fun watching England set a short covers and especially that stupid short mid off to rock-all effect, while their batsmen can't help but put the ball straight down the throats of Straya's short cover.

Speaking of the commentators, it's refreshing to hear them dissing Hawk-Eye. Not so long ago they would routinely defer to Hawk's accuracy. Now they barely take any notice. A big tick for them. Is it possible Hawk will soon get the flick?

Not that it's all good for the Channel Nine team. At the ground on Boxing Day the bar had two tellies showing different feeds. One showed the Nine picture delayed by a good two seconds, but the other was very much live. If anyone ever tells you The Delay is a technological glitch, or some such bullshit, tell 'em to get rooted. There can be no doubt Nine are doing it so as to stop punters listening to the ABC radio feed.

The radio commentary. What is the point of radio replays? Have you ever heard anything so ludicrous? You watch a replay to see what happened. What sort of cretin wants to listen to a spoken "highlight" hours later? Pure filler.

Read is certainly a better keeper than Hack Jones, but I hope no one starts rabbiting on about how good he kept to take six catches here. Let's face it, even Jones would have caught them. I think. Gilly better sharpen up his act, too. That missed stumping off Pietersen was worthy of the Grate Geraint.

How about England losing their bowling plans? Funny, yes, but do they contain anything out of the ordinary? No. It's all about line-and-length and defending strengths. Just the way all cricket should be; especially at Test level. Not that it's worked so far. While the English bowlers refuse to consistently put the agate in the right spot, either through bad management or bad skills, no plan is going to work. They only need to look as far as Stuey Clark for a role model. And what of Hoggy's response? "When we find him we'll string him up by the head." You string 'em up by the balls, the toes or the fingers, not the head. What sort of tedious run of the mill punishment is that?

England are a batsman short. They might think it's a great idea to have a so-called four pronged pace attack, but it's not strong enough to support their dodgy top order. Leave KP at five, drop Flinty to seven and bring in another proper batsman between them.

Have the umpires made a considered decision not to pay ElBees for righties to lefties, lefties to righties and bowlers coming around the wicket? The way the umps have staunchly turned down plumb ElBees - Cook off Warne in Perth and here Flatty off Hoggard, Cook off McGrath, Sideshow Roy off Flinty - it won't be long before the ICC start sending ElBee appeals to the third umpire. Hell, why don't the umps just look to the big screen? Everyone else is doing it.

The beach cricket ads with AB, Courtney Waltch and Goochey. It's probably too easy to shit can them.

CARRSLEMAINE

Going up the country today, so I won't be watching the cricket. Instead I'll be listening on the wahhless.

Forget James Brown, too, the noisy, drug addled hack. Better musicians died this year.

FESTIVE DEAD RUBBER

Boxing Day with the series won. I can't tell you what a relief it is the Ashes are stitched up. For the first time in a long time, I'll be there today with my maties, perfectly sanguine about whether Straya bat or bowl. Bat and it's SOP, bowl and I'll get to see Warnie do his thing. It's win - win.

The only thing worrying me is meeting Normblog Geras. He's a bit keen, isn't he, maybe even a bit of a cricket lunatic. What if he starts fights, or worse, has his face painted? Shit, what if he starts the wave?

I've been to plenty of Boxing Day Tests, but I can't remember the last time I went to Boxing Day itself. It might have been 1999, 1992 or 1985, but I'm pretty sure I went no earlier than Day 2. Still, hazy as my memory might be, it's better than James McCausland in today's Hun:

A Yank at the MCG
How I learned to love the game

I remember my first encounter with the mysteries of cricket with great precision.

It was 12:15pm on New Year's Day 1975.

I was peeved. I was working for a finance magazine that was not going to be published for several months. But for some reason our editor had decided we would all work that day.

A few of us were submerging our sorrows in the Sydney Journalist's Club.

Cricket on the box. Australia was playing a World XI team because South Africa had been turfed out of international cricket.

Great precision indeed.

WARNE GORN

Fvck. A faint sense of dread that started with what I thought was a dodgy rumour became a full blown panic attack when Warne actually, really, truly quit today.

"Why would he do it now," asked Richie rhetorically on Nine News. "Because it's right." Not for me. Sure, I'm selfish, but our era of dominance is over.

Throw in the impending retirements of McGrath, Hayden, Langer and Gilchrist and we're looking at a new era of struggle.

But it's Warne who's the key. Any or all of those other four could have retired and we would have been reasonably fine - not Shane. He's a once in a lifetime match-winner. Win the toss, bat first and wait for Warnie to roll the opposition on the last day. It was that predictable. Ask yourself how many matches Australia would have won without him since 1992. Exactly. I'd look up the figures, but I'm worried the numbers would be jarringly low.

For a snap-shot, look at 2003/04 when Warne was suspended. Without him we struggled to bowl out India in Australia. (Yes, yes, yes, he never went that well against India, and McGrath was missing, too, but Warne's still a very important player.) Nor could we roll the Windies as they knocked up a record chase in Antigua. Would they have made that 400 batting last if Warne was playing? Of course not. Contrast that with his return against Sri Lanka in 2004. We won that series 3-0 and every time a key wicket was needed, Warne was the one who got it.

Warne out: Test team set to suffer, says Benaud

Numerous departures could have a catastrophic effect on the Test team's standing, with Benaud going so far as to suggest any comparisions to the triple blow Australian cricket suffered in 1982/83, from which the team took five years to recover, fall well short of the potential damage to the side that now looms.

We won't end up like we were in the mid eighties, our structure is that much better now, but we will not get close to being the force we've been since Warne spun out Sri Lanka at Colombo in 1992.

Come back, Shane. I miss you already.

MANCHESTER UNSIGHTED

Where's Vaughny? Those of you whot tuned in here when we lost The Ashes will remember Vaughny from Manchester. Chances are you DO remember, afterall, it WAS only 15 months ago. Give or take a day. The belligerent bugger was all over us then - "DOO DOO BE BOB WAH WAH WAH." See what I mean. Well Vaughny, me old Dread Devil, if you're skulking out there somewhere, as I suspect you are, this one's for you:

A NICE LITTLE URNA

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

UNFINISHED BUSINESS - STILL!

Alex Brown writes in today's Age "Flintoff is well aware that no English side has ever returned from a 2-0 deficit to win an Ashes series in the 124-year history of the competition."

So what. If Australia win this test, it's all over. Good. But if we draw, or worse, manage to lose in Perth, England are still in the contest. They DON'T NEED to win all three Tests, two will do. That's the burden of regain, not retain. England might have been spanked in the first Test then choked into a humiliating loss in the second - but they can still hang onto the Ashes.

If Straya held the Ashes I'd be pretty damn confident England wouldn't be able to win the next three Tests. But since England hold them and we haven't yet wrapped up the series despite leading 2-0, I have this gnawing suspicion things could get antsy. Remember Edgbaston and its sudden momentum shift; Ponting is unlikely to ever again send a team in. (The Perth toss is less of a worry since no one seems to have any idea how the WACA wicket will play. It could even be a "good toss to lose".) However, you can never discount a metaphorical ball under McGrath's foot. There's also the Strayan celebrations after the Adelaide Test. That was a very large outpouring of emotion for what amounted to a half-time lead. And Martyn's retirement, anyone? Who knows what effect that will have on the team. Nor is Sideshow Roy anyone's idea of an established Test cricketer.

All the media talk craving a tight series - a contest - is just so much bullshit to me. I want to stomp England in Perth to wrap up the Ashes and then I want to stomp them in Melbourne and Sydney to complete a rout. 5-0 sounds brilliant to me. I don't want the series alive in Melbourne or Sydney. The longer the Ashes are unrecovered, the more chance there is of England getting their act together to retain them after Christmas.

Should Straya fail to win The Ashes back after leading 2-0 at home, they would be held up for greater ridicule than England ever were in Adelaide. Wombats two - Wombles too good!

MANIMAL RIGHTS

Is it right to scapegoat Duncan Fletcher? Or is he just one of those blokes you WANT to scapegoat? Like Graeme Smith. Either way, doing so ignores one obvious fact - the man's not a complete dickhead. Unlike Graeme Smith. Brendan McArdle puts things into perspective, as usual.

Scapegoat on menu if cupboard is bare

Fletcher's three debatable selection issues aren't as clear cut as many are making out. Geraint Jones, Ashley Giles and James Anderson may be pretty unremarkable cricketers, but each of the trio who would replace them have serious flaws in their games.

Malupropism: There's a phrase creeping into the vernacular here "That gets up my goat". Usually it's said without any sense of irony, so I can only assume the person saying it is a cretin. Even though it is slightly funny.

T. BREAK

Time for contemplation.

One of the stupid aspects of modern cricket, apart from batsmen touching each other's gloves, is the need to cram back-to-back Tests into the schedule.

Not for the players, mind, they're getting paid a small fortune to strut their stuff and the likes of Sir Shameless Cricket OA, KPMG, MCG with Gum Leaves wants to play everyday anyway, but for the fan. Do cricket's nabobs realise how much emotional energy your rusted-on cricket fan puts into watching the caper? No sooner had the Gabba Test finished than the SACA test was off and, well, if not running, then jogging along. Sure, the First Test was a flogging and four fifths of the Second Test considered a dud by many, but by 7:00 Croweater time most of us tragics would have been well and truly thrashed out. Now at least there's a ten day break until the WACA Test, so we've a chance to take a breather.

One thing is apparent from the SACA Test. If one Test can change course so dramatically, so too can a series. The overwhelming majority of public opinion is that England are shot ducks. Admittedly, last night it looked as if Laurie Levy was ready to dump their sorry carcass on the steps of Parliament House. But Australia need to either win one more Test, or draw two. Easier said than done. Yes, yes, yes, we are in the cover-driver's seat, but as Strauss's unlucky dismissal proved, you only need the tinniest piece of bad luck and everything can go boss-eyed. Any of you stepped on a ball lately?

Lid. On. It.

Other than that, there's not too much to say that hasn't already been well said in the recent brilliant comments threads. I mean, apart from Carrot. "Am I the only Australian who's disappointed here?" Like, duuude! You're an Aussie in Engerland. Remember last year? Remember the gloatage? The smugosity? The Gongs? The Red Bus Parade?

EXTRAS

Cooley Dooley: Yesterday Lee and McGrath were tailing the ball beautifully. Is Troy Cooley some kind of magic talisman?

Boiled Lolly to Chocolate: Les Burdett.

Bucknor & Koertzen: Can't agree with Clem. We've had some shocking umpiring over recent years, but apart from a couple of glaring examples, Morgan and Rudy have so far done a bang up job. Rub of the green, right Boycs?

WACA: I'm not about to speculate on the team for Perth. What is more important is to work out a nickname for Stuart Clark and a better nickname for Michael Clarke - Pup is stupid. Nicknames are also required for any potential Test player. Hungry Jaques is a given, Haddos for Brad Haddin is traditional and Larry Tait works for Shaun Tait. For me, anyway. Not forgetting Mitchell Johnston and Shane Watson. Watto just doesn't work for me.

Tabermory: Guess which paper? It wasn't The Times.

NEVER IN DOUBT

Get fvcked, Edgbaston. Your thoughts, please.

BORE WAR?

Everyone's going on about how this test has been the dreariest since Neville Oliver. It's not that bad, is it? I mean, sure it's not the greatest, what with England starting like snails and their first innings dragging on forever. But that would have been great if you were a Barmy Soldier or Pommy civilian. And while the Aussie innings also went on for ages, it was pretty solid "entertainment". Sunday was great.

Day 5 prediction. England, despite a few early palpitations, settle in comfortably and declare at tea about 300 ahead. Australian hubris tempts them to take up the chase with about 30 overs left. But they suffer their own palpitations when Fanie De Hoggard puts the skids under the top order. A hasty rearguard is arranged by Hussey and the match ends in a draw. On evidence to hand, talk of Warne going through the Poms is so much folderol. Mind you, any collapse would be a two-edged bat. Can you just imagine if they were bundled this morning and we had to chase 180 odd? Ohh. The. Pain.

Soimon The Loikable. People in high places must loik him. It's the only way he could have gotten a gig in the Noin commentary box. Has the jump to three-man teams meant they are short of "talent"? Soimon's stupid laugh alone should see him sent back to the Cricket Show.

CRICK BITS

Bowled Prediction: "I've got my own lack of ease about whether Australia can bowl England out enough times to regain, not just retain, the Ashes." We did it during the first innings in Brisbane, can we do it again to assure we get the Ashes back?

Field: The commentators have been banging on about England's savvy field positions. Why? Putting fielders in the right place is not rocket science. Hayden and Martyn waft so bowlers will aim to get them outside off. Gilchrist has been troubled by fast swingers. (Who isn't.) But with Hayden, Martyn and Gilly all being around long enough to have their techniques scrutinised, only a cretin would not attack their weaknesses.

Sunday: Yesterday's was the best day of Aussie test cricket since the last Ashes. Tight bowling, determined batting, a tough contest.

The Gilo: When he dropped Ponting, you just knew it was one of these moments. Add in Courtney Brown's grassing of Swaugh at Sabina Park.

Homogenised AND Pasteurised: Have CrickAussie put out the word to the curators? "Matches must last five days." These bland, batting tracks might be good for the bottom line, but an attractive thing about tests in Straya was the variety of tracks from the Gabba through to the SCG.

Pietersen: I bagged him last year, but he's better now. A lot better. Still, the pitches are made-to-order for an aggressive batsman. How might he go on a dodgy track? See Homogenised and Pasteurised.

The Pies: Collingwood? Good scrapper, no mug, but a run-machine? He's not that good, is he? Surely not. See Homogenised and Pasteurised.

Fleming: Damien "bowls nice areas" Fleming is an excellent addition to the radio commentary. Knows the game, can put it across, reacts well with other commentators, and his sense of humour doesn't require "polite" laughter or carbon dating.

Gilly: Just when it looks like he's putting a score together, he gets himself out. Goose.

Shameless: Just in case you've been misinformed - Hussey's a gem.

Woody: Woody the Pom makes a good point. "[England] have turned middle and late order collapses into an art form, which explains why we don't do reckles abandon as much as your boys." One thing that is easy to overlook when the Aussies aren't doing as well as expected, especially when they get themselves out batting like cowboys, is that we're used to them thumping hacks. It's a bit of a surprise when an opposition fails to roll over.

Perth: Marto out, Watson in? Flat-Track out, Hungry Jaques in? Lee out, Tait in? Pigeon? Bring in Magilla for Warne if Warne keeps Gilesing the pill down leg side. Pity Cameron White is not quite there as a leggy.

TOSSER HUSSAIN

When it comes to tossing, Nasser Hussain is the go-to guy. Or was, before Ponting's Edgbaston brain explosion. Anyway, Nass is spot on when he says the toss today is crucial and in doing so he hits, indirectly, on something that has been bugging me over the last few seasons - the toss has become TOO important. It's not comfortable sitting here, fingers and toes crossed, hoping Ponting wins or Freddie loses. It shouldn't be like that. Sure, luck is a large part of any sport, but cricket is too fantastic a game to be decided by pure tin-arse luck. Is there another way to decide who bats and bowls first? Maybe there could be one toss at the start of a series with the winner getting to pick whether he bats or bowls in the first test, and thereafter the roles alternate. Of course, that means home team groundstaff can prepare wickets to suit in advance. I dunno. There's got to be another way.

Don't lose toss, 'Fred'

ENGLAND faces its moment of truth if Andrew Flintoff loses the toss in today's second Test at Adelaide Oval, according to former skipper Nasser Hussain. Hussain threw away the Ashes when he sent Australia into bat in the first Test of the 2002-03 series in Brisbane.

He hopes "Freddie" Flintoff calls correctly today with England 1-0 down in the five-Test series. "It is absolutely crucial," said Hussain, who watched Australia pile on 492 in its first innings at the Gabba four years ago. "If the toss goes the other way it will be biggest Test of the careers of Flintoff and (coach) Duncan Fletcher."

Don't be mislead by the title, I like Nasser Hussain. He makes for a refreshing break from the likes of Ian Botham, Bob Willis and Paul Allott.

NOT QUITE RATE

The Beeb's Oliver Brett rates the First Test performances. Did he even watch the match?

James Anderson – 5 His match figures do not make for pretty reading, although Ricky Ponting said he felt the Lancashire swing merchant had bowled well at times. Dropped a catch he should have taken but ran out Justin Langer.

Andrew Flintoff – 6 Bowled beautifully on the first day when so little else went right for England, but rather faded from Friday onwards. He is in desperate need of a good score with the bat – it’s been a very long time since he hit a big score for England in any format. No glaring captaincy errors, but that’s an area that will remain under scrutiny.

Adam Gilchrist – 6 His susceptibility to England left-handers was again shown up when he succumbed to a three-ball duck to Matthew Hoggard on day two. However he kept wicket very well, with four catches and a stumping.

Stephen Harmison – 5 Was the target of huge criticism – Ian Chappell calling him “as underdone as steak tartare” – and remains England’s biggest enigma. In fairness, conditions were not as helpful to him as they were expected to be.

Oliver Brett - 4 His match ratings do not make for pretty reading, consisting mostly of rank howlers or wood-arsing on the fence. Anderson ran out Haydos, not Gnome; AB on tonight's Cricket Show is only the most recent pundit to say Freddie should have bowled first up on Day 2; Matthew Hoggard is a right-hander, not a molly; Harmison does not deserve a pass because the "conditions were not helpful". However, Strauss as WOG (Worst on Ground) was sound, with the key opener twice falling to sucker balls.

WELSH RABBITTING

Jesus, don't the commentators rabbit on about Simon Jones and sliding? It's starting to get on my tits. There's no science to sliding - you just run, slide and stop the ball. Most every kid around the country can do it without much fuss. Sure, every now and again you balls it up, but the way they go on about it you'd think sliding was up there with batting, bowling or something really difficult, like cooking perfect toast.

I DO DECLARE

I have a strong feeling that we won't roll England before tomorrow night. First, there's Tone and The Dick's urging for rain. Second, the pitch seems to be playing fine and England don't look as if they're going to flop like the first innings. Sure, we should roll them, but I have this queasy feeling in my guts that it could all go spectacularly wrong. That feeling eased slightly when Strauss and Bell were dismissed, but it's there nevertheless, nibbling and nagging. Imagine the rumpus if the match was drawn. Ponting's decision not to enforce the follow-on would be compared with THAT! one when he sent them in at Edgbaston. England, too, would consider the result a win and the pressure for Australia to regain, not retain, the Ashes would be that much greater. In short, it would be a disaster.

Please, someone tell me I'm being foolish.

BAT'S MORE LIKE IT

Just in case you're the only cricket fan on this bright blue orb that doesn't already know it - Ponting won the toss and we're batting.

"Nine times out of ten, you should automatically bat first. The other time you should think about fielding, but then bat anyway."

Updates!

1. Spank the google-cheat.

2. How happy was Ponting at the toss? Nearly as happy as me, I reckon.

3. No news is good news. With the telecast going through to stumps we were rudely denied Nine's charming invitation to "join us tomorrow as you leave us for Channel Nine Network News."

4. ABC's radio team of Spanky, Mitchell, JimBob, KoK, Aggers and Flemmo (an excellent addition) were pretty damn good. Apart from the vicious mozzing.

5. England miss NonHack Jones. Big time.

6. Pietersen bowling on Day 1? And turning them? How will Warne keep calm?

7. Ponting's a gun.

8. Is Shameless one of Australia's Living National Treasures? He should be. He's a better bat than Julian Burnside, a better bowler than John Farnham and quicker between the wickets than Colleen McCulloch and Ruth Cracknell put together.

9. I missed the Lowlight of the Day: "The abominable tea-time entertainment from Australia's answer to Chas 'N Dave, whose medley of spurious cricket-related jingles stunned even the Barmy Army into silence." It couldn't be Greg Champion, could it? Please tell me I'm wrong.

WIZARDS OF MOZZ?

Did you watch Ashes to Ashes last night? It wasn't bad as far as these TV pie nights go. That's not "wasn't bad" in the "wasn't bad, must be good" litotes sense, it's "wasn't bad" in the "wasn't as bad as You May Be Right" sense. We don't want to get carried away.

It was alright, alright.

The thing that struck me, apart from how hard The Dick tried to be funny and the biggest Westlife fan since, like, evah, was how much everyone talked up Engerland. Going by Malcolm Conn in the Strayan, the Poms are dust, the betting has Straya at $1.38 and England at $7.00 and Thommo had Straya winning 3-0. But on A2A (How hip am I?), most of the regular faces fell over themselves boosting England. Bull had them retaining the Ashes 2-2; Doyen (not Maestro, Dick - get it right) said England would retain them; Tone obviously likes England, that's his job. Naturally, they are in the business of talking up the product, but I got the impression they strongly believe Straya are in for a tough summer.

So, were they mozzing?

Well, England could win for any number of reasons. Strauss is crucial. Pietersen is crucial; Tone almost got down on his knees and bowed to his image. Harmison is crucial. Flintoff is crucial. Hack Jones could be crucial; according to Heals, anyway, and I suspect he might be onto something. (Heals certainly cut Chappelli up. Do you reckon they dislike each other? Or was their scrapping merely made-to-order?) Giles and/or Panesar could be crucial. Bell, Collingwood and Cook could be crucial.

The same goes for Straya. Gnome and Haydos - crucial. Ponting - crucial. Gilly - crucial. McGrath and Warne - crucial. The other bowlers - crucial. Anyone I've left out - crucial.

So, no. I don't think they were. It seemed they were merely trying to cover all bases.

But. What's the point of spending the best part of two hours analysing a series if EVERY player is going to be crucial? Tell us something we don't know. Shed a little light on tactics. Zero in on the weak links. Who's the most likely to flop? Give us something! Anything! The predictions last night were fairly and squarely in the realm of The Bleedin' Obvious meets Facile Speculation. I mutter the very same things to the television while munching Pringles and drinking Coke. Sure, A2A had the odd laugh, but other than its obvious thrust as a two hour retail opportunity, it gave us about the same as their commentary - rock all.

Sadly, it's no different to all the coverage since last September. It will be a huge relief when the Ashes start tomorrow because finally - Finally! - we'll get a break from the relentless and sometimes ridiculous speculation.

Bring. It. On.

PS: I stand by what I wrote once before. Straya aren't as good as the hype would have it; nor are England aren't as bad as the likes of Conn would have it. In fact, I have no idea who will win. Missed catches could be crucial.

INDIAN GIVING

So Richard Caborn, Britain's Minister for Sport, is worried one of our fatheads was giving it to Monty Panesar. What a dick. Caborn is obviously trying to shift the focus away from his own lack of success dealing with the problem. My experience watching sport around the orb says English football fans are the most racist. By far. Once I was at Aston Villa when nearly the whole crowd were chanting "You've got a team full of niggers" to the tune of Guantanamera. They thought it was a jolly old wheeze.

Yes, the Aussie fan who called Monty a "dumb Indian" is a fuckwit who thought he was being funny. He was probably pissed, too. (And weren't the media just perched ready to pounce on his lone wickedness.) If he'd said the same at the soccer in England he would have been kicked out for not being racist enough.

STRESCOTHICK

Damn. Straya will miss not being able to bowl at a clapped-out headcase hack who hasn't moved his feet since ... well ... ever.

Stressed Trescothick quits Ashes

ENGLAND'S Ashes preparations are in disarray after veteran opener Marcus Trescothick was flown home last night with a recurrence of the stress-related illness that sidelined him from the Champions Trophy. He will play no part in the Ashes series.

PADDING UP

Ok, so it's under two weeks to go and you've been wondering what's up with the AGB and cricket. Well, we've been taking it easy in the lead-up to The Ashes because there's going to be a lottle bit of cricket going on here for the next couple of months.

Naturally, the papers are full of it. Cricket, too. Take Saturday's Australian.

Malcolm Conn. "Potent South Australian fast bowler Shaun Tait has set a humiliated England up for a torrid mixture of body-battering and clinical dissection that is set to knock the Ashes from its grasp." Conn's all but given up on the Poms, but they aren't that bad. Nor are Australia that good. Ian Botham is one of the world's most dismally boring commentators, but he's right to say Australia "haven't beaten anyone." Still, we've beaten more than England. Not that England have to win. It's retain, not regain for the bath dodgers. Who's to say they won't play for five draws, thinking the longer they keep Straya at bay, they greater the pressure will build on us. Just watch Giles send those darts down leg side.

Malcolm Conn again. "Smith is a sook. Get over it." That's what he should have written, anyway.

Ummm ... Malcolm Conn. This time on Pietersen and the match in Canberra. "Whatever question marks there were hanging over England's batsmen yesterday morning, they have multiplied after an insipid performance against the PM's XI in Canberra."

Aaaannnd ... Malcolm Conn rightly gives The Shove a shove. "How depressing. In a week where the world's fastest bowler, Shoaib Akhtar, appealed against a two-year drugs ban and the ICC abandoned even the charade of good governance to sack Darell Hair in disgraceful circs, what is the big issue? A needless, tactless tap and pat by a couple of diplomatically challenged Australian cricketers highlights why cricket is in such a shambles." Have you ever seen a greater beat up. Let's see Indian telly super-slo mo Murali's bowling 1,000 times. Not this pissant nonsense.

Conn's support staff manage to get a look in - Ricky Ponting on Gnome BN; Peter Lalor on Shane Watson; Simon Wilde on Shameless Hussey, the new Border; Andrew Ramsay on "The Shove"; Mike "Mumbai" Coward sticks it to Daryl Hair, again. And Matt Price on ... ahhh ... Malcolm Conn. "Malcolm Conn is wasted on cricket." Conn's written a book.

Anyway, that's just Saturday. Is anyone feeling swamped by all the cricket coverage? I know I am, you barely know where to start. At least a series here means more Crash Craddock and less Ben Dorries. The less of that little twerp, the better.

PS: We had better win. England have picked Jones, and it would be agony were England to retain the Ashes with that scrubber in the side.

PPS: Did one of you text me Friday about Tait vis-a-vis a suss action? Names weren't showing on my phone. I didn't see any of Friday's match, nor did I previously think Tait lacked a straight arm, just a fluent action. But reading on Saturday that he's now bowling over 150 made me go hmmmm.

ASHES TO GNASHES, DUST TO BULLDUST

Simon Barnes claims the mozz in today's Strayan:

Hope and fear go hand in glove for England

IN just 50 days it begins. There are numbers that numb and there are others that startle, and this is one in the latter category. In just 50 days from today, England will be taking on Australia in Australia with the Ashes at stake. If it is half as good as last time, it will be one of the greatest sporting encounters in history.

But I feel distinctly uneasy.

Why are Straya cocky? Why, because they reckon England's win last year was a fluke. Everything went right for the Poms, including Punter handing them the luck on a platter at Edgbaston, and still they only just won. Why are the bath dodgers uneasy? Why, because they have been playing shit (But not THAT shit!) and key players are missing.

I'm not having it.

Australia are not as good as their cockying would indicate, nor are England as bad as Barnes' uneasing might suggest. Simon Jones is a huge loss, yes, just look at the last test last time. And Vaughny, sorry Vaughan will be missed. But I've got my own lack of ease about whether Australia can bowl England out enough times to regain, not just retain, the Ashes.