Well, that's it then, The Ashes are gone. Time to pray for a miracle - or rain. Or both. So long, and thanks for all the eel-pie, you bastards! I mean that in the nicest possible fucking way, you understand.
Ok then, enough with the politesse, let's not beat around the mulberry. In recent years Australia have profited big time from dropped catches, favourable umpiring and general opposition clownishness. "Christ, we got away with one there," is an oft heard phrase hereabouts after yet another bungle in the field or a rank howler from the men in white.
These were often at crucial moments. Most recently at Lords Kevin Pietersen put down a sitter off Michael Clarke. KP snaffles that and Australia are in trouble, but he didn't and Clarke went on to post a match-winning 91. In Adelaide, New Zealand had Australia something like 5 for 220 with Gilchrist and Clarke at the wicket. Gilly was given not out when he was plumb LBW and then cut loose to set up a comfortable Australian victory. Herschelle Gibbs famously put down Steve Waugh in the 99 World Cup. Waugh went on to make his best ever one-day hundred. Daffy Donald Duck's run-out compounded the South African misery in the semi-final. For mine, though, there was no greater let-off than when Courtney Browne put down a doddle of Waugh at Sabina Park in 1995. Waugh, 42 at the time, went on to post 200 and set up an Australian series victory. Remember, too, that Waugh had earlier claimed Brian Lara with what turned out to be a no-catch.
That's just a small grab. In the last ten or so years it is staggering the number of times Australia have been let off the hook. They have also played a lot of shit sides against who they could afford to drop catches. That is not to say they weren't deserving of success, just that they have been building up an enormous overdraft of luck and/or happenstance. Sooner or later, the debt was bound to be called. What goes around, comes aground, as they say. All that need be negotiated was When? and By how much?
Well, it's stating the bleedin' obvious, but when is NOW. And how much is TOO FUCKING MUCH.
Fielding: This northern summer Australia's ground-fielding and catching have been atrocious to the point of comedic. Were it another country's team committing these shockers I would have laughed myself silly. Instead, my remote-control has suffered the mother of all hidings as chance after chance has gifted England the initiative.
Batting: Oh for an Allan Border or a Steve Waugh. At the crease, the Aussie batsmen have been cavalier to the point of careless. But now that they have decided to apply themselves, superficially a least, England have the momentum and are pouncing on nearly every Aussie mistake. Three words sum up half the top order- FTBs.
Umpiring: This is a gross and undignified whinge. Quite atypical of me, as I'm sure you will agree. Quite. Australia's appalling run with the umpires has been something to behold. It has gotten to the point that when the English go up for an appeal, one immediately expects a wicket. Conversely, the first thing that comes to mind when the Aussies create a chance is "No chance!"
Injuries: After McGrath's first test it was immediately apparent we would struggle without him. It wasn't long before that was proved correct. There would be very few Aussie cricket fans who didn't gasp with dread when they realised McGrath was going to miss Edgbaston. To make matters worse, Ponting chose to bowl.
The toss: In 2001 Australia won every toss. Here we won the first, "won" the second (Fucking Ponting!), but have since lost the last two. In any of the second, third or fourth test, had we batted first, at least one result would probably have gone our way.
Bowling: The no-balls. Trescothick in the runs? Pinch me. It is unbelievable how many wickets we have "taken" with no-balls. Although I'm of the opinion that if they weren't no-balls, each delivery would have been different and a wicket not taken, the sense of disappointment deflates the bowling side and boosts the batting side, contributing to their momentum. Second, and most obviously, England have bowled better, much better, keeping pressure on all the time with their four quicks and Giles.
To be brutally frank, it's astounding Australia are in it at all. England have bowled better, batted better, fielded better, been captained better (How long has Ponting got, I wonder?) And given our largesse, we really should be at the very least, one down.
Now. The AGB doesn't want to appear churlish. Not at all. Not even a bit. So it is with abundant and heartfelt magnamaniousness that I say "well played, England" and concede that them winning the Ashes is a jolly good thing for cricket. It sets up a mouth-watering prospect for 2006/07. Two years is long enough for you to borrow the tiny trophy and we will be wanting it back by then, thank you very little.
