AGB Cricket

ADVANCE AUSTRALIA WHERE?

Stuart has a good summary of where Aussie cricket is at:

What is wrong with Australian Cricket?

It is clear now, hopefully to the hierarchy at Cricket Australia and not just the fans, that Australian cricket is not simply struggling, but in fact is in serious trouble. There are a number of 'Ashes' autopsies going on at the moment, however, that approach fails to correctly identify that this problem has been a number of years in the making and not a phenomenon of just the past three months. Similarly, the blame being aimed at the players does not delve deeply enough into the quagmire that is now besmirching Australian cricket in general. All aspects of the game need to be considered if the national side is to firstly arrest their current slide towards the bottom of the Test playing nations, and to start moving back towards being competitive with the top sides.

(Thanks, J.)

FOR FROCK'S SAKE

Pretty hard to disagree with Spanky's take on the Allan Border Medal night of night's big screen television event spectacular:

Time to roll up the red carpet and do away with this fluff and nonsense

If Cricket Australia is going to get rid of anything, it ought to be the infernal Allan Border Medal and not Sheffield Shield matches. If commentators are going to grizzle about anything, it ought to be the long and disjointed program and not the fact that players might appreciate a smoko once in a while.

Retaining the AB Medal, dumping the Shield final, expanding the Big Bash so that it dominates the core of the season and finishing Test series by January 7 suggests that Australian cricket's priorities are upside-down. Let's hope Don Argus has his wits about him.

And Will Brodie, who has done some excellent work this summer, sums up the summer, or something:

The cricketing feats not recognised by the Allan Border Medal

The 'This Is What It Must Have Felt Like To Be A Pom For All Those Years' Award: Last ball, fourth day, second Test. Michael Clarke, in his only good form of the series, and holding the last realistic hope of getting Australia out of trouble, manages to lose his wicket to part-time spinner, and chief Pommie panto villain Kevin Pietersen, on the last ball of the day's play.

BOWLED, SHAME

This shenanigan has drawn a disappointingly circumspect response.

Crooky, wood-arsing on the fence, as usual, "odd":

16.3 Yardy to Johnson, no run, 101.7 kph, now then, what's happened here? Johnson has taken a big swing, Prior takes the bails off and then doesn't seem to bother appealing. It's almost as if he thinks Johnson has been bowled, but clearly that hasn't happened. Prior has taken the bails off with Johnson's foot completely grounded - and he's not out. Very odd.

The Australian, the Herald Sun and The Age contain only two mentions. That may change.

Malcolm Conn in The Australian:

When pinch-hitter Mitchell Johnson was 17, wicket-keeper Matt Prior knocked a bail off and then appeared to suggest that Johnson had been bowled.

The left-hander had a big swing at left-arm slow bowler Michael Yardy and missed. The ball may have just flicked the top of off stump but there was a noticeable delay as Prior took the ball and then dislodged a bail.

Daniel Brettig in the Herald Sun, "curious":

There was one curious episode involving Matt Prior and an apparent appeal for bowled even though it was Prior's gloves that had disturbed the bails, but otherwise Johnson sailed smoothly to his half century.

The Age didn't bother.

Fortunately, one English pundit had the guts to call it as he saw it.

Ian Botham I:

"Terrible. Cheating. How much do you want it to bounce into your gloves? He knows he it hasn't bowled him."

"Sometimes I'm hard but in my own mind I think what I said was right... look at the footage, it was pretty ordinary."

Ian Botham II:

"I'm paid to call it as I see it."

"I've played the game as hard as anyone on the planet, but there are certain things you don't do... draw your own conclusions."

Well said*, Sir Beef.

* Not said.

AD FIB

Update! The Herald Sun, no doubt prompted by the AGB's incisive commentary, gets with the program. Curiously, there is no byline:

Matt Prior caught out on wicket fib

Herald Sun February 03, 2011 10:59am

SIR Ian Botham went berserk when Phillip Hughes claimed a catch that wasn't in the final Ashes Test at the SCG - but nothing was said last night when Matt Prior argued Mitchell Johnson was clean bowled.

The English wicket keeper caught a delivery from Michael Yardy after Johnson went for a big hit.

Despite Johnson's foot still firmly planted in the crease, Prior appealed for a clean bowling after actually knocking the bails off himself.

As the replay hit the big screen, there was confusion among the commentators and fans booed.

It is still not known whether Prior will have to answer to a match official for the supposed 'wicket'.

MOVE ALONG! ALMOST NOTHING TO SEE HERE

Bowled, Shame is attracting its own odd and curious coverage:

Prior appeal fires up the faithful

IT WAS not as controversial as the underarm incident that threatened trans-Tasman relations 30 years ago but Matt Prior has angered many punters in the blogosphere with his actions during Wednesday night's game in Sydney. The England wicketkeeper came under fire after appealing for a bowled against Mitchell Johnson despite replays showing he had dislodged the bail with his glove. There was confusion as to whether Prior had been appealing for a stumping but Johnson's foot had never left the crease.

Am I missing something? Prior's brain snap - to keep things accusation neutral - is a bona fide hot item and yet the best MSM can come up with is to cite angry "punters in the blogosphere" and make assorted references to curious and odd.

For the record, I cannot believe Prior would intentionally, on purpose, really and actually knock the bails off on national telly, but the incident looked dreadful and certainly warrants media scrutiny. Time to man up, MSM.

Also, I have a theory (one of many, don't ya know) that the Aussie cricketers have decided to say "I don't know" after all close catches, even if they think the ball bounced (Hughes, Smith) so the umpires take it out of their hands, and more importantly, so they don't say "I didn't catch it" when subsequent footage, however unlikely, reveals they did indeed catch the ball.

ATTEMPTING CARE OF BUSINESS

It must be a bugger these days in the newspaper world, keeping track of what is published, and when, with multiple editions and multiple formats.

Compare Spanky in The Online Age online:

Ponting broke the bone attempting a slips catch in Perth. It was December 18th. He deflected the ball to wicketkeeper Brad Haddin, realised immediately that something was wrong, and left the field to seek attention and an X-ray.

With Spanky in The Paper Age:

Ponting broke the bone taking a slip catch in Perth on December 18. He hung on to an edge in the cordon, realised immediately something was wrong and left the field to seek attention and an x-ray.

Of course, the same multiple editions and multiple formats are a boon to pedants who have nothing better to do than point and laugh at minor media mistakes.

CB SERIES

So, as Mark Twain once asked: have the reports of the death of F50 really been greatly exaggerated? (Premature obituaries.)

THE BUCK STOPS THERE

So we all pretty much agree with Stakeholders Sutherland that there has been the odd "supreme error of judgment" but is it absolutely necessary for the CA boss to criticise the troops in public? Especially when there is just the remotest possibility blame could be sheeted back home to Stakeholders. For a start, he could have stopped Clarke, Hughes and Teflon Tim Nielsen from attending sponsor functions. (Maybe he was upset because the sponsor functions conflicted with CA sponsors.) Not that a couple of sporties are the reason Australia were rubbish this summer:

Cricket supremo hits out

THE fallout from Australia's Ashes demise has continued with Cricket Australia chief executive James Sutherland claiming Michael Clarke and Phil Hughes made a "supreme error of judgment" in attending functions on the morning of Tests.

Sutherland, who rarely airs his views publicly in such a forthright manner, has blasted the pair for jeopardising their on-field preparations.

It is understood Australian coach Tim Nielsen, who should have had the authority to stop the players from attending functions, had attended a breakfast function during the Perth Test.

Sutherland also endorsed rumblings from CA powerbrokers over comments made by selection chairman Andrew Hilditch in Sydney.

"Andrew's comments... were unfortunate, and I think what he was trying to say was the selectors had tried their hardest."

Just a thought: was England not roundly given the rounds of the kitchen after their shambolic preparation to the 2009 Headingley Test? Slow learners, these cricketers.

 

Update I: A remotest possibility.

James Sutherland is a supreme error

Naming a 17 man squad in a city centre to make a marketing deadline is ok...

 

Update II: Get sacked!

Sack yourselves, players tell CA board

THE growing push for Cricket Australia's board to resign in the wake of the Ashes debacle became a roar yesterday. The nation's players have called for an independent commission to run the game.

 

Update III: Forsook's sake!

Test team forsaken by PR games

AUSTRALIA'S players believe their national and state governing bodies have become complacent and are questioning their priorities.

 

Update IV: "a riot of arse-covering and buck-passing"

Cricket Australia, look at yourself

As for the rest of us in Australian cricket, a contagious and debilitating cynicism is spreading: there is a feeling that something is amiss, that something is being lost, that the players are overpaid numpties and/or B-list celebrity haircuts, that the administrators are beige bureaucrats and/or shonky spivs, and that those who care about cricket, who have it in their blood, who think it a fine thing and worth fighting for, are being marginalised and excluded, because they are at odds with the fast-buck mentality, because they object to being slotted into demographics of "cricket consumers'".

 

I FEEL LIKE A DICKHEAD TONIGHT

"While not everyone will admit it, virtually everyone has performed the 'Chicken Dance."

They have?

As a faithful customer of the "official restaurant of Australian cricket" you could could be a "part of history", or you could just be a dickhead tomorrow night:

KFC will attempt to break world record for biggest ever 'Chicken Dance' at the MCG this friday night

KFC has today asked cricket fans to channel their inner chook as they lead a world record attempt of the biggest ever 'Chicken Dance' at the Australia vs. England Twenty20 cricket match this Friday night at the MCG.

At 7.15pm the crowd will be called on by 400 KFC Colonels to bust out their best moves and perform the world-famous 'Chicken Dance'.

Hate mail here:

The event is a joint effort by KFC's ad agency Ogilvy & Mather, Sydney, PR agency Pulse Communications and experiental agency Ensemble Australia.

(Hats off, Litza.)

THE CAR CRASHES

The last word on the 2010/11 Ashes? Sadly, n-o. We could, with the use of the same black-out marker England use for 2006/07, try to hide the existence of the recent car crash, but the memory will keep returning. Think of dog shit on the carpet. You have assiduously cleaned up the mess, but you still think you can smell the stench. "What's that stink? Oh, fvck. I just thought of Boxing Day 2010."

NICKNAME DROPPER

The great lexicographers of our age are in furious agreement: Nine cannot go one sentence without a commentator using a nickname for another commentator. So which Nine telecast has J.O. Smoking Joe Joseph O'Neill been watching?!?

The bliss of winning on foreign soil

I watched these Ashes, from New York, on legally dubious links provided by a website called totalsportsmadness.com. Sometimes you got the Sky Sports coverage – Bumble, Beefy, Nasser, Athers: a poem by Ogden Nash – other times you ended up with Australia's Channel Nine coverage and its nicknameless greats – Mark Taylor, Michael Slater, Bill Lawry. Only Warney featured in both broadcasts, spinning both ways, of course.

Not a bad article, but.

I SUPPOSE A ROOT (AND BRANCH) IS OUT OF THE QUESTION?

Australia in crisis, but also in denial

Michael Clarke does not think Australian cricket is in crisis, but there can be no other description after what has happened over the past seven weeks. The elite game in the country has collapsed on and off the field during a record Ashes thrashing, from coaching and selection to more mundane matters like batting and bowling.

Clarke wants Australia to learn from England

After seeing their world-beating game-plan improved on by England, Australia are now looking to their Ashes dominators to provide a way out this mess. For more than a decade Australia were the leaders in planning and innovation, but over the past couple of years they have gone into freefall.

England captain Andrew Strauss applies choke hold on Aussies

TRIUMPHANT England skipper Andrew Strauss has revealed the strategy he used to bring Australia undone this summer.

Fancy footwork in blame game

FORMER players Michael Slater and Shane Warne believe technology-happy coaches and selectors have a case to answer for Australia's Ashes failure, while our Test flops deserve "tough love". However, chairman of selectors Andrew Hilditch, coach Tim Nielsen and stand-in skipper Michael Clarke last night brushed off blame for Australia's fall from grace as a Test nation.

England victory the start of era, English press say

ENGLISH commentators hailed their cricketers' crushing defeat of Australia, saying the side's first Ashes series win Down Under for 24 years heralded the start of a new era.

"Shout it from the rooftops. England have a cricket team to be proud of while Australia are about to embark on the sort of soul searching that has been an English prerogative for far too long," gloated the Daily Mail.

Future is finger lickin' bleak for Australian cricket

ALL the right noises will be made about reviving Australia as a Test nation, but the harsh reality is there is a big, fat greasy chicken meal standing in its way. It is called the KFC Big Bash.

Yes, yes, we know there will be a "major, deep-seated review" after the Ashes. Just like there was when Australia lost the Ashes a few years ago. But this time, Australia is cornered. The room for improvement is minimal.

Players beaten, not panel: Hilditch

ANDREW HILDITCH declared that Australia's selection panel had ''done a very good job'' in the aftermath of one of their worst series results in history. The national selection panel chairman lays the blame squarely with the players - but also backed those players to continue.

Hilditch refused to accept blame over the disastrous outcome and said he would not stand down from the role he ''loves''.

Time for the axe, and chop from top down

Clearly the time has come to hold those responsible to account. Let's start at the top. Substantial changes are required across the board and especially in the board. The custom of collecting a few fellows from states and putting them in charge of a multimillion-dollar industry and national game has passed its sell-by date. The board ought to be ditched and replaced by a commission. Mark Taylor can serve as chairman assisted by thoughtful cricketing people such as Skander Malcolm (CEO of General Electric Australia), Steve Waugh, Eddie McGuire, John O'Neill, Waleed Aly, Patrick Gallagher (CEO of Allen and Unwin), Steve Bernard and Ian Chappell. No conflicts of interest allowed.

Out of defeat, an opportunity emerges

WHETHER the Australian team realise it or not, there are little more than 20 Test matches between now and the quest to regain the Ashes in England in 2013. Therefore those who administer the game must conduct a review to determine what is right, what is wrong, what works and what requires fixing, while taking into account the grim reality that the great teams of the 1990s and 2000s might never be achievable again.

It's time to rein in the show ponies, says Gray

FORMER Cricket Australia chairman Malcolm Gray believes Ricky Ponting's team has become preoccupied with its ''celebrity'' status and has urged the game's administrators and coaches to get tough in a bid to redeem the Ashes failures.

Unbending schedule was against us: CA

A muddled Cricket Australia has painted itself as a victim of circumstances which hampered the preparation of the nation's humiliated Test team.

Australian cricket under review after hiding

Australian cricket will subject itself to a thorough review of the management and planning that led to a 3-1 humiliation in the Ashes series, though none of the principal cast members are prepared to accept blame for the result.

Cricket Australia chief executive James Sutherland, coach Tim Nielsen and chairman of selectors Andrew Hilditch all spoke in the aftermath of a third innings defeat for the series, and all insisted they had done the best job they could.

Sutherland spoke bluntly about the fact that CA could not expect to keep doing the same things and reap a better result in the next Ashes series in 2013, but there seems little likelihood of sweeping change.

Shot to pieces by the Old Enemy, Australia must go to Waugh

CRICKET Australia needs to sign Steve Waugh as the head coach of the Australian cricket team immediately. Australian cricket is in desperate times. We need the toughest and the most honest people to guide us out of this awful mess. We need Steve Waugh to bring back some honour to the baggy green, and to start reading the riot act from state cricket through to the Test team.

Australian Test team needs bitter medicine

Australia's Test team must take some more bitter medicine before it again becomes competitive with the world's best teams, let alone dominant.

If losing 1-3 to England at home, with three innings defeats, is not low enough a point to be deemed the nadir - a point where serious deficiencies need to be examined - then we are the next West Indies, a nation which will have to turn to other summer pursuits for solace in generations to come.

CA chief backs Nielsen to continue as coach

TIM NIELSEN has received a public guarantee from Cricket Australia CEO James Sutherland that his future as the coach of Australia is safe, but admits he needs to change to reverse the fortunes of his underperforming team.

Sad songs say so much: but they don't have to last forever

Emotional? Deflated? Or just plain angry? Marcus Braid provides a guide for Australian cricket fans dealing with post-Ashes trauma.

No Ashes, no excuses and no place for losers to hide

FOUR years ago this week, as Australia romped through a lap of honour around a jubilant SCG, celebrating in a 5-0 crushing of England and the just-concluded careers of Shane Warne, Glenn McGrath and Justin Langer, captain Ricky Ponting took Michael Clarke aside and said that if these scenes were to be repeated after the next Ashes series, it would be up to them. The Barmy Army's corner of the ground was almost deserted.

Strip it bare, top to bottom

VICTORY always looks the same. Defeat always smells the same. Performance thereafter depends on how these experiences are treated. And the first step is to acknowledge that results are not random but the product of a hundred small decisions. Sustained success requires the sort of collective culture that takes years to build and 10 minutes to destroy. Decline indicates that bad or lazy habits have taken hold.

England sympathy cuts the deepest

THE scorn of your opponents is hard to deal with, but their sympathy is the biggest insult of all.

Speaking as a true cricket fan, I watched more cricket this summer than any summer since I was a schoolkid:

Baggy greens give Nine the blues too, with drop in ratings

CRICKET fans weren't the only ones depressed over the Australian team's characterless Ashes performance.

The Nine Network's ratings also sank as armchair fans switched off. The Ashes has traditionally provided the most popular Test matches for Australian viewers and even this series drew larger audiences than last summer's lacklustre games against Pakistan and the West Indies.

Buck-passing has become new national pastime

WHAT a relief. There we were thinking Australian cricket had become completely dysfunctional only to find there is nothing much wrong at all.

Australia may have lost the Ashes for the second time in 18 months and been humiliated like it has never been humiliated before but the game's governors and the team hierarchy are taking it in their stride. We are delighted to report that there is not a Corporal Jones among them. No one is charging around like a headless Australian batsman shouting "don't panic, don't panic."

Sydney atrocity brings horrific campaign to end

SOME deaths, as the feminist novel famously said, take a lifetime. This series has seemed like an eternity.

So it was merciful when the end came. The decline had been neither brief nor dignified. The last months a blur of pain and punishment.

Australian cricket will recover from Ashes humiliation: Sports Minister Mark Arbib

SPORTS Minister Mark Arbib is disappointed with the performance of the Australian cricket team but is confident it will recover from its humiliating Ashes defeat on home soil.

Ponting wants 'whole structure' reviewed

Ricky Ponting believes the standard of domestic cricket in Australia has slumped and the entire structure of Australian cricket needs to be reassessed after the Ashes defeat to England. Cricket Australia will review what went wrong after the hosts lost three of the five Ashes Tests by an innings, and Ponting expects the process to be rigorous in order to ensure the mistakes of the past few years are not repeated.

Buchanan, Hohns throw hats into ring

JOHN Buchanan and Trevor Hohns, two men who engineered Australia's golden run at the top of world cricket, have put their hands up to lift Australian cricket out of the doldrums.

Former Test captain Kim Hughes lashes Australian selectors, cries out for brutal Ashes review

FORMER Test captain Kim Hughes has scorched the Australian selectors and coaches, and fears Michael Clarke could be finished in the baggy green. Hughes said coaching guru Ric Charlesworth should head an independent review into Australian cricket.

I won't walk away, says Hilditch

Australia's beleaguered chairman of selectors Andrew Hilditch says the only way he'll leave his post is to be sacked.

England's Ashes mastermind puts heat on Hilditch

Ken Schofield said English cricket had benefited greatly since Geoff Miller's appointment as a full-time selection chairman in January 2008 and urged Australia to follow suit after it conducts its Ashes post-mortem.

"The amount of cricket now and the different disciplines - 20 overs, 50 overs the Test team - that's one thing they might one day want to look at. I'm sure it benefited the England set up in having a chief selector. It's a full-time position which hitherto was not."

"We're lucky to have guys who are upfront, who'll be visible, who'll take responsibility and if something's wrong they'll put their hands up."

THE BASHES

The T20 squad:

Cameron White (Captain), Tim Paine (Vice Captain), Aaron Finch, David Hussey, Mitchell Johnson, Brett Lee, Stephen O’Keefe, James Pattinson, Steve Smith, Shaun Tait, David Warner, Shane Watson.

Clarke out, as you all know by now. James Pattinson on SEN: "All we have to do is execute."

BELLYLINE

Fat Ian Botham has accused Our Phil Hughes of cheating, saying Hughes claimed a catch he knew had bounced when Cook was on 99. "Terrible. Cheating. He knows he hasn’t caught it." Yet Hughes immediately looked as though he thought he had not caught it, then said he was not sure (which Cook backed up). At no point did he claim the catch. The umpires referred it to the third umpire and Cook was then rightly given not out.

Did Botham accuse Strauss of cheating when he claimed Hughes in slips last year when the ball had clearly bounced? No. Did he accuse Bell of cheating when Bell obviously pulled a fast one? No. Did Botham say "He knows he hit it"? No:

Test batsmen stumble onto Hot Spot scam

VIDEO killed the confidence of umpire Aleem Dar and gave English batsman Ian Bell an undeserved century after baseless accusations of cheating against Phillip Hughes on a dramatic third day of the fifth Ashes Test.

Bell was on 67 when he nicked a Shane Watson delivery to wicketkeeper Brad Haddin. It was the loudest noise by a Bell since Big Ben struck midnight on New Years Eve. He belted it. Slogged it. Dar gave Bell out. The Englishman decided to ask for video adjudication.

Bell tried to con all concerned and to the detriment of the game, he succeeded.

Bell had conned Australia, conned Dar, conned the system.

Quite so. Botham's criticisms, as usual, are fatheaded partisan nonsense and should be ignored, just like his commentary.

THE POINT OF NO RETURN

TRANSITION VAMP

What really gets up my hooter about the current state of Aussie cricket is not that we are currently rubbish - I can wear that, in fact it has made cricket more interesting - it is that CricAussie has spent the last five years arrogantly telling us we were well positioned to transition from one dynasty to the next, as if Australia owned No.1.

As pragmatic as the next sensible cricket fan, I recognize that teams are not the best forever, unlike Greg Chappell and Malcolm Conn in 2007 during the last Sri Lanka tour to Australia:

THE joy of Australia's utter domination after such a dramatic loss of star personnel can only magnify concerns about the state of world cricket.

Greg Chappell said alarm bells should have started ringing around the globe when Australia won a third successive World Cup and, for the second time, went through undefeated. "There is a huge void in the game," Chappell told The Australian last week.

History says that Australia has never played more entertaining Test cricket. It would be even more fun if it came with more regular competition. The game needs it. (Link)

What goes around, runs aground:

I've no hankering for a close contest. The Poms’ time'll come again. And when they finally win an Ashes series they'll absolutely give it to us! (Link)

Where does our current collapse (a germane term) leave Australian cricket? Recent papers contain a lifetime’s supply of Kellog’s Variety regarding the future of our National Cricket Group.

John Anderson is snarky and positive, but not as positive as his sub-editor who topped the following article with “Blessed future”:

Sadly for those who revel in times of despair for the national team - and there are plenty of them - Australian cricket may just be on the verge of a very exciting era. (Link)

Crash Craddock, while not negative, is hardly bullish:

NOT happy with the current crop of Aussies, well say hello to the future. (Link)

Will Brodie has what I think is the most balanced assessment:

Who is going to replace Ricky Ponting, Michael Hussey, Brad Haddin? Who will be our next great Test spinner, fast bowler, middle order batsman?

Whether you think Australian cricket is in crisis, or is merely undergoing inevitable cyclic downturn after a golden age, there will soon be a lot of new faces in the national team. (Link)

Tim Lane is doomin’ and gloomin’, but makes plenty of sense:

A shortage of emerging Test talent is severely blighting cricket in this country.

THE Ashes wheel has been turning inexorably for more than five years and we in Australia were the last to notice. England had become a formidable team as Australia was falling from grace. The 5-0 win on the rebound four years ago only papered over the cracks; underneath, the fault lines were widening. (Link)

A couple of days ago in the Herald Sun there was an interesting quote:

"So much depends on reputation - guard it with your life," Robert Greene writes.

"Reputation is the cornerstone of power. Through reputation alone you can intimidate and win; once it slips, however, you are vulnerable, and will be attacked on all sides." (Link)

The article is mainly about Nick Riewoldt and the St Kilda photos, but it could also apply to Ricky Ponting. The more blunders you are perceived to have made, the greater your reputation suffers and the more your power wanes.

Ian Chappell is in no doubt that Ponting’s power has waned enough to warrant Ponting pulling the pin or getting the pin pulled for him:

Like a politician intoxicated by power, Ponting has talked about extending his leadership maybe as far as the 2013 Ashes series. This is unrealistic, as captains have a use-by date.

Their power to inspire wanes as the personnel changes and new ideas are required. A fresh side requires a younger captain; it needs to be his team. (Link)

Malcolm Knox expands on the Ponting legacy:

Ricky Ponting's captaincy - whether it ends now or later - will have dual legacies. On his watch, England have asserted their superiority, and Ponting's series losses in 2005 and 2009, with the overwhelming defeats in Adelaide and Melbourne this summer, will define his legacy. In 1984, Ian Chappell's first advice to new captain Allan Border was, ''Whatever else you do, don't lose to the Poms!'' Ashes cricket was, is and will be the benchmark of an Australian captain's success. (Link)

Greg Baum compares Aussie cricket to politics:

It happens to all dynasties, governments, too. They think they are on their game, alert to all the dangers, vigilant against complacency, but they are not. Their day comes. Australia's is here. (Link)

It is a fair comparison. Electoral gravity is like dynasty gravity, to concoct an appalling phrase. The longer you are in power, the more people you piss off and the greater your fall. Look at the NSW ALP. They have hung on for too long and are set to cop a hiding which has the potential to send them into several terms in opposition (mind you, the NSW ALP is a resolute beast), which is unlikely to be the fate of the Vic ALP who got booted at just about the right time, well before they were so on the nose they got smashed. Don't like politics? Try famed cricket sage, Danny from Withnail, and his comment about knowing when to quit: "If you're hanging on to a rising balloon, you're presented with a difficult decision — let go before it's too late or hang on and keep getting higher, posing the question: how long can you keep a grip on the rope?"

Baum’s article also contains the following tickler, which must be news to Matt Prior, who was blew at least one referral on Hughes:

Phil Hughes is so little regarded by England that it made a team rule not to blow a referral on him; he would be out soon enough anyway.

David Sygall details what went wrong:

Domestic decline, we exported our expertise, the mind-games factor, spinning confusion, bizarre selection policy, poor image, too metrosexual. (Link)

Henry Lawson says there are too many egg heads, not enough hard heads. And uses "bespoke" which is a win for the educated cricketers:

Coaches who have little or no experience at international level, and fitness and medical staff who have narrow and fixed ideas of what constitutes bespoke preparation and who basically don't understand the game, are a significant problem. That is the era we find ourselves in and it is unlikely to change with the current administration and coaching staff. (Link)

The key to regeneration of Australian cricket to find another Warne and McGrath. Those two, more than any other facet of Australian cricket, were responsible for our 10 to 15 years of dominance. Without them we would have been OK, with them we were brilliant. Warne is possibly the greatest match-winner in Test history. Both also masked any weakness. They allowed Australia to play the cavalier cricket of the dynasty, but they also inspired the cavalier - read: dumb - cricket we currently play. The sooner we get back to basics and realise it is no longer 1999 with ropey opposition, the quicker we will once again start playing proper Test cricket. Then we need to cross our fingers the professionalism we started won't be outstripped by the professionalism being exhibited by countries with bigger populations. England, for instance. Has the Olympic syndrome come to Australian cricket? For around twenty years East Germany, sorry, Australia got a jump on many of its rivals, but its rivals decided to emulate Australia and now Australia look as if they may once again struggle in Olympic sports. If South Africa, India and England get properly organised, Australia will not find it easy to climb back to No.1.

FOR F*CK SAKER

Not just in 2005, but at least 2009 and 2010, too:

Sometimes it is difficult to pinpoint why coaches are successful, but in Saker's case the overwhelming response from players is that he keeps things simple and develops relationships. But he is also a terrific cricket brain, and has far surpassed the achievements of Troy Cooley in 2005.

Love Brendan McArdle's work, but it has been plain as the nose on your pliers that for at least the last 18 months Cooley has been a Manchurian Bowling Coach. England let him go on porpoise to infiltrate and assassinate the National Bowling Group, like Carlton did when they sent Fevola to reek (not a spelling mistake; Fev has gone off like a stink bomb) havoc on Brisbane.

Cooley would no doubt tender injury as a mitigating circus pants for his apparent failure to develop the Australian bowlers, and it is true that the moment a fast bowler appears he is knocked over by injury (how much the injury plague can be attributed to Cooley is unknown), but it is undeniable that our bowlers were completely out-bowled by the England bowlers.

HAT-TRACK

Three juicy snippets about Michael Clarke's reaction to the WACA tracka:

Andrew Webster:

The rumours started in Perth before the Third Test when Ponting had to confront his deputy about sending the wrong message to the team. Clarke apparently had complained angrily about the green-top at the WACA, specifically to opener Phillip Hughes. It is said Ponting was far from impressed with his vice captain. Nor were others within the CA hierarchy.

Crash Craddock:

There is no sense whinging in the dressing room like several of them did in Perth.

Spanky Roebuck:

Perhaps responsibility will be his making. Until then the middle-order man had been singularly unimpressive. Convinced that the pitch was a stinker, and inclined to voice his opinions even in the presence of youngsters, he had lashed away with the bat in a manner unbecoming a senior batsman. Happily Mike Hussey was not as easily cowed or else the Ashes might already be back in England's safekeeping. A leader cannot afford to give any sign of despondency.

MERCHANT BINKER

What a winker:

“You know what, I have never said this before, but I got rid of the captaincy for the good of English cricket. We would not be here today if I had not done what I did then.”

~~ Kevin Pietersen

FOSSIL FOOLS

Hear, here (covered me bases there... thear?):

Change has to come, starting from the top
Malcolm Conn

The Cricket Australia board is having a detailed governance review which will end in October. The board should review itself out of existence.

A plodding, reactive, 19th century anachronism failing to keep pace in an ever-changing 21st century world, it should be replaced with a proactive, forward-thinking independent commission not bound in parochial state-based chains.

The CA board is ultimately responsible for this country's tumble from grace as a Test nation. It wallowed in the glory of Australia's decade of domination instead of reading the signs of what was coming.

DUMB AS A BOX OF AUSSIES

Superb article in The Guardian by one of Australia's top cricket pundits, Malcolm Knox, who targets our stupidity, lack of humility/excess of arrogance, our much vaunted, but currently daunted Aussie cricket system, our coaching, our selections, and the bleedin' obvious: why would anyone have tipped Australia to regain* the Ashes as England had clearly improved from 2009, while Australia had clearly got worse:

Humility the hardest lesson for humbled Australia

His first task will be to find smart cricketers. Of all the differences this summer, the clearest is intelligence. It's hard to remember an Australia team so repetitiously dumb. Stupid run-outs, lazy preparation and poor decision-making have characterised this team for a few years now. In Clarke, Watson and Johnson, Australians do not recognise the instinctive cricket smarts that were so obvious in the late 1980s rebuilding generation of Mark Taylor, Ian Healy and the Waugh twins.

(Thanks, RH.)

* Regain & retain are far too similar.

FIFTH TEST: THE SCG

Dead rubber?

NOD AND A HOODWINK

Something is not right in this Kevin Mitchell article in The Guardian. Kevin Pietersen winked at Ricky Ponting after the argument with Aleem Dar:

Hoodwinked by Kevin Pietersen

Ricky Ponting is riding out of town wearing a black hat and a bruised ego, victim of his own stretched impatience and a devilish piece of gamesmanship by Kevin Pietersen.

It emerged last night that it was Pietersen who tricked the Australian captain into his high-octane monologue at Dar after kidding him he had nicked the ball from Ryan Harris - when he knew he hadn't - that set off the Decision Referral System row on Monday. Whether it was a nod or a wink, KP put one over on Ponting.

Then, further and falsely emboldened to believe that the white hot-spot mark on Pietersen's bat was evidence of a genuine dismissal - when, clearly, it was nowhere near where the ball had innocently passed the bat - Ponting argued so vehemently with Dar and his colleague Tony Hill that it subsequently cost him a $5,400 (£3500) fine and a caution for Level 1 dissent.

These sorts of stories have the ability to gain momentum, sorry, the m-word, to grow legs. It will be interesting over coming weeks and even years to see how often this story is repeated as an item of fact.

There is a bigger post in referral system gamesmanship. For instance, fielding sides are gathering for exaggerated debates over whether to refer an LBW when they know the batsman has smashed the ball onto his pad. These meetings appear to be convened for the express purpose of unsettling the batsman. The referral process is an area ripe for exploitation.

TICK. VG.

2010 FORESIGHT

Go hard, go early:

From what the Australian bowlers have delivered so far in this series it would be staggering if we managed to regain the Ashes in 2010/11. We just don't have the fire-power to win one more Test than England over the five Tests.

Fingers crossed for some significant improvement, development, consistency, accuracy, etc bewteen now and this time next year.

SPANK THE MAAKI

Never in doubt. Spanky returns to his vomit:

Since that SCG Test has been raised, it's worth repeating that it was incomparably the lowest point reached by Australian cricket in the past quarter of a century. One player stood his ground after being caught at slip and then passed through the walkway in so foul a temper that a lady with the Order of Australia asked the police to patrol the area. Better than anything else, that caught the prevailing mood.

Along the way, a dubious catch was claimed, insults publicly made to former Australian and England captains and the peace talks suggested by the touring captain, a man of the highest integrity, were rejected out of hand. Furthermore, Australia pursued a case without the evidence needed to obtain a parking ticket. Neither umpires nor the microphones heard anything. Moreover, the idea that a rising strong nation that had endured 300 years of subjection was going to roll over in the face of a historically provocative opponent was a fantasy. To make matters worse, the Australians appeared in a dishevelled state before a sage jurist from New Zealand who devastatingly described one of their number as an unreliable witness.

FOURTH TEST: THE MCG

Was Perth a flash in the pan for Australia?

SAY IT AIN'T SO, MOJO

Richard Hinds' is correct in his response to Paul Marsh:

A sledge for the notion of sledging-driven success

This revisionist history of contemporary Australian cricket history is based on the events of Perth, a Test in which Australia ''regained its mojo'', ''rekindled its competitive fire'' and, according to the chief executive of the Australian Cricketers Association Paul Marsh, defied the politically correct whinging of the ''vocal minority'' who had inhibited the team's ''natural aggression''.

So, a nation slaps palms to foreheads. So that was the problem! Too much ''spirit of cricket'' and not enough foul-mouthed sledging, physical intimidation and latent hostility. And here we were thinking that the obvious loss of world-class talent, short-sighted and occasionally downright stubborn selection and form slumps that continue unabated in the top order were to blame for Australia's slide down the rankings.

Aussies are front-running sledgers. We rarely sledge when we are going bad, but we sledge heaps when we are going good. Do we need to sledge to play well? Unlikely. Do we need to play well to sledge? Likely.

Update! Malcolm Conn also suspects frontrunnerness:

Sledging doesn't win Test matches

ALL of us celebrating the return of Mitchell Johnson's inswinger as the major reason for Australia's resounding third Test victory in Perth this week are apparently wrong.

According to reports elsewhere, it is the return of sledging that has enabled Australia to level the series one-all heading into the Boxing Day Test in Melbourne.

CALL OF THE WILD DOGS

Ok, so everyone is stacks on Little Jimmy Anderson: Will Swanton described him perfectly as a "sledge-crazed paceman"; Crash Craddock (reading between his lines) thinks Jimmy's an imbecile; and Stuey Clark credits Jimmy with restoring Australia's mojo.

The first three Tests have been accompanied by quite a few articles on sledging as Anderson, Pietersen, Prior and the Australians have engaged in moutho-e-moutho combat. But if there is one article bound to lure out the Sydney pack, it is this one:

Stifled aggression limits Australian performance

Marsh added: ''I didn't see much wrong with the behaviour of the team during that Indian series, and I certainly don't now, but I do see a lot of irony in how some in the public and media react to the behaviour of the team depending on whether we are winning or losing.''

It is hard to see how a taunt like that will not provoke a rash of "there is only one side playing cricket out there" and "noble adversary" and "intemperate Sikh warrior" and " wild dogs" and the rest.

THE OLD PITCHEROO

So, the pitch for Melbourne has been changed:

Pitch switch could negate Graeme Swann

THE pitch for the fourth Test in Melbourne has been switched, less than a fortnight before the match that could determine who wins the Ashes.

And the Poms are cutting up rough:

England enraged as MCG wicket swapped

AUSTRALIA'S selectors have been falsely accused of switching the pitch for the Boxing Day Test to suit Australia's battery of fast bowlers.

London's Daily Mail reported that Australia had made a dramatic late switch to a new pitch for the all-important fourth Test.

"Buoyed by their thrashing of England on a fast, bouncy surface to level the series, Australia are desperately trying to replicate the same conditions for their pace attack at the MCG," the newspaper said. "That means the ground's curator, in conjunction with the selectors, has agreed to abandon the surface he was preparing for the Boxing Day Test because it is too dry and could have played into England's hands."

Malcolm Conn administers the coup de grass:

A case of the pot calling kettle pitch black

ENGLAND has a long history of altering conditions to suit itself.

Hats off to Cookie:

Pitch battle fuss over nothing: Alastair Cook

“I think that's the beauty of home conditions isn't it, you can prepare a pitch to hopefully suit the home side,” Cook said today.

“That's what we try and do in England in certain cases and there's no reason why I would expect Australia not to do it.

“If you went to India, they played three spinners and produced a green seamer you'd be wondering what's going on, so that is what home advantage is and you'd expect everyone to do it.”

SQUARING THE CYCLE

We love Peter Lalor's work around the AGB, but Pete, mate, come on:

Pessimists of the press to eat humble pie

TURNS out it wasn't the selectors who got things badly wrong.

AWKWARD moment, this.

English journalist Nick Hoult put it best when he twittered on day three of the Perth Test: "British press on verge of Private Eye-style apology to Aussies. When we wrote you are a bunch of spineless has-beens, what we meant was . . . "

The News Cycle dictates that each day of a see-sawing series must be treated with concomitant excitement/disappointment, but these Ashes, contested by a couple of average teams, could still go either way.

THERE WERE ONLY TWO TEAMS PLAYING IN THE SPIRIT OF THE GAME

How long until Spanky lets slip the wild dogs?

War of words heats up

A SPITEFULLY sensational Test is set to reach boiling point today as both sides vowed to keep up the aggression that saw players cautioned.

Johnson said Australia had returned to its bullish best after taking a tamer approach following the controversial series against India two years ago.

Welcome home, boys (the "welcome", of course, is contingent upon research approval):

Fan support for Ashes aggression

AUSTRALIA'S decision to use unbridled aggression and intimidation in a final desperate bid for the Ashes has the blessing of the game's administrators and supporters.

Paceman Mitchell Johnson's admission of calculated sledging was met with tacit approval by Cricket Australia - backed by exhaustive research into what Australian supporters expect from their team.

"The field of play is not a place for namby pambys and the public doesn't want to see namby pambys out there," CA spokesman Peter Young said.

(Thanks, AA.)

MATCHWELL

BILLY GOAT

Speaking of scape goats, Billy Murdoch:

Ponting is one Test defeat away from becoming the first Australian captain since Billy Murdoch 120 years ago to preside over three Ashes series losses.

~~ Jamie Pandaram, Fairfax

I recently mentioned at The Punch that there appears to be a distressing array of options regarding how many Ashes Murdoch did or didn't lose:

Any chance we can clarify the Murdoch business? We have the following options: 1) lost four Ashes; 2) lost three Ashes; 3) lost two Ashes because one was before the bail was burned in 1882; 4) lost two Ashes because he was not captain for the latter series; 5) lost NO Ashes, because no one referred to England Australia Tests as “the Ashes” until the 1920s; 6) options 1 to 5.

So, since you were asking:

lost	The Oval	06 Sep 1880 *

draw	Melbourne	31 Dec 1881 *
won	Sydney		17 Feb 1882 *
won	Sydney		03 Mar 1882 *
draw	Melbourne	10 Mar 1882 *

won	The Oval	28 Aug 1882 *

	The Ashes	29 Aug 1882

won	Melbourne	30 Dec 1882 *
lost	Melbourne	19 Jan 1883 *
lost	Sydney		26 Jan 1883 *
won	Sydney		17 Feb 1883 *

draw	Manchester	10 Jul 1884 *
lost	Lord's		21 Jul 1884 *
draw	The Oval	11 Aug 1884 *

lost	Adelaide	12 Dec 1884 *
lost	Melbourne	01 Jan 1885
won	Sydney		20 Feb 1885
won	Sydney		14 Mar 1885
lost	Melbourne	21 Mar 1885

lost	Manchester	05 Jul 1886
lost	Lord's		19 Jul 1886
lost	The Oval	12 Aug 1886

lost	Sydney		28 Jan 1887
lost	Sydney		25 Feb 1887
lost	Sydney		10 Feb 1888
	
won	Lord's		16 Jul 1888
lost	The Oval	13 Aug 1888
lost	Manchester	30 Aug 1888

lost	Lord's		21 Jul 1890 *
lost	The Oval	11 Aug 1890 *
aban	Manchester	25 Aug 1890

* Captain.

Murdoch did not play from Adelaide 1884, when he got married and retired from first class cricket (and not long after he was involved in a player strike), to Lords in July 1890, when he was persuaded to resume the captaincy.(Link.)

Pre-Ashes: lost one-off Test (1880); won one series (1881/82); won one-off Test (1882).

Post-Ashes: drew one Ashes (1882/83); lost two Ashes (1884 and 1890); lost the first Test of a four Test series (Adelaide 1884/85).

Update!

Billy Murdoch by Malcolm Knox. While Knoxy has his facts right vis-a-vis the number of times Murdoch lost the Ashes, the same cannot be said of the subbie who captioned the picture. Nevertheless, a fascinating article for cricket history buffs:

History lends hand to Punter

FROM a Tasmanian family, he was the champion batsman of his day, but in the twilight of his career he could not bat well enough to prevent his third series loss as captain to England. Revered by his players, he clashed with officials when he forced his men's claims. Mid-career, he fell in love and made a marriage that changed his outlook on life.

Would that we could revive ancient customs:

Murdoch's run-out on the SCG sparked a riot, apparently led by unhappy bookmakers and punters, which led to English cricketers being beaten while trying to leave the ground.

Wonder if Betfair badgered the SCG to put the odds on the scoreboard.

GOAT PEOPLE

We don't do wild over-reaction here at the AGB, but we dearly love to scape a goat:

Should Australia fail to regain the Ashes it is a stone certainty that this year's preparation will be recorded in perpetuity as the very acme of how not to prepare for an important Test series. "2010? What a fiasco." CricAussie can farewell any remaining vestige of public goodwill. There will be a backlash. Heads will be called for.

And I'm calling for them.

Ricky Ponting has been a fantastic servant to Aussie cricket - hats off - and if Australia fails to regain the Ashes then Ponting should not be sacked, but he must offer up his resignation. In fact, I would be staggered if he failed to "do the right thing":

Has Ponting undermined his own team’s confidence?

Many well-connected cricket people and former topline players are quietly saying that Ponting has been an undermining force in his time at the helm.

Troy Cooley, fast becoming famous for turning Mitchell Johnson into Ian Baker-Johnson, should also consider his position:

Coach Cooley starting to feel the Ashes heat

HE WAS regarded as the guru of reverse swing when he was with England in 2005, but Australian fast-bowling coach Troy Cooley faces his defining moment in the pivotal third Ashes Test in Perth this week.

While the spotlight is on an Australian attack that has mustered just 6-1137 in England's past two innings, sources say Cooley must also be feeling some heat.

Andrew Hilditch, who has already been on the selection panel for 14 years and has recently overseen a selection policy that has veered wildly from conservative to chaotic, is past his use-by date and should just resign:

Andrew Hilditch must quit: ex-panellist

John Benaud says Hilditch, who replaced Trevor Hohns as chairman of selectors in April 2006 after joining the panel 10 years earlier, has run his race.

Feel free to add your selections. Fielding, catching, injury management, scheduling, planning, CEO/broadcaster tracks, selectors, nanny state, video games, the Mexican wave, Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, yawny, yawny, yawn.

THIRD TEST: THE WACA

Big Test, Big Questions. Can Australia take 20 wickets? Can Australia hold five catches? Is Australia overdue a collapse? Does "they are hitting them well in the nets" bear any resemblance to what happens in a Test match? Does "they are bowling beautifully in the nets" bear any resemblance to what happens in a Test match? Does "the WACA pitch will be back to its fast and furious best" bear any resemblance to reality? Has anyone seen a school film about Perth called System Six: The Fragile Nest?

BARE-FACED ROTATION

Greg Chappell surely can't expect the Aussie public to swallow "rotation" as an excuse reason for this Ashes' haphazard selections:

Selectors claim that Johnson missed Adelaide on rotation

"We didn't plan for Mitch to struggle in Brisbane, but certainly we had made plans beforehand to leave him out of the second Test because we felt the conditions would have suited Peter Siddle, Ryan Harris and Doug Bollinger."

"Mitch was certainly out of sorts. It was always dependent of form, if he had brained them in Brisbane we would have given him consideration for Adelaide, but with five Tests in seven weeks we felt we needed to mix and match the attack to suit the conditions. It is a marathon."

"We planned before the series that we wanted him up and running for Brisbane and Perth. It hasn't all gone to plan, we need him to find form and to have confidence going into the Perth Test and be a match winner."

Chappell all but admits Ian Baker-Johnson would have been retained had he "brained them" at the Gabba, so why give us guff? He has been around long enough to know the public hate being lied to. Take the flip-side: You don't break up a winning formula. It is obvious Johnson was dropped on form, because if he had brained them, he would certainly have been retained. You know, like Clarke, McGrath, Lee and Warne were in 2006/07 when they all played all five Tests.

And that is coming from me, someone who accepts rotation may have to be factored into cricket schedules. Not that I would use Stuart Broad's injury as an excuse for Australian selection policies:

England will be forced to make their own change in the pace ranks after quick Stuart Broad was ruled out of the remainder of the series due to a stomach injury and Chappell is not surprised.

"They have had to change already, neither team was going to go through five Test matches with the same group. Some will get injuries, some will be overworked."

And then there's Bollinger:

"We were disappointed with his level of fitness in Adelaide, that wasn't factored into our plans. We'll need him to find fitness and form if we're going to use him again in this series.

Remind me again why Bollinger is down on fitness. Oh, that's right. Doug injured his stomach muscles in India courtesy of a lack of preparation because CricAussie insisted he fulfill his contractual obligations to a T20 competition which conflicted with a hastily arranged two Test series which India inflicted on CricAussie so that India could attempt to maintain the No.1 Test ranking. "Thank you, Cricket Australia. And in return, next time we shall use KY."

THE UGLY MUCKLING

And other grudges:

The truth about my beef with Ian Botham: Ian Chappell

IAN Botham and fairytales are synonymous, like Hans Christian Anderson and children's books. If he's not telling them, then someone else is writing them about him.

The most recent one about our altercation in the Channel 9 compound at the Adelaide Oval is written by a guy at the London Daily Mail, who is well versed in fairytales. He regularly writes them for a living in his muck-raking column.

Our verbal altercations over the years have generally taken the same route; I either make reference to his long-distance relationship with the truth or an uncomplimentary remark about his intelligence.

His response only varies, depending on his mood, to the preface he uses to the four-letter word women hate.

The only way to put an end to the fairytales is if we have absolutely no contact, which will suit me perfectly.

WE'RE ALL INDIVIDUALS! YOU'RE NOT!

Simon Barnes' article in the Australian contains an ugly kicker:

Wheel turns as England becomes team of mavericks

All the same, if Australia had been still more accepting of the larrikin-artist, Warne would have been captain of Australia instead of Ricky Ponting, Australia would not have lost the Ashes in 2005 and Warne would probably still be playing. Even England's mavericks might have struggled then. Australia's loss, England's gain.

How will Malcolm Conn respond, given this earlier sledge? (Does Mal still think Australia is killing the game?):

Aussies better off without Warnie

THE Ricky Ponting-Brett Lee spat may have looked bad but this is the most unified Australian team in more than a decade because Shane Warne is not playing.

Warne is probably second only to Bradman as the greatest Australian cricketer of all time and he is being sorely missed on the field, but this rebuilding team can do without his dark mutterings and long knives.

Nevertheless, Barnsey's article sits neatly beside Mohali Mike Coward's article in today's Australian:

Time to bring back the spirit of Border

AUSTRALIA'S cricketers must not be allowed to revisit the awful '80s.

AS Ricky Ponting and his self-doubting minions slipped helplessly into the mire in Adelaide, the spectre of the 1980s suddenly and shockingly loomed over Australian cricket.

This is particularly disturbing given the modern game in this country has been predicated on philosophies enshrined to make certain the painful, unfulfilling years of the mid-1980s are never revisited.

Mohali's article resonates with the sentiments expressed by everyone here at the AGB. Despite all the effort and spin put into "transitioning" the Australian "process" from one "dynasty" to the next, Aussie cricket is still threatened with a period of sustained failure. Thanks, CricAussie. Thanks for fvck all.

Australia's slide prompts myriad questions about the schedule, available talent, player development, selection, injury prevention/management/plague, contracts, sense of entitlement, focus, commercial distractions, T20, tactics, batting, fielding, catching and over to you, Alex Bowden:

Australia’s forgotten failure

Whose repution’s received the most comprehensive shoeing over these last two Tests? Ricky Ponting’s? Andrew Hilditch’s? What about Troy Cooley?

Excellent mid-80s dooming & glooming from Greg Baum:

Back to the dark ages

TWO innings defeats by England, 24 years apart, act as bearings to give Australian cricket a fix on how low its stocks lie. Then as now, the retirement of a clutch of great players — Dennis Lillee, Rod Marsh, Greg Chappell — had gutted the Test team. Then as now, authorities had thought they were ready, but were not. Then as now, momentum had carried it for a couple of years anyway, lulling all.

Even Dean Jones, usually all do-it-for-the-boys ham, has cobbled together an interesting article on what is was like among the troops in the mid 80s:

Time to hit back - hard

PLAYING for Australia in the 1980s was tough. The team lost Greg Chappell, Dennis Lillee, Rod Marsh and Jeff Thomson. We had many captains and coaches throughout this period and the love for the baggy green was lost, too.

My initiation into the team was very difficult. We were playing Pakistan in a one-day international and I batted at No. 6. Australia needed to make at least 200 to make it to the finals. We were 4-120 when I started to walk out of the dressing room, proudly wearing my yellow Australian cap for the first time.

I was greeted at the door by Marsh, who proceeded to put his hands around my throat and slam me against the wall, yelling, ''If you don't get us past 200, then don't walk back into these rooms!''

Naturally Deano's article contains a couple of mistakes, which, in accordance with long established tradition, must be reproduced on the internet for everyone to point and laugh:

Then, in 1986, things all changed. The Australian Cricket Board appointed Allan Border as captain and Bob Simpson as coach.

AB was appointed in 1984.

The turning point for Australia came when we were smashed by the West Indies in Melbourne in 1988. Sure, we won a World Cup in the limited-overs game, but we hadn't arrived as a Test team. On the final day of the Boxing Day Test we were embarrassing. Our tail-end batsmen were backing away to square-leg to avoid the bouncers from the fastest foursome to have graced our country - Curtley Ambrose, Malcolm Marshall, Courtney Walsh and Patrick Patterson. We were disgraceful.

I remember AB having three broken fingers, Boonie a broken wrist, I had two broken ribs and Ian Healy needed stitches in his groin. I remember our team manager, Ian McDonald, getting everyone together to watch Pat Cash win the Davis Cup for Australia after being two sets down against all odds.

"I remember." As soon as a sportsman says that, I dart for my almanac.

Pat Cash came from two sets down to beat Mikael Pernfors during the 1986/87 Ashes, not during the 1988/89 Worrell Trophy. In fact, that Davis Cup final ran from 26 to 28 December 1986, which is exactly the same time frame as the 1986 Boxing Day Ashes Test, which ran from 26 to 28 December when Australia gifted England the Ashes inside three days.

XXXX!

The squad for the third Test:

• Ricky Ponting (c)
• Michael Clarke (vc)
• Michael Beer
• Brad Haddin
• Ryan Harris
• Phillip Hughes
• Ben Hilfenhaus
• Mike Hussey
• Mitchell Johnson
• Peter Siddle
• Steven Smith
• Shane Watson

GLOAT PEOPLE

There is a simple solution to our vexed immigration program. The thousands of people interned on Christmas Island should be moved into the community, while the thousands on English cricket fans and pundits who have come here to gloat should be shunted off to Christmas Island, preferably in chains, pelted with vegetables and taunted as convicts:

Can the Aussies cope with being losers?

To be a Pom in Australia right now is to dip oneself in schadenfreude every morning

It is tempting to also request the smirks be wiped off their faces via a monumental reversal of fortune on the cricket field, but that appears unlikely.

SAGGY GROAN

Not another one.

ADMISSION ACCOMPLISHED?

Well:

My strategy for Ashes victory: play Eoin Morgan and drop Alastair Cook
Duncan Fletcher, September 24

If England are going to fit Morgan in, obviously someone else will have to make way. The men to look at here are the No2 and No3 in the order, Alastair Cook and Jonathan Trott. I think Cook should be the man who is dropped.

Almost:

No way out of the hole for Ponting's Australia
Duncan Fletcher, December 10

You have to compliment Kevin Pietersen and Alastair Cook for their two superb innings, and you have to give the selectors credit, too, because they have resisted calls to drop both players at various points earlier this year.

THE AWFUL STRUTH

Malcolm Conn writes that even though Australia was rubbish in the 1980s, at least there was light at the end of the tunnel:

Little to salvage from old team

For someone supposedly too disappointed to talk publicly after getting out on the last ball of Monday's play, his tweeting within minutes of an apology for not walking suggests strange priorities for a future leader.

It is difficult to imagine Clarke tweeting his way to sporting statesmanship.

Ahem... sorry about that. I was typing through clenched fingers and accidentally took a shot at Clarke. Here is Conn's point:

IT is difficult to believe an innings defeat to England can have a silver lining, but Allan Border's sometimes dreadful team from the mid-1980s found one.

Such a scenario is not so obvious this time, after Ricky Ponting's team became the first Australian side in 24 years to lose by an innings to England, capitulating in Adelaide this week.

Shane Warne has only to pick up his phone for there to be a flurry of stories in the next day's papers. The media is addicted to Warnie. He is unlikely to shut up, so maybe the newspapers should just wean themselves off his gibberish:

I'm flattered that people want me to return in the Ashes for Australia, but I'd go for Michael Beer

But do not look too far ahead if you are an England fan, because I know Australia will fight. They showed guts and fight in the second innings at Adelaide, and let’s just see what happens.

If you think a raft of desperate slaps, slogs, swipes and a collapse of 7/70 equates to "guts and fight" then Warnie is spot on the money. Warnie is relentlessly congratulated for his incisive commentary, but most of it strikes me as stream of consciousness thought bubbles and Aussie spirit drivel.

The WACA track is back to its fast & bouncy best. You know: like it was last year when Australia almost lost to the mighty West Indies; like it was against South Africa when the Varks chased down 400 without breaking a sweat; like it was against India when Australia picked Spud Tait in anticipation of a fast bowler's wet dream only to discover a wet patch with all the life of a dodo; and like it was every other year since the mid 1990s:

Former stars back Mark Cameron

Ian Healy and Simon O'Donnell nominated Cameron for inclusion on a Perth track expected to be fast and bouncy, returning to its character of the 1980s and 1990s.

Will the state of the Perth pitch matter without Spearmint Rhino?

Ryan Harris injured as Mitchell Johnson build-up branded insane

AUSTRALIA will send an SOS for out-of-form Mitchell Johnson to become its Ashes saviour in a crisis-torn attack that may be missing Ryan Harris.

At least Johnson's won his his best figures at the WACA. But given Australia's current lack of a genuine wicket taker Australia needs a reverse Oval. Remember how last year England needed to win the fifth Test to regain the Ashes, but the Oval had been a batsman's paradise, so the Poms doctored the wicket to guarantee a result? Of course you do. We should do the same. Minefields in Perth, Melbourne and Sydney will turn each Test into a raffle and give us a better chance, well, outside chance of regaining the Urn.

THUMPY OLD MEN

Just let them fight:

Cricket legends come to blows at Ashes

England's thumping of Australia in the second Ashes Test nearly sparked a different type of thumping between veteran cricket rivals Ian Botham and Ian Chappell in Adelaide.

Ian Chappell, from Channel Nine, "muttered something highly provocative as he went past", reported the paper, and Ian Botham, from Sky, snapped: "What did you say?"

They dropped their bags and "went for each other" before being separated by their colleagues from Channel Nine and Sky.

FOR FLUKE'S SAKE

Gerard Whateley on Offsiders:

“That was a run out where Trott should have been dismissed by Doherty.”

Andrew Faulkner in The Australian:

And it might have happened had Australia not given Trott two lives in the first 30 minutes.

In the fourth over he aborted a single and was well short of his ground when Doherty’s throw sprayed well wide of the stumps.

Compare this with Trott’s dead eye strike to remove Simon Katich, triggering Australia’s collapse yesterday.

Can we put a stop to this "should have been dismissed" and "two lives" nonsense. One pundit says Trott has a life and all of a sudden every other pundit is parroting that Trott had a life, or that Doherty committed the equivalent of dropping a sitter.

Doherty would have been lucky to run out Trott. He had to run around the ball to get onto his left side, no time to sight up, throw on the turn, and hit one stump. Sure, it was not a great throw, but it still would have been a fluke had he hit the stumps.

Trott, on the other hand (literally), was picking up on his right side, throwing with his right arm, more stumps to aim at, more time to sight up, time to balance, and still his hit was a borderline fluke.

All direct hits are borderline fluke.

Don't give me any of Tony Greig's ridiculous "These Aussies never miss," which he routinely trots out when Australia make a runout... sorry, effect a runout. And don't give me any "These Aussies rarely miss" when the Aussies miss a direct hit. The bald stats are that all fielders miss many more direct hits than they get. In 40 years of cricket watching, I don't think I have seen a run out like the one Doherty attempted.

Trott hit because things are going right for England; Doherty missed because things are going wrong for Australia. Simple as that. 

300, THE NEW 200

Opposition	Total	Venue		Date
India		212	Perth		16-Jan-08
West Indies	167	Kingston	22-May-08
West Indies	251	Bridgetown	12-Jun-08
India		268	Mohali		17-Oct-08
India		195	Mohali		17-Oct-08
India		209	Nagpur		6-Nov-08
New Zealand	214	Brisbane	20-Nov-08
New Zealand	268	Brisbane	20-Nov-08
South Africa	247	Melbourne	26-Dec-08
South Africa	207	Johannesburg	26-Feb-09
South Africa	209	Cape Town	19-Mar-09
England		215	Lord's		16-Jul-09
England		263	Birmingham	30-Jul-09
England		160	The Oval	20-Aug-09
West Indies	150	Perth		16-Dec-09
Pakistan	225/8d	Melbourne	26-Dec-09
Pakistan	127	Sydney		3-Jan-10
New Zealand	231	Hamilton	27-Mar-10
Pakistan	253	Lord's		13-Jul-10
Pakistan	88	Leeds		21-Jul-10
India		192	Mohali		1-Oct-10
India		223	Bangalore	9-Oct-10
England		245	Adelaide	3-Dec-10

AURA AUSTRALIS

I do so enjoy reading Athers:

Australia's aura in dominant period was based on a myth

Instead, Ricky Ponting awoke to the headline "clueless" in Brisbane's daily paper the morning after the first Test match. And for those of us who saw Doug Bollinger play for Worcestershire some years ago, the next day's headline, "Unleash Bollinger", was one that we never thought we would come to see. Send in the pooch!

The aura was really just Warne & McGrath. They play we win; they miss we are back in the pack.

SECOND TEST: ADELAIDE OVAL

Henceforth to be known as the "I need to get my head straight" Test. No abbreviations will be entered into.

Should you feel adventurous, you can always start a drinking game wherein you skoll a Vegemite glass full of beer/wine/spirits/Vegemite every time one of the commentators drools "Adelaide Oval - the most beautiful Test ground in the world." Just don't blame me if you suffer a Bon Scott-style death.

PROLIFIC GRAVITY

Legendary Melbourne journalist Keith Dunstan on the muddy history of Australia's now-treadmill pitches:

Making a pitch for cricket to be enlivened by a wicket

In Melbourne we dug up this pitch black stuff from Merri Creek. At the Gabba in Brisbane they took it from Goodna, which in my day used to house the local mental asylum. In Sydney it came from Bulli. It tended to powder and there was a time when it was lovely for spin bowlers, but not lately. In Adelaide they extracted it from the Adelaide Hills, but now it is better for producing chardonnay and sauvignon blanc than fast bowling. We always considered that the perfect material for a pitch had the specific gravity of mercury or lead.

Peter Roebuck has been canning the pitches for a while now; he was at it again on Tuesday:

Sorry skippers, but Test cricket doesn't need 'great matches' like this

DESPITE its records and changes of mood the Gabba Test ended in a dull draw. Certainly it had its ups and downs but distant observers will conclude that the pitch was flat, the bowling weak, the ball soft and the last few days hardly worth the bother. Sessions passed without a wicket falling. People went to work and came back and found the same fellows in occupation. Two men were dismissed on the last two days. It is not good enough.

There has been the odd riposte that Spanky was talking rubbish and that the First Test was somewhere between a good Test and a great Test. Let's not be fooled, it's not called the Gabbasnore for nothing. A hat-trick on the first day; fightback on the second and third days; a long, drawn-out snooze on the fourth and fifth days.

Nor is it just Spanky who blames the wickets. Loads of cricket fans have been shit-canning Australian roads for at least ten years. Is the current situation likely to change? Well, since the crevasse & crack debacle in Perth in 1997 CricAussie and Channel Nine have been petrified about three-day Tests and have instructed curators to make pitches last the distance, so don't hold your breath. How do I know this? I don't. But my powers of insinuation are exceptionally acute.

Look at the last month. Sri Lanka v. West indies: two draws. South Africa v. Pakistan: two draws. India v. New Zealand: two draws, one win. Australia v. England: one draw. Complete rubbish. 1/500: boot-filling rubbish.

Ideally the two first innings of a Test will go for 300 to 400; the two second innings will go for 200 to 300 and both sets of innings will test the batsmen's technique, not be a gift to his average. Yes, world bowling is currently dreadful, but bowlers, and spectators, could do with a little help from the curators, boards and broadcasters.

THE PISS-WEAK KIDS

THE SKINNY

Now, I'm not for a moment suggesting journalists pinch my gear. Allow me to make that perfectly clear. Several have sent emails, or left comments, accusing me of accusing them of plagiarism. That is not the case. I am merely boasting (with a cheek full of tongue) that "I got the first one in" and, well, basically having a whinge that I make no money.

Without further to-do:

Glenn McGrath's legend lives on in Steve Finn

GLENN McGrath is long retired but his legend lives on in the lanky frame of young England quick Steve Finn.

Tick.

NSW youngster Josh Hazlewood who was forced to wear the McGrath tag despite only playing a handful of first-class matches.

Tick.

Stringbean South Australian quick Peter George (or 'two-metre Peter' as he has been dubbed) was being likened to McGrath when he made his Test debut in India.

Tick.

When Australia needed a wicket, McGrath almost always got it.

Tick.

2009 HINDSIGHT

I don't want to tell you "I told you so", so I won't:

2010 FORESIGHT

From what the Australian bowlers have delivered so far in this series it would be staggering if we managed to regain the Ashes in 2010/11. We just don't have the fire-power to win one more Test than England over the five Tests.