AGB Cricket

TIFF SHIT

From Crash Craddock comes this, Replays Confirm Errors, in which the last paragraph states:

A better decision by Tiffin was Ricky Ponting's LBW to a ball that hit him on the line of off-stump. It was a tight call, but Tiffin appeared to get it right....for once.

Wrong! It would have been right in a test match where every close call was given the nod, but not in a match where close calls had been routinely ignored. The fact that the only other LBW's given were completely wrong just proves that the umps had no idea.

From Jon Pierik comes the article Matt The Bash which reports:

Matthew Hayden faced a fine last night after smashing a glass panel on the dressingroom door as world champions Australia looked set to lose their first home game in four years.

The question must be asked. Why the hell is there a big glass pane in the dressing room door? What about Nasser Hussain and his comprehensive destruction of a pair of crutches in Perth?

From the same article, but missing online, comes news that Adam Gilchrist was fined for dissent. When compared with Nasser Hussain this is a bizarre decision. According to Hussain he was never out. Every time he was given out he gesticulated, frowned, glowered and stared at the umpires. This is even more ridiculous when one considers that by my count he�d been the beneficiary of eight, yes EIGHT, incorrect umpiring decisions during the series.

On the next page is a small item headed, Caddick: Aussies No Show:

Cocky England paceman Andy Caddick says Australia has no chance of winning the Fifth Test. "I expect to win this game."

Cocky? Why? He sounds like Dean "Dead Rubber" Jones.

Also from Jon Pierik comes the item Proteas Seize No.1 Ranking after Sarth Efrica became the top ranked cricket nation:

"We are the champions" bellowed out around the Newlands Ground as Shaun Pollock and his team celebrated. "It's a reward for a lot of hard work," said Pollock.

To paraphrase pundits and noted Aussie baiters Tony Greig, Peter Roebuck and Jonathon Agnew - "The rankings are stupid!" Even Nasser Hussain sarcastically added; "If we got flogged here, we're gonna get murdered by South Africa" before adding Michael Vaughan is a "Seexxy batsman".

TORCHARD

Umpires Tiffin & Orchard don't have a clue. Jesus! I guess it was always on the cards though. After four days of screwing the Aussies with some appalling refusals (Vaughan excepted), it was never in doubt that they'd start firing out the Aussies with every rank appeal.

INCOMING!

It didn't take long. Mark down this time: Sunday, December 29, 2002 7:54 PM.

It's last year in Perth! They're probably still wearing flairs. Must be those Dodgy Apaches. Anyway, that was the time I received an e-mail from far too clever for his own clogs, Gareth Parker. He was out of the blocks quicker than Ben Johnson after a Stanozolol daquiri.

The reason? The other day over at Chez Parker I said of Steve Waugh:

Sadly, his time is nigh. Maybe the West Indies is an option but the hard call will be made before too long. He's not been batting well and his work on Boxing Day and yesterday was a half-slog and it's a terrific pitch. How easy did Love make it look?
Nope. Time to go.

Of course, in much the same way as Tim "The Batsman's Batting Beautifully" Lane has become the greatest wicket taker in test cricket history, I've been goosed by a Steve Waugh century after suffering a chronic attack of Speakingtoosoon. And not just any century. His hundred was made with Waugh under serious pressure to keep his spot, the Aussies struggling and with a four off the last ball of the day. Talk about egg on the face. Parker didn't miss the golden opportunity to lob that egg. I wish it was a golden egg:

"Tone, tell us again how Waugh, S. is on his last legs? Still think it's time to go?"

Well, of course it is Gareth. His century was never in doubt after I shit-canned him. He oughta thank me. In fact I should be credited with the century in Wisden. Bradman 29, Waugh 28, Taylor 1.

However, I still maintain Waugh has reached the end. Like I said, maybe the W.Indies, but that'll do it. It was a great moment today. A wonderful moment! Great theatre! But what was he up against?

1) Caddick? You're kidding! Is he ever going to perform when it matters? Don't get too carried away big-ears! It's a dead rubber.

2) Harmison? Not yet big guy!

3) Hoggard? Snort! He's only playing because England lost Craig White to injury. That's the same Craig White who was called up after Simon Jones got hurt. The same Simon Jones who got a gig because Darren Gough was unfit. Then there's Flintoff. Get the picture.

4) Dawson? Has he ever turned one? What the hell was he doing bowling the last over? Nasser Hussain cannot captain!

And don't forget Gareth, Mark "I Moved My Feet Once Last Year" Butcher got a ton too. Nope! Let's not fool ourselves. It's still time for Waugh to go! Lucky for him though he can go out on a magnificent high.

"Ohhhhh, the Pain!"

Long time Melbourne Cricket Club (MCC) member, the recently dead inter-galactically famous Doctor Zacchary Smith, was today pictured cheering Australia home to VICTORY in the Fourth Test at Melbourne. Fully aware that Australia have traditionally made light work of chasing lowish totals, Dr Smith was surprised to find his characteristic sang-froid rudely upset by the continual clatter of wickets as Australia tentatively approached the last day target of 107.

The Doctor, somewhat agitated at the home side's struggle for runs during the pre-lunch session was at one point asked for his opinion of Matthew Hayden's intemperate dismissal off the first ball of the day. A perturbed Dr Smith replied, "He's a Bubble-Headed Booby".

Fortunately for Dr Smith, my coffee cup and the TV remote control, Australia managed to conquer yet another cricketing Everest and thus register their 33rd victory under Steve Waugh. Waugh has now become the most successful captain in Australian cricket history.

Dr Smith, however, was less congratulatory. When asked for his opinion of Waugh after the captain's erratic batting performances, dubious first innings declaration and charitable offer to ask England to bat again he was quoted as saying; "A Broken-down Has Been".

Thus echoing the thoughts of many an Australian cricket fan.

BATS LEFT, BOWLS RIGHT

Today in The Australian English academic Neil Clark asks why English cricket is so "astonishingly bad" and offers up some reasons as being:

an unholy alliance between right-wing Thatcherites and politically correct loony leftists who dominated the British political landscape at a national and local level for much of the 1980s

Apparently because in trying to rebuild England after the excesses and union craziness of the 70's:

the Thatcher government, ideologically obsessed with cutting public spending regardless of the social cost, directed local education authorities to sell off their sports and playing fields to raise revenue

Also proffered is the contribution of Britain's looney left:

For these political correctness pioneers, all competitive sport was bad because it inevitably led to some people winning and others losing. And that would never do in a world where we should not only start equal but finish equal too, regardless of our particular skills or aptitudes. In council after council where they held control, the loony Left erased all competitive sports from the curriculum, and in doing so deprived millions of largely working-class children of the opportunity of participating in school sports

Sounds a bit like the Cain/Kirner gang. Failure bad. VCE good. No-one fails. But I digress. Clark also cites Tony Blair's government as being culpable:

In the aftermath of the 1997 general election, though, it did look as if sanity would finally prevail. The Labour Party, after all, had made an unequivocal election pledge "to reverse the Tory policy of forced sell-offs of school playing fields".

Promises, promises. Non-core promises, no doubt. Because:

Under New Labour, school playing fields are being sold off at a record rate of one a week. Rather than reversing Tory policy, Blair has accelerated it.

C'mon down Premier John Brumby. Keep up Kennett's good work. Sorry. Digressing again. And finally:

Our politicians, of all political persuasions, certainly have a lot to answer for.

The last comment that attributes blame to a variety of causes makes Peter "Spanky" Roebuck's comments today seem all the more bitter stupid.

He was asked by Jim Maxwell if he'd read Clark's article and if so whether English cricket's problems really HAD stemmed from Thatcher and looneys. He didn't even have the chance to get to Blair because Spanky didn't give him the chance. Jumping into this lefty riff.:

"Yes of course Thatcher ruined English cricket. In fact she ruined English society as well!."

Thanks for that, Spanky. Stick to the cricket please. I look forward to a generous concession that Tony Blair's ruining England faster.

SCHTICKET

If you don't know the excellent Richard Hinds you can catch him at the Fairfax Club doing Stand Up Sports Writing. Sometimes he's on; sometimes he's off. In Todays' Age he's on and off. But mainly on. He's cobbled together a collection of one-liners about why we should enjoy the latest episode of The Ashes.

Botty gags:

Having been a pain in the bum for England, it will be interesting to see how Matthew Hayden copes with one himself

Hat gags:

Will Steve Waugh's Baggy Green Threads hang together until his final Test in Sydney.

Fat gags:

Shane "Skinny" Warne is likely to become the first Australian bowler to take 500 wickets before the end of the series, rivalling his feat on the last Ashes tour, when he became the first Australian bowler to eat 500 pizzas.

Pyjama gags (Remind me. Who was the third WSC team last summer?):

On December 13, the one-day series begins with a day-nighter between Australia and England at the SCG. There, under a shower of beer cups and ice cream cones, you'll gain a true appreciation of Test cricket.

Shipping news gags:

There is considerable pleasure to be taken hearing BBC commentator Jonathan Agnew greet breakfasting English listeners with news of their brave lads' latest disaster.

Footy gags:

Everyone likes to see Collingwood lose - even if it is the latest inclusion in the England squad, Paul Collingwood.

(Richard follows Collingwood.)

All in all, an enjoyable read. However, it does raise an issue that I would certainly write about if I had my own paid column inches.

To whit: why get upset with the Aussies for kicking arse? It's great!

Yet, every time I open a paper I'm confronted with an article whining about the lack of a contest. Their eminences, Mike Coward, Greg Baum, Malcolm Conn and Robert Craddock keep telling us the game sucks because we've made a habit out of flogging the Bath Dodgers. So what. Spanky Roebuck hopes for a contest too, but he's a Pom so that goes without saying. Does anyone suspect that this is all a front for the paying public? I'll bet that in the press boxes hereabouts the English hacks are copping a hiding.

Remember how it was a few years ago. Todays' so called pundits may long for a contest and fear for the future of the game, but what goes around, comes around. It does. I swear.

DROLL MODEL

During todays' lunch break in the cricket Ashley Mallett was giving a spot of coaching to an Under 17 hopeful:

"Just reach high and chuck it up there like Muralitharan"

Don't forget to bend your arm.

NORMAL SERVICE RESUMED

Ing-ger-laaand just lost 7 for 46 to be all out for 341.

FIVE-DAY

Wasn't the cricket good? Let's see what the lads back home had to say.

This yesterday from a buoyant Mike Walters in Der Spiegel:

"GLOATING is a congenital disease common among Australian cricket-lovers, and it has become especially virulent during Ashes series over the last 13 years.

Symptoms include smart-alec taxi drivers, gobby waiters and complete strangers recycling old, unfunny jokes about the royal family; You know Prince Charles can't bat but Camilla Parker Bowles."

Sadly for Mike, this from El Guardian today:

"Knowing they had 47 overs to withstand today, their second innings began badly with Michael Vaughan falling to the third ball of their reply when he was adjudged to be leg before to Glenn McGrath by umpire Rudi Koertzen to a delivery which appeared to be bouncing over the top of the stumps."

Nasser Hussain wasn't out bat pad in the first innings and caught behind in the second.

The Times:

"The one bright spot for England was Andrew Caddick again ripping out the Australian captain for a cheap score. Caddick, in his fastest spell of the match, had Waugh caught at slip for 12."

An enormous difference it made too.

Remember that joke about the test match Mike? Yes, they used to go that long.

I warn every Aussie cricket follower. Never, ever feel sorry for the Bath Dodgers!

JIM WIT

As mentioned below, yesterday I was watching the cricket on telly and listening to it on the ABC. At one point Nasser Hussain was given not out to an appeal for a catch at short-leg. On the radio Jim Maxwell said something along the lines of it being close but a good decision. On the TV my first reaction was that it had hit pad/glove. In other words - Out.

Then as the replay started on the TV Maxwell said, "Here we go. We'll get a good look at it now" and the replay clearly showed the ball hitting Hussains' pad then his glove. To which Maxwell enjoined, "Yep, not out. Very good decision that."

The ABC radio commentary is a great source of entertainment for our blind community. However, was it absolutely necessary to start employing blind commentators?

AGGERS

Just listening to Jonathan Agnew on the cricket. He was talking about how he lived with Frank Tyson while here on a Whitbread Scolarship in 1978/79. What he didn't say was that in an England training session at my Bluestone Grammar he knocked out Mike Brearley in a practice session. I was standing behind the nets, about six feet away. Zing. Pretty quick was Aggers. Mind you, Brearley was no Viv Richards.

TONK YOU VERY MUCH

The question had to be asked; so let's see who's asking it.

Gareth Parker's:

HOW COULD the Poms send us in?

Tim Blair:

NASSAR HUSSEIN, the England cricket captain, won the toss prior to the First Test against Australia. And he sent Australia in to bat. This might rank among the greatest blunders in the history of sport.

Tim's covered the tabloids and The Guardian, let's see what the quality press are saying:

The Sun:

Australia took advantage of Nasser Hussain's surprise decision to field on the opening day.

The Mirror, evoking the essence of some dooble entendration that Eric Idle would only nudge, nudge at:

A harrowing horror story for Nasser Hussain. His extraordinary decision to insert Australia at the Gabba after winning the toss backfired dreadfully:

After Grog Blog Picayune:

Nasser Hussain wins the toss and sends us in, for cryin' out loud.

And of course our own newspaper:

The Age:

England coach Duncan Fletcher did not overstate matters when he said: "We didn't play good cricket today." - Ponting was surprised by England's decision to bowl first

Ponting wasn't the only one.

The Oz:

England coach Duncan Fletcher said it was a joint decision between him and captain Nasser Hussain to bowl

Nice of the coach to accept some of the blame.

The Herald Sun:

NASSER INSANE

Say no more.

DAY WON

1 for 268. Great.

No really. It is. I've no hankering for a close contest. The Poms time'll come again. And when they finally win an Ashes series they'll absolutely give it to us! Remember the first Test in 1997? They won by nine wickets and their papers went berserk. Let's lap it up while we can.

So permit me a bout of pre-hatched chicken counting.

It's the first Test of a new Ashes series. Nasser Hussain wins the toss and sends us in, for cryin' out loud. The Poms haven't done that since Len Hutton in 1954. Then we only made a measly 500 in the first innings.

Today the Aussies were 2 for 364 at the end of the first day. Jones has done a knee - out for six months. Gough's already has a bad knee - who knows when he'll be right. Flintoff had a hernia operation about a month ago - the selectors are upset that he isn't ready. If Vaughan bats like he fields he'll get run out without facing a ball in both innings.

Jesus Bloody Johnston! Good start!

To quote Jonathan Agnew:

"It's bordering on the impossible to describe."

Umpire Morgan Freeman couldn't stifle a massive yawn.

Things are looking up though. I've got a day off tomorrow.