FOURTH TEST: TRENT BRIDGE

Nottingham is the "lace" capital of England, hence Paper Lace. Not sure if Nottingham is also the "paper" capital. Or if Nottingham is the "paper and lace" capital. Or even if Nottingham is the "paper lace" capital, as opposed to lace made from linen or silk or whatever.

Anyhoo, enough tat - Boom! Tish! - England has all the momentum.

Comments

[Tony Tea]

Interesting. Looks like they are sticking with Vogon and instead going Marsh for Marsh. I'm not against them bolstering the batting. Just hope Vogon repays the faith.

[m0nty]

Poms won the toss and sent us in, overcast and green pitch. Lightning can fvck off, go strike somewhere else.

[m0nty]

Sun's out, guns out.

Hopefully not our gun batsmen though.

[m0nty]

Buck duck, fvck.

[m0nty]

Flash earn flashes, then farts. Two for bugger all.

[Vindicate]

This is going to be a very short test match. Whether we win will depend on whether our bowlers can do this too.

[m0nty]

I don't think either of those wicket balls from Malfoy moved much. Maqood's one was fairly good though.

[Cameron]

Have i missed anything?

[Vindicate]

Flashearts ball moved pretty sharply off the deck, couldn't see much wrong with his defence there.

[Vindicate]

Movement: huge.

Don't laugh too hard lads, you have to bat on this too...

[m0nty]

Another soft wicket for Malfoy. We are just throwing it away. O for some leaves.

[m0nty]

Not a long stanza from Vogon.

[Tony Tea]

Lucky I was elsewhere for the first half hour.

[Vindicate]

Just what we needed, another Clarke moment.

[m0nty]

That was an old fashioned swaft from Lemming. No excuse.

[m0nty]

Nevill looks to be the only one with any time. Not that that will save him if he gets a jaffa.

[Vindicate]

Here's hoping we'll be starting the second innnings somewhere around 3pm not more than a few dozen runs behind.

[The Mongrel]

Putting the kids to bed, get a text from mum. "Going to bed. Can't stand your father chuckling any more."

Father is English. That's not good.

Turn on TV. Australia 6/29.

Language unprintable.

If I boo the Aussies, am I racist?

[Vindicate]

Same pitch for both teams boys, save your judgements for once the Poms have had their dig.

[Tony Tea]

Farken fiasco.

[Seamus]

Nothing wrong with the pitch. Shit batting. Good bowling. Good catching. Test cricket.

[Tony Tea]

I can't believe England will bat as badly.

[Tony Tea]

"Grown men will cry." ~ Clarke in a Crown ad.

[m0nty]

If we bowl like we did last test, England will be 2/250 by stumps.

[2BarRiff]

Even Yallop's lambs weren't this hapless.

[Vindicate]

Just hoping Australia bowls as well. Going to be shitty if Bad Mitch™ shows up and sprays it all over the place instead of putting it on a good length and letting the conditions do their thing.

Re: Shamus, you're kidding yourself if you think this isn't a bowler friendly pitch.

[m0nty]

If we reach 63, there is hope.

http://www.espncricinfo.com/ci/engine/current/match/62404.html

[Vindicate]

We didn't. At least we get to reply now.

[m0nty]

Oh well.

[via collins]

Somewhere, Terry Alderman's fingers are itching.

Less time in casinos, more time studying conditions Pup m'boy.

[Tony Tea]

The List welcomes yet another sub 100 score. We are filth.

[Tony Tea]

Looking forward to the 5-0 whitewash back on Australia.

[2BarRiff]

This whole tour has been on Clarke time.

[m0nty]

Luth making more than the entirety of Australia is very much on the cards.

[Tony Tea]

Lyability will get a ton, just to rub it in.

[I didn't predict this]

In Perth, with Poms, in their cups, on a training course, hating every moment.

Where are you Rammers?

[I don't deserve this]

Was two hours behind without realising it waiting for 20:00 to come on for Oz to kick arse when all the Poms started gleeing in their Evelyn Waugh homosexual stylings, *without the Catholic forebodings*, nothing but streaming piles of mountains of misplaced hate.

With great efforts of constraint, watching the clock, eating surreptitiously wanting to drink litres I snuck off to Liquorland and got three long necks ready for what was supposed to be our cake walk only to be hiding out now, ready to cut my shlong off, and for everyone to call me Caitlyn Hannagan and receive praise in the morning for being such a Vag Dad, neutered cipher, speechless, in the corner with a toothless grin like an idiot, drooling and waving as they carry off the last of my kids.

Fuck you Cric Oz! What have you done to me!!!

Eternal enmity, hate, shame and dispossession be yours.

[I do deserve this]

Poms should declare at 150 and make it a one day Test victory.

[Spewing]

Pick another New South Welshman and listen to that crap on Channel 9 that selects the team and Ill throw up.

[You deserve this for your bitching]

Sean Marsh and Voges are a joke and should never have been selected and were only selected to appease the rest of the state's bleeding hearts.

Breed some better batsmen and you will be selected.

As it is we produce the best and the rest produce nothing but the bitterest of whine.

Even Steve O'Keefe can't make it into Oz A, ffs, and that's just to appease Pup and all the other interstate gripers. Agar and Boyce, what a joke.

[You deserve this for your bitching]

Voges and Smarsh are WA, and should never have been selected.

We have plenty of better batsmen but we have to keep the national balance right.

Even the greatest Shield bowler in O'Keefe has to make way for Boyce and Agar just to help you feel good about yourself at night.

[You deserve this for your bitching]

A wicket!

Is it my song link that's making my comments disappear?

[To hope against hope]

1/32, game barely on.

[To hope against hope]

Spewing, Voges and Smarsh are both WA, and none of the other states have produced anything better than their woeful efforts. Who would you drop out of Warner, Smith and Rogers to make way for some other state?

[To hope against hope]

Even Steve O'Keefe, the greatest spin bowler to have never been given a chance at Tests has to make way for Boyce and Agar just to placate the other states.

So. Sick. Of. AFL ruining Oztralia.

//Bell out. Bowled Starc//

(first look not out)

[To hope against hope]

OUT!

[To hope against hope]

Oz needs to take a root, branch and subterranean sweep through the ranks starting with: 1) Music - we produce nothing but gayness now 2) literature - we've never been big on this score but we had some great balladeers, now we can't even produce a spastic haiku without some mention of "welcome to cuntry" or some mention of wymins or multiculturalism etc etc, 3) Grammar - even Tim Blair or Tony T doesn't know when to use an or a when producing a sentence.

Did you know Oz was close to #1 on the world suicide score? No? Well, now you do. And now you know why we do.

Oz has become a gulag run by sonderkommandos ready to trifle over the most inconsequential of infinitesimal insignificance of goose egg proportions.

[To hope against hope]

2/85 and England lead by 25. 1st Innings.

That takes some getting your head around.

[No Tomorrow]

Notes for a declining nation:

Know your people:

Where is the money coming from?

Who supports you?

When you are down where do you turn to?

When you are up, who do you praise?

Do you reward your people?

Who, are your people?

[No Tomorrow]

For Starc! For NSW!

[Carrot]

Bairstow in. Johnson warming up. Release the hounds.

[Carrot]

Shot of Clarke chatting with Johnson while he marks out his run.

"Now don't get too carried away, but what I want you to do is kill him".

[lou]

Well, I didn't expect much when I saw the weather this morning.

And I enjoyed watching that collapse. There I said it. I did. It was a doozy. Good bowling, but seriously, not many of the English bowlers bothered with trying to hit the stumps, they didn't have to.

[Song of the Tail]

And you may find yourself 6 down for 37
And you may find yourself batting well out of your depth
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of Michael Clarke
And you may find yourself in a dreadful house, with a petrified
partner
And you may ask yourself-Well...How did I get here?

(And you can guarantee you'll have to bowl them out for less than your shithouse lot did, or face the idiot journalistic public's retribution)

[Song of the Tail]

The whole nation seems fraught with second guessing and ssmoking in parking lots, measuring ourselves at least 50 metres from an open window, or doorway, lest the police come and give us a ticket and shame the descendants.

Sometimes, mostly on weekend nights, the younglings get wasted on alcohol which we all know is worse than a parliamentarian on a coke binge flying to Uluru business class. Or kiddie fiddling, or taking a brown paper bag outside Bankstown library for a block of flats that have somehow escaped the height restrictions.

We all now KNOW that there is nothing worse than booing their people, on account of our people, which we all know are no people, and their people are people, which we are not, people.

[Song of the Tail]

For all my people, my fellow Ozzies who have borne the brunt of the hatred for your vociferous booing, your smoking, your drinking and paying all associated taxes which are dispensed to the latest migrant whether brought in by Left or Right, it's not right, but you pay nevertheless.

For my fellow Ozzies, whether First Fleet or Irish Rebellion, or latter day Ozzies of free migrant or convict. It doesn't which, for my fellow Ozzies, we who came here not of our longing, and were born here, out of anny desire, nor care for Lone Pine or pining for world war one, nor understanding Anzac Day, and what it means to Kerry Packer and his son.

As Josh Hazlewood steams in defending 60, and Starc does his best as Johnson, much maligned, keeps getting back to the mark, to my fellow Ozzies; you understand.

I love you.

[Seamus]

@Vindicate

Yep the pitch is a fucking minefield.

Not.

[Song of the Tail]

The red light comes on West Coast Highway, Mariah!

The light goes green, on West Coast Highway, Mariah!

The bus goes north trailed closely by a sedan headbound north, Mariah!

The wind blows east, the wind comes from the south, cold and chillin', the beach stretches south south and north indifferent, Mariah!

[Song of the Tail]

This shitty English innings between Bairstow and Root puts all our* bragging to shame.

*Our is one of those journo terms signifying them stirring up us. Surely everyone knows by now that journos are complete and utter scum. Imagine if one of your kids said "Dad, I want to study journalism and get a job with Fairfax or Murdoch!

Wouldn't you just want to go all Beltway Sniper on some select targets?

It's fascinating to see in the papers how *they* frame a poll of *us*. I mean, wasn't the whole Goodes thing just journos signalling to other journos?

If I wanted a form guide to base a bet on the last place I'd turn is our media.

[Song of the Tail]

Don't you just love this interstate rivalry, where we are all legally allowed to hate each other on account of a British mandated distinction between us but lest any man get vocal and riled on anything more (or less) than that.

[Song of the Tail]

This is going to take a second innings performance of world record proportions by us and a 2nd innings effort of Australian standards by the Poms for us to win this.so

This day has been a disaster.

[lou]

Who wants them to bat well in the second innings? I'm hoping they get blown away for 50 by a mixture of Ali and Joe Root's pies.

[m0nty]

It is on days like these that I reflect on how, like the Wallabies or the Kangaroos, I don't care much about Australia losing because the failure is attributable solely to New South Wales. And fvck NSW and all its works.

[philsgone]

Worst batting in 45 years of watching test cricket. There is a serious problem in this team. How can you deliver that performance knowing you have to win the game FFS. Try batting for an hour, not a delivery. My speechlessness is unprintable

[I am and will always Not Trampis]

I ask myself how in the hell in the FOURTH test of an Ashes series how batsmen have no clue at all to play a moving ball.

Unbelievable.
Clarke played a magnificent Captain's innings. wonderful shot making.
If Anderson was playing it would be a two day test!

Broad and Anderson will not bowl well in Australia. At least Clarke won't play given his expenses!!

[2BarRiff]

I sincerely hope Di Venuto is busy working on his CV right now.

Not one batsman got the line right.

[2BarRiff]

An adjunct to the <100 list would be a list where our tail outscores our top order.

[Tony Tea]

That list is too long to chronicle.

[Tony Tea]

How many Cricket World Cups have England won this year? Hmmmmm. Gotcha. #ENGvAUS

— Tony Tea (@AfterGrogBlog) August 6, 2015

[Tony Tea]

Today's resolution: do not read ANY cricket article. (I mean, what's the point?) #ENGvAUS

— Tony Tea (@AfterGrogBlog) August 6, 2015

[Tony Tea]

I just realised Extras top scored. #ENGvAUS

— Tony Tea (@AfterGrogBlog) August 6, 2015

[Tony Tea]

Ponting is worried about our defensive technique. Well, if anyone can teach batsmen how to push hard at a moving ball, it's Ricky. #ENGvAUS

— Tony Tea (@AfterGrogBlog) August 6, 2015

[Tony Tea]

Stumps Day 1: 3 Australian bowlers have each conceded more runs in England's 1st innings than Australia's total 1st innings score. #ENGvAUS

— Tony Tea (@AfterGrogBlog) August 6, 2015

[I am and will always Not Trampis]

I thought broadyline was banned!

[Tony Tea]

The utter humiliation and embarrassment of this 2015 #Ashes will not be wiped away by the 5-0 whitewash in 2017/18. #ENGvAUS

— Tony Tea (@AfterGrogBlog) August 7, 2015

[I am and will always Not Trampis]

we have been jimied, finnished and now broadsided what is next? Having the Wood on us. That would mark us down. Perhaps being Stokesed up. Ben there done that or the very worst Being Ali ooped!

[philsgone]

If we had treeated it like a proper 20/20 innings we would have get a lot closer to 200

[Tony Tea]

GOT a stat for you. Of the 114 balls bowled by England only eight were on the stumps. Would've done better if they left them all

— Peter Lalor (@plalor) August 6, 2015

[Russ]

Morning gents. Have been on holiday for much of los Ashes and missed the bulk of the shambolic batting. Except the first day at Edgbaston. That was fun. Just like Melbourne in 2010. Cold and surrounded by gloating English.

Not now though. Now we suffer their pity. Fortunately Sweden is a hard place to see matches so I only caught the 6 second vine of all Australia's dismissals. Glorious. Probably took longer to put together than we spent batting.

Do we need to dwell on it though? Since the white wash at home we've had the statistically worst series defeat ever against Pakistan, and probably the worst first innings effort yesterday at Trent Bridge. Yet somehow beat down the West Indies and won a series against India on absolute roads. You can hide any sort of crack if you fill the fucker with asphalt apparently. If the opposition has any sense we'll not see a fourth day away from home for another decade.

Meanwhile, England could polish this off by tea if they wanted. Kind of wish they would. Those insurance premiums for short tests will go up for the next tour though. Would be hilarious if the annual Ashes rout had to be postponed because Australia was an uninsurable opponent.

Didn't get to see the press conference. Did Clarke take the positives? Starc's wickets, that French cut four, the form of Sundries?

All we really need now idea Flatty to pipe up about the importance of playing our natural game. Hoping...

[Tony Tea]

I've spent as little time as possible watching this fiasco, smugly confident we were going to be awful.

[Professor Rosseforp]

My initial cries for the return of Shane Watson are getting stronger. Those who condemned him said he was only scoring in the 30s. What Australia wouldn't give now for a batsman who could score 30 each time he batted! Not to mention that he might hold a catch or two.
Clarke's return to form with a sparkling double-figured innings was only marred by Johnson's decline in batting form -- although he was still top score.

[The Mongrel]

he was still top score

....apart from Extras anyway.

[Seamus]

Where the fuck is 'Vindicate'? Forty odd ball fifty run partnership for the ninth wicket? Yep, the pitch was definitely to blame for the shit Aussie batting.

[m0nty]

I think the worst thing is England declaring in the first innings below 400.

[Vindicate]

Vindicate went to bed and then had a 12 hour shift, cue my response in the morning upon hearing the stumps scoreline: "What the actual FUCK! ..... we are a fucking rabble."

I'll let you gloat though, although the entirety of England may have purged Ashes '07 and '14 from the collective consciousness, rest assured we haven't. :)

[Vindicate]

Wow, that appeal was almost as comical as our first innings.

[Carrot]

We would definitely have taken two fifties from our openers at the start of this innings. We reeeeeaaaaaaalllly need a partnership now, though. Can't see Marsh lasting long, though!

[Carrot]

Yep, I was right.

[Carrot]

Jesus, Smith - what was that?

[Carrot]

Could this be Clarke's version of Hussey's innings at the Oval in 2009? Marquee batsman woefully out of form, horrible recent statistics - career-saving ton in an Ashes-losing match.

[Carrot]

Nope! He fought pretty hard, though. Out to a ball he should have left - it was something I was going to mention about Voges and Clarke, they were leaving the ball well in their partnership up until that point.

[Carrot]

Pleeeeeeeeaaaaase make them bat again? That was the saving grace of Edgbaston.....

[Carrot]

This thing with the no-balls is a disgrace. The umpires haven't been calling them for years now. It's really not good enough to only call them on replay when there's a "wicket". Atherton and Botham went through ten deliveries from Mark Wood that were borderline or definitely no-balls earlier on - from one spell! - and none of them were called. My question is: how many runs should have been scored off these deliveries that have been left to go by? What happens when there's a low-scoring nail-biter that's won or lost by one wicket, and none of the no-balls had been called? Why is no-one addressing it from that point of view?

[Carrot]

Maureen wouldn't make a specialist spinner's left boot. At some point it will come back to bite England hard, and everyone will say that it was an experiment that was doomed to fail from the start. You'd think that after the Caribbean where it DID come unstuck that they might have realised and picked a real spinner, but no. Instead, they've picked him, and we haven't made them pay at all. That's what bothers me about recent away Ashes series - we've often lost to pretty mediocre sides. This England team is no exception which is why they're ranked where they are, but we've just managed to be shockingly awful at every turn.

[Carrot]

Well, we've made it to a third day. Small mercies. I don't like our chances of making them bat again, but if Starc can stick with Voges you never know.

I actually quite enjoyed a lot of what I saw. Barring the brief moment of madness before tea, it was actually quite good cricket from both sides after lunch. Frankly, that's what I've been disappointed with in this series so far - there's been some really bad cricket played by both teams, it's just that we've played the most of it.

Nevill didn't get many, but he seems to have a good temperament. He was nowhere earlier on, but he stuck to his task. I can see him playing important innings for us in the future.

[lou]

Carrot, I couldn't watch today. Had to hot desk so missed out on my Skybox. Glad though. I've had enough.

Moeen isn't much of a spin bowler but he doesn't have to be in England and he's handy enough. They had Ashley Giles for long enough and he can't be worse.

The no-ball thing is bullshit. The umpires have got lacksadaisical with DRS.

Sooooo, what will be the line-up for the last test? Live by the sword, die by the sword is obviously still going to be skipper for the foreseeable future, unless he drops himself. They could drop Johnson and pick Cummins, might as well give him a go at it, I don't give a damn whether they lose the next test, I'd just like to see them play anyone who is under 30 and who will benefit from it.

[Seamus]

Who says I'm English??

07 and 14 look a very fucking long way away now.

Test cricket is fucked.

Sadly.

[Carrot]

There's a headline on crooky saying that Ponting reckons that as many as eight of the current side might not play Test cricket again. Having watched the interview, it turns out that he thinks eight of the current SQUAD might not play Test cricket again, so eight out of seventeen. OK, so - whatever.

Funnily enough, in citing Watson as one of those guys, he said that he thought he still had some good cricket in front of him and it would be a shame if he really didn't play another Test, or words to that effect. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Ricky Ponting knows more about cricket than me (I know, it's a stretch, but there we are). So what the hell is he seeing that we're not? There have been similar things said by guys with equal amounts of cred about the likes of Haddin, who in my mind was verging on the un-selectable. What are we missing? Is this just boys' club, locker-room loyalty, or are these guys really that good in ways that we can't see? Of all the people that I'd suspect of cronyism, Ponting seems to be one of the last, so - are we getting it wrong at the AGB, or not?

PS - I tweeted my (condensed) version of the no-ball problem to Polite Enquiries and am annoyed it didn't get used. I got two "re-tweets" and a "favourite" and everything, so thought I was onto a good thing. Harumph. Back to the drawing board....

[m0nty]

Test cricket is completely not fucked. We were tested by perfectly valid conditions and opposition, and found sorely wanting. That's what the format is there for. We have no one to blame but ourselves. And by ourselves, I mean Stakeholders.

[Vindicate]

It may be hard to see a positive in all this carnage but Test cricket is far from fucked. Every time we play the South Africans it's a glued-to-the-TV affair, the Kiwis showed some surprisingly good form in their tour of England, and as much as I love to hate India for their rampant corruption and rabid fans any series with them involved always puts bums on seats.

As has been said earlier though, I think we're on an Ashes overload at the moment.