FIFTH TEST: THE OVAL

The rubber is dead, but a 3-2 scoreline will flatter England.

Comments

[Carrot]

Jeez. As badly as we've played in this series, anything less than 4-1 will flatter us!

[m0nty]

Good to see Buck, with the shackles of saving his career lifted, playing his natural game.

[Vindicate]

Good to see Siddle get a run finally.

[Big Ramifications]

Jeez. As badly as we've played in this series, anything less than 4-1 will flatter us!

Carrot, was that, like, a philosophical time travel question disguised as a statement?

[Carrot]

Er - yes?

Jeez, I dunno. I just think we've played appallingly for the most part in this series, and if we come out of it with 3-2 it will paper over some very large cracks.

[Carrot]

This is apparently the longest opening stand in terms of balls faced by either side in this series. 26-odd overs - and our opening partnership has been one of the few things to smile about. That's a pretty reasonable reflection of how bad some of the batting has been - from both sides - in this series.

[m0nty]

Aha she cried in accents wild, and waved her wooden leg aloft. T'is false t'is false, and with her evil eye she swept the garden path.

[Carrot]

There once was a girl from Mansizes,
Who had tits of two different sizes.
One was small and of no use at all,
The other was huge and won prizes.

[Tony Tea]

Carrot, all that time in Holland and Germany has rubbed off - you've forgotten how to speak tongue-in-cheek.

[Big Ramifications]

You misunderstand, Carrot.

A 4-1 result is the worst possible outcome for "us". You can't get any worse. I'm assuming you mean "worse" when you say "less"? So therefore you would need to travel thru time and lose the 2nd Test to get a "less" better series result to "flatter" us.

But maybe you meant "less" in the numerical sense? There are two numbers in your comment saying "4-1" is the benchmark. So there are 3 possibilities:

1. Less than both numbers: 3-0 result. Will require time travel.
2. Less than the number 1 only: 4-0 result. Will require time travel.
3. Less than the number 4 only: 3-1 result. This is possible. I had not considered this when I first replied.

Anyway, not havin' a go. Your comment got me thinking.

[Carrot]

Didn't think anyone was having a go, don't worry! And I think the remark would have been better illustrated had I have said "better". A result that wold involve us losing fewer than four Tests.

And - Tones, not the first time you've accused me of that! Maybe you're right.

[Big Ramifications]

Indeed.

[Big Ramifications]

Finn has got a similarly bad delivery stride as Colin Croft. Awful.

And he's got a bit of "Chuck E. Cheese" thing happening. Ever so slightly.

[Carrot]

Steve Smith crosses the 3,000-run mark in 63 innings. That places him on a par with Gilchrist, Pietersen, Graeme Smith, Hussey and Sir Frank Worrell. Good company.

[Carrot]

.... It was completely missed by the Sky Sports team, and rated only a small mention on Cricinfo, btw. Surely worth a little more than that?

[Carrot]

Well it seems that we've got a middle order after all. After four consecutive collapses and a comprehensive series loss of course, so talk about the epitome of the horse having bolted.

It looks like Adam Voges might well be the beneficiary of the changing of the guard. With a new captain, new 'keeper, new opener, new number four and a new-ish number six they're hardly going to get rid of him now. Still, having averaged nearly 50 from the matches he's played you could argue he hasn't done much wrong. After all the time on the fringes he's probably earnt himself some fortune anyway, so all hail the new Buck Rogers. It'll be interesting to see how he goes in Bangladesh actually - even with all his experience he probably won't have seen anything like those conditions before.

Clearly our day. Don't think that England have switched off, but I'm sure they can't help it to a point. These matches become more interesting to see how the guys go that are playing for their futures or have a bit to prove, and there's a few on both sides that are doing that. Lyth, Bell, Butler, Voges, Nevill, and Siddle all spring to mind.

[philsgone]

So its a green pitch. Overcast. We lose the toss, get sent in make 3/280. Bugger me. Look what happens when you leave the ball take your timer and get your eye in. How both captains would have bowled makes amockery of both teams batting confidence at the moment
Also Captain smiff batted like I would have BUT he gutsed it out and is 78 not. Our best batsman looked like a mug at times, but he is still there and thats why he is our best batsman. Well dome Captain Smiff

[m0nty]

Tubby's XII for the next Gabba test had eight NSW players in it. Plus some Sandgroper I'd never heard of (Bancroft). Because that's what this side needs, more of the same.

[Tony Tea]

Was Bancroft born in NSW?

[philsgone]

Since 2005 we are ahead 16- 13. Hooray.
Also Siddle first picke dto play the Bangers get the 2 Mitch's home to rest and then sort out the kiwis. And for Gods sake dont take Cummins t oB'desh, a recipe for breakdown and demoralisation

[Russ]

It is an amusing quirk of Clarke's record that he has lost 5 ashes series and won 2, but still has a winning record against England (presently 14-13). But perhaps also sums up his career as a batsman. When he was good (which was mostly at home) he was incredible, but there was a fair bit of dross at other times.

[Carrot]

I don't think that there's any real room to say that England aren't doing well because it's a dead rubber and they don't care, simply on account of the fact that this exact same scenario played at out Lord's. When we have a decent total and our bowlers have some scoreboard pressure, we've done very well. When England have been ahead of the game they've been a different side. When they're behind, they're a shambles. This is what has frustrated me about this series - we've actually bowled pretty well for the most part even in losing causes, but we haven't done enough to reveal enough English frailties, of which I think there are quite a few. Essentially, we've been too ordinary to make them look ordinary, and that's why it's been such poor cricket. An under-performing side losing almost by default to a pretty average one that haven't really had to do much more than just turn up.

[Big Ramifications]

It is an amusing quirk of Clarke's record that he has lost 5 ashes series and won 2, but still has a winning record against England (presently 14-13). But perhaps also sums up his career as a batsman. When he was good (which was mostly at home) he was incredible, but there was a fair bit of dross at other times.

Last night the TEEM at 9 were showing the batting averages for each side in this series. Equally quirky.

[Tony Tea]

Let's face it: England have had more luck out of two average sides.

[m0nty]

We've had two big innings from Flasheart and one from Buck, which looks like setting up two wins, and beyond that we've been mostly pants wiht the bat. Our bowling has been middling, but so has theirs.

The 60 can't be blamed on luck. It was the culmination of years of kidding ourselves, lack of correct preparation, and arrogance by team coaches and leaders about playing our natural game no matter what the circumstances. It was a time for judicious watchfulness, playing (or not playing) off the back foot, and toughing it out for a session until things settled down. But no, we played like it was 40 in the shade at Adelaide.

[Carrot]

All right! My question got asked on Polite Enquieis! I sitll think my no-ball question was better, but one from two certainly ain't bad. Two mins 33 seconds, for reference.

And by the by, I don't care how good Marsh is with the ball, it's our complete lack of a middle order that has cost us this series, and having a guy at 6 that averages 32 in first-class cricket is just asking for trouble. If he's doing so well with the ball, stick him in at 8 like Maureen. Shane Watson's entire career is testimony to the fact that the formula of an all-rounder in the top 6 just hasn't worked - and that's what it is, a formula. Stop picking sides, and pick players for crying out loud.

http://www.espncricinfo.com/ci/content/video_audio/index.html?genre=119

[Carrot]

Good Lord, typo nightmare.....

[Vindicate]

Well damn, just walked in to see 8/111. Better late than never I suppose.

[2BarRiff]

Holy smoke ... Australia has enforced the follow on!

[Carrot]

As they should have, with the weather forecast for the next two days. We need to win this today or not at all.

[Big Ramifications]

Hey it comes with age, and Haddin wasn't no oaf....

But at times when it counted Peter Nevill was a gymnast ballerina behind the stumps during England's innings. First time I've had a proper gander at him. Very light in the loafers.

[Big Rammer's mum]

Don't use no double negatives, son.

[Big Ramifications]

We've had two big innings from Flasheart and one from Buck, which looks like setting up two wins, and beyond that we've been mostly pants with the bat.

Now pick the eyes out of England's batting averages, m0nty....

Joe Root covering himself with glory @64.
Tail ender Moeen Ali ranked #2 @37.
Then tail ender Mark Wood @32.

Now if that's not "pants" I don't know what is.

[I'm excited!]

Jared Waerea Hargreaves gone for the season! Perth is full of cunts! Panthers are fucked! Oz enforces the follow on! The ARU can suck my arse as can SBW! Wayne Bennett is a morose fuckwit! 1/26! I'm all out of exclamation marks!!!!

[Big Ramifications]

Why you got your panties in a bunch about Perth, sizzlechest?

[Carrot]

I really don't get cricket, sometimes. If you'd have asked me before this match, I would have said that Siddle has been ordinary for at least eighteen months and has been lucky enough to be a very well-paid passenger in the Australian set-up and not much more. He has barely taken a wicket in the county games that we've played, and has been a player that I really don't think you can begrudge the selectors for not picking.

And then when he does get picked, almost as an "oh, go on then" selection, he hits a beautiful line and length, nips the ball around, takes important wickets and has been very difficult to face. Of course.

[I'm excited!]

I'm worried that the NRL may not be able to match the AFL's free to air deal! What will the new Oz batting lineup be and do we have a succession plan! What if I pull a hammy when I do squats in the morning! Braith Anasta has small, close set eyes!

[I'm excited!]

Scarborough is the worst beach I have ever had the misfortune to visit! It's almost as overrated at St Kilda! Why are there no people on the streets in Perth! Where do they all go! Is the place inhabited by androids! Why are there so many saafricans, poms and eejits!

[I'm excited!]

I'm sick of watching NRL highlights where a team gets showcased and all their tries are against the Panthers!

[I'm excited!]

Ahhhhh. Phew. Sigh.

Sorry, Rammers. I think I'm high on red frogs and beer.

It's been a long long long season and really, I can't take a trick.

[Big Ramifications]

Scarborough is the worst beach I have ever had the misfortune to visit! It's almost as overrated at St Kilda! Why are there no people on the streets in Perth! Where do they all go! Is the place inhabited by androids! Why are there so many saafricans, poms and eejits!

That's a fair summary! But I don't really have a problem with most of your points.

Cottesloe is the only nice beach in Perth.... if you want grassed terraces and eateries and pubs within walking distance. Otherwise they are all just white sand and surf, which is why I go to the beach.

Heaps of Saffas, absolutely, but I seem to get on with them. Top shelf immigrants.

I thought the Pom percentage would be about average compared to the rest of Australia[?]. I'll tell you one thing though: all dealings I've had with policeman in the last decade have been, like, an 80% chance he is a Pom. It's pretty obvious they are on top of the list for "desirable professions of immigrants".

The United Kingdom must be absolutely BLEEDING boys in blue. I'm guessing it costs a pretty penny to train 'em up, too.

[I'm excited!]

Lunch, day three. And Rammers asks "Why you got your panties in a bunch about Perth, sizzlechest?"

The question should be "Why haven't you got your panties in a bunch about Perth, sizzlechest?"

Because besides the place being precariously placed on the rim of the arse end, of the arse end of the world, it produces supreme clowns like Rodney Marsh who select goose eggs like Voges, and Agar, to replace more worthy talent from NSW.

Because the place is so bland, self indulgent and morose exhibiting no outward signs of life, yet these cretins have the same vote as me.

Because FIFO life is equivalent to that of an earthworm, on big dollars!

Because they aren't "crayfish", just little lobsters, none of which justifies the price. Because Coffin Bay oysters are a sin against God.

Because I can go to Canberra anytime and locating it on the coast doesn't make it worth travelling 5 and half hours across the continent to see it.

And because I don't have Gem TV.

[I'm excited!]

"I'll tell you one thing though: all dealings I've had with policeman in the last decade have been, like, an 80% chance he is a Pom. It's pretty obvious they are on top of the list for "desirable professions of immigrants".

The United Kingdom must be absolutely BLEEDING boys in blue."

EXACTLY what my Ozzie Perth mates tell me!

Nothing worse than being pulled over by a Scotsman asking for your drivers licence and if you know just how fast you were going!

[Big Ramifications]

Been watching the extensive lunch time interview with Michael Clarke, and he's confirmed everything I thought about him. Humble, introspective, funny, interesting, eloquent.

I've always seen the "good bloke" in him, even back in the earring, flogger hairdo, Lara Bingle days. And I'm on record here at ACB! "Forrest Gump" I used to call him in his youth.

[I'm excited!]

Why do all the Fox Sports women talk like Julia Gillard on steroids!

[I'm excited!]

"Humble, introspective, funny, interesting, eloquent."

Yea Gods! I hope that's sarcasm!

[I'm excited!]

"Siddle has been ordinary for at least eighteen months and has been lucky enough to be a very well-paid passenger in the Australian set-up and not much more. "

Stick with that summation! Dead rubber form is for club keno gamblers!

[I'm excited!]

Easily the best performer on tour has been Lippy the Lyon.

And that's without an exclamation mark because the honesty is brutal.

[Unimpressed Journalistic Bystander]

Pat, how about you give it a rest? Your not so soft gross bigotry is tedious, not to mention infantile.

You are, like the Australia you lament, a week late and out of tune.

You assume that you're funny but a joke is something requiring laughter and I don't hear any chuckles let alone chortles, nor anything remotely resembling a good hard laugh at oneself.

All I hear is the sad, empty, barren desolation of a Saturday night lamenting your own inadequacy.

It is debatable whether people born in this country should be allowed to vote. It is no achievement to emerge from a womb. They could just as well be in Winnipeg. Australia is best loved by its settlers.

[Another Unimpressed Journalistic Bystander]

Hear, hear, UJB!

I can't wait for Khawaja to be selected and see the tears of butthurt run down the likes of Pat's turgid, rancid, foaming white supremacist face.

To be Australia’s first Muslim cricketer is not nothing. Australian cricket is Anglo, Anglo, Anglo. Cricket Australia has seen the cultural homogeneity in the game and is desperate to change it. It should be encouraged.

[Big Ramifications]

You forgot to change usernames, UJB.

FAIL!! You may as well out yourself....

[Unimpressed Journalistic Bystander]

Thanks for your support, AUJB.

Make no mistake, it is not only the reputation of these cricketers that has suffered. Australia itself has been embarrassed.

[Big Ramifications]

Oh, hang on. You did change your username. And UJB / AUJB is Pat taking to himself.

As you were, gents.

[Big Rammer's mum]

What sort of ass-clown would talk to himself, son?

[Simpatico Letter Writer]

If I may chime in for one moment, I would like to vote my support for UJB, and not to mention my deep and profound repugnance for the likes of the repellent Pat of Panthers infamy.

On the subject of this so called "Australian" team, as representative racially as a foaming dog on the tail of a bitch in full heat represents stoic composure, apart from these pacemen and sporadic appearances from dusky batsmen, the national team has remained tanned, leathery but resolutely lilywhite.

[I'm No Longer Excited!]

1/58 and I drag out all the cellar dwellers.

There's nought that my dread negative presence cannot wrought*

Like a Japanese two man submarine caught in the nets,

there's only one way out and survival is not an option.

*Scans well but the rhyme is laboured.

[I'm Excited!]

Make that 2/62!

[Big Ramificatons]

*Scans well but the rhyme is laboured.

Cadence was your enemy.

[I'm Excited!]

Lol!

[I'm Excited!]

Wait a minute, I retract that lol, though lol it was yet, cadence, that's it. Cadence has been my enemy for some time and you have named it.

Cadence is my enemy, that's true.

Like a discordant third turning up to a mate's place after he snagged a root on Ashley Madison, I have been out of cadence all year.

Time for sober reflection.

[Sir Peter Fitzsimons, Knight of the Republic]

Gentlemen, I have been reminiscing with my wife, who now writes for Huffington Post, on my time playing in French provincial rugby, and on my many ahistorical novels masquerading as entertainment, when all they are is the sound of my endless sanctimony emptying out, when I came across this blog, much to my deep seated anti-racist shame, and, can I say, that I have many pronouncements that I feel should be shared and imbibed, to the extent that they should be mandatory in the secondary school curriculum, that being said, I have also many friends in sports who all agree with me, not to mention I also know lots of sports stars as well as was aghast that my good mate and symbolf of all that is right about the future and wrong about the past, Adam Goodes, whose name would make for a laboured metaphor in my next fauxstory decrying Australian history all the whiles promoted as promoting it, which my PR person tells me, who is, btw, gender fluid, if not in actual fact, not the gender you think it is but the complete opposite of whatever you're thinking, and as soon as you change your mind, it becomes the opposite again, because that's what it's like to be me, one step ahead and you are always wrong, which as I was saying [edited for turgidness]

[Late Night Sports Desperado]

3/99!

Does anyone care anymore?

[Tony Tea]

It fair dinkum shits me pants that we can lose a series to a side with an opener with such dreadful figures as Lyability Lyth:

Tests: 5
Innings: 9
Runs: 115
Average: 12.77

[Tony Tea]

"Dead rubber form is for club keno gamblers!" I'm pinching that.

[Simon Fitzpeters]

Sir Peter Fitzsimons, don't tell me that your "researchers" are working on the weekend to churn out more of your writing? And to a blog? Give them a break -- or at least give them equal billing, and please no more singing French rugby songs on the ABC. Nous connaissons bien que vous parlez français, mon vieux. Assez!

[Carrot]

If there's one thing that I can't forgive Warne for, it's for the now-ubiquitous use of the word "cherry". It's everywhere now, and it's REALLY annoying.

[Carrot]

...... Which is saying exactly the same thing, twice!

This could be over very quickly, the way things are going. England will have to do well to be saved by the weather now. Is it just me, or it praying for the weather something that English fans allow themselves to do, but Australian fans are happy to lose if they know they deserve to?

[Carrot]

Well, it's raining and we're two wickets away. There's still the best part of two full days' play left so you'd like your chances of there being a result somehow, but it's pretty meaningless in the end. The series is gone and the point has been proven point that England are more than capable of being pretty rubbish too, but in the end it's been a pretty "meh" end to entirely "meh" series.

[Carrot]

We've just learned that Ali and Broad have been the best partnership for England in the series. Another measure of how bad it's been.

Siddle's bowling average is back under 30 as it stands. Good for him.

[Tony Tea]

Been a long time since I've seen less play in an Ashes series. Possibly 1975, which was not on TV in the Pilbara.

[m0nty]

This test only goes to prove my theory that we are always better than England, we only lose series when we fvck things up.

[Tony Tea]

Come to think of it, I did not see any of the three Test series after WSC finished in 1979. (The one we one, but England refused to put up the Ashes because it was only three Tests.)

And, yes, I agree with that, Monty. That is why watching us play can be so frustrating. We generally lose because of our mistakes (and bad luck and dreadful umpiring).

[Hangover Black]

Ooohh - a TT spelling mistake. Very rare.

About as rare as my posts this Ashes.

Will be a strange summer without the whipping boys in the team. No Clarke time, no Haddin catches missed, no bets placed on Watto getting out LB for a middling score.

Who's likely to take up the mantle?

[Tony Tea]

There's a thought. Who was the whipping boy before those three?

[Hangover Black]

If we take the 2005 Ashes - 2006/7 Ashes as the period before those three, then Brett (Slot) Lee used to cop a bit. And I know you've never liked Langer, but that was never really for his cricket ability.

Really the team was too good to have room for a whipping boy.

[Tony Tea]

Yes, of course. Careless of me to forget Slotty.

[Carrot]

Apparently there were only two Ashes series that were shorter in terms of days played and deliveries bowled - 2001 and 1890 (or something). It was flashed up on crooky at one point, and they talked about it on Sky.

[Tony Tea]

Still gnashing my teeth that we lost the Ashes to these Pommy hacks.

[philsgone]

Elsewhere I predicted a 3-1 win to us. Root to top score for them , Broad most wickets. Smith to top score for us, Starc most wickets. 4 out of 5 aint bad.
And again the avergaes tell the story of consistent failure for us. Top of the heap in the stats, but two abject first innings AND the Root drop - thanks Brad - did for us.
Bring on the Bangers, I predict 1- 1

[lou]

By the way, I was at the first day of this test. Never been to the Ashes before so it was all rather SPLENDID.

Excellent pale ale at the Oval.

Warner looks far better to watch live than Smith. Smith looks clumsy somehow.

[Ignatius J. Reilly]

Ross Taylor's innings so far is the best for mine of this series. Absolute has-been do nothing never-was stalling the might of Oz.

I hope he gets a double ton.

In all sincerity: Ross Taylor I salute you.