SECOND TEST: QUEENS PARK OVAL

No home computer, no Foxtel, blogging from my phone, and then there's the Demons. But you've heard all that before.

Comments

[Tony]

Any chance the West Indies can be moved into a civilised timezone?

[Carrot]

It's the best timezone for Europe! In fact the only timezone not good for Europe is Australia, annoyingly enough.

BTW, do we have a nickname for Ed Cowan yet? If not, I propose "Edith".

[Vindicate]

Why no foxtel or home computer Tones? With the shitty time the cricket is on you might as well be living in the stone age.

[Lolly]

Crictime on your phone, but it will chew the battery.

Is it just me or is our top 3 underwhelming?

[Lou]

What a ball from Roach. Punter horribly squared up.

[Carrot]

I have to say that I'm disappointed with the West Indies board in serving up these turf hand-brakes. Last year's series against Pakistan and India in the Caribbean were that much more interesting because they served up some really quick decks that really played into the seamers' hands. I guess it's like Tony suggested, that they're aware of our strengths in fast bowling and are trying to nullify them. I thought they had finally decided against that sort of negative policy though, and were going for good cricket instead - apparently not! We have two relatively young sides (if not young then inexperienced might be a better word in some cases), both of which are at their best when they're attacking, and yet we're faced with this dirty old mattress. Bor-ING.

[Lou]

No point in giving our quicks any more help than they have to, though before the series started I was hoping the same thing. The wicket should get more spin-friendly as the match goes on.

[Vindicate]

How the hell isn't that out??? More plumb than something with a lot of plums in it!

[Tony]

Vindi, I have recently moved house, so the Telstra ADSL and Foxtel are not yet on at the new place. ADSL today (hopefully, since Telstra have rooted us around a bit - I know, you are shocked) and Foxtel on Wednesday.

5 for 208 on a shit pitch (apparently) is pretty good on day 1.

But Watto in the 50s AGAIN. That's just taking the piss.

[Tony]

Edith Cowan is not bad for Eddie, since Edith is very similar to Eddie and Eddie is a scholar, which fits with Edith Cowan Uni. Lucky his name is not similar to Curtin vis-a-vis Curtin University of Technology or C**t for short.

[Tony]

I'm banning "drowning in honey".

[Hangover Black]

I heard the original proposal was Curtin University of New Technology.

[Big Ramifications]

I just received an email from a chap called Reginald Ram. It's straight-up. He works for a recruitment company I know.

a] I laughed.
b] then an overwhelming feeling of jealousy enveloped me.

Reginald Ram must die!

[Tony]

If Reginald Ram married Caroline Lamb...

Baaaaaaaaa.

[Lou]

Hilfy bowling larvely stuff. And his opening partner is... Michael Beer. Some nice turn and bounce in there for him too.

[Tony]

Open Beer? Hope he doesn't go flat.

[Tony]

Barra barrelled by Beer. Bewdy.

[Carrot]

Darren Bravo has that fantastic Lara-esque quality of scoring slowly, but looking like he's not. Every defensive shot looks like there's an expansive drive in it somewhere. It makes defensive cricket interesting - I approve.

[Tony]

Stodgy old technicians would not approve. High backlift, flourish, harumph. In Lara's case the proof of the pudding is in the plundering. Bravo needs to turn show into dough.

[Russ]

Tempting fate much there Tony?

Bravo did very well in India. No doubt it is only his resemblance to Lara that makes me think he's going to slaughter us tomorrow. That and Pattinson's erratic lines, Lyon's tedious same-ness, and a lack of faith in Beer and Hilfy.

[Tony]

Our attack lacks wicket-taking teeth without Harris.

[Lou]

Pattinson was trying far too hard to take a wicket with every ball and was bowling a fair amount of Mitchell Johnsonesque shite in consequence.

[Carrot]

I enjoyed that, it was a good day's play. The Windies will be kicking themselves, but they're still well in the game if they bowl well in the second dig, and if they score another 25 runs or so tomorrow morning it'll be pretty much even anyway. Pattinson went off, so we could be down a bowler in the 4th innings as well - not that you'd expect seam to play much of a part on this deck.

By the by, I rate Carlton Baugh. He's just the sort of player that the Windies need at the moment - no frills, no cowboy attitude and ego, he just gets the job done. He should have been in the side a lot earlier in place of Denesh Ramdin, who is arguably more talented, but always disappointed.

[Tony]

About half six I flicked on the radio for a score and upon discovering the WI were 4/221 I switched off thinking it had been a slow grind.

About ten past seven I turned on the computer for a more detailed run down and discovered the WI had collapsed to 9/250.

And that Lyon, Nathan had done the damage.

[Vindicate]

Around the time I heard the 4/221 score on Auntie and made the prediction then and there that WIS Submarine Chanderpaul would get his ton and then the windies would fall in a heap.

Almost got it. (And you'll have to take my word that I did make a prediction at such a time)

[Tony]

Now got home computer and Foxtel, so there's no more excuses for cheap posts. Except for the Demons.

[Carrot]

Lyon has probably bought himself three or four more Tests at least following that spell. I can't see him ever taking wickets consistently in Australia though. It'll be interesting to see what he and Beer do in the final dig - even Clarke was looking dangerous, so it'll probably end up being a minefield.

[Big Ramifications]

Nathan Lyon = Tim May

A boring plodder. Just in case that equation needed elaborating upon.

Fire up, son! Give me a flipper. Rip a wrong'un from a foot outside leg stump. Heck, just give me a Mo Matthews bouncer. Do something. :)

[Nathan Lyon]

If you wait by the river long enough, the bodies of your enemies will float by.

[Sun Tzu]

Oy!

[Some bloke down the pub]

If you wait by the sewer long enough, the **** of your mates will float by.

[obsetlerb]

hello eking

[Tony]

If you wait down the pub long enough, some bloke will dodge a shout.

[Carrot]

All of this floating by business is pretty much the definition of offspin as far as I'm concerned. It's a special offie that really gets batsmen out - even the good offies sort of get the batsmen to get themselves out, as opposed to batsmen just getting themselves out on their own.

I think Lyon has done ok, and at the age of 24 he's got plenty of time to get better. He's got good numbers, too - an Australian offspinner averaging under 30 is actually quite impressive, given that for the most part Australia is a fingerspinner's graveyard. He would have had every opportunity to improve on those figures in this match were it not for the rain - he must be genuinely annoyed!

[Shep]

Wow some of you guys are tough, obviously early days and chances are his average will drift out but he's got the second best record for an Aussie spinner in the last 50 years (min 30 wickets)

[Tony]

Love the way I finally get Foxtel and rain ruins the day's play. All these things are connected and clearly add up to The World against Tony Tea.

[Big Ramifications]

Best off spin delivery I've evarr seen. It takes a giant crap all over Warne's SO CALLED ball of the century.

Great slo mo replay begins at 5:30.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBNScXh-9kc

Fair call, Shep. I'll be a bit more careful in future. Carrot got me all fired up and now I feel much shame.

He's got a head on him, but. Statistics prove this. A head of a plodder.

[Tony]

What, Mo's excellent offie is better than Warne's era-defining leggie to Gatting? Balls. Swann bowled a better offie than Mo's nut a couple of years ago to a left-hand batsman to mirror-image Warne's ball.

[Big Ramifications]

I was being a bombastic troll. In fact, memory had it turing about a foot more.

One of my favorite sites is heading slightly south due to the amount of trollong jokesters commenting there. So with that in mind, I promise my next FIVE comments will be serious.

// Shirley

[Alan Turing]

You idiot.

[Tony]

Hey, Alan. Did you know that after you died a road was named after you?

[Big Ramifications]

Something something Ring Road? Sounds Eastern statey. Too lazy to Google right now...

FWIW, Alan Turing was a ring bandit. And boy, don't ring bandits like to remind you about that fact.

[m0nty]

The defining characteristic of Mo's all-time pearler (which was the one at 4:30 to get Azha, not the one after it to get Kapil) was that it drifted out from a foot outside the line of off to TWO FEET outside off, before spinning back in to hit off and middle. Hard to think that a better offie could be bowled, albeit that I suspect there may have been some weather elements involved because you just don't get the ball to do that under calm conditions. Early example of reverse swing, maybe?

Warnie's ball was still better, but.

[m0nty]

I remember the famous Turing Test that was played between England and a side of robots. The footage was aired during an episode of The Goodies documentary series, I recall. Explosive finish to the game.

[Carrot]

M0nty, I think I actually prefer the earlier dismissal that was caught at cover. The drift on that one was really dramatic, and definitely meant that he hit it elsewhere than he intended.

I love Mo jumping around like and idiot and grabbing everyone, too. Marsh in particular completely ignores him, even though Mo was the bowler! It's probably not much to go on, but it certainly looks like they all thought he was a bit of a tool. Border in particular is reknowned for having hated him.

[Lou]

Yeah, lay off Lyon. It's not like there is anyone else smashing the doors down.

Much like our openers. And middle order.

And aren't our quick men breakable?

I just watched that WSC clip.

Modern cricketers can get stuffed. I still wub AB.

[Lou]

Apart from Gilly. He can stay unstuffed.

[Lou]

In that list of spin bowlers, why wasn't this guy in there?

http://www.espncricinfo.com/ci/content/player/8449.html

He was also a smashing gully fielder.

[Tony]

Roo Yardley was a terrific cricketer, but a dreadful commentator. He's also a chuckanista.

[Tony]

Superficially, declaring 8 down to set 200-odd seems like the weather may have saved us.

Bit of NGASAEB too.

I'm assuming Clarke was aware the weather was dodgy, and then there's the light.

[Shep]

An excellent question Lou - after a bit of investigation it turns out that Colin Miller, Mark Waugh and Bruce Yardley are classified as "mixture/unknown" and not "spin bowler" in cricinfo's database.

So here's the new list.

Lyon has been demoted to third place, and Funky gets the silver medal.

[Big Ramifications]

Carrot, everyone hated Zoehrer at that time too. I distinctly remember a lot of ignoring going on during those games - no team hugs for Tim. His solo theatrics at 5:36 have been etched into my brain for 28 years. He desperately wanted to be part of a team bottom-slapping session.

Thing is, Zoehrer was a dickhead, but I think Matthews' only crime that he was ahead of his time. It was when Australian cultures clashed, the last throes of the boorish beery Aussie yobbo, when you could still be unlucky enough to get into a fight for wearing a "are you from the planet Poofter, or the planet Studiper?" pink T shirt.

I instantly liked Matthews, and was rather surprised at the rumours that a lot of team mates couldn't stand him. So unless there was some nasty stuff that never went public... such as dropping a deuce in someone's kit bag...?

I mean, way back in boring old 1985, what sort of freak of nature brings up his maiden test century with a slog for six? He only hit 5 sixes in his career. Warnie tried it 15 years later and ended up lookin' like a goose.

Greg Matthews for GG!

[Tony]

Greg Matthews was certainly unpopular when he took author Roland Fishman on the 1991 Windies tour, and okayed Fishman to write about all the off-field shenanigans.

[Big Ramifications]

Well that's unforgivable and he can burn in hell.

Just like Acker, eh? Become a sellout to your team mates in a misguided attempt to start a "life after football." And what about that Pommie spinner who bought his disgusting pushy psycho loudmouth author of a wife on tour [Edmunds?].

But we waz talking 1985/1986, so the point is moot.

ps: Moot!

[Carrot]

Big, it's an interesting thing about beery yobbishness. I actually wonder whether it wasn't quite as entrenched as we think it was when it came to Australian cricket. I can't imagine that the likes of Richie Benaud, Neil Harvey, Bill Lawry, Alan Davidson et al were beery yobboes. I've met John Inverarity too, and he was anything but! I get the feeling that it was something that started in the seventies with the Ian Chappell era, and hung around for 20 years and not much more. I'm sure someone older than me will have a more accurate beam on that, of course.

I don't think that Matthews was ahead of his time per se - I think he was just a bit weird! I can remember him playing air guitar in the covers, and giving Border apoplexy. Is he still commentating, by the way? I remember some entirely amusing moments in the 2001 Waugh-Ganguly Indian series. I'm not sure if they ever put him and Navjot Sidhu together, but it would have been hilarious - completely unintelligible, but hilarious nonetheless.

[Big Ramifications]

Yeah Carrot, I'm definitely thinking just 1970s beer hounds... with the Lillee Marsh Walters Chappell beer culture lasting a bit longer in cricket. Remember, not get laagered at the designated time could result in a physical assault from a team mate right up until the late two-thousand-and-naughties [not picking on cricket here - most sports are resistant to culture shifts].

I don't remember much before the mid 70s, and obviously I didn't experience them as a beery yobbo. But from what I've pieced together from memory, movies, and news stories, this is how I picture it.

** Beer fuelled yobbos and violence and driving home drunk - note: head stomping and glassing wasn't in vogue yet.

** Gutless violence on the footy field. Check the "AFL legend" d!ckhead at 0:30. That cowardly snipe is on all his highlights clips for chrissakes.

** Very sexist. Snark at the paragraph from Nat Young's autobiography regarding "The Grunter" half way down the page.

** Even the girls were sexist towards other girls. See the exchange at 4:41 for proof!

** A man dressing as a woman on TV was a guaranteed laugh riot in the 70s. It was 90% of Graham Kennedy's early shtick.

** This was one of the only three white wines available in the whole farking country.

** I laff when I see a NO SHIRT NO SERVICE sign - but I guess they were invented for a reason. I remember heaps of shirtless yobbos when I was little, going about their biz, buying some milk or kicking the footy at the park. No doubt many of them wandering into the dodgier pubs dressed like that.

** ALL CROCODILES AND SHARKS MUST DIE!

** When it was OK to loudly accuse men of being poofters. "Proof?" I hear you ask. Proof at 3:39!

I reckon AB might have feared for his bottom. Mo Matthews was ahead of his time in Cricket Land, and a bit weird, which means he prolly was a poofter, eh wot? I think the farmer from Wandering would have also feared for his botty.

[Bernard Salty - Media Wh0re & Part Time Demographics Expert]

A good back-of-the-ciggie-packet calculation for a cricketer's mental age is to peruse the Australian player profiles, particularly the "favourite music" and "favourite movie" sections.

The Screaming Jets and Happy Gilmore.

Frozen in time.

[Lou]

One of the best things I ever read on a cricketer's profile was Mitchell Johnson describing why he wanted a bigger vocabulary.

They've removed it from the WACA page unfortunately.

[Tony]

I've played footy and cricket with a few Mo Matthews types. I don't reckon there is anything wrong, special or odd about them. They just think they are being cool, or with it (does that date me?), or a bit different. More often than not they are good company... up to a point, but eventually their affectations get right up your goat.

I have this theory (which I have no doubt already repeated here before) that when a person is introduced as "you'll love him - he's a real character" half those present smile, while the other half go "fuck no".

One of the prevailing characteristics of these characters is that they all think they are younger than they are. They also have dreadful taste in music, film and tv, embracing the latest fad of people half their age.

Har. Umph.

[Tony]

Carrot, Mo was indeed good value on that 2001 India series. Tim Lane and co tongue in cheek called him Dude, and his stints with Harsh were funny.

But even though Mo made good points about the cricket his hipster jargon was prone to wear thin.

Stick him in the same category as Dermott Breteton, who obviouly knows a lot about footy, and who makes lots of good points, but who tortures his delivery and the listeners' ear as he attempts - futilely - to employ words he has no idea about.

Both their characters appear contrived.

[Carrot]

Tone - I dig your vibe, man!

Commentary teams often make the mistake of having the "quirky" or "funny one". It rarely works. The problem with a lot of sports commentary is that ex-athletes might know a lot about their sport, but are not journalists/presenters by trade, not often natural orators, and you just get a lot of inarticulate, bombastic cheer-leading by consequence. Ian Botham springs to mind, as well as at least half of the Channel 9 team. When you add another layer - ex-athlete who isn't a natural orator and is also trying to be a comedian, it gets even worse. David "Bumble" Lloyd is a good example of that. He's like your great uncle who has had a few too many at the family gathering and thinks he's the funniest man alive - embarassing as hell. And in Brereton's case, I can imagine he just ends up spouting a lot of boys' club jockery.

Thanks for all the links, Biggy - you must have been sitting on those for awhile! Interesting reading/watching. I liked the Newcastle riot piece in particular - being a Sandgroper (originally) I hadn't actually heard of it.

[Big Ramifications]

Yeah, but to hate a man for being a pain in the arse? You hate a man who steals from you, or wantonly takes advantage of your good nature. To ignore a bowler after you've taken a catch to give him a wicket? Childish behaviour. Bloody hell, what was his crime?

That's one of the great things about sport. I always enjoyed seeing a team mate doing something speeeeecial, even if he was a dickhead. Then at the end of the game you could all go your separate ways. The family men, the angry loners, the guys-you-can't-stand.

On-field dickheadery is another matter [eg. selfish, violent]. You get a pass from me. You're allowed to temporarily lower your hate bar. The aggressive idiot gets no pats on the bum from Big Rammer!

Tony, did you know you can play tennis with a gay person? Really! Just after the game you say, "I'm gonna get a beer, what you gonna do?"

>"I think I'm gonna suck some guy's dick."

"Well, I'll see you later. You go suck that dick, I'm gonna have a beer."

/Eddie Murphy

[Big Ramifications]

Bloody hell, what was his crime?

That pretty much summarises my weak argument. Rumours get out. Marsh drank a lot of beer on that flight. Ponting can't handle his piss. Zoeher did some... things. The only mail I got about Matthews was that he was annoying. Glenn McGrath was annoying. If Matthews had done worse things I reckon we would have heard about it by now. That's all I've got.

Sounds like I'm defending Matthews. As it turns out six years later he really was a pretty average human being. I'm just issuing a "please explain" to his team mates on that night.

/ Erm, that whole homoph0bia theory above was just going for the cheap laughs. But we may as well keep it on the table, just to be safe.

// Botty. I laughed.

[Big Rammer's mum]

Here's a theory for ya. Geoff Marsh, the introverted country boy, sees Mo Matthews bounding his way and thinks, "Christ, if I give this guy half a sniff he'll be hanging off my neck like an Italian Soccer player, I better ignore him."

I hope you're not going to be on the internet all day. Your room better be tidy when I get home.

[Hu Flung Dung]

wanton

[Colonel Nathen R. Lyon]

Son, we live in a world that has balls, and those balls have to be bowled by men with wrong'uns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Big Ramifications?

I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Hauritz, and you curse the former selectors. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Hauritz's axing, while tragic, probably saved matches. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves matches.

You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about on internet forums, you want me with that ball, you need me with that ball. We use words like honour, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punch line.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who chats on blogs under the blanket of the very entertainment that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it.

I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a ball, and roll the shoulder over. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

[The horror, the horror!]

I love the smell of off-spin in the morning.

[Tony]

Geoff Peterson?

[Lenny No Balls Pascoe]

"TO All THE GIRLS I'VE LOVED BEFORE..."

[Tony]

Is that Dane Swan? Like in the games where he got a million, urrm, touches, you can say he brought his own ball(s).