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Pat

Schei├čeRitz

Pat

Why was PooJabba brought up the order?

m0nty

Kebabs finally going for the win by pushing the Wall down the order, maybe.

nick

Mazel Tov 8-)

Pat

I agree with all you said there Russ re. NSW and selections.

nick

PooJabba froze Dravid in carbonite...no ones noticed yet

nick

Test Match Sofa

... and that's what really pisses me off -whenever Australia win. Someone always makes a f***ing stupid mistake and lets them back into the game."

Bullshit. Unless we're playing Pakistan

Tony

Damn. I was hoping to come out of class to find Australia had made a quick 50, declared and knocked off a couple of Indian batsmen. Hacks.

Tony

What's more. VJ and Poojabba are settling in, no TV, Crooky won't update and the Sofa won't stream.

Pat

Just listened to that Test Match Sofa for the first time. Two poms gibbering to each other about anything but the game at hand, cracking unfunny jokes.

Can't see that ever getting a subscription.

Pat

You, mOnt and the rest of the AGB regulars oughta do your own Test Match Sofa Tones. Seriously. That'd be good to listen to.

Russ

12 off the first Ritz over. The best thing about the second innings of this match has been the collective failure of players I don't like.

m0nty

That over summed up Ritz's series. Both batsmen had no problem whatsoever spanking him about the park.

m0nty

Pat, so you'd listen to two Aussies gibbering to each other about anything but the game at hand, cracking unfunny jokes?

Tony

Pat, we were work-shopping AND round-tabling the idea yesterday. Butcher paper, crayons, coffee in styrofoam cups, the works.

Shit Gets Wickets (provisional name prior to the obligatory Rudd-style focus grouping) will take the internet by storm.

m0nty

Punter and Studsy have somehow resurrected bodyline for VJ this over. Every ball short and at the body.

Russ

While we are on SGW, how many of us live in Melbourne (where presumably it will need to broadcast from)?

Tony

Hoggy (original & best) has a theory that Ponting is only bowling Shitritz because he wants him to get smacked out of the team.

m0nty

The SGW broadcast can be accomplished via Skype without too much irritation, assuming everyone has reliable broadband. Messing about with sound boards and multiple mics in the same room seems superfluous to me.

Tony

Guess who?

How the hell can hauritz bowl to this field ?? Feeling for hauritz , terrible !! What are these tactics ? Sorry Ricky but what are you doing

He who.

Adsy

India could be doing a massive favour to Australia here by spanking Hauritz out of the attack and hopefully out of the team. Just like the injustice that South Africa inflicted on us by belting McGain into international retirement. I'm never one for pushing a NSW player for selection but they have to play Smith don't they?

m0nty

That was the ultimate in-out field for Ritz, three catchers within arm's length then the other seven on the fence.

Tony

I trust Warnie will be as forthright with his opinions on Channel Nine this summer. Or will the deadening blanket of the official broadcaster smother his best work?

m0nty

Gideon Haigh on the Sofa live from the 72 tram to Camberwell. That's reasonably impressive.

m0nty

One minute in and already Gideon is referencing English county cricket from the 1960s. Good old Gideon.

m0nty

It must have required a certain je ne sais quoi for Gideon to speak for a full 35 minutes on the phone on that 72 tram to an Englishman via mobile over the Internet. It's a new world.

m0nty

That's why IPCoS is bowling, you Sofa bastards! Plumb as a tree full of plums.

Nick

Watto is the Australian team.

m0nty

Just five more quick ones and we're a chance.

Pat

SGW is a good name. Put me down for a subscription.

Are you gonna have talkback? And giveaways? I wanna ring in and get a dozen roses for my sob stories.

mOnt is right, you'll only need Skype.

Tony

I will do the hard hitting segments like getting listeners to call in with their favourite kitchen smells.

m0nty

TLM ducks a short one that doesn't get up and should have been out shoulder before wicket according to Hawkeye. Would have been almost as weird as that one-dayer in the 80s where Gus Logie got hit fair in the cods and was given out.

Pat

I'm pretty sure TLM has been out before LBW (shoulder) ducking into a short one that didn't get up. In Oz it was I think. There was much hue & cry over it. You know the drill, TLM can't get out like that, he's the LM!

m0nty

Pat, that's the sort of encyclopaedic memory for cricket trivia that the SGW will be shying RIGHT away from.

Tony

TLM was out LB ducking when a full toss hit his shoulder in Adelaide. Harper Bizarre was the umpire. It created such a rumpus that even though it was a pretty fair call, it will not happen again.

Tony

Crooky was on the ball, too:

Watson to Tendulkar, no run, 136.2 kph, shades of Adelaide! Tendulkar ducks into a short ball and gets hit on the shoulder by one that does not rise at all. Watson appeals, just like McGrath did in Adelaide, but Bowden says not out, unlike Harper did in 1999. Replays suggest the ball grazing the bails.
Tony

I'm going big! This Test is toast. Toast Match Special.

m0nty

On second thoughts, I wouldn't want three more of these, after starting 0-2.

Tony

An article from 2003, four years after the original LB, four years before Wild Dogs:

Tourists fear Tendulkar gets rough justice, but star batsman takes it on the chin: Although yesterday's contentious leg-before-wicket decision was made by a neutral umpire, respected Jamaican Steve Bucknor...

How times change. Morgan Freeman scuttled off into retirement with his white cane between his legs.

Tony

Poojabba is bending us over.

RT

When is the last time a team has scored over 400 batting first in consecutive tests and lost both tests? I'd say it's a very rare occurrence.

Tony

It's a chance to keep happening, too. A loss after 400 in Brisbane is on the cards. Swann to go through us on day four or five, depending on who wins the toss.

Pat

Very noble of TLM to take those outrageous, and always contentious, decisions on the chin.

If it happened to Wild Dawg, yawn, build a bridge would ya Punter, ya deserved it anyway ya piggy eyed non ethnically diverse bastard.

m0nty

Depressing stat from the Sofa: the last time Australia lost three Tests in a row was 88/89 against the Windies.

m0nty

Hotels must have let off a particularly smelly fart in the changerooms for him not to have been given the aggot this session.

Tony

Hope he hasn't re-injured himself. He is our best bowler.

Tony

Off to trivia. One question that will not be asked is "By what margin did Australia win the Bengalurulore Test?"

m0nty

Ritz on, Punter has given up. And yes, he bowls wide rubbish and gets cut easily for four by Pujabba who is pumping with great force.

m0nty

Pujabba's first name is Cheteshwar. That puts me in mind of Chet, the evil big brother from Weird Science who got turned into a fat green alien. Played by the inimitable Bill Paxton.

m0nty

Highly relevant Bill Paxton quotes from another movie featuring extraterrestrial organisms:

"Hey, maybe you haven't been keeping up on current events, but we just got our asses kicked, pal!"

"Let's just bug out and call it even, OK? What are we talking about this for?"

"Well that's great, that's just fvckin' great, man. Now what the fvck are we supposed to do? We're in some real pretty sh1t now man..."

"That's it man, game over man, game over! What the fvck are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do?"

m0nty

Ritz bowls Pujabba playing for the spin, but forgetting how crap Ritz is and playing inside a straight one. That's about the only way Ritz can get a batsman.

m0nty

18 overs before Hotels is introduced in the second session. Inexplicable.

m0nty

Just got a feeling of deja vu, in the sense that these two Tests have felt like the two AFL grand finals this year.

m0nty

Another encapsulating series of sh1t by Ritz to TLM: thrown up and hit for six over midwicket; thrown up and hit for six over midwicket; attempted doosra lands in Ritz's half and balloons up harmlessly.

m0nty

Where's Sameer to crap on about how wonderful Indian pitches are, giving the bowlers plenty to work with on day 5? It's another road. Although admittedly we've bowled tripe on it.

m0nty

Robbo says Ritz's doosra after the two sixes was "gutsy" and "a good piece of bowling" ending up with: "I take my hat off to him, if he's doing that and advancing that way that's good for our stocks and him as a bowler." I want to punch both of them in the face. Hauritz should never bowl for Australia again.

Russ

Back from dinner. Things are going as expected; but on the plus side, Australia's somewhat inexplicable reign on the top of my ratings continues because they'll lose by less than 250 runs. They'll go to Brisbane expected to win by about 80 runs which is 13 runs more than Australia was expected to lose by in 1989 and a full 69 runs more than they were expected to win by in 86/87.

m0nty

Hauritz is the only spin bowler I've seen turn it less on day 5 than day 3.

m0nty

Gnome B.N. sighting. He looks like he's about to burst out crying in the rooms, covering his quivering chin with his hand.

Russ

Don't tell me the team is developing the self-awareness to realise that they are dreadfully shit?

You know if Ponting could he'd name the same side he had in 06/07 next month.

Samir Chopra

Monty: It's "Samir" not "Sameer". I got your day 5 pitch right here (just woke up - its 523 AM here). Though, I see you've gone ahead and said it already "Although admittedly we've bowled tripe on it."

Pat

Apparently we are going to drop to 5th on the ICC rankings as a result of this loss. And that's our lowest ranking ever according to Crookinfo.

Good news I reckon. The game is up for this theory about playing out old hacks into their retirement. It's failed.

Time to bring in the young blood.

m0nty

I was prevaricating and going to look that up, Samir, and knew that I'd get it wrong whatever I'd choose. But I've found looking things up in AGB comments takes way too long. Apologies.

Russ

Get on with it Ricky. There is no point setting a proper attacking field with 2 to win. You should have done that 200 runs ago.

Big Ramifications

I am young and hung.

Samir Chopra

Monty: No worries.

I have to admit, I'm surprised at how quickly runs got scored today - 207 in 45 overs is very quick for a last-day chase.

m0nty

We bowled fruit for the sightscreen all day.

Pat

Correction: time to blood the young and hung. You're at first drop Rammer. Pat "the donk" Hannagan's opening, cause I'm old and bold.

Pat

I reckon Wild Dawg and his rock steady crew oughta pack up and leave India in a huff. Next flight home in protest.

Russ

Possibly the worst possible result for Australia. Not only did they lose - in the typical way: collapsing in the second innings, failing to keep the scoring rate down, and batsmen getting starts not going on - but North probably saved his spot, Shameless can point to ill luck, Ponting played quite well (when I still want him to bolster the middle order at 5), and there are now serious question marks over Lemming's form, and the sort of general malaise that permeates the games of Studs and Krab. Paine played okay, but didn't do enough to force the selectors hand, Hotels bowled well but averaged in the mid-40s and IPCoS scored a 30, 2 50s and a ton but still only averaged 67.8 (should be more like 87.8).

Russ

Oh and well played India, though you should have won by a shitload more.

m0nty

Blewie's Brisbane XI: out Paine and George, in Haddin (NSW) and Harris (NSW).
Robbo's Brisbane XI: out Paine, in Haddin (NSW).

The delusion from the establishment is unbelievable.

Aussie bloke Jarryd on Sofa's Brisbane XI: Katich, Rogers, Watson, Clarke, Ponting, Paine, Smith, Johnson, Hilfenhaus, Siddle. Now THAT is an XI.

m0nty

Oh, I missed Harris at 9 in Jarry'd side.

m0nty

India are indeed worthy #1s, albeit that some pundits will still complain that they haven't beaten the former champs away, as some like to define it. The Aussies were made to look better than their play suggested via two important decisions: namely, the coin falling the right way at the tosses, ensuring we didn't have to bat last and score something embarrassing like 88 again.

Russ

I'd take JRod's XI. Though as I've said before, I'd put McDonald in for Harris. He has an equivalent f/c bowling average, is a better bat, and can do something none of the other bowlers can: keep the runs down and support someone going well at the other end. He'd complement Studs and Smith well.

Pat

Doesn't Harris play for SA? If you're against born and bred NSWelshman getting selected then only Haddin, Clarke and Harris make the grade. 3 Cockroaches in the national squad does not bespeak favouritism.

You seem obsessed with this NSW thing mOnt.

Re. Haddin and Paine. Haddin is 10x the batsman than Paine is. So on that basis I'd select him too. But I'd go for youth and would have Paine. I'd drop Hussey and play Haddin in his place.

I'd definitely drop Krab. I'd drop Pup as well. I can't stand to watch either of them. A good old fashioned dropping might do Clarke some good.

But none of that will happen because the selectors are fools.

Russ

Pat, Haddin might be a better striker of the ball, but he plays stupid shots, and Paine by and large has batted well, even in the midst of our frequent collapses. And he won't concede 100 runs a test like Haddin is wont to do with the gloves.

m0nty

Add Bolly to your list, Pat. Also probably Hughes/Rogers and Khawaja this summer as Hilditch's version of generational change.

Lou

Possibly the worst possible result for Australia. Not only did they lose - in the typical way: collapsing in the second innings, failing to keep the scoring rate down, and batsmen getting starts not going on - but North probably saved his spot, Shameless can point to ill luck, Ponting played quite well (when I still want him to bolster the middle order at 5), and there are now serious question marks over Lemming's form, and the sort of general malaise that permeates the games of Studs and Krab. Paine played okay, but didn't do enough to force the selectors hand, Hotels bowled well but averaged in the mid-40s and IPCoS scored a 30, 2 50s and a ton but still only averaged 67.8 (should be more like 87.8)."

Couldn't have said it better myself. And wouldn't try.

It shits me that Paine will be the only one dropped, but he has only come in when the team is under pressure. He hasn't yet had a cushion that I can think of. He's fronted up damn well for a rookie. But stuff him, he's 25 so he can eff off. Everyone else can stick around regardless of what they do in the actual matches.

Lou

Nice thing about Jarryd's line up is that it gets rid of the underperforming lefties in the middle order and puts in righties just where Swann won't want to see them.

The selectors won't see that though. They'd rather Swann bowl at shaky lefties all Ashes. You watch.

Pat

Re. the SGW radio show, may I recommend my post on how to call a game? Thank you, here it is.

My tips:

1) Talk mostly about the match in progress
2) Describe the match in progress
3) Try to use metaphors that create a visualisation in your listener's mind's eye. eg. the bowler is running in from right to left of your monitor. Don't talk about the southern end, or the Paddington end etc. You can mention it but just stick with "left to right or right to left".

Sticking with those 3 principles will make you a success, since you all have the knowledge and wit to make the game interesting, humorous, and impart non-standard/generic information, as you already do here at AGB Cricket.

I'd reckon your audience would be those who don't have Fox or get to a TV to see the game. Therefore they are hoping to have the game described to them, so that they can see it in their mind's eye.

Listening to Test Match Sofa there was none of the above. The game was a backdrop to a bunch of pommy wankers daisy chaining themselves to their own delight, with not a consideration that they had an audience who are mostly not interested in what those galoots get up to in their spare time, nor find their pathetic humour laughable. Gideon Haigh can suck my %$##, as with most of the other lamestream pom cricketing media.

Ozzies tell it straight, without affectation. Stick to it.

Good luck.

Oh, and don't be afraid to take ads or make money from the venture.

Cam

The Sofa guys are a bunch of pommy 'new Labour' tools and the token Australian Jarryd seems like a class act:

http://www.cricketwithballs.com/2010/01/27/new-balls-t-shirt-available/

My advice to them: go find real work.

Pat

"Cricket is like punching a baby in the face. It isn't for everyone."

Wtf is that supposed to mean? Cricket isn't for everyone and neither is soccer, big deal. But why mix it with the perverse notion of punching a baby in the face? Fuck me but I'd like to take to these leftards that infest everything with their new age moralising.

JRod sounds like a right fuck knuckle.

How about "Cricket is like life. It used to be run by men, but now every bloke smoker and his boyfriend's getting in on the act."

Big Ramifications

Pat for GG!

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