THIRD TEST: THE WACA

Crash is on drugs: "a nation still suffering from PWD (post-Warne depression)." Balls! Name me just one person suffering from PWD, just one.

Did anyone see BJ and The Boys on Monday night?. (Mike Hussey, a big AGB fan, actually called it BJ and the Boys.) Mark Waugh mentioned that the bowlers would "appreciate the lively Perth wicket." Now, admittedly this Test will be played on a first-time track which makes it hard to predict what might happen this week, but seriously, where has he been for the last few years? The WACA track has become the dullest in Australia; its current blandness has one pining for days both good and old, when wickets tumbled and matches finished in three days:

ANOTHER lousy pitch, another three-day finish. The players did their best to prolong the contest by sending down nearly 100 no balls and wides in the match, nine of which came in Curtly Ambrose's final over, likely to be the last he will bowl in Australia.

But lump two teams of loping, accurate fast bowlers together on a strip of fractured concrete and an early finish is inevitable, especially with Australia having already won the series.

Naturally it's down to the usual suspects: cricket authorities and official broadcasters (and young people), who have combined to dictate that pitches must, in the sporting parlance, go the distance. Is there any other parlance than sporting parlance?

PS: Injuries have progressed from blight to plague. How long before national sides have "bull pens" instead of eleven players and twelfth men?

CHARACTER ASSASSINATION

You know my opinion on character? Every time someone says "You should meet Joe Bloggs, he's a real character" one person will say "great!" and ten will say "Fvck no." The same thing probably applies to pitches:

A wicket with character . . . about time

It had become lower and slower in recent seasons, continuing the trend of pitches around the world that are losing, or have lost, their character.

Comments

[Russ]

Lively wicket, three day contest... question is, do you think we'd win a game like that?

[Tony]

No, but it would be "quick and painless."

[Tony]

Seal of approval or kiss of death?

Chairman of selectors Andrew Hilditch claimed Smith had been "identified as an exciting young talent capable of having a significant impact at international level for Australia".

"While he has excited all in recent times for NSW with the bat, we consider his skills as a leg spinner will give good balance to the attack and we are confident he will seize the opportunity if it presents itself in Perth," Hilditch said.

[Tony]

Get stuffed, baldy.

[Tony]

What's the bet the kid who throws the ball in is a character.

[RT]

The kid who throws the ball in - that's gold.

[Tony]

Back from lunch at Barkly's Hotel, bistro, wine bar, cafe, function room, Tabaret in Heidelberg. The Angus 400g rump was excellent. The air conditioning less excellent. The pokie room like the Day of the Living Dead; surprised there were no brains on the menu.

Back in the office it's hard not to fall asleep; doubly-so with Terry Alderman commentating.

[m0nty]

I liked how one of the commentators marvelled that Smith had somehow got an Australian kit bag complete with his name on it and turned up with it at Perth airport, despite only being called upon yesterday. Of course he did, they hand you a complete Australian kit when you play your first game for NSW, everyone knows that.

[Tony]

In fact: all NSW kit comes with a bottle of yellow additive to turn the blue to green, and velcro NSW badges covering the Australian badges.

[Tony]

So, how's that short bowling working out, Windies?

[m0nty]

Odds of PC actually converting his 50 into a ton today?

[Tony]

The Indestructible Paper Cut of Steel is 50 already and scoring nearly as fast as last night when the Shrees and India tonked it out.

By the way, has a side ever chased a higher score in a one-dayer, and choked?

[Tony]

Betting outlets should frame a market around PC scoring between 96 and 100.

[Tony]

Oh, no.

Gnome B.N. is about to start his 20 minutes of suck-up gibberish.

[Tony]

Crikey, blimey, Nora.

Jim Maxwell even tweets mozz: "watson should get a ton....windies keen but impatient...wacked at the waca"

NO! capital letters? Surely that should be "Windies KEEN! but impatient...WACKED! at the WACA."

[m0nty]

Maxwell knows better than to shout, even if only by tweet. Twitter probably has its own chapter in the ABC Style Guide by now.

[Tony]

Style Guide sounds like such an ABC term, like balsamic vinegar and partner.

[Tony]

G.Nome AND Drew! The is no limit to ABC slurping.

[Tony]

0/106 at the luncheon adjournment.

G.Nome goes controversial: "Let's not get carried away with the Windies in Adelaide. They had the best of the conditions, and yet they couldn't force a win."

[m0nty]

G.Nome sounds like a name of a stem cell researcher.

[Tony]

He's named in honour of that famous geneticist, Human G. Nome.

[m0nty]

Also, I believe that's the first time an Australian cricketer got 69 in the first session since Brendon Julian toured the local nightclubs.

[Tony]

A Test player and good looking rooster like BJ would have been a Tiger on tour.

[Tony]

Paper Cut out for 89.

There's a shock.

1/132.

His back-monkey is getting bigger.

[m0nty]

Typical PC, all the hard work done, thrown away and now he exposes the lower order.

[Tony]

How come whenever a commentator says "Roche" no one follows up with "Bewdy Newk"?

[Big Ramifications]

Typical PC, all the hard work done, thrown away and now he exposes the lower order.

Wouldn't it be funny if he exposed his genitals?

[m0nty]

Gnome B.N. is having conniptions of joy every time Punter grimaces. It's rather unseemly.

[nick]

Big : Are you calling Hussey a cvnt? 8-)

Kat needs a 100, Watto really needs a 100, Ponting needs a new elbow, and the scene is set for Huss to charge in and get a career saving and Ashes losing 100.

[Tony]

45 minutes in the car, 45 minutes on the phone to Pigbond because my internets were, ahem, borked.

345 minutes - at least it felt that long - of Gnome B.N. and his "flinty eyed, world's toughest Boonie" and "amazing, super-tough Tugger" and "sensational, man of steel Punter" and "miracle" and "astonishing" and "outstanding" and "magnificent" and et cetera and et al and the rest. Massive!

[Hangover Black]

He does go on a bit.

Kat, you peanut.

[m0nty]

Krabs out for 99 to a sucker ball. Is there some law of the universe preventing Aussies from scoring a ton this summer?

[Tony]

Katich gone for 99, caught in suckerville.

2/260.

Kat, you idiot.

[Tony]

Well, it's unanimous then. Peanut, idiot, sucker. Better not be the sort of dumb dismissal that presages a collapse.

[Russ]

There was a very odd comment from Roebuck this morning on this lack of hundred's business: "Failing to score a hundred, though, is not a failure at all, merely an omission. A duck is a failure."

Complete tosh. A duck is often unlucky: fresh batsman, good ball, out. Failing to go on from a start means someone else in your side needs to make a start and finish your job. Krab has been repeatedly negligent on this score, Paper Cut is shaping up to be worse. Can't say that the others have been any better either, in the past year or so.

[m0nty]

Shocking shot Pup. Just terrible. Yet another dismissal where he starts believng in the hype about his footwork against spinners and treis to do too much, and the spinner gets him out without trying. Happens all too often.

[Hangover Black]

Clarke - double peanut

[m0nty]

Tony, I have tried searching the archives but to no avail: I can't figure out the etymology of the name Gnome B.N.

[Russ]

M0nty: fyi.

[Tony]

Was arriving at trivia when Clarke got out, at which point Dreary Alderman was moved to opine: "Clarke will have his hands in his head."

[m0nty]

Russ: thank you, I knew it would be entertaining.

[Tony]

Mont: Yesterday's commentary, with all its massive adjectives, perfectly captured the essence of the Gnome B.N. nickname; especially the relentless legendising of Ponting, and even Punter's wife.

[RT]

For the first time in a while I have gone the TV commentary option for the majority of play rather than the ABC commentary, as the ABC WA team is either Gnome superlative grating or Alderman soporific. That Baggy Green underling sacking shows Gnome's true colours. No telling off and warning of some wag but let's throw some wolf lawyer right at him. Thin skinned turd.

[m0nty]

I really wish they had an option for this series like they do on Fox Sports Active for the AFL and the (overseas) cricket, where you can just listen to the crowd noise.

[Tony]

In today's Herald Sun:

Struck again the next delivery in the ribs, Ponting batted on but was clearly in agony and called for more medical attention at the drinks break.

"He is obviously sore. I reckon he would rather kick his stumps down than walk off," former Test opener Justin Langer said.

"This is how legend grows."

Pass the purgative; my bowels are revolting.

[Tony]

On the upside. When the G.Nome gave the myths and legends a spell and instead talked cricket, he was fine. In particular he described, in easy-to-comprehend detail, what was previously wrong with the batting stance of the Indestructible Paper Cut of Steel, and what PC had subsequently done to correct the problem.

[The Don has risen]

Tony don't you need continence to go with bowels to get a sentence

[Tony]

But sometimes you need a colon.

[m0nty]

Full stop.

[m0nty]

I note, apropos of not much, that John Alexander has been preselected for the Liberals for the seat of Bennelong.

[Tony]

I get the shits with simplistic commentary. One instance that particularly gets right up my gonga is "It doesn't say 'dropped' in the scorebook". Terry Alderman used this piece of low rent quippery yesterday, while Ian Chappelli is especially fond of "Check it in the paper tomorrow."

On one level it passes muster. A good batsman does indeed treat the vicissitudes of batting with a shrug and a "treat every ball on its merits" sang froid.

But the commentators aren't commentating for the batsman out on the sward, they are commentating for us experts out in radio/TV land. We are discerning beasties who demand more than pat, shallow throw-away lines.

Cheap commentary might wash with fatheads, but have you ever heard an insightful fan ignore an innings where the batsman was dropped several times? Take Flatty Hayden in Adelaide in 1997. Your bland stats gobbler might be impressed by Flatty notching his first Test ton, but your clever clogs shrugs and says "Yeah, but he batted rubbish and was dropped 134 times."

It's a qualification not to be blithely ignored. You can bet your bottomest dollar the selectors don't ignore it.

Do the commentators intentionally diss the listeners? No, I suspect it's worse: they have nothing insightful to say.

Good commentary demands that the commentators dispense with trite observations and, just maybe, have a good hard think about what comes out their cakeholes. Anything less treats the listeners like idiots.

[Tony]

Monty: correction. It's not John Alexander, it's Jay Ay.

If he's as bad a politician as he a commentator, well, you can finish that sentiment for yourself...

On the other hand, if he's as boring a politician as he is a commentator, he'll fit right in. And if he's as parochial a politician as he is a commentator, the Liberal party won't need to worry about him rocking the boat.

[Tony]

What's James doing in Hussey's living room?

James, one of the many Hussey fans: "I am excited to to see Hussey make a massive score and can't wait to stand up in his living room and applaud the great one."

Stalky.

[Tony]

Hussey out.

Another ton down the toilet.

4/355.

Will Stalky James do anything dramatic?

[m0nty]

Christ Almighty, have the Baggy Greens been cursed never to score another Test ton?

[Tony]

Hussey was doomed to fall short of a hundred. Far too many journos and pundits wrote that he was a great chance to break the trend today.

[Tony]

Cut & paste?

back of a length delivery angled across and Hussy stands in the crease and nibbles at it and gets an outside edge to Ramdin behind the wicket.

I'm stuck with the ABC - JL & Drew at the moment - but who needs to see the TV coverage when Hussey keeps getting out the same way.

[RT]

Tony, that RACV guy gives me the creeps. The RACV instant estimate is he's right out of a boy band. Only 4 more days to manouver past that picture and log into this tread I guess.

[Tony]

Rich: "Call Jason" has a friend.

[Tony]

Question for Hewy: SHOULD Ponting move down the list?

[m0nty]

I think he should retire hurt more often. Builds the legend.

[Tony]

Haddin might be a goose behind the stumps, but he is a Guus when it comes to knocking up effortless 50s.

Expect him to get out soon.

North's in the red zone, too.

[Tony]

Red Zone!

North hits a knee-high full-toss straight back to Debonaire for a C&B.

5/444.

[m0nty]

Someone pointed the bone, I'm telling you. It's freaky. In an Alexander Downer way.

[Tony]

Less Downer, more Catweazle. (Needs Touchwood.)

[Russ]

Probably the least effective way to get off a quadruple nelson. I suspect Biggy's doing. 80 more runs from the tail and we'll get past that highest innings total without a century record.

[m0nty]

Biggy Bird? Dickie was the nelson specialist, I recall.

[Tony]

David Shepherd.

[Russ]

No, I mean, all these blokes getting out for less than a hundred is Biggy's doing. He was pining after that record in Adelaide, if I recall.

[m0nty]

Honestly, I hang out here a lot and even I need a glossary sometimes.

[m0nty]

Or perhaps a dramatis personae.

[Tony]

Wonder what colourful description would accompany "Big Ramifications" in the glossary.

[Tony]

Coming soon: AGB, the Musical.

[Tony]

The perils of live cricket: no 7-second delay. Don't think I've heard a West Indian swear before.

[Bruce]

Red Mist is descending on Klutz.

Look for another cheap out here.

[Nick]

FFS Klutz! Studs for 100! It's like one of those interviews where they try and use a word they've discussed in the shed just before...Kat wins, closest to the pin

[Tony]

So, back off topic.

What's the record total without a century?

[Tony]

Declared? I hate declared.

Innings break: Ponting has declared, Ponting does not realise the record and he calls them in. This is the highest Australian score without a century being scored, previous best was 485.

Ponting: building the legend.

[Tony]

Looks like Ponting declared 5 runs short of the world record.

Ponting: dudding the legend.

[m0nty]

The politics of declarations. Ponting's main impetus for declaring - which can not be supported empirically when looking at the position of the match in the context of historical precedent - seems to be that it would make him look bad to sit in the sheds nursing the boo-boo on his elbow while nine-ten-jack are batting.

[Russ]

Studs won't ever change will he? Trash, trash, unplayable, trash...

[Tony]

It's becoming harder and harder not to bracket Studs with Chris Matthews.

[m0nty]

At least Studsy can bat.

[m0nty]

Oh well, at least Studsy's four overs are done. Now for the rest of this T20 innings.

[m0nty]

Carn Clint McKay.

[Tony]

Chris Matthews had a first class average of 20, which probably equates to about 30+ in this era of turbo-charged bats, small grounds and extra batting practice for bowlers. I saw him bat a few times over in WA and he could wield willow.

It was a pity he blew it when he finally made the Test team.

[m0nty]

Good areas Clint.

[m0nty]

Good areas but when you're bowling as accurate and fast as Pigeon without any of Pigeon's crucial height, top batsmen like Gayle can treat you with contempt.

[Russ]

Geez, mOnty, it is only 1cm the difference. I daresay Gayle tries to treat everyone with contempt.

[Tony]

Gayle's got talent, but right now he's out there having a "nothing to lose" lash at anything.

[Tony]

Clint bowls a maiden! There's your front page right there.

[m0nty]

My point is that you rarely saw McGrath, despite his predictable line and length, get a good ball swatted over midwicket.

[Tony]

On reflection, make that a "point to prove" lash at anything.

[Tony]

He certainly proved a point to Nathan. Not entirely sure what that point was, but it's there somewhere within those two sixes.

[m0nty]

The point is "we're aiming to make 700 and knock you cocky bastards over for 120 just after tea on day 5".

[Tony]

I suppose the honchos at the WACA are congratulating themselves on their road-inspired slog-a-thon.

[Tony]

Welcome to the new form of international cricket: T-Test.

[m0nty]

Nelson! Our last hope dashed.

[Tony]

Great sign! The run-rate is down to 5.61.

[m0nty]

Correction to my earlier prediction: just after tea on day 4.