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Key moments:

Gabbatoir - England All Out 157

AddleAide - England All Out 129

Perthetic - England All Out 215

Melbourne - England All Out 159 AND All Out 161

Sinney - England All Out 147


The billboard on the fence says Wanker I think. How appropriate. Hey Gilo - keep walking!


Pity Geraint ain't in the photo, too.


All Aussies can rest easier now that Gilo and Geraint have been re-classified as Ashes Clowns.

Harmy's 1st ball was a corker too. Harmy overrated before, not now. Re-classified as Good For Very Short Periods.

Monty is going to be good though.


Lucky we didn't have to chase a couple of hundred. Having Monty roll us for an English win would have been too much to bear.

Thankfully the English batting was once again totally dismal.


Indeed. Monty was at times spinning it fiercely in the 1st innings. All the media talk of the Aussie crowd's Monty bating before the kickoff was a load of bollocks. The fact is he won a lot of respect because he could actually play the game to a reasonable standard. Expect of course for his high fives after a wicket......needs some work on that aspect of his game.


Stereotypically speaking - Monty's high five is more of a gay five. Very la dee da, Mr Gunner Graham.


Monty could easily have been in It Aint Half Hot Mum. "There is old Punjabi proverb that says..."


He'd bypass Pommy sit-coms and progress straight to Bollywood. He's made for it. Every Indian fillum contains cricket and strange dancing.


A serious question for you Tony
(take your time I realise you've been celebrating)
How come Warney never took many wickets in shield cricket?
And even in district for that matter
I have some theories.....


I always thought it was because Strayan batsmen have been facing leggies for years. Obviously they aren't all as good as Warnie, but we've just seen a lot of them.


Probably a bunch of reasons Chris.
- Warne's Test average in Australia is 29, his Shield average 34 (the same as MacGill incidentally).
- Shield games are 4 days, so the pitches aren't as worn, and may be marginally greener to help get results (?)
- A lot of his Shield games have been either early in his career (when, franky, his figures were rubbish) or coming back after injury. McGrath has a similar issue.
- Similarly, most of Warne's games are early in the season - ie. on greener decks and without much bowling behind him. For the best part of his career he played 2-3 games for Victoria, tops. His more complete seasons (when he wasn't playing one-day cricket) have better figures.
- Warne is at his best when he has some competition. Empty grounds probably don't provoke him to his best cricket.
- And what Tony said. Shield batsmen are more competent players of spin (on Australian pitches)


Monty's figures look pretty ordinary to me. Keep dreaming England. He does now hold the record for the most runs from an Ashes Over. He is just on the wrong end of it.


Wonder if Gilo has contemplated assisted seppuku.


The Beeb has some of the driest and funniest commentary I've seen in a long time.

1013: WICKET - Pietersen ct Gilchrist b McGrath 29, Eng 114-5
They could have least waited until we'd all sat down...
McGrath strikes with the third ball of the day, moving one away from Pietersen and Gilchrist bagging the easiest of chances. Amazing, isn't it - just when you think it can't get any worse...
1031: WICKET - Panesar run out 0, Eng 114-7
Did I say it couldn't get any worse? Read calls Monty through for a quick single, Monty jogs at the pace of a man pulling an airplane, and Symonds destroys the stumps with a direct hit. Why did we even bother flying to Australia in the first place?


I think the Aussie batsmen come forward to him and are prepared to hit him down the ground. This cuts out a lot of the LBW's he seems to get( on the 10 appeals: 1 wicket ratio)


or this gem

1116: Eng 147-9
Warne might have over 700 Test wickets, and he might be about to finish his Test career with a spectacular thrashing of the old enemy, but can he stop Harmison slogging him through midwicket for four? No he cannot. It's like watching your house burn down, only to find a bonus 20p in the lining of your coat as you do so


Russ: As usual, far too sensible, too many good points, spot on. Stop it.

Michael: I think, as with most spinners, Monty needs the backing of a good score. Englands batting was utter shit this year, almost the worst there's been for the last 20, so Monty really had no protection.

Chris: It's a recurrent theme from the likes of Chappelli, Doyen, Bull, KoK, etc that you need to use you feet to spinners. The Poms, in particular, don't generally do that. KP excepted, but he's not really a Pom.

CB: Not sure he'd go that far, but I'm sure he contemplated Ritual Going Home.

Murph: I think I just lean to The Guardian's OBO:

48th over: England 118-7 (Read 0, Mahmood 4)
Here comes Sajid Mahmood, who ends a sequence of three ducks with a streaky four through the cordon off McGrath. After 23 minutes and 28 balls, England have finally scored a run. Worth an MBE perhaps? Saj missed out last time, after all. "Of all the moments of staggering ineptitude shown by England on this Ashes tour, what has been the real low point?" asks Tim Hill. Well, Adelaide is up there. Brisbane comes a close second, with Melbourne next, followed by Perth. And the less said about Sydney the better.

WICKET! Read c Ponting b Lee 4 (122-8)
Read really does play that shot well - the mindless nibble outside off - and Ponting dives to his left at second slip to gather the nick. Dismal does not come close. A more serious answer to Tim Hill's question is that Adelaide comes first, followed by the second morning at Perth, when England had a chance to make Australia's 244 look puny. They blew it, and then allowed Australia to coast to 100-odd for one by stumps. I'd also nominate the post-lunch session on day two at Melbourne, when Flintoff set mysteriously defensive fields with the Aussies 100 for 5. Freddie's captaincy has looked suspect all tour. Like the England team, John Donnelly has lost it. "That was amazing," he says. "Pietersen going third ball has made me genuinely happy. As if all the pain, the lack of sleep, the humiliation, frustration, longing, anger, regret, bitterness, churlishness, and fear engendered by the last couple of months has vanished in one beautiful edge. I want to have a party. I want to kiss you all. I feel euphoric and free and weightless and joyous. I feel 17 again. It's my first kiss, my first sunset, my first steps rolled into one. Is anyone else feeling like this? I don't understand it but it has changed my life. Any Australians out there I pity you, because you will never experience the true euphoria of one who has hit rock bottom discovering that bottom is merely a door to another purer world. I am zen. I am cricket. I am the ball. I am love."



That's piss funny.

You have to hand it to them. They've got a real knack for self deprecating humour.

Clem Snide

Behold, the mighty saviour of English bowling:

You searched for MS Panesar in Test matches away from 2006 to 2007

Inn Overs Mdns Runs Wkts Match Date Match Id
1 24 4 92 5 England v Australia 14 Dec 2006 t1821
2 34 3 145 3 England v Australia 14 Dec 2006 t1821
3 12 1 52 0 England v Australia 26 Dec 2006 t1824
4 19.3 0 90 2 England v Australia 2 Jan 2007

Still, he can always fall back on his "unfairly" maligned batting:
Inn Score Team Score How Out Fielder Bowler Match Date Match Id
1 16* 215 no England v Australia 14 Dec 2006 t1821
2 1 350 b SK Warne England v Australia 14 Dec 2006 t1821
3 4 159 c A Symonds SK Warne England v Australia 26 Dec 2006 t1824
4 14 161 c MJ Clarke B Lee England v Australia 26 Dec 2006 t1824
5 0 291 lbw b SK Warne England v Australia 02 Jan 2007
6 0 147 run out(A Symonds) England v Australia 02 Jan 2007

In short, in the 3 Tests they played together on this tour, and despite the dramatic difference in temperament, Monty's figures with both bat and ball look remarkably similar to the much maligned Harmison's.

Scott Wickstein

I know you have signed the pledge, Tony, but I'm having enough celebatory drinks for the both of us.

I might be a bit ill tomorrow. Not as ill as the Australian XI will be though.


Slightly OT: T Romo fumbles the field goal attempt and with it Cowboys victory with a minute and half to go. Seahawks live to play another day.


Having just emerged from the euphoria of the damned so eloquently expressed by the Guardian reader, I would like to defend Monty. I don't think he once got to bowl on a fourth or fifth day wicket; and the only time we got a decent score to allow really attacking fields he wasn't even playing.

Allied to this is the fact that the English attack was, in the main, dreadful. Mahmood the Generous and Harmy the Wayward were just the poorest of a poor bunch. Forget Anderson - he'll never be a test bowler.

Thank god we've got a semi-cripple back to take over from an injured Fred. Now we're really gonna take off.


I'm wondering if Vaughny would have made much of a difference in the outcome of this series... ok, I'm being patronising I know but I doubt we would have rolled England 5-0, yes thats 5-0, and um.. 5-0 again, I do like the way it rolls off the tongue... Where was I?

Yeah anyway, maybe 4-0 with Vaughny having enough nous or backbone or something to stop Warney from rampaging us to an improbable victory at Adelaide.

Apparently some hit-n-giggle is on today, whatever - I hope they shitcan it the whole idea soon. ODIs are fine but this crap is nothing more than entertainment for the cretins who do not have the attention span to sit through a proper game or even (gasp!) a paltry 100 overs in one day. From what I've seen such cretins also enjoy fine television productions such as Big Brother and Australian Idol.


Don't worry, Woody, I too was dreading having to chase anything substantial in a 4th innings. We coulda/woulda struggled.

Vindi, if they dropped 20/20 anytime soon, I wouldn't care. But they won't. There's cash in them there cows.

PS: What's Romo doing spotting the place kick, anyway?

Clem Snide

I reckon if Monty and Chris Read had been selected from the beginning of the Ashes series, everybody would have blamed the whitewash on the selection of Test rookies instead of proven Ashes-winning talent, and the blogs and other commentariat would have asking "Why oh why weren't Jones and Giles selected from the beginning? What was Duncan Fletcher thinking?". To paraphrase Geoff Whitlam, well may the Barmy Army sing God Save The Queen, because nothing could have saved the English cricket team.

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