RAIN MEN

"It was heavy and relentless." Mark Nicholas on Tony Grieg's commentary*.

* On Saturday night's rain, actually, but why quibble?

Comments

[Tony.T]

Anyone get sick of Tony rabbitting on about the light? We got the point during the first hundred mentions, ya big dick! No need to labour the point.

[Adsy]

Well it looks like we will lose a lot of time to the light, but when you lose something and want it found again.... you know who to ask...

http://radar.smh.com.au/archives/2005/09/hoff_to_the_res.html

[edward]

Seeing as they're only allowed spinners at the moment, it would be good for everyone's sanity if they turned off the stump mike so I don't have to listen to Gilchrist all afternoon.

[Tony.T]

Not to mention saving us from having to listen to Vaughan beg the umps to offer them the light. Embarrassing, that was.

[Nick]

Mark Nicholas is becoming the new Bill Lawry. Sadly, Tony Grieg is the same old Tony Grieg. Richie is beginning to remind me of the sad old broadcaster from an episode of Arli$$ (just in paches though, just in patches).

[boynton]

Not too mention the other great quote of the night, from Richie Benaud:
Keep your eye on Gilchrist's trousers

[Tony.T]

Couldn't see. It was too dark.

[Tony.T]

Mark Nicholas is a git.

[Brett Pee]

IF we don't win this one, perhaps we could look back on WHY the batters came off and lost us valuable time at the crease instead of gutsing it out. Or is that just me ? The weather forecast is better for the 5th day and miracles do happen.

[Tony.T]

You saw what happened when the batsmen faced good bowling in the dark.

Miracles will need to happen.

[flute]

I watch the Telly and listen to the radio commentary, but just like the nasal attraction to a bad fart I can't help but listen to the telly with Greg "Mofo" Matthews spurts out a few cliches from his helmet.

I have utmost respect for Deano, and he's a bloody good commentator on the wireless (as well as being shafted by the ACB), but Matthews I have no time for. He out bollockses Boycott and surshites Grieg and Boycott.

[Tony.T]

Deano was massively annoying as a TV commentator in India last year, I don't think he has the delivery to do good ball-by-ball. But I really enjoy that in the SBS studio he speaks his mind. It's almost as if he's a savvy fan sitting next to you in the stands, explaining lots of the things that go on.

I also appreciate that he's openly parochial. It's a relief to have a commentator admit they are barracking for one side rather than pretending to be a non-partisan pundit whose biases nevertheless seep out to cloud their call.

Mo was excellent as a radio commentator in India in 2001 but on TV can be a right royal hipster fuckwit. His mozzing of the Aussies in Edgbaston was unbearable, too. I think he's good bouncing stuff of Deano, though. So at least (for me, anyway) he's not a total bust. But yes, he can be bloody irritating.

[edward]

Mark Nicholas is master of the hyperbole. He keeps going on about how we've all managed to 'live this summer'. His excessive use of the superlative is starting to render him incomprehensible.

Oh no. Grieg and Slater have just assumed their posts in the commentary box.

[flute]

Well horses for courses ay Tone Loc? I missed mofo's prediction for the day, but he probably said England bowled out for <100, Warne doing the damage. Cockhead.

[flute]

And another thing, MoFo's bollocks on "the spirit of the game" shitfest on England taking the bad light was crap. Grumpy, Tubby or Waugh (fuck it even Punter) would have walked off in the same situation.

[flute]

And one more thing, the Daily Telgraphs back page headline of "Lee and Tait: The new Lillee and Thommo"

Like fuck they are.

[edward]

'Oh boy, Glenn has come to the porty'

Mwaha! Hayden's just dropped one. Still, this looks like being a tense final day after all.

[Tony.T]

I think Marky Mark went to advertising school. Dick.

And MoFo was miles of the pace with the TSOTG shit-fiesta. I don't know a skipper in the history of world cricket who wouldn't have done the same. They would have been derelict in their duty had they stayed out there. Spanky Roebuck has been smoking the same shit as Matthews. Or is that stroking?

The papers down here have been running the Lee/Tait vs DK/Thommo thing also. Fatheads. They have gone mad.

Hayden didn't drop it, Ed. It bounced off of his leg after a deflection from Gilchrist. Gilly dropped it. Again!

[Tony.T]

Why is Pietersen going for quick singles? Has he been hanging out with Dumbien Martyn?

[edward]

Why is Pietersen going for quick singles? Because he's an arse.

Channel 4 are testing us today: Slats and Tony G have just made way for Mark Nicholas and Boycott. Dear God.

[Tony.T]

FFAAAAAAARKKKIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGG CATCHING!!!!!!!!!!!

[Tony.T]

Good grief, Ed! What have we done to Ch 4?!? Why do they hate us soo much?!?

[flute]

Fuck me warney just dropped one.

Australia with 40 overs chasing 250+ is what we want.

Lillee and Thommo were the scariest bowling fuckers ever produced by Australia. Lee is as intimidating as the cookie monster and Tait is like a white Devon Malcolm without the finesse.

On the hubris angle, all this changing of the guard from Australia to england for a decade of domination is bloody stretching it.

[Tony.T]

Your last point is one I've been at pains to point out to the Englanders at work. England will do well to hold on to the Ashes next year. Australia aren't going the way of the Windies and will be far more ready next time around.

Our catching has gone from brilliant to a sad (and very, very, very painful) joke.

[edward]

Pietersen is now whacking sixes all over the shop. Either way, he's going to be out and soon.

[edward]

But first Trescothick has to go. Fuckation.

[flute]

Now I reckon you might be drawing a l-o-n-g bow there. England will love the wickets over here in 15 months time.

One thing I've finally set my mind at rest is Hawkeye. I have faith in science and physics so I've always thought that predicting a ball's path is possible. Utter shit. I think it was the Bell LBW by Warne. It looked like swinging back towards middle stump, hawkeye had it glancing by a hair breadth.

Oh fuck warney has struck. Not far to 133 - a target to bowl at.

[flute]

Anyhow, I was cut short by a wicket there...

Hawkeye - Why can't they calibrate it correctly with highspeed cameras?

[Tony.T]

I've been ranting about Hawkeye for years. It's an utter joke and it's especially insidious when Channel 9 (that's here for Ed) use it to back up their commentators or to try and get theumpy off the hook for a hwoler. But never use it when they might have said something stupid or it is likely to sho something totally at odds with what has happened.

Like the leggy the other day, that was really a wrongun that went the other way.

[Tony.T]

Athers is a good commentator, by the way.

That would have been given out if it was Flintoff bowling. Excuse the bitter whinge.

[flute]

Is it run by one of your students pushing the "googly" or "wrongun" button Tone?

[flute]

Don't come the mofo style umpire whinge tt

[Tony.T]

They don't have high enough qualifications to be allowed to push buttons.

They need an in-service to work a broom.

[flute]

so what's your thoughts at the moment tony? I'm feeling pretty good at the moment (first time in 20 years)

[Tony.T]

England home comfortably. We are not going to run through you quick enough to win. Those drops off of Pietersen were crucial. Of corse the big dumb Yarpie seems to want to run himself out.

[Tony.T]

How come Tony Grieg seems to commentate for, like, ever?!? It's the same at 9. It's a bit like schooldays. The holidays go in the blink of an eye, but the terms last for ever.

[flute]

I'll feel better if we're still batting at 11:10pm

6 wickets are only one bloody good over from all out.

[flute]

Listen to local ABC (774 for you?) much better. Aggers, Rodney Marsh at the moment.

fuck another wicket.

[Tony.T]

Make that 5.

Bowled, Shane.

[Tony.T]

Olde Melbourne proverb: Collingwood never win in September.

[flute]

just last this over till lunch

[Tony.T]

Looks like they are playing ducks and drakes. Some pretty obvious time wasting there.

The Aussies wouldn't do it of course.

[flute]

Bollocks, magic spray at lunch get on with it you tart.

[flute]

but we've got the 133. that's a target.

[Tony.T]

Pietersen is batting like a crab, but fuck his luck is in at the moment.

Lunch.

Lucky I have tomorrow off. I worked very hard today, you see. Very hard.

[flute]

I have rotavirus, but I'm putting in.

[Tony.T]

Look there, Flutasaurus. Your hero Mo is on now.

[Tony.T]

Rotavirus? Is that a gag? Sounds like what you get on amusement park rides.

[flute]

Just missed him. But wow it's time to find out what's happening in Bhutan.

[flute]

Google it, it means the shits with a twist. Nasty stuff.

[Scott Wickstein]

I gotta work tomorrow. So i should go to bed now.

I just don't have faith anymore; even if we bowl them out we'll never get the runs.

[edward]

This is the great thing about having been seriously ill this summer: I can put all this cricket watching down to 'necessary recuperation'. Also, as a student, it's not as if I need an excuse anyway.

[Tony.T]

Yow. Grim shit. Excuse the pun. Actually, don't; I meant it.

ro·ta·vi·rus

Any of a group of wheel-shaped RNA viruses of the family Reoviridae, including the human gastroenteritis viruses that cause infant diarrhea. Also called gastroenteritis virus type B.

Even the explanation look vile.

[flute]

My smallest was in hospital for 3 days earlier this week. "Make sure you wash your hands", said the nurse. Laugh, did I.

[Tony.T]

I'm with you, Wicky. The history is dire (sorry Flutey) and there's no way we will chase down a total over 100.

Yeah. What precisesly IS the matter there, Ed? You blog about it, but I have this genetic malfunction that doesn't allow me to understand medical talk.

Are you getting better? I see you had a diagnosis that wasn't a diagnosis. Hope it turns out ok for you.

[Tony.T]

Now you are chuckling. Hmmm, I can't seem to stop punning. I myself will consult a physician tomorrow.

You should have touched wood, I guess. You mozzed yourself.

[edward]

'Grim Shit' - damn, that would have made an excellent post title. I may yet steal it, if I relapse.

I'm supposedly better now (my small intestine was bleeding), and my blood count is rising. To celebrate, I went drinking for 14 hours on Saturday. My body is a temple, etc.

[Tony.T]

Good show. Alcohol with milk is the ticket. Baileys, advokaat, irish whiskey.

Dr Tony prescribes.

[Tony.T]

A concerned spectator?

[flute]

Having a look at the stats (always shite but it is cricket), Australia's lowest scoring innings is 190. Other than that it's 218, then too much to talk about.

On a rush through the Excelometer:

E(RunRate) A (RR) Crunch point for E to get to
2 4 46 overs left, 189 runs
2 5 40 overs left, 201 runs
2.5 4 48 overs left, 198 runs
2.5 5 43 overs left, 210 runs
3 4 50 overs left, 205 runs
3 5 44 overs left, 223 runs

This may be bollocks.

[Tony.T]

Bollocks?!? Never! The Excelometer is fruit of the loom technology. Or state of the art. Or something sharp, anyway.

If it turns out to be a one-dayer, though, I might plonk my milking cows on Australia.

[flute]

if the tabs came out it would have all lined up n evryfink

[Tony.T]

Hey, Flutey, I reckon Deano has rotaryvirus, too. He sounds awful.

[flute]

back on the radio old chap.

[flute]

I guess the excelometer is saying if England get to 200, you're buggered

[flute]

and I just know i'm going to hear that that 8 run lead will be cricial more than once

[Tony.T]

There's nothing commentators like more than droning on about one specific thing. So I reckon you are on the money.

[flute]

i'll keep a watch on the radio hacks, you do the the tellt.

that 8 run 1st innings lead could prove to be crucial - or variants

[Tony.T]

Yep. 8 runs crucial. No doubt.

Meanwhile Hack Pietersen has made 50. What a shambles dropping that scrubber twice.

8 runs.

[flute]

oops its 6 runs isn't it?

that shows why mofo is on telly and i'm not. not in cricket anyway.

[flute]

and as a side bet (for the loss of a soul) surely someone will get seriously injured by falling off a roof.

6!

[flute]

Fumble!

[Tony.T]

Someone on the steep tile roof, no doubt. Sucking cans up there is asking for trouble.

Pietersen is still a scrubber mind you.

6 runs.

[flute]

Sunday Times: "England's first ashes win in nearly 20 years was marred by the tragic death of Darren McBogan who slipped from the roof........"

[Tony.T]

That's three drops and a close run out. Pietersen doesn't ask much from the Gods, does he? Does he fuck!

[flute]

35 minutes to go before I get happy

[Tony.T]

I'm already calling it. Game over!

[flute]

McBogan's mother said "it's what he would have wanted. To die while doing the thing he loved"
"Watching cricket?"
"Nah, getting pissed 'n' nicking slate 'n' pissing from a height"

[Tony.T]

Jesus, those kids are perched!

It wasn't even a fucking no ball! Fucking Bowden. And fucking Boycott when it was a no ball, he laughed.

[Tony.T]

Fuck! You just know when you are getting spanked by a flukey fucking park tonker like Pietersen you are doomed!

[flute]

so ,my prediction is 11:10pm still batting or 200 lead which ever comes LATER. you're screwed.

[flute]

give tait a bowl yer bastards

[Tony.T]

They wouldn't dare.

[flute]

ang on there's stilo 68 overs left! bollocks

[flute]

65

[Tony.T]

Nup. Can't agree. The pitch is ok, the edge is off the ball, and England have plenty enough.

The crowd are even singing GSTQ. Bloody soccer 'ooligans!

[flute]

Still not convinced. Two quick wickets and the tail is exposed.

[Tony.T]

I sincerely hope Pietersen plays a stupid shot, England get rolled and Aust get the runs.

But it won't happen.

[flute]

I've had too many years of claiming false hopes to get all jumpy. It is not inconceivable tnat it will all go pear shaped.

[Tony.T]

Well, he just got away with the stupid shot. England home. And. Hosed.

[flute]

steady steady

[edward]

I'm back from lunch, and given Pietersen's tonking, I'd imagine that 6 run first innings lead might be the deciding factor here today.

[flute]

Beaten the pros there mate

[flute]

11:10pm. first target

[Tony.T]

Agreed. 6 crucial runs.

Beaten the pros?

[flute]

nice to see benaud get a good send off

[Tony.T]

The Doyen.

Leaving things to Tony, Bill and Chappelli. Good times ahead.

[flute]

listen to 774 cockhead. its all gold mate.

[Tony.T]

GREAT mozzing by Athers. "I have a feeling that attack after lunch knocked the stuffing out of Aust."

Out.

Marky Mark "The stuffing is back in."

Top work, Athers.

[Tony.T]

You talked me into it.

So, where is San Burgoine?