After Grog Blog

FING ATTACK

The following story was reported this morning on SEN news:

Country netballer suspended for Hopoate-style incident

A COUNTRY netballer has been suspended after allegations she stuck her finger up an opponents skirt in a Hopoate-style incident.

And was followed directly by this, verbatim, opening to the next item:

"Cracks have started to appear (in the Coalition's climate policy)."

THE HUMAN LIGHTWEIGHT

If Derryn Hinch was the hard core Demon supporter he claimed to once be, there is no way in the known world he would have mistaken Jim Stynes running over the mark in the 1987 preliminary final at Waverley, with Jim Stynes running over the mark in the 1987 preliminary final at the MCG:

Banishing my Demons

Was back at the MCG with Ron Walker the day Jim Stynes ran across the mark and incurred the 15-yard penalty from which Buckenara scored and we missed out on the grand final.

Niggled? Didn't check?

HumanHeadline Derryn Hinch

@Jesse_Hogan Correct. Niggled me when writing. Didn't check. I remember Pat Cash abused me for no reason.

What real Melbourne fan needs to check that?

BARE-FACED LIVE

When I first read the following article I thought "pushed back 10 minutes" meant the Seven telecast would be delayed by ten minutes, which is not exactly live, and which would have been a monumental piece of skullduggery. But then I realised it meant the games themselves were to be pushed back 10 minutes, which apparently is a piece of skullduggery - at least according to Caro:

AFL's $1bn rights deal

FRIDAY night football would be televised live every week for the first time and pay TV operator Foxtel would get to show finals live under a landmark $1 billion deal being negotiated between the big networks and the AFL.

As the deal moves towards its ambitious $1 billion price tag, it has emerged that Seven is close to a compromise with the league to make all Friday night telecasts live - in return for match starting times being pushed back 10 minutes.

In what could prove to be a controversial change among fans who attend matches - particularly families with young children - Friday games would be shifted from their current 7.40pm start to 7.50pm.

Andy Dollars & his three amigos will have done a sensational job if they manage to get the TV networks to go live as well as cough up the famous billion dollars.

Still, the ink is not yet dry. It remains to be seen whether Friday Night Footy is absolutely live as opposed to almost live. There's always The Delay. The TV stations will not want to lose listeners to the radio broadcasts, so a little time-shift tweaking is likely to happen as the TV network tries to scramble the radio & picture feeds. If you don't want to listen to the ads, you can always investigate the effectiveness of a delay-o-tron or IQ it.

DR. RICHARDSON, I PRESUME

If you saw the highlights of last night's Richmond -v- St Kilda match you would have seen Jack Riewoldt smack his head into the deck, get up with jelly legs, be assisted from the field, shamble down the race to see the doctors for a concussion test, then re-emerge to crack the shits at the Tiger medical staff for not letting him return to play.

Whether Jack's tantrum was warranted is worthy of debate. Should he have carried on like a pork chop? Should he have sucked it up and accepted the medical verdict? How bad was his concussion? Could he have continued to play without impairment? How much residual damage is he likely to incur, if any? Was he in fact fine and cracking the shits with a clear head as he thought the medical staff were over-reacting? Was he totally addled to the point where he was oblivious to his dummy-spit? All fair questions which could have been debated on the 3AW pre-match when they discussed last night's match. Instead Matty Richardson jumped in with an alacrity that suggests he may have been previously worded up by the Tigers. I paraphrase:

"Jack's reaction was understandable in the circumstances, since emotional and angry responses are classic symptoms of concussion."

This was followed by a blithe acceptance from the other members of the AW footy panel and the debate ended right there. Richo, Riewoldt's friend and former team-mate, had neatly shut down the discussion via a statement of fact.

Now, I am no doctor, so following Dr. Richo's diagnosis I sought a second opinion from my local internet. Signs and symptoms of a concussion may include:

• Headache or a feeling of pressure in the head
• Temporary loss of consciousness
• Confusion or feeling as if in a fog
• Amnesia surrounding the traumatic event
• Dizziness or "seeing stars"
• Ringing in the ears
• Nausea or vomiting
• Slurred speech
• Fatigue

That list was from the Mayo Clinic and several other sites failed to list "emotional and angry responses" as classic symptoms of concussion.

That is not to reject Richo's medical expertise. One site listed irritability as a symptom, while Wikipedia mentions "crankiness" and "displays of emotion that are inappropriate to the situation."

But at least one question came immediately to mind: how often have you seen players blowing up after copping a concussion?

NON SOQUITUR

A caller to SEN explains why Casey - and by extension, Melbourne - should recruit Brendan Fevola:

"You've got to walk the walk so you can talk the talk so the proof is in the pudding."

BEND IT LIKE BURQAM

"The Australian bid delivered big time."

~~ Mark Arbib, SEN

CALAMITY JONE

Yet another in a long line of callers to radio stations who wait patiently on line - some not so patiently; but that's another post - to reveal their cherished memories... only to get it wrong:

Caller: "One of the great calamities in sport was when Justin Madden kicked the post."

KB: "That was Percy Jones."

Caller: "Oh."

Guess the bloke was confusing Justin Madden the footballer with Justin Madden the former Victorian ALP minister for Calamities.

AWKWORD

Nothing ventured, nothing ungained when you use words that mean what they don't mean:

"Shane Neaves was ungangly."

~~ Stoney, SEN, VFL grand final.

Picture a cross between a giraffe and a giraffe.

PARDON THE FUCK UP

Sunday night, lying awake flipping around the radio, I landed on the 927 Sport overnight wrap. Don't know who the announcer was. Let's call him Got The Job Done, since that was what he repeated over and over again. "Chelsea got the job done against West Ham 3-1." "The Dragons got the job done against Manly 28-0." "Melbourne got the job done against Brisbane 3-0". Anyway, Got changed to Get when he moved on to next weekend in the NRL:

"The Canberra Raiders will play the rampaging Roosters, pardon the pun."

Pardon what pun?

WATER TAUTURE

How's that again?

"Pakistan has been inundated by floods."

~~ 774ABC newsreader

Flooded by inundates, too.

SLIT OF THE TONGUE

Last Saturday night Stephen Fry told a story about Diana Dors, whose original name was Diana Fluck. At a function in her home town of Swindon the MC was terrified he would bungle her name and commit an embarrassing faux pas. He called her Diana Clunt.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Tony Shaw during the 3AW pre-game:

"North have a good list of youngsters. I particularly like Ben Cuntington. Cuntington will be a fine player. See! I told you I would say it right."

Astonishingly, Tony was completely unaware he had it back to front. He eventually realised his mistake and apologized, sort of, but not before a volley of jibes and sniggers from the other commentators gave it extra publicity. Any listener who had missed the original was left in no doubt as to the nature of Tony's howler. It was up to Caroline Wilson to tell the commentary box to stop behaving like children, shut up, and get on with it.

SILLY IS AS STUPID SAYS

"In the words of Captain Mainwaring from Dad's Army: 'You silly boy'."

~~ Dermott Brereton, SEN, Crunch Time

BREAD SHTICK

"Bone, someone needs to tap them on the head with a crusty."

~~ The Rowie & Bone Show, 5AA, Adelaide v. Richmond

ASHES TO SLASHES

"Freo are about to put a knife in the coffin."

~~ Matty Granland nails the hammer, SEN, Dockers v. Loins

THE BACK DOOR

Will The Back Page have Jon Anderson on the panel next week for a good squirm? Were he a player the show would open with Gibbo dudgeon - "What the hell were you doing?" - followed by a professional apology, but would soon ease off to a series of jokes (possibly involving Billy Birmingham's Hedrovefastcarz).

Ando's a solid citizen, though, so I can't imagine he would swallow a PR pill:

Sports writer Jon Anderson to be charged with drink driving

HERALD Sun sports journalist Jon Anderson will be charged with drink driving and careless driving after smashing into a pizza shop.

Anderson, 53, was arrested by police after the incident at Domino's Pizza in High St, Malvern, about 7.30pm on Wednesday.

Police say the car, a Holden hatchback, was being manoeuvred in a carpark at the rear of the store when it accelerated through a roller door.

NUFF ZED

Rod Quinn: Which 1969 film has the shortest title of any Oscar winner? I will tell you this: the film has just one letter in the title, and it's from very, very late in the alphabet.

Nuff: What does it start with?

BRINGING UP AUDREY

Rod Quinn: Who won four "best actress" Oscars between the 1930s and the 1980s?

Caller 1: Audrey Hepburn.

Rod: Noooo. So close.

Caller 2: Naaaaaaa. Dunno, mate.

Rod: Audrey Hepburn is not far off.

Caller 3: Audrey Someone?

Rod: Have you ever actually seen a film?

SOMEBODY STEP ON A SCHMUCK?

A caller to SEN recites his favourite line from Caddyshack:

"Fart! Double fart!"

How the hell can it be his favourite line when it doesn't even exist?

MIRTH DEFECT

This morning on 3AW, Tony Shaw was accidentally funny:

"There were even some batts that contained thalidomide, the chemical responsible for birth defects."

Thalidomide?

Imported insulation batts 'reeked of formaldehyde'

The Federal Government's insulation program is facing more questions after claims that it was warned some imported insulation batts reeked of the toxic chemical formaldehyde.

Even taking into account AW's imbo demographic, since when is Tony Shaw anyone's idea of a social commentator?

CAN YOU HEAR THE DUMBS, FERNANDO?

Each morning at 6.30, radio station 927 Sport has a Who am I? quiz. This morning's hosts were Michael Christian and Mick McGuane:

"I was runner up to Roger Federer in the 2007 Australian Open."

Caller 1: "Marat Safin?"

"No. In 2009, I lost to the eventual winner, Raf Nadal, in the fourth round."

Caller 2: "Novak Djokovic?"

"No. Here's a clue." They play Fernando, by ABBA.

Caller 3: "No idea."

"Well, here's another clue." They play a long grab from Speedy Gonzalez which includes Speedy saying his name: "I'm Speedy Gonzalez, the fastest mouse in allll Meh-Hee-Ko."

Caller 4: "No, sorry."

"I am from Chile."

Caller 5: "I know!!! Gomez!"

"Gomez?!?"

Caller 6: "Fernando Gonzalez."

PAVED PARADISE, PUT UP A TOYTOWN

Another blunder. This one from last night's Midnight Challenge:

Tones: "Which female Canadian singer/songwriter released albums called Ladies in the Canyon, Blue and Court & Spark?"

Caller: "Ummm. I don't know, Tony."

[A bit of back-n-forth, prompting, hints, nudge, nudge.]

Caller: "Joni Mitchell?"

Tones: "That's right."

Caller: "I've always loved her. Especially that song Little Yellow Taxi."

MOI MOI UPRISING

Tom Elliott asks for 3AW listeners to call in with their favourite sporting names:

"Without a doubt the best sporting name is Fuifui Maumau."

Have you ever heard anyone, anywhere, call Moimoi, Maumau?

I tells ya. This business where callers ring in with their favourite/best/worst/funniest, only to get them wrong, is becoming a plague. Talk-back radio has always been full of nincompoops, but what makes someone hang on the line, for anytime up to an hour, so they can share with the world something they clearly have no idea about?

SCARCELY MANY?

More or less:

"Bart Cummings, a man of many few words."

~~ Tony Schibeci, SEN

UMM AND UMMER

From the Green Guide, on Tony Delroy's midnight Challenge trivia shenanigans:

Cheating, Delroy says, has "become an issue" with the growth of the internet. "You'll know nine times out of ten in they're Googling because they'll be floundering and then all of a sudden they come up with the answer straight out of left field. When that happens, I'll quietly get rid of them."

Fortunately, it's not a big problem.

Not sure about that. Just last night Tones asked who directed Raging Bull, only for the caller to umm-umm-brainstrust it before bumbling "Martin, ummm, Sorcers?" TD passed it without a pause. Stand-in host Rod Quinn would have come straight out and said "No Googling; you're out." Rod's feisty. Tones, HTFU.

Tones recently had a lash at the cheats, calling them pathetic and sad for scumming to win no more than a book or a DVD. But there are a lot of low-rent dead-shits out there, so the issue won't go away soon.

CLOWN MEMORY LANE

Talk-back callers' cherished personal memories. It's a stone certainty that as soon as the punters start reminiscing, their so-called cherished memories will be wrong.

Last week SEN callers were asked to nominate their favourite Cox Plate moments.

• The first bloke lovingly recalled the 1982 Cox Plate "when Roy Higgin's said 'Kingston Town can't win.'" It did. Roy Higgins didn't. It was Bill Collins.

• The next caller "will always remember when Taj Rossi won in 1971". 1973.

• Only caught the end of this one today. A bloke had called in to set Mark Doran straight about a match in which Mark Jackson and Tony Lockett played together: "I remember it well. Plugger kicked two goals from tight angles. Straight as a die." This moved Doran to consult his local internet: "Funny how time distorts. Jacko didn't actually play, and Plugger only kicked one goal."

I've got this theory. Talkback callers never actually see or hear their favourite moments; instead, they regurgitate someone else's favourite memory, or re-tell a story they were told. Just as there are usual suspects, there are also usual subjects.

Either way, it would improve talk-back radio immeasurably if they did away with talk-back callers.

DISCHARGE YOUR GLASSES

You've heard the congratulatory phrase "Give it up for So-and-So". So, here's a variation:

"Can I just say, you gotta give your hands off."

~~ Mark Stone, SEN, Port Melbourne v Box Hill

The work experience team of Mark Stone, Tony Schibeci and Mark Franklin won't be winning any footy media awards. But you never know, it's not as if there is great depth of talent covering our footy.

Seven's Friday night team of McAveney, Cometti, Buckley & Matthews has been terrific since they ironed out the kinks last year. Pity about The Delay. And their Sunday afternoon call has always been a fun filled affair.

ABC radio pulled me away from 3AW and SEN and ended the season as my preferred broadcast. Even with Howdy Doody Drew's 1970s stylings.

MMM is footy for teenage boys.

Ten aims about ten years higher: footy for 20-something boys.

Meanwhile, at Foxtel:

3AW Football gonged at AFMA awards

Gerard Healy: Best Special Commentator – Television

Dwayne Russell: Best Football Caller – Television

Dwayne is a hipster smartarse. You'd think that after saying "It doesn't get any better than that" for the 100th time he'd twig to the inherent flaw in the the previous 99 instances. Chuck in "the paint" which is unfortunately catching on, and "gives it some sky" which is close to the most aggravating phrase I've heard in sport, especially the way Dwayne scrapes it across your ears, and you have one irritating commentator.

Dwayne must have picked up votes by comparison. I mean, while Healy is passable despite style over substance concerns, the commentary of Danny Frawley and Glen Jakovich is completely dreadful. It doesn't get any worse than that.

Richard Hinds:

Lessons in the footy ratings

MAYBE it was during a particularly frenetic moment in a game when a football caller's scream could be heard above a passing 747, yet it was impossible for the listener to discern what was happening outside the commentary box.

BELINDA NEIL?

Was Neil Mitchell doing a Belinda Neal?

"Do you know who I am?"

Judge for yourselves: audio here.

There's the wry, almost harumpfy laugh after "what station?", and 3AW played the audio relentlessly over the weekend.

Howard still tops for salesman Sylvia

COLIN Sylvia might not have heard of top-rating radio station 3AW nor recognise the 2007 change of Federal Governments but he can sure sell a membership.

Dean Bailey was disappointed Sylvia's good work had been overshadowed by an apparent gaffe about who was the current Prime Minister made during a call to one lapsed member, 3AW radio presenter Neil Mitchell.

Mitchell relayed his conversation with Sylvia on air last week.

Sylvia had contacted Mitchell during the Melbourne membership drive because he had not renewed.

The Demon asked the high profile Melbourne-based radio personality what he did for a living, as he had not heard of him or 3AW.

Mitchell told Sylvia he worked on radio and that he could tune in the following morning, as he was interviewing the Prime Minister. Sylvia replied: 'So how is John Howard?'

WORTH THE WEIGHT

"Stick fat through thick and thin."

~~ Nathan Buckley, 3AW

Bucks' sage advice was to a Richmond caller who said she would not go to another Richmond match until Terry Wallace was gone.

... BUT I TRANSGRESS

"I have no doubt the AFL will punish those who digress."

~~ Mick McGuane, 927 Sport

Adrian Anderson just called. Henceforth, and from here on in going forward, there will be a mandatory six weeks suspension for players who take the indirect route to goal.

"The direct route to goal is sacrosanct."

THE KING OF TAUTS

Tautologies that is... the essence of quintessence:

"He's the epitome of the personification of the way Geelong play."

~~ Nathan Buckley on Joel Selwood, Friday Night Football