CONDIMENTAL CRUELTY

[Enter shop]

~~ Yes, please?

~~ Two cheese and pickle sandwiches please.

[Fetches bread]

~~ That cheese, ham, tomato?

~~ No. Cheese and pickle.

~~ Pickle?

~~ You know, the yellow stuff?

~~ No know.

~~ No know pickle? It's almost as common as Vegemite.

~~ Ahh, you want Vegemite.

~~ No, pickles.

~~ Sorry, we no have.

~~ That's alright. Thanks anyway.

[Exit shop]

[Enter shop]

~~ Yes, please.

~~ Two cheese and pickle sandwiches please.

~~ Cheese and paper?

~~ No, cheese and pickle.

~~ Pickle. You know, the yellow stuff?

~~ Ahh, pickle.

[Fetches bread]

~~ Sorry, we have run out of bread. Only rolls.

~~ That's alright. Thanks anyway.

[Exit shop hungry]

Comments

[m0nty]

You're in a right pickle, guv.

[Tony Tea]

Will have to resort to my last resort - the school canteen.

[TimT]

Fetch bread from one store and rolls from the other and you could have had perfectly serviceable roll sandwiches.

I was in a lolly store in Olinda a few months ago and asked for sherbert. Kid behind the counter looked puzzled. She'd never heard of it.

[Matt]

Every once in a while (say once every two or three months) I order a roast beef and pickle sandwich from the local bakery. Every time I get a deep sigh followed by the sandwich-hand stomping off to fetch the 2 litre caterer's-size jar of sweet mustard pickles from the back fridge. This has been been going on for at least three years now - it looks like they are still on the same jar ...

[M. Patard]

Pickle is green, not yellow. Green with envy. That's where you threw them off. They were probably admiring your pants.

And thanks for finally posting. I was beginning to think I had finally broken you and your blog.

How's life with bubs going? Yes. I know. No need to respond.

Here's one to rock her to sleepless nights with. Just wish someone had recommended this to me, instead of a diet of Neil Young. There should be studies into the long term affects of Rust Never Sleeps.

[Simon]

As much as we've been overrun by ignorant kiddies and non-pickle eating ethnics - I can't recall ever in my 40 plus years going into a sandwich shop and seeing a cheese and pickle sandwich on the board.

[Professor Rosseforp]

Simon: traditional sandwich boards would have the basics, e.g. salad sandwich, cheese sandwich, salmon sandwich, devon sandwich*.
Then a list of extras: tomatoes, pineapple, gherkins, extra for rolls, mayonnaise*.
I can't definitely say pickles were there, but that's where I'd be looking, had I been a pickle eater.
* traditional spelling errors omitted, e.g. cheesh, gurken, salat, or my all-time favourite "hambuggers"

[Tony Tea]

These two shops are Asian bakeries, which made the "no bread left" seem pretty daft; especially at 12:30 in the mid day.

For the record. These were your yellow spread-type pickles in Matt's big tub, not your green pickles you find on the ceiling at Maccas, or what we call gherkins. Nor are they green gherkin spread, or brown chutney.

I would expect most places to have pickles, gherkin spread and chutney, since they are all pretty common condiments on sarnies.

Nor would I expect them to appear on the board, which mainly list the different meats and salad vegies.

PS: Our fave Veet Nameese restaurant lists "diches".

[holier-than-thou]

Dear Tony T(ea),

You have a small appendage.

Sincerely,

holier-than-thou

[SWPL Translater]

"Our fave Veet Nameese restaurant lists "diches"."

SWPL Translation rates this:

Tries to be cool by pretending to be "hard core" nonchalantly race disaffected, with emphasis on a strident Ozzie colloquial expression for Vietnamese, to underplay his overt nonchalance to race.

Overall effect: Too hard. Too concerned to be unconcerned. SWPL rating an impressive 9.5/10

[The Unforgiven]

Tony T is too old to be a SWPL, though his breeding habits may say otherwise, lolz.

[SWPL Translator]

The "PS" exudes a 0.5 factor of pure SWPL, lifting the overall rating.

Notes for SWPL superiority satisfaction:

An excellent example of Anglophiliac styled disengagement with a heartfelt subject matter. To demonstrate superiority the subject is ambiguously engaged, demonstrating dissatisfaction overall without stating it forthrightly. Note the following usage:

"no bread left" scare quotes, indication of irony with oblique racial reference which only an inductee will understand. Plus factor = demonstrated superiority without stating the fact baldly.

"in the mid day" = colloquially expressed "midday", yet the subject exaggerates the expression. SWPL plus factor 100%. Aboveness metric 9.9.

"These were your yellow spread-type pickles in Matt's big tub, not your green pickles you find on the ceiling at Maccas," = Superlative use of condescension whilst appealing to commonality. Note the enticement to familiarity - "Matt's big tub" - sundered with rejection of contemporary lower status eating values; "Maccas". A superlative example of SWPL status seeking, exemplified in language usage. The subject appeals to be one of us, yet, still, remains above and beyond. Much like the ceiling stuck pickles he appeals to symbolically expression his highere status and simultaneous rejection by the hoi polloi.

SWPL rating = masterful.

[SWPL Translator]

"sarnies" = 0.5 reduction for obvious appeal to lingoism and thus too familiar by far. Superiority points deducted.

Overall a valuable lesson for all aspiring students in Melbournian Snark in the face of cultural death. Though snark will not ultimately defeat any foe, in lieu of an immediate threat the usage thereof puts the enabler in a position of moral superiority* by equivocating on the direct subject, throwing concerned cousins to the wolves, and demonstrating aloofness to real world concerns.

* key word in overall SWPL rating

[SWPL Translator]

The next demonstration of SWPL Self Satisfaction (ed. redundant) will be at a time to be aligned with overall smugness factor. Depending on feel good attitude combined with disdain gradient, divided by cubed units of transcendence, the subject may, or may not, reply.

No matter what position, it is safe to say that the permeability of subject to introspection aligned with reflection has a negligibility rating closing to perfectness, in full concordance with the subjects self esteem rating.

Co-related factors: news of the Royals, random readings of Horatio Nelson's deck orations, status ranking of IQ in accordance with self rating, neoconservative post readings adulating Jews combined with wreckage of own nation, checking of pulse with any mention of failures of co-ethnics, all of which twittered at moments of felt fallibility (ed. denied).

SWPL Ranking: 99.94

[Tony Tea]

You forget to hang out your "THE DOCTOR IS IN" sign.

[Professor Rosseforp]

Flashing road sign near our local bulk butchery: "SPECIAL -- LAMB CULLETS".

[Tony Tea]

Lamb Culottes, maybe?

[Big Ramifications]

Perth was such a small small town in the early 70s that there was only a choice of 3 different sandwiches at lunch bars.

Er, that's the feeling I get anyway.

Saw some black and white footage from seven or nine evening news. The price of ham+cheese sangers had gone up from 15c to 20c. Oh noes!!!

And dead-set, it was a SPECIAL REPORT and the news crew was doing a vox pop, asking people what they thought.

Interspersed throughout the street interviews they showed various shop menus and I swear they were all the same. A few basic types of sandwiches, plus the big three: Sausage roll. Pie. Pasty. No shit, that was the entire choice. And I'm talking London Court here. In the middle of the CBD.

Doncha sometimes yearn for simpler times? Has all this foy grass Eurofag food really improved our lives.

[Tony Tea]

I must admit that, as a fairly unadventurous diner, I still eat the same sort of food I ate as a youngster in WA in the 70s. B: weetbix, egg, toast. L: cheese sambos (Oooo, eerrrr, Pat), can of coke. D: fish or lamb with vegies, ice cream.

B: Breakfast.
L: Lunch.
D: Dinner.

Not!

B: Breakfast.
D: Dinner.
T: Tea.

Bloody Romans.

[Tony Tea]

Oh, and ancillary to my point is that I don't have any extravagant cooking adventures. The only new addition would be Tobasco, which I discovered in about 1980.

[Big Ramifications]

Dinar?

[Tony Tea]

Zac.

[Big Ramifications]

Woosh.

[Tony Tea]

Deener, zac, trey.

[Big Ramifications]

I read somewhere that the "d" abbreviation for pence is a vestige of the word "dinari."

To paraphrase Einstein, if you don't find that interesting then you must be dead.

Here's my part in keeping the word "zac" alive, posted here before: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WKY91kK6l3k

[Big Ramifications]

As usual I comment first, and then check.

The d = pence silliness ended in 1971. This would explain why all my memories of it are in black and white.

1 denari was worth 10 asses.

I'll bet my right rock that's where we get the word "assay."

Publish and be damned!

[Tony Tea]

"A DLF MAXIMUM ZAC!"

[Professor Rosseforp]

Tony: "can of coke" in the 1970s? No bottles of passiona? Not sure if Miranda was still around. I remember various ripoffs of coke and pepsi at the time in the eastern states, but the originals were around, too.
Occasionally I oppose the use of the American "can" and use "tin". It's well worth while to confuse shop assistants, who if asked for a tin of orange, will reach for orange juice, not fizzy orange. Requests for a tin of tomato juice will have you sent to the canned vegetable aisle, even if you emphasise the word juice. Not that I'm contrary ....
I can remember complaining about lamb culottes -- sorry cullets -- because we had them so often, and now they are a luxury item that I can't afford.

[Tony Tea]

There's a point. Did I drink "cans" of Coke in the 70s? You know, I can't remember. There were certainly "steel" tins of Coke, which I drank. And glass "750" bottles. Now, though, I most certainly drink cans of Coke because they stay fizzier longer than the PET bottles, which breath and go disgusting flat and sugary. I sometimes have the "classic" bottles, but they cost too much.

[Big Ramifications]

Lamb cutlets were evil, fatty, tough, chores of things to eat when I wuz growing up. Like you, Prof, they were on high rotation. I reckon mum served 'em up once a week on average.

Dunno what the famers and butchers do differently – probably use real lamb, not mutton – but they are a massive improvement from the 1970s 1980s fare.

[Tony Tea]

Lamb used to be a staple around our house, mainly chops. Not now. You need to take out a personal loan to buy lamb.

[Big Ramifications]

Chops. That's it. I knew cutlets didn't sound right. So how have they improved so much? It's not like the price rise isn't somewhat justifiable.

Arnold Schwarzenegger likes plo chops.

[Tony Tea]

I don't know if lamb has improved, but so many more people now eat it. Also, foodie types have increased its profile. Put the two together...

[Professor Rosseforp]

Just realised that the heading for this article should read "Condimental cruetry" -- cruetry being a [made-up]* collective term for cruet dishes, by back-formation with crockery, cutlery etc. Although cutlery is not a set of crumbed cutlets.

* annoying use of un-necessary square brackets as used by Fairfax sports journos, e.g. Cooper said "Morale was [at a] low in the Wallabies [squad]". I have never [personally] heard a person speak with square bracket[s], so I think this is a fancy device to show that journos are inventing it [what they are saying]"

[Tony Tea]

Nothing like a set of square brackets to [manipulate] the tone of an article.

[Yobbo]

Ate lamb chops every day until I was about 13. Of course, I did grow up on a sheep farm.

Not sure what has caused the change in demand for lamb, but I can tell you this:

In the early 90s, farmers were loading their sheep into trucks and gassing them with the exhaust, because they were worth less than the bullets required to shoot them.

2011: Our fat lambs are worth over $130 each. They are so valuable now that my brother goes out late at night and sings Pete Murray songs to them to make sure they have a good sleep.

[Tony Tea]

If you ask me Pete Murray songs are just as effective as exhaust and bullets.

[Professor Rosseforp]

Even Indonesian abattoirs wouldn't be so cruel as to play Pete Murray to live export sheep.

[Tony Tea]

Likey. Tweeted.

[Professor Rosseforp]

Never been twittered before, but quite enjoying the sensation.

[Tony Tea]

Just like sitting above the wheels of a bus.

[Cameron]

See Khawaja out there for the Maroons smashing you Vics around Tony?

Makes up for the Storm stealing every decent league player to come out of QLD for the past decade.

What's that? Oh...

[Tony Tea]

Victoria: THE Rugby League heartland. Cricket heartland, too, since it only needs a handful of Vics to demolish the Bullies XI.