After Grog Blog

PARDON THE PROGRAM

Yesterday Richard Hinds compared the Channel Seven's tennis coverage with the ESPN feed sent back to US:

Seven killing golden goose

In the media room at Melbourne Park you can watch the feed provided by ESPN, which is showing the Australian Open in the US. ESPN's coverage is a nightclub dance floor at midnight, Seven's a morgue.

Given tennis talk does not come cheap, Seven can be forgiven for not boasting the American network's large, loquacious, informative and refreshingly light-hearted stable of commentators - Patrick McEnroe, Darren Cahill, Mary Carillo, Brad Gilbert, Pam Shriver et al. But if what the ESPN line-up has to say is more vastly more engaging, so, too, is the energised production in which it is said.

Where Seven locks its viewers into those matches it can squeeze between news commitments, ESPN makes viewers feel like they are part of the living, breathing, ever-changing tournament experienced by fans at Melbourne Park. They constantly update matches on other courts, use split-screen to show two matches if they are both at crucial stages, have their commentators talk meaningfully to informative graphics and feature the players' full names on the scoreboard, unlike Seven's truncated version that converts Shahar Peer into PEE.

During one Venus Williams match, ESPN commentators conducted an interview with Serena Williams. That meant, for the price of a few inconsequential points, you got to hear the young Williams' insights and a bit of amusing barracking - ''Come on Vee!'' - for her sister. Seven's alternative was a lullaby.

While that makes ESPN sound like an attractive prospect, at least for the tennis, the ESPN we get in Australia is a complete and utter fiasco.

Take the majority of their programs: World's Strongest Man, Pardon The Interruption Australia, Around the Horn, Soccernet Press Pass, Mixed Martial Arts, PRCA Rodeo, Winter X Games, International Poker, ATP Weekly, Jim Rome is Burning, AMA Supercross, European Basketball, PBA Bowling.

Would any sensible human being watch any of those shows?

The two things I watch on ESPN are Monday Night Football, which is on Tuesday morning here, and the NFL replays which are on Tuesday night. I don't get to watch many matches live since I'm at work, so I mostly watch the Tuesday night replays.

Have you seen the WWI documentary footage of soldiers trembling, shaking and hiding under beds at the slightest hint of the phrase "shell shock"? That is how I feel at the prospect of sitting down to watch an ESPN replay.

The Fox Sports NFL replays go for two hours, show the whole match, and only have ads at quarter time, half time and three quarter time. The ESPN package, by comparison, goes for two and a half hours, sometimes three, and contains all the ads as they appear during the live broadcast.

Here's a grab of the Dallas v Philadelphia replay from two weeks ago. The first ad break comes in early in the second half with the time on my clock showing 11:47pm.

Ad break 1:

"Hey, your sister rang me the other day..."

Insurance Line Income Protector Plan

****

"Ohh, that's a great ball. Izco seals it for Catania..."

Serie A Highlights

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"Listen, I want what I want..."

Larry Fitzgerald's ESPN promo

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"Thanks for watching this ESPN program. Due to time constraints we move ahead in action... following these messages.

****

Plays of the Week:

Ohio State - Devier Posey

Red Bull New Year No Limits - Travis Pastrana

New York Jets - Brad Smith

LA Lakers - Kobe Bryant

****

On ESPN this week:

The Aussies kick off the NFL play-offs on Monday as Sav Rocca and the Eagles go toe to toe with Matt McBriar and the Cowboys.

St Mary's take on Santa Clara in college hoops.

Tuesday, hold on tight for National Finals Rodeo.

Ad break 2:

"Ramsay's back with the toughest..."

Hell's Kitchen, USA

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"Emos, vampires, crocs..."

VH1

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"He's fought the big names..."

Sugar Shane versus Berto, Main Event PPV

Ad break 3:

Plays of the Week:

Ohio State - Devier Posey

Red Bull New Year No Limits - Travis Pastrana

New York Jets - Brad Smith

LA Lakers - Kobe Bryant

****

"Sports Centre is back for 2010..."

Jason Bennett, Sports Centre

"Prime Time and in HD. Might want to back off that camera, Louis, don't want to scare the kids."

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On ESPN this week:

The Aussies kick off the NFL play-offs on Monday as Sav Rocca and the Eagles go toe to toe with Matt McBriar and the Cowboys.

St Mary's take on Santa Clara in college hoops.

Tuesday, hold on tight for National Finals Rodeo.

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"This telecast is copyrighted by the NFL for the private use of our audience. Any other use of this telecast or any pictures, descriptions or accounts of the game without the NFL's consent is prohibited."

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"Thanks for watching this ESPN program. Due to time constraints we move ahead in action... following these messages.

****

"I would not classify myself as a hoarder..."

Hoarders

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"Doo, doo, doo, doo..."

Hybrid Camry

Ad break 4:

"ESPN, how can I help you..."

ESPN promo

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"On ESPN in January - NBA, NCAA, La Liga"

ESPN promo

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"Long ago, six nations gathered for a contest..."

Six Nations Rugby

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"Sky News is Australia's first and only 24 hour... "

Sky News

Ad break 5:

"Introducing the all new Toyota Prado..."

Toyota Prado

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"Forget the normal news..."

ESPN Sports Centre

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"Thanks for watching this ESPN program. Due to time constraints we move ahead in action... following these messages.

****

Plays of the Week:

Ohio State - Devier Posey

Red Bull New Year No Limits - Travis Pastrana

New York Jets - Brad Smith

LA Lakers - Kobe Bryant

****

Tonight on ESPN Graphics:

Soccernet Press Pass

Winter X Games Classic

St Mary's v Santa Clara

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"For the latest and most up-to-date TV listings log onto..."

ESPN.com.au

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"Resumen del partido..."

Spanish match summary

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Ad break 6:

"Hi there. It's that time where we delve deeply into..."

Shaka Heslop, Robbie Musto discuss soccer on ESPN Soccernet Presspass

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"Sports Centre is back for 2010..."

Jason Bennett, Sports Centre

"Prime Time and in HD. Might want to back off that camera, Louis, don't want to scare the kids."

****

"I love my mom because..."

Barnardo's Mother of the Year

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"What's revving this month?"

Discovery Turbo Max

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"Introducing the all new Toyota Prado..."

Toyota Prado

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Jugador del partido presentado por Telmex

Spanish game statistics

That last ad finished at 12:23, which means that ESPN managed to squash all those ads, station promos and highlights packages into 36 minutes primarily by cutting out great chunks of the football match. The ad promoting the upcoming Eagles v Dallas match was during its own replay, a whopping 12 hours after the Eagles Dallas match had finished.

Why are ESPN allowed to massacre their telecasts while Fox Sports manages to cover their whole game in two hours?

Yes, I suppose I could video the game during the day and watch it that night fast forwarding through the ads, but if Fox Sports can show an easily digestible, ad-lite replay without moving ahead due to time constraints, why can't stinking ESPN where the only time constraints are their own ads? Get rid of the ads, and especially the repetitive "highlights" packages, and you get rid of the time constraints.

A BREATH OF FRENCH AIR?

Listening to Henri Leconte's commentary the other night I was reminded of the old adage: a change is as good as a change.

Advantage Henri

DESPITE the bagging they have received in some quarters, Strewth reckons the Seven Network commentators at the Australian Open haven't been too bad, if you can ignore their mind-numbingly repetitive habit of spruiking Seven's new programs for 2010. But former French tennis star Henri Leconte took the art of commentary to a new level during the match between his countryman Jo-Wilfried Tsonga and Spaniard Nicolas Almagro on Monday night. Throughout the tight fifth set, Leconte took to shrieking with delight whenever Tsonga won a point, and even allowed himself a "Go, Jo" in the middle of one long rally. It was shamefully biased, totally devoid of any kind of in-depth analysis . . . and easily the most entertaining commentary stint during the tournament.

Allez, Henri.

Is this an exciting new era in commentary beginning?

Anyone who left the television on Channel 7 after the Federer Vs Hewitt will have experienced a breath of fresh air in the form of Henri Leconte’s commentary during the Tsonga Vs Almagro match.

Exciting new era? Allez, Henri? Allez oops, more like.

Why was Henri such a hit with so many people? Callers to SEN were raving about him, and when one bloke - Mark from Mt Eliza - said Henri was shit, he got short shrift followed by a dull put-down about not having a sense of fun.

It's not as if Henri was particularly bad, good, dreadful, excellent - he was just different. Like Agadoo is different, or Pass The Dutchie. You get where I'm coming from?

By comparison with the rest of the Seven tennis coverage he was a refreshing change from the usual commentators.

I mean, John Alexander is also "shamefully biased, totally devoid of any kind of in-depth analysis" but would anyone outside of the Channel Seven publicity department dare to suggest he is a good commentator? He is also boring and pissed off that Jim Courier gets all the good, well, better anyway, lines.

When Tracy Austin announced that "Cougar Town looks good" it conjured up all sorts of weird minds-eye pictures.

And as for Roger Rasheed's expert analysis: "Lleyton's a person who's on heat during a grand slam, and there's not quite the stigma that surrounds Federer that there was at his peak, when he was untouchable. A few more guys have got wings, and Lleyton's just got to find a way to get in his kitchen." Pigeon English.

The fact that viewers loved Henri Leconte's commentary says more about the dreadful nature of the rest of the Seven commentary than it does about Henri's relentlessly frantic "Unbeeeleeeeeeeevable".

Just because a commentator is different doesn't automatically make him good. Far too many cricket fans go on about Mikey Holding's cricket commentary. "He's got such a wonderful accent." Sure, but does he say anything worthwhile? Not when I've been listening. You may as well have Gore Vidal commentate, or James Mason, or David Attenborough. They might not know anything about tennis, but they would sound good talking rubbish. It shouldn't matter that Mason is dead; they can do to his voice what VB have done to John Mellion's voice... now there's an idea.

Eventually Henri's comedy stylings would force you to invoke The Merci Rule. "Different" commentary is like a novelty song: you listen to it once, maybe twice, then after that it's not long before you are banging your head against the wall.

NOT QUITE WRY

Until recently I thought a-wry was pronounced orry.

DIE FANATIKER

QUANGO LOTTO

Nearest the pin: How long before Lynne Kosky gets appointed to the board of a PPP?

MILD STRAWBERRIES

FLATTER TO DECEIVE

Greatest? Surely that should read sincerest:

However, greatest v sincerest is a mere bagatelle. Upon entering your answer you would be scratching your head when you realised that IMITATION, at nine letters, refused to fit. You would then have to wait until the following Saturday to discover that the answer was, contrary to convention, INTIMATION.

DUD SPUD

CØUNTRY MATTERS

The holiday season, and it looks like the work-experience kid compiled the Saturday Snodger:

Hint: the two key players in The Dismissal were John Fraser and Edward Whitlam, and the Australian batsman who scored 155 on debut at the Gabba in 1965 was Kevin Walters.

You should now be well placed to say that the author of Miss Julie and The Ghost Sonata is Johan Strindberg, the famous Swedish Danish author?