After Grog Blog

TONGUE IN SNEAK?

Now, this is just a bit sneaky:

"Possibly the biggest home and away match in the history of the AFL."

Gerard Healy, On The Couch

Really, Healy?

He was, of course, whipping up to within an inch of its frenzy, this week's Gee Long v Saint Kilda match at Jihad.

Such a claim, when taken with a grain of pepper, is bold. I mean, the biggest game since 1897 - depending on whose calendar you use, 112 years for some, 113 years for the AFL who celebrated their 100th anniversary in 1996 - is a big statement, even for a Big Statement.

Today you can put your hard earned magic beans on the fact assorted nuffies are out there passing on Healy's spin: "Didja see On The Couch last night? Dude! Gerard Healy said the match is the biggest home and away match, like, ever!"

The thing is, despite Healy's obvious intention to give the impression it's the biggest game since 1897 - "history" is the giveaway: no one thinks of 1990 as "history", it's simply 19 years ago - were he quizzed he could always don his smug face and say: "Well, actually, the AFL has only been going since 1990, 1997 in its current form, if you want to be pedantic."

So, if anyone asks you to rate this week's match give them the big sell: "It's the biggest home and away match since 1997, as far as I'm aware."

HANNIBAL LECTURE

What's the problem? If I was rich and owned a magazine, I'd also publish my own articles, in modern biz-speak, which draw parallels between myself and the great figures of history... well, maybe I wouldn't:

Steve Forbes Misunderstands Augustus, Caesar and Hannibal

I don’t know where people get the idea our moguls are out of touch. Why, just look at the new feature over at Forbes—Power Ambition Glory, which is lavishly presented as a “Special Report,” replete with a bust of Caesar placed tastefully opposite the mugs of failed presidential monomaniacs Rudy Giuliani and Steve Forbes. On closer inspection, the special report is a cut-and-paste repurposing of excerpts from a book, by Forbes and John Prevas, bearing the same oddly unpunctuated title, and the far wordier but no more grammatical subtitle, “The Stunning Parallels Between Great Leaders of the Ancient World and Today and the Lessons You Can Learn.”

The comments are good, too.

WROTE COUTURE

Ashley Mallett, resplendent in 1972's finest, proves that no self-respecting sportsman-come-writer need strip for a calendar.

EMAIL SHE WROTE?

Did you know that Malcolm Turnbull is related to a puppeteer named Postgate?

Born in Poplar, London, England, Angela Lansbury was the daughter of Belfast-born actress Moyna MacGill and Edgar Lansbury, a politician and prominent businessman, and the granddaughter of the former Labour Party leader George Lansbury. She is the older sister of producer Edgar Lansbury and a cousin of the late English animator and puppeteer Oliver Postgate (another grandchild of George Lansbury). Her cousin, the academic Coral Lansbury, was the mother of Australian federal Opposition Leader Malcolm Turnbull.

AIR JURRAH

BRASSED OFF?

Get the Tijuana.

OUT IN THE BLURBS

See if you can guess what is missing from this real estate blurb:

The Owner's Perspective

Serendipty means unexpected good luck. This best describes finding this house, living in it with our family and making it our home.

We purchased this property mainly because of its close proximity to the beach, quiet street, privacy and the fact that the home is low maintenance, solid, quality and character built. We have made only few improvements to the home including renovating the bathroom, building an outdoor deck and entertaining area and incorporating timber French doors for indoor/outdoor living.

We love the character of the home, its large areas and versatile floor plan. With the 3 bathrooms and the possibility of up to 6 bedrooms it is easy for 'all' the family to come, stay and indulge in the location.

This house is great for sharing BBQ's, dinner parties and celebrations with friends, as it is a fantastic entertaining house with lots of warmth, space, ambience and character. We have celebrated the family Christmas and numerous birthdays here including my daughter's birthday party with about 100 people and pony rides!

The houses' design and layout would suit busy families, young professionals, retired people and would even make the ideal holiday home as it is low maintenance. There is nothing to do, you can just move in and enjoy.

We will miss the unique character and substance of this home as well as the large open fire place on cosy nights.

No? Allow me: "We purchased the place in 2003. After six years we loved the place so much we sub-divided the block and built a double story McMansion right next door, right up to the fence line, right where the pony rides used to be. The new house is grouse. Come visit and you can wander upstairs to peer into your own living room."

WILLY DICKLESS

Can't let Brad Dick hog all the jokes:

Transsexual takes to the footy field

LIKE many young Victorian males, Will loves his footy. He dreams of joining the thousands of men who lace up their boots every weekend and play in amateur competitions. He's just like them in every way but one — he was born female.

BRIAN TOLD ME

"Barry Hall on Staker was the biggest hit in the history of the game."

~~ Brian Taylor, AFL Teams.

Before you let fly.

If, by "biggest hit", BT means "biggest punch in the face shown on television in the AFL/VFL", and not any of the countless "biggest hits" in country and suburban footy, he might be somewhere in the vicinity of large scale biggest hittery.

If he means "biggest hit" as in massive shit-mixer, then he's talking through his moustache. Think back through the history of the caper: the elbows, Stan Magro on Alex Jesaulenko; the swinging arms, Rodney Grinter on Terry Wallace; the shirt fronts, Ray Card on Keith Greig; the iconic misses, Robbie Muir on Dennis Collins; the Lethal Leighs, any of Leigh Matthews' assassinations of various opponents, including his hit on Neville Bruns which attracted police attention. And that's just the VFL/AFL back to the 1970s. The VFL became a blood sport long before then. And doubtless there were numerous "biggest hits" in the SANFL and WAFL.

SHAKE STORM

BELINDA NEIL

Remember this?

BELINDA NEIL?

Was Neil Mitchell doing a Belinda Neal?

"Do you know who I am?"

Well, now read this:

COLIN Sylvia would like to set the record straight on one final matter: he does know who the Prime Minister is.

Sylvia phoned 3AW radio host Neil Mitchell in April as part of a club campaign to re-sign lapsed members, and Mitchell was bemused to find that Sylvia had never heard of him or his station. He recounted their conversation on his program, saying that when he'd told the footballer to tune in and listen his interview with the PM the following day, Sylvia had said: 'So you'll be talking to John Howard?'

Sylvia suggested Mitchell hadn't given him a entirely fair run. "I think he was a bit offended I didn't know who he was," he smiled. "He told me he was having the Prime Minister on, and just off the top of my mind I said: 'Oh, Johnny Howard'. But I corrected myself in about two seconds, I said, 'I mean Kevin Rudd, sorry mate,' and we had a bit of a chuckle and a laugh.

(Emma Quayle, the Sunday Age, as part of this fine article.)

BIG CALL

"Whelan, had his hands full with Dick."

~~ Tim Lane, Channel 10, 3rd quarter, Melbourne v Collingwood

Brad Dick.

BACKFLIP THE BIRD

Preserved here for posterior is Ben Cousins' textbook backflip.

Monday:

It was all in fun

I'VE done enough pre-scripted apologies to last a lifetime. This isn't going to be one of them.

The footage of me raising the finger at the change room camera was filmed an hour and three quarters before the game.

I wasn't angry. I wasn't frustrated. It wasn't a message to the world.

I wasn't smiling, I know that, but it was a form of acting. A bit of fun that some people have taken out of context.

Wednesday:

Cousins apologises

"I met with the club this morning and have accepted their fine," Cousins said.

"I apologised for raising my finger and explained that it was not a gesture I ever thought would go to air.

"I hadn't seen the footage until Monday afternoon and wasn't aware of my facial expression. Once I viewed the footage I realised why the public, the AFL and the Richmond Football Club were offended by my actions."

No word on whether it was a pre-scripted apology.

Elsewhere, the Tiges' assistant coach David King reveals that Cousins needs to concentrate not to make a dick of himself:

"Ben's been great, and this was just a lapse of concentration."

Fair point. Yesterday, I was walking down the street concentrating on not pulling my pants down.

Last word - paraphrased - to the Cousins camp:

"The changing rooms are the inner sanctum and are sacrosanct."

Actually, second last. Greg Baum puts Channel Ten in the frame:

The real villain is Channel Ten

IF BEN Cousins is to hang, at least let it be for a hanging offence. Cousins' gesture in flipping the bird, so-called, to an unmanned television camera in the Subiaco changerooms on Saturday night has gone to all the usual courts: the AFL, his club's leadership group, the media and public opinion.

LA RUDE REMARK

Danny La Rue has sashayed off this mortal coil.

His jokes were often on the edge, but never smutty. 'I went to the Palace,' he would declare, 'and the Queen said: "Kneel." I said: "If I'd known it was that sort of party, I would have come earlier!"

Gotta say: if that's not smutty, then I'm Dick Emery. If Sam Newman had said that on the Footy Show, or groped a mannequin of the queen (a mannequeen), there would have been the odd sternly worded letter to an editor.

It's the way you tell 'em.

KICK THE PUNT

It took David Schwarz another three years to kick his gambling addiction after the horror story below, and doubtless there were many other similar nightmares. But at least he finally did kick it, and more power to him.

A Demon for the punt

VICTORIA Derby day 2002 could have been a defining moment in the life of former AFL star David Schwarz. Unfortunately it wasn't.

Schwarz had just retired after a remarkable 173-game career for Melbourne and was intent on becoming a professional punter.

While many footballers consider Derby day a social occasion, Schwarz was very much caught up in the gambling side of the afternoon.

As he stood in the betting ring and watched Choisir race away to win the L'Oreal Plate he was feeling very content. He had just had $25,000 each-way on Choisir at 5-1.

But his joy was shortlived. Protests by the third and second placegetters were upheld, leaving Schwarz $50,000 out of pocket because, as there were only seven starters, there was no dividend for third place.

OFF-BEAT-UP

While the world's media outlets are busy whipping up the their latest issues do jour, the UK Telegraph is the one great font of perspective:

Top 10 off-beat sports blogs

There are bound to be blogs out there worthy of a mention in this top 10. So if you know of any, do leave a comment. But for now, here goes:

1. After Grog Blog

Fine Australian blog which has amusing section on cricket. A must to dip into when the Ashes is on. Tags itself as "Fruit for the sightscreen."