AAMI SHAAMI

Is there a side with a more dismal record than Melbourne at AAMI? I used to go to Melbourne games in Adelaide, now I don't even bother watching them on telly. The aggravation is such that the occasional score on the radio is about all I can endure.

Speaking of radio:

"There were five or six handballs in that link of chain."

~~ Shane Wakelin, SEN

Still, on the outside chance Melbourne somehow manage to conquer the unalloyed heights of a respectable loss, I always record the game to watch later. In the case of Melbourne vs Port, just the second half because the machine ate the first half of the tape.

(Note to self: get IQ.)

You've almost certainly had a Monday's experts disagreement over an aspect of a match. You: "Jeez, Joe Bloggs was dreadful." Contrary Other: "Really? TV Pundit said Bloggs had a blinder." See what I'm driving at? Punters often cite the commentators as the last word. No idea why. A small percentage of what they say is worthwhile, much of it is the bleedin' obvious, a lot of the rest is complete pants. The last quarter and a bit of the Dees/Power game was a case in point.

"You need to kick the ball to the dangerous space, not the dangerous spot."

Danny Frawley makes a comparison between footy now and footy in the old days. Pretty sure he was trying to say you can no longer bomb it to a contest in the goal square, but surely dangerous is dangerous.

DR: "That's bread and butter for a man of Cameron Bruce's experience."

LP: "A good finisher in Cameron Bruce."

Dwayne Russell and Liam Pickering describe Cameron Bruce's goal-kicking expertise. They must have forgotten Bruce had previously missed a sitter, and also been unaware that not one Melbourne fan would put money on a Bruce shot for goal... sorry, shot on goal.

"And you just see Davey here. Kicked the ball. That's the new rule."

Danny Frawley dissects the replay of an incident in which Melbourne were awarded a free kick down field after Aaron Davey had been decked after getting rid of the ball. Why is this a "new rule" to Danny? Down field frees have been around since at least when he played.

Incidentally, on a 1998 trip to Adelaide to watch Melbourne and Port, we went to Adelaide Oval to watch Norwood and Westies. At half time in the bar watching Adelaide and Geelong on the TV there was a local oaf bouncing around the bar chanting "FAD, Mods" over and over. FAD is checkside speak for "free after disposal".

"He hasn't moved, Dunn."

Danny Frawley pronounces Dunn done after he was dropped by Dom Cassisi. Danny's definition of "has not moved" conflicts starkly with reality's "is lying face-down on the ground but is waving his legs around." (And not in a knocked-out flinchy way, either.)

DR: "Colby, what did he do wrong?"

LC: "What did he do right? I've done plenty of that over the journey, so no questions 'ere."

Dwayne asks boundary rider Leigh Colbert for input after Alipate Carlile fumbled the footy. Colby started off fine: sharp come-back. But if he's going to give it the "no comment" treatment because he fumbled when he was playing he may as well give the caper away. That's assuming his "no questions 'ere" equates to the more likely "no comment 'ere".

"It's a perfect short pass."

Dwayne Russell, anticipating a Port move, waxes rhapsodic about a mongrel short kick that hit Dean Brogan in the shins and almost tripped him up. Should have waited until the ball was kicked.

"That's the new rule. Whether you agree with it or not is another thing. But the umpires are told 'that's the rule, you've got to pay it'."

Danny Frawley should steer clear of the rules. Cam Bruce had been awarded a 50 metre penalty when a Port Player ran over the mark. This rule has been around since Jim Stynes played full back for Ballyboden.

"It's a love-all draw at the moment in this last quarter. Both sides have kicked five goals."

Danny Frawley, again.

Then there was the customary confusion about how a push in the back is not a push in the back if you use your fore-arms. Yes. Danny. Once again he was tangled up in the rules.

The regular inconsistency over "ducked into it" raised its head. When Josh Carr was "just too clever" because he "dropped to his knees" to "milk himself a goal" there was clear approval from the team, but every other instance of ducking was met with disapproval.

Imagine if I'd seen the whole game. Surely it's not this bad every week?

Comments

[Josh]

I am also a bg fan of Melbourne. I am dissappointed with their current performance. Lets hope things look up.

[Big Ramifications]

Superb work on catching all the fluffs, BS, and mixed metaphors, Tony. It's one of those things I watch out for to keep myself amused. It’s been a veritable gold mine lately. Never thought to jot them down, of course. You might consider another link, a la AGB Cricket? ;)

It's probably been going on since Adam was a boy, but the more self important the commentators have become, the funnier [Emperor's New Clothes] it gets. I first started really paying attention thanks to Dennis "Den" Cometti and one particular incident 15 or so years ago.

Long story short. Den always had the Tawny Greig Bill Lawry niggle happening with Don Scott [except it was all one way with Den constantly picking on the hapless Don].

Don [describing a slo mo replay]: "Oh dear, he's clearly hit him with an open fist."
Den [loudly and disdainfully]: AN OPEN FIST???!

[Big Rammer's Mum]

"Long story short"? I can't really tell how or where that could have been abridged, nor was it particularly long. Stones, glass houses, son.

[os]

At least they finally nailed that prick Maxwell.

[Chade]

Since when have the overwhelming majority of commentators in any sport been decent, though? I can only think of Richie Benaud and Martin Tyler (don't listen to ABC radio cricket commentary, though. I'm sure they'd have to be better than the idiots at channel 9 to convey the same picture without pictures).
And: just consider yourself lucky enough to have never heard Alan Shearer commentate on the English Premier League. Completely inane, useless tosh.

[Tony]

Depth is the problem.

You've got 3AW (Vic, WA, SA), SEN (Vic, WA, SA), ABC (Vic, WA, SA), MMM (not sure what they do in SA and WA), Foxtel, Seven, Ten with their interstate affiliates. That's a lot of commentators needed to cover the game.

The reality is there's Commeti, Lane, Bruce, I like Smokey Dawson, daylight and the rest. Eddie is under-rated.

The rest lack a clear voice, crisp diction, the ability to clearly and concisely describe the action, they bring their own biases and petty jealousies, too many are oafs, many are shrill, many over-complicate the game to sound clever/cool/important, worst of all, they barely ever tell me something I can't see in front of me or don't already know.

There are just not enough good commentators to go around.

If you look at Foxtel's team last Sunday - Russell, Pickering (who I like), Colbert, Frawley - all are former players. They desperately need professional commentators or journalists (I don't count Russell as one) to balance the team, but with all the players coming out of the game looking for gigs the professionally trained commentators are being squeezed out by player's mates when, instead, there should be a boom market for the budding Commetis and Lanes.

Howard Cosell called it "the jockocracy" and he was spot on in his contempt for it.

[Adam 1.0]

I have always liked Quartermain. Don't mind Hudson either, but he's been confined to the back blocks of history now.

Also don't mind Brian Taylor's nutbag delivery on the radio, but he's even better on the TV when he drops it about 50% but still finds time for a couple of novelty comments.

I was an early champion of Commetti in the late 90's when he rarely did anything other than the Perth games and got no respect, but his gags are so forced now that it's hard to watch without cringing. At least you can rely on him for dated 80's wrestling references - which is a bonus for all us Bam Bam Bigelow fans out there.

[RT]

Glen Jakovich and Luke Darcy are two who set my teeth on edge. They add nothing to a footy broadcast. At all.

Like the cricket, they should experiment with the option of simply crowd noise. That worked for me in the SA tests, even with 10 people in the crowd.

And I like it when they turn down the umpire mike volume. Hearing those high pitched jockeys issuing instructions or telling players the obvious is grating. Just replay it up when there is something controversial, like that Shaw incident.

"A good finisher in Cameron Bruce." I beg to differ.

[Big Ramifications]

Luke Darcy told me that the olden days method of drop punts is safer than that new fangled way of doing checkside kicks when confronted with an open goal. Good gravy. I'd rather not bore you with his *ahem* reasoning.

Totally agree on Jako, too. He's a lunkhead.

Within 10 freaken seconds of tuning in to the Doggies vs. Beagles game another top shelf lunkhead, Adrian Barich, was telling us all how a certain player had done really well and half back. He had "made a fist of it," no less.

Jesus H. tapdancing Christ in a sidecar. Made my day it did. That, and the sold win by The Toasters.

[Big Ramifications]

"...done really well AT half back." Sorry.

[Big Ramifications]

"...SOLID win by The Toasters." FFS.

[Soups]

Big Rammer avoid Channel 7 and therefore no Barich (and probably no Basil) and watch it somewhere on Foxtel live. Or even better go to the game and experience it live in person. It wasn't sold out...One of the Eagles best games for a long while!