"There was a fish and chip paper in it."
~~ Gordon Tallis
That was Gordy on Foxtel's Monday Night Post Game show. He was describing a close shave no-try awarded to the Raiders' Colin Best.
You know something? I like the NRL talk shows on Foxtel. I'm not sure why, it's not as if I'm a massive League fan, nor do I get any great insights. And yet there it is. Maybe it's because I haven't had a chance to get sick of them like I have with the AFL shows. I've only really watched league since I've had Foxtel so each new show is capable of telling me something I didn't already know. That's not the case with the AFL shows which have been stale to me since Jesus carved the "pine" at Bethlehem Dome.
Not that they aren't bastions of boof, like the AFL shows. It's just that they seem to be a different variety of boof. League blokes are your more old fashioned fathead, while the Aussie Rules blokes are more smart-arse and smug. Perhaps I've just been craving traditional values.
Been interesting watching recent editions of Foxtel's Before The Bounce on Friday night. It's hosted by Jason Dunstall, who has a few clues but comes across as a hipster fvckwit completely full of himself. Lately, though, the show has featured Gerard Whately from the ABC. Gerard often comes at footy with a sensible perspective. Three weeks ago Dunstall was moved to crack that Gerard ought to "stop making so much sense or they wouldn't let him back on the show". I think he was being sarcastic.
Foxtel, with David Parkin and Liam Pickering have a couple of good footy heads, but that's just two pundits out of a cast of thousands across Ten, Fox and Seven. Therein lies the problem. Eight games every week are covered with a bare minimum of actual, as opposed to spruiked, experts to throw to. There is far to much dead wood and not anywhere near enough talent.
Channel Nine? Well, both the AFL Footy Show and the NRL Footy Show are unwatchable. The AFL Sunday Footy Show sets aside a sum total of two minutes for attempts at analysis, and the remaining forty minutes for the panel to talk over each other. In fact, the SFS is a dead set embarrassment if you've just watched Offsiders, which is not perfect, but is a far sight better than most. Footy Classified is chock with fake controversy, tricked up issues, void of insight, LCD. Typical Nine. How boring is Glenn Archer?!? Don't tell him I wrote that.
So tone, why don't you make your own footy show. Or, do you just like to whinge (it's ok, it's expected of a Dees supporter)
You could make a podcast at first. Get (even more) net famous 1st, then move to public radio, then move to commercial radio, then move to the telly.
Then you'll rule them all and you'll be able to take over ACA and 2DAY2NITE as well. Maybe even the 7:30 report if you grow some rooly big ears and get pissed at televised functions.
Posted by: girtbysea | 23 April 2008 at 15:10
Since you put it like that: "You could make a podcast at first. Get (even more) net famous 1st, then move to public radio, then move to commercial radio, then move to the telly."
Watch out Kerry Stokes.
Posted by: Tony T | 23 April 2008 at 15:20
What about Moike, Wallsy and Gerard in the living room?
Posted by: Gareth | 23 April 2008 at 15:29
In a word: earnest.
Posted by: Tony T | 23 April 2008 at 15:30
Hmm... Girt you might have something there.
I've been pondering a new thing to dabble in - this could be it.
Posted by: Bruce | 23 April 2008 at 15:34
The Nein Footy Show is good with fast forward functionality. When they do talk about the footy, it's watchable -- Gus Gould knows of what he speaks and a couple of the others can string together an analytical sentence when they want. I'm happy to chuck the "variety" parts.
I second/third the AGB podcast idea!
The best sports talking heads on telly though is when Roy Masters is on Offsiders and sticks it to the AFLites. Ha. Go, Roy.
Posted by: Amanda | 23 April 2008 at 17:04
Actually, I foten (well, once or twice) have compared the Footy Show to Kerry O'Keefe -- the insights are there and they're often worth it but you have to do some serious head smacking to get there.
Posted by: Amanda | 23 April 2008 at 17:06
Interesting to see Billy Brownless on Before The Bounce of late. Even though he comes across as the class clown, he is rather entertaining on that show. And does this mean Channel 9 have flicked him or he's seen the light.
Foxtel also have a good League show on Wednesdays with smooth man host Smith, Garry Freeman who says the first thing that comes into his head but can raise a laugh, Gordie who for a perceived hardman thick head is pretty considered in his opinions and various other blow-ins. Good show when all said and done.
Posted by: RT | 23 April 2008 at 17:43
I happened to watch a bit of Foxtel while staying in Melbourne's most delightful suburb Ferntree Gully just recently.
The David Parkin AFL show was the best AFL show I've seen (informative, passionate and not a wanker in sight) as were the League shows. The League show I've seen before and I'd agree with you - it's one of the best going. They had Ogre O'Meley on and even he started to sound wise in their company.
"The Sunday Roast" with Gus, MG, Vossy and Matty Johns is the best of em all by far. Gus is great when he isn't trying to spruik the game (which is becoming all too often these days).
Unfortunately you fellas don't get Brandy and Gibbsy's radio sports show (radio 2UE 18:00 to 19:30). It is easily the best wrap of all sports you can get and the listener feedback is beyond excellent. It's almost AGB quality.
BTW Amanda, Roy is good (a tad pretentious for mine) but did you know he got punched out by Warren Ryan? The Wok, now there's a man who knows his stuff.
Posted by: pat | 23 April 2008 at 18:10
Ah, Wok. I'm a Newtown Jets and a Newcastle Knights fan so I have some Wok connects. He's a real treat on the ABC. I often think I should listen to the Grandstand league commentary more often but then I remember what I'm paying for Fox.
Posted by: Amanda | 23 April 2008 at 18:45
The trouble with Nine's Rugby Footy Show in Melbourne is that it's on at about half past very late. I agree that there are the odd pearls, but too much of it is pants. Same for our show. Although I can't actually remember our boys ever talking tactics.
KO'K would be a massive commentator if he pulled his head in and talked much, much more about the croquet right there in front of him and less about his barbies with Mick Jagger. I wish he could commentate cricket with Dennis Cometti. IN FACT! Keep him on for the lunch and tea breaks and anytime Karen Tighe ever says "Welcome to Grandstand. We now cross to Simone Firtell at the cheese rolling."
Need a name for the podcasts. Something snappy that says "download me". And I don't mean Naked Pundits.
Roy's so old-timer when he does the AFL/NRL comparisons. Most of us got past that years before Peter Wilkins said "Storm! Win!" the 1999 GF. Gary Jack's son plays for the Swans, for Rab's sake!
By the way, the Yawnion talk shows on Fox are hard going.
PS: Gordy has a big round orb of a noggin. Don't tell him I wrote that.
Posted by: Tony T | 23 April 2008 at 19:56
Gordy's orb is huge!! On the $$ with Arch, a complete tool to say the least. Typically ch9 have jumped early to sign Arch on a contract where he's required to speak (same for Fev), most often early adopters lose!! It is however, only worth watching those whom have no direct tie to the whims of the King Andrew cash cow, who then can pass comment without fear (loss of job, tv rights etc)...Hence those on aunties couch on the odd Sunday am, can have a crack without any concern.
NB. Fev on $80k/year @ Ch9, new private equity owners will see to that!
Posted by: Snr Nubi | 23 April 2008 at 23:25
"Before the Game" on channel 10. Samantha Lane has a fantastic footy brain for a sheila. Peter Helliar is a hoot. That geeky MC fella is a true professional. "I do all the straight stuff. I keep things moving. I am not a comedian so I won't attempt to be a comedian. That’s what the comedians next to me are paid to do." I try hard to dislike Hughesey (something to do with him being on that left wing wankfest "Glasshouse" I think... oh yeah, and his teeth) but the bastard too often makes me smile.
Will it have a shelf life? Probably.
ps: Is Fev the biggest himbo going around, footy panel wise?
Posted by: Big Ramifications | 24 April 2008 at 01:14
Tony, you write it, and get this young Russian linguist to read it. You will be a multimedia god/mogul by proxy.
http://www.youtube.com/user/hotforwords
Posted by: nick | 24 April 2008 at 13:15
*** TONE: PLEASE DO WHAT NICK SAID !!!!!!!
pure gold mine just waiting to happen.
Posted by: girtbysea | 24 April 2008 at 13:34
SN: Interesting you make that crack about footy people being reluctant to criticize the "King Andrew cash cow" for fear of losing accreditation, access, etc. A agree there's something in it, but in a moment of reflection wonder whether or not footy people are so cowed. Patrick Smith, for instance, can really take a lash at the Affle, but also gets some good inside mail, or at least seems to. Some might say his inside mail merely echoes the Affle line, but when he gets stuck in, he really gets stuck in. Mike Sheahan can take a swipe, too, but he doesn't seem to take the same shots as Smith. And Caro at Fairfax is highly critical on matters of footy as socially acceptable environment, etc. What the papers most seem to lack is an ear to what the commissioners are really saying, as opposed to what they are reputed to say. I mean, wouldn't you just love to know for sure exactly what is said at a league meeting?
Biggy Boy: Working beautifully.
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You were joking...
Nick & Girty: Bet she gives great diction.
Posted by: Tony T | 25 April 2008 at 16:07
Hello..could u pls link my blog onto your site as i've done regarding yours...tks a ton..TC
Posted by: sanath | 26 April 2008 at 17:14
Nah, not joking. If you're talking about purely football analysis, then I'd have to say it's very light on. But there's only a certain amount of time I wanna sit with my hand on my cock listening to peeps analyse sport.
A little bit of analysis with lots of piss taking and attempted humour, that’s what floats my boat. Let me repeat, Peter Helliar is a genius. I was saying the same thing when everyone was writing off Bert Newton when he didn't have a TV show. [Age isn't good to comedians - I wouldn't say the same about Bert now. But he's still pretty good for his age. Funnier than Barry Humphries] Sticking up for Bert I was. Doin' it for the Bertster. One for the Moonface. Erm... where was I...?
Ah yes. Guy's with huge stomachs scoring great tries.
Willie Mason = Fev
Posted by: Big Ramifactions | 27 April 2008 at 16:33
Don't watch it much. The Aussie media's hipster dag thing has reached tipping point. I can say that now I'm old and bitter. And Sam Lane's voice threatens my glassware.
Fat men scoring tries, though. That's the essence of humour.
Posted by: Tony T | 27 April 2008 at 17:37
Go Wicksy! My bet $20 on the Knights to win the GF @ $34 is looking safe as. ;-)
I only know Gerard Whately from Offsiders but he strikes as something of a pearl clutcher. Something is always terribly upsetting him, free agents, biff, coaches leaving mid-season. He takes it all so personal. I do not approve of the amount of time (any) they devote to netball.
Off to watch Wicksy again.
Posted by: Amanda | 27 April 2008 at 18:25
Pearl clutcher - that's gold. And that's Gerard.
And that's it from me. Over to you, Karen.
"Thanks, Tony. By the way, they looked like great lamingtons on the webcam... we now cross to Simone at Melbourne's Communications Company Arena."
"Thanks, Karen. Yes, and in a great game of keepings-off here in Swan Street we can tell you that the visiting Northern Mystic Fever Pulses have throbbed the Paint Company Plus Magic Thunder Vixens. What a game! Also - the Vixens have today announced that from next week all men will get in free."
"Ooooooo. Thanks, Simone. Now over to Dan at the firewood gathering."
Posted by: Tony T | 27 April 2008 at 19:54
I just noticed I never said Peter Helliar was a genius so I wasn't really "repeating" that statement. Jeez I'm a fat head.
Posted by: Big Ramifications | 28 April 2008 at 01:21