SECOND TEST: STREAK TALK

1. Preview
2. Day One
3. Day Two
4. Day Three
5. Day Four
6. Day Five
7. Bats and Balls Taken Home
8. Fair Necessities
9. Cross Dressing
10. Three-Fer
11. Monkey Magic
12. Benefit of the Stoush
13. Text!
14. Balance of Tirade
15. Smack Flip
16. Born out of Fredlock
17. Tit for Tandoori
18. Done for Descent
19. Reffing Useless!
20. Inconvenient Struth
21. The Plastic Spanky
22. Time Bandit
23. Smack Flip with Half Piking
24. Fossil Fools
25. Four-Fer
26. Another Fvcker
27. Cash for Nomment
28. Selling it like it is
29. Streetfighting Man
30. Hard But Fair Suck
31. Spank You Very Little
32. All Sook Up
33. Offence Post
34. Moses Exposes
35. Lemon Pledge
36. Who Cares Whits

******

PREVIEW #

One Test at a time:

We won't be caught with our pants down

THERE is increasing talk about this Test team equalling the record of 16 consecutive victories we set under Steve Waugh, but none of it is coming from our dressing room.

That's the way I want it to remain when we fly into Sydney today to start preparing for the second Test against India.

I haven't had to talk to the guys yet about staying focused as we approach this significant milestone. It depends how much it is spoken about in the next couple of days. If I hear little whispers around the dressing room I will have to address the matter.

It's fun to take the piss, but it's good news Ponting wants to put the screws to the players. It's also good news the players aren't getting ahead of themselves; according to Ponting, anyway. Although Punter's claim that he hasn't "had to talk to the guys yet about staying focused" is fluid if you accept that some of the players might read newspapers; even The Australian.

Keeping focus is a challenge for any sports-person or sporting team on a roll, whether it be Steve Redgrave or the New England Patriots. The same goes for cricket.

I haven't done an official tally - nor do I plan to given that I'd rather shoot from the lip than have my hunches dispelled by cold hard fact - but if you count up the number of times "Straya" and something like "getting ahead of themselves" has been mentioned at the AGB, the final figure would be well in excess of 30:

Steve Waugh predicts Aussie dominance

STEVE Waugh last night declared Ricky Ponting's new band of Invincibles could win as many as 30 straight Tests if they maintain their blistering form.

"There is no reason why they can't," Waugh said. "The way they are playing at the moment, they are dominating. They are winning matches by big margins, but cricket is a funny game.

"We thought we were going to win 17 in a row in Kolkata (in 2001) and it didn't happen."

Is that a concession Straya got ahead of itself back in 2001? Maybe, maybe not. One thing's for sure, if Straya weren't so assiduously chasing the streak back then in Calcutta, they probably wouldn't have lost that Test. They certainly wouldn't have batted like they did on the fifth day. And if they weren't looking for "a quick kill" to get an extra day's rest, then they might not have enforced a follow on that went spectacularly wrong. The same sort of overzealous cricket occurred when Straya lost to England at the MCG in 1998 when they went for the win on day four, rather than have to come back to coup the grace on day five.

The dilemma of how to deal with a streak is best described by that noted cricket pundit, Danny the Psycho, in Withnail & I: "If you're hanging on to a rising balloon, you're presented with a difficult decision: let go before it's too late, or hold on and keep getting higher. Posing the question, how long can you keep a grip on the rope?"

Going into the Calcutta Test, on the back of a big win at Mumbai, Straya would have fully expected to win again; especially after enforcing the follow on. Then, when things went wrong, they still continued to play for a win.

Could they have done otherwise? It would have been difficult to change tempo from all-out attack to match saving defence; especially when a draw would mean the end of the roll.

Yet, despite his experience back then, Steve Waugh is making with the Big Statements: "Straya could win 30 in a row." After Adelaide we play Tests in the West Indies, India and maybe Pakistan. Is it really possible we'd win all those Tests? Is it even possible we'll win all the Tests here, this summer? You'd have to conclude 30 is unlikely.

THOSE WHO IGNORE HISTORY ARE DOOMED TO IGNORE IT.

Tim Lane's assertion that Straya needs to win more Tests overseas tends to fly in the face of recent history.

I don't know where Tim's been for the last few years, but lately we've won everywhere except England in 2005; and that was a fluke at odds with the four Ashes victories in Ye Olde Dart prior to that. The last time we played in India we won, too.

(On reflection, that second comment could be the work of a subby letting the gist get the better of him.)

Is Waugh's BS representative of overconfidence or arrogance? No. Most likely it's a combination of goal-setting and what Nathan Forrest called "keeping up the scare."

But whatever it is, at least Tugger acknowledges things can go wrong: "When you least expect it, cricket comes back and bites you."

THAT is the real challenge for Straya going to Sydney: to guard against the one that bites you. If they can. Sure, Straya blitzed in Melbourne, but the Indians are nowhere near as bad as their First Test form; and as Calcutta proved in 2001, things can change. A great deed, a mistake or just dumb luck can turn a match on its head, whether it be via the toss, a bowling spell, a dud decision, a dropped catch, the weather, a blinding innings, sending the other side in on a road.

AGB BIG BASH POP QUIZ

Name the teenag... errr, commentator:

1. The 'Backs must consolidate here.
2. Bowlers need to hit the strings.
3. Kentucky Fried Cosgrove.
4. They are amped here, the Blues tonight.
5. New Year's Eve and a few bubbles. Gotta be done, folks.
6. Good burgle.

So, how does all that look for Sydney? Well, Straya are going in with the same side, while India must make changes.

India need to have lash at the Strayan bowling, like England did back at... gulp, Edgbaston. There is no way they can open with Dravid. Bringing in Verandah Slog would be a risk, but even if he got a quick 30 they would be better off; better still if Dravid is able to hold the middle order together. But if you bring in Slog, who do you drop? Wasim Jaffer recently made a double ton so he would be stiff to miss, but he's shown rock all here. It's a pity for India they haven't been able to further develop Gautam Gambhir and Dinesh Karthik because I reckon they both go alright. That means Yuvy Shwing is the most likely to go. He has the potential to cut loose, nor did he bat any better or worse than some of his co-leagues, but his attitude and atrocious fielding must have him in the selectors' sights.

As for the bowling, neither side was likely to change their attack too much until Zack Khan was rushed to hospital last night. India have put Irfan Pathan on standby and seem to have resisted the temptation to rush either Munaf Patel or Instant Karma into the side. That said, RP Singh didn't really provide much of an edge in Melbourne and if you had a better righty, you'd play him. Then again, given Sydney is said to be a bit tasty, maybe they'll drop Harby for a quick, even though he has Ponting's number.

FUCK NUT LOOSE BUSTARDS

LOL.

Whichever way the two sides line up, though, if India continue their slow batting and fail to improve their fielding and running between wickets - in short: their professionalism - and if Straya keep their balance right between attack and defence, between confidence and overconfidence, and manage to keep the clamps on India's batting... well, fingers crossed they won't let the streak throw them out of stride.

******

DAY ONE #

Great work by Roy and The Tongue, but...

Symonds admits umpire saved him when on 30

AUSTRALIAN batting saviour Andrew Symonds admitted last night what 22 players and millions of viewers already knew - he should have been out for 30.

Symonds' heroic knock of 137 not out rescued Australia from serious trouble in the second Test in Sydney against a resurgent India, but not without a controversial helping hand from umpire Steve Bucknor.

"I was very lucky. I was out when I was 30 and given not out," Symonds said after Australia ended the day at 7-376.

Is there any point me adding to all the stuff written in today's papers? Yeah, why not. On the up side, Straya got away with two, which was good; on the downside, Straya got dudded on one, which was bad. (Ponting getting shitty when he was "not" out was badderer. If you're going to accept a good call, you've got to accept a bad one. It won't be a miscarriage of justice if he gets fined like Yuvy Shwing SHOULD have been in Melbourne.) But all the speculation, carping and finger pointing borders on the ridiculous unless the umpires are given the same chance to assess decisions as the rest of us looking at the television. Until that time we're stuck with the status quo and Roy's genial acceptance.

"That's cricket though. I could sit here and tell you about some bad decisions as well. That's the game. It's one of those things."

Whether he'd be so sanguine were he on the wrong end of a howler is debatable, but in essence he's right.

Not that I'm philosophically against the further use of technology, just practically. I don't see how its introduction for LBW, caught-behinds and bat-pads wouldn't be every bit as contentious as the replay coverage of low catches. Not every time, mind, just enough times to encourage significant conjecture about the decision making process.

According to John Pierik in today's Herald Sun "Channel Nine's 'snickometer' confirmed the edge, and gave viewers the correct call." That should maybe read "Channel Nine's Snickometer 'confirmed' the edge, and gave viewers the 'correct' call." It's all about the punctuation, because there is no way Snicko would be conclusive enough time to 'confirm' a 'correct' edge every time.

The same for Hawkeye. TV adjudication worked out OK when they trialled its use to assist with LBWs during the 2005 super test, but they only went to Hawkeye after the decision had been made.

The fluidity of it's application would be an issue, too. How often? When? Where? How long would it take? If over rates are slow now, how much slower would they be with endless referrals "upstairs"?

And believe it or not, Tony Grieg is right now talking sense on the matter.

By the way, yesterday's was a great day's cricket.

******

DAY TWO #

What is it about Wee Wee Luckshmun and the SCG? He is a pretty good batsman around the orb, albeit one with more than the occasional kink in his career, and then he comes to Sydney and looks a million bucks. Is he the reason India don't want to water the outfield? I mean, if you have a touch player, who drives and glides the majority of his runs, wouldn't you want a pool table outfield. Couple that with a belter pitch and you're laughing tea cakes.

Still, Wee Wee wouldn't have got to 100 if Gilly had his sh1t together. After performances like yesterday, he's running the risk of being compared with The Grates: Party Patel, Geraint Jones and the down-and-going (as opposed to up-and-coming) Matt Prior. Lucky Wee Wee didn't make 200 or you'd be comparing Gilly to Courtney Browne who once dropped a sitter off Steve Waugh, or the bloke who dropped Brian Lara when Lara made 500.

Gilly is at an awkward stage of his career. Apparently he wants to go to England in 2009, but is that feasible? Well, if he scores big in the near future, and doesn't drop any more sitters (don't bank on it) he'll hold his place. But at 36 going on 38 by 2009 he isn't getting any younger, or more importantly, better.

The selectors need to ask themselves whether Gilly will be better in 2009 than, say, Brad Haddin? That's unlikely, both for batting and keeping. Gilly's career path is on the way down, while Braddin's is on the way up. Have those career trajectories crossed yet? I suggest they have. They certainly will have by 2009.

There is nothing worse - apart from lots of other bad things in the world: drought, flood, bushfire, Silverchair - than sports people hanging on too long. Does Gilly want to hang on too long? Will the selectors allow him to hang on too long? He has a few credits in the bank, although he cashed a few in yesterday, but not that many that the selectors can afford to have him clogging up the chain of succession. At some point soon they will have to make the big call: "Mate, we need to have a chat."

Unless Gilly the famous walker, walks.

Yesterday's other big issue was also the day before yesterday's other big issue: umpires and technology. The day after yesterday's papers are full of it.

Andrew Stevenson in the Age:

TV, or not TV: that is the question

ON TUESDAY, having scored more than 100 runs after a clanging umpiring error from Steve Bucknor, Andrew Symonds called for the human element to be retained in cricket, saying he didn't want to see every decision referred to a TV umpire.

Jake Niall in the Age:

It's time to set alight a technological revolution

MAYBE the non-dismissal of Andrew Symonds is the spark that will light the technological revolution in umpiring. One can only hope so.

Jon Pierik in the Herald Sun:

India lodge formal complaint against Steve Bucknor

ANGRY Indian cricket board officials last night demanded action be taken against umpire Steve Bucknor after a series of poor decisions in the second Test at the SCG.

Iain Payten in the Herald Sun:

Neutral umpires to stay

CRICKETS lawmakers are set to stick with neutral umpires and will only consider bringing in technological assistance if it is foolproof.

Malcolm Conn in The Strayan:

Dissension is catching after Procter's gaffe

A HORRIBLE day by officials yesterday began before a ball was bowled to begin the second Test at the Sydney Cricket Ground.

Befuddled match referee Mike Procter made the staggering admission at a pre-match breakfast in front of 480 guests that he had made the wrong decision by not finding India batsman Yuvraj Singh guilty of dissent during last week's first Test in Melbourne.

It doesn't take a weatherman to see which way the ICC blows. Mal Speed's been in Proctor's ear telling him he set a "terrible precedent" - Jeez, Conn's laying it on with a trowel - and that he better fess up to his stupid decision not to ping Yuvy Shwing for dissent in Melbourne or else he will not be able to ping any future malefactors.

The confession's a get-out.

At the very least, expect Ponting and Instant Karma to be mentioned in diss-patches.

Speaking of weathermen; is the weather going to stop the streak? If it doesn't, then the SCG pitch probably will. Currently Centrebet are offering Straya 2.45 the win, India 15.00 the win and 1.67 for a... sorry, the draw.

Top Test, but.

******

DAY THREE #

While the first two days were particularly rivetting cricket, I can't agree with Carrot, day three was a drag. From my hopelessly biased perspective, anyway. Sure, Tendulkar made a carefully constructed ton, which was nice. The professionals can happily pen their TLM Master Class articles; and the people at the ground can say "I saw Tendulkar make a ton at the SCG" just like I can say "I saw NZ make 180 in a day at the WACA". But it was hardly a knock for the ages, and the rest of the batting was dreary, although I missed Ganguly's knock. Not that I want to see The Raj do well.

Gilly was in the lamelight again, dropping another one he should have caught. Optimistic would describe Andrew Stevenson's comment in the Age: "After an off day on Thursday, in which he grassed two regulation chances and missed a third almost impossible effort, Gilchrist rediscovered the form that has made him Australia's most prolific keeper, safely squaring away three." But the rest of the fielding was fine. The fielding positions were another thing, allowing far too many runs. What Ponting was able to achieve on the MCG on a slower deck with a slower and larger outfield, he wasn't able to replicate on the SCG, which meant India comfortably made 300 in the day. Johnston bowled too many overs of wide balls and half volleys, while Hogg and Roy didn't bowl enough. Obviously Ponting didn't want to risk Hogg against Tendulkar and Roy is apparently injured, but the Strayan attack lacked variety. Thankfully Brett Lee was able to take a five-for.

The upshot was a 69 run Indian lead on the first innings. Who leads after both sides have batted once is always an interesting scenario. If Straya led by, say, 10 runs you would be significantly more comfortable than if they trailed by 10 runs. It's only 20 runs difference, but it's an uneasy feeling when you trail on the first innings. Upon batting again, every time you look at the scoreboard you have to take runs off, rather than add runs. It nags.

What day three did do, though, is set up an interesting day four. Of course, by interesting I mean, I hope this doesn't go arse up. The optimistic narrative has it that Straya, on a pitch that has allowed a mountain of runs, should be able to knock up a reasonable day five target to try and maintain the streak. The negative narrative, the one most common hereabouts, has Kumble and Harby running through the Strayan line-up and setting India a comfortable fourth innings chase.

Finally, we've got a real game on out hands

(John Coomber, Herald Sun)

Ever since that day 12 months ago when Shane Warne and Glenn McGrath took their final bows at the SCG we've been waiting to see what would happen when Australia was put under serious challenge.

We are about to find out.

The exuberance of the Indians as they played their warm-down game of soccer in front of the MA Noble Stand after stumps last night showed how much they fancy their chances of knocking over the world champions on their own turf.

With a 56-run lead and a pitch likely to suit the twin spin attack of Harbhajan Singh and Anil Kumble, the Indians will go at the Australian throats on the fourth day.

Their objective is to get a couple of early wickets and put Australia under the sort of pressure they have been largely unaccustomed to in their decade and a half of dominance.

Next for India comes the need to bowl Australia out again before they can get too far in front. Chasing more than 200 in the fourth innings has always been tricky on this ground.

The wicket has lost some of its demons in recent years, but so too has the Australian atack. In days gone by everyone in the home team would have felt reassured by the presence of Warne and McGrath.

Brad Hogg and Mitchell Johnston are very different beasts indeed.

Elsewhere on-field, Harby was cited for sledging Sideshow. Judging by Roy's reaction and Harby's subsequent contrition, Harby DID say something nasty. It was allegedly racist, according to today's blabs, but they don't say what was said. Tendulkar talked in circles, which doesn't usually bode well for the defence, but unless the umpire heard what was said or the stump mikes picked it up there is rock all chance of Harby being found guilty. And he'll probably say he was mis-heard, anyway.

Off-field, Mal Speed cleared the way for Ponting and Instant Karma to be fined. To paraphrase: "Inconsistency? What inconsistency? I disagree with Idiot Proctor's finding in Melbourne. Dissent is dissent in any language and what happened to Yuvy Shwing is no precedent." Mind you, Speed said he had not viewed either incident. It's amazing how often sporting officials "haven't seen" contentious issues.

******

DAY FOUR #

There should be a law against tense Test cricket. There is no way watching eight hours of what went on yesterday can be good for you.

And, as if the cricket wasn't tense enough, every single time I returned from a bout of channel flipping, there was an ad. Every. Single. Bloody. Time. This meant that I had to endure the pain of dreading another ad, or another, which meant there might have been wicket. It could have meant a drinks break, too, or a rain delay, but the Warne family don't emit No Wicket signals to put you at ease.

Yesterday was similar in intensity to days three and four in Adelaide last summer as the Strayans almost reeled in England's 551; alternately striving to attain, regain or maintain an advantage, but where a wicket at any stage would change the balance of the match. Thanks be to The Gilo.

JON IS CERTAIN

Glad Jon Pierik is not an umpire:

Umpire gaffes hurt as India tries to push for victory

Symonds lunged forward as he did not pick Kumble's wrong 'un and should have been given out lbw by Bucknor, despite Hawk-eye suggesting otherwise.

"Hawk-eye has been on the booze," former Australian captain Bill Lawry roared. "That's as close as you will get for a hat-trick ball."

And Bill didn't roar. He laughed.

In the end Straya made it to stumps 4/282, which sounds tidy, but which we all know is really 4/213 and far from safe. There is still a very real possibility India can run through our last six to give themselves a chance at a softish target. Not that you'd get that from the commentators who spent most of the day speculating on declarations. What, isn't the game itself painful enough without encouraging more pain through a generous closure?

With any luck Straya will just put their heads down and bat sensibly for as long as they can. Fv^k the streak. I hope it, or the commentators, aren't able to goad Ponting and the Strayan batsmen into foolhardy acts of bravado - that's what the Indians want - because the longer the streak goes, the more chance there is of it distorting the priorities of the game at hand.

Bat sensibly, get out of range, then think about a declaration, bat some more.

"Harbhajan was like a monkey that escaped its cage."

~~ Fox Sport News

What the hell is it with the experts? Are they being sensationalist, deliberately provocative, or are they just plain thick? On the one hand they want to clean up the game via an officially mandated variety of sledges; for instance, players are permitted to call a batsman a "crab" but they are bang out of line if they call him a "monkey". On the other hand they want to keep what's said on the field on the field. The two cannot exist side-by-side. You either encourage players and officials to report breaches, or you don't and pay lip service to any code of conduct. And for f**k sake stop going on about Pandora's bloody box!

Naturally, I'm using "monkey" as a topical example. Harby probably did say something rank, but there's no proof, just his word against Roy's, because it's turned out neither the umpires nor the stump microphones heard the exchange, so case closed. That's not to say Harby and Roy mightn't get in trouble for arguing. Harby should get suspended for his ridiculous celebration, too.

******

DAY FIVE #

Let's get the formalities out of the way first: the Indians copped it from the umpires. Had all decisions through the course of the match been correctly judged, then the match would have taken a very different course. India might well have won. Mind you, the match might well have been a draw; Straya might well still have won; personally, I'm 100% convinced it would have been a tie.

A rough list of the roughies looks roughly like this:

• Ponting, caught behind
• Ponting, not LBW
• Symonds, caught behind
• Symonds, stumped
• Symonds, stumped
• Laxman, LBW
• Tendulkar, LBW
• Hussey, caught behind
• Symonds, LBW
• Dravid, not caught behind
• RP, not LBW

I included "RP, not LBW", even though I thought it was out, because of what happened to Symonds first ball in the second innings; either they were both out, or both not out. I excluded "Ganguly, caught Clarke" because I have no doubt he was out, despite what the cameras didn't show. And anyway, the teams had a pre-series agreement to accept the fielder's word. It's fair to say, too, that Symonds being judged MotM shows the match officials have a wicked sense of humour.

So, numerically at least, India got the rough end of the pineapple.

(Any chance Kerry O'Keefe will stop intentionally ballsing up Aussie sayings so as to make himself and Harsha Boggle laugh? It was borderline funny about three seasons ago, K, but fair suck of the source material.)

In short: the umpiring was disgraceful and, although I'm loathe to quote Mad Spanky, left a sour taste in the mouth.

But the way the Indian press, Indian players, Indian retinue and Indian fans are carrying on, you'd think Straya had invented bad umpiring and aggressive appealing specifically to dud India in this series.

Umpires EVERYWHERE have been making howlers for years. Doubtless gladiators copped the odd bad call in the Colosseum. "But he missed him!" Strayans have certainly copped bad calls in India. And fielding teams EVERYWHERE have been appealling for EVERYTHING for years. Kumble appeals for MORE than everything.

The big difference between now and the days before now is that EVERYONE EVERYWHERE can see almost EVERYTHING - except for the umpires, who only get to see events once in real time. Until the umpires can see what we see, any argument is just noise. According to Mal Speed the ICC have a working party in place to investigate the application of technical assistance, but until anything is actually implemented you won't hear any complaints out of me. Until WE get dudded, that is. Like we were in the 2005 Ashes. Now THAT was a disgrace.

HOLY ROLLER

The Oracle has spoken:

Chappelli: "The other thing I remember about heavy rollers... Les Favell, who was captain of South Australia, that I played under, and he always used to reckon that the heavy roller gave you about half an hour, flattened the pitch out for about half an hour. He felt, and he was an opening batsman... he always said 'Don't judge,' - this'd be in this situation where you're in the field - he'd always say 'Don't judge the pitch on the first half an hour. If it's not doing anything, don't panic, because something could start to happen after the half an hour.' In other words, after the effect of the roller had worn off."

Dick: "That's... spot on."

Apart from the umpiring, India lacked urgency and their performance from the end of day three onwards was rubbish. With a lead of 69 they had to keep the pressure on, but at the drop of a hat-trick, they fell back into a defensive mind-set. There is no way Straya should have been allowed to comfortably cruise to 7/401 in their second innings. Their fields on the morning of day five were complete rubbish. Where did they come up with such crap tactics?

Not that the Strayans were perfect. Their own fields were pretty ropey when India were getting late runs in the first innings; we always seem to struggle with tail-enders and, as Russ wrote, batsman out of touch. And speaking of batsmen out of touch, why are the Strayans so keen to get Dravid back into form? Their catching of him in particular, and the rest in general, was pox. My brother reckons Gilly will pull the pin after Adelaide. He could be right. Not that I particularly want to see Gilly call it quits, it's just that the time could be right for him to... ahem, walk.

The declaration was also questioned. I like the fact Ponting batted India out of the game because India are the sort of side that's likely to squibb it they can't get on a roll. Roll, geddit? Sure, the Dravid decision helped, but like I said, Ganguly was out and most of the rest crumbled. Whichever way the declaration turned out, and I'm glad it turned out good, at least Ponting didn't let the streak talk him into doing anything cavalier.

Nor was our bowling exemplary. Lee was great and Clark better than steady, but that it fell to Roy and Clarke to clean up India says a lot about Hogg and Johnston. If Hogg lacks an edge on day five in Sinney, how will he go in Perth? And although Johnston has some good stuff, he had little luck and was erratic. It will be interesting to see the make-up Straya take into the Perth Test. Does Hogg get wickets in Perth? Or do you take in four quicks and give Roy and Clarke the spinning duties? Or do you keep Hogg and just swap Larry Tait for Johnston? I'd love to see a four man pace mugging, but more often than not, a spinner is needed for variety late in a match.

The batting was so-so. Hungry might need to pull his head in, Clarke probably won't have another shocker like he did in Sydney, Gilly is Gilly, and Ponting will be happy if (yes, if) Harbhajan is out. But Reverend Flatty, Cricket, Roy and the tail were good for a swag of runs.

HEY HEY WE'RE THE...

The other big issue is Harbhajan's suspension. I was surprised he got found guilty given neither the stump microphones nor the umpires heard the exchange. And yet Mike Proctor pinged Harby three matches because he "was 'satisfied beyond a reasonable doubt that Harbhajan Singh directed that word at Andrew Symonds and also that he meant it to offend on the basis of Symonds' race or ethnic origin." Proctor should have pinged him for his monkey-roll celebration. Either way, I tip an appeal.

[Afterthought: Hot on the heels of Mal Speed tuning Mike Proctor for being a goose in Melbourne, Harbhajan picked the wrong day to not give up sledging.]

Talkback radio and web sites are full of the "monkey's not racist" line. The people spouting this bullsh1t are either stupid or dead set liars. EVERYONE (don't bin me for using big letters, it's my version of super-slo-mo, high-res footage) knows "monkey" is racist. Soccer fans in the UK used to chant it and wave blow-up bananas at black players, rednecks in the US call black people "porch monkeys" and "get back into the trees, you monkey" is old as Kilimanjaro. And apart from anything, how come it's never directed at the white players? How come it's only directed at Symonds? It's not because he has a punchline in a KFC ad. If anyone has the f**k-faced audacity to say to you the monkey sledge amounts to nothing, punch them in the mouth for me. Not that I'm inciting violenc... wait a tick, yes I am. Carry on.

******

BATS BALLS TAKEN HOME #

Will India quit the series? That's what's just been reported on the rayjo wahless. Surely - surely! - the ICC, whatever you think of them, are not going to let India get away with such a monumental dummy spit.

******

DONKEY BUSINESS #

I don't think there's much I can add to what's already been harangued, but it would be wrong of me to ignore Spanky making in ass of himself:

Arrogant Ponting must be fired

RICKY PONTING must be sacked as captain of the Australian cricket team. If Cricket Australia cares a fig for the tattered reputation of our national team in our national sport, it will not for a moment longer tolerate the sort of arrogant and abrasive conduct seen from the captain and his senior players over the past few days. Beyond comparison it was the ugliest performance put up by an Australian side for 20 years. The only surprising part of it is that the Indians have not packed their bags and gone home. There is no justice for them in this country, nor any manners.

The most galling thing about Spanky's load of Roebuck is that judging by the number of "hate Straya" callers to the 'lectric rayjo wahless this morning, he's got a supportive readership. It was one of those times I wished I could reach in and stuff the callers' phones down their throats. The number of callers who maintained the "monkey's not racist" lie was staggering. There was even one sh1t-eating smugster who thought he was being clever by stating quite definitively "Monkeys are not a race!" as if he were dispelling the combined great arguments of history. What a c0ck! His name was Terry, by the way.

******

Tim Dunlop:

Australia v. India

On paper the 2nd Test at the SCG between India and Australia was a great game.  Two excellent teams with some brilliant individuals efforts, and the game only decided in the last ten minutes after what looked like a riskily delayed declaration by the home team, and with a part-time bowler taking the last three wickets in what turned out to be the final over of the day.  Breathtaking stuff.

Tim Blair:

ARROGANT AND ABRASIVE

The Indian cricket team yesterday threatened to suspend its tour of Australia following a sequence of disputed decisions by neutral umpires, the charging (and three-match ban) of Indian spinner Harbhajan Singh over abuse of an Australian player, Indian demands that West Indian umpire Steve Bucknor not stand in the next Test and a senior Indian player smearing Australia as "a team that cheats and lies quite blatantly".

Helen at Catallaxy:

So, will Cricket self-destruct?

I decided to take the scenic route from Edinburgh to Oxford, which meant two days offline. During my absence, it emerged that cricket is in danger of imploding after the fall-out from Australia's victory over India in the second test.

Harry Clarke:

Indian cricket - what a sad bunch of losers

Peter Roebuck's call for Ricky Ponting to be sacked as captain of the Australian cricket team should be treated with contempt.

Excuse the crosslinking. It might look like the rankest self promotion... well, actually, it is, but there's still plenty of good stuff to read at the blogs that linked here.

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FAIR NECESSITIES #

Pinched from a Catallaxy comment by the always excellent Geoff Honnor, here is an interesting post on what it's like to be an African living in India.

The stain that just won't wash

Like many other students from Africa, John Patrick Ojwando chose to come to India, to Mysore, for higher education as it was cheaper here than in Europe or the US. Ojwando is from Kenya, which has a large Indian population, and so he thought India wouldn't seem too foreign. But it was only when he arrived here that he realised just how much of an outsider Indians could make him feel, and that Indians in India were in fact plainly racist.

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CROSS DRESSING #

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THREE-FER #

Chris Lloyd does a neat summary:

Monkey Business

Let’s start by admiting that a black man being banned for three matches for calling a dark brown Australian man a monkey is pretty peculiar. Next will be Ricky Ponting being banned for calling an English player a pommy bastard.

Three more:

Luncheon Meat: Bucknor had to go, not because the Indians said they would suck their thumbs in the corner, which was typical, but because he's past it. However, listening to Mal Speed shmooze on about needing "to seek a way forward and keep the spirit of the game at the forefront" and that Bucknor had been removed because the ICC wanted to "take some of the heat out" and unfortunately Bucknor was "meat in the sandwich", all while dodging even the slightest hint Bucknor is incompetent... well, he is a politician.

C0ckheads: They were ringing up radio stations - I've got to stop listening to talk-back - to say that "monkey" is less racist than yesterday's Herald Sun back page: Black Ban.

Streak envy: Why are India such a pack of screaming, wailing, effigy burning, donkey signing babies? With one billion people and 70% of the cricket revenue, THEY should be the ones on a 16 match streak.

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MONKEY MAGIC #

Andrew Symonds walks into an Indian bar.
Barman says "why the long arms?"

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BENEFIT OF THE STOUSH #

Shaun Cronin:

So who benefits from the Australia v India cricket stoush?

Some of you may have noticed that cricket has dominated the news for the past few days. The aftermath of the Sydney test has released a wave of recriminations, hyperbole and effigy burning not seen for many a year.

I particularly like Comment 30 from Jenny, which I will pinch:

I guess my view isn’t politicaly correct at the moment, but my view is that Ponting has done NOTHING wrong in the Sydney test at all. Let’s look at the charges:

[Failed to shake hands with Indians after the game]: Yes he did. They did the backslapping thing first which is absolutely standard after a wicket and particularly after the last wicket of a game. Suggest watch a replay rather than listen to the crap which passes for cricket commentary these days.

[Ungracious at press conference/after match interviews]: Nothing could be further from the truth. Ponting is invariably gracious towards opponents and was so on this occasion.

[Appeals]: It has been the case for 50 years at least that players appeal if there’s a chance of a wicket. Why not? That’s only commonsense.

[Walking after a nick]: With few exceptions this hasn’t been done for 50 years. Which in my view makes the umpire’s job simpler, since the umpire will otherwise be in the position of effectively calling a batsman a cheat if he gives out a player that hasn’t walked.

[Claimed catch - Clarke]: Clarke said he caught a catch and the replay did not conclusively prove him wrong. Ponting’s role was to make it clear to the umpire that Clarke believed he had taken the catch and should therefore be given out under the terms of the series agreement between Ponting and Kumble.

[Claimed catch - Ponting]: Ponting doesn’t dispute the ball popped out of his hand on impact. However, he believed he had controlled the ball in the air. Under the laws he’s wrong, but that’s a matter of interpretation for the umpires. Not cheating!

[Sledging]: One of the joys of sport at all levels. Some of the best has come from Englishmen, Jamaicans and South Africans. Not a problem so long as it’s not malicious. I’ve heard nothing to indicate the Aussies were being malicious.

So why is Ponting being attacked as being arrogant. I suggest the following factors are conspiring against him.

- Whoever followed on from Steve leprosy-colony Waugh was going to struggle for acceptance.

- Much of the cricket world including Australians is heartily sick of the Aussies winning and would have loved to see India win the Sydney test.

- For whatever reason, Australia has been getting the best of the umpire’s decisions in Australia for a few reasons, and for some reason I can’t quite fathom, that’s seen to be our fault.

- Cricket Australia pissed off some journalists this season by restricting press access. This is payback. - The media has become increasingly strident about many things in recent years in the ongoing circulation wars. So any dispute in the cricket is automatically exaggerated.

- Tall poppy syndrome.

That Tony T of Comment 39 is a dickhead, but.

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TEXT! #

Now that I have your attention: Warne avoids controversy!

Never mind the ‘Bollyline’, this is one of the great Australia sides

It is never nice to see cricket in the headlines for the wrong reasons. In a lot of ways I thought the Sydney Test between Australia and India was a fantastic game with an exciting finish. Not too many go down to the wire like that but, unfortunately, I guess it will be remembered for other events.

I am not getting involved in the “Bollyline” controversy because it would not help a difficult situation. People need to calm down. Suffice to say that it was not the first time that umpires have made mistakes, and it will not be the last. I hope that everything can be sorted out so we have another great game in Perth next week.

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BALANCE OF TIRADE #

Excellent article in CricInfo (thanks, Russ) from Suresh Manon:

Some balance, please

True, India were sinned against in the Sydney Test, but they're no innocents, and the reaction of the media back home has been consummately over the top.

If India's media are to be believed, the Indian players are angels, and anyone who thinks otherwise is an unpatriotic Gandhi-hater and should be condemned to watching Navjot Sidhu expressing his views on a dozen television channels.

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SMACK FLIP #

Beep. Beep. Beep. Well, maybe Spanky hasn't exactly flipped 180 degrees, but today's article has more than a feint aroma of "Hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about the wild dogs":

Australians not only ones with issues

BY NO means can the Indians escape censure for the unpleasantness that took place in cricket's dark hour at the SCG.

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BORN OUT OF FREDLOCK #

This one's for all the suckers blabbing on about the great sportsmanship of Freddie Flintoff after the Edgbaston Test in 2005 - I'm looking at you today, Chloe Saltau - cop a load o' this, youse bastards:

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TIT FOR TANDOORI #

Speaking of bastards - you knew where I was going with the previous update, didn't you, you clever monkeys - it's hard not to feel sorry for Tongue Hogg, caught smack bang in the middle of a cynical and devious retaliation.

PC world is smothering sport

BRAD Hogg has been nothing more than a silly bastard, but unfortunately he must pay the price.

If there is equality in cricket, he must be found guilty on the same lines that Harbhajan Singh was for calling Andrew Symonds a "monkey".

Yes, we all agree the cricket world has gone totally mad, but the parameters have been set by the politically correct world that is smothering the sport.

Yes, mad. You know what I think? Hogg will get found guilty, while Rollerboy Singh will get off.

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DONE FOR DESCENT #

Hoggy's going to say he was "taken out of context". Well, he is a sportman:

Hogg taken out of context, says Cricket Australia

BRAD Hogg's defence team will argue the Australian meant no malice and his gibe was taken out of context when his charge of racial abuse is heard next week.

The alleged offence has been reported under section 3.3 of the ICC Code of Conduct which refers to players or team officials "using language or gestures that offends, insults, humiliates, intimidates, threatens, disparages or vilifies another person on the basis of that persons race, religion, gender, colour, descent, or national or ethic origin".

Now there is a list guaranteed to make most every Professional Outragist drool.

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REFFING USELESS! #

Llooks llike Llittle Lleyton wants a piece of the action:

It's not cricket, says beaten Hewitt

FORMER world No. 1 Lleyton Hewitt said he could empathise with the cricketers after he felt he was the victim of "useless" umpiring decisions in his tight loss to countryman Chris Guccione yesterday. After the match, an outspoken Hewitt declared the standard of umpiring on the tennis tour as "pretty ordinary".

"I feel like the cricketers, I think," Hewitt said, after a few close decisions went against him. "What's going on with all the refs these days? They're useless."

It just wouldn't be a Seven Summer Of Tennis without Hewitt having a shot at someone.

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INCONVENIENT STRUTH #

Top article from the Strayan's Wayne Smith on famour cheats:

Symonds and Hair both victims of sport's inconvenient truths

NOSTALGIA ain't what it used to be.

But somehow, in a week that has seen Australian cricketers labelled as cheats for abiding by the umpire's decision and Australian Open tennis organisers setting up a hotline to catch corrupt players, the quaint sporting crooks of yesteryear have taken on an almost respectable glow. What the sporting world needs now is more Boris Onischenkos. Remember Boris, the Soviet competitor who rigged his epee to record hits he did not make during the fencing discipline of the modern pentathlon at the 1976 Montreal Olympics? It was cheating on an epic, not to mention epee scale and how he thought he could get away with it is anyone's guess. But for sheer villainry in the cut and thrust of Olympic competition, Bad Boris finishes a clear winner, with Boneheaded Ben trailing behind.

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THE PLASTIC SPANKY #

Bruce has a good idea. I'm not 100% sure it was Spanky who started the lie about the Strayans and Indians not shaking hands after the Test, but that doesn't matter, the award needs to be named after someone and Spanky makes a worthwhile honouree:

Was it Spanky's column where the lie started that no one shook anyone's hand after the match?

After the initial huddle broke up everyone shook Kumble's hand and the traditional lineup of the batting team meeting the fielders on their way off happened exactly as expected.

Have a look at the end of Edgbaston 2005. (Can't do youtube links from work) There's no rush to shake hands there either and it is a good 40 seconds after the wicket that photo opportunity/sledge happened. Vaughn and others celebrate like men who have just won a really close test match - but I don't remember many column inches being devoted to calling for the sacking of the skipper.

I'm going to latch onto this one like Blair and his plastic turkey to see just how often this falsehood gets perpetuated.

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TIME BANDIT #

Most sensible people agree that Instant Karma used a lame delaying tactic when he came out to bat on Sunday evening. Wrong glove? Yeah, right. It was pathetic schoolboy stuff for which he got his come-uppance three balls latter. Yet, in all the lists of bad decisions that have been drawn up these last few days, one howler has been conspicuously absent:

Law 31 Timed out

(a) Unless Time has been called, the incoming batsman must be in position to take guard or for his partner to be ready to receive the next ball within 3 minutes of the fall of the previous wicket. If this requirement is not met, the incoming batsman will be out, Timed out.

(b) In the event of protracted delay in which no batsman comes to the wicket, the umpires shall adopt the procedure of Law 21.3 (Umpires awarding a match). For the purposes of that Law the start of the action shall be taken as the expiry of the 3 minutes referred to above.

At precisely 3 minutes and 20 seconds, was it too much to expect the umpires "time out" Karma? I think not. I mean, it was such a straightforward decision that I'm sure everyone would have handled it in the right spirit.

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SMACK FLIP WITH HALF PIKING #

More from Tim Blair on Spanky further squibbing it:

ROEBUCK RETREATS

Apparently it was all just some helpful tree-shaking:

Time to shake the tree. Sacking the captain was the only story remotely dramatic enough to bring everything out into the open. And so the article was written. It had almost been sent earlier in the match but a fever had taken hold and the thought occurred that mood might have been affected. But the point was valid. The leadership had failed.

And so the debate began ... A nerve had been touched and the important matters were going to be addressed.

I wonder how Roebuck would view a front-page column calling for his sacking.

Gold: Spanking the monkey.

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FOSSIL FOOLS #

Good article by Michael Vaughan - no, not that Michael Vaughan - in the Age.

When comment overflows, it's time to turn off the tap

IT'S time to call in the Pope or, better still, Doctor Phil, I reckon, to adjudicate (no dodgy decisions, please) on the appalling state of our nation … or is it just the cricket?

It must be at least their turn because it seems everyone else has had a crack.

Tony Greig. Such a credit to the game when playing, he is now a born-again goody-two-shoes who commentates and sells cricket pictures.

Don't forget dial-a-cricket-quote Neil Harvey, who it seems has a bad opinion of everything that's not about why he or someone in the 1948 team was such a great player. Has the man ever said anything nice about the game post-1948? I doubt it.

Let's include John Bertrand, Ron Barassi, Herb Elliott and Rob de Castella, fantastic cricketers one and all, and well qualified to tell it like it is … or not.

Here's Tony Grieg in Wednesday's Telegraph:

Greig returns serve to Ponting

Greig believes modern cricketers have an outdated view on walking and are being made to look foolish as they baulk at moving with the times.

He has urged players to follow Adam Gilchrist's lead and walk when they are out rather than rely on the umpire's verdict.

He believes modern technology which exposes incidents when players should be given out has the potential to tarnish the players' image when they refuse to walk.

"Players should rethink the stance they have taken in the past which to me is so old-fashioned," Greig said.

"So much has changed with technology since non-walking became a fait accompli. Umpires have been made to look very stupid.

"Ponting got an edge down the leg-side and was out (but didn't walk). Then he got a bad decision for an lbw and carried on about it. There are double standards.

"At the same time Ponting is trying to persuade opposition captains to take his word on catches . . . they are all over the place.

"All I can tell you is the best umpiring I have ever experienced and the best relationships between umpires and players was in England in county cricket where we had former first-class players like Mark Benson umpiring.

"You were considered to be a cheat if you didn't walk.

"That system worked best and of course it all broke down when you got to Test level because you were playing against Australia and they didn't walk.

Obviously moving with the times is a selective option. On the one hand Grieg wants the Aussie cricketers to move with the times on walking. On the other he wants what happens on the field to stay on the field.

Speaking of walking. No doubt it did "all break down" as you moved from County cricket to Test cricket. I have a book at Dad's (it's buried somewhere in a great pile) which covers the 1977 Strayan tour of England. You might remember that tour; that's the one where Tony Grieg moved with the times as he skulked behind the scenes recruiting players for World Series Cricket. Anyway, in that book there is a revealing picture which has Doug Walters looking less than plussed at covers and Rod Marsh looking astounded behind the stumps and mouthing what polite society calls a f^^ken expletive. Why? Well, because the other person in the picture, one Tony Grieg, had been given not out after getting a thick edge and was stuck fast to the crease. So much for walking. Doubtless Grieg would still deny he hit it.

Other fossils?

Neil Harv... ohh, what's the point.

Ron Barassi. The elder statesman of Strayan Rules was ferocious as both a player and a coach. Can you even begin to imagine he would "be nice" or "go easy" or "mind his manners"? Fat chance. As a coach he was a dead set lunatic who would have stuffed any Spirit of Football straight down the throat of an opponent.

John Bertrand. Sailing?!?

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FOUR-FER #

Normblog Geras, the blogosphere's angry young man, breaks it down:

Sydney Serenade

• Spirit of the game
• Racism
• Bad umpiring
• Not 'walking'

Read it? Told you he was a fiery customer. Anyway, here's my take:

Spirit of the game: I agree with Normblog that the Spirit of the Game has been too easily dismissed as empty rhetoric. Straya have made a conscious effort to tidy up their act. You can't just spout "Straya have always been shockers" because they've put in considerable effort to lift their game in recent years and, in fact, their behaviour in recent years is much better. One of my students plays first grade cricket here in Melbourne and has told me that considerable emphasis has been put on Strayan cricket cleaning up its act at all levels. Still, Ponting should have been fined for standing his ground in the Siddey Test first innings and shouldn't have tossed his bat or gotten shitty at the post-match presser. Mind you, a tossed bat is not as dangerous as a tossed stump through a door. And did anyone see Tassie's George Bailey toss his bat, gloves and helmet in Monday's 20/20 against Victoria? He was still on the ground. There's work to be done, but at least Straya are making an effort to do that work.

Racism: While my bullsh1t meter flies into the red when people start spouting the "monkey's not racist" lie, I have no idea what it's like to be vilified. So there's no point me going there except to say that it's a Pando... ahem, the authorities are making trouble for themselves by trying to cherry pick insults. And if anyone suggests racial insults be "swept under the carpet" check that person's back catalog of opinions to make sure they haven't let their dudgeon get the better of them over racial vilification in the AFL.

Bad umpiring: Yes, the umpiring in Siddey was terrible and was probably the root cause of all the drama. Still, it's been well enough documented save for one incident: Dravid's dismissal in the second innings. No, not the fact he didn't hit it. Everyone's been droning on about how Gilly is a cheat because he appealled, but what about Dravid? The Wall, too, was having a lend of the umpire. How so? Well, what was he doing? He was "pretending" to play a shot. He wanted the umpire to think he was making a genuine attempt to play the ball so that he couldn't be given out LBW for leaving a ball outside off stump. If Dravid had shouldered arms, clearly removed his bat from where the ball might have gone, then he would not have been given out. And apart from anything else, he "didn't miss it by miles" as everyone seems to have hyperbolied, he only just missed it. Stop trying to con the umpire, Rahul. Get your bat well out of the way and you won't get "dudded".

Walking: I played senior cricket for 15 years all over WA and Victoria and never saw anyone walk. End of story.

I'll toss in a bonus issue.

Chucking: Or the pursuit that used to be known as bowling. Off-spinners have always sailed close to the wind and Sideshow Roy and Harbhajan were no exceptions. When both were looking for that extra little bit of bite, they both gave their arm that extra little bit of flex. And it's not just the offies. Mitch Johnston, when he got front-on looking for a little extra ball-action, had a distinct Meckiffesque kink in his arm. It seems to me that Troy Cooley has put a lot of work into variations. Maybe this is related to what England were doing in 2005, maybe not. Either way, it looks as if Cooley's the first coach to start actively working within the 15 degree tolerance limits. Only a madman wouldn't.

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ANOTHER FUCKER #

Day Three:

Elsewhere on-field, Harby was cited for sledging Sideshow. Judging by Roy's reaction and Harby's subsequent contrition, Harby DID say something nasty. It was allegedly racist, according to today's blabs, but they don't say what was said. Tendulkar talked in circles, which doesn't usually bode well for the defence, but unless the umpire heard what was said or the stump mikes picked it up there is rock all chance of Harby being found guilty. And he'll probably say he was mis-heard, anyway.

Today:

Indians to argue Symonds misunderstood Harbhajan

HARBHAJAN Singh's racial abuse case took a bizarre twist last night with claims Andrew Symonds misinterpreted a derogatory Punjabi phrase which sounded like "monkey".

The tourists may argue at Harbhajan's appeal hearing that he called Symonds a "Maa Ki . . ." in his native tongue, which translates into "motherf-----".

And Tendulkar's waffle? What's the bet he didn't hear anything.

Also today from Murph:

'Bastard' not on banned words list

"BASTARD", the term for which Brad Hogg will be on trial in Perth, was not among the words listed by the teams as racially offensive before the Australia-India series.

The Indians would probably argue that although 'bastard' is not racial, it is still 'descentual'. Nevertheless, they are all over the place like a mad elephant's sh1t.

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CASH FOR NOMMENT #

Here's a thought:

Ian Chappell has been quiet lately. Experts have been throwing their opinions around, getting stuck into the Strayans, but Chappell has been noticeably shtum. Now, it's hard to imagine he would criticise Ponting for the way the Strayans currently play the game. More like, given his own mob's propensity for playing balls-and-all cricket, he would approve. Sure, he might criticise a field position, a batting line-up a bowling change, coaches, but he's said next to rock all about the way the Strayans play... ahem, hard but fair. Why? Could it be he wants to keep commentating on the subcontinent? In fact, can anyone point me to a commentator with a gig on the sub-continent who has supported Ponting?

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SELLING IT LIKE IT IS #

Nice line from Frank Devine in Friday's Strayan:

Pumped up by torrents of rupees and implausible praise-for-pay promotion by TV commentators.

So he was talking about T20, but only a $500 unframed fool would suggest rank shilling is confined to BashBall.

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STREETFIGHTING MAN #

When it comes to clear thinking in cricket, it's always best to wait for Brendan McArdle:

Big yield on odd regret

THERE were always going to be moments like this for Ricky Ponting; it was just a matter of when and where.

When he replaced Steve Waugh as one-day captain six years ago, two questions surrounded him. First, given that he was only 27, how was he going to last into his mid-30s in such a demanding job? Second, would his ultra-competitive instincts become a problem?

Ponting has answered the first question in overwhelming fashion. He is, simply, the best batsman, fieldsman and captain in world cricket.

The second issue is a complex one. The qualities that have made Ponting so successful — talent, toughness, quick-thinking and a large appetite for success — were never going to please everyone. The boy from Mowbray was always going to be lurking underneath, ensuring that any challenge would be met head-on.

Now, you would have noticed I'm as prepared to support the Strayan team as the next one-eyed fan. But that doesn't mean I've missed, intentionally or otherwise, Ponting's numerous indiscretions. Out of all the incidents I think the worst was the one where he chipped Fletcher because it smacked of "you c**ts have gotten to me." McArdle's right: it's time Stakeholders had a word with Ponting.

A quiet word.

What sh1ts me more than Ponting getting occasionally out of line, is the over-reaction by every Professional Outragist, issue monger, push-up merchant, soft c0ck and vested interest who has jumped on the bandwagon, saying the Strayan team eats babies. Especially in this Test.

It may be coincidental that when Straya play nice they lose and when they "take no prisoners" they win, but where are all those people who were screaming that Straya were too nice in 2005? I would rather Straya were not nice and winning, than too nice and losing; as long as they don't overdo it.

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HARD BUT FAIR SUCK #

Paul Marsh, the ACA chief executive, gives "hard but fair" a fair dinkum work out:

Australian players to continue to strive

MUCH has been said and written about the Australian cricket team this week. The Australian Cricketers' Association, as the representative body of past and current first-class cricketers in Australia, has been inundated with letters, emails and phone calls from all over the world.

Many have been positive but just as many have been negative.

Still, for a paid spokesman, he makes some good points.

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SPANK YOU VERY LITTLE #

The Strayan's David King on the reaction to the Spanky Roebuck columns during the week, as well as extra background on Roebuck including the interesting fact that Spanky's under-plussed with his spanking conviction:

Trouble in the outfield

In 2001, in Taunton County Court in Somerset, England he was convicted of assaulting three 19-year-old South African men who had been lodging at his bungalow and receiving cricket coaching.

Reports from the BBC said he pleaded guilty to common assault and was given three concurrent four-month sentences, suspended for two years.

Britain's Daily Telegraph said Roebuck had beaten the boys across the buttocks with a cane after they failed his fitness test.

The Daily Telegraph report said: "In a statement the victim said Roebuck told him: 'I'm going to cane you now. Then it will be over and I will forgive you and, if I don't cane you, I will feel differently about you."'

In his autobiography Sometimes I Forgot to Laugh, Roebuck said he pleaded guilty to the charges to end the legal ordeal and did not know the plea meant accepting as truth the statements of the young men.

He said the men had been pressured to make statements against him by his enemies from Somerset Cricket Club and the story had been leaked to the British papers.

In his autobiography, Roebuck described the events surrounding the caning of the young man, referred to as K, this way: "He was unfit and fell so far behind that I had to jump in the car and retrace our route to find him. When I did, we laughed about the fact that I would now not have to tell his parents that he had frozen to death in a ditch on his first day.

"When we got home I gave him a few whacks with a stick from a bunch that he had brought home before we had breakfast and went to the ground to practice. It was over in a few seconds ... Fairness demanded that the same process be followed for R. Unfortunately, he was spoilt and unable to accept correction, or so it would emerge."

Roebuck said he pleaded guilty to a lesser charge but hadn't realised the full implication of his a guilty plea.

"I had not grasped that pleading guilty meant accepting everything in the statements made by the complainants, not just the parts relevant to the supposed 'assault'. As part of the deal, we had to pretend that consent was absent. Of course it was nonsense."

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ALL SOOK UP #

Possum (thanks, Dave Le Barry) does a bang up job on the Indians:

Teh Spirit of Teh Game

The most ironic thing about this latest outburst of jingoistic politics-by-other-means from India is that the only group to come out of this sordid affair that even remotely appear to be living in reality, are the Australian Test cricketers themselves - demonstrating the very thing that they are so often accused of being removed from!

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OFFENCE POST #

Sourav Ganguly leads bad-boy race with 12 call-ups

THEY have protested their innocence throughout the racism saga, but besieged India is the worst behaved team in world cricket - according to official ICC data.

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MOSES EXPOSES #

Superb YouTubing from Andrew Moses; especially Ganguly's two-for-one.

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LEMON PLEDGE #

Crash is right: Straya's "pretentious Spirit of Cricket pledge" is a dud:

You can be bully boys or guardians - not both (Online headline)

Spare us the moral posturing of a silly pledge (Offline headline)

AUSTRALIAN cricket is confused as the national team tries to assume incompatible identities . . . bully boys and moral guardians.

Cricket Australia chief executive James Sutherland last week gave the Australians the right to continue their hard-edged approach with a "carry on sledging" themed press conference when he said the game was not tiddlywinks.

Fair enough. No surprises there.

Sutherland was guilty of misreading the mood of many fans not happy with the side's behaviour but at least he was encouraging it to be itself.

But yesterday in Perth the team renewed its commitment to the Spirit of Cricket pledge, penned in the final years of Steve Waugh's captaincy.

That is where the trouble starts.

As he goes on to say: "A collective effort to lift their game would have been good enough." Spot on.

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WHO CARES WHITS #

Since I don't really care whether Rollerboy Harby get's off his appeal or not, I thought Brad Hogg's getting off his charge might have been a good point to end this post.

That was until I saw someone had seen fit to drag a comment out of Mike Whitney.

The End.

Comments

[Shane O]

Wrath of Khan is out, Sharma in. No other changes for India.

Australia unchanged from Melbourne.

Punter wins the toss and bats.

[nick]

It's Kolkata 2001 all over again and Punter will make his decisions under the gun (weather forecast dodgy for last 3 days of Test)...

[Shane O]

RP gets Hungry with a short, wide one. AUS 1 for 0!

[nick]

and so it begins

[Vindicate]

Least the Indians new young bloke has started better than Harmi last year. Haw. Haw.

[Russ]

Happy new year to all. Was away for the last test but didn't disagree with the general gist of the conversation.

Hungry's not setting himself up for much of a run in the side here. His tendency to get out to stupid shots (particularly after reaching milestones) and his nervous looking starts are going to bite him when he has a run of bad luck.

[nick]

Bucknor is umpiring - can't he retire for 08?

[Vindicate]

Fuck. RP gets Haydos.

[Shane O]

Great catch by TLM off a solid edge from Haydos via a nice nut from RP again.

[pat]

Roebuck reckons Punter was out even though he says "I didn't hear anything". The only reason he gives is that all the Indians went up confidently and they wouldn't have if there wasn't something there.

I really don't understand how Roebuck keeps his job.

[Shane O]

You never see a cricket team appeal when someone's not out, do you?

Having said that, there was a noise.

[Tony T]

Knew I should have touched wood when I wrote that "RP Singh didn't really provide much of an edge in Melbourne and if you had a better righty, you'd play him."

Bugger.

[Tony T]

If all the Aussies went up for a so-called catch that "he didn't hear" Spanky would criticise them for trying to con the umpire in unison, and that it was an age old tactic.

[nick]

Iron Gloves!

[nick]

What if the whole Indian crowd went up in a monkey chant?

[pat]

6/300+ at stumps. Pup gets a ton in the tea session reminiscent of Dougy at his best.

[Tony T]

Parky's on The Nicholas Show. (Simon's at the races... probably.)

I can't handle the way Bill calls it "the luncheon break" instead of the lunch break.

[nick]

Looks like Mr Smug is touching wood as well.

[Russ]

The Indians are never in too much of a hurry are they? 25 overs in the session, without any apparent reason for it.

Not the best session for us, but could have been worse. India's lax fielding is keeping us from feeling any great pressure, but like in Melbourne, they seem to have a knack of prising out players regardless.

[Tony T]

At the very least, Kumble should have been hustling for one more over before lunch.

2 for 90+ in the first sesh of any Test isn't too shabby.

[nick]

Let's hope India open up with Dravid again. They could promote Yuvraj up to open, and let him do his best V. Slog impression, letting the rest of the order bat in their usual positions. India have been very reactive - they've been outplayed, but they've certainly been out planned and out thought.

[Tony T]

I can see why India would stick with the same eleven, apart from the injury change.

Maybe they are just echoing what Wicky wrote: that India just haven't been here long enough to get properly organised.

I mean, it's not as if they are a bunch of hacks. You could be right about Yuvy to open, but if it's Dravid still at the top...

[Bruce]

Bill probably has a packed lunch of Devon and sauce sandwiches. Hence the luncheon terminology.

[Tony T]

Luncheon meat head.

[Scott Wickstein]

I slept through the morning session. Shameful, I know, but it's been as hot as hell in Adelaide the last week and my apartment feels like an oven. Looking like the Indians are already improved from Melbourne going by the scorecard. Are they fielding any better this time around?

[Tony T]

I need a very important issue resolved. Which do you prefer?

a) The flat-faced boundary rope in Sorth Efrica, or

b) The slope-faced boundary rope in Straya.

[Tony T]

TLM took a very good catch to get rid of Rev. Flatty. But it's not their catching at issue, is it. They are giving up less singles, twos and threes, and I haven't seen anyone escort the ball to the boundary yet.

Dhoni Kebab missed a difficult stumping, which clipped Ponting's pad off Harby.

[Scott Wickstein]

I prefer the sloped rope in Straya, Tony.

Good to see Russ with us again, too.

[Tony T]

Speaking of Russ, it's good to see Nine just then highlighting Hungry's slack dismissal.

[Tony T]

Pheee-ew!

Ponting was lucky to get away with that loopy miss-hit to deep backward square. Doubly lucky to get four from it.

[Scott Wickstein]

Dravid's not the best guy to be having at deep-backward square, but he should still have caught that. And Ricky Ponting needs to settle down- no one cares about flashy 50's anymore.

[Tony T]

Ponting, ElBee, Big edge.

F**k!

[Scott Wickstein]

What a dodgy decision that was! You have to give Ponting credit for just walking off instead of spitting the dummy. Not sure I could have done that.

[Tony T]

He should have stood and look "disappointed" like Yuvy in Melbourne. What a dodgy non-decision that was.

[Tony T]

Which is what he did. What's the bet he will now get fined for dissent.

[Russ]

Fielding was better before lunch, but they've regressed again for the moment. What's with Dravid at the moment? Negative batting, negative fielding. Throw yourself at the ball.

Made no difference I guess... shocking decision though.

On another note, there is a fair bit of bounce in this pitch. Ponting didn't get over a couple of shots - not to mention Jacques. Might make it interesting when its our turn to bowl.

[Scott Wickstein]

Oh fuck, now Hussey just gives TLM some gentle catching practice.

Instead of getting 600 like we should, we're 4 for 119. Sometimes I think our batting lineup is massively over-rated.

[Tony T]

Hussey, caught Tendulkar, bowled RP.

F**k.

What was that I was saying about dodgy decisions changing a game?

[Scott Wickstein]

F**k? Is this a family blog? Sorry, I'll use asterixes in future.

[Tony T]

Clarke, ElBee, Harby.

F^^K.

Awful leave. What was he thinking?

[Scott Wickstein]

Oh for F**k sake... what was Clarke thinking? Must have been thinking about fillers, or filling Lara Bingle or something.

Just use the bat, Pup.

[Russ]

Oh, jesus, what are you doing Clarke?

I don't know if they are over-rated, but you really don't want Roy and Gilchrist coming in with the score less than 200. We are going to be real thankful for the depth in the tail before the day is out.

[Tony T]

Gilly, caught TLM, bowled Singh,

F~~k!

I wish we'd lost the toss.

[Scott Wickstein]

We're going to need the depth in the tail before the day is half-out.. as is Gilchrist, almost a carbon copy of Mr Cricket's dismissal.

Pretty limp display this, I have to say. India have bowled well, for sure, but Australian test batsmen should be able to cope with good bowling.

[Tony T]

Dodgy dismissals have strange and evil power, Wicky.

[Tony T]

Singh a songh of six-fer.

[Scott Wickstein]

Very good, Tony.

[Russ]

What the f*** is Hogg doing? It isn't as he isn't scoring runs. Hit the ball into the ground.

[Tony T]

The commentators are amazing with catches. It's either a blinder or a shocking miss, it's rarely anywhere in between.

Naturally Bill got stuck into Instant Karma for not catching Hogg, but there is no way that skied chance was easy. Kudos for Dick and Slatts for saying so.

[Tony T]

I wish the commentators would stop trying to break this partnership.

[Russ]

I can't work out why Hogg is being praised for making 20. He is a perfectly capable all-rounder with a first class average in the mid-30s. His shot selection borders on the moronic, but he is no muppet.

[Scott Wickstein]

Ahh, Morgan Freeman to the rescue. Very lucky escape there for Sideshow Roy, after a good ball.

[Tony T]

True. Thanks, Morg.

But Instant Karma needs to chill.

[Scott Wickstein]

Ricky Ponting said 'We won't be caught with our pants down' but it sure looks like we've been caught short in this Test so far.

[Russ]

What a disgraceful decision. Sad to think we are actually doing better by the umpiring so far today.

Symonds seems determined to make amends by getting himself out. This has not been one of Straya's better efforts.

[Tony T]

It's a dead set relief when you are on the right end of a dodgy decision, but it's also a dead set embarrassment.

[Tony T]

4/120 odd in a session. What is this? A one day game.

[nick]

Tait won't score 48 runs in his entire Test career.

[Yobbo]

Steve Bucknor is racist. That is the only explanation for not giving Symonds out.

[pat]

Onya Hoggy.

[Russ]

Lovely work Bradley. There is a bit of Healy about this knock. All bustle and luck, but handy as hell.

[Tony T]

Massive let-off for Sideshow from the third umpire. I reckon the commentators were right, except that the view from behind shed doubt on whether his foot was definitely off the ground.

[pat]

Is Symonds out or not? these fuckheads on the radio just won't say. Oh, right. Symonds hits a single so e mustn't be out.

It's getting harder and harder this Test cricket. Hack comedians on the radio, braggarts on the TV, Light beer at the ground that can't be skulled (oz spelling), what's the point anymore.

[Tony T]

When you see that "bit of sunlight" that Tubby is talking about, you can't tell if the bails are off.

[Russ]

Hard to tell on a screen an inch high, but there is a tendency for the commentators to use the frame where the gloves touch the stumps instead of the frame where they are definitively broken. In this case it makes all the difference I suspect. Not exactly a vintage knock from Symonds but a 50 at 6 for 130 odd is worth every run.

[Russ]

Why oh why wouldn't you put in a third man to these two. Between Symonds cut and Hogg's dabs they've given up a packet of runs.

[Tony T]

And also that short gap from backward square to mid wicket where they've knocked a heap of singles.

They should put Yuvy Shwing there, who according to Heals "is one of the better fielders."

[Carrot]

I'm with Tone. Symonds was *probably* out, but you can't see that the bails are completely dislodged, ergo not out. What was that decision that went Slater's way all that time ago? Simon Taufel in the 3rd Umpire's slot giving him not out even though he was out by a foot, on account of not being able to see the stumps being disturbed.

How good is Hoggy, eh?

[Tony T]

I remember something at Bellerive where the umpire pushed the not-out button by mistake when a batsman was out by a mile. Can't remember who the batsman was, but I think Jacks Kallis was the bowler.

[Scott Wickstein]

I was in the car while that stumping attempt happened, and it was Harsha v Skull on the radio.

It looked clearly out to Harsha, and Skull was sure it was safe. Hilarity ensured.

[Tony T]

I reckon Hogg has caught the commentators and the Indians by surprise. Not Russ, though, or the rest of us who know - thanks to Dave On The Cricket - that Hoggy has the record score in Perth 1st Grade.

[Scott Wickstein]

Tony Greig's hitting the Mozz button pretty hard today, isn't he?

[Tony T]

For Auld Lang Syne: Tony Grieg, Bill Lawry and Ian Chappell commentating at the same time.

[Tony T]

6/300 and there's an hour to go.

F``k!

[SaggyGreen]

Sideshow: 2/100

[pat]

12:36 above: "6/300+ at stumps." Thank you, thank you. My amazing powers are proven yet again.

(The rest was obviously just an anti-mozz joke.)

[Scott Wickstein]

Takes a pretty special brand of cricketer to score a 100 when you're team is ankle-deep in the mire- Sideshow's done it twice in five Tests for us now. He took a while to deliver for Australia, but he's making up for lost time, I'll grant him that.

[Russ]

More than an hour. India are miles behind the over rate, as usual. Roy scoring a hundred helps the scoring along too. The second fifty was pretty good too.

Notice that we are doing somewhat better than in Melbourne now too. The pitch might or might not be better - it certainly isn't playing low - but this isn't a bad total anymore.

[Tony T]

Hogg, caught Dravid, bowled Kumble.

Sh1t!

Still, great work, Hoggy.

[pat]

Would you believe 7/300+ at stumps?

[Tony T]

See what happens when you go the gloat.

[Scott Wickstein]

Very good work indeed by Hoggy. Turned what was looking like a Nightmare on Oxford Street into something half way decent. Still would like to see Lee knuckle down and help Roy get the score up- we need more then 400; it's a good batting track.

[Russ]

Brett Lee has no idea against Kumble. There is something to be said for hitting out here, then having a bowl before stumps.

[Tony T]

We SEEM TO BE getting a lot of runs along the ground straight. Or is our wagon wheel pretty normal?

I mean, are the India mid off and mid on too wide?

[Scott Wickstein]

Don't look to be too badly placed to me. Could be that is where they hide their worst fielders though so they're easy to get past.

[Tony T]

If we'd got full value from all the Indian full tosses, we'd be another 40 runs at least.

[Sara]

Kevin Pietersen has married Jessica Taylor, Read details at:

http://www.cricketviewer.com/kevin-pietersen-married-with-jessica-taylor.html

[Tony T]

Kevin Grankowski has married Alice Boggs.

No details.

[Russ]

The wagon wheel while Hogg was in was mostly through cover and fine. Unless you sweep, Kumble is hard to get away anywhere but straight, so that might be it.

New ball could be interesting. Hard balls go a long way.

[Scott Wickstein]

Specially when Roy gives them a whack.

[Tony T]

The wagon wheel would be clogged for Roy at deep mid-wicket/long-on. Yet all day India have had both a deep mid-wicket and a long-on who can only watch as Roy keeps short-arming it right between them.

[Clem Snide]

That was a terrific, competitive Test, the first competitive Test in ages for Australia, completely ruined before tea on day 1 by atrocious umpiring. Even baseball only gives the batter two letoffs, Roy's had 3. The remaining 4.5 days will now be the usual tedious demolition zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

[Tony T]

Jeez, Clem. I never had you for a "it would be good if Straya struggled" type of bloke.

Shame, Snide, shame.

[Bruce]

Who would have thought that from 6/140(ish) the Aussies would end up over 350?
That is one heck of a fightback. Sideshow wrested the initiative back amazingly well and even had India on the back foot with 5 men on the fence hoping to get Hoggy or Bing on strike. That is a quality couple of knocks.

[Tony T]

One way to keep a batsman off strike: let the ball go for four through your legs.

[Tony T]

That's bizarre: both sides have to agree to the ground being watered over the course of the Test.

[nick]

India are replaying Edgaston 05 - but the wrong side.

[Tony T]

Like I said before: "I'm glad we won the toss."

[Russ]

Three let offs Clem? The nick behind sure, but the stumping wasn't conclusive, and the lbw looked a good call to me (middle and leg, slipping down). India still have plenty of opportunity to win this. It's their slack, disheartened approach to fielding, Kumble's unimaginative captaincy and the work of the Australian lower order that is killing them.

Symonds looks tired. Be nice if he can hang around till stumps.

[Tony T]

Stumps: 7/376.

Bruce is right: "Who would have thought that from 6/140(ish) the Aussies would end up over 350?"

A stunning reversal.

This is comment 100, by the way. Like 400 - a Lara and 300 - a Spartan, it needs a name.