AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE GOY GOY GOY

It's not often I make a point of watching something I've seen reviewed in the Green Guide. Most everything those trendoids at the Age recommend is the sort of thing you're supposed to like, as opposed to the sort of thing you might actually like. But I'm going to make an exception next Thursday when I tune into Lawrie Zion's The Sounds of Aus:

Strewth! Aussies find their voice

There's more to the Aussie accent than closing your mouth to keep the flies out, writes Larry Schwartz.

LAWRIE ZION was raised in a household of various accents. His mother's family is from Poland; his father came here from Israel, via India.

"Dad always spoke English perfectly," Zion says. "I didn't actually realise he had a different accent until I went to school and friends would comment on the way he sounded."

A journalist who lectures on media studies at La Trobe University, he has written and researched a new documentary on the Australian accent. He describes The Sounds of Aus as "a conversation about the way we talk".

Mais pourquoi? Well, because Oi love the Aussie accent. No, really. Just the other day I was chortling away after one of my students told me about the theft of his car's sat-nav: "Cops found it down Cashies, Tarn." You may just have noticed here-a-bouts that I regularly flog those Strayans who, for whatever reason, feel the need to inject a dose of wankery into the way they speak; especially those that run to American affectation. Not that I'm against the way Yanks speak, it's just that they are, in fact, Yanks and as such sound perfectly normal speaking Yank. Take Joe Buck, an American football and baseball commentator on Fox. When Joe speaks, he's unmistakably Joe Buck, American. Now take Clinton Grabarse, an Aussie football commentator. Ignoring the salient accent differences, when Clinton speaks he sounds identical to Joe Buck, right down to the timing, timbre, tyntax. Why can't he commentate normally, without all the modifications? Why does he have to imitate someone else? It's not as if we wouldn't understand him, despite his tonguey speech impediment. And then there's John Casey, the Foxtel basketball and football commentator. I wonder if he knows he sounds like a dickhead when he goes Yank for Yank with American sidekick Steve Carfino. (Steve's an excellent commentator, by the way.) I swear that if I ever meet Casey, I'll squash a pie in his face then sneer "Did that get the job done?" It wouldn't shit me so much if Americanisms melded mellifluously with our own brand of Strayan, but all too often something like "You'll love it a whole bunch" is said as if it's meant to impress you. Well, it doesn't, buddy!

Nor is this limited to Yanks. True, American Strayan is a more wanton manifestation of language mistreatment, but it's sometimes just as bad with English Strayan. Remember Neville Oliver? Of course you do. How could you forget the sickening sycophancy when he joined in with Jonners, Aggers, Bearders and co with suck-ups like "ooop north" and "nowt". Maybe the English commentators weren't giggling in derision underneath their microphones. Maybe. Contrast that with Thommo who speaks unmistakable Strayan; broad, rough, everything Poms take the piss out of Stayans about. You get the impression the English commentators love working with him because he's being him, not them. Or maybe they're scared he will thump them.

I guess what I'm saying is, Yanks sound fine speaking like Yanks, Poms sound fine speaking like Poms, so why, despite our predominantly English lineage, can't Aussies sound like Aussies?

Nor do I expect you to give it any "Well, Tone, you dipshit, it's just the evolution of language." Evolution, fuck. I'm not against evolution, I'm against being force-fed foreign jargon, professional patter and wankers showing off.

An Immigration of Shopkeepers

Speaking of Poms, did anyone catch Ten Pound Poms last night? It went alright and The Faces' Ooh La La was a particularly nice touch. I don't want to turn this into a Pommy bashing thing by boosting the Poms who said they loved Straya while shitcanning those what said Straya was crap. But there was one lady who came here as a child, spent 40 years hating the place. The flies; "So many!" The sky: "Too bright." The birds: "They go fawwk." (Not a bad imitation, actually.) The everything. In 1999 she went back to ye Olde Dart, saying how ecstatic she was to be home. England was so soft, the flowers, the colour, the people, "it was wonderful." Guess what! She's back living in Straya. I mean, fook sake!

Interestingly, her circs are reasonably common. There were roughly one million TPPs of which about a quarter returned to the UK. Out of that 250,000 roughly half said "Lumme, Vera, that was a stupid mistake" and turned right around and came back to Straya. The 125,000 that stayed in the UK are all living together in a council estate in Dagenham.

Comments

[Tom H]

Yeah, funny. I used to work with a Scottish bloke, who'd talk about going to school here in Oz. Then later he'd talk about he & his wife emigrating out here shortly after they married. Eventually I demanded an explanation. Seems his parents had emigrated when he was a child, stayed a few years, then pissed off back to bonny Scotland. He couldn't wait to get back here & came as soon as he could.

My mother was a German immigrant who used to talk about how wonderful Germany was - until she finally went back for a holiday. Shut her up quick smart.

[Tony T.]

Spot on, Tom. Kiwis are the same; always rabbiting on about how great Un Zud is and pissing orf back there. Next thing you know, you're bumping into them again and they're moaning about how they had to come back to Straya for work, or in one case, because the ex-wife was chasing him for family support payments.

"The grass is greener on the samer side."

[Francis Xavier Holden]

Yeahs I agree Mr Zion's program sounds like a ripper. Both my offspring actually sound like Americans these days. The male one has always been mistaken for an american in public or asked if he spent a few years there. Given that I speak a classy, if classless, variant of general oz my theory is that 16 years of watching american cartoons 24/7 probably did it. The other gendered one was very australian until she went to asia treachig english where she was forced to teach with an american pronunciation and spelling. Now it's her natural accent.

[Mark]

Joe Buck is an idiot.

Best accent is the one owned by Michael Holding.

Two voices that grate and fingernails on a blackboard are Tony Greig and Jeremy Coney.

In one of his autobiographies, Clive James said that he sat between two jaapies on a flight who talked to each other really loudly in the broadest Afrikaan accents throughout the whole flight. When he got off, he reckoned he felt like he'd been beaten up.

But then Afrikaans = German SS Panzer Division Officer doesn't it...

[Tony T.]

FX: Having heard you speak, I can attest to your "classy, if classless, variant of general oz" except it was remiss of you not to mention your pronounced, or should that be unpronounceable, stutter?

Cairo: "You always have a smooth explanation." Spade: "Whaddaya want me to do? Learn to stutter?

Mark: Joe might be an idiot, but he's a very smooth commentator, and he's better than Tim McCarver.

And Mikey might have a good voice, but he can talk some rubbish which he gets away with precisely because he does have a cool accent. He loses further points in my estimation because of the amount of suck-up shit he evokes from Beefy Botham.

[Tony T.]

And I reckon Joe Buck, Troy Aikman and Chris Collinsworth were a superb commentary team. It's a pity Fox cut it back to just Buck and Aikman. (Not Buck'n Aikman.)

[James Dudek]

Chris Collinsworth is articulate, but has an irrational hatred of the Patriots.

If the MLB had any brains, they would utilize the local teams commentators for national and international broadcast. Guys have a lot more depth of knowledge and are a lot more colourful than the bland as whitebread Joe Buck (incidentally a great porno name).

If they used the local commentators, you'd also get to hear the wide variety of regional American accents rather than the generic "American Broadcaster" accent of Joe Buck.

[Mark]

Forget Collinsworth - EVERYONE has a hatred of the Pats at the moment because Bellichik got caught doing something all other NFL teams have done.

The hatred will just make the forthcoming unbeaten season and Superbowl success all the more sweeter.

First the Sox, then the Pats...

[James Dudek]

Belichick wasn't just "caught"......he was dobbed in by one time protege, Jets coach Mangini. Talk about waving a red rag at a bull. The Jets are going to have 100 points scored against them when they travel to Foxboro.

[David Barry]

I'd just like to thank you for using the word 'Strayan' and not 'Strine'. I hate it when Australians write or say 'Strine'. If an American says 'Strine' it actually sounds something like 'Strayan'. If an Australian says 'Strine' it sounds nothing like 'Strayan'.

As you were.

[Tony T.]

Well, I'm a Packers fan, so I will sit back and watch the Patriots and the Colts this weekend immune to bias. I hope it's a good game, but going by the AGB Rule of Hype, the game will be a dud.

Dave: I've never bought Strine, it's always sounded to me like we live in Straya. And I went to a posh school, so you'd think I'd have heard it different, but no.

[Tony T.]

And by the way.

Did anyone watch the Packers vs. Bears game back in October? The way the Packers gave up a half-time lead with stupid penalty after stupid penalty and with Favre casually chucking the ball around?

If that was a cricket match involving Pakistan, or a tennis match involving Davy Denko, you'd swear there were shenanigans afoot.

[James Dudek]

For what it's worth the Pats are the first team in history to go 7-0 over the Vegas line. Running up the score or Bob Kraft needing to hedge on his latest investment vehicle? -- you do the maths.

Betting on the NFL makes Pakistani bookmakers look like they are running the school raffle....

[Tony T.]

Well, if the exception proves the rule, although there's bugger all enchance of that saying ever making sense to me, it looks like the Patriots/Colts game was it.

I didn't see the game, mind, but 24/20 on the back of a second half rally is a long way from a dud.

[James Dudek]

After Grog Blog is the premier Australian blog for discussing matters NFL.

Doesn't quite have the ring of "Tony is a fuck nut loose bastard", but I'll have my marketing team work on it.

Great game, Pats scored two touchdowns in the last quarter to overcome a 10 point deficit.