VICE CAPTAIN

"Paul Collingwood: right hand bat. Favourite shot: lap sweep."

Lap dancing costs Collingwood dear

England's captain, Paul Collingwood, was forced to make a public apology yesterday for an impromptu visit to a Cape Town lap dancing bar and, to add to his woes, his team-mates were also embarrassed as an equally ill-judged defeat against New Zealand left them on the brink of elimination from Twenty20 World Cup.

Collingwood will definitely captain England in the one-day series in Sri Lanka, with the England and Wales Cricket Board refusing to view his misjudgment with the same gravity as Andrew Flintoff's drunken pedalo affair in the World Cup, an escapade which was considerably more alcohol-fuelled and cost Flintoff the vice-captaincy.

David Graveney, the chairman of selectors, emphatically responded "of course he will" when asked if Collingwood would retain the job in Sri Lanka after a tabloid newspaper revelled in his visit to Mavericks following England's defeat against Australia. The board formally pronounced that Collingwood had "been shown an inappropriate area", which as definitions of lap dancing bars go sounded accurate enough. Last night they fined him some £1,000.

There was no suggestion that Collingwood was drunk, he left soon after midnight and he was playing golf by 7.30am on Saturday, 36 hours before England's next game against South Africa. He had been socialising with England team-mates in a Cape Town nightclub and had accepted a lift home with people he dubbed as "not massively close friends".

Nevertheless it was ill considered and some self-recrimination was necessary. "I was taken to an inappropriate bar and I realised that I had to get out of there," he said. "It won't happen again. I made a mistake. I have apologised to everybody already. I am disappointed with myself."

What's with the plain confession, anyway? It's "As for the pink wall, the mirrors, the toilet-attendant, the French barmen, the two bouncers and the stripper called Fantasy; I can't remember them."

Comments

[Tony T.]

Just can't keep Collingwood out of the news.

[via collins]

"not massively close friends"

uncomfortable turn of phrase, some might sugest dikakesque in manner

[David]

At least we can be sure, based on his frank confession, that he'll never become Australian Prime Minister.

[Tony T.]

VC: And not just dikakesque (I assume you mean Alan Dikak); the syntax is also uncomfortable too as well.

D: He can even remember it.

[via collins]

sure i meant didak.

it's a collingwood thread innit an' all?

[Nabakov]

I think it's disgraceful. A top flight professional sportsman leaving a venue of repute at night in time enough surface for a round of golf at 7.30am. Serious questions need be asked here about whether he has the stamina or committment for a truly long innings.

[Adam 1.0]

Hasn't the world turned soft? I long for the days of Wayne Carey asking women why they don't get a bigger set of tits.

[Tony T.]

Quite. It's all down to the relentless erosion of traditional values.

[Mark]

Can someone have a close look at Yuvraj Singh's bat?

<>"Corked!"<>

[nick]

Not as corked as Shane Watson's leg - he needs to see Dr Chopper and harden the f**k up.

[nick]

Shane Watson. Left hand bat. Favorite shot : The one I took from the window of my hospital bed.

[Adsy]

Watson = Weak. As. Piss.

Lucky its only 20/20. Absolute batslotto.

[Tony T.]

Sorry, my fault. Twenty minutes ago I did a shocking mozz: "Wonder if Paper Cut will make it through the summer."

[Tony T.]

Batslotto's right. Starting at 10:00 is like Under 15s, where the team that wins the toss sends the other mob in and rolls 'em before the dew is off the grass.

[nick]

Watson's developing a new game - Six and out.

[Tony T.]

One hand, one ouch.

[Tony T.]

Jeez, the drought is everywhere. Things are crook when the TV people don't water the wagon-wheel outfield.

[Tony T.]

A complete pantsing. The Shrees should have to run around the pitch with their dacks down.

[Tony T.]

The bloke top-n-tailing in the Nine studio sounds like a TV carpenter.

[tONY]

Happened on this

http://blogs.smh.com.au/thetonk/archives/2007/02/pick_australias_worst_alltime.html

[tONY]

It's a commonplace, I know, but that Shree with the roundarm, Maralinga or whatever - he is another ridiculous chucker, and no mistake.

[Tony T.]

I'm not sold on that. There was one side-on shot tonight in which he looked a little whippy, but no more so than most fasties and there's no way I'd conclude he is dodgy. Nor is round-arm chucking.

[Scott Wickstein]

Malinga is very dodgy- no one with hair like that can possibly be on the level.

[tONY]

I know the one you mean, and "a bit whippy" is generous, Tone. Roundarm is fine (though weird), and maybe that makes it look worse than it is, but I don't think so...

[tONY]

And Craig Serjeant wasn't that bad. I always thought he was wrecked by Bob Simpson's "my way or the highway" coaching.

[Pedro the Ignorant]

Anybody who has the sheer guts to take the field with looks and bowling action like Maralinga Mal should be deeply appreciated by cricket fans around the world.
First time I saw him I thought he was the tea interval entertainment for the kiddies, a sort of weird Krusty the Clown.

[Professor Rosseforp]

Tony, I loved the idea of Australia's worst ever one-day squad, but am surprised that MacGill rated so often -- after the retirement of McGrath and Warne he's Australia's best bowler and is still being squashed into Australia A, whatever that may be.
I was also surprised to see that Ray Bright did not figure more often in people's replies. He would be first up on my team sheet, for the hair and beard if nothing else. I would regard him as every captain's "go to" bowler, e.g. "Go to the shop and buy me a packet of Stimorol -- make sure you bring the change back", "Go to Hayden at deep fine leg and tell him to warm up, I need someone who can bowl a bit of spin", etc.

[Tony T.]

Prof, bit harsh on Bright; especially since Greg Chappell had a far more dodgy beard.

For a time, Ray Bright was colloquially and rather meanly known for having made almost as many tours as he had played Tests. Bright was a skilful left-arm orthodox spinner who flighted the ball when young, but flattened his trajectory as the passing years and Australia's then low regard for slow bowling took their toll. He was also a defiant, if inelegant, lower-order bat, and an honest captain of a struggling Victorian side. He will be best remembered for his effort in the Madras tied Test, when he was reduced to tears by the pitiless conditions, but fought back to take 5 for 94 in the epic fourth innings.
Gideon Haigh

[Professor Rosseforp]

I saw Chappell (G.) bowl quick, I saw him bowl offspin, I saw him bowl swing, and I saw him bowl legspin -- admittedly right-handed in all cases, but I suspect even lefthanded he would have been a better bowler than Bright -- whose mini-biography as a cricketer condemns him with very faint praise. Mind you, I wouldn't have minded taking 5 wickets in my whole paltry suburban cricket career, and I was a better bowler than batsman.

[Tony T.]

Now, Prof. I'm not saying Bright was a better cricketer than Chappell, just that Chappell looked dodgy in a beard. Bright was right with face fuzz, Chappell wasn't.

You know, I'm picking up some animosity here, possibly even some issues. Dare I use the phrase deep-seated? You met Bright, didn't you? At a golf pro-am in the 70s, or maybe a coaching clinic, and you've never been able to deal with Bright telling you to get stuffed when you said "Go to the shop and get me a Sunnyboy."

[Professor Rosseforp]

No I've never met Ray Bright, and it was a paddle pop, not a sunny boy.
I once saw Geoff Dymock on an aeroplane. I enjoyed watching him bowl (on the cricket field, not on the plane).
As for the question of issues, I have more of those than the New York Times, as indicated by my cantankerous rants here and elsewhere.
One of those issues is the "compensatory beard", i.e. as head hair decreases, some men compensate by growing beards ; Ray Bright had a bit of a pate, but I don't think he quite came into the compensatory beard category.