HUM DONGER

Gold. Who says Bert Newton is past it? 

Families fume at Bert's smut

Newton asked a young female contestant to name a gift that was hard to return.

"This is a pretty filthy answer, but it's all I can think of and there's dirty people in your audience," the woman said. "So I'm going to go with vibrator."

Newton then made a series of vibrator jokes.

"I can hear a hum of some kind," he said before telling the woman to check her trousers.

Newton then asked the contestant's sister if she wanted "to get down and dirty" and, while hugging the woman, said: "I think you may have left your motor running."

Ok, so that's not his best gear. Dirty Berty showcased better material back when his hair and face were his own. But it's funnier than anything a family group spokesperson is likely to come up with.

~~ "Knock, knock."
~~ "Who's there?"
~~ "Family Services. We've come to take your children."

To think Nine are axing Family Feud. They should replace it with Family Fume, a show in which nanny-state outragists are asked to come on down to see who can come on up with the windbaggiest professional complaint.

Comments

[Tony T.]

And just where are the contestants coming on down from?

The affront row.

Ooo, that's good, me.

[Scott Wickstein]

Tony's on fire, kicking goals!

[nick]

So, more complaints about Bert's words than his son's actions? H(u)mm.

[nick]

Pity Tony wasn't in the forward line for the Crows. 8-(

[Tony T.]

It looks like I WAS in the Roos forward line.

(And in the Japan back line.)

[a non bone]

"Survey said: 17" ;-)

[Professor Rosseforp]

Maybe it's a Melbourne thing to find Bert amusing, but I can't recall ever having heard say anything that was even mildly risible. Same goes for his defunct sidekick, Graham Kennedy.
The sooner television stops showing nostalgic glimpses of Gragra in an exploding desk, Gragra cacking himself over a urinating canine, and Bert stuffing the country's race relations with "I like the boy", the better.
If I ever have to watch Bert, I prefer him in his more laid-back "sincere" mode, where he is not constantly mugging for the camera, with expressions copped from old Benny Hill footage.
I'm sorry, I don't like the boy.

[Tony T.]

People like Bert because he stacks up by comparison. I mean, if he's not funny, no one is.

Except Daryl Sommers.

Bert: A Survey said: "17 people were asked 'Who are the funniest hosts on Aussie telly?'"

Contestant: "You on 20-1?"

Bert: "No."

[Bwca]

1. if you knew the actual details of the argument between Matt and Brooke, and details of the actual physical component, you would be able to assess more accurately the ability of The Press to confabulate and conflagrate in order to get attention for themselves.

2. Newton The Elder is beyond all of the above - he has endured, and so is a monument.
(endured - def: kept head up in the cesspool that is melbourne television)

3. prediction: lauren & matt welsh will have twins.