FLAGPIES?

Conventional wisdom has Geelong a certainty for this year's premiership. While Collingwood, after struggling to beat West Coast in a sapping thriller at Subiaco, will be cannon fodder for the all-conquering Catters in this Friday's Preliminary Final.

Not so.

Here's something I wrote at Demonland back in July:

What hurts me, more than anything, is not that we've missed our window of opportunity, it's WHO we've lost it to.

Sure, we haven't been quite good enough to consider ourselves a solid chance, but for several years now we've been told all we need to do to win a flag is keep presenting as a top four prospect. The more often we were up with the top teams, the more likelihood there was we'd be a chance to snag a flag. Just as long as we continued to make the finals.

Now, this year. First we tinker with our style. Instead of fine-tuning last year's style, we tried the run-and-carry. Sure, it was supposed to augment our original game plan, not supersede it, but either way it's been a flop. It was apparent from the first quarter of Round 1 when St Kilda had nine scoring shots to our seven (and numerous OOFs) that we were in deep doo-doo for 2007. We just weren't tough enough to carry the ball into crowded areas and keep hold of it. That was followed by a shed load of injuries, starting with Brocky, our most important mid-fielder, in the second quarter of Round 1.

So, just as we think we might be well placed to challenge for the top four, just as we think this could be our year, just as we get out hopes up, we're out of the running in a finals that are the most open they've been for years.

Out of the current eight, we are better than Hawthorn, Norf, Port and Footscray at our best. (We should have beaten three of them, anyway.) We'd need to be at our best to challenge the present Geelong, who are burning, but IT IS Geelong, the one team more painful to barrack for than Melbourne; surely, something will go wrong for the Catters. West Coast are struggling and despite their pantsing us in Perth, are vulnerable here. The Sydney Pinks are looming large again, but they are coming from a long way back. Adelaide seem to be timing their run better than last year, but they aren't as imposing as they were at times last year. That leaves Collingwood. Malthouse coaches his teams to win finals. Should the Poys get a break in the finals they will be a major threat. Tony Shaw was right to say they could pinch it.

But are we at our best? Are we F**K! And where are we? Virtually stone motherless last and out of the bloody race.

You know what I won't be doing this September? Watching football. To have any of those sides scum a flag in the year we decide to go backwards will be too painful for words. Collingwood for obvious reasons. Sydney because the AFL granted them a flag in 2005 with the Hall decision (just compare that joke with Davey's last night). Hawthorn, North and Port because they aren't good enough to deserve one. Geelong and Footscray because that will mean we are one team closer to the team with the longest premiership drought. Adelaide because in their 16 year history luck has already granted them TWO flags.

The only less-painful-than-the-rest option is the side that will never stop, stop, stop til they're top, top, top, because I don't know even one Port fan.

Well, OK I lied. I watched last night and I'm glad I did, it was a thriller. But Collingwood's win in Perth also had me thinking ominous thoughts about the Poys winning this year's flag.

Historians may cite the 1980 Preliminary Final when Collingwood, who finished the home-and-away season fifth, beat Geelong by 4 points. They may recall the 1981 Preliminary Final when Garry Sidebottom missed the bus to Waverley and Collingwood beat Geelong by 7 points. They might even go so far back as 1953 when Collingwood were able to stop Geelong's record run of 23 wins. They also beat Geelong in that year's Grand Final to stop the Catters going back-to-back. Although "back-to-back" wasn't around in the days before Australian sports commentators discovered America.

There's also 1990. That year the Collingwoods, as we sadly remember, went on to win the flag after they drew with West Coast in the Qualifying Final. Suma Magic pressure-bunnied an easy shot to cause a replay. Last night Andrew Embley missed an, admittedly harder, shot to "draw" the game and force the extra time that's been in the rule book since that 1990 QF. We'll let Glass off the hook; he's a backman, after all.

(We won't let David Wirrpanda off the hook. He dropped a sitter chest mark to allow Collingwood back into the game. Then later fluffed a one-handed pick-up on the half-forward flank that would have enabled him a clear charge into the forward line. It was reminiscent of the 2005 Grand Final when he squibbed the contest that allowed Amon Buchanan to kick the winner.)

There is a school of thought that blue collar, hard nosed Collingwood will always beat countrified, flash Geelong when it matters. There's something in that. Tough sides are always the ones I'll have my money on in the finals. You've only got to look at most of the last, say, 25 years, when the physically imposing side is the one that's won the flag nearly every year.

Look at the 2002 and 2003 final series. On both occasions Malthouse had the Pies smothering, space-clogging game at its peak. It was a pity for them - but not for the rest of us - that they met powerhouse Brisbane in each Grand Final. That game plan is working again this year. They've suffocated both Sydney and West Coast and then stung both on the break. And neither Port nor Geelong are as good a bet as Brisbane 2002/2003.

Look, too, to when the Poys played Geelong at the MCG this year. They were probably outplayed, but still had their chances to win as they hung on for an ... ahem ... honourable loss.

They can reverse that result next Friday night. Had Geelong played West Coast, they would have smashed them. Collingwood is different. It won't be the Geelong cakewalk many people think, it will be a tightly fought, in-close, pressure game where Collingwood will do everything they can to choke up Geelong's run through the middle.

Sure, the Cats have been magnificent most of the year, and most every unaligned punter has them as favourite. Sportingbet has Geelong $1.60 for the flag and Collingwood at $6.00. But, like I wrote above, Geelong, more than any other team, is likely to give its fans grief. Get your hard earned magic beans on Collingwood. And don't forget to enjoy the traditional AFL fantasy game: 100 Gorillas. You know, counting the number of times the media say the crowd will be 100,000. I say 57.

Then, if the Pies beat Geelong, they are for me, a monty to beat Port, who I think will beat whoever they play in the other Preliminary Final in Addle-aide.

PS: In the pursuit of full disclosure, I also post this comment that I made this morning at Demonland:

Well done Collingwood! You knocked those cocky eagles off their perch. Living in Perth as a loyal Victorian, I love to hear those one-eyed Eagles fans moaning about their loss or suddenly losing all interest in footy. You have got to live over here to experience it.

~~ Bobby Mckenzie

I second, third AND fourth Bobby Mac.

Having lived in Western Australia for 15 years, there is no doubt WC fans are the most cocky and obnoxious fans in the league. Why do you think Dockers tragic, Matt Price, spends countless column inches caning the Eagles? He knows how nauseating WC fans are. Think smug Carlton fans at their worst and triple it.

For a Melbourne fan living in isolated Perth - who, by the way, was introduced everywhere as "Meet, Tony, he's a Victorian" like I'd killed their dog - it was dead set unbearable.

Chuck in the fact that, with only only two teams in Perth, there is saturation coverage in the papers, on the telly and on the radio. You just can't escape it. What's more, I was there when there was only the Eagles, no Dockers. West Coast dominated the news bulletins (not just the sports sections, either) and West Coast players read the weather, hosted sports reports, had jobs as sports reporters, wrote newspaper columns, did the Lotto numbers and were in too many ads to remember. It was just a nightmare.

Worst of all, though, is the hard-done-by attitude of the West Coast fans. They will not concede they enjoy even the slightest advantages. It's "we get nothing!" everywhere you go.

Bobby Mac, you want to know the best way to get a rise out of the Eagles fans? First remind them that the AFL (VFL as it was then) virtually gave them two premierships with early draft concessions. Rub it in that Victorian clubs were prohibited from drafting in WA. Razz them about their home ground advantage while casually shrugging off their pathetic travel excuse. Tell them they've ONLY won three flags when they should have won at least six.

In short, tell them they are under-achievers.

That said, I still have many West Aussie friends (maybe not so many if they read this) and now I'm back in Melbourne, away from the WA nightmare, and surrounded instead by cretinous, band-wagoning Collingwood fans. Despite having a long held animosity to West Coast, I don't subscribe to the Victorian media-driven idea that the interstate clubs are evil interlopers. I would rather Port win the flag than Richmond; I would rather Sydney win than Essendon; and yes, I would rather West Coast win than Collingwood. What's more, I think the Poys will beat Geelong. It is Geelong after all; heartbreak awaits. That means Collingwood will play in the Grand Final and because they will probably play Port, they will win. Repeat that: Collingwood will win the Grand Final. Sounds hideous, doesn't it?

As that noted football expert, Dr Zachary Smith, was wont to exclaim "Ohhh, the pain."

Comments

[Tony T.]

Was Glass half fit or half unfit?

[Tony T.]

More on the West Coast fans. Hinds doesn't go in hard enough for me. Nevertheless:

Zealotry of West Coast fans isn't for the birds

THE AFL is a national competition, but the atmosphere is distinctly different as you cross borders.

In Melbourne, there are the spiteful suburban rivalries that mean fans take as much satisfaction from a hated "neighbour's" defeat as from their own club's victory.

South Australians froth at the mouth at perceived injustices and anti-Adelaide conspiracies — all of them the work of despised Victorians.

There is the happy-clapping of Sydney fans, who live by the success of the Swans, but still don't quite die by it.

In sunny Brisbane, there is the constant murmur broken by the occasional roar — much like when a wicket falls in a Test.

And, at Subiaco, there is the zealotry of West Coast fans whose unshakable faith in their team's innate superiority can make you feel as if you are at a political rally in a totalitarian state rather than at a football match. Eagles Uber Alles.

Read on.

[nick]

If Collingwood beat Geelong (about as likely as Rudd not winning, sadly), Port will thump them in the final. I will then move to Melbourne until season 2008 starts, with the money I will win by backing Port. I did the same in 2004. When Port won, I collected $$$. If Port had lost, it would have been worth it.

ps Perhaps the Crows and Demons could team up and kick each other in the ass...for squandering a year when they both should have been involved deep into the ridiculously named Septopia.

[nick]

pps I see your Mozz and raise.

[Tony T.]

Definitely a mozz. I'd much rather Geelong win, but it's just as definitely a gut feeling. If a definite gut feeling is possible.

Labor are dead certs.

[Tony T.]

Collingwood fans have a brilliant nickname for Tyson Goldsack, who has done a sterling job this season in defence: Fort Nuts.

[pat]

"'Forward, the Light Brigade!
Charge for the guns' he said:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred. "

It is with much sadness I wear the Blue and Gold, flags over the glass doors, and streamers gently waving. The mrs says I lack faith, but I know bitter truth. Even though the guilotine beckons I wear the Blue and the Gold and say "C'mon Parra, go you bastards. Do me proud."

[pat]

"Because I do not hope to turn again
Because I do not hope
Because I do not hope to turn
Desiring this man’s gift and that man’s scope
I no longer strive to strive towards such things"

Parra leading 12-6 at half time but it is not enough. The Bulldog cunts will draw the ref to even up the count. Mama Mary, Pray for us. No distastro, I beseech thee. C'mon Eels. Do it for me. For God, Queen, Convict Ancestry and Me!

[Tony T.]

Pat, sounds like you're channelling the 1998 semi-final.

[pat]

Go you mighty Eels, Mama Mary has prayed for thee. Although I did not hope to turn you reached around and smothered me. Intoxicated by your backline efferbescence, I drank it in and savoured - VICTORY!. Go you Eels. C'mon the Mighty Parrra , clap clap clap Parra, clap clap clap...The mighty Fucking Eels. Blue and Gold Forever.

"I caught this morning morning's minion, king-
dom of daylight's dauphin, dapple-dawn-drawn Falcon, in his riding
Of the rolling level underneath him steady air, and striding
High there, how he rung upon the rein of a wimpling wing
In his ecstasy! then off, off forth on swing,
As a skate's heel sweeps smooth on a bow-bend: the hurl and gliding
Rebuffed the big wind. My heart in hiding
Stirred for a bird, - the achieve of, the mastery of the thing!"

GO YOU MIGHTY FUCKING EELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Scott Wickstein]

I wish I had your faith in Collingwood, Tony, but IF Port get over Norf, they'll probably knock off the poys. And another Port premiership would be unbearable.

Mind you, Port have a shocking record against Norf so the Prelim final is no certainty for Port.

[Scott Wickstein]

Who the fuck are the Eels, anyway?

[pat]

Here's the list of LOVE YOU's:

Love YOU:

Gordon Tallis.

Warren Ryan.

Canterbury.

[Edited by Tony.]

[pat]

The biggest LOVE YOU must go to Steve Folkes: You looked great in grid-iron shoulder pads when you smashed the Eels in '84. We just weren't good enough on the day. SMOOCHIES.

[Edited by Tony.]

[pat]

Love you Canterbury doggies. Woof. Woof.

[Edited by Tony.]

[pat]

The "I reckon you're pretty good even though I don't barrack for you" list:

Sonny Bill Williams.

The entire Bulldogs forawrd pack.

Mason.

Perry and Hughes.

Hazim El Magic.

Patton.

The entire Bulldgs team base.

[Edited by Tony.]

[Vindicate]

...and I thought AFL barrackers were passionate!

[Scott Wickstein]

I still don't know who the Eels are, but nevermind....

[pat]

Whoa! Got a bit carried away there. Sorry about that one and all. Please ignore me I'm just not used to winning.

Scott, the Eels are the Parramatta Rugby League team. Our number one despised enemy is the Bulldogs which contributed to my above insanity.

[tONY]

Geelong. Collingwood won't beat them, and nor will Port. In fact, I think they will flog both of them, and it will be back to dull grand finals.

Then again, I'm a St Kilda supporter who thinks Howard's still a chance.

[Tony T.]

You might just notice some changes to comments up there. On the off chance you missed them, they are marked [Edited by Tony.].

These redactions are certainly reflective of the litigious nature of modern society, but more importantly, they reflect Pat's sudden, newfound and unalloyed affection for the Canterbury Bulldogs, their players, coaching staff, officials and fans.

[Tony T.]

Go Storm!

[pat]

Tony, you are a gentleman. If you could also erase all evidence from Google cache that too would be appreciated. Mon Dieu, talk about wake in fright!

I knew I had issues with the Bulldogs but never realised just how profoundly disturbing they are. Hoowee, sorry about that. I'm off for a week of quiet self-reflection.

[carneagles]

Tony, it's not the best idea to base your opinions on what you saw fifteen years ago. Next thing you know, you'll be buying MC Hammer CDs and parachute pants.

[Tony T.]

Granted it's a while since I lived there, but that doesn't mean I'm suddenly out of touch, or that WA is suddenly any less parochial about footy.

Coincidentally, out of the 50-odd text messages I send or receive during every WC or Wanchor match, the last was "When the siren goes be sure you wave bye to Juddy".

[os]

"Why do you think Dockers tragic, Matt Price, spends countless column inches caning the Eagles? He knows how nauseating WC fans are."

The reason Matt does this and the Freo supporters chime in is because they have this chip-on-the-shoulder, half-arsed, class-based, pathetic, infantile hatred of the Eagles FC, who they know deep down are better than they are.

How else can we explain why they can get themselves into a berserker rage twice a year to play the Eagles, only then realising their true winning potential, when the rest of the time they play like squealers?

They all need to grow up and develop a mature, deadly focussed hatred like WCE have for all their opponents.

Now wonder you all hate us, we frighten you.

And well done Collingwood.

I'm philosphical. Here's one for Pat ...

I HAVE desired to go
Where springs not fail,
To fields where flies no sharp and sided hail
And a few lilies blow.

And I have asked to be
Where no storms come,
Where the green swell is in the havens dumb,
And out of the swing of the sea.

Last word on Benny. I objected to the stupid, endless focus on this issue because I saw it more as a young man in big, big trouble - fighting addiction is no picnic and he will be figthing it for every day of the rest of his life. I admire his guts in winning the fight, and running out onto a footy field in front of the scrutiny of 40,000+ people every weekend and not wimpering like a baby in a dark corner.

[carneagles]

I can remember what Perth was like during the 1991-94 finals. I have, in the study somewhere, a videotape of collected excerpts from the 1992 coverage, including the '92 victory celebrations. Even today, it's a cringeworthy watch.

The aftermath of the 2006 flag wasn't a patch on what happened then.

I know that a lot of people lay the blame for killing State of Origin at Mick Malthouse's feet. Personally, I like to blame that deformed hideous beast called the Allies but, to be honest, probably the biggest reason why SoO died out over here in the West is that there just isn't that insanely xenophobic hatred for all things Victoria that I so clearly remember - and, yes, participated in - in the late 80's and early '90s. The sort of hatred that got John Todd a coaching gig when, as one wag once commented, his entire gameplan revolved around sending the Eagles out to play Victoria every week.

Besides, Melbourne's a kickarse fun town. What's to hate?

[ThirdCat]

If Port beat the Kangaroos they will win the Big One. I will be happy, though whatever the result, the Crows can't win and that's very important to me.

[John_R]

Os, you misunderstand Docker supporters. We KNOW the gulls are a good side; we can even appreciate that they may be better than Freo. What we detest is the smug, elder-brother, pat-on-the-head condescension from Eagles fans whom we wouldn't cross the road to piss on if they were on fire.

[os]

That's because your piss is so full of Rebel Yell you'd turn into a flame thrower:-)

[tONY]

So, now the lineup's settled, TT, who're you backing in?

[Tony T.]

Let me think about it overnight, tONE.