After Grog Blog

HOLY SHIT-FIGHT!

How did I miss this?

Naturally everyone's firing up. Shitty kids coming over all righteous, an exploding Monsignor making a complete idiot of himself and then apologizing profusely, indignant supporters on both sides, and where there's a public rumpus there's always a professional outragist just a harumpf away.

You can't buy that kind of entertainment.

Reverend Monsignor Geoffrey Baron approaches skaters outside St Patrick's Cathedral.
Baron (pointing away from cathedral): Move.
Skater (off-camera): Do we have to go?
Baron: Move.
Skater: Yes or no?
Baron: Now. Now. Off the property.

Next scene.
Baron: Get off the property.
(Baron appears to smack a skater across the head.) Get off the property.
(Gasps, laughter, voices)
Skater (off-camera, to Baron): Calm down mate.
Skater (struck across head): Oh, you f...ing c... Oh, what the f... I'm gonna f... you up.
Baron: Move. Move.
Skater: We're going.

Next scene
Baron: Get off the property you f...ing c...s. Get back to where you come from you - fool. You don't belong in Australia.
Skater (off-camera): Stop being a f...in' racist p...., ya f...in' faggot.
Baron: You don't belong here.
Skater: Don't touch me, you p....
Baron: Get off the property. Move, you f...ing fool.
Skater: Are you a priest? Are you a priest? What sort of a priest is racist? What type of priest is racist? Second skater: Calm down mate.
Baron: Get off the property you f...ing fool.

Next scene
On the footpath outside cathedral:
Baron (pointing to a skater on footpath): Little foreigner there, look at the sleepy eyes, black hair, sleepy eyes.
(Baron waves as a bottle appears to be thrown near his head)
Skater: At least he's got hair, you f...in' bald p....
Baron: Look at you, four-eyes.
Skater: Oh, you're a joke, f...head faggot.
Baron: Fool. Fool.
Second skater: Why don't you calm down, just calm down.
Baron: F...ing c... Get off the property.

BLOKEATION BLOKEATION BLOKEATION

Assiduous research has led me to discover the source of the housing affordability crisis: footballers. Most every time you pick up a weekend paper you are faced with yet another young bloke with a wad of cash set make a killing on something he bought three years ago, trade up from South Yarra to Toorak or develop an empty block into apartments or a golf course. Just recently I read how one player was cashing in his sixth house in Richmond because he wanted to free up some wonga to buy bigger & better elsewhere.

In the good old days, players blew their under-the-table, brown paper bag payments on booze, pubs, newsagencies and the nags; now, savvy managers encourage players to fine-tune their real-estate portfolio with a bent to setting themselves up post footy.

Who said things change for the better?

BRACKS RE-SIGNS

Sorry, a bit of a Tim Webster moment; "Bracks resigns."

MATTY ARBUCKLE

Reading about Matthew Newton in today's Green Guide, I couldn't help but think of the former Hollywood comedian, Roscoe "Fatty" Arbuckle: Celebrity gets pissed up, assaults girl, gets a verdict most everyone thinks sucks.

It remains to be seen whether Newton ends up a pisshead, his career in the toilet and dead at 46, but there's always time.

Court of public opinion judges Matt Newton

FOR entertainer Matthew Newton, a district court judge has proven far more merciful than the cut-throat world of commercial radio.

Newton's conviction for assaulting his former partner, actress Brooke Satchwell, was quashed last week, but he needs more than a good legal team to get another chance on drive radio in Melbourne.

The son of television legends Bert and Patti needs to win forgiveness from the toughest judges in town - radio listeners.

Although, with all the push-up merchants, shills and suck-ups in the media it's hard to imagine someone won't get on board Newton Inc. to help the little twerp rescusitate his career.

BEFORE YOU COULD SAY JACQUES ROBINSON

"Mark Waugh is batting beautifully. He looks set for another ... oops ... it's Club Groggo."

I should have known better; AGB was down for around four hours this morning. And just look who was the last person to comment before the outage.

HAVE YOU DRIVEN A BLUE OVAL LATELY?

Last week a Channel Ten hack stood outside Ford Geelong, and working hard to look concerned, reported on the shutdown of The Blue Oval. The Blue Oval? Apart from sounding completely stupid, he said it like it was a famous nickname, up there with the Big Australian, Maccas or the Wickham Chew & Spew. And why wouldn't he. Odd that I didn't know that, when you consider I drive a Ford and even worked there.

In related, late, breaking car news: I saw a cop reverse park.

GIMME DAT KERCHING!

I am struggling. I have to pay for renovations to my house, but no Araldite! If you're an AGB tragic, please consider chipping in a few dollars or I will continue to blog. Click here to find out more. Donors: Not even one, you tight-arses. Known Raised: $Rock.All Still at the minimum, see, but every extra cent helps me get nicer stuff -- a can of leak-sealer spray, one of those bathroom lights that gets hot, and because I'm a wanker, a basin that sits on the bench. So please donate!

PLAY D'OH!

Tuesday night, for a change, we went to a different trivia venue. We won't be back. Various reasons - "Duke Kan ... a ... kana ... moka ... oh, whatever! was a pioneer in which sport?" Pox music. Only 25 questions in two hours - but the baked confection was pilfered by the following question:

"True or False: Samuel Beckett wrote Waiting For Go Dot"

PAROLLING THE DICE

Tonight at Crown Casino in Melbourne, the AFL is hosting its annual Hall of Fame induction dinner. Meanwhile, last night at Burswood Casino in Perth, Jeff Farmer put in another bid for induction into the AFL Hall of Infame.

Farmer under police investigation

Fremantle Dockers forward Jeff Farmer is being investigated by police in Perth over an incident at the Burswood Casino on Wednesday night.

Police received a complaint this morning from the owner of a car which was damaged in a car park at the casino last night, but it is unclear whether Farmer knew the owner of the vehicle.

WORLD'S BESS PRACTICE vs. SCHLOCK TUDOR

Just watched The Virgin Queen, a 2005 Beeb mini series starring Anne Marie Duff. It was pretty reasonable viewing, and was certainly much better than a great deal of the Elizabethan gear that's been on film and telly.

Not that there's much point comparing The Virgin Queen with something like Young Bess. You need to compare a granny smith with a golden delicious. Comparing The Virgin Queen with Young Bess is more like comparing a granny smith with Gwanny, Tweety Pie's sometime owner. One is a British mini series, the other is an MGM 50s frock fest.

Best bet would be to compare it with HBO's Elizabeth I starring Helen Mirren, which was also made in 2005 and was recently on someone's ABC.

First off, I'd actually heard of Elizabeth I. The ABC gave it a shed load of publicity, whereas I discovered The Virgin Queen about five minutes before it started last Tuesday on Foxtel.

Second, Elizabeth I was rubbish. Her Majesty Mirren strolled the role, doing what was expected of her and rock all more, while Anne Marie Duff, someone I'd never previously heard of, invested the role with real character. It probably helped, too, that they grubbied her up. Scabby legs and face, lank hair, green-brown tombstone teeth; you could almost smell her.

Third, the main support character in both shows was the Earl of Leicester, Robert Dudley. In The Virgin Queen he was played by Tom Hardy, while in Elizabeth I it was Jeremy Irons. Hardy wins hands down with his measured, slightly cheeky performance. Irons, on the other hand, must have thought he was in a pirate movie, poncing around like Geoffrey Rush at full schtick.

Fourth, and too often neglected, The Virgin Queen support cast was leagues clear of the one in Elizabeth I. You actually realised there were other actors in The Virgin Queen, most notably Ian Hart as William Cecil, whereas they may as well have been drawn into Elizabeth I like its clunky backdrop. I'm not saying The Virgin Queen was a paragon of set decoration, but it was much better than Elizabeth I which reminded me of Dr Who circa 1979.

Then again, maybe I could compare it with Aussie Cate's Elizabeth, but then I'd have to put up with you going "she should have won the Oscar" or some such rot. Yeah, it was ok, but naaa. (Aussie Cate redoes Bess in The Golden Age.)

Or a summer's day...

I'm a big wrap for HBO, but maybe they should stick to American shows and leave the British to the British. The Sopranos, Deadwood and The Wire are three of the best television shows that have ever been made, but the two HBO co-productions I've seen, Elizabeth I and Rome are duds.

Nope, if you need your fill of Elizabethan historical drama, forget Elizabeth I and Elizabeth, and instead check out The Virgin Queen and  Elizabeth R, the series from the 1970s.

RED LETTER DAY

Via Collins commented on a recent crossword conquest: "Can't help think showing a completed cryptic on a blog is vaguely in the 'getting a root and going down the pub and telling your mates about it' category".

He's right; up to a point.

Showing a completed cryptic on a blog, when the grid has been fucked up, completely transcends boorish pub skyting. It's all class.

It's also a matter of record which SHOULD be posted on a blog, and probably linked to by megablogs - Instawhatsit, Huffington Puff, Two Boings and Little Green Crosswords - so the whole world can bask in my aura.

"Ooo, vicar! My aura, indeed."

MELBOURNE I

Speaking of I, not me, do you recall the rumpus between Tim Blair and LP about the frequency of the perpendicular pronoun? Tim had a point that an LP post overdid the I, but probably overstated his case. LP hivers in turn overdid each other bashing out I-jokes.

If you ask me, too many Is do look stupid. I said, I did, I reckon, I read - I think it's all a bit much.

However, it's possible to go too far the other way. Get a load of this opening paragraph from Mark "Robbo" Robinson in today's Herald Sun.

Might be wrong, but have a sneaking feeling the association between the legend that is Kevin Sheedy and Essendon might end in tears.

Might be wrong, but have a sneaking feeling Robbo (the bald fatty on Footy Confidential) might be trying bolster his point, surrepticiously trying to turn a personal opinion into something more significant.

CLOGGING FOR CARROT: ON THE BOOS

The grate day is imminent: "CRICKET'S most controversial bowler, Muthiah Muralidaran, could have the last laugh on the crowds who have delighted in tormenting him by eclipsing Shane Warne's world record in Australia this summer."

The last laugh? That all depends on how you look at it.

Concessions to the contrary - "I don't know how much I will get to bowl in Australia because our fast bowlers could grab most of the wickets." - the chances are Murali will break Warne's record in Australia. Sure, he has piss poor figures here, but he only needs eight poles (yes, I hate that word, too) in two Tests and although we're not Bangladesh he's going to bowl the majority of Shree overs.

Queensland's the state with the highest per-capita pisshead ratio in the country (I've seen the research), so I'd prefer to see him break the record in the first Test at the Gabba. The crowd there would give him a bigger razzing than the crowd in the second Test at Bellerive where the punters are a little more genteel and a little less numerous than elsewhere in Wide Brown Land.

Pity he won't break the record in Melbourne, Warne's hometown, where 80,000 disgruntled Melburnians could give him a right old bollocking. As well as bring out the very worst in bombastic reportage.

MOD SQUAD

Nick Bracks' Saab wasn't the only thing modified on the weekend. The Saturday papers fell over their adjectives to describe it as old or second-hand. Why? A Saab is still a Saab.

The Australian: "The back-seat of the family's now-battered second-hand Saab was stained with blood following the crash."

The Age:  "Several hours later he 'stupidly' got behind the wheel of the family's second-hand Saab 'to go to the shops'."

The Herald Sun: "The black Saab, an old family car given to Nick by his parents, will not be covered by insurance because of Nick's drunken condition."

BULL

Yesterday's Age editorial:

Taurus: This weekend's for enjoying home and whoever you consider family. For remembering those in war zones, transit camps or Guantanamo Bay who don't have your good fortune, and helping when you can.

Wrong. Well, alright, this weekend I'm all about enjoyment, home and family. But the rest can get well and truly stuffed.

And Sagittarius says I'm currently enduring a "climate of moods, power sulking and unreasonable behaviour". So that's wrong, too.

JUST BETWEEN YOU AND MEME

Nosey Noreen Bile wants to know eight things about me.

1. There is no restaurant meal that I can't improve with Tobasco sauce.

2. I find the combination of quotation marks and commas - Daniel Johns said "I smoked dope with Garrett", but he was skyting joking - untidy.

3. I used to barrack for Carlton.

4. I always call other drivers mush (as in push) if they do something stupid in traffic.

5. Out of a half hour lunch break, I used to drive ten minutes to, and ten minutes back from an Asian stall at the Airport West food court; for their brussel sprouts.

6. I once got in a punch-up at a new year's eve party while wearing a pink gown. It wasn't a gay thing, either, it was over football.

7. I always watch the television with the volume on an even number.

8. The glugging noise of a liquid being poured into a mug or glass from a pot or bottle makes me want to run from a room screaming. Fortunately I have excellent self-control.

I know Boynton wants to pick up this meme. And TimT. And FX Holden. And Amanda. Nabakov would, too, if he had a blog. So would Christopher Wayne Hudson, but he's in jail.

CONSISTENTLY INCONSISTENT

Last year Keith Stackpole wrote that Murali is a chucker: "If I had been on the international Cricket Council's sub-committee that assessed Muthiah Muralidaran's action years ago, he would not be playing today." Then wrote: he "should be recognised for his considerable achievements." In other words, he cheats, but so what.

Sunday, for some reason, he felt the need to reiterate; welcoming Murali to Straya and hoping we do likewise.

Murali heads our way

DESPITE the criticism Muthiah Muralidaran has endured over the years, particularly in Australia, it's great the star spinner has said he will tour this summer.
But Cricket Australia will be on the edge until he gets off the plane because he has pulled out of Australian tours before.
In fact, despite a long and remarkable career Murali has only played two Tests for Sri Lanka on Australian shores -- in 1995.
He took 3-348 in that series and Australia hasn't seen the best of this gifted spinner, except on TV.
The ice was broken two years ago when he came to play a Test for the World XI and played some one-dayers. He is closing in quickly on Shane Warne's world record of 708 wickets and it is likely he could break the record in the second Test at Bellerive in Tasmania.
He is having a ball at the moment against Bangladesh having taken 14 wickets at 14.29 in the first two Tests and has the third to play in Kandy and only trails Warne by 20.
Whenever you talk about a record that will never be broken you are always tempting fate.
But there are three records I think will never be broken.
The first is Jim Laker's, who took 19 wickets in a Test match for England against Australia in 1956 at Old Trafford.
Bradman's overall Test average of 99.94; and whatever number of wickets Muralidaran ends up with, I doubt it will ever be broken.
He is 35 and could play another five years. People laughed at Warne suggesting Muralidaran could break the 1000-barrier, but there is no reason, with the amount of Test cricket played today, he could not achieve that remarkable target.
When you analyse the two spinners, the Aussie spinner probably had better bowlers in front of him such as Glenn McGrath, Merv Hughes and Jason Gillespie, but they also ate into his wicket-taking potential.
But with Sri Lanka light on for bowlers, only paceman Chaminda Vaas has taken the limelight away from Murali.
Murali has taken 58 five-wicket hauls compared with Warne's 35 and on 19 occasions has taken 10 or more in a match compared with Warne's 10.
Also Murali's strike and economy rate eclipses the great Aussie leg spinner.
But having said that, there is no doubt Warne has plied his trade against far stronger opposition.
However, we must acknowledge Murali has been a first-class spinner who has proven time and time again he belongs on the world stage.
He is a gutsy bowler. But I hope I don't see another bowler with a similar action otherwise the game will talked about for all the wrong reasons.
If he does break the record in Australia I hope our fans show their appreciation and acknowledge his fine contribution to the game.

Personally, I hope our fans show contempt, not appreciation. How much contempt? Well, I'd expect Aussie punters to rate high on the chuckanista contempo-meter, with assorted pundits harumpfing about our awful behaviour. And I DEMAND nothing less than complete contempt from Spanky - "Australia crowds are a disgrace." Result.

Interesting, too, that Stacky mentions the Tsunami match. Chris Cairns (I think) was pounding the bowlers when Murali unleashed a doosra to get Cairns stumped. Not so strange, you say, except the doosra was banned at the time. Doubtless, Murali, in a cynical attempt to stop the pounding threw in the doosra to surprise the big Kiwi blouser.

There were rock all complaints, just minor static that it was a one-off in a charity match, so what did it matter.

Disturbingly, the same thing happened in the recent Twenty/20 at The Oval. Mark at the excellent RSM writes that Marlon Samuels was getting tonked, so, just like Murali's doosra ploy, Samuels fired in "one of the most dubious deliveries seen in an international match" to skittle Paul Collingwood. (You just know it's "blatant cheating" when Mark cites the Telegraph.)

Official cant has always been that if someone was stupid enough to try a super-dodgy delivery in any match, the umpire is still free to call it.

Did Marlon get called? Did he fuck.

Worse, "the Sky commentators TOTALLY ignored" it. But there's no surprise in that, is there. Too many of those that matter (couldn't think of a better term) keep shtum on chucking. Until they are prepared to acknowledge the enormous, leather-skinned herbivore in the room, the one with the flappy ears and the trunk, then most everything else they say should be taken with a salty grain. They are hopelessly compromised.

Unless commentators are prepared to call it as they see it, it can only be a matter of time until someone unleashes a chuck at a crucial point in a Test match.

GESTURE POLLYTICS

WHO ARE THEY NOW?

Ask Melankoshy.

IT'S A BLOCKOUT!

There are games, and then there are games.

(Via Tex)

Mrs SQUIGGLES

A conversation was had:

TT: "I see Jana is going by her married name Rawlinson."

Boynton: "I prefer Pittman."

TT: "Pittman is shorthand for Rawlinson."

You gotta admit - that's gold.

THE TALK OF THE TOWN

Alan Didak's been big news in Victoria, and here's another fine article in The Age on his Awful Big Adventure. This time, just in case you can't be bothered reading the whole article, they've included a pictorial timeline of Didak's jaunt through Melbourne, that's Melbourne.

DIC HEADS

It's coming up two years and still those swine at The Australian haven't picked my entry out of the bag/hat/barrel.

They must be biased to contestants called Peggy and Beryl and Reg.

Or family members. Remember how competitions on cereal packets used to be accompanied by the disclaimer "Not available to relatives of Kellogg's employees". Well, I don't see any such rider here. How many Oz employees now own a shiny, new, unopened dictionary? I bet Rupert has one. Lachlan, too. Phillip Adams probably uses his to prop up a sarcophagus.

And how many punters do the crossword, anyway? Surely, just on the balance of numbers, my entry must be due.

I've a good mind to ring the crossword desk and give them the piece of my mind that doesn't do the crossword.

EVERY PICTURE TELLS A STORY

NICE

(Via Andy)

CELLS ANGEL

(Via DB)

AFTER GROG FLOGGED

(Via Aaron)

TRITE LINE FEVER

The latest footy cliché to step up to the plate: tick all boxes.

So, do you tick all boxes?

Long-term effects of cocaine:
■ Agitation and panic
■ Unpredictable, aggressive behaviour
■ Headache
■ Increased blood pressure and heart rate (after initial slowing)
■ Hypertension and irregular heart beat
■ Reduced appetite
■ Indifference to pain and localised pain relief.
■ Insomnia
■ Depression
■ Hallucinations
■ Anxiety, paranoia and psychosis
■ Eating disorders and weight loss
■ Sexual dysfunction
■ Sensitivity to light and sound
■ Cerebral atrophy (wasting of the brain) and impaired thinking

THE PIE-LD ONE

Oaf update! Melbourne crime guru Andrew Rule skewers the Magpie spin, then adds:

"This year it has been the Eagles in the news for the wrong reasons, but now it might be Collingwood's turn. Even before the Didak scandal settles down, another could be looming in Magpie land."

Wonder what scandal he means. Apart, that is, from yet another footballer having a lend of us with a 'prepared statement' masquerading as an apology.

PS: Any chance Ben Cousins will ever get his lawyer to prepare a statement over his appalling crimes against fashion? Especially that hat.