BAUX PAS

Ian Healy's air violin brings the memories flooding back. What's your favourite cricket gaffe?

X. Tony 'Par Avion' Grieg
L. Ian 'Fuckin' Chappell
C. Dean 'Bomber' Jones
D. Ian 'Boob Boo' Healy

Comments

[Tony.T]

After they won the toss (again - that's 5-1 this series) and batted, get your money on the Poms.

[Vindicate]

Get your money on the weather, I never wanna hear another Sydneysider blag off about Melbournes 4-in-1 seasons again.

[graboy]

Just took a look at the Sydney weather radar. Seems rain will set in in a few hours time so it might be one of those shambolic shortened affairs at best.

[Tony.T]

At this rate we'll need saving by the rain.

What a pathetic day it is when I write that.

[Tony.T]

Tubby: "What do we call that shot, Bill?"

Bill: "A Loy."

Tubby: "Or maybe a Hoy."

A Hoy? What sort of talk is that? Surely it's a HOIK which becomes a LOYK.

[nick]

Favorite Cricket Gaffe?

On air : Warney defending drug and bookie use on Parky.
Off air: Spanky's private lessons.

[Tony.T]

Those aren't gaffes, they're mission statements.

[Scott Wickstein]

Mission statements.. very good Tony.

Okay, we're doing better then the other night but its still not good enough.

[CB]

Drizzle be dammed! Oz to shellack a 48 over English total by the 32nd. I'm betting my next beer on it.

[Scott Wickstein]

Blimey, Charlie Brown, go easy on those beers...

[Scott Wickstein]

Dean Jones' gaffe was the best, anyway.

[nick]

Warney's web site will bring him into the modern age - with e-mission statements.

[CB]

Heals just said that it beggars belief that the umpires don't have a couple of balls in their pockets, ready to go. Or words to that effect.

Did Healy take a couple of quick balls to the head at the end of his career, or is it just something that happens when he's in the box? Ooh, saucy...

[Tony.T]

Heals is trying to disguise his gaffe with dumbness.

[nick]

New Best Gaffe :

That reverse sweep...

[Vindicate]

New best Gaffe:

That run out... nice work Nixon.

[Scott Wickstein]

Can you imagine being sledged by a bloke called Nixon?

Okay, a better performance by our guys in the second half of the English innings.

[nick]

The only way that hack Nixon will make the record books.

[Tony.T]

There was a guy on The Einstein Factor whose special subject was The Ashes. He was hopeless (700 out of a possible 1700 makes 800 worth of gaffes) and a smart-arse tool to boot.

[Tony.T]

Fark'n Flatty.

[Tony.T]

Ball's swinging around, Sydney chase at night, Straya no chance.

[Carrot]

Tony, upon seeing an oriental bride in a park ajoining a ground: "do you think she's been flown in from somewhere?"

[Tony.T]

Tony.T on hearing Tony.G commentating on Channel Nine: "do you think he's been flown in from somewhere?"

[Tony.T]

Revised target - 227 off 41.

Shafted by DuckyLoo? Dunno.

A side bet says the game get's washed out after the first ball of the 21st over with us one run behind the rate.

[Tony.T]

Deja fucking Vu. Gilly out. Game over.

Wonder what's on Fox Movies.

[nick]

1996 - losing the WC final to SL.
1997 - losing the 1 st Test to the poms.
1998 - losing in India.
2001 - losing a Test in England.
2001 - That series in India.
2002 - NZ tour of Aus.
2003 - India at Adelaide, and really, that whole series.
2006 - SA chasing 435 or so.
2007 - losing the CB series to Pies and Fluffers.

[Tony.T]

Foyle's War is about who killed a sheep. That's the way it looks, anyway.

There's also a guest actor called Gawn. Ironic, that, given Clarke's now out.

[nick]

I've expunged any memories of 05.

[Tony.T]

0 what?

[CB]

Yep, I'm now watching the marvellous creatures of the Great Asian Steppe. At least the prey is putting up a fight. Jersey swap during the rain delay. Cricketer of the Year, my hairy ort!

[Adam 1.0]

You've got to go for Greig don't you?

[Tony.T]

Rain Man is on Movie Greats. I'm counting on him living up to his name before the 20th over. Counting - geddit.

[Tony.T]

You know things are grim when Flinty starts doing that silly dance.

The way the season is petering to a conclusion you might think England are a better side. Farcical, I know.

[nick]

Maybe Punter will use the CB loss as motivation to charge through the WC undefeated?

[Tony.T]

Text from brother: "Paper Cut needs to step up." I'm not holding my breath.

[Tony.T]

Aussies are foxing it, Nick. Pulling a fast one. Lying doggo. Selling the dummy.

They are.

[Tony.T]

Ian Chappell: "Andrew Flintoff ought to say 'I wish the better bowlers would give us a challenge'."

Loves coaches, does Chappelli.

[Scott Wickstein]

Who can blame him?

What's Andrew Flintoff's favourite song?

"I can't stand the rain".

[CB]

Look, if they win, fair suck of the sav. Still praying for rain but. Doesn't look good on the old radar out to the east off sidder-knee.

[nick]

Aussies collapsing against the no. 7 ranked ODI team. Yarps destoying the no. 3 ranked team. Yarps paying $7 to win the WC. Hmm.

[CB]

Yeah, I folded like a cheap suit. The plight of the Tibetan fox didn't hold as much taut anticipation as the fate of the alleged numero uno cricket outfit on da globe.

[Vindicate]

Ok, I confess - it was ME, I did it!

Mr.Vindicate in the loungeroom with the mozz about 5 mins after the poms cleaned up the kiwis, the old man asked me how the final series works:

"Best of three matches, Melbourne, Sydney, Adelaide... but we won't need that last one."

[CB]

Do note the judicious use of "alleged". As in 'the alleged cricket captain led his alleged team of cricketing superstars to an allegedly remarkable and magnanimous victory'. This can also be applied to the soap-dodgers.

[Tony.T]

The punters have been on drugs lately. (Bit like the Poms - get out the swabs.) Australia were strong faves after England batted. Madness. Precisely how many teams have chased down 250 in Sydney at night? Precisely about not many.

[Scott Wickstein]

Yeah, hmmm indeed. You'd be feeling brave betting on the Aussies on this form. But it's a long way to Barbados yet.

[nick]

Look at the bats! Fatcat wasn't the only thing thinner in 1984!!

[Tony.T]

Bastards! They're removing the covers so I'll never find out who won that game against the Windies.

[Tony.T]

Well, you were right, Vindi.

[Scott Wickstein]

I don't spose more rain is too much to ask for? We need 211 off 33 overs according to Ducky Lewis.

[Tony.T]

DuckyLoo are English, aren't they.

Thought so.

[Mr Z]

Bah! I've had it with following these provincial competitions. Waste of bloody time.

[CB]

Can anyone provide a compelling argument why Watto is in this team?

[Tony.T]

Bill and The Dick keep talking about how good Paper Cut is, but I'm yet to see it.

[Tony.T]

I wonder if Foyle found out who killed the sheep.

[Scott Wickstein]

Paper Cut is okay. Not sure he can get us out of this shit hole but it's not his fault we're in this mess.

[Scott Wickstein]

Not his fault he got out to that catch either.

[CB]

As long as Elementary Man...oops, spoke too soon. We're screwed.

[Tony.T]

I'm sure he can't.

Blinder from Dalrymple.

[Scott Wickstein]

I can't remember an Englishman taking a catch that good ever.

[Tony.T]

The Pies in the first one-dayer in 2005, maybe, but that's about it. Strauss in that Test series took a nice one, too.

[Scott Wickstein]

Oh, Colly's was pretty good.. yeah, granted.

At least we've found out we're fucked before the World Cup started. Lot better to find out now then in April. Meanwhile the Yarpies are making pies out of Pakistan.

[nick]

Watto is a genetic freak. He has...

Michael Clarke's back.
Steve Waugh's hamstrings.
Michael Bevan's gym obsession.
Tubby Taylor's form streak.
Greg Matthew's temprament.
and Kim Hughes will to win.

[Carrot]

Brad Hogg has played four tests! Who'd've thunk it?

[Tony.T]

If we start favourite in the WC, the punters are mad.

Speaking of betting. What's the bet One Day England never play this well again. Ever. Talk about everything going right at the right time.

[pat]

I'd love to have an accountant who could wangle me some financial returns based on Duckworth-Lewis algorithms. Let's see, reduce the batting teams overs by 17 and revise the total required by 35. Not that I'm complaining, we have been woeful, but this DL calculator needs some serious revision.

[pat]

Don't forget Tone, you have pointed out prior to the last World Cup I think, that Oz have never won a WC going in on a winning streak. I believe you were right that all Oz WC victories were preceded by extremely poor form.

[Tony.T]

The trouble with DuckyLoo is that it's better than what it took over from. The old systems (for want of a better word) were a disaster.

[Scott Wickstein]

It's designed to punish teams like us who lose early wickets. Which it has done.

[Scott Wickstein]

Ohh, silly Hoggy.

[Tony.T]

That's true up to a point, Pat, but my calcs were based on the Tri Series results the year before the World Cup. Last time before Sorth Efrica we were on a roll.

[Scott Wickstein]

Ugh. I hate it when we lose games, doesn't matter if they are group games, finals, or whatever. I just don't like losing.

[Scott Wickstein]

Your stat counter just ticked past 800,000.

[pat]

Damn! So there's no silver lining.

[Scott Wickstein]

Hodge just ticked past the pavillion.

[Vindicate]

I now pronounce us officially screwed.

[Tony.T]

Ditto. It doesn't matter that the Aussies are treating these matches as practice matches, losing bites.

By the way, this is what Pat was referring to in his "winning streaks" comment.

[Tony.T]

Lest anyone think I'm about to get all charitable and magnamanious. Balls to youze.

THE ONLY REASON England have won this latest in a long line of tedious Tri Series tournies is because they keep winning the toss (except for Friday) and making us bat second in difficult conditions.

[Scott Wickstein]

Hang on, if we were as good as we expect us to be we'd still have scored these runs.

Try telling Punter the only reason we lost is coz he's a lousy tosser!

[CB]

Rain dance worked. Too late to save us. I had us screwed some time back.

[pat]

As a suffering cleaner pronounced when the Beastie Boys finally played a decent tune (Sabotage) during an extended jam, "That's it! That's the shit!"

When I go to sleep tonight the only hope I have to hold on to is those words "Far as I'm concerned, the Aussies can tinker with the formula all they like, just as long as they win the only tournament that matters to me - The World Cup." I'll be holding on tight sobbing in to my pillow. Someone please hug me.

[nick]

Get on your knees and pray that Smith is not holding the Cup in 8 months, or whenever the Bloat Cup finishes.

[Tony.T]

Nup. One Day cricket is ALL about who wins the toss - especially in S'Siddey.

Oh, and I suppose batting, bowling and fielding have their small parts to play.

[Tony.T]

Question: Who will be the first journo to shitcan the rest/rotation business?

[Tony.T]

Question: Have we played well in ANY of the one-dayers?

[nick]

So your money is on the Yarps too, then Tony? Tossers abound in Yarpland.

[Scott Wickstein]

Not really- not one full 100 over performance.

[Vindicate]

Christ... rub it in whydoncha, get just enough break in the weather to make it a match, but not enough to give us even a sniff of a chance.

Oh well fuckit, if we played a bit better we wouldn't have ended up in this position anyway.

[Tony.T]

At seven bucks Sorth Efrica have got to be a good bet. They'd be a dead set certainty if they didn't have to win a semi-final.

[pat]

But really, and with not a sliver of hindsight heroism, Hogg and Watson should not have been selected. Hodge shouldn't be there either.

IMO if there is no fair dinkum all rounder then don't pretend and just go with a specialist.

Hogg out for Magilla
Watson out for B Lee
Tait or Clark for B Lee
Jaques in for Hodges

Or they should have stuck with White for Watson.

The selctions were dumb.

[Tony.T]

The worst thing about all the dumb selections is that I can't see the makings of a WC winning side from all the players trialled. There are four or five certain picks and then a whole line of maybes.

[nick]

What have we learnt?

1. Must take at least 6 wickets to limit a score - 7 if playing NZ or SA.
2. Tait is useful in ODIs.
3. Bracken, McGrath, Tait = good bowling, 30% of team now poor fielders.
4. White can't bowl.
5. Watto can bat (a bit).
6. Haydos and Gilly are human, and fallible.
7. As is Hussey.
8. Clarke can bowl.
9. Symonds is the second most important player in the team.
10. ODIs are a lottery.

[pat]

This says it all:

M Clarke 10 matches 33 overs 4 wickets Avge.40.25 economy 4.87
Hogg 3 matches 26.3 overs 2 wickets Avge 57.5 Economy 4.33

You could easily play Clarke for Hogg and be on a win win because you get to bring in another batsman.

I reckon we have the makings of a WC team if the selectors and Punter forget about having an all-rounder. We simply don't have one.

Use Hussey, Clarke and Punter to share an 10 over spell. Mix it up, slow it down. The kiwis and lankans have been winning games for yonks based on the same principle and we have much better players than either of them.

[John]

Geez, good old Channel 9 Perth. Australia lost so they switch straight to some US import shit. WIN showed the presentation; Channel 9 didn't. Good old Australia - world sport's most graceless winners and most churlish losers. As evidenced from the postings above, of course England didn't win this series, Australia lost it ... We'd better practise our excuses for the World Cup, eh?

[pat]

Points 1, 3 , 8 & 9 are very well made. Point 8 though Clarke showed when he first rocked on to the ODI scene in India. I believe he even got 7 for at one stage bowling spin against the Indians.

[pat]

Yes John, England were simply awesome throughout the entire competition leaving NZ and Oz in her wake. You truly had the best and most consistent team and have served notice to the world that England is a force to be reckoned with come World Cup.

[John]

Pat, England were poor, and on the evidence of the series as a whole, they should not have been in the finals. Australia ARE the best in the world, of that there is no doubt. I'm not spruiking England at all. You are also making the assumption that I follow England and that I am happy that they won. My point is that the Australian media (and many Australians) are pretty churlish about losing.

[Adsy]

The Aussie one day side are showing glimpses of the arrogance that derailed the test side during the 2005 Ashes. Well, probably the players AND the selectors. After the great first 75% of the series they dropped Camo White, brought in Hogg and stuffed around with the fast bowling lineup and look what happened.

Of course losing Symonds was a bit of a blow but why change what was going well? You'd only do that if you were arrogant about either the opposition or not caring about the competition. The batting lineup early doors of Gilchrist, Hayden, Ponting, Clarke, Hussey, Symonds, White, Lee, Bracken, S.Clark and McGrath is a World Cup winning lineup in every way - bat down to 9 or 10 pretty much and have 4 quicks, 1 medium pacer and 3 spin options. If Symonds is no good then bring in Hodge to shore up the batting and you still retain his offspin if things get dire.

Watson is a golden boy hack who hasn't shown nearly enough to be included in the squad.

[pat]

All credit to England. To come back from the absolute caning they were getting handed to them and win this series is a monumental effort. Good on them.

The churlishness is not for them but for certain Oz performances but mostly, in fact IMO all, to the selectors. Watson hadn't played a game in the series and Hogg only two yet they both waltzed into the finals. The selectors obsession with Watson is unfathomable. There is simply no way Oz should have lost the finals.

This English ODI team is pathetic at best and if they seriously think they have turned a corner and are now playing great cricket then they would be like someone winning at the pokies and thinking they have now found some great financial skills.

I actually think their Test team deserved merit and have shown that they have a basis for a good Test team once Vaughan and Jones return. The one dayers however are a joke. This is their day, a miracle, and deserved for their bravery and self belief which is beyond doubt so I hope they get to enjoy and savour it.

[Russell Allen]

"This is their day, a miracle"

Three miracles in a week it is then...not even Jesus had that kind of run of form.

[Churlish of Richmond]

It's MBE time.