After Grog Blog

QUICK SINGLES

Looks like Symonds and Hayden are safe for the time being. Not so Justin Langer. Gnome B. N. better start getting his affairs in order because he's not long for international cricket. His batting since Brisbane has been dodgy at best, slap happy in the main. He seems to be trying to hit his way into touch. That was a wasteful out the other evening. He only needs to look at Flatty to see a bloke who has his head down and his game together. Hussey better watch it, too. I mean, seven? What a scrubber. His average is in freefall.

The way Sideshow Roy got out is a tidy pointer as to why he'll continue to sit on the edge selection-wise. Still, the selectors and the rest of the team love him and he's got oodles of talent, so his century will have earned him some serious collateral.

No sooner does KP move to No. 4 than the big yarpie gets bundled for bugger all. Good ball, but. KP is a bit like Roy - a dominant bottom hand which in any other era would see them as dodgy selections, but with better pitches, both these talented hitters can swing through the line to great effect.

It is good to see cricket on a proper sized ground, not a postage stamp. During last year's Ashes Flinty and KP only had to close their eyes and take a swipe for their rank mis-hit tonks to go for six.

Most of the commentators have been binning Flinty's crap fields. Rightly so. What are England on? Tony Greig even went as far to say "Flintoff is off the field. Good. Now we'll see some proper positions." That's as critical as I can remember any Channel Nine commentator ever being. Seriously critical, anyway, as opposed to stagey-critical. It's been fun watching England set a short covers and especially that stupid short mid off to rock-all effect, while their batsmen can't help but put the ball straight down the throats of Straya's short cover.

Speaking of the commentators, it's refreshing to hear them dissing Hawk-Eye. Not so long ago they would routinely defer to Hawk's accuracy. Now they barely take any notice. A big tick for them. Is it possible Hawk will soon get the flick?

Not that it's all good for the Channel Nine team. At the ground on Boxing Day the bar had two tellies showing different feeds. One showed the Nine picture delayed by a good two seconds, but the other was very much live. If anyone ever tells you The Delay is a technological glitch, or some such bullshit, tell 'em to get rooted. There can be no doubt Nine are doing it so as to stop punters listening to the ABC radio feed.

The radio commentary. What is the point of radio replays? Have you ever heard anything so ludicrous? You watch a replay to see what happened. What sort of cretin wants to listen to a spoken "highlight" hours later? Pure filler.

Read is certainly a better keeper than Hack Jones, but I hope no one starts rabbiting on about how good he kept to take six catches here. Let's face it, even Jones would have caught them. I think. Gilly better sharpen up his act, too. That missed stumping off Pietersen was worthy of the Grate Geraint.

How about England losing their bowling plans? Funny, yes, but do they contain anything out of the ordinary? No. It's all about line-and-length and defending strengths. Just the way all cricket should be; especially at Test level. Not that it's worked so far. While the English bowlers refuse to consistently put the agate in the right spot, either through bad management or bad skills, no plan is going to work. They only need to look as far as Stuey Clark for a role model. And what of Hoggy's response? "When we find him we'll string him up by the head." You string 'em up by the balls, the toes or the fingers, not the head. What sort of tedious run of the mill punishment is that?

England are a batsman short. They might think it's a great idea to have a so-called four pronged pace attack, but it's not strong enough to support their dodgy top order. Leave KP at five, drop Flinty to seven and bring in another proper batsman between them.

Have the umpires made a considered decision not to pay ElBees for righties to lefties, lefties to righties and bowlers coming around the wicket? The way the umps have staunchly turned down plumb ElBees - Cook off Warne in Perth and here Flatty off Hoggard, Cook off McGrath, Sideshow Roy off Flinty - it won't be long before the ICC start sending ElBee appeals to the third umpire. Hell, why don't the umps just look to the big screen? Everyone else is doing it.

The beach cricket ads with AB, Courtney Waltch and Goochey. It's probably too easy to shit can them.

CARRSLEMAINE

Going up the country today, so I won't be watching the cricket. Instead I'll be listening on the wahhless.

Forget James Brown, too, the noisy, drug addled hack. Better musicians died this year.

FESTIVE DEAD RUBBER

Boxing Day with the series won. I can't tell you what a relief it is the Ashes are stitched up. For the first time in a long time, I'll be there today with my maties, perfectly sanguine about whether Straya bat or bowl. Bat and it's SOP, bowl and I'll get to see Warnie do his thing. It's win - win.

The only thing worrying me is meeting Normblog Geras. He's a bit keen, isn't he, maybe even a bit of a cricket lunatic. What if he starts fights, or worse, has his face painted? Shit, what if he starts the wave?

I've been to plenty of Boxing Day Tests, but I can't remember the last time I went to Boxing Day itself. It might have been 1999, 1992 or 1985, but I'm pretty sure I went no earlier than Day 2. Still, hazy as my memory might be, it's better than James McCausland in today's Hun:

A Yank at the MCG
How I learned to love the game

I remember my first encounter with the mysteries of cricket with great precision.

It was 12:15pm on New Year's Day 1975.

I was peeved. I was working for a finance magazine that was not going to be published for several months. But for some reason our editor had decided we would all work that day.

A few of us were submerging our sorrows in the Sydney Journalist's Club.

Cricket on the box. Australia was playing a World XI team because South Africa had been turfed out of international cricket.

Great precision indeed.

LIST MANAGEMENT

A list! Who doesn't love a list? In this one the Herald Sun's Jon Anderson's cobbles together his top 50 sports stars for 2006. Can you spot any obvious ommissions? Any unworthy inclusions? I can think of one possible exclusion (again), and I would dump all sports that don't have a ball except for boxing. But that's just me.

It's probably OK to include the likes of Chris Judd and Liz Ellis when you consider Sports Illustrated had Dwayne Wade as their No.1. But only just OK. SI are patently kidding themselves when, by any measure, the top two are the Butcher of Baghdatis and T-Woo.

50 Katsuhiko Sumii, Japan, Thoroughbred Racing

49 Janica Kostelic, Croatia, Skiing

48 Liz Ellis, Australia, Netball

47 Manny Pacquiao, Philippines, Boxing

46 Nicole Cooke, Wales, Cycling

45 Jeremy Wariner, US, Athletics

44 Libby Lenton, Australia, Swimming

43 Chris Judd, Australia, Australian Rules

42 Lebron James, US, Basketball

41 Thierry Henry, France, Soccer

40 Ladainian Tomlinson, US, American Football

39 Michael Schumacher, Germany, Formula One

38 Richie McCaw, New Zealand, Rugby Union

37 Albert Pujols, Dominican Republic, Baseball

36 Rafael Nadal, Spain, Tennis

35 Gianluigi Buffon, Italy, Soccer

34 Nicky Hayden, US, Moto GP

33 Britta Steffen, Germany, Swimming

32 Haile Gebreselassie, Ethiopa, Athletics

31 Lorena Ochoa, Mexico, Golf

30 Kobe Bryant, US, Basketball

29 Mohammad Yousuf, Pakistan, Cricket

28 Valentino Rossi, Italy, Moto GP

27 Justine Henin-Hardene, Belgium, Tennis

26 Robbie McEwen, Australia, Cycling

25 Amelie Mauresmo, France, Tennis

24 Lauren Jackson, Australia, Basketball

23 Darren Lockyer, Australia, Rugby League

22 Ricky Carmichael, US, Supercross

21 Liu Xiang, China, Athletics

20 Cristiano Ronaldo, Portugal, Soccer

19 Karrie Webb, Australia, Golf

18 Evgeni Plushenko, Russia, Figure Skating

17 Emma Snowsill, Australia, Triathlon

16 Fernando Alonso, Spain, Formula One

15 Ryan Howard, US, Baseball

14 Layne Beachley, Australia, Surfing

13 Sanya Richards, US, Athletics

12 Sebastien Loeb, France, Rally Driving

11 Ronaldinho, Brazil, Soccer

10 Floyd Mayweather Jr, US, Boxing

9 Dwayne Wade, US, Basketball

8 Leisel Jones, Australia, Swimming

7 Kelly Slater, US, Surfing

6 Fabio Cannavaro, Italy, Soccer

5 Ricky Ponting, Australia, Cricket

4 Michael Phelps, US, Swimming

3 Asafa Powell, Jamaica, Athletics

2 Tiger Woods, US, Golf

1 Roger Federer, Switzerland, Tennis

BLITHE SPIRIT

At the risk of flogging a dead horse - Andrew Bartlett asks:

"how can people so blithely say ‘greatest bowler of all time’, or even ‘greatest spin bowler of all time’ about Warne when Muralitharan’s results are better than his on every single measure?"

This is how: Warne is a bowler - Murali is a chucker.

Sporting Life's Rory Dullard perpetuates the same mistake / lie / self delusion / partisan justification (take your pick):

WHO'S THE GREATEST?

In any other era, the achievement of becoming the first bowler in Test history to take 700 Test wickets might be enough for Shane Warne to confidently request a fitting for the crown of greatest spinner of all time.

But despite being only one wicket from this monumental feat, Warne knows that the true owner of finest slow bowler of the modern era is a vexed question.

Because for every mesmerising performance from the Australian icon, there is an equally compelling display from Sri Lanka's own cricketing legend - Muttiah Muralitharan.

Utter nonsense, of course.

Now, I was about to embark on yet another extended rant binning the chucker, but looking back at Catallaxy just now I notice Yobbo has already done a bang up job, thus saving me the effort. So I'll pinch his:

You must be kidding Bartlett. I realise you carry the expectation of your fluffy constituents that you will take sides against Australia in any dispute, but anyone who knows anything about cricket knows that Muralitharan is a chucker.

He chucked for years. Everyone complained he got no balled. Sri Lanka called everyone racists.

So, in a first for cricket history, the ICC gave Murali a chance to prove himself by visiting the biomechanics lab at UWA to test the bend of his arm.

They found that he chucks it. So Sri Lanka called everyone racists again.

So you know what they did then? They Changed The Laws Of Cricket So Muralitharan Would Be Allowed To Keep Playing.

And you know what? Even under the revised Muralitharan laws, he still chucks 2 balls an over. He doesn’t do it when he’s hooked up to the machine of course, but rather saves it for a test match when nobody can do anything (except complain to the ICC and get labelled a racist, or have your career ended like happened to Emerson and Hair).

Because of Muralitharan it is now possible for any captain to make any game a farce, because it is no longer possible for the umpire to no ball a bowler at the crease.

This means that Ricky Ponting could step up the bowler’s crease, wind up a baseball pitch and hurl it at the stumps, and there is Nothing At All The Umpires Can Do About It.

Now Ponting would never do it - he has too much to lose by rocking the boat, but I have no doubt the Chappells would have, just to prove a point.

If he did it in the World Cup Final, Australia would win the world cup and all that would happen is Ricky Ponting would receive a fine for “bringing the game into disrepute”.

Muralitharan brings the game into disrepute every time he steps on to the field. The ICC brings the game into Disrepute by continuing to allow him to play.

He’s a cheat, has always been a cheat, will always be a cheat. Even though he may eventually become the highest wicket-taker of all-time, his entry in the Wisden Almanac will be forever marked with an asterix, and the footnote attached to it (in the brain of every cricket fan who lived to see him bowl) will be:

Muralitharan’s stats are discounted because he was a chucker and cheated more than any other player who ever stepped onto the field.

[TT - I'll go further. ALL bowling stats for ALL bowlers since the rule was changed need a qualifier: "These wickets were taken after the bowling rules were changed."]

And every international player bites their lip about it, because speaking out means ICC repurcussions and probably never playing again.

Not just players, but broadcasters, too.

At least Martin Crowe has the guts to speak out, repeatedly, without ever squibbing he was taken out of context.

Kiwi complaint made to ICC over Murali doosra

SRI Lankan spinner Muthiah Muralidaran is under fire again over his suspect bowling action again, with former New Zealand captain Martin Crowe complaining to the International Cricket Council about his doosra delivery.

It's not in the article, but this morning on the radio Crowe made it perfectly clear that he thought all Murali's deliveries were dodgy, not just the doosra.

Regarding the last bit from John Reid "Crowe won't believe these so-called experts who are the ICC illegal delivery panel. Murali's also been passed by the biomechanists." Balls. He would say that, wouldn't he? He was on the panel. Not that it matters since the panel was off the pitch. Same for the biomechanists. If it ever transpires they adjudicate an action as it's happening there in a match, and not in the UWA garage, then I'll take notice.

WARNE GORN

Fvck. A faint sense of dread that started with what I thought was a dodgy rumour became a full blown panic attack when Warne actually, really, truly quit today.

"Why would he do it now," asked Richie rhetorically on Nine News. "Because it's right." Not for me. Sure, I'm selfish, but our era of dominance is over.

Throw in the impending retirements of McGrath, Hayden, Langer and Gilchrist and we're looking at a new era of struggle.

But it's Warne who's the key. Any or all of those other four could have retired and we would have been reasonably fine - not Shane. He's a once in a lifetime match-winner. Win the toss, bat first and wait for Warnie to roll the opposition on the last day. It was that predictable. Ask yourself how many matches Australia would have won without him since 1992. Exactly. I'd look up the figures, but I'm worried the numbers would be jarringly low.

For a snap-shot, look at 2003/04 when Warne was suspended. Without him we struggled to bowl out India in Australia. (Yes, yes, yes, he never went that well against India, and McGrath was missing, too, but Warne's still a very important player.) Nor could we roll the Windies as they knocked up a record chase in Antigua. Would they have made that 400 batting last if Warne was playing? Of course not. Contrast that with his return against Sri Lanka in 2004. We won that series 3-0 and every time a key wicket was needed, Warne was the one who got it.

Warne out: Test team set to suffer, says Benaud

Numerous departures could have a catastrophic effect on the Test team's standing, with Benaud going so far as to suggest any comparisions to the triple blow Australian cricket suffered in 1982/83, from which the team took five years to recover, fall well short of the potential damage to the side that now looms.

We won't end up like we were in the mid eighties, our structure is that much better now, but we will not get close to being the force we've been since Warne spun out Sri Lanka at Colombo in 1992.

Come back, Shane. I miss you already.

RUMOUR HAS TIT

Christmas goss then. A group of footballers were recently out and about when two young girls asked them for autographs. "Sure," said one of the players. "But only if we can sign on your tits." The girls agreed, but one of them used a camera phone to sneak a surreptitious snap. Later, the girl's shocked and appalled mum stumbled upon the photo - don't ask me how - and took it to the player's club demanding the player in question be brought to book. The club ignored her; it probably had other things to worry about. Mistake. The less than gruntled mum took the photo to the one of the newspapers, and they currently have their legal department running beady eyes over the story.

MANCHESTER UNSIGHTED

Where's Vaughny? Those of you whot tuned in here when we lost The Ashes will remember Vaughny from Manchester. Chances are you DO remember, afterall, it WAS only 15 months ago. Give or take a day. The belligerent bugger was all over us then - "DOO DOO BE BOB WAH WAH WAH." See what I mean. Well Vaughny, me old Dread Devil, if you're skulking out there somewhere, as I suspect you are, this one's for you:

A NICE LITTLE URNA

MR HEALY, I PRESUME

Sunday posting is bought to you by Channel Nine's latest retail opportunity, The Lost Tribes.

Who doesn't love the way Richie sells camel rides at Broome? "Heelllo, theerrrre they are." The Doyen, tongue firmly encheeked, always manages to turn it into a sly joke while at the same time making sure the cricket is the focus. Indeed, Richie even manages to convey the notion that the cricket might just be why people are watching. The same can't be said of The Lost Tribes as Heals and the gang embark on long riffs about living rough without the comforts of home. Bwana Grieg, fresh from leading a safari to deepest, darkest Double Bay was even moved to taunt "You wouldn't know what it's like to live life hard." Thanks, Hacktari. It all might have been a bit too much for Mark Nicholas, that wizened host of Survivor Luton, who eventually swung things back to matters cricket "That killed the over, Heals."

Swatch Watch: Tony is selling pieces of Shane Warne's shirt. Yes, he is. "A Piece of the Action will be released to celebrate Shane Warne's magnificent 700 Test wicket haul. The collectable will contain an actual swatch taken from Shane's Test shirt as worn throughout the Test match, which is seamlessly integrated within the lithograph design." It only comes framed.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

UNFINISHED BUSINESS - STILL!

Alex Brown writes in today's Age "Flintoff is well aware that no English side has ever returned from a 2-0 deficit to win an Ashes series in the 124-year history of the competition."

So what. If Australia win this test, it's all over. Good. But if we draw, or worse, manage to lose in Perth, England are still in the contest. They DON'T NEED to win all three Tests, two will do. That's the burden of regain, not retain. England might have been spanked in the first Test then choked into a humiliating loss in the second - but they can still hang onto the Ashes.

If Straya held the Ashes I'd be pretty damn confident England wouldn't be able to win the next three Tests. But since England hold them and we haven't yet wrapped up the series despite leading 2-0, I have this gnawing suspicion things could get antsy. Remember Edgbaston and its sudden momentum shift; Ponting is unlikely to ever again send a team in. (The Perth toss is less of a worry since no one seems to have any idea how the WACA wicket will play. It could even be a "good toss to lose".) However, you can never discount a metaphorical ball under McGrath's foot. There's also the Strayan celebrations after the Adelaide Test. That was a very large outpouring of emotion for what amounted to a half-time lead. And Martyn's retirement, anyone? Who knows what effect that will have on the team. Nor is Sideshow Roy anyone's idea of an established Test cricketer.

All the media talk craving a tight series - a contest - is just so much bullshit to me. I want to stomp England in Perth to wrap up the Ashes and then I want to stomp them in Melbourne and Sydney to complete a rout. 5-0 sounds brilliant to me. I don't want the series alive in Melbourne or Sydney. The longer the Ashes are unrecovered, the more chance there is of England getting their act together to retain them after Christmas.

Should Straya fail to win The Ashes back after leading 2-0 at home, they would be held up for greater ridicule than England ever were in Adelaide. Wombats two - Wombles too good!

THE BIG SMOKE

BEING FOR THE BENEFIT OF NO ONE IN PARTICULAR

How do you qualify to be a music critic? Do you need a certificate? Do you need to know a treble clef from an ampersand? How about plenty of other people's opinions? Or does a desperate editor merely fix his eye on the the youngest person in the office and say "you're it"?

Craig Mathieson. (Age EG)

Faking It: Despite the fact that it is routinely described as the greatest album of all time, Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band by the Beatles is not on the list. That's because it's naff and overrated. A concept album that represents everything bad about the Beatles (in the same way that Revolver and The White Album are a perfect precis of their enduring brilliance), it has one great song A Day in the Life - that's tacked on at the end, refuting the chicanery and hollow melodrama preceding it.

Ken Nguyen (Age Green Guide: My Favourite Album.)

My Favourite Album: will justify its existence tomorrow in watercooler conversations across the country: my guess is that most will inevitably lead off with something along the lines of "Sergeant bloody Pepper's? What a predictable load of cobblers! It's only got one great song on it!" (Which is true. Take out A Day In the Life and all you've got are overrated, "conceptual" bollocks far inferior to Abbey Road.)

Nguyen is excused; he's a television reviewer, afterall, not a music critic. But Mathieson's "definitive guide to being a rock 'n' roll hipster" contains bucketloads of "naff and overrated chicanery and hollow melodrama", not to say outright rubbish. Sgt Pepper's is nowhere near my favourite album, but only a pinhead would shitcan it while at the same time suggesting Interpol's dreary Turn on the Bright Lights will be "tomorrow's classic"?

WHASSAT?

No, it's not a hearing aid; although that's not a million miles away. It's something FX brought along to Friday's blogmeet just in case the conversation strayed from cricket.

What is it? Well, "It's new!" and "It's different!" and it's over the fold. Be sure to read the fine print.

MANIMAL RIGHTS

Is it right to scapegoat Duncan Fletcher? Or is he just one of those blokes you WANT to scapegoat? Like Graeme Smith. Either way, doing so ignores one obvious fact - the man's not a complete dickhead. Unlike Graeme Smith. Brendan McArdle puts things into perspective, as usual.

Scapegoat on menu if cupboard is bare

Fletcher's three debatable selection issues aren't as clear cut as many are making out. Geraint Jones, Ashley Giles and James Anderson may be pretty unremarkable cricketers, but each of the trio who would replace them have serious flaws in their games.

Malupropism: There's a phrase creeping into the vernacular here "That gets up my goat". Usually it's said without any sense of irony, so I can only assume the person saying it is a cretin. Even though it is slightly funny.

WORDS NOT MINTSED

The Reverse Swing Manifesto is a fine English blog. RSM's take on Sky's coverage is spot on.

Bottom line is that the team needs a refresh - but you just know that the Sky heavy-handed response will be to send for more ex-skippers (Alec Stewart, Michael Vaughan and, by next summer - a wheelchair bound Freddie Flintoff) without stopping to consider cricket commentary as a skilled trade rather than an extension of a sporting career.

Mark who runs RSM is on his way out to Straya. Just imagine his shock when he gets here and realises our Channel Nine is exactly the same as his Channel Sky, only worse.

Via Will And Wicky Do The Cricky.

By the way, does anyone think Nine's camerawork is slightly sloppy this season? There seems to be a lot of ill-defined action at the edge of shot as the cameraman/director pans to catch up with the ball. The result is we're missing the odd fumble, stop, whatever. Maybe Nine is trying too hard to get close to the action. Maybe they need to pull back a little. Maybe it's just me.

T. BREAK

Time for contemplation.

One of the stupid aspects of modern cricket, apart from batsmen touching each other's gloves, is the need to cram back-to-back Tests into the schedule.

Not for the players, mind, they're getting paid a small fortune to strut their stuff and the likes of Sir Shameless Cricket OA, KPMG, MCG with Gum Leaves wants to play everyday anyway, but for the fan. Do cricket's nabobs realise how much emotional energy your rusted-on cricket fan puts into watching the caper? No sooner had the Gabba Test finished than the SACA test was off and, well, if not running, then jogging along. Sure, the First Test was a flogging and four fifths of the Second Test considered a dud by many, but by 7:00 Croweater time most of us tragics would have been well and truly thrashed out. Now at least there's a ten day break until the WACA Test, so we've a chance to take a breather.

One thing is apparent from the SACA Test. If one Test can change course so dramatically, so too can a series. The overwhelming majority of public opinion is that England are shot ducks. Admittedly, last night it looked as if Laurie Levy was ready to dump their sorry carcass on the steps of Parliament House. But Australia need to either win one more Test, or draw two. Easier said than done. Yes, yes, yes, we are in the cover-driver's seat, but as Strauss's unlucky dismissal proved, you only need the tinniest piece of bad luck and everything can go boss-eyed. Any of you stepped on a ball lately?

Lid. On. It.

Other than that, there's not too much to say that hasn't already been well said in the recent brilliant comments threads. I mean, apart from Carrot. "Am I the only Australian who's disappointed here?" Like, duuude! You're an Aussie in Engerland. Remember last year? Remember the gloatage? The smugosity? The Gongs? The Red Bus Parade?

EXTRAS

Cooley Dooley: Yesterday Lee and McGrath were tailing the ball beautifully. Is Troy Cooley some kind of magic talisman?

Boiled Lolly to Chocolate: Les Burdett.

Bucknor & Koertzen: Can't agree with Clem. We've had some shocking umpiring over recent years, but apart from a couple of glaring examples, Morgan and Rudy have so far done a bang up job. Rub of the green, right Boycs?

WACA: I'm not about to speculate on the team for Perth. What is more important is to work out a nickname for Stuart Clark and a better nickname for Michael Clarke - Pup is stupid. Nicknames are also required for any potential Test player. Hungry Jaques is a given, Haddos for Brad Haddin is traditional and Larry Tait works for Shaun Tait. For me, anyway. Not forgetting Mitchell Johnston and Shane Watson. Watto just doesn't work for me.

Tabermory: Guess which paper? It wasn't The Times.

NEVER IN DOUBT

Get fvcked, Edgbaston. Your thoughts, please.

BORE WAR?

Everyone's going on about how this test has been the dreariest since Neville Oliver. It's not that bad, is it? I mean, sure it's not the greatest, what with England starting like snails and their first innings dragging on forever. But that would have been great if you were a Barmy Soldier or Pommy civilian. And while the Aussie innings also went on for ages, it was pretty solid "entertainment". Sunday was great.

Day 5 prediction. England, despite a few early palpitations, settle in comfortably and declare at tea about 300 ahead. Australian hubris tempts them to take up the chase with about 30 overs left. But they suffer their own palpitations when Fanie De Hoggard puts the skids under the top order. A hasty rearguard is arranged by Hussey and the match ends in a draw. On evidence to hand, talk of Warne going through the Poms is so much folderol. Mind you, any collapse would be a two-edged bat. Can you just imagine if they were bundled this morning and we had to chase 180 odd? Ohh. The. Pain.

Soimon The Loikable. People in high places must loik him. It's the only way he could have gotten a gig in the Noin commentary box. Has the jump to three-man teams meant they are short of "talent"? Soimon's stupid laugh alone should see him sent back to the Cricket Show.

CRICK BITS

Bowled Prediction: "I've got my own lack of ease about whether Australia can bowl England out enough times to regain, not just retain, the Ashes." We did it during the first innings in Brisbane, can we do it again to assure we get the Ashes back?

Field: The commentators have been banging on about England's savvy field positions. Why? Putting fielders in the right place is not rocket science. Hayden and Martyn waft so bowlers will aim to get them outside off. Gilchrist has been troubled by fast swingers. (Who isn't.) But with Hayden, Martyn and Gilly all being around long enough to have their techniques scrutinised, only a cretin would not attack their weaknesses.

Sunday: Yesterday's was the best day of Aussie test cricket since the last Ashes. Tight bowling, determined batting, a tough contest.

The Gilo: When he dropped Ponting, you just knew it was one of these moments. Add in Courtney Brown's grassing of Swaugh at Sabina Park.

Homogenised AND Pasteurised: Have CrickAussie put out the word to the curators? "Matches must last five days." These bland, batting tracks might be good for the bottom line, but an attractive thing about tests in Straya was the variety of tracks from the Gabba through to the SCG.

Pietersen: I bagged him last year, but he's better now. A lot better. Still, the pitches are made-to-order for an aggressive batsman. How might he go on a dodgy track? See Homogenised and Pasteurised.

The Pies: Collingwood? Good scrapper, no mug, but a run-machine? He's not that good, is he? Surely not. See Homogenised and Pasteurised.

Fleming: Damien "bowls nice areas" Fleming is an excellent addition to the radio commentary. Knows the game, can put it across, reacts well with other commentators, and his sense of humour doesn't require "polite" laughter or carbon dating.

Gilly: Just when it looks like he's putting a score together, he gets himself out. Goose.

Shameless: Just in case you've been misinformed - Hussey's a gem.

Woody: Woody the Pom makes a good point. "[England] have turned middle and late order collapses into an art form, which explains why we don't do reckles abandon as much as your boys." One thing that is easy to overlook when the Aussies aren't doing as well as expected, especially when they get themselves out batting like cowboys, is that we're used to them thumping hacks. It's a bit of a surprise when an opposition fails to roll over.

Perth: Marto out, Watson in? Flat-Track out, Hungry Jaques in? Lee out, Tait in? Pigeon? Bring in Magilla for Warne if Warne keeps Gilesing the pill down leg side. Pity Cameron White is not quite there as a leggy.

HOME IS WHERE THE HORT ISN'T

"Emmigrating is over-rated."
~~ Tea Break Tony Greig

TOSSER HUSSAIN

When it comes to tossing, Nasser Hussain is the go-to guy. Or was, before Ponting's Edgbaston brain explosion. Anyway, Nass is spot on when he says the toss today is crucial and in doing so he hits, indirectly, on something that has been bugging me over the last few seasons - the toss has become TOO important. It's not comfortable sitting here, fingers and toes crossed, hoping Ponting wins or Freddie loses. It shouldn't be like that. Sure, luck is a large part of any sport, but cricket is too fantastic a game to be decided by pure tin-arse luck. Is there another way to decide who bats and bowls first? Maybe there could be one toss at the start of a series with the winner getting to pick whether he bats or bowls in the first test, and thereafter the roles alternate. Of course, that means home team groundstaff can prepare wickets to suit in advance. I dunno. There's got to be another way.

Don't lose toss, 'Fred'

ENGLAND faces its moment of truth if Andrew Flintoff loses the toss in today's second Test at Adelaide Oval, according to former skipper Nasser Hussain. Hussain threw away the Ashes when he sent Australia into bat in the first Test of the 2002-03 series in Brisbane.

He hopes "Freddie" Flintoff calls correctly today with England 1-0 down in the five-Test series. "It is absolutely crucial," said Hussain, who watched Australia pile on 492 in its first innings at the Gabba four years ago. "If the toss goes the other way it will be biggest Test of the careers of Flintoff and (coach) Duncan Fletcher."

Don't be mislead by the title, I like Nasser Hussain. He makes for a refreshing break from the likes of Ian Botham, Bob Willis and Paul Allott.