How do you qualify to be a music critic? Do you need a certificate? Do you need to know a treble clef from an ampersand? How about plenty of other people's opinions? Or does a desperate editor merely fix his eye on the the youngest person in the office and say "you're it"?
Craig Mathieson. (Age EG)
Faking It: Despite the fact that it is routinely described as the greatest album of all time, Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band by the Beatles is not on the list. That's because it's naff and overrated. A concept album that represents everything bad about the Beatles (in the same way that Revolver and The White Album are a perfect precis of their enduring brilliance), it has one great song A Day in the Life - that's tacked on at the end, refuting the chicanery and hollow melodrama preceding it.
Ken Nguyen (Age Green Guide: My Favourite Album.)
My Favourite Album: will justify its existence tomorrow in watercooler conversations across the country: my guess is that most will inevitably lead off with something along the lines of "Sergeant bloody Pepper's? What a predictable load of cobblers! It's only got one great song on it!" (Which is true. Take out A Day In the Life and all you've got are overrated, "conceptual" bollocks far inferior to Abbey Road.)
Nguyen is excused; he's a television reviewer, afterall, not a music critic. But Mathieson's "definitive guide to being a rock 'n' roll hipster" contains bucketloads of "naff and overrated chicanery and hollow melodrama", not to say outright rubbish. Sgt Pepper's is nowhere near my favourite album, but only a pinhead would shitcan it while at the same time suggesting Interpol's dreary Turn on the Bright Lights will be "tomorrow's classic"?
Faking it
Craig Mathieson offers the definitive guide to being a rock'n'roll hipster in the eyes of your friends.
LIKE all terrifying occurrences, it will begin innocuously. "Interesting CDs," someone will genially remark as they check out your music collection.
The key word is "interesting", a polite but neutral opening gambit that leaves them room to move in either direction. Should your inquisitor uncover Roxy Music's Avalon, they will segue into a hymn of praise to both the eloquent minimal-ism of the record and your good taste in possessing it.
However, if they come across But Seriously, the infamously torpid Phil Collins release that blighted 1989 (and much of 1990), the floodgates will open. "Check it out!" they will howl in an attempt to attract bystanders. If no one else is present, they'll settle for personal derision. "How could you own this?" they'll demand, holding up the offending item as if it's radioactive.
We don't document our financial affairs to friends and we don't invite our family members into the bedroom as spectators, yet every day our music collections expose us to shame, ridicule and - when the offending disc is Renaissance, the Village People's ill-judged leap onto the New Romantic bandwagon - physical harm.
So consider the 101 CDs below a survival checklist - the more of them you own, after junking your old stock, the safer you'll be. Just remember to store them casually (precision indicates effort) and learn a few of our offhand remarks so you can turn the tables on your interrogator.
THE PILLARS
They're undeniable, the classics that hold up every good CD shelf. In some cases they've survived decades of play and baby boomer deification, but still sound vital and imposing.
1) The Beatles - Revolver
2) The Beatles - The White Album
3) The Clash - London Calling
4) The Velvet Underground - The Velvet Underground and Nico
5) Bob Dylan - Highway 61 Revisited
6) Marvin Gaye - What's Going On
7) Van Morrison - Astral Weeks
8) The Beach Boys - Pet Sounds
9) The Rolling Stones - Exile on Main Street
10) Nirvana - Nevermind
11) Kraftwerk - Trans-Europe Express
12) Stevie Wonder - Innervisions
13) Prince - Sign O' the Times
14) Radiohead - OK Computer
15) David Bowie - The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars
16) Led Zeppelin - Led Zeppelin IV
17) Michael Jackson - Off the Wall
18) Elvis Costello and the Attractions - Armed Forces
19) The Sex Pistols - Never Mind the Bollocks
20) The Stooges - The Stooges
21) Television - Marquee Moon
22) AC/DC - Back in Black
23) You Am I - Hi-Fi Way
24) Midnight Oil - 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
25) The Saints - I'm Stranded
26) Beck - Odelay
27) The Smiths - The Queen is Dead
28) Public Enemy - Fear of a Black Planet
29) Sonic Youth - Daydream Nation
30) Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - Tender Prey
Casual aside: Thriller has the gaudy hits, but Off the Wall is Jacko's enduring classic.
CENTRE STAGE
Dodgy live albums are a dime a dozen, now augmented by often banal unplugged performances. But a great live set can recapture the atmosphere and transcend the original studio recordings.
31) Johnny Cash - At Folsom Prison
32) The Rolling Stone - Get Yer Ya-Ya's Out!
33) James Brown - Live at the Apollo (1963)
34) Wilco - Kicking Television
35) The Who - Live at Leeds
Casual aside: The quicksilver noise guitar on Kicking Television is Nels Cline.
ALLOWABLE GREATEST HITS
Some snobs will tell you that a Best of is cheating. Pay no attention. Some artists just aren't worthy of a full-length studio session, but if you compile their finest singles you've got distilled magic.
36) Blondie - The Best of
37) Madonna - The Immaculate Collection
38) New Order - Substance
39) Duran Duran - Decade
40) Aretha Franklin - 30 Greatest Hits
41) Bruce Springsteen - The Essential Bruce Springsteen
42) Simon and Garfunkel - Collected Works
43) Crowded House - Recurring Dream
44) Jimi Hendrix - The Ultimate Experience
45) The Kinks - Greatest Hits, Vol. One
Casual aside: You've gotta love Ray Davies' songwriting with the Kinks but his brother Dave hated him.
OBSCURE BUT INFLUENTIAL
Not all great art conquers the chart. A seasoned stockpile needs unexpected detours and some titles that will confound the casual observer - put in a little research and you'll easily justify them.
46) My Bloody Valentine - Loveless
47) The Hummingbirds - Lovebuzz
48) David Byrne and Brian Eno - My Life in the Bush of Ghosts
49) Captain Beefheart - Trout Mask Replica
50) Can - Tago Mago
51) Human League - Dare
52) Pere Ubu - Dub Housing
53) Tortoise - TNT
54) Wu-Tang Clan - Enter The Wu-Tang (36 Chambers)
55) Love - Forever Changes
56) New York Dolls - New York Dolls
57) Snoop Dogg - Doggystyle
58) Patti Smith - Horses
59) The International Submarine Band - Safe at Home
60) Underworld - Dubnobasswithmyheadman
Casual aside: Country-rock wouldn't exist if it wasn't for the International Submarine Band.
UNEXPECTED ALTERNATIVES
You can't be too predictable. The clever interloper might expect to find certain CDs, so that's why you have to have a different title by the same artist. It shows that you have a discerning eye and aren't afraid to reject the established canon.
61) Bjork - Homogenic (not Debut)
62) U2 - Zooropa (not Achtung Baby)
63) Neil Young - Tonight's the Night (not Harvest)
64) Massive Attack - Mezzanine (not Blue Lines)
65) De La Soul - De La Soul is Dead (not 3 Feet High and Rising)
66) Cold Chisel - Circus Animals (not East)
67) The Pixies - Surfer Rosa (not Doolittle)
68) REM - Green (not Out of Time)
69) Tom Waits - Blue Valentine (not Swordfishtrombones)
70) Blur - 13 (not Parklife)
Casual aside: Blur's 13 is the requiem for Britpop - tender, soulful and damaged.
TOMORROW'S CLASSICS TODAY
It's important to keep ahead of the field and show that your antennae are well tuned to contemporary currents. Remember, you don't need a list in Rolling Stone to program your purchases.
71) Ladytron - Witching Hour
72) The Drones - Wait Long By the River and the Bodies of Your Enemies Will Float By
73) Dizzee Rascal - Boy in da Corner
74) P.J. Harvey - Stories From the City, Stories From the Sea
75) Jeff Buckley - Grace
76) Dr Dre - The Chronic
77) Sleater-Kinney - All Hands on the Bad One
78) Refused - Shape of Punk to Come
79) Portishead - Dummy
80) Interpol - Turn on the Bright Lights
81) Susumu Yakota - The Boy and the Tree
82) Joanna Newsom - The MilkEyed Mender
83) The Strokes - Is This It
84) Roni Size - New Forms
85) Arcade Fire - Funeral
Casual aside: Witching Hour is dark, seductive and inevitable - it's an ode to power.
DOUBTFUL BUT JUSTIFIABLE
This category covers the eyebrow-raisers. Their presence may embolden your guest/opponent to think they have caught you out, but in reality they've simply failed to see the baited trap.
86) Fleetwood Mac - Rumours
87) Dusty Springfield - Dusty in Memphis
88) Depeche Mode - Music For the Masses
89) Justin Timberlake - Justified
90) INXS - Kick
91) LL Cool J - Radio
92) Kiss - Destroyer
93) Peter Gabriel - Peter Gabriel (3)
94) Rod Stewart - Every Picture Tells a Story
95) Grace Jones - Nightclubbing
Casual aside: Destroyer is bubblegum rock perfection.
DOMESTIC HARMONY
Patriotism may be the last refuge of the scoundrel, but some local titles that demonstrate your knowledge of Australian music and its rich history are essential.
96) The Easybeats - Easy
97) Underground Lovers - Leaves Me Blind
98) Hunters and Collectors - Human Frailty
99) Something for Kate - Echolalia
100) The Avalanches - Since I Left You
Casual aside: Human Frailty is the perfect mash-up of St Kilda and pub rock.
THE PERFECT FLAW
Compare and contrast; as good as your collection may be with the addition of the 100 titles listed above, you need one failure to offset and bring your holdings into perfect focus.
101) The worst CD from your current stash
Casual aside: Pretty dodgy, isn't it? But you've just got to enjoy music. You can't plan your CD selection.
How do you qualify to be a music critic? I suspect it's something to do with being a wanker.
Posted by: Tim | 12 December 2006 at 13:41
Do you need to know a treble clef from an ampersand? Or does a desperate editor merely fix his eye on the the youngest person in the office and say "you're it"?
Probably the latter. It takes a person with a degree in idiocy to come up with lines like "The polyharmonies in Pink Floyd are reminiscent of Boccherini at his neo-baroque best."* And you don't see that sort of nonsense in the papers. Still, some of the best critics were musicians (G B Shaw on opera is pretty good, if you can get hold of him).
Also - no Frank Zappa??!?
*Yes, I'm afraid I'm one of them.
Posted by: TimT | 12 December 2006 at 13:47
Command and control types, music critics.
"Zeez are de records we shall be listening to!"
I've been reading shit reviews of Elton John all over the country on the internet. Saw him last night, brilliant. The old bloke can sing better now than he ever has, not to mention the piano playing.
Freddie, The Gilo, KP and Knack-knee Vaughan all spotted too. "This one's for Freddy and the boys," said Reggie, introducing Rocket Man.
Nice.
Posted by: Gareth | 12 December 2006 at 13:52
Just on this:
Still, some of the best critics were musicians (G B Shaw on opera is pretty good, if you can get hold of him).
I should have said that Shaw was also a good amateur musician, which would have made thjat sentence make more sense.
Posted by: TimT | 12 December 2006 at 14:05
Disappointed Mathieson didn't slip in a "corruscating" or a "searing" but you can't have everything.
Those Poms seem to be spending a lot of time at concerts. Cue the obligatory "they should be practicing instead".
Posted by: Tony.T | 12 December 2006 at 14:36
Tony, that hipster guide has made me feel ill.
Posted by: Alistair | 12 December 2006 at 19:03
17 bits of junk mail
I'm claiming the record
(But anyone else is welcome to it)
Posted by: chrisl | 12 December 2006 at 20:23
Alistair: You know why I feel ill? Because when I see these lists and see the same old same olds, I despair that I just don't much like them anymore.
Sorry, Chris, I don't get it.
Posted by: Tony.T | 12 December 2006 at 20:43
First off The Velvet Underground - The Velvet Underground and Nico and Captain Beefheart - Trout Mask Replica must be asteriscised in triplicate i.e. ***there's diamonds in this shit - don't blame me if you always look at the CDs and burn with indignation that you shelled out for this when you could have bought Alice Cooper's Love it to Death. I believe if memory serves me correct even you admitted that Nico sounds worse than a cow giving birth out its arse. And except for the first half of Veteran's Day Poppy that CD still makes me angry.
I would make way in compilation's for Queen's Best Of - the first release, NOT the one with "seven seas of rye" which came a year or so later with exactly the same cover. It is brilliant - not one bad song.
I'd swap Hunners Frailty for 42 Wheels original vinyl version (not the rejigged mess) - absolutely foot stompin beer drinkin glass smashin album. Maybe throw in Hoodoo Gurus Stoneage Romeos.
Glad to see Odelay gets a gurnsey but I'd also throw in Sea Change and Mutations.
Sgt. Peppers is the best Beatles for mine - and White Album just shouldn't be rated as an album. Great songs and some real crap as well - Martha My Dear, Honey Pie, Don't Pass Me By, Savoy Truffle, Piggies, Why Don't we Do it in the Road, Rocky Raccoon and even Lennon comes a gutsa with Bungalow Bill. Remove these and you have a great "album" - with them thank god for CD's otherwise you'd be up and down removing and replacing the needle.
Posted by: pat | 12 December 2006 at 21:25
Not 42 wheels Jaws of Life.
Posted by: pat | 12 December 2006 at 21:27
I add, Still the 12th Man by the 12th Man to the Domestic Harmony list.
Posted by: James Dudek | 13 December 2006 at 01:17
I would also put "Domestic Harmony" by Do Re Mi in the "Domestic Harmony" category.
Hats off for including the Hummingbirds.
Posted by: Simon | 13 December 2006 at 08:46
Yeah I liked The Hummingbirds reference. I feel slightly less than a total loser now, at least in the eyes of the music Nazis.
Posted by: fm | 13 December 2006 at 13:54
Worst CD from Current Stash: Rod Stewart - Vagabond Heart
Mind you a lot of my friends bought Vanilla Ice's album around the same time, so I got off easy.
Posted by: Yobbo | 13 December 2006 at 18:00
Since when is dreariness an obstacle to greatness? Nevertheless, including The Smiths and Interpol while failing to include Leonard Cohen and Joy Division, or including Television while neglecting the Ramones is a reductio ad absurdum, thereby proving rigorously and conclusively that the entire article is crap.
Posted by: Clem Snide | 14 December 2006 at 23:36
Just sitting here enjoying the Christmas cheer (no heckling neighbours or wildlife - actually observing a possum on the deck
right now) I have given this subject much thought, as it deserves. Let me make this allowance from the start; I humble myself
before your musical erudition. From a musical plebian I make these adjustments/observations:
1) Shabooh Shoobah - THE best INXS album. Though I rate Kick highly, this album started the whole thing and still
rocks today.
2) Compilations: New Order Substance is great but Power, Corruption and Lies is the seminal New Order album. I
made love to a girl from OLMC in the backseat of a Datsun 200B to this album and,
3) OMD (Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark ) - Junk Culture. Seemingly a bunch of pom poofs but actually full-on, hard
core lotharios.
**Double Asterisk Alert!!
This one for the tape deck looking for waves on the Northern Beaches
Side 1: Midnight Oil - Place Without a Postcard
Side 2: The Cure - Seventeen Seconds
Anger Management:
1) Alice In Chains - Dirt. This is rage from start to end and must be up full blast.
2) Rage Against the Machine - Rage Against the Machine. This goes to 11 on the dial. A solid sub woofer a must.
3) Slipknot - Vol. 3: (The Subliminal Verses) Fuck me! but this needs to be heard by all teenage men entering
adulthood.
Loving, tight, ooze:
1) Air - Moon Safari. But as an added bonus add Run from Talkie Walkie
2) Groove Armada - split between Vertigo and Lovebox. Tuning In is one of my top 10 songs of all time.
3) Morcheeba - Big Calm. The music and most of all Skye Edwards voice - long slow barring and thrust guaranteed.
Mental Anguish:
1) Janes Addiction - Ritual de lo Habitual from the Spanish intro this is unsettling, rock hard, melancholy,
everything.
2) The The - Infected. So much self doubt. So much left-tardism. So much excellent.
3) The Stranglers - Aural Sculpture. They set a goal - they achieved it.
3*) XTC - English Settlement. People need to hear this double album.
Melancholy
1) No one does it better than Beck - Sea Change or Mutations. This is an artist hurting and facing it.
2) Radiohead - OK Computer You know it. Makes me want to weep like Seachange
3) Godley & Creme - Cry The single. Just keep on repeating it, over and over, and over and over and.....
4) Cry's not an album so: Cowboy Junkies - Trinity Session. These people need some loving hugs.
Just Rocking:
1) Led Zeppelin - Led Zeppelin This is where it all began and I mean it.all! They caaaaaaall me the Hunter...that's mah naame!
2) Foo Fighters - The Colour and the Shape. This is up, this is fun, this rocks.
3) The Police - Outlandos d'Amour or Reggatta de Blanc Take your pick.
Feeling wired and drowsy aka ripped:
1) The Doors - LA Woman C'mon, this is the best thing from the 60's and 70's combined. I first heard this album off my face at a bonfire in the middle of the bush up Armidale way. I cannot believe this album doesn't rate top 10 always - it just has everything.
2) Hunters & Collectors - Talking to A Stranger Each song lasts a lifetime and each song is so complicated that it still has something new to give.
3) Frankie Goes to Hollywood - Welcome to the Pleasuredome Pull some cones, get in a fast car with a good stereo and drive from the M4 toll gates to whenever you hit a tree. This is the soundtrack.
What!? No Talking Heads?!
Speaking In Tongues
Remain In Light
Fear of Music
I'm tilting towards the latter. As Ingeborg Schober from Bayerischer Rundfunk says "There is no number one - they're all number ones."
So much to choose from:
The Pretenders - Pretenders
Gang of Four - Entertainment
Michelle Shocked - Short Sharp Shocked
The Pogues - Rum, Sodomy and the Lash
Fat Boy Slim - You've Come a Long Way
Models - Pleasure of Your Company
I will one day go on with this list. Each album has a mood and can be listened to from go to end. Not all of them are considered classics but I'd recommend each one to anyone.
For my denouement I have revised my #1 Beatles selection and upon reflection it is without a doubt......drum roll....
Magical Mystery Tour - check it out.
Posted by: pat | 23 December 2006 at 01:20
Impressive list, Pat. Do you realise I wouldn't know New Order from Flock of Seagulls? When the eighties were in full swing, I was living in the Pilbara. Doing the rounds on 6KA and 6NW were Bananarama, J. Geils Band (The Shit Years), Spandau Ballet, Human League and Stars on 45. At least they played XTC.
Right now I'm playing this.
Posted by: Tony.T | 25 December 2006 at 19:11
Sad but true: my oldest daughter loves Centrefold. I had to surreptitiously remove it in case questions started to be asked about what it meant.
The 80's were great musically. Tacky but great. And I now vote Devo's Freedom of Choice as the best album of the 80's. Just read on wiki "Devo remained popular in countries such as Australia, where the nationally broadcast '70s-'80s pop TV show Countdown was one of the first programs in the world to broadcast their video clips. They were given consistent radio support by Sydney-based noncommercial rock station Double Jay (2JJ), one of the first rock stations outside America to play their recordings. The late-night music program Nightmoves aired The Truth About De-Evolution."
Another Australian claim to fame. Not sure if it was Nightmoves or Sounds but I remember the host "Donny Sutherland" interviewing Iggy Pop and his asian girlfriend at the time. Being young I wondered what the hell was wrong with this Pop fella - he was up and down on the seat, jumping around, manic and quite - well, mental. It was later that my brother explained he was on drugs. Wow. It blew my mind. I also remember Donnie interviewing Marilyn Chambers and Donnie being pretty hot and bothered (as was I). Now its all just video rotation and a bunch of heavily made up skanks with tramp stamps shaking their arse - with no class.
Re. The Who, I'm ashamed to say I've only ever bought their best of. I will rectify it if I can download an album from Limewire.
Posted by: pat | 29 December 2006 at 17:00
The J. Geil's Band's live album Full House was one of my first favourite albums. It rocked. Or so I thought. I heard it recently and it sounded tinny.
Mark Mothersbaugh, the main man from Devo, is the guy whot dun all the music for Wes Anderson's fillums. Any soundtrack he's involved with is worth a listen. The Royal Tenenbaums is a shit movie but it at least contains some fine songs. And Rushmore contains Making Time by Creation, Ooh La La by The Faces AND A Quick One While He's Away by The Who. Get it.
For best album of the eighties you can't to go past David & David's Boomtown. Well, you can go past it, but I like it all the same. Swallowed By The Cracks is one of my favourite songs.
Posted by: Tony.T | 30 December 2006 at 20:48
I've always thought the soundtrack to The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou was particularly good. Mothersbaugh's music really blends quite well with the Brazillian stuff.
Posted by: Harry | 31 December 2006 at 11:38
Hrm, Brazilian, even.
Posted by: Harry | 31 December 2006 at 11:39
Good stuff, Harry. I didn't mention The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou because I wanted to see if Pat would jump in because he loves the fillum. Or even Paul Bickford who hates it "the most turgid, pointless, self-indulgent and utterly spastic waste of celluloid I've seen in many a day- not just a waste, but a total destruction of over two hours of my life". Bloody canetoad, wouldn't know a good movie if it bit him on the second unit.
I really loved it, and in fact, bought the DVD last week.
Posted by: Tony.T | 31 December 2006 at 14:21
Tell you the truth, I've only ever heard the soundtrack! Though I am quite enjoying Bill Murray's sad old man phase, so I may check it out if the mood strikes me.
Posted by: Harry | 31 December 2006 at 14:33
I would've commented but have been too distracted by an absolutely massive storm and torrential rain that has hit the mountains. If this is heading to Sydney then tomorrow's toss will be another good one to lose. It will be seaming all over the place - a McGrath made track.
I also noticed on that list of films Mothersbaugh has scored Rugrats in Paris which gets heavy rotation here. I'll now have something to keep my interest on the next viewing. Song of note in that movie is Sinead O'Connor's When You Love - at the beginning when all the kids are dancing with their mums but Chuckie has no mum as she died when he was a babe so he stands there watching - quite a tear jerker (sob,sob).
Which reminds me of another tear jerker movie moment and song - Sarah McLachlan's When She Loved Me from Toy Story II on Jessie's backstory. Heartbreaking.
Back OT. The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. Great film made even better by the soundtrack. I had no idea about the Devo/Mothersbaugh connection so now that I do it makes sense that I liked it so much.
Re. Mothersbaugh. It is amazing how "four dead in Ohio," have inspired so much great music.
Posted by: pat | 31 December 2006 at 15:29
Some subsequent thoughts upon reading your list that have come to mind are the impact of the producer on any bands artistry and success. Producers that come to mind are Bob Ezrin, Brian Eno, Nigel Godrich and Phil Spector.
Ezrin produced:
from your list Kiss's Destroyer
not on my list but mentioned earlier Alice Cooper's Love it to Death and everything up to Lace and Whiskey.
Other notable albums being Pink Floyd's The Wall, Lou Reed's Berlin, and Jane's Addiction Strays.
Eno obviously with Roxy Music but also Devo, Talking Heads - two being Remain in Light and Fear of Music, U2's The Joshua Tree (in my top 100 albums for sure). The Eno tune Sky Saw from Another Green World is excellent as is the album. I first heard this on the Dogs in Space soundtrack which also led me to Iggy Pop's New Values - in my top 100.
Nigel Godrich:
Radiohead producer and from your list Ok Computer
Beck Sea Change and Mutations and the last two.
Re-created McCartney on Chaos and Creation in the Backyard which I haven't heard.
Spector's influence is legend. Two albums on my top 100 being Lennon's Imagine and Plastic Ono Band.
Just listening now to Love the George Martin and his son recreation of Beatles tunes for Cirque De Soleil and again I'm struck by how integral he was to their success. Definitely the 5th Beatle, as corny as that sounds. The reworking of Strawberry Fields is worth the price of a another Beatles compilation.
Posted by: pat | 31 December 2006 at 16:21
Just asked the mrs if we could borrow Life Aquatic and watch it tonight - rolling eyes, silence, contempt. "I liked the music but...". Sigh.
Posted by: pat | 31 December 2006 at 17:31