After Grog Blog

NEW SCHOOL TIES

I went to a private school and now teach at a public technical school, so you'd think I'd be well placed to join the Private/Public debate. I mean, I'm not the only person to tread the path in that direction, but you never know, I might offer some new perspective. Yet I've been looking at this first paragraph for around an hour now, and I've got rock-all worthwhile to add. Not even sure I want to add anything.

What I will say is that I don't like Linda Withington. It's not just "I don't want my daughter to grow up to be pretentious but I want her to be nurtured educationally" bad as that is. It's the whole thing.

At a playgroup in Malvern, Linda Withington, is talking about private schools for her children - Stella, 4, and Leo, 2.

Educated at government schools in Broadmeadows, Withington is a believer in state education but, as university entry becomes tighter, she does not want to take the risk.

She has her children's names down at Caulfield Grammar, Xavier, St Kevins, Lauriston, Maundeville [Mandeville, aaactually], and Sacre Coeur

"I believe so strongly in government schools but I didn't want to interfere with my kids' options in life," says Withington, a former teacher in government system.

"I think it comes down to policies by he Kennett and Howard governments - they (government schools) have been so strongly undermined and underfunded, ostensibly to offer a choice of types of school, but actually we lose. I feel I have no other choice," she says.

"I come from a working-class background. I don't want my daughter to grow up to be pretentious but I want her to be nurtured educationally."

From yesterday's Age.

BYTES AND PIECES

TERRY LAME
Thursday on The Conversation Hour and Terry Lane is slurpishly sucking up Debbie Reynolds: "When you were making Singing in the Rain, you'll always be Kathy Sheldon to me, etc". And Kathy Selden to everyone else.

IS IT ME? AM I ON YET?
Long time commenter, first time blogger.

PLANE SPEAKING
Rodney Hogg on SEN: "Hansie Cronje was assassinated, no doubt about it. The plane crash was not an accident."

WHERE WOLF?
Why does Foxtel have An American Werewolf in Paris on high rotation, were-as An American Werewolf in London is rarely, if ever, shown?

NO HARM DONE
Favourable signs for the Ashes. Steve Harmison has used up his one good day for the year.

GRIM DEPTH
Are we that buggered for talent in Strayan sports commentary? Robert Fidgeon: "Fox Footy's Clinton Grybas, one of the top three sports commentators in Australia." Or TV critics?

SUBURBAN SCRAWL
Speaking of The Conversation Hour - Ba! Dum! Early this year I was fleeing Sydney through the suburb of Engadine, listening to Minette Walters, when it occurred to me that Engadine would make a great name for poison. "I am sorry," oozed D'Sartor malevolently. "But there is no antidote to living in Sydney." So, is Engadine a nice place, then?

DEPARTHEID?
Tony Grieg gorn?

while Benaud was happy to talk publicly about the length of his contract, others were not. Tony Greig, for instance, bristled when we broached the subject of his future, a relevant inquiry we thought, given that his good friend Kerry Packer is no longer with us and also because, despite Packer's longstanding support, he invariably finishes near the bottom of popularity polls.

SLAPPER BACKED
Big call by Nick Bray and/or Sean Fewster in the Hun TV guide: "Much of [The new Dr Who] success comes from the appeal of Rose, arguably the best companion the Doctor has had."

STRIKE UP THE BLONDE

"Put no lights on the Christmas tree mother, I'll be in the electric chair tonight."

Yes, there's only one film where you'll hear a mobster pitch that line as a song title to a Tin Pan Alley publicist dealing with a client who's only musical talent is impersonating a steam whistle. And that flick is, has to be, and is got to be The Girl Can't Help It.

(1956. Technicolor! Script: Frank Tashlin, Garson Kanin & Herbert Baker. Direction: Frank Tashlin Cinematography: Leon Shamroy. Score: Too many good musicians to mention. Just watch the bloody thing.)

Imagine a Warner Bros cartoon version of Some Like It Hot in glorious gaudy Technicolor with a much much better soundtrack.

Frank Tashlin directed quite a few Warner Bros cartoons before he started working with live actors in "Girl". But it was still all one big cartoon to him, opening and closing with Duck Amuck funny business playing games with the fact you're watching a movie.

And in the hour and half in between, you're treated to a brilliantly-coloured screwball comedy about mobsters and showbiz that just barrels along constantly flinging out single, double and triple entendres, setting up scenes of classical farce and showcasing some of the best rock and roll and r'n'b talent ever.

It's got Jayne Mansfield showing she was an even funnier and more um, upfront comedienne than Monroe, B-movie stalwart Edmond O'Brien as a bullheaded mobster, Tom Ewell as the often flustered but always fast-talking press agent trying to stay afloat, Barry Gordon as a wisecracking paperboy who's perhaps growing up a little too fast and Henry Jones stealing every scene he's in as O'Brien's lugubrious sidekick. And the sets and clothes are also perfectly cast - from the niteclubs and batchelor pads to the fedoras and slinky tuxes and nightgowns.

Did I mention it's also got some good music too? Like beautifully shot and recorded live performances by Fats Domino, Little Richard, Gene Vincent, the Platters, Eddie Cochran, the Treniers and more, all capture at the height of their powers.

And the whole package was co-written and directed by one of the main people behind Daffy Duck, Bugs Bunny, Elmer Fudd, Foghorn Leghorn, Pepé Le Pew and Porky the Pig and who's now jiving along to Little Richard and Gene Vincent while asking Jayne Mansfield to sashay a bit more as she walks along a hot New York street clutching bottles of milk to her bosom.

Frank then went to make Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter and a bunch of Martin and Lewis flicks including Artists & Models. But I reckon “Girl” is still his masterwork, a gorgeous cartoon of our dream of America at it's funniest, craziest, sexiest, most stylish, zany, rock 'n' rolling peak. I can also testify from personal experience it's a great date movie, leaving whoever has accompanied you laughing so much they can't help it. It certain beats the pants off and then delivers a massive Looney Tunes wedgie to Be Cool.

GrogFlog verdict: "If that's a girl, then I don't know what my sister is!" 6.89655 out of 10.

Coming soon: GrogFlog contemplates its freshly extracted digit. Actually I'm sorta in a Dean Martin, James Coburn, Robert Mitchum groove at the moment. So if you're looking for a critical re-evaluation of the role of the Matt Helm movies in dealing with the shifting personas of male sexuality in the sixties, you're fresh out of luck. It's Dean's suits I'd rather blog about.

PUN DOWN

"The last true showcase for elegant language, sparkling wit, and groan-inducing puns." Thus Clive Thompson describes this blog. He's spot on, too, except for the bit about the groan-inducing puns. Doubtless he meant grin-ducing.

Any. Way. Thompson's article is actually about the New York Times crossword, which he compares with the tedious Sudoku. I've never seen a Times crossword, you've got to fork out to read it, but I seem to recall American crosswords are a different beasty from those in the civilised world. An untidy cross - Tah! Dahh! - between cryptics and the general knowledge versions. It could also be that Thompson is talking utter rubbish because the "Classic Puzzle from The New York Times Archive" is pants. Nevertheless, if you know a good American crossword can you point me in the right direction.

Speaking of crosswords - any idea?

UNAPPEALING

That the Saturday Age crossword compiler is a lefty should not surprise anyone, it's the Age, right - or left. Still, for every ten adjective-laden clues like "Who sacked the democratically elected government of Australia in 1975?" he could maybe slot in a token "The federal member for Cunningham. Who proposed a pipeline be built around Gough Whitlam's ego?"

But that's politics, and politics is only a game so it doesn't really matter. Not so cricket. Leave cricket alone, you stinky, dandruff flecked, corduroy clad, Fitzroy stereotype:

ANIMAL WRONGS

Recently caught a few minutes of The Chaser, caught as in caught a cold. Two chaserers - don't ask me which ones - brandished placards while scampering about Taronga Park Zoo protesting the animals' abuse of fur.

Could be the rest of the show was a stunning success. Like The Wedge, yet another high-watermark in Aussie comedy which I was foolish to miss. But by any measure this sketch was astonishingly unfunny. I mean, it was dismal, and left me wondering whether those responsible vet their gear before it goes to air. Had they done so they would surely have sussed this dog was a stinker - and yet they allowed it to drag on for several minutes.

A quick gag may have been alright, possibly even funny. A picture with a witty caption, perhaps. But several minutes of tits screeching at animals? Come on.

A picture with a witty caption, perhaps.

DEE AND MEANINGFUL

My friend Sutty has a theory:

Your first girlfriend is great. You get on brilliantly, love doing things together, spend ages on the phone talking happy rubbish, smooch in public, hold hands and have a very nice time indeed. But! You just know that one day she's going to dump you for your best friend.

That is what it's like to barrack for Melbourne.

Dumpage like that never happened to me - I mean, get a grip, man! But I take his point.

No Demon fan in his or her right mind would be optimistic about Melbourne's chances this year. Something is bound to go wrong. And then there's my suspicion some of the Melbourne players are soft. If you think that's a loser attitude, well jam it, you ought to try following the Dees for a spell. As that noted football expert, Dr Zachary Smith was wont to comment "Ooh, the pain."

This season the pain is being caused by Wet Toast. Despite Melbourne stringing together a series of wins, the best chance for the 'Mons to win the flag is for them to finish in the top two. That way they receive a home ground advantage in the finals. Yes, yes, it's been done from outside the top two before, but it's no cinch. The Cows have a lock on first place, so that leaves the second place Toast. Yet, while the West Coast Coolers (peach flavour) are playing well below their best, they keep falling over the bastard line. The Cats squibbed it, the Hawks are crap, the Blues crapper and the Pinks were dudded by the umps. WC lose a couple of those games and Melbourne are in a tidy position, but as it stands, the Eagles look able to hang on to second. In fact, they've got out of jail so many times, I'm on the verge of tagging them Premiership Favourites. Be mindful of the mozz, Eagles.

OUTSIDE JOB

Scoop! Two cops just nicked a guy in the street, right outside my house beside the tree. From the look of the malefactor he was known to police, too. A right villain. A toerag. A scrote. Nor did he go quietly - he grabbed a parking sign and despite encouragement from the boys in blue, took an eon to let go. I wanted him to scream "You ain't gonna take me alive, copper!" and jump off the curb into the gutter, but he just mumbled something about why a television happened to be sitting on the footpath.

Sadly, neither cop told me to "Move along, sir, nothing to see here", all I got was a cheery "G'day, mate". He must have been the good cop. I was tempted to ask if he'd like to borrow my telephone book, but I figured that might be pressing the bounds of cordiality.

TV's still there, by the way.

Update! Looks like someone is having trouble shifting the goods. Dunno why. That's some choice swag.

TECHNICOLOUR LEARN

If a student threw up in your class, what would be your immediate course of inaction?

1. Grimace
2. Get the cleaner
3. Send the student to sickbay
4. Announce to the class "From now on, we call him Chuck".

Bonus spew poll. Which is more disgusting?

1. Chuck up
2. Up chuck

LOST FOR WORDS

Television is almost completely devoid of surprises. That's no surprise. However, it's fair to say last Thursday's Lost came as something of a shock. Three significant characters bumped off in quick succession, and the mysterious, unseen "He" left to gloat, cackle, or pat his cat. Haven't been that surprised since I was first told "we want you to be a teacher".

Note: Levels of surprise contained within this post should not be compared with the levels of surprise expressed by my teachers upon discovering I am a teacher.

Note: The other note is almost completely devoid of fluorocarbons.

CROWE: FARK

OFF!

Cricket must toss out chuckers, says Crowe

NEW Zealand great Martin Crowe has launched a thinly disguised attack on Muthiah Muralidaran, calling on officials to make sure "chuckers" were chucked out of cricket.

Changes to international regulations brought about by investigations into the controversial Sri Lanka off-spinner's action mean elite bowlers are allowed a maximum of 15 degrees of straightening in delivery.

But there is no room for manoeuvre under the Laws of Cricket, and former Test batsman Crowe insisted that was right.

"I have zero tolerance of chucking in cricket," Crowe said while giving the 2006 Cowdrey Lecture at Lord's.

"I'm sick to death with the hypocrisy of the last 10 years.

"I don't care about talk of 15 degrees here or 10 degrees there. If with the naked eye a bowler is clearly chucking — even by one degree — he should be chucked out.

"To straighten your arm from any bent position is a massive advantage over other bowlers who bowl properly."

Then, in a reference to Muralidaran, he added: "Having been pinned in the head by chuckers over 15 years, having been dubiously bowled first ball in a Test by a certain Sri Lanka bowler, having tried to bowl a decent ball myself with a straight arm, I've had more than enough of this aspect of the game."

In a wide-ranging speech, Crowe also called for the World Cup to be shortened and one-day games to feature two innings per side. He also said minnows Bangladesh and Zimbabwe should be thrown out of Test cricket, saying they were "clogging up the works".

Update! Do you think the chuckanistas at CrocInfo are having a dig at Crowe? Check out their gratuitous last paragraph:

Crowe criticises ICC's '15-degree bend'

Martin Crowe, the former New Zealand captain, has said that the ICC's decision to allow a 15-degree straightening of the arm when bowling is turning out to be "cricket's Achilles heel" and that the law, which was fine ten years ago, now has room to be bent.

"If by the naked eye a bowler is clearly chucking, he should be chucked out," Crowe said at the MCC's Spirit of Cricket Cowdrey Lecture at Lord's. "Having been pinned in the head by chuckers over 15 years, having been bowled first ball in a Test by a certain Sri Lankan bowler, I've had more than enough of this aspect of the game.

"To straighten your arm from a bent position is a massive advantage. If the umpire believes he has seen a throw then he should, as part of the laws of cricket, be allowed to no ball it or at least report it."

Crowe also said that Test cricket was being undermined by the continued presence of weak teams like Bangladesh and Zimbabwe. "Bangladesh have played a staggering 44 Tests, for one win, over just six years - they simply aren't going to make it." Bangladesh received Test status in 2000-01 and the only Test they have won, has been against Zimbabwe at Chittagong.

"The game is too ruthless in all respects for the top nations to allow Bangladesh to step up," said Crowe. "Let's face it, Bangladesh and Zimbabwe are being kept on the international stage for political reasons - what hypocrisy from the ICC that argues that politics should not come into the sport."

Crowe won two out the 16 Tests that he captained, losing and drawing seven each. The two victories came against Zimbabwe and Australia in 1992-93.

TUBEAUTY

A little bit of leverage.

ZED CARD

BONE A FRIEND

In traditional cuisine, which condiment should be used to accompany a shit sandwich?

1. Mustard
2. Golden syrup
3. Tomato sauce
4. Lumpy gravy

HAPPY IS LARRY

Speaking of Deadwood, Leaping Larry L reviews it in today's Age:

You'd swear, it's so good

DEADWOOD is that rarest of all rare birds, a great television show - so much better than most television, that it's scarcely recognisable as a television show at all. Call it "movie-quality entertainment" for short and you're halfway there.

ARTS BANDITS

A little culture then:

$7m brawl over art

ART treasures worth $7 million have been banned from sale as two former lovers trade barbs in a legal fight involving Deputy Lord Mayor Gary Singer.

Pitted against each other in the battle for riches are ex-partners National Gallery of Victoria curator Geoffrey Smith and art dealer Robert Gould.

At the heart of the feud are paintings by Australian masters including Sidney Nolan, Arthur Boyd and Charles Blackman.

The court fight has unveiled a lifestyle of overseas trips, designer suits, extravagant dinners, property portfolios and an alleged love triangle.

TIGHT ARTS TUESDAY

Speaking of art, this is some other TT. Which is odd, really, and not a little coincidental, because yesterday Boynton and I clipped our freebie coupons from the Herald Sun and tooled along to the Pablo Show at the NGV. There were hundreds of paintings, photos and fillums on display, many of which we enjoyed seeing (Or is that viewing?) despite having to endure the experience with hoards of other vile couponistas:

WEIRD GOONS

Deadwood. Struggling to recall a better pairing than Al Swearengen's loyal henchmen, Dan Dorrity and Johnny Burns. When the show started out Dan was a vicious thug and Johnny a hopeless oaf. They still are. But because Deadwood allows its characters room to develop they have become the best sidekicks since Hank and Artie on Larry Sanders.

SLTHR & WHCK

One-day cricket is mostly tedious, sometimes interesting and very occasionally breathtaking. 20/20, on the other hand, is tricked-up nonsense aimed at children and cretins. Neither form comes within grovelling distance of the nuanced beauty that is test cricket. So I don't particularly care that Andrew Johns was picked for the NSW 20/20 squad. Big deal! Another dancing panda at the circus makes rock all difference to me.

Smarmoid Michael Slater disagrees: "It chips away at the integrity of 20/20."

I had to read that twice. A Channel Nine commentator is concerned about the integrity of "cricket".

Keep an ear out for Integrity Slatts this season. What's the chance of him uttering any criticism if Channel Nine, while selling the international 20/20s, decide to introduce, well, a dancing panda into this year's Australian team.