After Grog Blog

HOTEL ILLNESS

Richmond's Grand Hotel is reviewed in today's Age Magazine:

My date's eye falls upon the item like a hungry Olympic Park dishlicker on the lure. "Rabbit of the day," says he, in a tone I chose to interpret as one of awe in my ability to find interesting places to eat. Indeed, it's something I've never seen either, but if it makes sense anywhere, it's at the Grand, Richmond's increasingly superb gastro-pub with Italian ticker.

Were you running an eatery, would you want it referred to as a gastro-eatery? I mean, having endured the odd bout o' blurts, gastro doesn't conjure up fond food memories; especially in the date's eye department.

DEATH ROWE

"We are 110% behind Jessica, she has our full support, and we will be replacing her in the morning."

Eddie McGuire forced to back Today star

NINE Network boss Eddie McGuire last night declared his full support for besieged Today show co-host Jessica Rowe, as he faced a growing revolt among stars and senior staff anxious about the network's future.

Sounds like Nine are getting ready to sack her to the hilt.

BESIEGE MENTALITY!

A poll then. What's your favourite strife-word?

1. Besieged
2. Beleaguered
3. Embattled

D'OUGH!

Well, I'm sick. But not so sick that I can't be further sicked by the bullshit bad habits bastardising our language. I mean, fair dinkum!

GUT FECKED! Don't get me started on "gutted".

AZZURI! AZZURI! AZZURI! OI! OI! OI!

The big match, la matche grande. Eyetayans, Strayans and Eyetayan Strayans will be out in force tonight. Lygon Street, Carlton, Poohtown, Braxtoria, 3053. Close your eyes and smell the espresso, the VB and Mick Gatto's gunshot residue. Multicutchalism is the winner.

NAKED LUNCH

Unpalatable criticism from the unimpressed cook:

Jamie Oliver calls Melbourne 'drug plagued'

GLOBE-TROTTING celebrity chef Jamie Oliver has described Melbourne as one of the most drug-plagued cities in the world. In an exclusive interview with the Sunday Herald Sun, the English chef unleashed a broadside on the city's drug-addled underbelly.

Oliver revealed that the shock of seeing young drug addicts shooting up in St Kilda swayed him to choose Australia for his latest restaurant project. "I've been loads of places, right, and Melbourne is the only place I have ever seen multiple kids jacking up on the street," Oliver said. "Don't get me wrong, every city has its light and shade, but you do have your share of shade."

PRICE IS RIGHT

My students have a lot wrong with them. "Big Brother was great last night, Tone." See what I mean. "I don't watch it; I'm not an imbecile."

Neither is Matt Price:

Last week Inquirer carried a wordy and erudite appraisal of Big Brother by the eminent, always entertaining public intellectual Peter Craven. It contained a disturbing amount of tosh; beautifully written tosh, but tosh nonetheless.

Exhibit A: "It's a reality soap of great viability. You can say Big Brother resembles one of the great TV documentaries such as Michael Apted's Seven Up the way Neighbours resembles Anna Karenina, and you would be right. But there are energies as well as reflected realities that the popular product shares with the high moral purpose and artistic design of the serious work."

Perversely, this kind of fancy-pants analysis riles almost as much as the muck on which it ruminates. It's one thing for network executives to come up with a seductive, lowest-common-denominator idea and milk it dry; that's what they're genetically and professionally programmed to do.

But this kind of highfalutin analysis only justifies and encourages the sleaze; this emperor, like most of the Big Brother housemates, wears no clothes.

It's a good article, why Craven would stoop to boosting Big Brother is beyond me, but the Price focus is too narrow. BB is not bad because it's sleazy, it's bad simply because it's bad. The show has no redeeming features, even the ads shit me. The only reason anyone would watch such rubbish is because there is something wrong with them.

HAUTE QUIZINE

Is the Eiffel Tower a building? The issue came up at trivia the other night - "Which building did the Empire State overtake to become the world's tallest?" After clarifying the question with a very pointed "Do you mean building or structure?" we went with the Chrysler Building. We were marked wrong. I haven't since been able to find anything definitive, but quizmaster Leon said the Eiffel Tower was right because a lobster is an animal.

POP QUIZ

James Blunt is awful. Doubtless that's news only to me, as everyone seems to be potting him, but I wanted to stick the boots in, too.

I heard about Blunt before I heard him. "The English singer-songwriter is a new star in our musical firmamant." You know the thing - spin, polish, bollocks. Going by the blurb it shouldn't have surprised me when I saw on Parkinson how truly hideous he was, and yet it did. I know Parky's lowered his standards, but surely, SURELY, he's above plugging such rancid rubbish. Then I heard Blunt on the rayjo and realised I'd undersold the fucker, he was even worse than truly hideous. Shit. House. Maybe my bullshit detector needed a tune-up, but here was a singer with a voice to make bats crash into buildings.

Serious question: Has there been a lower point in modern music? Don't think about it too hard, mind, he's not worth the effort. In one word, or less, describe James Blunt.

MANSCAPING

UNAFFAIR TO REMEMBER

Debrief Encounter?

We never had sex, Rex Hunt's lover says

"He would arrange to meet me - usually in a laneway - always somewhere public ... I believe he got off on the fact that we might get caught," she said. "I was to look him straight in the eye and breathe on him. I would tell him he was wonderful, then he would work himself into a State of Rexcitement [sorry, that was me], shouting 'Oh my God, you are going to kill me; you're going to give me a heart attack'. Then he'd either, in the car or out of it, depending on how cold it was, fling off all his clothes."

Should Big Wrecksy ever split from his wife, I've got dibs on the headline - Ex Hunt.

KISS MY BRASS

(Yes, it is rude, and almost possibly not safe for work. Almost. Get on the front foot and invite your boss over for a laugh.)

BIRD OF NAY

A little cricket then: Hawk-Eye.

Regular readers here at the AGB are a largely sensible bunch functioning with the majority of their faculties intact including almost fully operational bullshit detectors. (Notable exceptions are ... well, you know who.) We have been known to spot the odd rook and one of the regular rooks raised here is Hawk, cricket and tennis' toy du jour.

There is nothing Hawk can't reveal that can't be better shown by a blue pitch-mat between the stumps, combined with Super-Slo-Mo, high resolution footage. The ability of the viewer/umpire to accurately extrapolate the trajectory of a ball using the latter is patently superior to that of the former where frequent errors are revealed, especially when the ball moves late. (Troll through the archives for examples.) As I see it, the main reason Channel Nine in particular and pundits in general defer to Hawk is because: a) it gives sexy graphics to talk about rather than tactics; and b) it affords yet another opportunity for TV producers to plonk an advertisement into the background.

The blatant errors should, of themselves, give rise to healthy scepticism. And if they don't, Tony Grieg's embarrassed silence or Richie's famous "hmmmm" should at least set bells ringing. Scepticism, however, seems in short supply at CricInfo.

A threat or an advantage?

The technology: Six cameras, usually placed at long-on, long-off, third man, fine leg, and two square of the wicket, operate at 120 frames per second (the regular television cameras operate at 25). Three of those cameras are used to capture the path of the ball from each end, and the pictures from each of those cameras are fed into a central computer. Taking into account the sideways movement and the bounce of the ball, the computer then extrapolates this information to predict the path of the delivery. Because processing of the data happens as soon as it is fed in, the output is available almost instantaneously. Together with the pitch mat - the strip drawn through the middle of the pitch from one set of stumps to the other - Hawk-Eye accurately indicates where the ball hit the batsman (in line with the stumps or not) and whether or not the ball would have gone on to hit the stumps. [My boldening for emphasisness.]

In the words of Paul Hawkins, the brains behind the technology: "Hawk-Eye does not try to predict the path of the ball after the bounce. Instead, the Hawk-Eye cameras track the ball both before and after the bounce, so the correct trajectory of the ball leaving the wicket is determined. Hawk-Eye simply observes and then calculates the actual trajectory of the ball. Whether the cause of this trajectory was due to atmospheric conditions, the wicket, or the ball hitting the seam is irrelevant from a Hawk-Eye perspective. Hawk-Eye just tracks what happened - it does not try to predict nor to answer why it happened."

Accuracy: According to Hawkins, in most cases Hawk-Eye's output is accurate to within five millimetres in predicting the path of the ball. The accuracy levels are highest when the ball has travelled a fair distance after pitching, but even when the point of contact is very close to the pitch of the ball, the accuracy levels are still within 20mm. [More of my bolderation.]

A biggish article containing oodles of room for doubt, but other than a cursory nod to some slight inaccuracies which the article appears to concede are workable tolerances, there is not one acknowledgement of Hawk's many howlers. Surely even a CricInfo scribe can see when a ball is comfortably missing leg stump, for instance.

Why indeed, on the 13th of June, would CrookInfo launch into a long spiel detailing the merits of Hawk? "Hmmmm." Well, to pilfer a quote from noted American seam, swing, and more pointedly, spin bowler, Victor Kiam, "I liked it so much, I bought the ... thingo." This from June 14th:

Hawk-Eye bought by Wisden Group

Hawk-Eye, the global pioneer in ball tracking technology for sports broadcasting and officiating, has been bought by the Wisden Group, the owners of Cricinfo.

Mark Getty, a director of Wisden Group, said that the acquisition was a coup for the group which would strengthen its presence in the global cricket market and provide an entry into tennis and other major international sports.

(The Getty of Wisden. Thank you - no need to laugh.)

POLLUTION

Do media organisations make money out of polls? They must. It has become impossible to read the paper, watch television, or listen to the radio without being confronted by a set of dubious options. Frankly, I'm sick of it.

Are you sick of polls?

1. Yes.
2. No.
3. What is a poll?

HE WHO LAUGHS FIRST, LAUGHS FIRST

All aboard - the bandwagon has a full head of steam. And why not? We are top of Group F.

When you got it, flaunt it, baby!

Stráya are even on top in Portuguese. Take that, Braaasssil. Take that, fat Ronaldo! Take that, tall and tan and young and lovely girl from Ipanema! (They go a-a-ah.) Take that, Semco and your revolutionary workplace!

By the way, there will be no "Soccer ... err ... football ... whatever it's called now" waffle here. It's not funny, never has been, not even when I said it. (I was having an off day.) Just say one. Or the other. Here in AGB, Poohtown, 3000 we call it soccer. Just soccer. Unless, of course, you are referring to Les Murray certified Phoodboll.

<-- This is football. Coincidentally, Josh Fraser is waving goodbye to the bandwagon. Actually, it's the Collingwood bandwagon. But give it a month. Soccer might be enjoying it's moment in the sun right now, but pretty soon things will be back to normal wall-to-wall Aussie Rules.

Little-known sports fact: Raphael Nadal won the 2006 French Open.

FAUXBO

I've had enough of fake yobbos in advertisements. Booze ads are the worst, the VB campaign has outstayed its welcome, but that bastard Bundy Bear business bites me hardest. Does anyone seriously believe those three dicks who chuck the red sock in the bear's bath aren't your classic Brunsroy trendoids? The tall dick, the one in the middle, he needs extra working on. Why is he wearing a tee-shirt over his windcheater? Wanker. Why would ANYONE do that? It can only be because they think they're "dressed" sharp. They aren't. They look stupid. Last night I walked down the shops and this bloke who lives nearby was sitting on his stoop playing a guitar. Horrible sound, it was. Get inside. If you're going to show out, have something good to show out with, don't just annoy the neighbours with vile strumming. Anyway, he was also arse-about in the poly-cotton department. Talk about twice the sin. I bet he had one of those girly Chinese-writing tattoos, too. Strolling past I gave him a cheery "You got you clothes on back-to-front, Mush." He looked at me kind of odd, wondering what I meant but eventually said bugger all. On the way home I noticed he'd gone back inside. I'd like to think he'd scarpered in to change his clothes and smash his guitar against the wall. But given first appearances, it's doubtful he has any shame. More like he'd gone to polish his piercings and throw on another tee - one with a giant brand label.

Nope, a talking pink bear I can handle, but fake yobbos - get out of it!

Update! Fauxbo: a fake bum.

SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE TALKBACK HOSTS

"Do gay men go to the doctor more than non-gay men? Not, you know, to cure their gayness, but in general."

That, and other crucial questions answered here. (At the special gay number.)

FOUR ETTER WORD

Ls bells - what a difference a letter makes. Two students were talking in class today, rabbiting on about whatever it is Noughties students rabbit on about. Not that I mind, particularly. They babble away, paying rock-all attention to me - I teach away, paying rock-all attention to them. Quid pro quo, et al that. It's astounding the shit they talk, even more so when I remember they are much the same as I was back then. That, I tell you, is a depressing realisation. Anyhoo, as I was scribbling on the board I picked up the arse-end of their conversation. "You've never heard of AGB? You know, AGB - After Grog B ... " Lucky I was facing the board, because I must have looked a right prune trying to work out whether he'd said "blog" or "bog" and hoping he'd said the latter. It's not a scat thing, just that I'm not keen on the savages reading my blog. Not keen at all. It turned out to be "bog". After a night on the sauce, he felt the class ought to know relief was in order. Which, coincidentally, was a relief to me.

CHURCH OF STINGLAND

So, Anglicare bilked punters with charity letters designed to look like power bills. Big deal. Doubtless the stupidheads were just taking a leaf out of the Good Books of all the other religions who are obviously way more stupid. "When in Rome, don't be a Christian", and all that.

No, what's more concerning is that the Perpetually Outraged would confuse deception with idiocy. Here is a letter to yesterday's Hun:

As a church-going Anglican, I am outraged any committed Christian would seek to resort to deceptive tactics to raise funds for a charity, no matter how badly those funds were needed.

Three of my reading-circle friends received the "final notice" from Anglicare. It distressed one so badly her husband had to come home from work to comfort her.

We shall be writing to the Synod and making a formal complaint, requesting disciplinary action against those involved.

It is unacceptable at any level.

That's a piss-take, right? Gotta be.

THE MOMENTS OF STRUTH

SEN's Top 50 Greatest Moments In Sport is done and dusted. Surprises abound:

50 Phar Lap winning 1932 Agua Caliente HCP in Mexico
49 1995 Carlton Grand Final Win Vs Geelong
48 Carlton's 1979 Season/ Premiership
47 Maradona goal against England World Cup 1986
46 Muhamed Ali Lighting the olympic flame in 1996
45 Tied Test match against West Indies
44 Dennis Lillee Dismissing Viv Richards off last ball
43 Melbourne Storm Grand Final 1999
42 Jason Gillespie's 200
41 South Melbourne back to back 97-98, 98-99 NSL Cham
40 Boston Red Sox World Series Win
39 Chicago Bulls Winning 6 Championships in a decade
38 John Wilkinson drop goal, Sydney 2003
37 St Kilda's Premiership 1966 Grand Final
36 1970 VFL Grand Final - Carlton comeback
35 England winning Ashes in 2005
34 Man. United Treble 98-99
33 Mark Spitz - 7 gold medals in 1972 Olympics
32 John Aloisi Goal v Uraguay
31 Essendon v Melbourne Grand Final 2000
30 Lionel Rose Beating Harada In Japan
29 Jack Nicklaus Masters Victory
28 Liverpool win Champions League in 2005
27 Gary Ablett 1989 Grand Final (9 goals)
26 Roger Bannister- Four Minute Mile
25 Jesse Owens Triumph in 1936 Berlin Olympics
24 Jason McCartney's Comeback after Bali Bombings
23 2005 Ashes Series
22 Kerryn McCannn Marathon Com Games
21 Shane Warne ball of century  bowling Mike Gatting
20 Brisbane Lions 3 Premishership Wins
19 Carlton V Essendon Prelim Final 1999
18 Ali V Fraser - Thriller in Manilla
17 Steven Bradbury Gold Medal
16 Damien Oliver Melb Cup on Media Puzzle
15 Swans Winning 2005 AFL Grand Final
14 John Landy Helping Ron Clarke Melb Olympics
13 1989 VFL Grand Final: Hawthorn v Geelong
12 Steve Waugh's last ball Hundred at SCG 2003
11 Greece winning European Cup
10 Lance Armstrong's 7th Tour De France
9 Ali V Foreman at Rumble in the Jungle
8 1999 Cricket World Cup Win against Safrica in SF
7 1990 Grand Final Collingwood
6 Ted Whitten's Lap of honour at the MCG
5 Cathy Freeman's Olympic Gold
4 Australia Vs Uraguray World Cup Qualifyer in Sydney
3 Makybe Diva's 3 peat
2 Kerien Perkins 1500m in Atlanta Olympics
1 Australia II Wins Americas Cup

A few points. Yes, it's a Melbourne radio poll, so don't get all high-pitched "South Melb soccer?" indignant on me. Same goes for the VFL/AFL. Essendon beating Melbourne in the 2000 grand final is not a great moment - for me. It was an awful game whose inclusion only proves there are lots of Essendon fans listening to SEN. Same for Collingwood in 1990 and Carlton in 1995. If the poll was taken in Perth or Adelaide it would no doubt be full of Eagles, Crows, Port and maybe Dockers. Well, maybe not Dockers. There'd probably be some SANFL and WAFL, too. If the poll was taken in Sydney or Brisbane there's big heaps of union and league.

John Aloisi's goal and Australia beating Uruguay should probably be the same thing, not 32 and 4 separately.

And just how many SEN listeners would actually, really and truly know anything about Phar Lap winning the Agua Caliente? Sure, they've heard of it, might have even seen the pox movie, but how much more would they know? Rock all, I'm tipping. They'd vaguely know Phar Lap won a race in Mexico - over 70 years ago, at that - and feel they ought to plonk it in there. Jesse Owens in Berlin is along the same lines as Phar Lap, but let's not quibble, that WAS huge on all sorts of levels. I also got sick of the number of times people younger than me (ie; too young to have seen it) would ring up and wax rhapsodic about the Rumble in the Jungle. "It was massive," they'd state before qualifying their pick with "I saw that film." In fact, I put more weight on those who picked their footy team's premierships because at least they're speaking from what moved them, what was BIG for them. Not what was expected of them. Or worse - what someone else had told them was worthy.

But I suppose "historical perspective" is an awkward concept. For me Rob DeCastella winning the marathon in Brisbane is a truck sight bigger than Kerryn McCann winning the marathon in Poohtown, 3000. Not that I'd include either, mind, but the McCann victory has currency going for it whereas Deek's victory was 24 years ago. Come to think of it, marathons used to be big. I even remember two of the runners Deek beat - Juma Ikangaa and Gidamis Shahanga.

In short, if you're talking "Favourite Moments" footy premierships are bound to rate a mention, but if you're talking "Great Moments" it's quite a different box of Pandoras. I mean, ranking Jesse Owens in the same list as Jason McCartney or Steven Bradbury doesn't quite ... err ... work for me.

The spelling mistakes aren't mine.

SHORT KICKS

FTW!
It's about time commentators got over their fixation with "work":

"Love your work."
"You've brought your best work today."
"Workin' beautifully."

It's about time for some "new material".

NUFF SAID
From Saturday night - Collingwood vs. Brizroy:

Bleedin' Obvious Walls: "Jason Akermanis is copping heaps from the Collingwood fans behind the goals."
Anthony Hudson: "How would you describe those fans, Rob?"
Walls: .....

Workin' beautifully, Rob.

When Kevin Sheedy called Collingwood fans nuff-nuffs the media tried to turn it into something. At least one pundit said it was "inappropriate", while another said it was "unStrayan". At least, I think they did. If they didn't say it, they thought it. Anyhoo, after the initial bubble of fake indignation failed to fly the meeja must have accepted what everyone else already knows - Collingwood fans ARE nuff-nuffs.

DOOF DOOF

Doof doof? Yes, that's the sound of hundreds of children kicking footies in largely empty stadia. It's a long time tradition (as opposed to new traditions - like singing the club song for the cameras) that's been denied kiddies in recent years due to ground managements wanting to protect the surface of their arenas.

Just as traditional is the laughing in the bars when children gets sconned by stray agates.

NERD NEWS - THIS JUST IN

The computer has landed. I know, I know, it's great news. Tech guru Michael is the man wot dun the business and now the thing works like a charm. New DVD burner, power supply, mother's bawd, CPU, Windows XP, more ports than you can poke a memory stick at. In short, the works. And speedy? Zing - the bastard boots up in about five seconds. My laptop almost - not quite - boots up in five minutes. So, it's all good. (Who invented "It's all good"? That phrase annoys me.)

Speaking of booting - Any Given Sunday. Near the end of each show Mick Molloy slumps back in his reinforced chair and mumbles "We'll be back after the break to boot this baby home." That annoys me, too.

PS: My rigorous testing has confirmed that 99% of ringtones, apart from sounding completely stupid, also sound like To Cut A Long Story Short. Even The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. Ringtones surpass all levels of annoyedness.