After Grog Blog

"SHE LI YOU"

That's the Veetmanese lady in our lunch shop talking about her daughter; the girl has the hot bananas for me. I took it in my stride, though, going with a particularly suave "Thank you - two sausage rolls, please. With sauce." On reflection, I can stop wondering why they've been giving me those furtive looks and then giggling like schoolgirls. Well, in so much as one IS a schoolgirl.

REX "RHYMES WITH" HUNT

A nickname is not a nickname if you have to explain it. Here's a grab from Rhymes With's Friday footy preview:

I still have a query on the Eagles forward line because they aren't going to get nine goals out of Chickadee and the Lynch Party every weekend.

Against that is a side of consumate professionals, a side that finds a way to get the job done.

When Ashley Judd is down, up jumps the Shaver (Braun), the Stadium (Embley) and Kissin' Cousins.

They will win because the game is at Subiaco, but I don't underestimate their opposition. James McDonald is one of the most underrated players in the competition, while Johnny Rivers is back playing the way we know he can.

Hunt is famous for his nicknames - fuck knows why. Most of them are leaden, ham-fisted or just plain obvious. Making it worse is the way 3AW and its sub-cretin callers beat up his "genius" at concocting them. It's nauseating. "Porplyzia? Just wait 'til big Rexy gets hold of that." Clunt Grabarse is the worst, of course, but Madame Gerard is not far behind. (You should have heard the rank slurping the weekend after his philandering with beauticians was outed.) No, ninety percent of the nicknames are rubbish, most of the rest childish. What's more, in the above passage, the sole player without one is the sole player with a legitimate one - James "Junior Burger" McDonald.

In further nickname news. What is wrong with this list from The Sunday Age?

 

1. Eldrick "Tiger" Woods
2. Jack "The Golden Bear" Nicklaus
3. Wayne "The Duck" Carey
4. Glenn "Pigeon" McGrath
5. Peter "Spider" Everitt
6. John "The Rat" Platten
7. Jesse "The Ebony Antelope" Owens
8. Lou "The Iron Horse" Gehrig
9. Bernard "The Badger" Hinault
10. Max "The Beast" Mirnyi

I don't mean Max Mirnyi, who looks to have been added to either pad numbers, or for a little variety. Or maybe even so the journo can show off. Surely there are more suitable picks than "The Beast". No, I mean something else.

NERD NEWS

Busy today - been running around like an idiot. More of an idiot, then. My steam driven computer was due an upgrade so I've been out in the backwoods of Banyule and Moreland foraging for parts. I must say, it a rare breed of critter that frequents electronic shops around here. Anyway, I'm back in the office laden with goodies and my computery colleague is on the case. He's going to plonk all the bits together so that I'll soon have a new processor, motherboard, an 80 gig external hard-drive and 100 cubic centimetres of double overhead ram. Doubtless one of you swine will boast "mine's bigger than yours" but, like, whatever.

Just thought you should be kept up to date.

LOST ITS LUSTRE

Whatever happened to chroming? Used to be it was the next big thing in substance abuse, but these days you rarely hear about it.

"Hey, Shayne, stick yer head in this bag o' fumes. It's grouse." No, it's not an attractive prospect, is it. Apart from WHY anyone would want to snort paint or petrol, I never could figure out the chicken and egg. Do the fumes turn you into a jabbering imbecile? Or do you have to be one to start with?

NOMEGA MAN

Big soccer game tonight - Straya vs Greece. I know this because it's been all over the media. Radio and television have given it the works and the papers have been chock full of colour supplements, wraps and articles. Soccer's almost edging out the proper footy, and this is just a practise match. Imagine the rumpus when we get to the business end over in Germany. Zum teufel!

Don't get me wrong - I like soccer. Nor does the blanket coverage particularly faze me. If the radio and telly get carried away, something they would never do with Aussie Rules, I can always turn it over to League Teams. And the supplements, etc, I turf with the flyers for Harvey Norman, Harris Scarf, Myers, DJs, Bunnings, that noxious Age Glossy Melbourne Magazine, anything epicurean, education blurb - especially education blurb - and the business sections.

What I do mind is traffic, more so after a hard day's slog. Even though I pride myself on being able to slide seamlessly into Heavy Traffic Mode, getting home tonight will be a bastard, the parking a drag. That wouldn't be the case if it wasn't for the soccer. In fact, now that I think of it - the game wouldn't be here at all if Melbourne wasn't wall-to-wall Greeks. Since we let the bloody foreigners onto OUR patch, they've been nothing but trouble with a capital tzatziki.

Better keep that last bit under your hats.

FOOTY SHORTS

UP YER DATE!
Were you asked for your three favourite sporting moments, chances are you'd remember when and where those moments occurred. You know, like when Cliffy Young won the Sydney to Hobart in a pair of thongs at the Hammersmith Odeon. Not so Cameron Ling on SEN who recently pick his three, one of which was: "Well, obviously there's Kieren Perkins' swim at the 2000 Sydney Olympics." Obviously, that's news to Perkins. The only thing Kieren was swimming in at Sydney 2000 was autograph hunters. [Update! And the wake of Grant Hackett.] Whenever you see these polls it's hard not to conclude that the person doing the picking is just picking the usual suspects, naming names they're expected to name.

BULLY SHIT!
Then there's Gerard Neesham who was talking wacky tactics (Who better?) on White Line Fever: "Australia lost the hockey at the 1976 Olympics when the Indians lay down in the penalty area to render any shot at goal 'lifted'. India then snuck away for one goal at the other end and won the gold." A result that might surprise our Kiwi frien ... acquaintances who won the hockey gold at Montreal. By the way, Kiwis I bump into always seem to want to remind me of this monumental affair. My standard reply: "Like, bro - hockey?"

GAIN EVENT
The good: Nine's Tony Jones tees up his mates to toss in $10 each so they can have a barby at Jones' house and watch the Green/Mundine stoush on Main Event.
The bad: Nine's Tony Jones invites his mates around to his house for a barby so as to watch the Green/Mundine stoush on Main Event. Tone then bails them up at the door, hitting them for $10 each.
You decide.

BLACK AND NIGHTMARE
This subby in The Australian knows either nothing about football in Melbourne, or Unca Rupy has ordered a Sinney beat-up. AFL puppets, The Pinks, could win the next three flags, as far as I'm concerned, as long as it prevents Collingwood from winning just one. I mean, really, name me just one non-Collingwood supporter here in Poohtown, 3000 who wants The Poys to win the premiership.

CONTROL THE DICE
"Rolling the dice" has got out of hand. (Ho. Ho.) Initially, it was the pet phrase of Jason Junktime Bennett, and to a lesser extent Steve Quartermaine, but lately it's slithered into everything football. The AFL makes a decision on the rules, they are rolling the dice. Aint Kilda sack Grant Thomas, they are rolling the dice. Mark Williams moves Chad Cornes to full-forward, he's rolling the dice. Terry Wallace goes all-out flood, he's rolling the dice. Neil Craig finally mans up, he's rolling the dice. David Nietz rolls a dice, he's rolling the dice. For fuck sake, stop it!

WET BEHIND THE EARS

Col League: "New students have no concept of magnetism. To teach them the basics we should line them up on the oval, a north pole in one goal, a south pole in the other then tell them the various ways to face to demonstrate molecular movements."

Toe Knee: "We ought to chuck a bucket of water over them. That'd teach them saturation."

I'm on fire lately.

BRED ROOSTER

That's Warren Oates and Richard B. Shull yucking it up in Cockfighter, a movie about two good ole boys who breed roosters to compete on the southern cockfighting tour. Nascar for chooks. If you haven't seen Cockfighter and you're a fan of seventies movies, see it. You'll love it.

Completely unrelated to violent chickens - I just got Power DVD. Ostensibly PDVD is for playing movies on your computer, but really, why would you want to do that? No, it's got a better porpoise - you can take screen shots. It's grouse. From now on you'll be seeing lots of stills from lots of my favourite off-beat movies. Did I mention it also just happens to be great for generating posts on those days when I'm busy at work? Like today. Yeess, I am.

SIGN OF THE TIMES

Blimey, bananas are expensive. "Melbourne's most expensive banana yet was selling for $3.30 at the Queen Victoria Market." Even the cheapies were two bucks.

Not that I ordinarily give a shit about the price of fruit, but the article prompted me to try to recall the last time I ate a banana. It was about a month ago, I stole it off Boynton. But that's the only one I can remember eating. Why? Well, it's because I've never liked bananas, even as a kid. They combine a horrid taste with a disgusting texture, and that's just the "good" ones. Most nanas are either soggy brown tubes of gunk, or hard and green and just plain awful. Hideous things. I just had to suppress a shudder.

And it's not just the bananas themselves, it's their offshoots, too. There are those meranguey banana bon-bons, banana split deserts and Barney Banana ice-creams. All revolting. Especially the bon-bons. Whoever invented those (and milkbottles) deserves a good kicking. The only banana related treats I've ever liked are banana smoothies - and I'm allergic to dairy.

Wait a tick. It suddenly hit me that if bananas are 3:30 a pop, it's because someone is willing to shell out that much. Fools. I hope they get a guts-ache.

TEXT OF KIN

Recently received a text from my brother:

Play Ray Davies' Better Things at my funeral.

Thanks.

No, he wasn't about to go bungee jumping, he was up the Hunter Valley getting on the fuel. Nevertheless, I took the request seriously and made a note. Somewhere.

You know, I'm not sure about the rest of you, but while BT is a cracking track, I'd prefer they play The Kinks' All of My Friends Were There at my funeral. Not only is it one of my all-time favourite songs, but the sentiment fits - more so if I wasn't there.

"A friend in need is a friend you don't need." ~~ Arthur Daley

I'M REX HUNT AND I'M NOT

Rex Hunt* has been leading a double life. The 3AW blowhard and boastful family-man has been caught porking beauticians - for money! (Facials extra.) Millionaire Rexy says they weren't hookers, though, just poor people. Perhaps he's having a sly chuckle - one was named Robyn Hood.

* Sex Hunt? No, this blog is above such vulgar wordplay.

WE GOT FIVE YEARS, MY BRAIN HURTS A LOT

Channel Seven are finalising their commentary team for the next five years. Judging by the names chucked around today it will be pretty much as you'd expect - same shit, different bucket.

Cometti in mix

CHANNEL 7 will decide within the next two weeks whether it will try to poach Dennis Cometti from Channel 9. Perth-based Cometti, widely regarded as football's top match-day caller, is out of contract with Nine in December.

While some rival network's callers will be considered, Seven boss Ian Johnson said yesterday the station would reward loyal staff such as Tim Watson.

Johnson said planning meetings over the next two weeks would identify its football personnel for the next five seasons.

There's no point bitching about Bruce, we're just gonna have to grin and bear him. Grim and bear him, more like. I've decided I like Tim Watson on the radio, but I can't remember what he's like on the telly. He's got a goofy smirk, doesn't he, but he should be OK. Seven would be bonkers not to go after Cometti. Gary Lyon isn't too bad, bit of a suck, but he'll probably stay at Nine. Hopefully Brian Taylor will get a go. Hopefully Clunt Grabarse won't. Wayne Carey, I can handle. Dermot, I can't. Wayne Shwash, as Kevin Bartlett calls him, is good value. Craig Hutchison is an OK host, but he's a terrible commentator. Fuck me if I didn't see Basil Zempilas with David Schwarz on Sunday morning. Basil's a dick, and Schwarz a loud-mouthed oaf. Dwayne Russell can take his "paint" and fuck off. No idea what Chris Mainwaring is like - is he still doing the Kino, or Lotto, or whatever? Sandy Roberts? A pompous dickhead. Seven have Paul Salmon tucked away somewhere - he's just fucking awful. Dipper, anyone? Matthew White's a hipster fuckwit. Jo Whatserface, Gary Sweet's ex, as a boundary rider?

So you see, some good, most bad, roughly the same. In general, an appalling lack of depth.

But let's not beat about the undergrowth. Seven will have to hang their hat on Friday night. Every footy-fan in the land is waiting to see if they fuck things up. Hopefully they won't. They could start by axing Nine's stings. You know, the trailer-trash rock that takes us to and from the ads. Mind you, if on that very first telecast next year Bruce blurts out something like "Footy's back home!" there'll be trouble.

By the way, anyone think Nine won't have the footy in 2012? You fools.

PS: Check out Noreen's amusing blue take on TV footy. She's right, too, which I suppose makes me "thick, ill-educated and innumerate". Unlike the pundits, though, at least I know I am. (I thought they called it footer over there. They did in those stupid comics I read as a kid - "Wotcha, Nulty, footer t'morrah, yeah?")

MAGNETIC POLL

Who's your favourite electromagnetic pioneer?

a) Hans Christian Oersted
b) Michael Faraday
c) Karl Gauss
d) James Maxwell
e) André-Marie Ampère

It's a curly one, a real poser, just who is the top dog? The Numero Uno. They're all such heavyweights in the field* I reckon you'd struggle to pick one from the rest.

Mind you, I'll understand if you don't vote for Ampère. Not that I'm trying to swing the vote, or anything, but it's such a Frenchy, girly gay name.

* Field - get it? That's one of the classics.

ATE MAIL

If you're here looking for the good oil on ... well ... anything, you're out of luck. I've got more pressing things to do today than discuss the big issues on the internet. Like eat the cereal I just found in my letter box.

"Post not, want not." ~~ Tony.

POLL TAXING

Sports radio SEN are running a poll: "Name your three greatest sporting moments". Even though you can pick from any sport, anywhere, which means there's a shit load of events to pick from, I'll be buggered if I can come up with three.

[Update: I trust none of you swine will start a semantic debate about "greatest".]

Many of the SEN guests picked the usual suspects - Cathy Freeman, Kieren Perkins, Makybe Diva, Muhammad Ali and last year's World Cup soccer qualifier. Fair enough, too. Sandy Roberts picked a goody, I thought, when he nominated that Japanese gymnast who competed with a broken leg. You could make a case for the bloke who runs into the pommel horse. Mick Malthouse, on the other hand, made a goose of himself when he picked Buzz Aldrin hitting a golf ball at the Sea of Tranquility. Mick likes to think of himself as a little out-there, pity he bolloxed up the facts. Alan Shepard was the astronaut who hit the golf ball. What's more he did it at Fra Mauro, not the Sea of Tranquility.

For me only two really stand out. One is the America's Cup in 1983. Sure it's naff to say so these days, what with sailing being demoted to joke status, but back in '83 the America's Cup win was absolutely HUGE. My other pick is Australia losing to the West Indies in Adelaide in 1993 by one run. Rivetting television.

Another one that sticks in my mind is when Arsenal beat Manchester United in the 1979 FA Cup Final. Dunno why, probably because of the ending. So too 1997 at the MCG when Iran drew with Staya.

I was in Canada just after Comedia beat Russia in the 1987 Canada Cup. I'm no hockey fan, and I didn't even see it live, but this was some super stuff with the Comedians winning a fantastic three game series 2-1.

Surprisingly no AFL moment stands out, probably because I've seen so many. The 1977 draw, Wayne Harmes in the 1979 grand final, Essendon's winning burst in the 1984 grand final, the 1989 grand final, Melbourne making the finals in 1987 before Jimmy Stynes ran across the mark in that year's preliminary final, and Melbourne beating Carlton in the 2000 qualifying final.

Cricket has provided many memories, but like Aussie Rules, it's hard to pick one over another. Adelaide above only just tops the 1999 World Cup semi-final, last year's Ashes, Headingley 1981, Steve Waugh's hundred at Sydney in 2003, the Centenary Test and Warne's ball to Gatting, Michael Bevan hitting a four off the last ball in a New Year's Day ODI against the Windies at the SCG.

THE BEAC CARNIVAL

Beaconsfield then. It's time to start thinking about the movie, isn't it? Chances are our fillum won't match Billy Wilder's man-trapped-in-a-mine classic The Big Carnival - "You wanna make the big time, faaaan?" - but that won't stop someone cashing in on the event.

Suggestions are welcome for:

Title: Can't really go with The Great Escape, and anyway, that's a little too grand. No we need something that fits neatly into Channel Seven's midday movie roster - Miner Miracle: Trapped at 993 Metres.

Director: There won't be any shortage of directors with a social conscience lining up to helm this baby, but I'd prefer to see it go to someone like George Romero. For the zombies.

Cast: The boys trapped in the hole and those doing the digging can be played by any low-rent TV face prepared to get dirty. But mine manager Matthew Gill, union heavy Bill Shorten and rude question asker Dick Carleton need that little something extra. Gill, for instance, is a bit of a dag with a speech impediment. Bill Shorten talks with his hands. Carleton could be played by the imported actor - Kevin Costner can reprise his role from The Big Chill.

No-one better suggest John Howard to play John Howard.

NUREKA STOCKADE

From the Sunday Age Giant Crossword. 1954? If Peter Lalor were alive today he'd be turning in his grave.

CURRENT AFFAIR

Can you spot what is wrong with this post? Apart, that is, from it's questionable taste.

AS NITTY-GRITTY AS A PICTURE

Learning types - Which are you?

1. Global -> Big picture
   1. Flexible, relaxed
   2. Views rules as guidelines
   3. Repeaded directions to get the picture
   4. Gets the job done on the spur of the moment
   5. Wants to find personal meaning
   6. Excels in group activity
   7. Discussion cooperation, pats on back
   8. Flexible rules, fairness
   9. Harmonious environment
2. Analytical -> Details
   1. Misses the point
   2. Looks for clear-cut fixed rules
   3. Follows directions easily
   4. Craves organization, structure
   5. Wants sequential, methodical data
   6. Excels working alone
   7. Details, facts, logic
   8. Clear explanations, deadlines
   9. Law and order

Rock-solid global, I am. Until, that is, someone mentions personal meaning, or there's even the merest hint of group activity. Then I'm analytical - bring on the numbers, the facts, the logic. I'd like to say it's because I'm flexible, but the truth is I'm globalytical - it all depends what kind of mood I'm in.

WANCHOR WORDS

So now that Freo have the points, which phrase will you get sick of first?

1. Pandora's Box
2. Can o' worms
3. Sacrosanct*

FLAW POLL

Technical difficulties. Are you currently able read this blog?

1. Yes.
2. No.
3. Don't know.

YO, ADRIAN!

Super cover on today's Age Sport. That's Adrian Anderson looking a right prune as he announces Wednesday's commission hearing. Speaking of which, anyone care to take a stab at what the Commission might do? Will they ...

a) Rule a draw?
b) Give Freo the win?
c) Make Baker take another shot?
d) Drink tea?

RAG AND TONE

I've been sifting through rubbish, it's come to that. "But why?" you ask, perplexed and not a little queasy. "And precisely why have you got Elisha King's ID card on your blog?"

Well, I found the card in my bin yesterday and I would like to return it to her. It's the right thing to do. I would also like to return the rest of the rubbish with which she filled up the bin, I'm sure she'd like that back, too. The fast-food packaging, Extra gum wrappers, apple cores, party invitations, drink bottles, Christmas cards, etc. So if you bump into her - it's a stretch, I know, but someone who reads this blog might go to LaTrobe (someone who goes to LaTrobe might be able to read) - have a quiet word in her shell-like. Thanks.

Nor would this have ever happened at my college, oh no, we would have stolen the bin.

WHAT'S YOUR DERISION?