National Treasure. Sean Bean and Nick Cage set off into Canada to find the Charlotte, a treasure ship lost in the Greet White Nrrrth, where they discover a meerschaum pipe hidden in a barrel of gunpowder. Pronouncing the pipe's ornate carvings to be a code, Cage slices into his thumb, smears the stem of the pipe in blood, rolls the stem onto a piece of paper, and prints off a bloody message. The message? That there is an invisible treasure map hidden on the back of the Declaration of Independence. Sean, not at all surprised, nods sagely and decrees he must therefore steal the DOI. Nick demurs - "We can't steal the DOI!" So Sean shoots at him, locks him in the ship, blows everything up, and sets off in a snow-buggy, leaving Cage and his pal Riley for dead. But they aren't dead, are they? Noo. They managed to hide under some rotten planks, and next thing you know, without transport, they've made it back from the icy wilds of Comedia to the public service wilds of Washington DC where they attempt to warn the Library of Congress that someone is planning to steal the DOI because there is an invisible map on the back. That seems a little dubious to the head of archives at the LOC, a shapely blonde fox. Having failed to convince anyone in DC that they aren't a couple of lunatics, they instead decide to nick the esteemed document for themselves. Why? Well, because if they do, Sean can't. Quick stix, the pair of them are kitted up - think Mission Impossible meets Ocean's 11 - and have the DOI. Simple, really - too simple. While they are inflagrante thefto Sean bursts in and pumps a few rounds at Nick who shields himself with the DOI (high-cheese symbolism, that) as he jumps into a lift. Before he can scarper, though, the blonde fox becomes suspicious and tracks Nick & Riley outside the LOC where she delays them just long enough for Sean to catch up and start a car chase. Phew! That's just the first half hour. I won't spoil it for you by revealing the map is drawn with lemon juice, or anything, but it's about now things get a little far-fetched. But not for me! Bruckheimer + Action + Dumb = I like it.
Cashier: "That'll be $35."
Nick: "But I only have 32."
Have I stumbled onto something? At one point it's said that there are 55 signitures on the Declaration of Independence. That seemed like a lot, so I had a look and guess what? By my count there are 56 John Hancocks, 57 if you count John Hancock twice. (Were there two John Hancocks?)
Bruckheimer is the best at this sort of stuff. I'm like you, I enjoyed National Treasure even though it was madly stupid.
Posted by: Paul | 07 March 2006 at 16:18
No one make shit shine like Jerry.
Posted by: Tony.T | 07 March 2006 at 16:19
How does Nicholas Cage remain employed?
Posted by: Dirk Thruster | 07 March 2006 at 20:01
Beats me! I would have bums-rushed him out of the industry round about Face Off, The Rock or Con Air. Although CA was a bit of a lark.
Posted by: Tony.T | 07 March 2006 at 20:12
Birdy was it for me, all down hill from there. Con Air and The Rock were like, bad, y'know? I refused to watch Face Off (Face/Off?)
Posted by: Dirk Thruster | 07 March 2006 at 21:19
Birdy? Yep. Awful rubbish. Just looking at his CV. Christ, he's been in some shit.
Posted by: Tony.T | 07 March 2006 at 21:25
He remains employed, quite simply, because he has a good agent. If acting talent or good looks actually mattered in Hollywood blockbusters the industry would have been dead years ago. It's who you know, not what you in showbiz. I mean, how has Tony Grig remained employed?
Posted by: Clem Snide | 07 March 2006 at 22:49
This is what is wrong with the Australian film industry. We don't have a Declaration of Independence.
Posted by: david tiley | 07 March 2006 at 23:15
Well, Mr. Tilley, according to Mr. Brukheimer, you can steal ours rather trivially.
Come to think of it, you can steal Mr. Brukheimer too...
Posted by: Dr. E. Scientist, phD | 08 March 2006 at 09:53
Has there ever been a better cast in a worse movie than ConAir?
Nick Cage
John Cusack
Steve Buscemi
Dave Chapelle
Ving Rhames
John Malcovich
Posted by: James Dudek | 08 March 2006 at 13:11
PS - Tony.....I love you as much as Pearl Harbour SUCKED.
Posted by: James Dudek | 08 March 2006 at 13:20
I didn't mind National Treasure. The final treasure reveal was very nicely done as a piece of pure cinema. Or Con Air or Face/Off or The Rock. Good cheesy fun delivered with great gusto. Certainly beat the fuck out of Lucas's last few efforts at rousing entertainment. Would it kill you Goerge to throw a few decent one liners into the eternally dull exposition dialogue?
What's interesting though is all these big Bruckbudget action films had a rather nerdy nebbish actor as their main boy. Nick's no Arnie, Clint, Charlton, Ford or McQueen yet somehow the Bruckmeister keep casting him as the plot carrier.
On the other hand, we all really enjoy the bad guy parts in these kinda films. Like Cyrus the Virus or Jack the Joker. Nothing like a great character actor hamming it up as a real entertaining evil bastard to fritter away a hungover Sunday afternoon.
Posted by: Nabakov | 08 March 2006 at 21:10
James, you must love me A VERY LOT. But regarding CA, don't forget MC Gainey, Colm Meaney and Danny Trejo. I can't stand John Malkovich, I think it's his voice. It makes me want to punch him.
Nabs, I would try to convince the Bruckbuster to take Paul Guilfoyle out of CSI (it's done it's dash) and stick him into a lead role for one of his movies.
Posted by: Tony.T | 08 March 2006 at 23:26
Nabs, was it? Sorry. Speaking of nebbish, it should be Nebs.
Posted by: Tony.T | 08 March 2006 at 23:57
Paul Guilfoyle? Yes, he's one of the few TV cops that actually resembles a cop.
Posted by: Drano | 09 March 2006 at 07:37
It's no National Lampoon
Posted by: Adam 1.0 | 09 March 2006 at 20:44