The clods in the Channel Nine commentary box are past it, right. Most of us accept that. The only people who don't accept it are the people that matter. Those sadistic Nine heavies who plonk the likes of Bill, Tony and Ian Chappell there in the first place, and seem determined to keep them there until Richie's jacket fades to grey.
Well, maybe the winds of change are starting to ruffle the Channel Nine blazers.
Sunday Adam Gilchrist played a shot through covers at which Bill Lawry gushed "What a wonderful shot." It wasn't wonderful, it was merely a tidy spank from a player with his eye in, a point acknowledged by Ian Healy. "That's rubbish, Bill," Heals blurted, "He just stood there and slogged it - for a single, I might add." It was a surprising remark, not so much that he made it, but that he sounded so derisive. Nine usually keep shtum in the hope us mugs don't notice their stupidity, it's not their way to diss the product. So Heal's blunt riposte was one out of the blue.
Not five minutes later Simon Katich played and missed to Murali. "Well played," complimented Bill. Well played? Heals, sceptical The Kat would have played to miss, demurred "Surely not, Bill, he was comprehensively beaten."
Elsewhere, stand-in skipper Adam Gilchrist looked towards the dressing room causing Heals to observe "Chappelli will be sitting at home in Adelaide having a fit that John Buchanan has anything to do with managing the test team." Heals obviously believes Chappelli needs to get with the times. The former Australian captain's refusal to accept the many changes to the game since he played is often confirmed by his doggedly maintaining that cricket was toughest when he played.
Of course, it could be that Heals is just naturally combative and/or abrasive, but it's refreshing to hear one of the commentators taking it up to their own. (The childish bickering between Tony and Bull doesn't count.) And, if anything, it serves to highlight the shortcomings of the Nine time-servers. Wonder if he'll be told to cool it.
Another thing. Throwing gets up my nose, you may have noticed. This angular propulsion of the agate is a blight on the game, but just as infuriating is the snow job from those covering the caper who are protecting lucrative commentating gigs.
Shutting up is one thing. Hectoring the public on their chanting "No ball!" when Murali bo ... launches the orb in the direction of the batsman is another thing entirely. Nick the Dick was at it on Sunday when he lamented "I thought we'd got past that." A couple of weeks before, ABC rayjo's Dan Lonergan (strictly second tier talent) was even more critical when he exploded "There they go AGAIN with that RUBBISH!" Rubbish? That's the equivalent of Channel Seven footy ulcer Ian Robertson observing of a spectator going off his nut "Look at that idiot". Fuck. Off. It's every sport's fan's right to vent spleen when they see something they believe is wrong. No matter how many times the commentators try to convince us that Murali is an "ornament to the game" or is "a little wizard" or "a genius" (the chances are, many don't actually believe it) there are thousands of Aussie cricket fans who would disagree. That is their right. Just as it is their right to voice their displeasure. Being told to "shut it" by smug commentators who are in on the fix just rubs it in.
Speaking of Murali. He spends a lot of time quizzing the umpires, doesn't he, after decisions are turned down. Just ... you know ... saying, is all.
Supplementary grievance. The Dick on Sunday: "Missed! And they don't often." Dick was describing a missed run-out by (I think) Andrew Symonds. Dick's not the only culprit here, but what is this business about the Australians rarely missing run-outs? Just who, precisely, has done the numbers here? I'm of the opinion that while the Aussies are indeed hot ground-fielders (and sometimes sloppy catchers), they don't have laser arms, and thus miss more than they hit. That being the case, it should almost come as a surprise when the do hit. Yet the commentators would have us believe the reverse, that it's a surprise when they miss. Balls!
Well, that's about it for today. Anyone got anything else? The colour of the Adelaide Oval grass? The +/- weight tolerances of Kookaburra balls? Ian Healy's white shoes? Beer wenches?
By the way. The quotes in the post aren't 100% exact. But they are as close as my pencil and memory could get as I wrote them down when I heard them.
Posted by: Tony.T | 01 February 2006 at 12:48
Hee Hee, I heard the Heals/Bill exchange as well. The whole call seemed to frost over for a moment. Maybe it's time Heals started to show the kind of sledging that made him an icon, and let us West Aussies forget about Tim Zoehrer.
My favourite part of the game was Mooooorali dropping 2 simple catches in 2 overs before finally holding a dolly c&b. In think it was Nic the Dick who commented how much the Moooo hangs shit on team-mates who don't hold catches but seems to laugh off his own lame efforts. Seriously, can someone so unco (he gets subbed out for batting) really get to the top level without cheating?
And I can add that my wife, just now getting into the magic that is cricket, was able to spot a Mooooorali chuck. And she thinks his google eyes make him look like the Cookie Monster.
Posted by: Mr Z | 01 February 2006 at 13:18
In fairness, Timmy Z DID take an absolute hanger for East Freo in the mid-eighties. Not that that has anything to do with cricket, mind, or that he was once reputed to have pinched a team-mate's gear.
The Cookie Monster - I like it because it's true. (Don't forget this hungry little chap.) Tell your wife she's a good sort, Zed.
Posted by: Tony.T | 01 February 2006 at 14:10
While we are having a whinge about things cricket, the amount of questioning umpire's decisions by players is starting to get up my left nostril.
Cricket has always been renowned for the generally gentlemanly behaviour of the players, including acceptance of the umpire's decision. That seems to have gone by the board in recent times, and I blame that shit-for-brains icompetent, Billy Bowden, for much of the rubbish that players are flinging at umpires.
That fool always wanted to be the show pony at the centre of attention, hence all his bizarre signals and "little chats" with bowlers.
Anyone who has ever played the game knows that the best umpire is one who you can never remember after the match, the "invisible man", who judges the game fairly, competently and consistently.
"TV star umpires" have no place in the game, and the questioning of the umpire's decisions by players should be nipped in the bud, before a punchup starts on the field.
Posted by: Pedro the Ignorant | 01 February 2006 at 14:40
Forget the questioning of the umpires - I blame Billy Boy for losing us the Ashes.
Posted by: Tony.T | 01 February 2006 at 15:03
I heard that exchange. I think Heals may given a few RDOs to show him the error of his ways.
Is it just me, or do the Sri Lankan batsmen do an extraordinary amount of pitch preparation for the chucker?
Posted by: Dirk Thruster | 01 February 2006 at 15:13
One of the batsmen, I can't remember which, was running straight down the pitch without even the slightest thought about moving to the side.
Cheating or accidental? Well, when it comes to professional sportsmen I tend to lean to the former. If they are as well prepared as they are reputed to be, they know exactly what they are doing.
Posted by: Tony.T | 01 February 2006 at 15:20
Pedro,
Back in the day gentlemen cricketers accepted the decision of umpires whose competence was unquestioned.
These days I can't really blame a player for venting his nana, or doing his spleen.
To be honest, the only umpires I can think of that aren't idiots happen to be Aussies and, thanks to questionable subcontinentals, we'll never actually see them officiating an Australian test.
Posted by: Mr Z | 01 February 2006 at 15:47
Spot on, Pedro. Bowden and his hooky finger can fuck right off. And in that vein, get rid of the exaggerated HTB curtsey that's crept into footy in the last few years, as well.
Oh, and bring back the birch. And National Service.
Posted by: carneagles | 01 February 2006 at 16:08
Heals sounds like a US Postman just before he heads into a Macca's.
Posted by: Russell Allen | 01 February 2006 at 17:02
I actually think the commentators are good. They are predictable and sometimes that's nice. They are comfy like a big old sofa. I love Chappelli. I cannot believe I said that but I did and I actually think it is true.
Posted by: Major Anya | 01 February 2006 at 18:44
I was talking with my Dad on Sunday night as we watched the game and my comment to him was that Bill was going through the motions. His commentary has long been detached from the actual events on the field as he just rattles out his usual catch phrases. I am warming to Heals and his potential to call it like it is.
My Dad's pet peeve is the constant talking up of the product. "Well bowled!" is the cry when a batsman plays all around a straight one. No batsman has ever been dismissed by ineptitude, it is always the skillful bowling or the pressure brought on by the amazing fielding. Sometimes, even an international batsman will play down the wrong line.
And Beer Wenches - more of that please. Especially for the home viewer.
Posted by: Some Other Bruce | 01 February 2006 at 18:45
A mate of mine drew my attention to the fact that a couple of the Channel 9 deadwood are World Series Cricket defectors, thus Kerry owed them. How long, he wondered, till James gets jack of them, decides he owes them nothing, and fucks them off?
Fair warning Tony Greig and Ian Chappel. You stink.
Posted by: Peter | 01 February 2006 at 19:17
I'm sorry but I will go out on a limb here and say that I don't like Heals for one minute. I don't particularly like the other members of the commentary either but Heals seems too smug for my liking. And they way he rattles on between balls just because there is nothing happening that is remotely interesting out on the field annoys me for some reason. Out of the newer bunch Slater is good and Le Dick is bearable for a Pom, but Heals doesn't do it for me I'm afraid.
Mite just turn the telly down and listen to the radio I think.
Posted by: Adsy | 02 February 2006 at 10:24
The Slater should certainly be given more of a chance to show his wit, and quite frankly, Magilla should be given Warne's old spot. Erudite and very funny, and when teamed with O'Keefe, apart from ole Moonface, damned near the funniest thing available on oz teev.
I'd like to snap Bowden's fingers off and jam them somwhere inappropriate. Jackass. As for the continued No Ball calls, it's amusing to think of Nein's sound techs frantically adjusting on pitch mike volumes DOWN whenever the chucker gets given the pill. A blight on the game. Cookie monster, that's a wrong 'un, or a doosra, or whatever. It certainly wasn't bowled.
Posted by: CB | 02 February 2006 at 11:12
Slatts was pretty good when he worked with Athers in India, but it's been downhill ever since. Now he's at Channel Nine, you can't get much lower and it's suck, suck, suck, suck. Magilla won't get a go on Nine because he's too outspoken and not likely to toe the Nine party line.
Adsy, Nine delayed the TV signal by about a second just to upset people like you. People who like Jim Maxwell, Glen Mitchell, Drew Morphett, Dan Lonergan, Terry Alderman, Geoff Lawson, Bob Massie, Terry Jenner, etc. Christ, could it get any more tedious? At least there's Damien Fleming waiting in the wings, he's excellent. Kerry O'K is terrific if he can be bothered sticking to the cricket. Spanky Roebuck is a fine caller, despite some misgivings.
Really, it's hard to know who's more boring these days, Nine or the ABC. At least the radio don't have ads, that's a huge plus. Bugger! Just as I've said that I start humming the Bunnings jingle.
What S.O.Bruce said about Bill has a ring of truth, too. When he said that thing about the Kat playing and missing, I'll swear he sounded as if he was saying something stupid on porpoise. Or even taking the piss. No matter. He needs replacing. The whole commentary scene needs a big shake-up.
Posted by: Tony.T | 02 February 2006 at 16:20
Line of the day from Ian Chappell earlier tonight - "South Africa needs a big score from Gibbs. At the moment you wouldn't bet on it."
Posted by: Anthony from Chippendale | 03 February 2006 at 19:36
I only saw about five minutes of Friday's game, Anthony. But, coincidentally, it was a five minutes taken up with Gibbs getting out to a rank tonk.
Posted by: Tony.T | 05 February 2006 at 17:34