FIVE

Meme manners are an awkward business aren't they. Sure, it's flattering to be thought of, as that tea-hag Noreen thought of me. (Even though she's probably just sucking up because she ignored my previous meme.) As Oscar Wilde once said "The only thing worse than being talked about, is being a tedious fucker who quotes Oscar Wilde." So, it's nice to be remembered. Unlike how I disremembered Darlene Whatsername when she memed me.

Nor is every topic hideously dire. "What are your five favourite Mojo Singers' jingles?" would be worth a lash. ("Whack, Whack, Whack-a-Doo - Ohh, what a feeling!") As would "Your five favourite John Barry soundtracks are?" (The Persuaders, The Ipcress File, for starters) Or even "Which five TV newsreaders might have the best legs?"

But what about the great majority of memes that suck? Just as a bare few are worth a whirl, most others don't warrant even a moment's consideration. "Favourite colour?" Yer kidding, right? "Favourite brand of underwear?" Not that it's any business of yours - anything soft. And "Favourite foreign food?" Christ and/or The Prophet on a nondenominational bike!

Especially loathesome are those wankers who change the meme and compile pretty much whatever they want. What's the bet the same people enjoy drinking games and suffer from COVS*. Not forgetting those halfwits who go on and on and on about memes. Could they be any more aggravating?

But that's not me. I'm nothing if not a polite chap:

Five things to do before I die:

1. At last tally there were least a billion, it would be too hard to whittle the list down to five. But if I were pressed to name one off the top o' me noggin it would be to stop wondering what I'm going to do before I die.

Five things I cannot do:

1. Paint.
2. Play music.
3. Sing.
4. Read fast.
5. Write left-handed. (Not that I want to.)

Five things that make me want to leave the city:

1. The country.

Five things I say:

1. Shut up, and get to work.
2. Wrong.
3. You're late.
4. Very funny, Insert name here, never heard that one before.
5. Balls!

Five books I read in a day:

1. The Firm.
2. Tourist Season.
3. First Blood.
4. The Bloody Road To Death.
5. Day of the Jackal.

Five movies I enjoyed, but saw again and thought they were stupid:

1. The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean.
2. The Natural.
3. Brubaker.
4. Vanishing Point.
5. The Silver Streak.

Five people to tag:

1. Balls!

* Change of Venue Syndrome. Only the very greatest arseholes drone on "let's go here" or "let's go there" when you have settled in for a session.

Comments

[Tony.T]

Did you appreciate my cunning headline? Admit it - you did, didn't you. When you saw that roman V instead of a 5 just like in Se7en, you can't have helped but think "That Tony, he really is something."

And by something, I don't mean a head in a box.

[gav]

I did my 1st and only meme a few weeks back and I remember specifically pondering which of my fellow bloggers were least likely to complete one.

As much as you took some piss, I'm still a tad disheartened.

Expecting highbrow in the morrow. Ot at least something about cricket.

[Tony.T]

Your's wasn't a meme, it was an inquisition.

And what's this taking the piss? I didn't take the piss. Now I'm disheartened.

[DJ]

What about favourite brand of sausage roll? Or favourite seventies big hair band? There is a limitless number of pointless topics.

[Tony.T]

Sorry, we don't do pointless here. It's all 100% pointful.

[pat]

Speaking of which (defence wins the Bowl) who are your five favourite running backs of all time? Mine are ...

[gav]

It was an inquisition. First, and last, I have promised myself. At least I have covered most everything in one go.

You still have some work to do. Not nearly enough pointless/full information. Favourite ice-cream flavour is absent for a start.

[Tony.T]

Running backs?

Eric Dickerson.
The Juice. (Did his best running off-field.)
Emmett Smith.
Barry Sanders.
I'm stuck now.

Icecream?

Honeycomb Drumsticks and Red Berry Cornetto.

[pat]

Jerry Rice #1. Sure he was a wide receiver but if he was given the chance he'd be a shoe in. Marcus Allen of LA Raiders to complete your 5.

5 favourite veiled threats:

1) How'd you like a knuckle sandwich?
2) Here's a bunch of five?
3) Love or Hate, the choice is yours!
4) Come here and smell the cheese.
5) Looks like you're cruisin for a bruisin.

[Tony.T]

Rice is pushing things. But don't forget Thurman Thomas. You need someone to fumble in the big game. Red Grange was a running back, wasn't he? And Bronco Nagurski.

Another threat:

"Has your mother got a sewing machine? Well stitch this then, Jimma?"

Naturally, said with a Scottish accent.

[pat]

Probably shouldn't admit it but I love a Gaytime.

[Tony.T]

So. Do. I.

Urk.

There was a great headline in the Herald Sun a couple of weeks ago. But bugger me (oops) if I can't remember exactly how it went. They somehow fit Golden Gaytime into a thing about the Commo Games. 'Bout the only good thing likely to come out of that farce.

[girtbysea]

there ya go:
best ever headline in newspaper

my nomination:
story on car crash

"skidmarks tell the story"

[Tony.T]

No contest! The London Sun after Sweden beat England:

Swedes Two, Turnips Nil

[pat]

1) Golden Gaytime
2) Pine Lime Splice
3) Almond Magnum
4) Banana Paddle Pop
5) Double Choc Wedge

What about 5 favourite junk foods no longer manufactured:

1) Toobs
2) Pizza Hut Submarines
3) Vanilla Paddle Pop
4) Ice Cream Mars Bar
5) Sherbet Wine Bottles (rare)

[Tony.T]

1) Gaytime - Tick.
2) Pine Lime Splice - Tick.
3) Almond Magnum - Dunno it.
4) Banana Paddle Pop - Cross.
5) Double Choc Wedge - Cross.

1) Toobs - Dunno it.
2) Pizza Hut Submarines - Big Cross. Bloody awful.
3) Vanilla Paddle Pop - Pass.
4) Ice Cream Mars Bar - Cross.
5) Sherbet Wine Bottles (rare) - Dunno them.

My fave lollies are Marella Jubes. My All-Time favourite lollies are Rountrees Fruit Gums, but they don't make 'em any more.

[pat]

The secret to the ph-Sub was adding plain chips to negate the acidity of the vinegar. It's just common science.

[gav]

Toobs - oh how I miss yoo.

[pat]

5 things I can't live without:

1) My vital organs
2) Oxygen
3) Atmosphere
4) Gravity (see point 3)
5) Food

[Tony.T]

Science? Calling Bruce Eliott!

By the way, that concoction doesn't sound anything like an improvement.

[pat]

What's Bruce got to do with it?

[Tony.T]

That Bruce can check on Murali's finances. See if he cheats taxes like he cheats wickets. I meant this Bruce.

[pat]

Ahh the double-el Bruce, no doubt becuase of this eccentricity he has an affinity with disjointed el-bows.

Note that the double-el Bruce was an "inaugural chair" - you don't mess with them!

[Tony.T]

They could pad it with The One And Only inaugural chair, and they wouldn't be lying. I prostrate myself before his inauguralness.

[pat]

He seems quite a charming "fellow".

[Tony.T]

Ba-Doom! Ba-Dish!

[pat]

Gav - after years of vain search I have recently come across a maker of Toob replicas known as "Barbeque Rings" (not to be confused with "Burger Rings") and only available in FruitnVeg shops. I'll get their manufacturers name for you. A life without Toobs is a life less lived.

[Tony.T]

Well, I'll be! I never noticed those toobs and vital organs comments. I was obviously working too hard.

[pat]

Probably could have left it at "1) My Vital organs", just to give the comedy gold impact the comedic bunch of 5. Everyone should have one of these in case they forget just how vitally important these organs really are.

[gav]

Please do pat - that would be toobrific! I miss them so.

[Francis Xavier Holden]

don't write with left hand! but you blog don't you?

[carneagles]

Personally, I miss Space Food Sticks.

[Tony.T]

I miss pink Quik, Aktavite and Ovaltine Chocolate Time Extra.

[Tony.T]

Well, I don't really. But from memory, I drunk them with my right hand.

[CB]

Labouring the point, aren't you? You should drink more, takes your mind off the details.

[Tony.T]

Labouring the point helps keep my mind off beer.

[girtbysea]

maybe you guys can help?

the orange sunny boy was called "SunnyBoy"
the cola one was called "Glug"
the raspberry one was "Razz"
wtf was the green one called?

it has been plaguing me for ages. I even wrote to Champs but he didn't know. Eventually he came back with "Cool Daddy" but it didn't ring true.

Anyone? Class? Anyone?

[Tony.T]

I'm right with you, Girt. Not six weeks ago I was trying to find out exactly the same thing. Don't forget to call them tetrapaks, though.

And just last night, in light of this post, I was pining for the taste of the crystalline crunchy parts of sunnyboys. But definitely not the sucked out flavourless part.

[boynton]

I think it was something like Kool...

Or is that what you are when you say Got any Green? ;)

[Tony.T]

What state of memory do you call it when you can't work out if something rings any bells? Because that's where I am with Kool?

For me it was Got any orange? Strictly a sunnyboys boy.

I suppose, now that I think about it, that The Sunnyboys were named after sunnyboys.

[Nabakov]

I suggest an all purpose response to internet memes.

1. The Godfather 2
2. ATO Investigator
3. This amazing place in the Maldives
4. Daffy Duck-themed lingerie
5. Prairie oysters!
6. "I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)"
7. Nude hang gliding on acid
8. Albury/Wodonga
9. Napalm. And lots of it.
10. Cooking, reading, dancing and meeting people

[pat]

Top 5 Childhood Tortures:

1) The Crow Peck
2) The Chinese Arm Burn
3) The Horse Slap/Indian Redskin
4) The Dead Leg
5) The Tea Towel Stockwhip

Honorary mention:
1) The Ear Lobe Flick from behind
2) The Leg Fight: both children fight over lounge by lying on their backs wildly kicking each other

Top 5 Childhood Torments:- no less effective

1) The Mimic ad-nauseam Child: "Stop copying me!", Tormenter: "Stop copying me!"
2) The Staring Competition (usually ends with crow peck , dead leg and all out warfare)
3) The Finger in the Eye that never touches: Child: "Stop touching me", Tormenter: "I'm not touching" ::Finger so close to eye it just touches eyelashes::
4) The Constant Dobber
5) The Petty Crossing of the Line of Demarcation: Child:"Get out of my room",Tormenter: "I'm not in your room" ::Right big toe just over doorway boundary::

[Tony.T]

Bully Alert!

[pat]

Hey, not fair Tony. You would recognise these things if you had 1) an older brother, 2) were overwhelmed by superiority of numbers of sisters or 3) went to a Christian Brothers school.

I'm the victim here Tony, the VICTIM! Look at my scars. (ok, some of them I did, but only in retaliation I tell ya)

[pat]

Girls can be the most vicious and relentless of tormenters, especially when they roam in packs. Haven't you ever had an encounter with the "Mole Patrol"?

[pat]

Geez, I'm feeling falsely accused here. Points of clarification: At my school all boys had to line up every Friday and any boy who wasn't playing Rugby that weekend had to have an acceptable reason (terminal illness, family died in bush crash etc) those who failed the test received a "Crow Peck" from the Sports Master.

Punishment: any boy who failed to amend their ways after repeated strappings received the "[insert name of Brother] Special". A rudely carved piece of 4x2 in the shape of a cricket bat. Boy had to bend over and touch toes and be on-driven by Brother wielding "The Special".

Sigh, they were good years.

[Tony.T]

No older brothers.
No sisters.
Two all-boy Anglican schools.

The hallmarks, I think you will find, of a very solid citizen indeed. Ora Et Labora, and all that protestant work ethic business. Ra! Ra! Ra!

Most definitely I've been tormented by a mole patrol. A singularly unpleasant experience most common on suburban trains in the seventies. Especially in my school uniform.

[Adsy]

Top 5 schoolyard games:

1. Traditional footy/cricket
2. British Bulldog
3. Downball/4 Square etc
4. Barley, Tiggy and variations
5. What's The Time Mr Wolf?

You may have played a lot of these under different names. Honorable mention to Kiss-chasey!

[Tony.T]

Oddly enough, kiss-chasey wasn't big at my all-boy school. Ahem. Not that I'd admit, anyway. Cough.

[pat]

Added to the list of "Top 5 schoolyard games" is Handball which usually degenerated into "Brandings".

[girtbysea]

sunny boys are now made by berri (and are no subs for the original btw)

i rang their customer service line.

i asked them what the cola one was and they didn't even know about it. no chance of the green one then, and sure enough... clueless

dont these people go through an induction process which includes the gaining of an appreciation of their corporate history ?

How do they know where they are going unless they know where they came from?

Things are crook in tullarook.

[pat]

Did you wear a Straw Boater Tony? We wore one of those Tom Brown skull caps with miniscule peak.

[pat]

Adsy, bit of controversy at my office. Is British Bulldog the same as Bullrush where everyone runs from one side of the playground to the other with the captured in the middle or is it a form of Brandings?

"Kiss-chasey" I assume is "Catch-and-Kiss"?

What are games 3 and 4?

[Adsy]

Yep Pat, the way we played British Bulldog was having a "field" say 25 metres long, start with one in the middle and depending on whether it was at playtime or in a sports class you either had to be tackled to the ground (playtime) or tagged (class) to join that person in the middle. Same game I'd say as Bullrush. Out of class games got pretty willing! Another version was Octopus: had to only get tagged to join the middle but then the middle group had to join hands and become one big group.

Brandings I am guessing is another name for the game we called Brandy. Person with the ball was it, had to hit another person with the ball for them to be it. Usually had a spot in the school grounds that was "barley", basically a place where you could not get hit. The it person couldn't camp there either because you had a 20 second immunity before they could brand you.

Downball is probably the same game as Handball. Played on asphalt squares (we had a 24 square court at our school!) the player in square 1 was King, 2 Queen, etc and the bottom one was Dunce. Usually had a lineup to get into the squares at one stage when it was pretty popular, so if you went out you had to sit out for a while! Rules fairly simple, cant double bounce in your square, you had to hit it once with any part of your body in your square before it landed in another persons square (no "on the fulls") Outside lines were out, you could call "liner" and replay the point if the inside lines were hit. You had to hit the ball, couldn't "carry" it into another persons court etc.

Not a bad game all round really. God, it takes longer to write down the rules than it does to play a point!!

[Tony.T]

I used to love Handball, but the way we played it was much the same as European HB.

We also played a game called Butts. Now don't get the wrong idea just because I went to a posh school. Butts is squash against a wall where you use your hand instead of a racket and try to jam the ball into the angle at the bottom of the wall. When you get the ball smack in the corner it drops dead and the other person can't hit it. This is called a butt.

No boaters, Pat. At primary school we had a cap, but when I changed school to go to senior school they'd done away with caps a few years earlier.

Girt: If you can get this page to load, it has modern day sunnyboys. Not a patch on the tetras, though. Have thinks ever been uncrook in Tullarook?

[girtbysea]

what was the page?

apparently some things are not crook in tullarook, at least for less than a ten-er.

[carneagles]

I can't believe they're still manufacturing Freezas.

[tONY]

Tony, I can't understand anyone who doesn't love Vanishing Point more and more every time they see it. One of my Dad's favorite films.

Hey Pat, what about Noogins? Knuckles pushing into scalp & twisted. There was another one involving a glancing blow of the knuckles to the back of the head, but I can't remember what it was called. Bloody hurt, though.

[pat]

tONY: That Noogins sounds a treat - might try it on the next annoying customer I get.

The second one sounds very much like the dreaded "Crow Peck": clenched fist with middle finger slightly protruding, crack across top of head with the first finger joint from the knuckle - yowch! - "Sorry Brother, yes I will wear the full school track suit next time Brother."