NOT QUITE RIGHTS

Just prior to Christmas one of my Sydney spies had lunch with Channel Seven honcho David Leckie. You'll recall this was also just prior to Channel Nine submitting their $780 million bid for the AFL rights. Not surprisingly, the rights came up in conversation. "If Packer died this week," Leckie said, "James would make sure Nine got the rights." A superb mozz, it turned out, coupled with an accurate prediction. Kerry Packer DID indeed punt the pail the following week, and Nine DID win the rights. As we now know, that's not how things ended. While Kerry is still dead, and Seven cross their fingers he will be for some time yet, Nine didn't ultimately end up with the rights. In 1997 Seven had paid $20 million to secure the option to submit the final bid; this option they exercised last Thursday when they increased their initial offer to trump Nine. A result that may have surprised Leckie who had also conceded "There is no way we'll match Nine's offer." An incorrect and/or misleading statement that neatly echoes last year's media coverage of the whole rights issue. "Seven/Ten coup!" "Nine back in the running!" Seven/Ten in the box seat!" "Cloud Nine!" You get the picture? One thing comes racing to mind -  all over the place like a mad woman's sh ... erry.

So now that Seven/Ten have the rights, where does that leave us? Well, me.

For a start, let me make one thing clear - up until 2001 I loathed Channel Seven's footy coverage. I'm not really sure why, but it's probably something to do with their continually boasting "Seven has been home of football for 40-odd years". Has been, is right. The claim that somehow Seven provided superior coverage because they had done so since John Coleman did his knee at Golgotha was a tedious insult. Their coverage, especially their commentators, had for at least the previous ten years been utterly dreadful. If you don't believe me, take a squizz at some of their nineties footage currently shown on Fox Footy - it's gruesome. Nor should it be ignored that in those 40-some years, natural technological advances aside, Seven made startlingly few worthwhile improvements to their telecasts. I was happy they lost the rights. A change is as good as a long weekend, they say. Losing the rights might make them lift their game for next time. For the next five years we would be spared Ian Robertson's back-pedals "Oh well, I suppose the umpire's in the best position" after he'd bagged a decision. Or his shit-canning spectators doing what spectators do "Look at that idiot!" Seriously - he says that. Or Terry Wheeler's "I'm just happy to be here." Well, that's what it amounted to for Terry, and for that matter, Seven in general. Then there was Seven's mantra - never bag the product. They took suck-coverage to previously unhoneyed heights of unctuousness. They even suspended a commentator for criticizing Telstra Dome's surface. Absurd.

That's not to say I'm a huge fan of Nine or Ten.

It's often said that Nine's Friday night telecasts are as good as Aussie Rules coverage has ever been. There's something in that, but it's a little overstated. Sure, the package is slick, what with all the bells and whistles, but there was a little too much garnishing for me. And don't forget, the games are still not live. Their Sunday afternoon live games were adequate, despite Dwayne Russell, but their 4 pm replay was dodgy. Chock full of ads and with Tony Jones continually glancing at a lap-top sitting on his desk. Why? Who knows. Standard studio prompts apparently weren't good enough. Maybe they'd spent all the budget on Friday night. This farce is probably why Seven want Sunday twilight games. Nor was I ever comfortable with Eddie in his role as Collingwood prez, media journo and Friday night caller. Nine's blurring of those roles smacked of arrogance. "We think Eddie's the best caller, so that's the way it is." Ed as host, but not caller, would have been a satisfactory arrangement. Apart from anything else, Eddie is not a particularly good caller. He's ok, sure, but up against the pros, Cometti, Lane, McAvaney, he comes across as an excited schoolboy. Not surprisingly, most of the blockheads ringing up radio stations in recent days have given one reason in particular for their being glad Seven has the rights - no Eddie. Rock all punters have rung to bag Nine's coverage. Of course, plenty of those callers were also glad to be shot of Dermot Brereton. They're right, the guy is an embarrassment, a pretentious clod. And the haaaiiiirrr!!

Channel Ten is strictly meat and potatoes. Tim Lane is fine, but Anthony Hudson's voice is sport's nearest thing to fingernails on a blackboard. Steven Quartermaine is cut from the same cloth as Eddie. Few commentators make as many outright mistakes as Michael Christian, he's a boob. Ten's special comment teams are atrocious. Steven Silvagni is token, he's getting better, but he's a colourless drone in the box. Malcolm Blight employs the scattergun approach, throw ten way-out comments and maybe one will appear vaguely sensible. Robert Walls is a specialist in the bleedin' obvious. "That was a great goal, Robert," throws Huddo. "Yes, Anthony, it was." Thanks, guru - thanks for fuck all. Ten also have a fixation whereby a variety of statistics must be stuck in the corner of the screen. Thanks, guys, but the score will do. Their camerawork is haphazard. The last quarter in the grand final was just abysmal. Chances are they set a world record for the number of unnecessary crowd-shots. Tip to Ten: it's the game we want to see, not the clods in the crowd.

A quick note on the ratings. Accepted wisdom has Seven picking up one to two points to finally best Nine as the top channel. This doesn't add up. For years when Seven had the footy, it tanked in the ratings, yet when they lost the footy, they improved their numbers. There's every chance that now they have the footy back, Seven's numbers will drop. Nine has suddenly freed up zillions of dollars to throw at other promotions, while Seven is already talking about cutting costs. And, of course, Nine are still going to clobber the other stations in the rugby league states. Come to think of it, should a footballed-up Seven go backwards in the ratings hot on the heels of a footballed-up Nine performing below their best (Although they ARE still winning!), it will make for an interesting bidding process next time round. Will the worth of televising footy be revised down? Does that mean the next rights would sell for less? That'd be a kick in the pants for the AFL. It would be a laugh, too, if Foxtel refused to deal with Seven and Seven ended up having to show Friday night games live into Sydney against the rugby league double-headers. I'll make a bold statement here: Seven did not shell out all that money so they could rate single figures in Sydney. Fox will threaten to knock back offers from Seven, but only to drive down the price. Seven need Fox to help defray the cost of the rights and to take the heat off in the northern markets on Friday night.

Boiled down to leather and liniment, most footy fans just want to see the games. This is like as not going to stay the same as it is now - a 5/3 split between free-to-air and Foxtel. (If Seven strike a deal with ESPN, and ESPN slot in ads like they do elsewhere, I'm dumping cable.) There's every chance the vision will be as good, if not better, than it is now. And yes, that does mean we'll continue to get too many close-ups, and not enough perspective footage.

Nope, it's not the vision that has me concerned, it's the commentary. Who's in the frame?

Bruce McAvaney is a certainty to be the front man. He knows his onions, they key is to get him to turn off the sugar and appreciate that there's nothing wrong with being critical. No gushing would be a bonus. Dennis Cometti is the best footy commentator in the land. Needs to lay off the comedy routines, but it would be criminal if Seven didn't have him back. Tim Lane will still be doing his thing at Ten.

After those three, the pickings are slim. There is a huge pool of callers and special comments men, but little depth. Wayne Schwass, Wayne Carey, Tim Watson, Danny Frawley, James Brayshaw (in moderation) are a few that I can handle, but they are way outnumbered by the plonkers. While Fox, Ten and Nine have plenty of dead wood, just look who Seven currently have in stable and I defy you not to howl in pain. Robertson, Sandy Roberts, Dipper, Joanna Griggsh may show up somewhere (Women commentators?), Rex Hunt, Paul Salmon - fuck! That line-up is just too hideous to dwell on. Paul Salmon?!? Sob. Fingers crossed Seven will show us some mercy. With any luck they'll ditch the boundary rider gimmick and ban "roll the dice", "the dish", "coast to coast" and "kicking from the paint".

Expect to see about the same from Ten. It's Seven that needs to take the big strides to catch up to, and then overtake current standards if it doesn't want to be unfavourably compared with Nine. But as always with Seven there's the gnawing suspicion that they'll jump into the new era full steam a-hind. What's that I hear? That's What I Like About Football, is it? No it's Fanfare for the Common Man.

Comments

[pat]

But it isn't footy Tone, it's product. I heard Andrew Demetriou interviewed by the ABC last Saturday re *the new big deal* and I can't recall him ever mentioning football, only the product.

So that's what you guys play - Australian Product League.

[Tony.T]

But, Pat, we need to somehow differentiate it from your Australian Product League.

[Gareth]

That's the National Product League, isn't it?

[Tony.T]

Is that right? Pah! Bloody rugby!

[pat]

The NPL is not Rugby - that's our other product: The Australian Product Union. NPL and APU, totally different products.

[Tony.T]

Well, whatever they are called, and for what it's worth, I prefer the NPL to the APU. Both the game, and the coverage. Nine do good work with the Product League. For this part-time watcher, anyway.

[pat]

I like watching product. Any product. Woolworths have great product.

[carneagles]

Ah, a subject close to my heart.

My heartfelt desire for Seven to win back the coverage had nothing to do with any fetish for that pompous toad Sandy Roberts or some sort of nostalgia for Emerson, Lake and Palmer. It was purely based on the fact that I'm a cheap bastard and I don't want to have to pay for Foxtel to see the Eagles play away.

That said, I've been watching a lot of old games for my summer cork writeups (sly plug) and I have to agree with the general comments. Seven was smug, self-congratulatory and prone to the occasional slide into arthouse wank (anyone remember "Football. Let's Play Football"?). But it was where Dennis Cometti did his best work after leaving the ABC, and the standard of coverage improved quite a bit once they got a bit of cable competition.

I also don't mind Bruce. Sure, he's a schoolgirl, but so's Clinton Grybas and people seem to think he's some sort of star caller. And, now that the Duck has waddled off to his retirement pond, who will be Bruce's new idol? My money's on Judd.

After Bruce, Dennis and maybe Tim Lane, that's pretty much it, unfortunately. Maybe we need some sort of recruitment drive for new caller talent in this country, because we have a depth of talent at the moment that's making the AFL umpire pool look as deep as the Mariana Trench.

[Tony.T]

You won't see any love for Clunt Grabarse here.

If Seven get all shitty and won't take Dennis back, I'd like to see him replace Quarterbrain and pair with Tim Lane. I'd tip Cometti and Lane would be a fantastic pairing for Sat-Dee night Footeee on Ten.

PS: And excellent write-ups they are, too.

[SaggyGreenCricketCircus]

ahhh....all these product peddlers are taking their cue from the El Supremo of Sporting Spivs, James Sutherland. I challenge you to read any Cricket Australia press release without the bile rising- product, market-reach and my fave, the excreable "stakeholders" abound.

[Tony.T]

Stakeholder? Wouldn't you just love to drive a stake through the heart of every sports official who uses that hideous term? Spot on about Sutherland, Saggy. All that shilling and not a Boon Bat, Beautiful Bellerive, Waugh Stories or Pride of The Baggy Green in sight. Tony Grieg would be proud.

[carneagles]

Cheers.

[Mr Z]

Methinks Dennis Cometti will have scheduled his contract renewal for about, oh, now, to time his jump after the Commonwealth Games and prior to the preseason. And the bods at Seven know he is the best footy caller so they'll be glad to have him.

[Mr Z]

Oh, and I'm pretty sure that I heard Demitriou state that all 8 games will be on free to air. So I guess we'll get the Eagles away games, just not live.

[Tony.T]

On Saturday afternoon on 3AW Demetriou definitely said that Seven had bought the rights to all eight games, and at this stage the 'Consortium' would be showing all those eight. When pressed by Rohan Connolly "ALL eight games, Andrew?" he said that he didn't know of any talks between Seven and Foxtel. Caroline Wilson was there and she said she would be staggered if Seven Ten showed all the eight. And Clumpton Grabarse, who works for Fox Footy, tacitly agreed. He expects Fox to get games. Last year he stated catagorically, that no matter who won the rights battle, Fox Footy would be doing some footy.

[Mr Z]

Sure, 'some footy', but I take that to mean live rather than exclusive. If they haven't sorting the final details out now, then they're just a bunch of incompetant dic..... oh.

[Gareth]

Your instincts are spot on, Mr Z. Cometti signed a five-year deal with Nine. It expires at the end of 2006.

[Mr Z]

Aha, I keep forgetting that Nein still has the contract for 06.

Pretty sweet timining. Gets Commonwealth Games then the Olympics while maintaining the footy. Good work if you can get it.

[Tony.T]

Most of the commentators at Nine have contracts linked to Nine having the footy. Those blokes will be free to negotiate for other outlets in 2007.

Re Fox and the footy. There is a tenuous expectation that footy will be on cable in pretty much the same format as it is right now. With one difference - Friday night up north. At the moment Nine insists that Fox not show the Friday night game until after Nine have shown it at about 11 pm. Ask my brother about it and you'll get a shortish, well very short answer. Now one of the outlets MUST show the Friday night game live into Brizvegas and Riot-town. Seven aren't goint to want to do it because they would take a bath in the ratings. Ten are doing Saturdays, so that realistically only leaves Foxtel (at this stage). The upshot? It would be surprising if Foxtel didn't show the Friday night game live up north.

[Anthony from Chippendale]

I always find it puzzling that every media outlet seems to allow Seven to get away with the claim that "7 was the home of footy" for all those years.

What about The Winners and A Pleasant Sunday Morning?

7 might have been footy's home but the game sure had a lot of sleepovers at Aunty's place?

And what about 1987 when footy actually moved out of "home" and went to live with Aunty for a year? We never hear anyone at 7 mention it.

[Tony.T]

Somewhere in the nineties they must have been called on those claims.

I remember when they used to boast they had held "the exclusive rights to football" since whenever and toned it down to "the home of football" since whenever. I'm prepared to concede the latter, because they were almost universally accepted as "the footy channel".

Why is almost italixed? Well, from 1980 until 1987 I lived in country WA and saw lots of VFL - NONE of which was on Channel Seven, it was all on the ABC. I distinctly remember Doug Heywood (good Demon man) commentating the 1981 and '82 Grand Finals, but we also got Geoff Leek, Ian Cleland, Tim Lane and Drew Morphett. So they couldn't sensibly go on referring to themselves with the "exclusive" part.

[Tony.T]

But it's all a matter of semantics. A few years ago Channel Seven were claiming they were the No.1 station because they were winning a ratings period in Perth (I think it was Perth). Channel Nine challenged them in court and, if my memory serves, Seven won. So if there's even the remotest chance of a TV station siezing on some rosy numbers to beat up the ratings, they'll do it. No matter how dodgy the numbers.

[Anthony from Chippendale]

Tony,

Please refrain from using vile language. The mere connection of the words Drew & Morphett in the same sentence is enough to send me into a cold sweat.

[Tony.T]

You're lucky you're in Riotville. Drew's been doing the ABC rayjo footy down here. It's depressing they aren't capable of finding someone else. It says to me the cupboard is bare when it comes to competent callers.

[Tony.T]

Where's Smokey Dawson, for a start?

[Anthony from Chippendale]

Doesn't Smokey do Friday Nights for 6PR?

[Tony.T]

He DOES?!?

[carneagles]

Smokey calls on 6PR with Brad Hardie. He's not bad.

[Tony.T]

Smokey's a gun. Has been, always will be.

Smokey: "Duperouzel is tackled by Tuck. And Matthews. And Ayres. And Dippierdomenico. He doesn't look too good. Biggs?"

Doug "Biggs" Biggelow: "Bruce Duperouzel, you were mugged."

They were a great team.