After Grog Blog

$500 UNSHAMED

Sydney is a great place, no really, but this business is a lottle hard to take:

"What? You actually want to stay in Melbourne over New Year's and miss out on seeing the greatest firework display in the world from the greatest city in the world?"

Lather. It. On. Hype that brazen can only come from a politician on the sell, right? Morris Yumma? Bob the Banker? The Liberal guy - Whatsisface? Wrong. It was none other than Channel Nine Cricket's saleman-in-residence Tony Greig at the start of yesterday's play.

I was somewhere in mid-curse when the purpose of Tone's shameless hucksterism became apparent. Turns out his real motive wasn't a newfound enthusiasm for his second adopted homeland. 

"Yes, Bull," urged the big shill. "If you come to Sydney for New Year's Eve you will be able to watch the brilliant fireworks live on Channel Nine."

Ignore, if you will, two salient facts. One, no sane person gives the tiniest fuck about the Melbourne/Sydney thing, and two, anyone who get's excited at fireworks is a certifiable cretin. No, instead, concentrate on the ball - Grieg & cricket. Anyone who thinks Kerry Packer's demise will usher in Tone-free cricket coverage is fooling themselves. Nine is a hard-nose commercial outfit, and no one at the cricket is more willing to peddle piss-poor product than Grieg. Couple that with his mythical lifetime contract - it refers to Grieg's life, not Packer's - and it means we're stuck with the big dud for a while yet.

TILL DEPTH DO US PART

"I am not a pervert." Well, no one said you were, Mrs ... Dolphin.

British woman weds dolphin

British tourist Sharon Tendler has finally made her dream match - by "marrying" a dolphin she has been visiting for 15 years in the Israeli resort of Eilat, the mass-circulation Yediot Ahronot daily reported.

Only tuna-free jokes in the comments, please.

WE CALL THEM ...

... "sentence finishers?" Why, errr, yes. Happily these fools register a loud ping on my fuckwit radar so I need waste little time working out I'm talking to a slow-learner. It's a perfectly tedious business conversing with simpletons, much better I sit in the corner doing a crossword, but often it's difficult to slip away. Manners, and all that. The done thing is to throw it back at them with good natured spite. "I saw The Who last year, they did a fabulous version of ... " I pause, luring them into my trap. "My Generation?" they'll jump in all expectant like. "No - Agadoo." They soon get the message and scuttle off.

SIDESHOW ROY

Whaddaya reckon? Spooked Ponting declare too early, did he? Pitch still pretty good? South Africa to win? One thing's for sure, dried banana tastes great.

CHANGE BOWLER

It's a commentator's prerogative to change his mind:

Spanky: "Makaya Ntini doesn't bowl well to left-handers."

Slinky Bongo: "But Peter, you wrote the other day that Ntini is the best bowler in the world to left-handers."

Spanky: "Well, I'm allowed to change my mind after three days."

Can't find where Spanky wrote it, mind, I really want to give him the benefit of the doubt - but you know how it goes ...

RIKP

Tony Grieg sacked? Odd how these things happen, isn't it - I was just starting to like the big yarpie.

In related funny-about-that news:

"All tests in this part of the world should start at 11:00."

-- Ian Chappell, yesterday

Update! "Like" him? Well ... you knooooww ... that's not strictly true.

Update! Mike Coward - goose!

Proteas outplay, out-sledge Australia

On yesterday's showing, Graeme Smith, South Africa's canny captain and proud agent provocateur, has the Australians pegged. He is convinced they are losing their might and, to the chagrin of counterpart Ricky Ponting and his minions, has been quick to say so publicly.

Inevitably the war of words of recent days was transferred to the middle and from afar it seemed the Australians were out-sledged as well as outplayed.

Bollox! Sure, Warne bit, but he always has. Sledging is just too over-rated by our hacks, especially international sucks like Coward. Andre the Giant Mouth would have been biting his tongue after letting fly at Mike Hussey, only to have Shameless immediately smack him back over his noggin for consecutive sixes. Sledging? Fuck off!

Just between you, me and the internets, Andre, despite a virulent case of White-Line Fever (Can you imagine the flack he'd cop from our hacks were he Strayan?), looks like a good sort of bloke.

Update! Graham Smith might be a canny captain, but where was that can this morning when his field was all over the shop? Or is that slop? He had an absolute shocker.

Update! Peter Roebuck must read the AGB - Hello there, Spanky - he's on to The Mozz.

Sooner or later, someone will study the effects of drinks breaks on cricket matches, whereupon it will emerge that they take more wickets even than a commentator observing that "this bloke looks solid".

Solid as a rock melon.

Gareth 1.51pm WST: "Those yarpies are being a bit persisent, aren't they"

TV 1.52pm WST: "McGrath hits him on the back pad ... OUT!"

Colleague 1.53pm WST: "not anymore"

MOZZ!

De Villiers - Mozzed Parker - 61. Neck AND crop - whatever that means.

MRRY CHRSTMS

While you're ripping into that glazed ham, without cutlery, keep it in mind that Jesus was a Jew. Or should that be Jw?

Yahweh is the proper name of the God Of Israel and was written YHWH, there being no vowels in Hbrw. How it would have been pronounced is a matter of speculation, but modern opinion favours Yahweh. Jehovah is an earlier attempt to render the same name.

Did you know that? It was news to me. Speaking of Jews, here's a joke:

Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners?

Rude-olph.

Ho. Ho. Ho. One of the many zingers that caused today's crackers to explode without warning.

GET OFF MY SCREEN

Caught Air Force One on telly the other day. This film can only have been made to suck money out of teenagers and cretins. What a load of old rubbish! Harrison Ford? Well, since Blade Runner he's made 25 movies, 3 of which don't suck. Had he given it all away back then, few sane viewers would have missed his bland phiz. Working Girl, anyone? I thought not. And Gary Oldman? All ham - what a cock!

Soldier: "Counting 32 survivors."

-- Air Force One

They save President Ford, don't you know. "Liberty Two Four is now Air Force One!" Yaaay! goes the war-room. I'm sorry - did I spoil it for you?

ELEMENTARY

Sorry, been neglecting my obsessions.

Madame Valladon: "I have finally decided to go to that address."
Holmes: "32 Ashdown Street?"

-- The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes

STATS MORE LIKE IT

John Pierik? Couldn't give two hoots about him. Crash Craddock? Well, I like Crash - normally. Upon reading this piece by the pair of them in yesterday's Herald Sun, I spat out "You dickheads have got to be kidding!"

TOO LATE SKIPPER

Australian captain Ricky Ponting was dealing with one of the biggest blunders of his career last night after South Africa escaped with a stunning draw in the first Test at the WACA ground.

Dealing with one of the biggest blunders of his career? Balls! No doubt some journalistic sophistry would argue the case - you could argue ANY blunder is the biggest blunder of someone's career. But how often have Australia bowled fourth and not been able to bowl a team out in four sessions? Not often. South Africa batted well, is what happened. Happily today, cooler heads than Pierik and Crash (must have been caught in the WA sun) set the record straight.

Michael Horan chips in with the numbers. Numbers the should have been presented by Pierik and Craddock yesterday.

Arithmetic backs Punter's call

AUSTRALIA captain Ricky Ponting has suffered a media mauling after the drawn Test in Perth. He stands accused of batting too long and putting Brad Hodge's quest for a double century ahead of the team's chances of securing victory against South Africa. Statistics were used to condemn Ponting for not declaring much earlier and giving his bowlers up to another 1½ sessions to dispose of the tourists.

But is that really fair?

Here is another stat to consider. In 33 Tests at the WACA Ground since Australia first hosted England there in 1970-1971, the longest any touring team has survived in the fourth innings is 90.2 overs.

Precisely. And three proper cricket people put the two beat-up merchants in their place.

Plenty of time to win the Test

THREE former Australian captains have gone into bat for Ricky Ponting after critics blasted the Test skipper's decision to bat on in the drawn first Test in Perth.

[...]

Allan Border, who led Australia in a record 93 Tests and fellow captains Bob Simpson and Kim Hughes all agreed Ponting's tactics were reasonable under the conditions.

No idea what made the tools go after Ponting so hard, but it would be funny if refused to talk to them for a couple of tests. Dickheads!

Horan's closer to the money here:

Perhaps, in hindsight, the Perth Test wasn't so much a tactical gaffe on Ponting's part, but a wake-up call that Australia is in for a tough fight, particularly following the pasting given to West Indies earlier this summer.

FRIENDLESS SUMMER

Pig Wednesday? C Change? Beach Blanket Bango? Cobbers, our ABC wouldn't know a good idea if it slapped them in the inbox. What kind of head in the ... ahem ... sand mentality would knock back this gold?

TO: The Australian Broadcasting Corporation

Dear Sir or Sheila,

Got a great idea for a screenplay ...

YOU WHEELY GOT ME

I would have linked to this marvellous post earlier, but things got in the way. Well, come on - I had a paper cut!

WRONG A WRONG A ROSEY

Look. I'm not a/an historian, right, I merely watch a lot of documentary television. I'm most partial to historical programs and Monday night there were two from Channel 4. (A veritable font of docos, by the way.) At 8:30 there was London: The Greatest City on The History Channel and at 10:30 The Great Plague was on my ABC.

From what I can tell, keeping in mind there may well be some valid excuse reason for the anomaly, Channel 4 may need someone to cross-check their material.

London: The Greatest City:

"By winter (1665) the plague had wiped out 100,000 people. One fifth of the city's entire population."

Channelling Isaac Newton's apple, that makes 500,000 people - quite the bustling metropolis by 17th century standards. So it was with some degree of interest when, not two hours later, my lugs pricked up at the following:

The Great Plague:

"The population of London in 1665 was 300,000."

Typed, trebuchet answers on my desk, well, in the comments box, anyway, by the usual date, please.

THEIR NAME IS NOBODY

December 20 is Saint Domenicus of Silos Day. St Who of What? Hardly one of your ecumenical heavy-hitters, is he. You know, a biggy like Saint Peter, Saint Patrick, Saint Paul or Saint Polycarp of Smyrna. But entirely appropriate for the list historical nobodies born on this day. 1961 excepted.

* 1537 - King John III of Sweden (d. 1592)
* 1566 - Edward Wightman, English Baptist preacher (d. 1612)
* 1579 - (baptized) John Fletcher, English playwright (d. 1625)
* 1626 - Veit Ludwig von Seckendorff, German statesman (d. 1692)
* 1629 - Pieter de Hooch, Dutch painter (d. 1684)
* 1717 - Charles Gravier, comte de Vergennes, French statesman and diplomat (d. 1787)
* 1786 - Pietro Raimondi, Italian composer (d. 1853)
* 1792 - Nicolas Charlet, French painter (d. 1845)
* 1805 - Thomas Graham, Scottish chemist (d. 1869)
* 1833 - Samuel Mudd, American physician (d. 1883)
* 1838 - Edwin Abbott Abbott, English schoolmaster, theologian, and author (d. 1926)
* 1841 - Ferdinand Buisson, French pacifist, recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize (d. 1932)
* 1860 - Dan Leno, English entertainer (d. 1904)
* 1861 - Ivana Kobilca, Slovenian painter (d. 1926)
* 1868 - Harvey Firestone, American automobile pioneer (d. 1938)
* 1881 - Branch Rickey, baseball executive (d. 1965)
* 1886 - Hazel Hotchkiss Wightman, American tennis player (d. 1974)
* 1890 - Yvonne Arnaud, French-born actress (d. 1958)
* 1890 - Jaroslav Heyrovský, Czech chemist, Nobel Prize laureate (d. 1967)
* 1894 - Sir Robert Menzies, twelfth Prime Minister of Australia (d. 1978)
* 1898 - Irene Dunne, American actress (d. 1990)
* 1901 - Robert Van de Graaff, American physicist and inventor (d. 1967)
* 1902 - Sidney Hook, American philosopher (d. 1989)
* 1902 - George Edward Alexander Windsor, Duke of Kent (d. 1942)
* 1917 - David Bohm, American-born physicist, philosopher, and neuropsychologist (d. 1992)
* 1922 - George Roy Hill, American film director (d. 2002)
* 1926 - Sir Geoffrey Howe, British politician
* 1926 - Otto Graf Lambsdorff, German politician
* 1927 - Kim Young-sam, President of South Korea
* 1933 - Jean Carnahan, U.S. Senator
* 1942 - Bob Hayes, American football player (d. 2002)
* 1946 - Uri Geller, Israeli psychic
* 1946 - Dick Wolf, American television series creator
* 1949 - Soumaïla Cissé, Malian politician
* 1951 - Joey Silvera, Porno actor
* 1952 - Jenny Agutter, English actress
* 1954 - Michael Badalucco, American actor
* 1957 - Billy Bragg, English singer and songwriter
* 1957 - Mike Watt, American bassist
* 1957 - Joyce Hyser, American actress
* 1957 - Anna Vissi, Greek singer
* 1960 - Nalo Hopkinson, Canadian writer
* 1961 - Tony, Blogger
* 1965 - Rich Gannon, American football player
* 1970 - Nicole DeBoer, Canadian actress
* 1970 - Massimo Ellul, Maltese entrepreneur and philanthropist
* 1978 - Njitap Geremi, Cameroon footballer
* 1980 - Ashley Cole, English footballer
* 1990 - JoJo, American singer

1952 goes alright. As does 1951.

D'OH BALL!

A lot of noise is made about "wickets taken" with no balls. Vaughan and Trescothick in England, for instance. These incidents are always couched in the same breathless terms as dropped catches. "The England skipper had two lives on 41."

I don't agree.

The flight of a no ball will be different to that of a legitimate ball. Thus a wicket taken by a no ball would probably not have been taken by a legitimate ball in it's stead. Granted the initial high of a no ball wicket, quickly followed by the let-down of seeing the umpy with his arm out can be deflating, but if the ball was legitimate in the first place, the end result would have been different.

Sure, sure, it's a rather fine point, but it's a point needs making.

Split hairs aside, what happened when Billy Doctor reprieved Ricky Ponting, was bizarre. Bowlers taking wickets with no balls has reached epidemic proportions, but yesterday was the first time I've ever seen a bowler no-balled when it wasn't a no ball.

Televisual adjudication of no balls is becoming more and more likely.

While I'm on the topic - Shane Warne. At the WACA back in 2001 Warne was dismissed for 99, caught in the deep by Wanker Richardson off Danny Vettori. As everybody is now aware, courtesy of footage at last year's Border Medal, Vettori had bowled a no ball. So, in the same way as Justin Langer was dismissed by a Flintoff no ball at Lords, Warne should have been not out and, in fact, scored a ton. The thing is though, here I am watching Warne on 99, I saw the dismissal, I saw the replays, and yet I didn't know it was a no ball. Why? I don't think I would have missed that. And if I hadn't, I wouldn't have forgotten it. Yet what was shown at the Border Medal was news to me. What am I getting at? Well, just this - was the Border Medal footage stooged?

HE WHO LAUGHS FIRST, LAUGHS LEAST

"Blogger is crap!" was going to be my sophisticated taunt last week; once again Blogger was up the shitter. "Blogspot is for suckers." Caustic, no? Lucky I was busy then, because it would have been me who looked the sucker.

Update on TypePad Issues

Here is an update on the current issues we're experiencing with TypePad.

Most importantly, we want you to know that your blog data is safe. We have no reason to believe that any of your posts, comments, TrackBacks, photos or files have been lost.

[Blah. Other stuff.]

To reiterate, we have no reason to believe that any of your photos or files have been lost, and expect to have them restored to your blog no later than the end of the weekend.

We appreciate your patience as we work through these issues.

Sounds to me like Typepad thought it was more than just "issues". Sounds to me like they shat themselves.

Oddly enough, it's possible there were portents in the entrails of my weetbix. Last Thursday I backed-up the AGB.

CHARACTER ASSESSINATION

"You'll love Joe Bloggs, he's a real character." A character? Groan. You can't help but cringe upon hearing that. Despite my resolutely being a glass half full type of chap, there's something vaguely dismal about being told someone is a character. Experience has warned that too many of these dullards talk with their mouths full, laugh too loudly at their own bad jokes, propose drinking games, and bellow "That's EXACTLY what I meant!" when they meant nothing of the sort.

Just thinking out loud: I wonder how many bloggers are characters?

MAL DE MERDE

Watched Ocean's 12 on Sunday. Dull. Yeah, yeah, I know, it's a sequel - it is supposed to be dull. But I tend to watch sequels even when there's a good chance they will stink. Ocean's 12 didn't stink, it was only slightly off.

This time round the action (of which there's not a lot) moves from Vegas to Europe when Andy Garcia threatens pain and consequence if they don't repay him for the robbery in Ocean's 11. Garcia's been tipped off by a French master-thief who wants to challenge the retired Danny Ocean to a rob-off. From there, it's a slapdash set of hijinks, japes and twists and the film ends.

It wasn't totally hideous, I like George Clooney and Matt Damon (awful here) and I can just about handle Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt, but the result was lightweight fare. While Ocean's 11 (2001) was a lively and enjoyable improvement on the tedious Ocean's 11 (1960), Ocean's 12 is strictly a case of k'ching, k'ching. As that noted 20th century philosopher F. Vincent Zappa once wrote "We're only in it for the money."

Two main things pissed me off.

1. In Ocean's 12 the writers lost the plot. The gang intend breaking into a museum to pinch a Faberge Egg, but they need a diversion. The writer's idea? Have Tess, played by Julia Roberts, pretend she is ... wait for it ... Julia Roberts. Yes, you read right. Fifteen or so minutes are wasted while the cast play out a ridiculous farce whereby Tess tries to convince the museum staff and Bruce Willis (playing Bruce Willis) that she is Julia Roberts. Stupid film people!

2. Vincent Cassell played master-thief François Toulour, yet every time he was on the screen I found myself asking "Is this fool an actor?" A farcical performance.

My advice? Wait for it to show up on telly.

LISTING TO STARBORED

Five wickedly over-rated, media driven snore-a-thons.

1. Sydney to Hobart of yachts.
2. Spring Carnival of horses.
3. Strayan GP of cars.
4. Hopman Cup of tennis.
5. Fireworks.

No. 1 is far and away the most boring event in the Strayan sporting calendar. That yachting attracts any coverage whatsoever has always puzzled me. Yeah sure, sailing is fun, but watching? What's to watch? Boats? Fuck off. Any coverage at all is too much coverage.

DON'T GOT DIC

Still haven't won that dictionary. Bastards.

FEUD FIGHT

What's your favourite Sydney rumpus?

1. Redfern

2. Macquarie Fields

3. Cronulla

Mine's MF. Forget Redfern & Cronulla, racism is just so everywhere. "Wog cunts! -- Fucken skips fucken!" Yeah, yeah, welcome to public school. Those violent cretins out west are a different kettle of flathead entirely. It's a jolt they could roll off their couches, let alone drag themselves out into the street to hassle the pigs, maan. For once they showed some get-up and go, a little zest. Vote 2 - 1.

BORED GAMES

The Commonwealth Games, anyone? No, stupid question - not fussed here, either. Yet every day I open the papers to see what's going on in the world and instead of front-to-back football and cricket, as there should be, what do I find? Bilge about triathlon, rugby sevens and gymnastics. How tedious. "Naazmi Johnston just hit another gymnast's father on the head with a ribbon." Yeah ok, that's funny, but only by accident. The sooner this fandango is over, the better; the beat-up will be painful.

Leaping Larry L captures the Braxtown mood *:

"100 days to the Commonwealth Games!" they bellow. Hang on, I'll just grab me heart pills. Don't tell me they're going to do this every 10 days, right down to the thrilling first launch of a shuttlecock or lawn bowl. If so, to quote Daffy Duck, "Shoot me now - I love the smell of burnt feathers and cordite."

In belated related news; last week Leapster did a whole games thing. Aaaaand, he has a blog. Well, it must be a blog, it has comments. Check him out.

* Mood excludes politicians, media and hucksters on a sling.

THE VROOM STRIPPED BARE

A friend is getting married, poor sod, so he's having a buck's party. As one does. The groom, pissed off his head and tied naked to a lamp-post gets a hand-job from a stripper named Beryl - "What's the matter, luv?" Sounds just the ticket, right? Wrong. Buck's parties are less sophisticated than those affairs used to be, not quite so chic. Your modern buck's party -- stag night to you wretched Americans English -- has taken a turn for the utterly vile and debauched. Go-carts and clubbing, for instance:

Groovy gear is recommended to enable entry to later venues - I will be wearing jeans, spivvy Italian shoes and a shirt or nice collared top - we will get sweaty with the Grand Prix - they have bathrooms for us to towel down, change of shirt and deodorise - so bring what you need and we will get that back to Brighton for pick up at your convenience.

Please call me with any clarifying questions, otherwise I look forward to seeing you all on the day.

Groovy? Spivvy? Towel down? He must be taking the piss.

PRESSURE BUNNY?

Brett Lee then. Yeah, sure, the bloke has some heat, and he's bowled some fine stuff in recent ODIs. But! Last night with the pressure on he bowled yet another beamer to McCullum. Then if that wasn't bad enough, he followed up with a bizarre, brainless, look-at-me-I'm-a-fuckwit bouncer. "What a pudding-head! What a peanut! What a cock!" I bawled at the television.

Lewis & Clark. No, not the explorers, the Aussie bowlers. They went alright, didn't they. Especially Lewis, who reminded me of Swaugh at the 1987 World Cup.

Rasta Symonds or Kevin Pietersen? Discuss.

Darvey

Speaking of bunnies - Donny Darko was on SBS last night. Here's how Clark Forbes reviewed it:

Dawson's Creek meets The Twilight Zone when a sleep-walking high school student is saved from a plummeting aircraft engine by a rabbit called Frank. Not surprisingly, the kid becomes convinced that world is about to end. If it ever worked out what it wanted to be when it grew up, perhaps we could take it seriously. One Star.

If the film makes as much sense as the review (Well, the last sentence, anyway - what's "it"?) then I'd better avoid it. Not just that, but a blogger who knows his or her onions told me it was "Pretentious rubbish! What's more So-And-So likes it." So-And-So liking it is enough for me to run a mile. Not that DD has much to do with cricket.

Mitch Report

Lee out - Mitchell Johnson in. A good pick, says me.

Brett Lee on way home, Johnson off to NZ

Uncapped Queensland left-armer Mitchell Johnson will fly into Christchurch to join the Australian squad for the third and final match of the series, to be played at Jade Stadium on Saturday.

BLUE SKIES AHEAD

You local swine know who I'm talking about, but any of you foreign dogs heard of Mark Brandon Read? No? Well, perhaps you've heard of Chopper Read. Chopper, you see, was a rather violent criminal who, since being released from prison in the nineties, has made a motza out of autobiographical books and the rights to the wickedly funny movie Chopper:

Chopper: "Keithy, I always thought I was a good bloke."
Keithy George: "What did you ever do that was good?"
Chopper: "Well, I bashed you - that was good. It was good for a bit of a giggle, anyway."

Get the picture? Chopper is just your normal, everyday villain who enjoys a little vicious torture. He's since branched out. 

"Hello, how's it goin'? Fuckin here we are ... special guest bloody weatherman ... fuckin Chopper 'What's the fuckin weather like?' Read. I dunno fuckin anything about weather, but here I am with a fuckin map of Australia. Let's bloody get into it then."

Sorry, folks. Bandwidth issues mean I have to take the chopper skit offline. If you want it, send me an email, and I'll fire it off to you.

"I'M EX ... "

Big Kev died from a heart attack. What are the odds of that hey? A big fat man dead from an MCI. Not as slim odds as "Big Kev died from anorexia," I'll bet. Incidentally, the heart attack was caused by a staph infection - quite the irony for a disinfectant tycoon.

THEIR FAVOURITE FILM

That was a huge surprise, right? Rong. The results of the ABC's My Favourite Film are in, and the top 10 weren't very hard to pick. Last night before the show went to air, I cobbled together 10 movies I thought might make the list, and picked 8. The Princess Bride was a stab in the dark, I'm no great fan, but a lot of my less discerning friends give it a big thumbs up, and the two missing were Donny Darko, which I haven't seen, and Amelie, which is so fucking awful I didn't even consider it.

1. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
2. Amelie
3. Blade Runner
4. The Shawshank Redemption
5. Donnie Darko
6. Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope
7. Pulp Fiction
8. The Princess Bride
9. Gone With The Wind
10. Fight Club

To be fair the show wasn't an utter fuck-up, in fact I rather enjoyed it. Between them the panel seemed to have most angles covered, so if one panelist thought one way their opinion was countered by a contrary set of ideas from another panelist. The result was a reasonable all-round assessment of each movie, and not a bandwagoning suck-fest. Judith Lucy's drawl can be a bit much, but by and large I agreed with her summations, and she had a good thing happening with Stewart MacGill. Indeed Stewie worked rather well. Dick Roxburgh was fine, if a bit wussy. I want less kissy-face "I like Amelie" and more in your face "You want the green light, Margaret?" Siggy tends to the affected, but her opinions weren't to be immediately discredited. Even Madge was bearable. Dunno who that Chris bloke was, but he looks like he needs a good smack in the teeth. And as for the alleged comedians summarizing each film, well, no show's perfect. Apart from the psycho Fat-Cat gang who gave me a bit of a chuckle, they can all get well and truly fucked. Unfunny, hamfisted, typical ABC self-indulgence, but most of all pointless tripe. In a word, padding.

For an idea as to what I might have included, look no further than November last year to see where I'm at fillum-wise. Or read Nabakov's top-shelf reviews to find out where he's at. Come to think of it, WHERE exactly is Nabakov at?

YOUR ABC-WORD

LOW FIVE

Five of my least favoured words:

1. He's
2. been
3. tested
4. and
5. cleared.

Four more: Incontinent action fails bowels