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I was hoping Hattie Jacques would waltz in barking orders. But she's dead, isn't she.

hmmmm...I've gone over these 2 posts and analysed the contents in great detail. Not much to go on but I am fairly certain that your prognosis is *relatively* good. In short I believe you are in the 1st stages of developing a rather large fistula, which, if matters aren't attended to forthwith may result in a hole large enough to comfortably secure, remarkably, ironicly(?), a fist.

More info would help complete the diagnosis.

Photos would help.

They have no idea who they're dealing with, haven't they.

Pat: the fist was forming right from the off when he told me he was an Essendon supporter.

Anne: Psycho-patient, qu'est que c'est. (With apologies to Talking Heads)

And how much is this whizz-bang private health treatment costing you?

Not sure, Ed - about the usual. Whatever that is. Think of a number, double it, take away the length of a piece of string, and multiply it by Warrick Capper's IQ.

About a buck and a half, I suppose.

He had the results and chickened out of telling you.

Can I have your watch?

Ha. Ha. (Damn! It's just not possible to make a written laugh look genuine)

Anyhoo, not so quick. I might have to use the watch to pay the bill.

You're clearly ill. The lost results technique is usually used to pass on the news of impending death to some intern rostered at the time of your next appointment. Tried and tested technique.

In your will, can you leave me that book you have '10,001 Great Puns' by Ed Lines. Ta!

All you'll be getting is my autographed set of pashing cheerleader playing cards.

Sir Lancelot Spratt was unavailable? Did you try fishing around for a good subsitute?

Lucky it's private and you can have a laff with us yobs on the net. If it was public you'd be onto 3AW and ACA saying how the system is killing people.

I fear that Pat's diagnosis is correct - the answer to 6 across that day was indeed fistula.

I thought that you were a teacher. When you multiply by zero you get zero.

The specific battery of tests alone tells us all we need to know: the doctor suspects you of harbouring an alien life form of some kind, probably reptilian.

If worse comes to worse I bags administering the euthanasia.

What would you prefer Tony: plastic shopping bag (100% dolphin friendly and recyclable), smothering pillow, piano wire or long neck brickie's shovel?

Sponge bath with a happy ending........mmmmm

Nabs: "You want a second opinion? Ok. You're ugly, too." Boom. Tish.

FX: It WAS a public hospital. Just that I got a private room. They knew class when the saw it. The day I ring up a radio station is the day you can hit me with Pat's shovel.

HB: The 6 Across clue was "What is the river in Hawsaw?"

Dirk: I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

P-Dran: Kermit the Frog, in fact.

Pat: I'll take the shovel. It always looks so good in the movies. Psycho II, for instance.

Burtois: Mmmmm ... spongey.

pat - this is MELBOURNE.

If we are going to whack Tones we'll do it with class. Italian cafe, Lygon St, Italian suits, Italian shades, black BMW, Beretta. BOOM. Big Funeral, Italian suits, blonde bimbos in high heels and shoulder pads, Italian shades, catholic priest.Emminent QC. Acquital. Back to Lygon St, saltimbucca, a big Yarra Valley red, then off to Noosa.

Shame on you pat - Get on the train baby.

Can I at least stick him with a shiv?

Oi! I'm here, you know!

(In a tracky)

Sorry Tony, just trying to get into the genre of Francis' preferred Melburnian execut...sensitively administered euthanasia.

You probably don't need to know the finer details just to know that all preparations are in hand.

Oh, and I have a suit I can lend you for the occasion. Best not to go out in a tracky.

Good. I don't want to see it coming, so seep it quick and anonymous. And for fuck sake keep it out of the news.

Too late on the tracky. I've just been down the shops looking like a proper dag. Although. It IS Richmond - I was probably overdressed.

Actually, if you don't mind wearing fleuro orange overalls, I'm sure we could make some money by selling the footage to Al-Jazeera.

It'll be quick though.

Bloody, but quick.

And the upside is that someone else would have to clean up my mess.

That's the spirit that made this country great.

I have my finger on the pulse, you know.

Cripes, Tony, you poor chap.

Mind you, sounds like it shouldn't be too painful second time around.

An ultrasound? You're not up the duff, are you?

Tony- remember that Blog you did entitled "Hospitals are full of sick people" ? Well, you added to that number the day you hobbled in to your local Hozzie mate. Did they check on your resident mental faculties ? Because teaching a rabid pack of ill-mannered teenagers would probably drive me into being a Demon.

This is clearly hoop related. You might want someone to keep an eye on that for you. I suggest her.

Chasing of pathology results is what I do best. :)

Hope you eventually get your results, preferably before you start culturing.

At least you're racking up the "Frequent Visitor" points. Just 30 more bed stay days, and the next weekend is free.

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